Loot (2022) s02e07 Episode Script

Camp Wells

Good morning! Heigh-ho.
How's everybody doing? Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, Hannah, love the sweater.
- [HANNAH] Thanks.
- Tony! My man.
See the game last night? Whoo!
They left it all on the field, huh?
Hiya, Steve. Hey, is it raining out?
- [GASPS] Oh, shit! No! Oh. I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry. I didn't see anything.
- It's okay.
I'm not I'm not naked. I'm
[STAMMERS] I'm wearing boxers.
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Don't apologize.
It's It's no different than
me being in a bathing suit,
if you think about it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what? You're
right. It's not weird.
- So
- So
How are you?
Good. Really good. Yeah.
I went on an early morning hike.
Uh h
how was the humidity?
It was mostly dry. [INHALES SHARPLY]
You know what?
I think I was wrong. I think this
I think this is a little weird.
Maybe I'm the one that
should take a hike.
- [CHUCKLES] B back to my office.
- Yes.
- So
See you [STAMMERS] See ya!
So, something strange happened today.
I went to my pooping bathroom,
and someone else was in there.
I am so sorry.
I'm gonna buy the building
next door and shut it down
and make it your pooping building.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay.
It was Arthur.
He was changing his clothes.
He was unexpectedly fit.
Jacked even.
I was a little surprised.
Wait a minute.
Siri, lights down by 20%.
Molly Wells, are you into Arthur?
Yeah. I am.
- You slut! But in a good way.
- Tell me everything.
- Okay.
Well, I've been thinking
about him a lot lately.
I had a dream where we were
on a sleigh ride together
under a blanket looking up at Santa.
This is huge news.
I know. Am I being crazy?
No, of course not.
Well, there is probably
something I should tell you too.
When we were in Corsica, Arthur
said he had feelings for you too.
Are you serious? Why didn't you tell me?
I was sworn to secrecy.
And as a clinical narcissist,
I honestly just forgot.
- Wow.
- "Wow" is right.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know. It's complicated.
I mean, I'm his boss.
And I don't know if he feels
that way about me anymore.
- And I don't wanna ruin our friendship
- Oh, God. Honey.
[SHUSHES] Stop being so noble,
okay? You're better than that.
We just need to think of a
situation where things can happen
[INHALE SHARPLY] organically.
- [GASPS] I've got it.
- What?
- A work retreat. Yes.
- A work retreat?
HR said in that sexual
harassment training
that a lot of inappropriate
things happen on work retreats,
and they should be avoided.
It's perfect.
We go to some exotic,
romantic locale to work.
And then we're isolated,
the booze is flowing
and we let nature take its course.
Well, I don't know.
Is it too manipulative?
Yeah, but I mean, that's how
all great relationships start.
Do you remember that
hot fireman that I dated?
Do you honestly believe
that my apartment building
just "accidentally" caught on fire?
Grow up.
We are going to Dubai!
Wait, sorry. What's happening?
Cousin Molly, are you for real?
I am so for real.
We've been working so hard
lately and we deserve a reward.
I have a palace in Dubai.
- Twenty-eight rooms, seven pools
and a full staff to
cater to our every whim.
A palace?
[GASPS] I'm gonna be just
like Princess Jasmine.
[ARTHUR] Geez.
Going out of the country
twice in one year.
[CHUCKLES] Who am I? Tom Cruise?
Technically, I'm not
allowed out of the country.
Or in the country.
It'll be perfect.
Borderline magical, I promise.
And you're okay with us going?
Well, international travel
could give us a new perspective
on the problems we face here at home.
- [CHUCKLES] And I am sorry, Ainsley.
- Mmm.
If anyone's gonna be Princess
Jasmine, it's me. [CHUCKLES]
- I've got the hair for it.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Let's go to Dubai. [CHUCKLES]
Hi, Captain Underpants.
- I'm sorry?
- Captain Underpants?
the character from the children's
novel Captain Underpants.
Anyways, I hope going to Dubai
isn't too complicated with Alex.
Oh, no. She's with her mom this
week so it won't be a problem.
Great. Oh, that's great.
I just wanted to make sure
you were definitely going,
because I think you're
really gonna like it there.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm taking you to two restaurants
that are impossible to get into.
They both have Michelin stars.
Well, I love Michelin tires.
- So that sounds pretty good. [CHUCKLES]
And I booked a helicopter
ride over a man-made island
- that's shaped like a Ferrari.
- [ARTHUR] What?
- What are you doing here?
- Surprise. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi! [KISSES]
- Yeah.
And who is this?
Oh, um, sorry. Uh, Molly, this is Willa.
Willa, this is my boss, Molly.
Molly Wells, of course.
I love you, by the way.
And I just love everything
that you're doing.
Willa was actually walking
- in the fashion show that you did.
- Ah.
- That's where we met.
- Oh.
- Oh, so you're a model?
- Just 'cause I'm tall, you know.
It was either that or basketball
and and I have terrible reflexes.
I have incredible reflexes.
That's cool. Anyways,
sorry to interrupt.
I just came by to bring
this guy a treat. [CHUCKLES]
You did not.
Yeah, I made those muffins
I was telling you about
with the blueberries we picked.
The ones from our hike this morning?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- That is incredible.
She bakes!
She's a bit of a baker, yeah?
Um [STAMMERS] thank you.
Please take one.
Um, I made enough for
the whole office, so
- That is so sweet of you.
Mmm. Holy smokes!
[CHUCKLES] These are berry delicious.
Well, I should I should go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll walk you out.
- Okay.
It was It was lovely
to meet you, Molly.
Nice to meet you, Willa.
Have a great day, Willa!
I flew in and out of
here like a boomerang.
Hey! Bindi Irwin,
why don't we dial back the
Australian a little bit, huh?
[NORMAL] Fuck, that's good.
Okay. Here is your dinner.
- Is that Willa's Insta?
- Yes.
And it's the most down-to-earth,
charming thing I've ever seen.
- Motherfuck.
- Can I say something?
- Too tall. It's creepy.
- Mmm.
see my friends in the crowd.
Look, there's Angela."
- [NORMAL] It's pathetic.
- Look at this.
Baking, camping, and she
fosters bunnies, Nicholas.
Bunnies are all rapists.
Oh, and she's already posted
a photo of her and Arthur.
"Finally found a special friend
to go on my 5:00 a.m. hikes with."
- Molly, look at me. Look at yourself.
- Well, how do I
You are amazing and gorgeous.
And if you want to
make a move on Arthur,
then this Willa doesn't stand a chance.
They've been dating for, like,
two weeks. That's nothing.
You know what? You're right.
I'm probably still in the game.
- Bitch, you are the game.
- Bitch, I am the game.
And when I'm done with him,
he's gonna be begging me to stop.
- Sorry, too much?
- Yeah, just a little.
[HOWARD] Ooh, there she is.
- Princess Jasmine.
- Oh, well, thank you, Howard.
You look good too.
Uh, you can be Princess Jasmine's
friend who turns into a camel.
Hello, everyone!
I have an announcement.
Change of plans.
Instead of going to my palace in
Dubai, we are going somewhere better.
- A cabin in the San Bernardino mountains!
San Bernardino, California?
Where my cousin gets his weed?
Dubai is far too extravagant.
My palace has a lazy river that
floats you from room to room.
- I mean, who wants that?
- I do.
We'll bond much better in a rustic,
cozy cabin, next to a pristine lake.
- Pond.
- Pond.
And instead of an 18-hour flight
on a luxury jet, it's
a mere 30 minutes
- Three and a half hours.
- Three and a half hours away.
So let's go downstairs to
the awaiting passenger van
and get this party started.
But the palace.
And the Ferrari island.
- And Molly, I brought this hat.
- And it's a great hat.
And it will look wonderful
in a cabin in the woods.
Yeah, I actually like
the San Bernardino Range.
- It might be scrub jay mating season!
- Oh, it is.
They go hard. [CHUCKLES]
Let's roll.
Welcome, everyone, to Camp Wells!
Ah! The sun on your
face. The smell of air.
And the sound of tree raccoons
building a new tomorrow.
And there's also some
wood-burning fireplaces,
- if any of you know how to chop wood.
- Ooh, I'll do it.
I love working with my hands.
Back at the office, it's
all click this, click that,
- space bar, delete, copy, paste.
- Okay. We get it, Arthur. Self-edit.
- Just go chop the wood.
- Okay.
And I'm going to make
us a home-cooked meal.
Oh, look, I think that's
Mount "Califor-ni-a."
Yeah. Okay, let's go. Come on.
Oh! I'm gonna go take a dip in the pond.
You guys wanna come?
I've been dying to see
all your midsections.
Absolutely not.
- [STAMMERS] Are you gonna change?
- No, I'm good.
- [HOWARD] Oh.
- [RHONDA] Bye!
- I don't like this.
- [HOWARD] Mm-mmm.
I feel like I'm back at sleepaway
camp. This mess is not for me.
You went to sleepaway camp too?
Every summer, Camp Onondaga.
- That sounds horrible.
- Yes, it was.
A little blonde girl
named Bobbi with an "I"
tried to teach me how to
make a feathered headdress.
That's problematic in
ways I'm still processing.
Well, I went to something
called Camp Adventure.
Turns out the adventure
was seeing how far they could
pull my underwear up my ass.
Okay, well, let's be civilized and
stay on our phones the entire time.
- Okay. There's no signal.
- Oh.
[STAMMERS] Um, maybe we'll get reception
near that metal sled over there.
That's also a clock?
What type of fucked-up place is this?
Hi, Nicholas. I'm so sorry.
I missed the van this morning.
My grandmother was in surgery
and I'll spare you the details.
But let's just say we'll have an
angel watching over us this weekend.
Anyhoo, I ended up just buying
a flight to Dubai myself.
[CHUCKLES] $8,000. Wowsers.
And, oh, oh, I hate to bother you
but I don't have the
address for the palace.
So just give me a ring whenever.
Okay. Love to everyone. Bye!
Whew, Dubai.
Okay, are you seriously gonna
debase yourself right now and cook?
Arthur better have a huge penis.
Shh, it's fine.
I'm just making chicken potpie.
Ew, why? It's like baby
food inside of a hot pocket.
No, it's homey, it's down-to-earth.
- It's perfect.
- Uh, sweetie? Be careful.
- Hmm.
Don't worry, it's fine. I just
need to get back into my rhythm.
I need to find my flow.
- Hey.
All right, put me to work.
Uh, listen, I am actually gonna
go outside right now and take some
salacious wilderness photos of
myself for my Christmas card.
- [MOLLY] Mmm.
- Um, Arthur,
can you help Molly with dinner?
Yeah, of course.
- What are we making?
- Chicken potpie.
Oh, I love chicken potpie.
[WHISPERING] Ew. Stop it. No. Scat.
No, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Go.
- [HOWARD] Let me swipe.
Why won't you let me swipe?
Just give me one bar!
Cousin Molly, we need Wi-Fi! [GRUNTS]
If I can't check my email
in the next ten minutes,
I'm burning this cabin to the ground.
Why are you guys making so much noise?
You are totally fucking with the vibe.
What vibe? You brought us here.
We're supposed to be vibing in Dubai.
Okay, that is it. Get outside
and find something else to do.
Now. Move. Come on.
Move it, Salinas.
Bossy looks good on you.
You know, it's almost ready.
- Would you like to give it a try?
- Oh, yes.
- Careful, it's hot.
- Mmm.
That's pretty perfect if you ask me.
I don't know, I feel like
it could use a bit more salt.
Wow. Going off recipe. I respect that.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Looks like we have
a real "Emerald" Lagasse here, huh?
[CHUCKLING] I'm sorry,
did you say "Emerald"?
Wait, do you think his
name is "Emerald" Lagasse?
Yeah. Wait, what is it?
[CHUCKLING] It's Emeril.
- No, that's his nickname for Emerald.
[CHUCKLING] Wait, do you think
a 60-year-old Cajun
chef is named "Emerald"?
- You never questioned that?
All right, enough. Get
back to your stirring.
- Will do, "Arthurd."
Oh, what was that for?
I saw a bug. I probably
just saved your life.
Oh, my God. See, black people
do not belong in cabins.
We belong at brunch or
luxury vacations in Tulum.
- Mmm.
- We've got no business here.
[SIGHS] Oh, well, we
should start a fire.
That'll warm us up,
keep the animals away.
Well, you know at Camp Adventure,
my counselor spent three weeks
trying to teach me how to
start a fire with a bow drill.
- [STAMMERS] I could try.
- Mmm.
- Oh, maybe there's matches inside.
- Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
But I don't think we're
supposed to go in there.
I think something's going
on with Arthur and Molly.
What? What do you mean?
Actually, I don't care.
I'm too cold to be nosy.
Okay, well, let's just try this my way.
You get some wood, put it in a pyramid.
I'll go get some twine and a stick.
[STAMMERS] Howard, what is twine?
You know what we need right now?
- [MOLLY] Hmm?
- Some cooking music.
[GASPS] Absolutely, yes.
Some cooking tunes.
Ooh, I'm feeling this.
This is good. What is this?
It's really helping me
with my cooking rhythm.
Yeah, it's actually an Australian band.
Willa turned me on to them.
- Huh. Wow, that's cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
- That's very cool.
Willa. Wow. How's that going?
Yeah. I mean, pretty
good. I really like her.
Well, it's great that you're
getting yourself back out there.
Yes. Yeah.
No, I just I feel like I'm
just having so much fun, you know?
She She forced me to
take this crazy pottery class
and I'm so, so bad at it
[CHUCKLES] but I don't know,
I kind of loved it, you know?
It just feels like she's
opening up the world to me again
- after the divorce.
- Mmm.
I know it probably sounds stupid
but, yeah, I'm just really happy.
Sorry, my daughter put that on there.
I don't know how to delete it.
[SIGHS] Okay, I have a confession.
This is kind of nice. You
did a good job on the fire.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I guess I did
learn something at that camp
besides how to feel like a loser.
That bad?
Oh, it was ugly.
Let's just say it was
the year I started puberty
and two years before
I discovered deodorant.
Well, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Well, if it's any consolation,
I didn't have many
friends in camp either.
- Really?
- No.
I tried to start a walkout
because of all of the
native name appropriation
but everybody just wanted to go
swimming and give dry hand jobs.
Ah. The only friend I
had in camp was the nurse.
- Oh, my God. Me too.
Mine's name was Linda.
- What?
- Yes. She taught me how to crochet.
- Get out of here. [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- You know, if camp was more like this
us just sitting in front
of the fire talking about life,
maybe we would have liked it more.
- You know, I think you're right.
Hey, S Sofia, do you think if
we went to the same camp as kids
that you and I would have been friends?
[SIGHS] Hey, guys.
- Well, how did the shoot go?
- Incredible.
The drone got this amazing
shot of a beautiful lake
before it swooped down
and hovered right in front of that
little tuft of hair above my crotch.
- [SOFIA] Mmm.
- Impossible not to masturbate to.
- [SOFIA] Mmm.
- Mmm.
Okay, everybody. Dig in.
It's Mama Molly's chicken potpie.
With a side of Uncle Arthur.
Now we're brother and sister. Wow.
[NICHOLAS] You know what?
I normally only really like chicken
when it's blended up
into a protein smoothie
so I can really juice my
glutes. But this is pretty good.
[SIGHS] Oh. All these texts from
Willa are coming in at the same time
but my service just
keeps going in and out.
Yeah, mine too.
I've got like six voicemails
from somebody named "Ahnslay."
I think that's a drag
queen I hooked up with once.
- Block.
- [ARTHUR] Mmm.
You know, it's okay. You
can go ahead and read it.
No, no, no, no. No, it's
fine. I don't want to be rude.
It's pretty rude to
have your phone buzzing
the entire time at dinner,
so why don't you just read it?
What's so funny all of a sudden?
Did someone auto-tune the news?
Willa and I have this thing
where she tells me when
her dog is going to sleep
and I call to say good
night to him. [CHUCKLES]
- It's so stupid.
That actually does sound really stupid.
Well, you know, Coz, Sofia and I
ended up making a pretty good fire.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe after dinner,
we have s'mores for dessert?
We don't have ingredients
for s'mores, Howard.
- That is a bummer. [CHUCKLES]
- No, no, i-it's okay.
- We could just roast some marshmallows.
- Mm-hmm.
- Were you not listening?
We don't have any of that.
You had a whole candy
room in your old house,
but I'm crazy for
mentioning marshmallows.
- [WHISPERING] What are you doing?
[ARTHUR] Well, I'm not
gonna need any s'mores
because I'm gonna be too
full from this chicken potpie.
Even though it's a
little salty, Emerald.
It's fucking Emeril!
Okay, here's what's gonna happen
since everything sucks so much.
Since we don't have s'mores and
this potpie is a salty fucking mess!
I am going to the grocery store
to get this cabin full of children
everything that they all want!
Molly, it's okay. I'll go.
Sit your ass down.
Oh, shit.
I am going alone to save
this waste of a weekend!
[NICHOLAS] Molly. Molly, wait.
The van is very big and
the roads are very small
- and you are famously a bad driver.
- I am a great driver!
Uh Okay, but think about it this way,
driving is for ugly
people and you're not ugly.
You're pretty, you're a
very pretty girl, okay?
Don't let the ugly people
win. Molly, come on.
Oh. Okay. [STAMMERS]
- Brake.
[NICHOLAS] Reconsider. Reconsider.
Not the bear, not the bear.
- [ARTHUR] Not the bear!
- Whoops.
- Oh.
- No, no! Not that Stop! Oh.
Molly, please. You're
ignoring the cushion of safety.
I did it.
I motherfucking did it, motherfuckers!
[SOFIA] Oh, my God!
- [ARTHUR] Oh, no, no, no.
- [SOFIA] Oh, my God!
[NICHOLAS] Why the fuck is
she naked? I mean, is she okay?
Nature is terrible!
Nothing good happens here.
- Calm down, everybody.
- Oh, my God. Oh.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my
- Oh.
Well, that was quite the jolt.
- Rhonda, are you okay?
Oh. Yes, of course, dear.
It's not the first time I've
been hit by a passenger van.
- Okay, here we go.
- Oh. You just let this go.
You're gonna be fine.
Now, where's my purse? I need a gummy.
Oh. Thank you. Rhonda update.
She is totally fine except
for the stuff she already had.
Oh, thank God. [SIGHS]
She got all your flowers and she
will be back to work on Monday.
- [NICHOLAS] Are you okay?
I know this trip didn't really
turn out the way we wanted it to.
I'm okay.
I just almost killed another human
being and totally humiliated myself
in front of Arthur,
but it is what it is.
I'm so sorry, babe.
I'm just gonna stick
to the original plan.
- Gonna focus on myself and my work.
- Yeah.
Do you, um, want to look
at some of my drone nudes?
- Yeah, that would be nice.
- Yeah.
- The wilderness really makes my ass pop.
- Aw.
Wow, you are so good to me.
Hey, what are you doing here so early?
I couldn't sleep.
I've been thinking
about Space for Everyone.
I wanna open more.
Well, we'll have three
in Southern California
- by the end of the year.
- Yeah, but why stop there?
Let's do it across the whole country.
Okay, uh, I think that's a great idea,
but I'm going to tell you something
that you haven't heard in 20 years.
You don't have enough money.
Hey, Nicholas, assalamu alaikum.
Just checking in.
It's been, like, four
days, which is totally fine.
So sorry to be so annoying.
[CHUCKLES] Anyways,
just, uh, call me back.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
[IN ARABIC] I don't think
your friends are coming.
You're such a Negative
Nancy. They'll be here.
Come on, let's go get some Sbarro's.
Now, I do think we should
try the Supremo this time
because didn't you last time
get the four cheese or something?
Anyways, I think we should get
- It was five.
- Five cheeses? Wow.
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