Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e16 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Quick, it's an emergency!
Oh, my God! What's wrong with Churro?
She ate my beer money.
She'll be fine.
There's not much we can do.
Sure there is.
You can give me some beer money.
Who is that?
You have a man. Don't be greedy.
This is Dr. Bell, an avian specialist.
[BRITISH ACCENT] I usually
just say "bird doctor."
The accent's pretentious enough.
He's gonna be working
out of our office this week
while he preps for BirdCon.
Oh, bird con! I've pulled that one.
Is that where you get a dead pigeon,
you put it in a bucket of KFC,
and then you get
all your meals for free?
No. That's horrible.
BirdCon is like Comic-Con,
but instead of regular nerds,
it's bird nerds.
Wait, wait a minute.
So you look like that,
and all the patients
you see naked are birds?
Well, if there's anything
you need while you're here,
I'm your girl.
I mean, I'm not your girl.
I'm a girl. Well, not girl.
I'm a woman, and you're a man.
And this is a dog who needs laxatives.
- What?
- Don't "what" us.
You were flirting
with that sexy bird freak.
- No, I wasn't.
- Girl, please.
You were all like,
"I'm a woman. You're a man.
You like birds. I like kisses."
[MAKES KISSING NOISES]
"If there's anything
you need, like sex"
[LAUGHS] Ew, wait a minute.
We're talking about my daughter, ew.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[♪]
Look, Mom! Churro made me a dollar.
That's it?
You gotta squeeze her
till five more bucks come out.
Oh, God.
Quinten, can you take Chance to wash up,
somewhere far from where we eat?
- On it.
- And launder my money!
Sexting Dr. Bell, cochina?
No. It's just work stuff.
He needs help with his social media.
Can you believe a bird guy
doesn't know how to tweet?
Oh, that's so funny.
Oh, I should text him that.
It always starts off as work stuff,
and then, they're all
you can think about, and boom!
You're driving to Tijuana
in the middle of the night
for penicillin and itch cream.
I would never cheat on Quinten.
I wouldn't be so sure, Mayan.
Cheating is in our blood.
I think it's time
I told you about the legend
of our ancestor,
Tonto Tecate-Cán.
He was a charming,
irresistible, handsome Aztec king.
[UPBEAT DRUM MUSIC]
He had a taste
for the finer things in life:
Gold jewelry
great food, and gorgeous women.
Unfortunately,
- one of those women was his wife.
- You!
Tonto Tecate-Cán.
I know you've been cheating on me.
I'm going to ask the gods for a divorce
and take everything you own.
Well, buckle up, bruja,
because I have the best lawyers.
Lawyers!
- Throw her in the volcano!
- Oh! No!
I curse you, Tonto!
You're a cheater,
and all your descendants
will be cheaters too!
[WAILS]
Why do I care?
Wait, if Tonto Tecate-Cán
was the one who cheated,
then why did his wife
get thrown into the volcano?
Women weren't treated
with respect, Mayan,
like they are today.
Now shut up and let me finish.
The point of the story
is that you're cursed,
so you have to avoid any temptations.
I love Quinten, and I would never cheat.
I'm not like Tonto Tecate-Cán
BOTH: Or you.
Stop it! Ta loca.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Rosie Flores?
- Mm-hmm.
I called about the basic
life insurance policy.
You said you take non-basic walk-ins?
I do. [LAUGHS]
Ooh, love the dress.
If we were on a safari,
everybody would be looking at us.
BOTH: Ow!
Oh, let's get started.
So what is your date of birth?
Uh, just put down,
"After Gloria, before Shakira."
We share a birthday.
Okay, what is your full legal name?
It's Beatrice Perez,
but everyone calls me Bunny.
Oh, Bunny Perez. That is funny.
You have the same exact name
as the skank my ex cheated with.
And the same face
and the same body
and the same butterfly tattoo
on my lower back.
Ay-yi-yi-yi! No!
But if you're here, who's hosting
the hoochie convention in Vegas?
It's called the Stripper Summit.
It's next month in Park City.
Oh, you're being mean.
You have some nerve!
I know this is awkward.
[SIGHS] I'm in AA now,
taking it one day at a time,
and one of the steps is apologizing
to people that I've hurt.
So I'm here to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too,
that you thought
you could buy my forgiveness
with a basic insurance policy.
You could've at least gone
for the platinum medallion package.
I know I lied.
I didn't think you'd see me
if you knew who I really was.
You're right.
Get out.
But first, initial here, here, and here.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Mayan, great job
clipping those feathers.
Oh, thanks, Dr. Bell.
I got a lot of practice
clipping my dad's back hair.
Dr. Pocha never lets me do this.
Well, I like the people under me
to get their hands dirty.
Do you like to get your hands dirty?
Oh, wow.
I'm sorry, Dr. Bell,
but I'm in a committed relationship.
Well, I don't see a ring.
Well, I'm not technically married.
Well, then it's not
technically cheating.
I guess not technically.
[SERENE MUSIC]
[♪]
Oof! [SPITTING AND RETCHING]
- Oh, God.
- What's wrong?
Did you eat your pillow in your sleep?
Babe, your teeth grinding
is getting out of control.
Uh, yeah, I guess
I just lost my night guard.
[SIGHS] Just wear mine.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Have you seen Mayan?
No, but I'm available,
now, after work,
and for the rest of my life.
Just let me know when you see Mayan.
Is he gone?
Why were you hiding from him?
Are you playing hard to get?
Damn, why didn't I think of that?
I had a dream about Dr. Bell.
[WHISPERING] A sex dream.
Ooh, dish. Tell me everything,
but whenever you're gonna say "Mayan,"
say "Brookie."
- We kissed.
- And?
On the lips!
Ew, that's not a sex dream.
That's an episode of
"Suite Life of Zack and Cody."
You don't get it.
I'm clearly attracted to another man,
and my dad says
that I have cheater DNA in me.
Well, as long as you don't have
anyone else's DNA in you, you're fine.
There you are, Mayan!
Since you seemed so interested
in my body of work
- She is.
- I asked Dr. Pocha if you can assist me
at my BirdCon booth.
And I said yes!
Have fun, you two.
It's gonna be an all-weekend flock fest.
What? It's on the flyer.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[♪]
I'm here, and I'm mad.
You're here, and I'm leaving.
An old friend of yours came by today.
- Bunny Perez.
- Bunny?
She's not an old friend, Rosie.
She's just somebody
that I had an affair with.
What is she doing here?
She had the nerve
to try to apologize to me.
I'll never forgive that sucia.
Even though the policy that she bought
is going to pay for my timeshare
in Puerto Vallarta.
Watch out, Rosie, okay,
because Bunny's crazy.
As soon as she found out I was married,
she set my moving truck on fire,
and worse, I know it was her
that signed me up for jury duty.
Wait, Bunny didn't know
you were married?
Um may I?
You see, Rosie, when a man cheats,
he doesn't lead with
"Do you come here often?
I don't, because I have a wife and kid."
So what you're saying is,
you didn't just hurt me.
You hurt Bunny too.
Well, yeah. It hurt me too.
I mean, I went from having sex
with two women to none.
You both just lost one man.
Yeah, and I thought I was over it,
but having to face Bunny
brought me right back to that time,
and the pain came flooding in.
Yeah. [SIGHS]
Man, I'm sorry that you're
still hurting, Rosie.
Oh, think there's
only one person to blame.
That's right. [LAUGHS]
Tonto Tecate-Cán!
Don't give me that Tonto Te-caca.
You need to take some accountability.
Bunny's doing it. Why can't you?
I am taking accountability
for being cursed!
I'm an irresistible victim.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[♪]
Quinten, there's something
I need to tell you.
There's this bird doctor at my office,
and last night, I had a dream about him.
A sex dream.
- Really?
- We kissed
on the lips.
Yeah, that wasn't a sex dream.
That was an episode
of "Suite Life on Deck."
And it's totally normal.
I dream about other women all the time.
All the time?
I mean, half of the time.
A third of the time?
What time is it?
The problem is, Dr. Bell asked me
to join him at BirdCon.
It'll be just the two of us,
squeezed together in a tiny booth
at a Ramada Inn.
Well, that sounds like
- a great networking opportunity.
- What?
I don't think you get
how serious this is.
Look, I was reading about how children
of unfaithful parents
are more likely to cheat themselves.
It's in "People" magazine.
I mean, it's legit.
Mayan, I would never think
in a million years
that you would cheat on me.
I don't think you're capable.
Not capable?
What is that supposed to mean?
It means you're loyal and you're caring.
- And
- You don't think
I'm attractive enough to get Dr. Bell!
What? That is not what I was saying.
You're very attractive.
You could have a threesome
with Zack and Cody.
Cheating is just not who you are.
You don't know who I am
or what I'm capable of!
I could be really good at cheating.
Sure, Mayan.
You could cheat on me
in your dreams. Oh!
You didn't even do it right then.
Good night.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Bunny. Thank you for coming over.
In case you're thinking
of doing something,
five people know my location
and expect me to report back
in the next 20 minutes.
Please.
If I wanted to kill you,
you'd be dead by now.
- I asked you over so we can talk.
- [SIGHS]
George told me you never knew about us.
I didn't, and when I found out,
- I ended it immediately.
- I know.
Good job setting his truck on fire
and not having it traced back to you.
Thank you.
You should've seen the boat
I sunk in Daytona.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Um I just wanted you to know
that you did nothing wrong. Well, to me.
I can't speak
for that person in Daytona.
Neither can they.
You know, the less
you tell me about that,
the better. You don't owe me an apology.
But I do know someone
who owes us both one.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[GRUNTS]
Grandpa, stop trying
to force that piece in.
- It doesn't fit.
- It doesn't?
And right now, it does.
Dad, Grandpa is a cheater.
Hey, and one day, you will be too.
Embrace your destiny.
I'm gonna go get some glue
to fix my 1,001-piece puzzle.
It's just three of us for dinner.
Mayan's at BirdCon.
With fine-as-hell Dr. Bell?
You gotta stop her, man.
Have you seen this hunk?
Oh, wow. He's handsome.
How many pictures of him
did you download?
It's not what you think, man.
I'm using him to catfish.
And not only is he handsome
He's British, love.
No, I no, I trust Mayan,
and I know she would never cheat on me,
even though last night,
she said she might.
Of course she will, man!
It's something in our blood
that activates.
I think you're confusing
cheating with diabetes.
I never thought
I would cheat, but I did.
If only someone
would've showed up at 3:00 p.m.
on Easter Sunday at that strip club,
my marriage would still be alive!
Would it?
Mayan is more like me than she realizes.
She got a great partner,
and she's gonna ruin it,
and I don't wanna learn a new white guy.
- Aw.
- And I don't wanna learn a new Mexican.
Nope, can't say that. Sorry.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[♪]
Mayan, great job
clipping those feathers.
Ah, thanks, Dr. Bell.
I got a lot of practice
clipping my dad's back hair.
Oh, God. This is my dream.
Mine too. I live for BirdCon.
And this year is gonna be the best yet.
I made sure to bring protection.
What?
- They let hawks in this year!
- Oh.
I can't believe you made me
come spy on Mayan.
Why do you have binoculars?
They're right there.
These aren't binoculars.
These are bar-noculars.
Hey, look, she's not doing anything,
so let's get out of here
before she sees us.
She can't see us.
She's too busy trying to get her hands
on Dr. Bell's big hawk.
I'm so nervous.
I've never done this before.
I know it's a lot to handle, but
just relax and try to enjoy it.
See that?
He's trying to use that bird
as an excuse to grind up on your woman!
Oh, no, I'm sure it just looks bad.
But let's get closer and see
if it sounds bad too.
I want you, Mayan.
You can't deny that we have
great chemistry.
I have to admit, I'm tempted.
I promise you'll be
more satisfied with me.
Hey, she doesn't need to be satisfied.
That's why she's with me!
So back off, bird man!
- Get him, White Tyson!
- Yeah!
- [GROANS]
- Oh!
Quinten, stop!
He wasn't hitting on me.
He was offering me a job!
Oh. [SOFTLY] Sorry
You know, if you can hunt down a pigeon,
I can get us both chicken at KFC.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Little on the nose
for a jail at BirdCon.
Security had to improvise.
Mayan, I'm so sorry.
George got in my head,
and you didn't exactly
instill confidence
when you said that you could be
"really good at cheating."
I'm sorry.
He got in my head too.
Even if we dream about other people,
you're the only one
I wanna wake up next to.
Well, I'm sorry that I made you doubt
what you two have.
You're not me, Mayan.
You're better.
Aw, Dad, you don't have to say that.
I know.
[TRILLS] Tonto, tonto.
- [TRILLS]
- I taught her that.
Someone paid for the damage you caused,
- so you're free to go.
- Really?
All right, let's get home,
and I will show you a real sex dream.
Hey, what the hell?
Sorry, but they said they'd pay me extra
to keep you here.
Who's "they"?
BOTH: We're here!
Hey, Bunny, Rosie, come on, let me out!
Not until you take
accountability for your actions.
Yeah, this is a reckoning, turkey.
You're right.
There's no excuse for what I did
or the lies that I told.
You're both great women,
and I didn't deserve
either of you.
Really, all I can say is that I'm sorry.
- [SIGHS]
- Rosie.
I'm sorry I didn't accept
responsibility sooner.
But Mayan taught me
that being faithful is a real thing!
What? Who knew?
Literally everybody.
I didn't realize what I had to lose.
Well, there is a way
that you can make it up to both of us
at the same time.
All right, I like where this is going.
Okay, slow down.
It's going to Chico's.
And if you don't
What kind of AA do you go to,
Arsons Anonymous?
[UPBEAT DRUM MUSIC]
[SNAKE RATTLING]
[♪]
Mm. Finally, my kingdom is at peace.
[♪]
Tonto Tecate-Cán!
[♪]
How are you still alive?
Turns out you were right. I am a bruja.
- That's why I can do this!
- [SCREAMS IN AGONY]
[♪]
Ay!
That was a good sex dream.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]