Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e07 Episode Script

1
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
Ma'am, please.
My son really wants
that Block Stax Space set
for Christmas, and you got the last one.
I'll give you 50 bucks more
than what you paid for it.
Sorry, but my husband's
obsessed with Block Stax.
This is the best chance I
have at saving our marriage.
You look like you could use a pretzel.
- Oh.
- They sell 'em back there.
Gordo, I know you want
that Block Stax set,
but do you know what I saw
in there that's even cooler?
A Cardi B action figure.
[AS CARDI B] Oww.
Sounds like you want that.
And I'm not worried
about getting that toy,
'cause I can just ask
my favorite old man.
Thank you, Chance. That's very sweet.
Santa!
Forget that weirded beard-o.
Santa plays favorites.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Santa
doesn't play favorites.
He loves all children.
Not if your name is Lopez.
I asked Santa Claus for
the same toy every year.
And did I get it? No!
What toy?
Only the greatest toy of my childhood,
a ventriloquist dummy.
Were you a child in the 1920s?
Santa sucks.
Just ask Steve the
reindeer, who lost his spot
once Rudolph showed up.
Red-nosed kiss ass.
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa is a friend to all,
unless you forget to
leave out milk and cookies.
Yeah, you take one bite and
leave the rest of it there
with your babas behind.
It's selfish and wasteful.
How dare you? I bike to work, sir.
Security, get this
naughty boy out of here.
- Sir.
- All right.
Hey, Santa, if you come down my chimney,
I'll be waiting right there,
though, with a baseball bat
because I'm part of the
Eighth Street Elders.
That's not even a gang
sign. That's arthritis.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
[JINGLE BELLS RINGING]
Nice.
The bells can go wherever you want.
[BELLS CLATTERING]
[SIGHS] I was expecting Rosie.
She's supposed to help me decorate.
And by "help me," I mean
boss me around till I cry.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm here.
Oh, good.
I I thought you might have forgotten
we were gonna decorate.
No, I just came to get some ice cream
'cause I ate all of mine for breakfast.
- Rosie, are you feeling OK?
- Yeah.
I didn't even know you owned sweats.
But don't get me wrong,
you still look hot.
Ew. [SIGHS]
I'm just not into Christmas this year.
This would have been
the week I married Josué
if he hadn't been sneaking
under the mistletoe
with every ho, ho, ho in town.
I'm sorry, Rosie,
but you are la reina de Navidad.
It is not Christmas
without your decorations.
Well, you've seen them.
Close your eyes and remember.
OK.
But the neighbors haven't seen them,
and we applied to be the final
Posada house this year.
Mm. I love Posadas.
Beans, cheese, a little guacamole.
[GIGGLES]
That's tostadas.
Las Posadas are when
people go from house to house,
reenacting when Mary and
Joseph were turned away.
Mm, I campaign every
year to be the final house
where Jesus is born, and
everyone comes and celebrates,
but every year, the church always
gives it to that old virgin,
Irma Valdez.
Wow.
I don't know if you noticed,
but Rosie's depressed.
Do you think I have a shot?
No, we gotta do something to
bring back her Christmas cheer.
It is Chance's favorite holiday.
It's official. Santa sucks!
I'm tapping out on Christmas this year.
Call me when Valentine's
Day rolls around.
What happened?
My dad threatened to start a gang fight
with Santa in front of Chance
and a bunch of children.
George, in this house,
we believe love is love,
science is real, and Santa is magical.
And I believe in protecting Chance
from any disappointment
when he doesn't get
the toy that he asked for.
And I believe in
protecting his innocence.
He's nine,
and we don't have many Christmases left
before he turns into the
biggest scrooge of them all,
a teenager.
Hey, listen up here, vato.
If you don't want to spend
Christmas alone in your truck,
you'll make Santa magic again.
Why must I solve every problem
in this family that I create?
♪
I'm here.
- [SIGHS]
- Rosie!
I'm glad you decided to
get some Christmas gifts.
Yeah, well, thank goodness
for Prime delivery.
I waited till the last minute.
- Are you gonna to them?
- No.
There's a smile on the box.
That's enough Christmas cheer.
I got you beard-growth serum
to help you with your #BeardGoals.
Oh. Thank you.
You know I've been trying
to daddy up this baby face.
[CHUCKLES]
I got something for you too.
Good news. The church called.
They said, we are going to be
the final Posada house.
Whose house? Posada house.
Well, what happened to Irma?
She's hosted the birth of Jesus
since the actual birth of Jesus.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, Irma can't do it
because she fell down a well.
A well?
She's not well. She is not feeling well.
And now Rosie, la reina,
gets the ultimate honor bestowed
by Our Lady of Soledad Church.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
That's great news!
I mean, not for Irma,
but that's her problem.
Well, out of my way.
La reina's gotta get her decorations.
Jesus was born in a pigsty once.
I am not gonna let that happen again.
Oh, no. [LAUGHS]
It's amazing how Irma's not feeling well
because she fell down a well.
I lied. Irma's fine.
Guess she landed in water.
No, I lied about us being
the final Posada house
because Rosie needed cheering up.
Right? Her friend did
just fall down a well.
No, Oscar.
She she
yeah, she's in a well.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
[AS SANTA] Surprise!
It is me, Papi Christmas.
The OG from the NP,
here to wish my favorite family,
the Lopezes, a merry "Chrima' Ee'."
Really? I thought you didn't like us.
What? How could you say that?
I love you,
especially that little handsome devil,
George Lopez.
Handsome?
I think you mean Mario Lopez.
[WITH NORMAL VOICE] That
loco Mario I mean
[AS SANTA] That loco Mario Lopez,
he's Italian.
I know it's you, Grandpa.
Santa smells like candy
canes, not hot dog water.
[GASPS]
Is that the real Santa in my kitchen?
If you think that's Santa,
you're even more delulu than Grandpa.
Damn it, Dad.
Santa doesn't have an accent.
You don't know that, stupid.
[CELL PHONE BEEPING]
My mommy group chat says the
mall got more Block Stax sets.
Also, there's a flasher
on the food court.
Oh, but it's on the other
side of the mall, so it's fine.
There's a flasher, yet
I'm the one who's banned.
But Santa's not banned.
So keep your suit on.
- You're going with me.
- What?
The only way that we're gonna restore
Christmas magic for Chance is
if you make peace with Santa.
Oh, man. Do I have to?
Suck it up!
It's time for holiday joy.
Chance, get in here.
- We're gonna go to the mall.
- Oh, man.
Do I have to?
Suck it up!
It's time for holiday joys.
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
OK.
I'm gonna go in the store
and get Chance's toy,
while you go over there
and show Santa some love.
Chance needs to see you
squash your beef with him.
Two more things Santa
never brought me
squash and beef.
Both on the list.
God, just let it go, man.
Come on, Chance. Let's
go say hi to Santa Claus.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Everybody, excuse me. Elf inspector.
Thank you. Thank you, young man.
Yes, bye.
Ah, see you next year at the North Pole.
Ho, ho, ho. It's another Santa.
Don't worry, kids. It's not weird.
What are you doing, man?
I just came to say hello to
my best friend, Santa Claus.
- I thought you hated him.
- What!
Santa's my buddy, my guy.
My sleigh ride or die.
I don't even know who you are.
It's me, man.
Little Georgie Lopez.
Come on, man.
I just need one
picture, sit in your lap,
and you can tell
everybody how close we are.
No way, man.
I need you to tell me you love me.
[SIGHS]
Now you sound like Mrs. Claus.
Tell me! Say it!
Say it!
I don't think he's gonna say it.
Security!
The naughty boy is back.
You're gonna call me out like
that in front of my grandson?
Is that your grandson?
- Then yes.
- Oh.
You mess with the
chimney, you get the smoke.
Let's go.
Seriously? You're gonna shove Santa?
- All right.
- Oh.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
No!
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
Ooh, ah!
Ah, ow!
I got your back, Grandpa!
[GRUNTING]
Dad! What are you doing!
You were supposed to
make peace with him.
It's not my fault. Blame St. Dickolas.
Ma'am.
Oh, I am not with him.
Are you with that toy?
Because you didn't pay for it.
I was going to, but
then I had to run out
and break up this fight between people
that I don't know.
Nice try.
You're all banned.
I'm already banned. Burn!
Let's go. Let's go.
This ain't over, Santa.
Viva la raza!
Deck the halls with Rosie Flores ♪
Me-me-me-me-me, me-me, me-me ♪
La reina's back ♪
So sound the chorus ♪
You-you-you-you-you,
you-you, you-you ♪
Don we now the decorations ♪
Me-me-me-me-me, me-me, me-me ♪
You-you-you-you-you,
you-you, you-you ♪
[CAROLERS SINGING IN SPANISH]
They're here.
It's Posada time. Quinten, get the door.
Hello, innkeeper.
We've traveled all of Bethlehem,
looking for a place to stay.
- Do you have any room?
- Of course.
Come on in.
Well, thanks anyways.
Wait, you do?
Hell, yeah, we do!
Get your asses in here!
Oh, who wants champurrado?
It's spiked.
Unlike virgin Irma's virgin drinks.
Tostadas, tostadas.
FYI, these are not the same as Posadas.
And this is where
our little Lord Jesus
lays his sweet head.
May I?
Oh, come on.
Hand him over
to me!
[GRUNTS]
I think there's been a mistake.
We were supposed to be turned away.
Irma's expecting us.
Irma fell down a well.
What?
No, no.
He he means Irma is not feeling well,
so she asked us to host.
- [SIGHS IN RELIEF]
- Cocktail weenie?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
What kind of freak fights Santa Claus?
What is up with you?
I tried to play nice with
Santa in front of Chance,
but I guess I'm still upset that
I never got the gift or the Christmas
that I wanted from Santa.
This can't still be about
a ventriloquist dummy.
You know why I wanted
a ventriloquist dummy?
So you didn't have to go to prom alone?
I wanted the dummy so
he could say nice things
to me when nobody in my family would.
I wanted somebody to ask me
what I wanted for Christmas.
I wanted to matter.
I wanted my mom to show up
on Christmas Eve or Christmas.
She never did.
I'm really sorry, Dad,
but think of it this way,
you get to give Chance
the Christmas memories
that you never had.
Yeah.
If I should be mad at
anybody, it shouldn't be Santa.
It should be my mom.
Who doesn't show up for
their kid at Christmas?
- You for ten years.
- Let it go, man.
But you know what?
Nothing will make me happier
than to spend the rest
of my Christmases with you.
You're the greatest gift
a father could ever have.
- I love you, Mayan.
- I love you too, Daddy.
- Don't touch my hair.
- OK.
♪
[UPBEAT FESTIVE MUSIC]
This Posada party is the
best one we've had in years.
Oh, the only thing that
can make this night better
is if Irma was well enough to attend,
so she could see how
much better my party is.
Eh!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Irma! So sorry.
No room at the inn.
You don't no.
Irma!
You're OK.
It's a Christmas miracle!
Irma, how'd you get out of the well?
Did they pull you up in a little bucket?
What well?
I've been sitting around
waiting for everyone
to enjoy my famous virgin cocktails,
but instead, you stole my Posada party.
Irma Valdez,
this party was not stolen.
Right, Quinten?
Don't forget I'm
marrying your daughter ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la ♪
You lied to me?
He lied to all of us.
He said Irma fell down a well
and/or wasn't feeling well.
It's very unclear.
But everything is
because Joseph is drunk.
I hope you're happy.
Because of you, now I have been the host
of a Posada Robada.
De nada.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Rosie, I'm I'm sorry
for lying about the Posada.
I hated seeing you so depressed.
So, in the spirit of Christmas,
I stole an old virgin's
one day of happiness.
Well, when you put it like that,
you make it very hard to be mad at you.
[SIGHS]
As nice as it's been
to have a distraction,
I think I just need
time to get over Josué
and grieve the life that I
thought we would have together.
Two very attractive
people in our sexual prime.
OK.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Santa got me pajamas.
Ooh, I'm gonna use these.
Sorry Santa couldn't get
you the Block Stax set
you wanted this Christmas.
It's not your fault.
It's the fault of the toy companies
creating manufactured scarcity.
Hello! I'm in the gifted class.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I wonder who that could be.
- Oh!
- Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Santa!
- Back for more, I see.
- No! Hey, hey, no!
No!
- We made up.
- You did?
Yep, turns out Santa and
I have a lot in common.
We both bring things
into people's houses.
We both love cookies.
We're both alcoholics.
Both [SPEAKING SPANISH]
- Ho, ho, ho
- OK, all right.
Glad you're getting along.
I hope it's OK, but
I brought a few gifts
for the Lopez family.
Oh, that's nice, Santa.
A Block Stax Space set!
I knew those pajamas were a joke.
I'm sorry for hitting you with
that giant candy cane, Santa.
It's OK.
Mrs. Claus hit me with a
lot worse this Christmas
- divorce papers.
- Oh!
I know you hear this from a lot of kids,
but I love you, Santa.
Hey, Santa, thanks for
agreeing to come over.
It made my grandson's Christmas.
I'm not just here for him.
I'm here for you too.
Aw, Santa.
Thank you.
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
Merry Christmas.
- Oh.
- Oh.
[SCREAMS JOYFULLY]
Ronnie!
[SCREAMS JOYFULLY]
What in the "Chucky" is that?
[WITH SILLY, RASPY VOICE]
I'm the ventriloquist doll
that George always wanted.
Can you give me a hug, please?
[SCREAMS]
Mayan, did you help Santa pick out
- that present for your dad?
- No.
You really think I'd want
that creepy thing in my house?
I mean, how did he know?
You told him in all those
letters you wrote him
back when you were a kid.
I guess Santa does love me.
[WITH SILLY, RASPY VOICE]
And I love you, too, George.
[SCREAMS]