Loot (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Hot Seat

- Hello, beautiful.
- Fuck!
Jesus Christ, you scared me.
How are you so quiet?
I'm extremely strong, but
I weigh almost nothing.
- Oh. Good for you.
- I know.
So, we have a very full
"Molly" day scheduled.
I have all of your favorite
activities through 8:00 p.m.
at which point I will drop
you back off at your bed
where you can get
your traditional 11 and
a half hours of beauty rest. You ready?
Thank you for being here for me today.
I am ready.
Am I doing it right?
- Yeah, babe. You're, um, crushing it.
- Really?
You should be the teacher, not me.
God, Ryan Gosling renovating a
house. Why can't this be every movie?
Yeah. Gosling's whatever,
but I'm here for Sam Shepard.
I love a man that looks like he
came straight out of a fucking bog.
All you, Marisol. Oh, yeah!
Goddamn it, Marisol!
I thought the knee surgery was
going to increase your mobility.
Where'd you get it done? In urgent care?
Hey, you ready?
You got three bitches in
here ready for a sunset walk.
I I'll be right there.
Just need to pee.
- You have been through a lot this year.
- Oh, I have.
Yeah, it's been hard on everyone.
You know, I don't care what anyone
says. Divorce is really difficult.
But I wouldn't change a
thing about what's happened.
No regrets.
It seems you've grown a lot
just in the conversation
we've had so far.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
And I wanna thank you
for your vulnerability.
I think that's really brave of you.
- Are you fucking joking?
- Yeah. Me too.
- We're just soul mates.
- Yeah.
Every day, he teaches me something new.
And I'm teaching him too. Windsurfing.
Oh, she has incredible balance.
I almost never fall.
So tell me,
what do you think about
the journey Molly's on now,
with her foundation?
It's got a sizable
endowment, thanks to you.
Yeah, Molly. Uh, well,
she has a really big heart.
It's gonna be a challenge.
I mean, she's never done anything
like this before, and I have to say,
it's a bit more complicated
than organizing a cocktail party,
which she's great at.
Uh, I'm just not sure that she knows
entirely what she's
getting herself into,
- but I wish her the best.
- Wish me the best? Fuck you, dude.
What are you doing?
Uh I'm just, uh
I'm using the bathroom.
I know what you're watching,
and you need to stop it.
Put down the phone.
No, no. I'm-I'm-I'm not
I'm not watching anything.
Molly, open the door.
Hi. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I am just being thorough. I'm
trying to get everything out.
- Okay.
- And then after I'm done in here,
I'm gonna find out where John
is, I'm gonna go to that location,
- and I am gonna murder him in his sleep.
- I knew it.
I knew it. Give me the phone.
- No. Never!
- Come
Okay, everyone, let's address
the elephant in the room.
I did see John's interview last
night, and at first, I was furious,
but then when I woke up this
morning, I was even more furious.
However, now, talking
about it to all of you,
I'm reaching some third level of
anger that I didn't even know existed.
You know what? You should be
angry. That shit was ridiculous.
Thank you.
Okay, we were trying to
bring the levels down.
Why? They gave John and his
mistress 45 full minutes.
The baby who got stuck on the
telephone pole only got seven.
Yeah, I-I normally don't
use language like this,
but his shirt was as ugly
as his business policies.
Damn, Arthur. You write that
joke just for this meeting?
When I thought of it, I felt
like I was a regular Ray Romano.
I don't know who that is.
Thank you, guys, for supporting me.
You'll be happy to know
that I'm hitting back at him.
- Good.
- Yeah, what do you mean?
Well, people have always
asked me to do interviews,
and I usually say no
until last night.
I had quite a bit of wine,
- and I said yes to, like, ten of them.
- Three bottles.
- Which ones?
- Um, there's a range of them.
I mean, he said I don't
know what I'm doing,
so I need to prove I have substance.
60 Minutes? Anderson Cooper? NPR?
Molly, this shit is really advanced.
They are going to ask you
really tough questions.
Good. I can handle it.
I'm not gonna take this sitting down.
- He doesn't get to say that about me.
- Okay. I hear you.
When's the first one?
- Tomorrow.
- Oh, my God.
We need to prep you.
You need to learn about every
single thing we deal with here.
Wonderful. Great. I do have a
microneedling appointment at 3:30,
and judging from the look on your face,
we're gonna need to cancel that.
- Okay, but can I still go?
- No one goes anywhere.
This is our mission today.
We are going to get his ass.
Baby, you didn't have to
come all the way down here
to bring me my lunch.
- I wanted to see you.
- Mm-hmm. Let me see.
- Ooh, it looks yummy.
- You look yummy.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Mm-hmm. Now I'm full from kisses.
- Mmm.
You crazy. Bye.
You have got to help me. Me
and Tanya are on the rocks.
What? Wh-when she got here, you
guys made out for, like, 25 minutes
in the middle of the
office, which was a choice.
Yeah, but there was
so much hidden tension.
She didn't call me "Boo-Boo" the whole
time she was here,
and that is a bad sign.
I'm worried it's got something to
do with our eight-year anniversary.
Oh, my God. Eight years.
Yeah, and each year, I've been
able to romantically outdo myself.
Like last year, I got her an anklet,
and we went to Chili's. The good
one. Not the one in the mall.
So this year needs to be perfect.
And Tanya is a very visual person.
And you're very stylish, so I need
you to tell me what I should wear.
Look. What do you think?
Um, okay.
There are cartoon characters
on all of these T-shirts.
What? Goku is not a cartoon character.
He is an anime martial artist.
Okay, fine. Whatever. Uh, listen.
Not that I care, because
I definitely don't,
but don't wear any of
those T-shirts, okay?
Buy something new, something adult.
It'll show her that you
think the dinner is special.
And by doing that, you'll show
her that you think she's special.
You're so good at this. I mean,
are all your relationships,
like, perfect?
Yes. And none of them
have lasted over 72 hours.
So we made these binders that explain
every organization that we partner with.
And I made you some color-coded
flash cards, if that helps.
Okay. That's not so bad.
I can get through this.
Uh, well, Rhonda's bringing in the rest.
It's okay, I got it. I got it.
Uh, is there a movie version
of this stuff I can watch?
Nope. You should get
going. Clock's ticking.
Okay. So, let me give you a
massage before you start. I
Um, Rhonda. We had a meeting about this.
I just don't see how we
get to know each other
without the power of touch.
Is it me? It's me. I
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Come in.
- Hey there.
- Hi.
Oh, looks like you're
making some good progress.
Oh, thanks. I'm I'm getting there.
Hey, I, uh, saw that you've
been holding those binders
pretty far away from
your face to read them.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Do you mind trying
something for a second?
Oh. Y-You know what, I
don't I don't need those.
Just Just give them
a try for a second.
Just for a sec.
Holy fucking shitballs.
- I
- I can see everything.
It's like I'm a superhero.
Look, there's the pen I couldn't find.
I know. It's like magic, you know.
Oh, my gosh. Do you have blond eyebrows?
I don't think I've ever
seen that on an adult man.
Well, it's not natural.
I do have to bleach them. Yep.
Well, it's really working for you.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Okay.
And keep the glasses, okay?
- I've got four more pairs in my desk.
- Oh.
I don't mean to brag, but
I have a Costco membership.
- Oh, my God. Costco? Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.
Can you get me in?
I don't know.
You have to have $75 and a photo ID.
- Oh, then I'm out.
- Yeah. I figured.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I love you.
- I love you.
- Oh, I love you.
I love you.
Oh, well, then that's such a
good thing, because I love you.
- I love you.
- Bye.
- She is pissed.
- What are you talking about?
You were just saying how
much you loved each other.
Okay, well, I guess
when you go to the movies
you only pay attention to the
exact words being said on-screen.
There's deeper meaning between
the lines. It is called subtext.
Okay, fine. Whatever.
Can I get back to
catfishing my ex's dad now?
No. Although that
does sound interesting.
It is.
- I think I'm falling in love with him.
- Okay, well, anyway, look.
I made a reservation at Cheesecake
Factory for our anniversary,
and then all of a sudden,
Tanya's telling me that's
not romantic enough.
I mean, what is she talking about?
All the waiters wear ties,
there's candles on every table,
and it's so loud in there
no one can hear you fart.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
side with Tanya on this one.
Okay. Where would you wanna go?
You should definitely take
her someplace new. Okay?
Having new experiences with
a partner brings you closer.
It's a big part of growing
and evolving together.
That's amazing.
You You are really good at this.
And thank you again.
I'm I'm gonna do that.
And good luck to you
and, uh, Mr. Fitzgerald.
Says I can call him Dan now.
Okay, I'm heading home, guys.
What's the average rent of a
two-bedroom apartment in LA county?
$2,545. Double the national average.
- Correct.
- Yes!
Aw, thanks, everybody.
I've learned a lot today.
The world is in a much, much
worse place than I thought it was,
and that's a real bummer, but I'm
still pumped for these interviews.
Guys, just don't make a big deal
out of it. It's just a CW show.
Are you kidding me? You play a vampire
who protects humans from other vampires.
That's amazing. It's so
psychologically complex.
Mmm, yeah. I mean, of course you got it.
You're Paul. You get
everything you want.
Thanks, boys.
Sorry, I I think I have to take this.
Hello, who is this?
Oh, thank God. This
is a walking emergency.
Howard? What the hell?
I-Is this a work thing?
Oh, no, it's not a work thing.
I'm just in a crisis right now.
I mean, Tanya and I are at that
restaurant that you suggested,
and our server is Danielle.
Why aren't you reacting
in horror right now?
Because I don't know who that is.
Ooh. Danielle is Tanya's cousin,
who I went on a date with when
Tanya and I were on a break.
But Tanya doesn't know that.
I mean, I'm stuck in some
Dangerous Liaisons shit.
Okay. Howard, listen
to me. I can't help you.
We are not at work, okay?
I am out right now with my hot
white gay friends who I kinda hate.
This is completely inappropriate.
My off time is sacred.
You need to lose my number.
All right, man.
Look, I get it. We're just work friends.
I'll go ahead and
delete your number, man.
Okay, How
- Molly, you have a guest here.
- I do?
Sofia, hey. What are you doing here?
Is she getting paid overtime
for being here after 5:00?
I I hope it's okay that I came by.
When I was driving home, I realized
that we probably didn't go over
the California Clean
Air Initiative enough.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, we can run it again.
Really, all of this climate
change stuff needs a brush up.
All right. Well, I was going
to have a massage and a bath.
- Mm-mmm.
- But I guess it can wait.
Uh, do you want something to eat?
Sure. W-what do you have?
I'm not joking. You can
literally ask for anything,
and they'll make it.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, how about a a chicken
potpie and a cherry Slurpee?
I'm supposed to shoot this
indie thing in Alabama.
The script is pretty good, but
it's 110 degrees there right now,
and they don't sell alcohol on Sundays.
What a nightmare.
Yes, I know. That's
why I'm saying it, Paul.
I am so sorry. I think I
have to go make a phone call.
Be right back.
- Should we eat his dessert?
- Definitely.
- Yeah? All right. Oh, my gosh. Yum.
- Mmm.
Yo, if this is the guy I sold my PS5 to,
the controllers were like
that when I bought it.
It's Nicholas.
See, I told you I'd delete
your number, and I did.
I'm a man of my word.
So, listen, Howard.
I think, um I think you should
tell Tanya the truth about Danielle.
Yeah, it's it's gonna be hard,
and she's probably not going to like it,
but you should just rip
the Band-Aid off now.
Okay? It's best to be honest.
You know, and she'll understand.
And if she doesn't, then that's on her.
That's really good advice.
My other friend, Paris,
he told me I should just try to
get with both of them tonight.
And I knew that was wrong.
So, thanks a lot,
Nicholas. I appreciate you.
Don't mention it.
So, do you have anything I
could help you with right now?
This is the best Slurpee I've ever had.
David Chang makes them with real
cherries from Washington State.
Black carbon, methane, reduces
warming by 2050 from 0.4 to
I don't remember.
I don't remember any of this.
It's okay. Let's go over it again.
Can we just Can we take a
break? I need to stretch my legs.
Would you like a tour?
Yes, I definitely do.
This place is crazy.
If I just say the word
"beignets," will some show up?
Hmm, what's in here?
This is John's old office.
- I don't come in here very often.
- Mm-hmm.
I was always jealous of kids who grew up
with a lot of books in their house.
That section is mostly
books he wrote himself.
Damn, this is dense.
It's all numbers.
Well, he is credited with creating three
different computer
programming languages.
Yeah, he's an asshole, but
he's definitely not dumb.
Maybe we should get back to studying.
Yeah, we gotta hit those books hard.
Ugh, we were supposed
to leave ten minutes ago.
Okay, she said she was on her way,
but she's not picking up her cell.
Maybe she got stuck in traffic.
She owns multiple helicopters.
I'm calling her again.
- Hey.
- Where are you?
I'm not going to do Anderson Cooper.
Or any of the other interviews.
I canceled them. I'm sorry.
- I was thinking last night.
- You canceled?
I I'm not going to do well at
some dry fancy-pants interview.
I That's John's thing.
I I can't compete with him on that.
Well, just come in to the office,
and we can talk about this.
Well, I can't.
I'm actually about to do
another show right now.
And I think it's a
little bit more my style,
and I really feel like it's
gonna get people on my side.
What's the other show?
Welcome to Hot Ones, the show with
hot questions and even hotter wings.
And today we're joined by billionaire
philanthropist Molly Wells,
who's here to talk about some
of her incredible charity work.
Molly, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having me.
I am so excited to talk about the
foundation, and to eat some "wangs."
Okay, great. Well, we'll start with
the Howler Monkey original hot sauce.
Okay. This is so exciting.
Mmm. Tasty.
This is good. Mmm.
So, the Wells Foundation.
Tell me about some of
the things that your
organization is focused on specifically.
Of course. One of the things that
we're very passionate about is
Ugh, oh.
Oh. Wow.
That one's got a little a
little heat to it, doesn't it?
My goodness. I'm just
gonna have a little.
Yeah, are you okay?
I'm good.
I'm good. Excuse me.
Uh, the-the cost of
living in Los Angeles is
I'm so sorry. It's so hot.
That's the first one?
Yeah, the Howler Monkey only has
a Scoville rating of about 600.
We actually have nine more wings to go.
Nine? Oh.
Let's move on. Hopefully you'll
like this one a little bit more.
I'm sure I will.
Okay. That one hit right away.
- That one has a little bit of a kick.
- Mm-hmm, you think so?
So, what inspired you to become
more involved with charity?
- Sean, I'ma need you to do me a favor.
- Anything.
- I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up.
- Got it.
All right, so this next
sauce, the Dragon's Breath
I'm out of beer.
Girl with the beer,
come here. Come here.
has a Scoville rating
of more than 155,000.
Thank you. I love you. Okay.
Keep talking. It's cool.
I'm just gonna pour
the milk right into it.
All right,
so we're getting into serious territory.
Oh, God!
So it seems like your ex-husband has
been supportive of your efforts
Hey, fuck that motherfucker.
- So, things are not great?
- Good one, Sean.
What did you go to? Fucking school?
If that asshole hadn't cheated on me,
I wouldn't be on your stupid-ass show
getting my fucking
face melted off eating
these little tiny spicy pieces of shit
while blowing my fucking shorts
out on fucking national television!
It's it's a YouTube
show. But I get you.
I don't give a fuck what the fuck it is!
Are you ready to move on to the
next sauce, Caribbean Scorch?
Shoes coming off.
Let me tell you something, Sean.
I have $87 billion.
I could buy you and this whole
studio and every motherfucker in it.
And I could shut it the fuck down.
I could kill everybody in
here and get away with it.
All right. I think maybe
we should wrap this up.
I don't need anything.
I don't need anybody.
I have 11 houses, motherfucker.
Hey, dude. You busy?
Mmm, yes. Very.
Well, I'm sorry, but this cannot wait.
You were totally right the other night.
I mean, Tanya and I,
we had a hard convo.
But she totally respected my honesty.
And then later that night in
her bedroom, we were intimate.
Oh, anyway, I got you a little
token of my appreciation.
Who is she?
Vegeta from Dragon Ball
Z. Prince of the Saiyans?
Come on. Don't tell me
you don't know Vegeta.
I don't know what any
of those words mean.
Okay, well, you're Vegeta and I'm Goku.
Friendly rivals turned great friends,
but still very wary of each other.
That's the strongest kind
of friendship, a weird one.
That's his catchphrase.
Molly, the very intense lady is back.
Thank you, Marisol.
I take that as a compliment, by the way.
Look, I know I screwed up,
so whatever it is that
you're here to say to me,
just go ahead and say it.
I didn't come over
here to give a speech.
I actually came over here to apologize.
- What?
- Look, don't get me wrong.
You embarrassed yourself.
You gotta stop saying you could
kill everyone and get away with it.
Let's make that a rule moving forward.
Okay. Okay, you're right.
But yesterday wasn't all your fault.
You were ready for those
interviews, but I didn't trust you.
I came over here, and I
pushed you way too hard.
I made it worse.
Look, I appreciate that. I really do.
I just think if anyone
screwed me up, it wasn't you.
- Hmm.
- It was John.
He said I don't know what I'm doing.
And maybe I don't
know what I'm doing.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you care about what
that guy thinks about anything?
Listen, I know he's a fucking asshole.
But you saw all those books he wrote.
His whole empire, this thing that
he built, it's so intimidating.
Uh-uh, whatever.
These guys always act like they do
everything by themselves,
but they don't.
You should know that better than anyone.
Yeah. I mean,
I did pay our rent
the first two years he
was getting the company off the ground.
And I designed the original
logo. The new one looks like
- A dick.
- Yeah.
All I'm saying is he's
no better than you.
And if we're doing this together,
you need to get him out of your head.
I'll try.
- Thanks for coming by.
- Yeah, of course.
Go ahead. I know you wanna do it.
Shrimp lo mein and a Shirley Temple.
It'll be here in seven minutes.
Hi, Molly.
Thanks for doing this.
I thought we could start by talking
about the housing shortage here in LA.
I'm ready.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode