Looking for Alaska (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Tell Them I Said Something...

[peaceful music.]
[birds chirping.]
ALASKA: Miles.
Miles? Wake up, Pudge! Morning.
‐ [grunts.]
THE COLONEL: Gotta get a lock on the door.
Everyone but Alaska can have a key.
ALASKA: I have the key to your heart, Colonel.
That's all that matters.
MILES: That was so loud, it hurt my feelings.
‐ You always sleep in your clothes? THE COLONEL: Pudge has PTSD.
He's afraid he might get kidnapped in his tighty‐whities again.
‐ I thought he looked cute.
THE COLONEL: You're crazier than I thought.
‐ That was a terrible way to wake up.
How can I ensure that that never happens again? ‐ Nothing you can do.
[The Strokes' "Ask Me Anything".]
CASABLANCAS: Right, wrong, what to do Someday it will come ‐ Did I miss an assignment? ‐ Don't worry about it.
CASABLANCAS: Hostile Indians We named a summer camp for you ‐ Don't worry about it.
‐ Didn't say a word.
‐ Fine.
If you must know, Sara's debutante ball is coming up, and it's kind of a big deal at this fancy country club.
I'm writing term papers to pay for a new suit.
I left my Armani at home.
There.
Happy? ‐ I've never tried grits before.
‐ They should just serve bufriedos 24/7.
‐ Quickest way to ruin a good thing.
‐ I object.
If something is so good, how could you ever get enough? Probably a better question for Jake.
‐ Apparently Alaska's boyfriend is a real sexual dynamo.
‐ You know that would be complete bufried‐ification, right? The girls here would balloon up to, like, 300 pounds.
ALASKA: So what if they did? They suddenly wouldn't meet your sexist adolescent fantasy of what's an acceptable female form? Big is beautiful, Colonel.
‐ Small is appealing as well.
‐ Not when it says shit like that.
THE COLONEL: That's my girlfriend.
SARA: Chip.
Longwell and Kevin have something they'd like to say to you.
Don't you, guys? ‐ Look, Colonel, you ratted out Paul and Marya.
We retaliated.
‐ We're even now, so truce? ‐ Take it back.
I'm not the rat.
‐ You wanna say that to my face, 'cause you're talking to my sternum.
‐ Closer to your heart when I rip it out.
‐ Oh, my God.
You are both so stupid and so is this war.
Enough, okay? ‐ I'll make you a deal.
You pick one dead American president.
If Pudge here doesn't know his last words, truce.
If he does, you spend the rest of your life lamenting the day y'all pissed in my shoes.
‐ That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
‐ Your best friend is Kevin.
I doubt it.
THE COLONEL: Those are the terms, otherwise, nuts to your truce.
‐ If you even can name a president.
‐ [scoffs.]
I summer interned at the Cater Center sophomore year.
Jimmy and Rosalynn have actually been to my house for dinner.
They ever been to your trailer park, Colonel? ‐ The only Carter I acknowledge is Shawn.
In or out? ‐ Fine.
Whatever.
‐ Don't blow this, Pudge.
‐ He won't.
LONGWELL: All right.
Millard Fillmore.
‐ Shit.
Was that guy even president? [tense music.]
‐ Umwhen, um, former president Millard Fillmore was dying He was‐‐he was really hungry, but his doctor was trying to starve the fever.
Fillmore wouldn't shut up about food, so the doctor gave him a tiny tablespoon of soup.
And all sarcastic, Fillmore said, "The nourishment is palatable," and then he died.
No truce.
‐ Ah! Why would you try and drown this man? He's a goddamn genius.
[pounds on table.]
Yeah! ‐ [cheers.]
‐ Pudge, that was your first truly badass moment.
When this war is over, there may not be any survivors.
Goddamn, this is gonna be good.
‐ [laughs.]
CASABLANCAS: I've got nothing to hide I wish I wasn't so shy [indistinct chatter.]
‐ [in Romanian accent.]
Um, how did you do that, knowing the last words of dead people? ‐ Oh, um I guess I just used to have a lot of free time.
I mean, Fillmore was pretty easy.
I'm just glad he didn't pick Franklin Pierce.
No one knows his last words.
LARA: How come? ‐ I guess he died alone.
‐ Oh, that's sad.
[door thuds.]
MR.
HYDE: We are all interconnected.
It's the true nature of all beings.
At least, that's what the Buddhists believe.
You, me, his Holiness the Dalai Lama we all exist only in connection to those around us.
Buddhists see the world as an intricate web of relationships to others.
They create communities of practitioners called sanghas, who work collectively to attain peace, happiness, and wisdom.
[voice muffled.]
The only way to realize true awakening [tranquil music.]
Mr.
Halter.
The hope is that this class will be your sangha, bringing you enlightenment, though apparently not today.
And here I am straining my one remaining lung for your edification, and you've found something outside that captures your fancy even more.
What have you discovered out there? ‐ [stammering.]
I was, um looking at the‐‐the trees and‐‐and the‐‐the forest, and I was just thinking about how it's all connected.
You said‐‐sorry, I'm ‐ I'm going to ask you to leave the class, Mr.
Halter, so you can go out there and discover the relationship between the "um, trees" and the "uh, forest.
" ‐ Wait, uh you're kicking me out? ‐ Good‐bye.
‐ This has never happened before.
‐ Pudge, those better not be tears I see.
‐ Shit is looking moist.
‐ I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.
You can't just throw him out of class.
You drone on and on every day, and we can't even glance out the window? ‐ Now you both may leave.
Now, to continue, the only way to realize true awakening is by living in a way that emphasizes our connections and relationships to others.
[solemn music.]
‐ Oldest trick in the book, but everybody falls for it.
Aww.
Let me guess.
Before today, all your teachers were card‐carrying members of the Miles Halter fan club.
‐ Well, I never made cards, but yeah.
‐ I need a smoke.
MILES: And then, so his last words were: "I go to seek a Great Perhaps.
" ‐ He was a French poet? Any good? ‐ I never read him, just his biography‐‐ well, the end of it.
‐ "Great Perhaps.
" I like it.
It's just ambiguous enough, unquantifiable.
Kind of magical, hell of a metaphor.
It's also a pretentious way of saying you wanna get laid, but I don't need a dead French poet to tell me that.
You know what your problem is? ‐ Hmm? ‐ You claim you want this Great Perhaps, but you're still afraid to upset your teachers and parents.
‐ Some might say that's a good quality.
‐ Life's about disappointing those in charge of us.
I learned that a long time ago.
[footsteps creaking.]
Well, look who decided to show up.
Thanks so much for the support back there.
‐ You're never gonna win by crossing Hyde.
He'll eat you alive and piss you out slowly through a catheter.
‐ I have no quarrel with the old bastard.
He never accused me of being a rat, but those that have must pay.
We need a preemptive strike.
First, fast, hard.
Pudge, if you wanna walk away, now's the time.
‐ What? Why would I do that? ‐ You're still an innocent.
‐ Shit's about to get real.
‐ Hell of a lot realer than getting kicked out of some dumbass class.
‐ They don't think you're ready.
I was afraid of that.
THE COLONEL: We're trying to protect you.
TAKUMI: If you get caught, you're on your own.
‐ Look, we do this because we hate what the Weekday Warriors stand for.
We'll risk everything to beat 'em.
‐ What are you willing to risk? [tense music.]
‐ Seriously? What about my life? You remember how I was thrown in the lake, or did you forget about that? And did you know that the Weekday Warriors tried to recruit me in fucking Mandarin? That's right, I could be living the Weekday Warrior life right now, but I said no.
Because I'm a part of this sangha, whatever it's called.
I'm with you all until the end.
‐ Sounds good to me.
‐ Pretty damn convincing.
‐ You're in, Pudge.
‐ Was that a test? ‐ Everything's a test here.
‐ And you passed.
Your dead French poet would be proud.
Free for a study date after school? I'll drive.
[50 Cent's "P.
I.
M.
P.
".]
50 CENT: I don't know what you heard about me But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see That I'm a motherfucking P‐I‐M‐P I don't know what you heard about me But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see That I'm a motherfucking P‐I‐M‐P I don't know what ‐ What the hell is that smell? ‐ Uh, it's my dad's cologne.
He said to use it for special occasions.
Do you think it's too much? SARA: It's me, Chip.
I hope I'm not interrupting you two jerking each other off.
‐ Hey, Sara.
Nice to see you again.
‐ We need to talk.
Alone.
Ugh.
What the hell is that smell? ‐ Pudge has a special occasion.
‐ Ah, which I should be off to.
Gonna try to air out on the way.
Uh, bye.
‐ Are you writing term papers for money? ‐ How could you accuse me of such a thing? ‐ Chip, do you know how much trouble you could get into? ‐ It's fine.
I've been trading all of my superior intellect for cash, but only to assist the dumbest among us.
‐ You wanna be the next one to get expelled? ‐ [sighs.]
Your debutante ball is coming up, and I gotta look sharp when I'm walking across that stage as your escort.
‐ As what? ‐ The debutante's date is called an escort.
Did a little research.
‐ Oh, Chip no.
No, shit, uh listen.
You're not gonna be my escort.
‐ [scoffs.]
What do you mean? I'm your boyfriend.
SARA: Yeah, but that's now how it works, Chip.
In order to be an escort, your family needs to be a member of the country club.
Longwell's my escort.
It's all been arranged, and ‐ What? ‐ Y‐y‐you know he and I grew up together.
‐ Why did you even invite me? ‐ Because, Chip, it's important to me.
You're important to me.
And I'm sorry, but these things, they have rules and regulations.
‐ I get it.
I've been getting it my whole life.
‐ So that's it? That's it? You're just not gonna go? ‐ Is that what you want? SARA: No, asshole.
It's not what I want.
If it was, I just would have never invited you.
‐ Of course I'm coming.
It's a big deal for you.
I wouldn't miss it.
‐ Thank you for understanding.
‐ Plus, there are certain privileges I have that Longwell never will.
SARA: Seriously? We have one nice moment, and you're using it to try and get some action? Oof.
[door opens.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[rock music playing on radio.]
SINGER: Go, go, go ‐ Hey, Pudge.
Jump in.
There's no seat belt for you there, 'cause Lara's there.
Lara, Miles.
Miles, Lara.
You two remember each other, right? LARA: Hi.
ALASKA: Do you mind sitting on his lap? He can be your seat belt.
LARA: If he doesn't mind.
ALASKA: He doesn't.
‐ Uh, I don't.
LARA: Okay.
ALASKA: Oh, kids, meet Blue Citrus.
So named 'cause she's a lemon.
Jesus and Takumi are my copilots.
TAKUMI: It's an honor, ma'am.
‐ Ow! Oh, shit.
Sorry, keys just digging into my leg.
Here we go.
‐ Okay.
‐ [grunts.]
LARA: Are you from Florida? ‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh.
Oh.
‐ You're from‐‐ um, you're from Russia.
‐ Uh, Romania.
MILES: Right, of course.
[rock music continues on radio.]
SINGER: What game is it ‐ Ah! ALASKA: So, Pudge, you know that girl from the pre‐calc study session last night, Lara? Soft voice, says "thees," not "this"? ‐ Yeah, she sat on my lap in the car.
‐ Yes, my idea, which paid off, because she liked you.
You thought she was discussing pre‐calc, when she was clearly talking about having hot sex with you.
‐ Oh, might be an overstatement.
THE COLONEL: Y'all talking about that Lara girl? She's got great breasts.
Colonel, do not objectify women's bodies.
THE COLONEL: Sorry.
Perky breasts.
‐ Not any better.
THE COLONEL: Sure it is.
Great is a judgment.
Perky is merely an observation.
ALASKA: Well, here's another one.
You only view the world through your limited male gaze.
There's so much you're missing, Colonel.
‐ But he does look damn good in that suit.
[Alaska sighs.]
[sentimental music.]
‐ Not too late to return it.
The tags are still on, money back guaranteed.
‐ And why would I do that? ‐ So many reasons.
You could use that cash for a down payment on a computer so you don't have to use the shitty one the school loans out.
Or you can give it to me, so I can finally fix the air conditioning in my car, which you will also enjoy.
‐ You know what else I enjoy? Compliments about my style.
Pudge, I didn't get one from you.
‐ You look really nice.
‐ Made my choice, Alaska.
‐ The wrong choice.
This debutante shit, it's‐‐it's paternalistic.
It's misogynistic.
It's literally the epitome of white privilege‐‐ ‐ Says the attractive white woman.
‐ I'm white trash.
They hate me too.
Those rich white idiots, they're not gonna accept you no matter what you wear‐‐ ‐ Jesus.
Do you have to ruin everything? I'm going for Sara.
That's it.
End of discussion.
‐ He may be little, but he is fierce.
‐ Hey, Pudge, if you got anything black, wear it tonight.
‐ Why? ‐ Because it's slimming, and stealthy.
[Gorillaz' "Feel Good Inc.
".]
Tonight, we strike back.
SINGER: Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha‐ha! TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba THE COLONEL: Come on, Pudge.
Let's lift, man.
Let's go, come on.
2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good 2‐D: City's breaking down On a camel's back They'll just have to go, 'cause they don't know wack So all you fill the streets It's appealing to see LONGWELL: Damn those guys! ["Feel Good Inc.
" continues in headphones.]
2‐D: 'Cause you're damned and free You got a new horizon, it's ephemeral style [Longwell snaps fingers.]
A melancholy town where we never smile And all I wanna hear is the message beep My dreams, they come a‐kissing 'Cause I don't get sleep, no MAN: Looks like they got him.
WOMAN: Oh, my God! 2‐D: Windmill, windmill for the land Turn forever hand in hand Windmill, windmill for the land Is everybody in [indistinct chatter.]
TRUGOY THE DOVE: Laughing gas these hazmats Fast cats Lining 'em up like ass cracks Lay these ponies at the track It's my chocolate attack Shit, I'm stepping in hotter this year Care Bear repping, it harder this year Watch me as I gravitate Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha‐ha Yo, we gon' ghost town ALASKA: Let's go.
TRUGOY THE DOVE: You in the blink Gon' bite the dust, can't fight with us ‐ Hoo‐hoo! Hot damn.
I didn't think you guys could look any more handsome.
‐ Asshole.
My escort has blue hair now.
THE COLONEL: You're welcome, Holly.
I'm sure the photos are gonna look fantastic.
LONGWELL: Yeah, man, you really got us.
‐ No crying in your protein shakes.
‐ You win, Colonel.
We submit.
‐ Oh, hey, I can't find my keys.
You haven't seen 'em anywhere? THE EAGLE: Ah, Mr.
Martin, Mr.
Halter.
I'm not sure if you are aware, but there has been an outbreak of pranks on campus.
I hope you two are staying out of trouble.
‐ Oh, absolutely, sir.
I really hope you apprehend those hooligans.
‐ Okay.
See something, say something.
MILES: We will.
2‐D: Sha, sha‐ba‐sha, ka, sha‐ba TRUGOY THE DOVE: Feel good SINGER: Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha‐ha ALASKA: We have to show no mercy.
A prank that ends the war, that destroys their lives.
TAKUMI: Or at least their tuxedos.
‐ No.
ALASKA: Colonel, just as a point of pride‐‐ ‐ I said no.
Sara's deb ball is off limits.
It's too important to her.
MILES: You just worked so hard for that suit.
‐ It doesn't matter.
I have a few dollars left.
If I write two papers overnight ‐ I have a little l‐left in my commissary account I can easily get out.
TAKUMI: Look, I can front you the cash.
Just one phone call to my parents‐‐ ‐ I don't want anything from anybody.
‐ Good, because I sadly have no cash to contribute.
Though I can offer my impeccable fashion sense.
‐ Meaning? ALASKA: You can't afford Men's Wearhouse anymore, but you can afford the Pelham thrift shop.
Of which I am a loyal customer.
I can help you get something.
‐ You don't even want me to go.
ALASKA: But I love a good thrift shop excursion.
Colonel, it's gonna be okay.
It's all gonna work out.
TAKUMI: Longwell and Kevin are the worst.
I wish they'd just choke on their stupid protein shakes.
‐ Takumi, you are a goddamn genius.
‐ No argument here, but why? [moody pop music.]
SINGER: All day, all night I love to be in charge ‐ Oof, sure hope your plumbing starts working again.
‐ Yeah.
SINGER: You'll be my fall guy Your love Your love You're standing in the cold And your love Your love You will not speak of [clanging.]
[clatters.]
‐ Shit.
Ah, shit.
I'm sorry.
SINGER: Scarecrow The bed Until we had a nightmare [blender whirs.]
ALL: Cheers.
‐ To a good night.
LONGWELL: And protein.
‐ Oh, I'm starving.
[seat belt clicks.]
‐ Last chance to come to your senses.
‐ We've been through this.
‐ I know.
I'm just trying to stop you from getting hurt.
‐ It's about Sara.
You don't give her enough credit for going against her tribe to date me.
‐ First of all, she's lucky as hell you're willing to date her.
And honestly, Chip, she kinda hates you.
‐ [scoffs.]
She does.
But she also kinda loves me.
And I'm gonna show her I'm just as good as any Weekday Warrior.
Can't you understand that? ‐ I can't.
But I do love you all the same, and you do look damn fine in that suit, my friend.
[both laugh.]
[bright music.]
‐ Thank you for everything.
See you back at school.
[inhales.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[bird calling.]
ALASKA: Aww.
Don't you two look cozy in there.
All right, who's up for some fun? [gentle harp music plays.]
[indistinct chatter.]
PRESTON: Chip.
You made it.
‐ Sara will be so pleased you're here.
‐ Absolutely, and let me just say this place is truly majestic.
The bartender told me that the ice cubes in the iced tea are also made of iced tea.
Makes for a very concentrated brew.
‐ Well, we appreciate you being here.
‐ Well, if you need me, I'll be at table 12.
[chuckles.]
‐ See, Preston, it was a good idea.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
‐ [in southern accent.]
Hi, ladies.
Tell me I'm not late.
Father would never forgive me, and after all, you know, today is more about our daddies than us girls.
Toodles.
‐ Hey, Holly, have you seen my lip gloss? You okay? ‐ I don't think so.
[The Hives' "Walk Idiot Walk".]
ALMQVIST: Ow [Miles grunts.]
[Takumi grunts.]
‐ I'm like a motherfucking cat.
ALMQVIST: Well, is it true HOLLY: I'm really not feeling well, okay? KATHLEEN: But Holly, dear, you may miss being presented.
‐ I heard you, Mother, but I do not have a choice at the moment.
And I don't need an escort for this.
Go.
KATHLEEN: I told you not to eat anything today.
That dress isn't built for bloat.
HOLLY: I didn't, just one of Kevin's protein shakes.
Now get out.
It's an emergency.
ALMQVIST: See the idiot talk See the idiot chalk up his name ‐ That was close.
‐ Which means that stuff is fast‐acting.
‐ So are we.
[applause.]
JOYCE: Beautiful.
THE COLONEL: As many as these fancy dinners as I attend, I always forget.
Is the bread plate to my left or yours? ‐ Why are you sitting at the kids' table? You're not a kid.
‐ And you, sir, are very rude.
And for that, I will be eating my roll and yours.
‐ That was mine.
STAGEHAND: [whispering.]
They just called Justin.
You're up next.
LONGWELL: I am not feeling well.
KEVIN: You're not the only one.
[stomach growls.]
‐ Dude, come on.
‐ Actually, that was me.
[Longwell grunts.]
I ain't going out there.
My grandma's here.
[grunts.]
[Kevin grunts.]
LONGWELL: Oh, no, no, no.
It's happening.
Oh, no! ALMQVIST: See the robot walk See the robot talk Still you never learned nothing And nothing isn't over LONGWELL: What? Oh, shit! No! KEVIN: Plastic wrap! No! ‐ So, we lost our exit.
Holly's still in there, and it's not a pretty situation.
MILES: Shit.
We have to find another way out.
ALASKA: This way.
JOYCE: Lindsay Bryan, who is escorted by Hanna Sullivan.
[applause.]
ALASKA: There's no backtracking now.
All our exits have been compromised.
JOYCE: Peggy Donovan ALASKA: The only way out is through the belly of the beast.
‐ So we're stuck here.
JOYCE: Presenting Sara Bankhead Harbert.
[applause.]
‐ Whoo! JOYCE: To be escorted by Longwell Chase.
[applause dies.]
[chuckles.]
Doesn't she look lovely? We just need her escort, Longwell Chase.
‐ Where are the boys? JOYCE: This is unusual.
STAGEHAND: Mm‐mm.
JANET: Find them.
LONGWELL: Oh, my God, it's in my shoes! KEVIN: Colonel's fucking dead! ‐ We need an escort for the escort.
[chuckles.]
[Janet whispering.]
‐ Well, apparently, Longwell is no longer able to fulfill his duties today.
Perhaps we have a volunteer who would like to step in.
Hmm? [serene music.]
‐ Thank you, son, but I got it from here.
‐ Sir, with all due respect, doesn't it make the most sense for her boyfriend to be her escort? ‐ Chip, you wanted to be here, we bought you a seat.
You should take it.
‐ I wanted to be here because I'm her boyfriend, and that makes me more qualified than that human hemorrhoid Longwell Chase.
No offense, Dr.
Chase.
‐ You're trying my patience, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
There's no world in which you escort my daughter across that stage tonight.
Now, sit down.
It's a family matter.
[bright harp music plays.]
JOYCE: What a lovely father‐daughter moment.
[applause.]
And that concludes our escort presentation.
The debutantes will now join their escorts on the floor for a waltz.
[classical music.]
SECURITY GUARD: Teams are on it.
JOYCE: The country club has been infiltrated by pranksters.
You‐‐you get your guys! You get your guys.
‐ Shit.
We gotta go.
‐ I just walked the south entrance.
I didn't see anything.
[indistinct radio chatter.]
‐ [mouths.]
Help us.
‐ [moans.]
[alarm bell ringing.]
‐ Oh, my God.
[all screaming.]
[Takumi laughs.]
[tender music.]
[Sara grunts.]
‐ Should have known.
You ruined cotillion, asshole.
‐ One could argue that it's always been rotten.
‐ Hmm.
You sound like Alaska.
‐ I've been called worse.
‐ Yeah.
It was pretty funny, but you're still an asshole.
‐ Thanks, dick.
‐ [laughs.]
[engine revving.]
ALASKA: A toast to one of the great pranks in Culver Creek history.
‐ Hopefully, those Weekday Warriors learned a valuable lesson today: look before you squat.
‐ I don't think I'll be able to get their screams out of my ears.
TAKUMI: To success.
ALASKA: Indeed.
[door slams loudly.]
‐ I believe I was pretty goddamn clear that this event was off limits, and all of you defied me.
You broke the chain of command.
But never have I been so glad to have my orders ignored.
That was some funny shit.
And I'm not just referring to what they had to hose off the Weekday Warriors.
[laughs.]
That was definitely the nicest place I've ever almost burned down.
‐ You're too good for them anyway, Colonel.
Hell, you're too good for Birmingham, for all of Alabama.
Some folks describe me as a visionary‐‐ ‐ I'm pretty sure that's self‐proclaimed.
‐ Because I see the big picture.
And here's what I see.
We're all gonna get out of here and do great things, but the Colonel is destined for the greatest.
‐ No kidding.
Don't come asking for handouts when I make it.
I'm serious.
[three knocks on door.]
ALASKA: Shit, hide.
‐ Good evening.
Everybody enjoying their Saturday night? Uh, Mr.
Halter, I just wanted to check and make sure that you could make it back into your room since you seem to be missing these.
[ominous music.]
THE EAGLE: Keep up, Mr.
Halter.
To the right.
THE COLONEL: God damn it.
How could he have been so sloppy? TAKUMI: Turns out Pudge's choice of key chain was unfortunate on a number of levels.
‐ Not sure that's what matters here.
TAKUMI: Disagree.
You know what they say.
Never trust a man with a need to draw attention to his keys.
‐ I'm certain no one's ever said that before.
TAKUMI: It was a rough translation.
‐ I'm surprised to hear that you're doubting Pudge.
Was he not a pivotal part of one of the greatest counterinsurgencies ever carried out on foreign soil? TAKUMI: He was the least coordinated and expressed the most doubt But he was a key to its success.
Pun intended.
THE COLONEL: This is true.
And he did just face off against some explosive and deadly assholes.
All puns intended.
‐ Wordplay while our friend's future hangs in the balance? ‐ Look, I wish I shared your confidence in his ability to withstand the Eagle, but what do we really know about Miles Halter? Other than the fairly damning fact that he's from Florida.
‐ There is one thing I know about Pudge Halter that makes me think he'll keep his mouth shut.
TAKUMI: Oh, yeah.
Good point.
‐ Well, what's that? THE EAGLE: The Sunshine State.
I like that you have so much pride in your home, Mr.
Halter.
‐ I just got it for, like, 99¢ with the purchase of a Slim Jim.
‐ But surely you must miss Florida.
MILES: No, not really.
I mean, if my parents moved tomorrow, I'd happily never go back.
‐ Well, then, let's hope you don't have to return there any time soon.
[teakettle whistling.]
‐ Noted, sir.
Thank you.
THE EAGLE: Do you know where you are, Mr.
Halter? You are in my home where we can speak in confidence.
Oh.
Actually, it belongs to the school.
‐ I see, uh and are you renovating the place or you just move in? ‐ Uh, no.
Uh, if you must know, my wife is moving out.
Well, she already moved out.
Quite hastily, if you ask me.
She sure didn't.
‐ I‐I didn't mean to pry.
‐ Oh, no, we were only together for 13 years.
You know, it'll be fine.
I mean eventually so.
But the good news is, I have more time to focus on my job.
Now, as you may already know, there have been a spate of pranks at Culver Creek, all clearly related.
Now, the bad news for you is that you are the only student that I can connect to these pranks.
Which means the full weight of the punishment for all of them will fall squarely onto your shoulders, unless you and I can come to some sort of a deal.
‐ You mean, you want me to rat? ‐ No.
I see it did not take long for you to get indoctrinated.
That's not a surprise given that Mr.
Martin is your roommate.
"Snitches get stitches," as the kids say.
Uh, but here's one you may not have heard.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
" If you acted alone, then you can just confess to all of it, and this matter will be put before the jury.
‐ The‐‐the jury? THE EAGLE: It's a panel of your peers.
Students with a deep appreciation for Culver Creek's rules.
You can avoid the uncertainty of a trial and receive a far more lenient sentence by simply telling me everything that you know.
That choice is yours.
[dramatic music.]
[fire crackling.]
MILES: So, convicted murderer James French was sentenced to the electric chair.
To witnesses of his execution, he yelled these last words: "Hey, fellas, how's this for tomorrow's headline: 'French Fries.
'" Yeah, it's a terrible joke, but I always admired that he kept his wits about him in the face of such dire circumstances.
‐ Pudge, what the fuck are you talking about? ‐ I didn't tell him anything.
It wasn't easy.
He is a scary man.
THE COLONEL: The Eagle is a sadistic son of a bitch, all right.
I'm impressed.
‐ And I'm surprised.
ALASKA: I'm not.
I'm proud of you, Pudge.
THE COLONEL: Another badass moment.
You better slow down, Pudge.
You may actually become cool.
‐ So, the Eagle just let you go? ‐ I wish.
I have a hearing in front of the jury.
THE COLONEL: Goddamn.
That jury is composed of Culver Creek's tightest sphincters.
‐ Well, it was nice knowing you, Pudge.
‐ Everyone stay calm.
You can never give up hope in the eternal struggle of the good versus the naughty.
You may lose a battle, but mischief always wins the war.
[exciting pop music.]
‐ Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
This room is reserved for jurors and the accused.
I get‐‐and obviously me.
SINGER: Inspired by you ‐ Have a seat.
You may now address the jury.
‐ Dear esteemed fellow classmates and the Honorable Mr.
Starnes, I come today to throw myself before the mercy of the court.
As disappointed as you may be in me, it pales in comparison to the disappointment I feel with myself.
THE COLONEL: Wow, you ladies look slender.
Lost any weight? ‐ The only weight I'm gonna lose is you, 'cause you're dead weight, and you're dead.
TAKUMI: Hold up.
I need to think about that one for a second.
‐ I think we can all agree what happened at the club went too far.
‐ What happened at the club? ‐ No idea, not a member.
‐ You shouldn't be lecturing anyone about going too far.
‐ Fine.
Maybe we took it too far dumping Halter in the lake.
ALASKA: And the Colonel's suit.
‐ We didn't know it was his only one.
‐ That sounded dangerously close to an apology.
‐ Not close enough.
‐ Right now, one of yours is in front of the jury, and the Eagle's on the warpath.
We may never know who the rat was ‐ [coughs.]
Colonel.
‐ But we can all agree we need to turn down the heat.
Now, we'll stop looking for the rat if you stop retaliating, for real.
Truce? ‐ Who knows that there even was a rat? The Eagle could have just gotten lucky, and‐‐ ‐ Truce.
Peace be with you, Longwell.
‐ So, you're just making decisions without even consulting us now? ‐ Oh, I'm‐‐I'm sorry.
Was I unaware that you recently bought a winning lotto ticket? Unlike those assholes, we still need our scholarship money to stay here.
And I don't know about you boys, but planning and executing these elaborate albeit brilliant pranks is not really enhancing my GPA.
It's over.
We won.
‐ We haven't won yet.
THE EAGLE: Mr.
Halter, please rise.
The jury has heard your testimony and has deliberated the facts presented to them, and they have come to a decision.
Ms.
Rowinksi.
‐ Given this is a first offense and the fact that no other students have filed complaints against you, not to mention your clear remorse, we have decided on a sentencing of two weeks cafeteria cleanup duty, mostly for the offense of buying that hideous key chain.
‐ To the rest of the jury, do you agree with this sentence? ‐ Yes.
‐ Very well.
You can report to Maureen in the cafeteria.
She'll show you where the hairnets are.
I do hope you enjoy the smell of wet sponges.
And Mr.
Halter, please remember that the next time you are in front of the jury, you will not be a first‐time offender, so consider your actions carefully.
‐ I got off with a slap on the wrist.
I mean, I wasn't sure how it was gonna go.
But I really spoke from the heart, and I think the jury connected with it.
‐ Look at him, so proud of himself.
‐ I almost don't even wanna tell him.
‐ Then don't.
Just let him have this.
‐ [laughs.]
Have‐‐have‐‐have what? What's going on? ‐ I'm sure the jury let you off because of your stirring words and those puppy dog eyes, but probably doesn't hurt that I'll be writing free term papers for jurors two and five.
‐ Or that I agreed to teach juror one how to master "Halo 2" and provide all relevant cheat codes.
‐ Oh, and I promised juror number seven you'd go on a date with her, Lara.
You might remember her from our study group.
‐ Or her great breasts‐‐ perky breasts.
‐ You guys tampered with the jury on my behalf? TAKUMI: Tell me they read the part about your key chain.
It cost me extra, but I just couldn't resist.
ALASKA: I told you, Pudge.
You're one of us now.
THE COLONEL: Don't start crying, 'cause you'll ruin everything.
[tense music.]
‐ Well, this is disappointing.
MR.
HYDE: The trees with their branches, the branches with their leaves, the tall grass that grows in its shade, all on display out that very window.
‐ I'm sorry, sir.
I always pay attention in class.
It won't happen again.
‐ [chuckles.]
So you are to never stare at another window for the rest of your days? [chuckles.]
That's very sad news.
‐ Uh Apologies, but, uh I don't understand what you want me to say.
MR.
HYDE: Good.
Stop thinking about what's the right answer, what you think I want to hear.
I don't want any thinking from you whatsoever.
I just want you to be.
‐ Are you sure? MR.
HYDE: Life only exists now.
Time spent on the future or the past is done at your own risk.
Be present in this class.
And when it's over, be present out there.
‐ My rhyme's old‐school Sort of like the ancient Romans Colonel's beats are sav like Arthur Miller's MR.
HYDE: It's the only way to actually connect with others, to see them as they truly are.
[pensive music.]
‐ Why do you smoke so damn fast? ‐ Y'all smoke to enjoy it.
I smoke to die.
[singer vocalizing.]