Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s02e01 Episode Script

Madame Ex

Last season on Lois & Clark Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the new owner of the Daily Planet.
I promise, no interference.
Only a few minor modifications.
For the first time in 219 years, there will be no edition of the Daily Planet.
I have been in love with you for a long time.
If you had no powers at all if you were just an ordinary man, leading an ordinary life I would love you just the same.
- Will you marry me? - Yes, Lex.
I will marry you.
No! But I just hate it that Luthor got his way in this one thing.
He didn't.
We'll start the building next week but first we'll announce we're back in business.
Stop the wedding.
You're through.
We have all the evidence against you we need.
Lex Luthor will not live in a cage.
Top of the world.
I can't.
So can I assume the operation was a success? Well, as you know, cosmetic surgery is more an art than a science.
But I think you will be quite pleased, Mrs.
I haven't been Mrs.
Luthor for 10 years.
Don't ever call me that again.
I'm Arianna Carlin.
Of course.
I'm going to remove the bandages now.
Please remain still.
Your skin will feel hot as it becomes exposed to the air.
But that's normal.
Remarkable, isn't it? Our own Lois Lane.
Once the hair is dyed even her mother won't be able to tell them apart.
Heller, you're brilliant.
The world will truly miss you.
We're back, and we're talking to Harold about this growing controversy regarding Superman's presence in Metropolis.
What do you think, Harold? Lex Luthor, a great man, would be alive today if Superman had done his job.
- Hey, Joe! - Yeah.
- Sorry! - Look up there! It's Superman.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Well, isn't this just dandy.
Superman saves the day again.
- Is there a problem? - Yeah, you.
What are you, nuts? Superman's the greatest.
Oh, yeah? If he's so great, why didn't he save Lex Luthor? - I wanted to.
- Wanted to? Wanted to is not good enough.
Luthor did a lot for this city, and you let him die.
There's more to it than you know.
Believe me, I didn't want him to die.
Why should I believe you? You're nothing but a freak in a blue suit.
You know what I think? You save who you wanna save.
You call yourself Superman.
I think you think you're Supergod.
It would be nice, if you were going to use the cream to put it back when you're done.
Because if you don't, then it spoils and then we I'm sorry.
If you ask me, Superman just isn't the hero he used to be.
Luthor may have had his faults, but he should have saved him.
Are you nuts? Luthor was a lowlife, scum-sucking criminal.
How could anybody like that guy? Sorry, Lois.
Morning, Lois.
Hey, have you seen this poll in the Star today? - Why are you reading this? - Look at it.
It says 20 percent of Metropolis is anti-Superman.
- What is wrong with people? - You know what's really weird? When they asked people why they didn't like him half of them couldn't give a specific reason.
I swear, we are witnessing the dumbing down of America.
People with opinions who have no idea why they even have opinions.
What is that? When they remodeled they should've given out instructions on this stuff.
That's a fax coming in over your computer.
They all have fax modems now.
Would've been nice if someone put out a memo.
- Well, they did.
Check your e-mail.
- Nobody showed me how to retrieve it.
Well, there's a fax on your computer explaining it.
Looks like it's rush hour on the super information highway.
Yeah, and I'm stuck in traffic.
- Good morning.
- Hey, C.
, have you seen this? Hostility for Superman seems to be a growing trend.
What are you still doing here? Thought you were gonna cover murder of that surgeon from Lex Lab.
Sorry, chief, I was a little late getting in this morning.
I had a p A problem dropped on me.
Well, as long as you're here, you might as well listen to this too.
Okay, everybody.
Let's gather around and listen up here.
I have an announcement.
As you know, we've been through some difficult times recently and the new owner feels that some of you might be suffering from stress.
You know, anxiety, short fuses, et cetera.
So as of today the Daily Planet now has its very own staff psychiatrist.
- What? He can't be serious.
- That doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
You wanna sit and listen to psychobabble, fine with me, but I have stories to work Excuse me.
Am I interrupting something here? Many of you already might be familiar with this woman from her syndicated column that we've been running called: "Healing the Inner Self on the Couch.
" Yanked the jumble puzzle for that.
I was getting good.
I was getting pretty good at it myself.
I mean, I'm not so hot on this touchy-feely stuff so that's why I never read the column.
But it's helping to sell newspapers and the good doctor has convinced our publisher that she could be of some help here.
How do we even know she's a real doctor? Half of these media shrinks are frauds.
Oh, I'm a real doctor, Miss Lane.
Of course, I was talking about the other half.
Carlin, I was just explaining about you to the staff.
I'm looking forward to meeting all of you over the next several days.
Please feel free to stop by my office anytime.
Okay, folks, let's get to it.
We've got some blank pages to fill in.
They're all yours.
Miss Lane.
I'm especially looking forward to meeting with you.
Carlin, a lot of people have tried to get me on a couch and after all this time, I don't think I'm gonna start with a psychiatrist.
In my experience, it's the people who say they're fine that need help the most.
Excuse me.
Have work to do.
Did the police say if Dr.
Heller was murdered here, or just dumped here? This is just a wild guess, but is something bothering you? That Carlin woman.
I can't believe her gall.
"In my experience, it's the people who say they're fine who need help the most.
" Lois, she is a professional.
Maybe she knows a bit more about this than we do.
Nobody knows me better than me.
And believe me, I'm fine.
Is that why you have all those candy bars in your desk.
Those are for emergency.
In case I have some drastic drop in blood-sugar level.
And what were you doing in my drawers, anyway? - Lois? - Look at this.
Who are these idiots? Well, they were clever enough to create an acrostic.
- A what? - An acrostic.
It's a word or message subliminally hidden in a series of lines.
In this case, the first letter of each one of these words spells the word "stop.
" Well, they're still idiots.
It's ironic, isn't it? A doctor who makes people look beautiful ends up in a dumpster.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, wait! We only wanna talk to you.
- Let me out of this thing.
- You okay? Mister, I don't know nothing.
- About what? Relax.
- How did you catch him? Hey, hey.
He got tired.
Look, we're reporters.
We just wanna know if you can tell us anything about the body that was found in that alley.
Lois, I think some money would be a really good idea right about now.
Where's your wallet? Your hands are free.
Okay, what did you see? I saw two guys dumping a body.
I heard one of them call the other one "Harry.
" Except when they left, I saw that it wasn't guys.
It was chicks.
- Did you get a good look at either one? - Yeah, one.
It was her.
Superman must go! Superman must go! Superman must go! Superman must go! Superman must go! Excuse me, can you tell me, what is the purpose of this demonstration? We don't think the city should be honoring Superman.
- Especially after he let Lex Luthor die.
- But what do you have to gain? I've always been concerned about Superman.
Why is he so secretive? What's he got to hide? I was there when Lex Luthor died.
I prayed Superman would save him.
But for some reason, he decided not to.
I think the citizens of Metropolis have a right to ask: Isn't Lex Luthor's blood on Superman's hands? Down with Superman! - How did I do? - How did you do? See what you just did? You used your left hand to protect yourself.
And in front of the cameras you used your left hand to push your hair back.
How many times do I have to tell you? Lois Lane is right-handed.
For what I'm paying you, "sorry" is not acceptable.
- It won't happen again.
- Well, it better not, for your own sake.
People are so easily manipulated.
And this is just the beginning.
By the time I'm finished, Metropolis will be torn apart.
Lois Lane and Superman will wish they had never betrayed Lex Luthor.
- Did you get my order in? - Definitely.
- I'm still getting the bulk discount, right? - Sure.
By the way, I'm with you 100 percent.
Go get them.
Well Clark, do I look okay to you? Always.
Why? People are looking at me funny.
Have a little paranoia with your coffee this morning? No, don't start.
Where were you last night? I called you.
At the police station.
I stayed there while the detectives interviewed that guy.
And what? Am I on my way to the big house? No, but this young rookie cop did ask for your phone number.
I'm only interested in one man in blue.
What? What's going on? I grow a second head or something? I just want you to know, what you did took a lot of guts.
Lois, what in the sam hill was that stunt you pulled last night? Our publisher has been all over me like a bad rash.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about your virtuoso performance on the late news.
You were on the news? If you have an opinion to express, you might consider using our editorial page.
I wasn't on the news.
You weren't at that anti-Superman demonstration last night? What? Of course not.
I was home eating chocolate Cottage cheese.
Chocolate-flavored cottage cheese.
It's a new flav I was doing my laundry.
Lois, you come with me, dear.
I think the citizens of Metropolis have a right to ask: Isn't Lex Luthor's blood on Superman's hands? Now, I could be wrong.
I mean, I've only worked with you for about five years.
But I'm seeing some remarkable similarities here.
That's not me.
It's some kind of sick joke.
- Clark.
- It's no joke, Lois.
It's a cry for help.
What you're demonstrating are signs of post-traumatic stress.
Short-term memory loss.
Erratic behavior.
But I can help.
- Lf you let me.
- No, thank you.
I'm not one to meddle in the lives of my reporters but I would strongly suggest that you take the good doctor up on her offer.
- Perry.
- Lois, maybe he's right.
Well, I can't.
We have to attend Lex's will reading.
It's part of our series on the breakup of LexCorp.
Yeah, but that's not till this afternoon.
That gives you plenty of time to have a nice little chat with Dr.
Lois, go ahead.
I'll meet you back here in a couple hours.
Come on, son.
Hi, Dad.
Give me a little warning next time, would you, son? When do we start blaming my parents for everything? Maybe later.
Right now, it might help if we talked about what's been happening in your life for the past few months.
You must admit you have been under Heavy emotional stress.
And after what she did on television last night, l - Here, Dad.
- Yeah, thanks.
I'm not a doctor, but can a person be under so much stress that I'd forget I was on television? I don't think so.
Lois, you can't ignore what took place on your wedding day.
The events surrounding Lex Luthor Really affected her.
But she's too stubborn to admit it.
You just keep on being patient and understanding.
She'll come through it.
Yeah, but when? Behavior like yours could, if left untreated, turn violent.
Tell me, have you had the desire to strike out at anybody recently? The only desire I have had lately is for Double Fudge Crunch Bars.
I'm not hungry.
I've been so worried about Lois, I haven't had much of an appetite.
Well, at least she's working with this Dr.
Carlin now.
That's a start.
See, I guess it all started with Lex's proposal.
It was the last thing I expected.
And then the Planet was destroyed.
I wasn't sleeping much.
And then Clark decided to tell me he loved me.
I was desperate to stop her from marrying Lex.
But it didn't work.
And then, when he suddenly changed his mind and told me he didn't love me Well, that, combined with everything else What's your relationship with Clark now? Well, for a second I thought there might be something between us, but I guess we're best friends.
I would never do anything to jeopardize that.
But you lied to her about your true feelings.
I crossed my fingers when I did it.
Why did you lie to her at all? Because I know the only person she's in love with - Is Superman.
- So you never loved Lex? I was attracted to his power.
And to what I thought was a great humanitarian, but No.
I never loved Lex.
Have you ever loved someone and knew you'd love them your entire life whether or not they ever loved you in return? Once.
I loved him as much as any woman could love a man.
And even though he divorced me, I still love him to this day.
So you understand my feelings for Superman? Oh, yes.
Very much so.
What's the story? Off the record, she's got a lot of problems.
I'm afraid we're gonna see things get worse before they get better.
To the Metropolis Arts Council, Mr.
Luthor bequeaths the sum of $50,000.
To the Metropolis Children's Summer Camp Mr.
Luthor has left the sum of $25,000 to be distributed as seen fit by the camp's board of directors.
Did I miss anything? - The Metropolis Summer Music Fair receive How was your session with Dr.
Carlin? How do you think? Sitting on a couch telling a complete stranger my most private thoughts.
- Maybe I got a few things off my chest.
- Yeah.
Anyway, it's over, and now I'm fine.
Quick healer.
- The proceeds will go to the A.
Corporation which administers a special annuity for his ex-wife, Mrs.
A scholarship in Mr.
Luthor's name will be established to reward those who uphold the high ideals he stood for.
- Are you okay? - I can't believe it.
He never said a word about - That lying, no good - Lois.
He was married, Clark.
He told me I was his first true love.
Lois, maybe we should just try to find her.
She may know about the disappearance of Luthor's body.
Yeah, I'd like to meet the woman that said "I do" before I did.
Almost did.
Let's go.
- I'd like to see him.
- Of course.
- How is he, Gretchen? - Better.
The brain waves have stabilized.
Tomorrow, I'll begin a mild stimulation to initiate regeneration.
He always said you were the best physician he ever had.
I can't tell you how comforting it is to have you caring for him.
Well, it's a labor of love.
He's very special to me.
Hello, Lex.
It's Ari.
We got into your penthouse.
I have the kryptonite.
It won't be long now.
Be well, darling.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Any luck on your search for A.
Corporation? None.
It's not listed anywhere.
Now Luthor's lawyer won't return my phone calls.
You? I spent three hours at Bureau of Vital Statistics yesterday.
There's no marriage certificate on Lex in this state or any other.
Jimmy, you find anything on Luthor's marriage? You bet.
It turns out he was married on a ship in the Caribbean.
I found this announcement that ran in the Planet 10 years ago.
- No picture.
No maiden name.
- Yeah, I know.
But I'm gonna try and track down that ship's captain.
- Lois Lane? - Yeah.
Detective Rider, Metropolis P.
You wanna tell me where you were last night around 1:00? I was home asleep.
Why? - Can anyone verify that? - Of course not.
I sleep alone.
By choice.
What's this about, detective? At 1 a.
Last night, a guard was assaulted outside Lex Luthor's penthouse by a woman he's identified as Ms.
- Well, that's ridiculous.
This picture was taken by a security camera outside the penthouse.
As far as we can make out, the only item taken was an engagement ring Mr.
Luthor had given Miss Lane worth a half a million dollars.
- Miss Lane, you're under arrest.
- What? For aggravated assault, breaking-and-entering and grand theft.
Down with Superman! Superman must go! This resentment of Superman is getting out of hand.
- What they need is a good swift kick - Thanks for bailing me out.
Another minute, I would've been judging a best tattoo contest.
So any idea who is setting me up? Wait a minute.
You don't actually think I did these things? - We're not sure what to believe right now.
- Well, let me help you.
There is someone out there who looks like me who is trying to ruin my life.
Now, Lois, I had a little talk with Dr.
I think the best thing for you right now is to go home, get a little rest.
- I can't believe - Lois.
I want you to take the rest of the week off.
And I want you to schedule an appointment with Dr.
Now, is that clear? I have to go sign for my purse.
- I'm worried about her, chief.
- Yeah, me too.
See she gets home okay.
I'll see you back at the Planet.
So, what are you gonna do with all this free time? Well, learn piano.
Maybe work on my tan.
Or I might try finding out who's setting me up.
Are you gonna help me, or am I gonna do this alone? It's not that I don't wanna help you, it's just that Just what? Clark, can't you see that some strange things have been happening? I am arrested for a crime I did not commit.
People are suddenly at each other's throats over Superman.
A plastic surgeon who used to work at Lex Labs is murdered.
I can't prove that all these things are connected but my reporter's instinct says something's up.
What does your instinct say? My instincts say never argue with a woman who has just been behind bars.
- What do you wanna do? - Okay.
If there is a woman out there who looks like me And we know there is because there's no other rational explanation.
- She must have had plastic surgery.
And what famous plastic surgeon has been in the news? - Dr.
- Yes.
And according to that homeless guy Heller was killed by somebody who looked exactly like me.
We both know it couldn't be me, could it? Don't answer that, rhetorical question.
So So maybe we should stop by the dead doctor's office and see who some of his more recent patients have been.
You still think I'm crazy? I think you're brilliant.
But there is a fine line between brilliance and lunacy If the mob endorsed a gun, that would be it.
It'll stop whatever your aiming at.
I'll take it.
Okay, sign the license.
Now, smile pretty for the government.
Do we even know where Dr.
Heller's office is? - No.
Maybe it's in the phone book.
- Okay.
- Why did you just do that? - What? - You stuck your finger in the coin return.
- What's the big deal? It's just a habit.
Everybody does it.
- Do you always do it? - I don't know.
- Why? - I just think it's interesting.
You're a well paid professional.
Why do you have to look for loose change? Not everything a person does has some hidden meaning.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
The page with Dr.
Heller's address is torn out of the phone book.
Maybe it's in the white pages.
You know, I don't think people realize how inconsiderate it is to, like, rip pages out of a public phone book.
Here it is.
Come on.
Taxi! I can't believe he ignored me like that.
Taxi! Taxi! Well, he must have super hearing.
Lois, how exactly are we gonna get into Dr.
Heller's office and look at his records.
I mean, that information is confidential.
It's not gonna be that hard, Clark.
I'll just ask to see my file.
- I'm sorry, the office is closed.
- I just need my file.
Don't know if you heard, but Dr.
Heller died.
We're moving everything into storage.
That's why I need my file.
This is my new doctor.
He needs to look it over for medical reasons.
She is suffering some side effects from the operation Dr.
Heller performed on her.
Some physical, some mental.
Well, I guess it would be okay.
The name? - Name? - Yeah, your name.
Don't you recognize me? I come here a lot.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
I'm just a temp.
She's a temp.
Obviously you are really busy.
So why don't I just go through some of these boxes myself? If you want it, I need to know the name on the file.
Well, I wouldn't presume to know the name on the file.
How would I know how Dr.
Heller's filing system works? Maybe it's in here.
Hey, you can't go in there.
Hey, what are you doing? Very subtle.
Why not just knock her out with a sledgehammer.
Someone is trying to frame me.
I don't have time to be clever.
Look at this? It's marked "year-to-date.
" Give me that.
Heller's last operation, performed the week before he was killed.
Full facial reconstruction, but there's no patient name.
Look at this.
My height.
My weight.
And look who paid for it.
The same company that handles Mrs.
Luthor's annuity.
Lex Luthor's ex-wife is out to get me? Why? It's not like I stole him away at the homecoming dance.
Who knows.
Let's just find her.
It's Jimmy.
Daily Planet.
Hey, C.
, good news.
I found the ship's captain who married the Luthors.
Yeah, he's at the Queen's Land Retirement Home.
Just put in a good word for me with Perry.
They sent Lois Lane home.
Are you ready? Good.
Give me 30 minutes to get out of here and then do it.
- Captain Keen? - Yes.
Hi, I'm Lois Lane.
This is Clark Kent from the Daily Planet.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Can we talk for a minute? Hey, I'm retired.
You can talk to me for a year.
Please, sit down.
Captain, it was our understanding that you performed the marriage of Lex Luthor.
Oh, yeah, I married them.
Some kid called and said you would be coming by.
Of course, Luthor wasn't anybody then, but I could tell he was comer.
And that bride of his, she was - Something like me? - No, much prettier.
And really built.
What do you suppose would make him jump off a building? You think he'd have come up with a better escape plan.
Captain, do you remember the name of the bride? Sure, Mrs.
Hey, that's a joke.
I'm retired, I ain't senile.
The kid said you might wanna see a wedding picture.
I got pictures of everybody I ever married.
Here you go.
Lex Luthor and Ari Carlin.
Married, October 8, 1984.
Arianna Carlin is Mrs.
That guy in the alley thought he heard "Harry.
" It was "Ari.
" - Chief, have you seen Dr.
Carlin? - Yeah, she's gone for the day.
Why? I found this book of hers on subliminal advertising and I wanted her to autograph it for my mom's birthday.
What ever happened to chocolates and flowers? My mom is overweight and has allergies.
Well, give her the book.
Lois, I thought I told you to take the rest of the week off.
I'm through taking orders from you, and I'm through with the Planet.
Consider this my two-week notice.
Somebody call the fire department.
Lois? Get down! Everybody get down and remain still.
- Get down! Get down! - Gonna neutralize the gas.
Hey! Hey! Wow, you look great.
- A little heavy on the eyeliner, I think.
- Sorry, but you're a little plain for me.
Plain? Sure beats whatever shopping channel convinced you that was a good look.
Hey, you gotta act like a prissy glorified typist you gotta dress the part.
Well, my hair has a lot more bounce than this cheap wig.
Lois, you don't seem to be yourself today.
It was Lois.
She's gone crazy.
She came in here, she threw a tear-gas canister.
No, it wasn't Lois, Mr.
She's been set up.
There's a double.
A double? - Did you see which way she went? - Yeah, she went back down the elevator.
Hey, Clark, Lois' suspicions were right.
There is a double.
- I know.
Where's Arianna? - She left before it happened.
Why? - Arianna Carlin was married to Lex Luthor.
- I don't believe it.
She had Dr.
Heller create the double, then she killed him.
Now she's trying to destroy Lois.
- Great shades of Elvis.
- Detective Rider, please.
I can't believe that woman pulled the wool over my eyes.
Don't feel so bad, chief.
She wrote the book on it.
That's it.
Ask them to put out an APB on Dr.
These are all of Arianna's latest columns.
- Exactly what is it you're looking for? - Subliminal messages.
I got it.
When you link together the first letter of each paragraph lt spells the message, "Superman is evil.
" Well, I'll be.
"Man of Steel wicked" "Superman must die" It's no wonder that 20 percent of Metropolis is suddenly anti-Superman.
Yeah, well, the doctor has a loyal following.
Hey, let's see what she has got planned for tomorrow.
"Lane murder of Superman good.
" That lunatic's planning on having Lois' double kill Superman? And tear the city apart over her trial.
Well, you know, she is one brick shy of a full load.
- Nobody can kill Superman.
- C.
I was giving the APB to the cops when Dr.
Carlin called for you.
She's on line two.
- Arianna.
- Clark, I need your help.
Lois has gone over the edge.
- Where are you? - Lex Luthor's penthouse.
She says she will kill herself unless she speaks to Superman.
He will be there as soon as I can contact him.
Clark will testify at your trial that I was only concerned with your well-being.
The helpful therapist to the end.
Of course, you will tearfully insist that you have been framed.
That it was actually me who killed Superman.
Classic guilt transference.
You're the one that needs help.
Nothing can kill Superman.
You remember kryptonite? You are the one who named it.
And this gun that you bought will kill him with it.
And then you will know the pain that I felt when you drove the love of my life to his death.
I didn't drive Lex to his death.
You're in a state of denial, Lois.
Too bad we don't have more time to explore that.
Hurry up.
He'll be here in a minute.
Who are you? Let's just say I was an accident victim who was in the right place at the right time.
Lois, you look a little stressed.
As your doctor, I'm going to prescribe a light sedative.
Lois? She'll be fine.
I really thought you were smarter than this.
I really am.
I can imagine what's running through your head right now.
The same emotions I felt when you let Lex die.
You'll wake up in a few minutes.
Although I'm sure you'll wish you hadn't.
Let's go! Lois, can you hear me? Lois? Superman? - Superman, I'll call an ambulance.
- No, too long.
It has to come out now.
I don't know if I can do this.
Please, get that away from me.
The middle of the Bermuda Triangle would be fine.
He's weak.
Run him down.
Come on.
- Just do as I say.
- Hey, lady, I ain't got nothing to steal.
Shut up and drive.
He's right behind us.
We'll never lose him.
- Maybe you'd like to get out now.
- No! Thanks, Superman.
I guess he doesn't read your column.
- Lois, 10 minutes till deadline.
- Almost done.
- Jimmy, what is that? - Oh, it's Arianna's book.
I'm gonna get a refund.
What do you think of this tag line? "So in the end, Arianna Carlin Luthor proved to be no less evil than her ex-husband.
And thanks to Superman Metropolis can now bring to a close the final chapter of the House of Luthor.
" I like it.
What's the matter? Well, I found out something about Superman that I didn't put in the story.
I don't know if I should.
- Is it newsworthy? - Very.
It's just It's kind of a personal thing.
Lois, you've got great reporter instincts.
Trust them.
Lois, look now that Dr.
Carlin and your double are enjoying deluxe accommodations with a fabulous view of the exercise yard I strongly suggest you take a little time off.
- Now, don't argue - I think I will.
You will? Clark, are you sure we're talking to the real Lois Lane? Lois, what are you gonna do with all your free time? I don't know.
Maybe I'll take a cruise through the Bermuda Triangle.
And, guys, try not to let this place fall apart while I'm gone.
Yep, that's our Lois.
The genuine article.
I've had some bad news, Lex.
Arianna failed.
But don't worry.
You'll always have me.