Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

1
For this full moon brujaceremony,
I'm manifesting a career as a vet.
So I'm burning a little
piece of Churro's fur.
Too late.
I already got it when she was sleeping.
I'm also man-ifesting.
So I'm burning some of the hair
of the man I have my eye on.
- Oh.
- Did you really cut
- some of his hair off?
- Oh, girl, no.
I'm not crazy.
I got it in the garbage in the alley
behind his barber shop.
Well, careful, Mayan.
Burning animal fur is
used to curse someone.
How do you think George got
that weird patch of hair on his ass?
Maybe we should just say a
chant for prosperity instead.
Ooh, I have one. Okay.
May the spirits help us secure the bag,
and may our perky asses never sag.
Ah!
Ah, ladies, uh, safety precaution.
Our homeowners policy
doesn't cover brujería.
Come on, are you brujas still
messing with the spirits?
It's hard to rest in
peace with Rosie's voice
making the ghosts' ears bleed.
Ay, go shave your ass, viejito.
You believe this stuff, George?
- 'Course I do. I'm Latino.
- I believe in ghosts,
Raider Nation, and that
Vick's VapoRub can cure cancer.
- You don't?
- Quentin's a nonbeliever.
I am a spiritual person.
I meditate. I practice yoga.
I just don't think that there are
actual spirits among us.
I tolerate all of this because
it is what Mayan believes in.
You should watch your back, nerd,
because believe or don't believe,
this house is haunted.
Oh, the other night I saw
a shadow in Chance's room,
and I caught it on video on my phone.
Look.
Funny, that "shadow" is shaped
just like George's P
I'm gonna say thumb.
- That's not my thumb.
- But just to be clear,
my thumb is much bigger than that.
Ohh.
Boom!
I win. Suck on that candy, grandson.
This game doesn't
feel very kid-friendly.
Why do you keep on
winning and not the kid?
Well, I get a little
help from my Tía Azu.
She's my Candyland spirit guide.
She died of diabetes.
Nah, I'm not buying it.
You don't believe in spirits?
Your grandpa says that you
saw a ghost the other night
in your bedroom.
My daddy told me there's
no such thing as ghosts
just like there's no land made of candy.
If there was, I would
be on a bus right now.
No, your dad is wrong.
You want me to tell you
about the little girl
with no face that used to visit me
when I was your age?
I feel like I should say no
but I'm a kid, and I
don't know boundaries yet,
so go ahead.
Dad, I thought we agreed not to let
the dirty dishes pile up.
- Oh, that wasn't me, Mayan.
- That was the ghost.
Oh, and before you ask, he also brought
the trash back in after I took it out.
Okay, just because we may
have a spirit in the house,
doesn't mean you can
blame everything on it.
If it gets to haunt us,
why can't we blame stuff on it?
Hey, it's called trickle-down
ecto-nomics, Mayan.
Read a book.
- I'm here.
- Oh.
And like the moon and
the wind and the stars,
I am everywhere.
Rosie, don't be
bringing your weird dates
into the kitchen.
This is not my date. This is Carlos.
He's a curandero
that will help protect
us from attacks by spirits
- from the other side.
- Mm.
You have a spirit, I can clear it.
If you're bothered, give me a holler.
If you're possessed, I'm the best.
And I take all major credit cards,
cash, and now bitcoin.
Well, I don't have any of those,
but how about a joint?
You strike me as that kind of guy.
No, I never touch the stuff.
Wait, I sense an evil,
dark presence among us.
Yeah, she's standing right next to you.
That blazer is hiding her bat wings.
Ay, keep talking
and you'll be able to braid
that ass hair by tomorrow.
It is very strong in this kitchen.
Well, then I'm going in the
living room. Girl, bye.
- It's on the move.
- Oh.
- It's coming
- coming from his direction.
All right, come on, man. Take it easy.
Ay, I don't like you
like that, all right?
Yes. Yes, someone from beyond has,
in the words of our ancient ancestors,
got major beef with you, homes.
Wait, there's someone
angry enough with you
to spend their entire
afterlife haunting you?
Well, that could only be
- anyone you've ever met.
- Wait a minute, that's not true.
I got along with everyone.
Well, not everyone.
Your Tío Hugo never forgave you
for saying his beard
looked like chin mold.
Yes, and if old "Fungus
Face" would have got
that checked out earlier,
maybe he'd still be with us.
No, it It's none of those people.
I sense an older woman
whose first name begins
with the letter "D."
Oh, Dolores.
Oh, that's George's grandmother.
- She raised him in this house.
- Mm-hmm.
That no, come on. That could
that could be anybody fr-from
from Doris Day to Daisy
Duck. I mean, come on.
Definitely not my Grandma Dolores.
Ow! What is that?
What is aw!
A chancla!
Just like the ones Dolores
used to hit you with.
Thrown from the other side.
Yes, it's definitely her.
Do you two have
any unresolved issues?
Well, me and that
bruja always had issues,
but they were resolved
nicely when she died.
Well, that's not what she's saying.
As a matter of fact,
she's not saying anything.
She's just holding up a middle finger.
Well, I guess if there
could be anything,
it could be the fact that
I canceled her funeral
and then kept the money
and then buried her ashes
- in the backyard.
- Oh, my God.
Well, that'll do it.
You put Grandma in the pet cemetery?
Oh, God, she's been spending eternity
- next to my six dead hamsters.
- I see 12.
We might have replaced a few of them.
- I don't know.
- I can't believe that you didn't give
your grandma a proper burial.
She raised you after
your mother ran off.
Yeah, I know she wasn't perfect,
but at least she didn't let
you grow up on the streets.
I wish she had.
Homeless people don't
have shoes to hit you with.
You gotta make this right.
Yeah. This is
disrespectful even for you.
And that's disrespectful to me,
because both of you know
I've been way more
disrespectful than this.
All right, fine. I'll take care of it.
- Good. Honor Dolores' wishes or else
- Or else what?
Have you ever seen
"Paranormal Activity"?
Spoiler alert, the
family doesn't make it.
- Ay.
- Ay.
Are you guys asleep?
Huh?
- You're up.
- I can't sleep.
I'm scared of a ghost
with no face haunting me.
I already told you, gordo,
there's no such thing as ghosts.
So you got nothing to be scared of.
But Nana said you're wrong.
She also said you should marry Mom,
but that seemed like a side trip.
Yeah. Of course she did.
All right, you can sleep
in bed with us tonight.
Just please make sure to hit
Did you just see the ghost?
No. Just some stars.
- Hey.
- Well, you look nice.
Oh, I just finished
my grandmother's, uh, funeral service
- like you asked.
- Really?
But why didn't you include me
- or the rest of the family?
- Well, Mayan, you know,
my grandma was a very private person.
But it was beautiful. I mean, I
buried her ashes in the ocean,
and I sang her favorite
Vicente Fernández song.
- I felt her spirit move on.
- Hey, George,
you left your beer helmet
and the Blunts and Booze festival.
No, I think you mean
I left my beer helmet
at my grandmother's
funeral at the ocean.
No.
You definitely left it at the festival.
Get out.
I can't believe you lied
about burying Grandma Dolores.
She deserves so much better than this.
No, she doesn't, Mayan.
She was an abusive woman
who made my life hell.
And she was not a good person.
But she was still a person.
I mean, no wonder her spirit can't rest.
Churro pees on her grave.
Well, Churro's not the only one.
I thought you were in a better place,
trying to change your
life and to show me
that you could do what's right.
Yes, for you but not her, okay?
She's dead and so is any obligation
to do right by her.
Her ghost doesn't think so.
And I'm not living in a haunted house.
So until you find grandma
a proper resting place,
you and your cursed hairy ass
are sleeping in your truck.
Chance woke me up at 1:00 a.m.
asking if he could sleep in bed with us.
He told me you made
up more ghost stories,
and now he's scared again.
I didn't make up any stories.
Ghosts and spirits live among us.
Tell him.
Ghosts don't exist.
If they don't exist,
then explain the
chancla that hit George.
It It was it was Mayan's chancla.
And I put it up on that shelf
to keep it away from Churro.
Then why did the shelf fall?
Well, that's easy. George hung it.
Spirituality is part of my culture.
It's been passed down for generations.
Just like your culture passed down
baseball, apple pie, and racism.
Quentin, it's how we heal each other
and-and honor our ancestors.
I am fine with you and Mayan
believing whatever you want.
I come alive on Día de Los Muertos.
I just don't want it forced on my son.
So you're okay with
me taking care of him,
cooking for him, but
spirituality is off-limits?
Yes.
Exactly. That's wow.
Thank you for understanding.
Does this look like a
face of understanding?
I don't know. All I see is beauty.
Look, I just I
just I want to limit
his exposure to things that are scary
and have no basis in reality.
All right? We'll talk later.
I am late for a battle
with a level 26 Demogorgon.
I shouldn't be in here.
This is all your fault.
What do you want from me,
old woman? Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me speak to you
in your native tongue.
Ow!
You are always wrong, baboso.
Actually, it's more like this
Oh, man. Come on.
Wait a minute, are
you my Grandma Dolores?
No, I'm Beetlejuice.
- What are you thinking?
- I'm thinking that those mushrooms
Oscar put in my burger
were not portabello.
What are you doing back here?
The dead hamsters kicked
you out, didn't they?
Please, I ate the hamsters.
Listen, another anniversary
of my death has come,
and you still haven't
laid me to rest properly.
So I'm gonna have to make you.
- You can't make me do anything anymore.
- Oh, you think?
Oh! Come on, stop.
Ah, just the same little bitch you were
when you were six.
And you're still that
same little 90-pound demon
you always were.
Hey, Mayan forgave you for
being a horrible father.
Why can't you forgive me?
That makes you a hippo-critter.
- You mean a hypocrite?
- I said what I said.
Well, I was a lot nicer to Mayan
than you were to me. Okay?
You used to lock me in that damn closet.
You think you had it bad?
I was the eldest of nine, which made me
the cook, the maid, the nanny.
And if I didn't keep my mouth shut,
it made me Mommy's punching bag.
It got so bad that I
didn't speak for months
just trying to avoid a beating.
So do me a favor, don't
harass me with your
with your little tales of horror.
Mine would make you beg for the closet.
I didn't know.
Well, now you do.
I was carrying around a lot of anger.
And I guess I took it out on you.
I think Mayan would call
this generational trauma.
I call it Gen Z caca.
Hey, it wasn't all bad.
Hey, you remember when
we would go to the casino?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And, uh, I taught you
how to steal change
- from the viejitas.
- Right.
You taught me to target the old ladies
with the hearing aids
and the thick glasses.
So forgive me and
spread my ashes, already.
Because if you don't,
I'm gonna have to think
of new ways to haunt you.
Like, uh, every time you drink a Modelo,
it'll taste like, um, White Claw.
No!
Daddy, you're meditating without me.
You know my third
chakra has been blocked.
Ooh, tell me more about these chakras.
Daddy says there's
seven different colors,
and they're all over your body.
There's even one on my butt.
- He's still learning.
- They're your energy points.
And in the Vedic tradition,
it is very important
to keep them unblocked.
Oh, interesting.
So a practice from brown people
in another continent is okay
but not from the brown
people in your own home?
- You know what, Rosie?
- What?
You just made an excellent point.
Oh. I was about to take my earrings off.
I-I am sorry that I disrespected
your beliefs just because
they were different than mine.
And I'm sorry that I scared Chance.
The ghost actually had a face.
Tell him you had a face.
Dad, what did you do to the backyard?
I was trying to find my grandma's ashes.
Can't remember where I put her.
What changed your mind?
I took a real hard
look at myself, Mayan,
real deep dive into the
deepest parts of my soul.
- So you saw her ghost?
- Oh, yeah.
Maybe she deserves a funeral.
She wants me to forgive her, but
I just don't know if I can do that.
Well, have you ever tried?
I mean, it was really
hard to forgive you.
And I'm really glad that you did, Mayan.
- I needed it.
- I didn't do it for you.
I did it for me, to let go of the past.
What's up, girl?
Churro found my grandmother's ashes.
Wait, is this the liquor
bag you told me was a puppet?
Count Tipsy von Whiskey.
I want to drink your booze.
Okay. What do you see in my tea leaves?
In your future I see
something large, sparkly,
and princess cut.
Dad, we got a major problem.
Perfect timing, son. What's wrong?
The ghost put a bunch of holes
in our backyard, and I'm scared.
Luckily I found these brass knuckles
in one of them to protect myself.
Okay, let's
Just gonna gonna take those.
There's, uh there's
nothing to be scared of.
- Right, Rosie?
- That's right.
A ghost didn't do that to your backyard.
A drunk troll did.
Come, gordo, sit over here.
No ghost is going to hurt you.
Any spirits in this house
are just family watching over us.
Does that mean after we die
our family will all be together again?
Yep. That's exactly what that means.
So now I have forever to figure out
how to beat you in Candyland.
Yup. But that's never
gonna happen, chump.
Nana, who hurt you?
Why did we bring Grandma's ashes
to a Walter Mercado penny slot?
All signs point to big win.
This is where she was the happiest.
Actually, it's where we
were the happiest together.
Yeah, you know, I thought
about what you said, Mayan.
And this is the right thing to do.
Would you like to say anything
before you spread her ashes?
You know, quickly,
before anyone catches us.
Yeah, uh
Okay, vieja,
I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing it for me,
to let go of the past.
I don't deserve much,
but I deserve to be free.
Rest in peace con mucho, mucho amor.
Mucho, mucho amor.
Play now for your fortune.
Oh, we've been caught.
Dump the old lady and run.
Muchi, mucho dinero.
- Ahh!
- Ugh.
I got my grandma in my eye!
Ooh, that big-headed Georgie
finally did something right.
Okay, Walter
Oh!
Jackpot!
- $100,000!
- Oh, my God!
You're rich!
I won. I won. I won the jackpot.
This is the best day of my afterlife.
Damn. Being a curandero doesn't pay
like what it used to.
Hmm, I wonder if this
casino takes bitcoin.
Whoa! Oh, no. No, no. No, no.
Let me out of here.
Where's a chancla when you need one?