Lost Boys & Fairies (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

So boys, tell me,
why do you wanna adopt?
What you take me for?
Gabriel, there's something
you're not telling me.
The last time was years ago.
There's no problem any more.
I just think a child needs a mother.
No, Emrys, a child needs love.
Oh, shit!
Hi.
He's my biggest achievement.
Let's do it.
Once I believed that
when love came to me
It would come with
rockets, bells, and poetry
But with me and you
It just started quietly
And grew
And believe it or not
Now there's something
groovy and good
About whatever we've got
And it's getting better
Growing stronger
Warm and wilder
Getting better every day
Better every day
I don't feel all turned on
and starry eyed
I just feel a sweet
contentment deep inside
Holding you at night
Just feels kind of natural and right
And it's not hard to see
That it isn't half of what
it's gonna turn out to be
And it's getting better
Growing stronger
Warm and wilder
Getting better every day
Better every day
He's got your eyes, Gabe.
Don't be ridiculous.
He's started looking like you,
you know?
I see it all the time.
Bump into families
a few years later
and they'll all be the same, smitten.
Like dogs and their owners.
You're not gonna say
that in there, are you?
No.
- Hi, yes, I'm Andy.
- And this is Gabe.
- Hi.
Lovely to meet you both,
I'm Steve Thompson,
I'll be trailing
your matching panel today,
and don't worry,
there's nothing to be nervous about.
All right.
Carrie Swells, social worker.
Jennifer Ainsley, panel advisor.
Dr. Zabani, medical advisor.
Maria Johnson, foster carer.
- Jason Owens, legal representative.
- Leah Evans, panel organiser.
- Hewitt Jones, family finder.
- Sheila Perry, Jake's social worker.
Jackie Booth, Gabe
and Andy's social worker.
- You don't have to introduce yourself.
And you already know who I am,
so let's begin, shall we?
So we're under no illusion that this
is gonna be easy by any means,
but well, we think we know
what we're getting
ourselves into, right, Gabe?
And we've just be fully prepared
for that challenge.
Thank you, Andy.
I hope you don't mind, Gabriel,
but the next question's
actually just for you.
- Because a child needs a mother.
- Pardon?
- Another glass of water?
- Yes.
Yes, thank you.
So Gabriel, we understand
that you've been dealing
with some challenging addiction
problems in the past,
and let me be the first
to congratulate you
on coming through on that.
But as you know, adopting
a young boy with Jake's needs,
now that can be incredibly stressful.
Just how confident are you
that you won't have a relapse?
Are you still with us, Gabe?
Absolutely.
Look, of course
you have concerns.
I had concerns too
when I started this process,
Don't get embarrassed now,
Jackie, when I say this,
but she has been totally amazing.
Yes.
She's made me see
how my past experiences
are actually useful here,
'cause I know what it is
to live through trauma.
I've seen some dark days.
I'm doing okay now.
In fact, if it didn't make me sound
like a massive showoff,
I'd say I was doing brilliantly.
Oh wait,
I'm a performer extraordinaire.
I am a massive showoff.
So all right, if I must,
I am thriving, actually,
and I know that I can use
what I've learned when parenting Jake.
'Cause I know how much patience,
acceptance, empathy matters,
how much love matters.
I know that from experience.
And between our friends,
our parents,
we have a solid support network
in place,
so I'm not worried,
Andy's not worried,
Jackie believes in me,
so all I can do now is ask
you humbly,
but hopefully,
to believe in me as well.
I should get an Oscar for that.
How about a Jake?
I knew you could do it!
You buggers!
Congratulations!
He's a lucky boy.
Oh, come here,
we're the lucky ones, right?
Of course, but this is probably
Jake's last chance.
Okay, ta-ta.
She's been with him
from the beginning.
Got him out of there.
Right.
But anyway, today's a good day.
Yes, it is.
Celebrate.
Get your kicks in
where you can, boys.
You deserve it.
Thank you, Jackie.
What?
Let's put her out of her misery.
She's gonna totally lose it.
- Good news, Mom.
- Yes!
I knew it, I knew it!
She's happy.
Ready?
Of course they said yes.
Open the fucking champagne!
We're with child, darling!
We're with child!
I can't hear you very well.
Where are you?
In a club.
Why you out mid-week?
I haven't forgotten
Andy's birthday, have I?
The panel was today.
They've agreed the match.
With Jake.
Jake's coming to live with us.
You must be pleased then?
Yes, we're pleased.
I'd better go Dad.
What did he say?
He's happy.
Another round?
Oh, I've had my limit,
but he hasn't.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You know how much I hate
waking up with a hangover.
Did I rim you last night?
Fucking tequila.
Do people start rimming
when they're parents?
I stopped rimming when I was 16.
Get me my toothbrush.
Oh, for Jake's book.
Who wouldn't want her for a nana?
Has Dad sent his yet?
Don't get cross.
Oh, for fuck's sake,
he looks like a serial killer.
We'll go down Saturday.
Come on, baby.
It's time we introduced him
to Jake.
It won't bite, Dad.
Oh.
They dressed him nicely.
What did you expect, a sack?
Apparently, the only way Claire
could get him to stand still
was by bribing him
with a bar of chocolate.
That's what he's looking
at there behind the camera.
Be careful with that,
you don't want him getting fat.
Is Jake short for anything?
Why?
Well, I just was wondering
if that's what you were gonna call him.
- What else would we call him?
- I don't know.
Something Welsh?
We can't change his name, Dad.
It's his identity, it's who he is.
You changed yours, Gabriel.
But that was my choice,
wasn't it?
Well, actually, we were thinking
we might take another photo of Dad-cu,
seeing as we're here, for the book.
Dad-cu?
It's what we thought he'd call you,
if that's okay with you.
Gabe said it's what he
called his granddad.
I'm sorry,
did I pronounce it wrong?
No, no, you pronounced it
beautifully, Andy.
Fuck's sake, Dad.
A woman's work is never done.
Oh, lovely, Emrys.
- Would you like to see it?
- No, you're all right.
But seeing as we're alone,
there's a hole in my pocket,
it's a real nuisance,
but I've been struggling
with my eyes recently,
and I was wondering if
you might sew it for me.
Why don't you ask Gabriel?
You do know that Gabe makes
all of his own costumes,
don't you, Emrys?
- Does he?
- Yeah, they're astonishing.
Still, I'd rather you did it,
if it's all right with you.
And there's no reason to tell Gabriel,
he doesn't need to know.
Why don't we give Jake
a Welsh middle name?
I'm not doing that
just to please my dad.
It wouldn't be to please your dad.
Look, I know you think
We're not sending him
to a Welsh language school.
Wait, hear me out.
He'd have enough to deal with without
learning another language as well.
But I've looked into it,
and there's an emersion unit
I said no.
You'll never understand.
Try me.
Growing up, I always
struggled with Welsh.
Every word is gendered,
so it's hardly queer friendly, is it?
And it's got all these
grammatical rules,
so it's easy to get things wrong
and my dad was constantly
correcting me.
- Teaching you.
- Correcting me.
And the only gays I'd see
when I was growing up
were either paedophiles,
murdered in toilets,
or fucking Skeleton
from "SuperTed."
Trying growing up
in Northern Ireland.
I just didn't feel like
I could be queer in Welsh.
And plus I don't like
the Welsh words for gay.
Gwrywgydwyr, man gripper,
makes me sound like a JCB.
Or hoyw, hoyw,
it just sounds so gay.
And what's wrong with that,
you self-hating homophobe?
I like hoyw, it's beautiful.
Hoyw, hoyw, hoyw.
It's erotic, gives me a hard-on.
Well, it turns me right off.
So when I came out to my dad,
I couldn't decide which one to use,
so I ended up coming out in English.
Gay.
I'm glad.
He misheard me,
so he said it was okay.
I ended up
having to come out twice.
The second time was much worse.
So forgive me if I don't want
our son learning a language
which has excluded
and rejected me all my life.
Well, that isn't true.
Come on, coming out
in any language is gonna be hard.
Your issue isn't Welsh,
your issue is your dad.
It's the same bloody thing.
But your dad
hasn't rejected you, Gabriel,
and it's your mother tongue.
Banish the darkness
Bring forth the day
Free me from the night, I pray
Gabe?
Mother tongue is sexist.
Did you use a filter on this?
Yoo-hoo, don't mind me,
I'm just having a wink here, all right?
Hi, Mom.
Fucking hell!
Mother?
Now there's no need
to be embarrassed, boys.
You've been through
our sex drawer?
Well, I didn't know it was your sex
drawer until I opened it, did I?
Point is, if I could find
your treasures, so can Jake.
Have to think about these things,
now you'll have to find
somewhere new to keep your toys.
Anyway, can't imagine you
use all of these, do you?
We might as well
have a wee clear out.
All right, keep, tip, recycle.
I could always bring it home
if you don't want.
Mom!
I'm only joking.
Or am I?
Better be, typically it's new.
Oh my actual god.
Go, have a look in the front room.
I got a few wee bits
and bobs for Jake.
This is not a few bits and bobs.
I got excited.
But he'll come
with his own stuff, Mom.
And I already bought him
a few extra things from us.
Have you?
Yeah.
- This isn't a few extra things.
- I got excited.
I thought
we were doing this together.
What are you gonna do for a bed?
No, I've already had a look
around Ikea.
Oh, are these the colours
you're thinking of?
Not that, that will get grubby
Oh, for God's sake, Mom,
back off.
You need to let us do this
on our own.
Sorry, love, it's just I never thought
I was gonna be a nana.
When did you get this wardrobe?
I built it yesterday.
Looks like you and I both
are gonna have to get used
to being a spare part, eh, Gabe?
This is where we cook, Jake.
Dad's a brilliant cook.
You can help make them
with me, if you'd like.
And I'll help eat them.
Lucky I'd made plenty,
Gabe ate five.
Just gonna pick up our wages.
Don't wait up.
And with that I've developed
somewhat of a foot fetish.
By foot fetish, okay, I don't
just mean a toe in the mouth.
No.
It's true.
He said he preferred the girth.
And to what do we owe
this pleasure, blodyn?
Or should I call you Dadi?
If I can call you Grandma.
Touche.
Jesus, Gabriel,
I thought you were dead.
Sent you a wreath last week.
No, I'm only teasing.
Gabe's not dead, he's a dad.
Thank you.
Because Gabe
and his hero of a partner Andy
have somehow managed
to convince social services
to trust them with a child.
Yeah, so their lives
may as well be over.
Want to go on tonight?
You couldn't catch me with a child.
My brother's enough
of a fucking liability.
Why do you have
such of a February face?
So full of frost,
of storm and cloudiness?
Just wishing I was young again,
that's all.
You were a fucking mess
when you were young.
I came home because of you.
And now, dear Peter,
it's time you grew up.
What if I'm shit at it?
But look at me now!
But what if I don't like him?
There were many times
my dear mother
wanted to shove me back up
her glorious vagina
but you know what her last words to me
were in the end?
You, my love,
were the best mistake I ever made.
I can't stop thinking about Mami.
Of course you do.
That's natural.
But you'll have to make do with me,
I'm afraid.
And I'm telling you,
you will be brilliant.
But what if Jake doesn't like me?
Then my darling, at least
he'll have fabulous taste.
I tried to discover
A little something
to make me sweeter
Oh baby, refrain
From breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you gimme no reason
Why you're making me work so hard
That you gimme no
Soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby, please
Give a little respect
To me
Now we're all here,
Claire, do you want to
lead on the practicality
seeing as how you've done
this hundreds of times before?
Good, I can't bear fanning around
in planning meetings.
Grab your pen, boys.
Take a deep breath,
welcome to introductions.
Monday, I want you at mine
10:00 o'clock sharp.
Don't be late.
He'll have been up since six
waiting for you.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Jake.
All right.
Be careful, boys.
Two hours will be quite enough
on the first day,
because the next day,
you can stay for lunch,
see how I do things,
meet the whole gang.
- Oh, I don't like them.
- People who don't eat their greens.
Neither do I.
Clear your plates, boys,
or there won't be any pudding.
It's your favorite, guys!
It'll be an even earlier start for you
the following day,
Good morning, sweetheart.
Aw, hey.
But be warned, he'll start testing you
as the week goes on.
Claire let's me have sugar.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
you said no sugar,
so it's no sugar.
Your rules now, Daddy.
Jake?
Jake?
By now,
you'll be taking him out all day.
Dads!
I wanna go now, now!
Which one of you is his dad?
We both are.
Then that evening,
you'll do the bedtime routine
with me.
Bath, not shower.
Boys smell, always better
to submerge their bits.
- You wanna?
- It's fine.
Then the next day,
we will come to you all's
for the first time.
Come on!
Hi.
Hey.
Come on, your bedroom first.
Yeah? Come.
Do you like it, Jake?
I bloody love it.
Do you wanna hear
the sharp side of my tongue?
Your job now, not mine.
First one to Billy wins!
One, two, three!
- You okay?
- Be careful, Jake.
Okay.
- Okay, Gabe.
- There's no room.
- Gabe, come on.
- Andy, there's no room, it's fine.
- Okay, all right.
- Okay, you ready?
- I'll get a picture.
Let's get a photo, okay?
Yeah!
Cheese.
Cheese!
- Yes!
- Good.
Just popping into Neverland,
I'm sorting out my costume for Friday.
I won't be long.
Take it easy, mate.
CHILD ON BOARD
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
Gabe got drunk last night.
I'm worried
he's having second thoughts.
Have you asked him?
Don't be too hard on him,
poor mate,
we're all damaged,
it just so happens your damage
makes you behave like a saint.
I'm not damaged.
You have some intense
abandonment issues, love.
It's why you can't help yourself
doing everything.
You mother him all the time,
you do anything you can
to stop him leaving.
That is not true.
You brought me breakfast
in bed every morning
from the age of seven, sweetheart.
That's not normal.
Well, you're one to talk,
you're overbearing.
Same issue.
Your father was a wanker.
Go on, love. Go on.
Not in, love?
Maybe if you involved him
a wee bit more.
Don't blame me.
What if he doesn't want this, Mom?
Well, you both have to want it, love,
otherwise it'll be a disaster.
The problem is,
- You still do.
- Yeah, more than anything.
More than Gabriel?
I don't know, Mom.
Oh, love.
Hi, Dad and Daddy.
Oh, hiya, Jake.
Oh, I see Billy's arrived.
And there's my potty mouth dads.
Now, remind me, Jake,
which one's which again?
Easy, Dad, Daddy.
Daddy likes to wear dresses.
Daddy sounds a bit
Bit heteronormative, huh, Jake?
How could I be that when I don't
even know what that means?
- Is it when you don't like gays?
'Cause I do like gays.
I asked for two gays
when I met you, didn't I, Claire?
Two dads, Jake.
And today, when Karson
in year six said
gay people are disgusting
'cause they mince all the time,
I punched him in the face,
didn't I, Claire?
Jake, I was hoping
we might warm up to that.
If you like wearing dresses, Daddy,
does that mean you do
all the cooking as well?
- Well, at least he's claiming us.
- You laughed at me.
- What, no, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
You and Claire.
I mean, I know it's funny
that I can't cook.
That isn't why we were laughing.
I can do fuck all.
Andy cooks,
Andy builds wardrobes.
In fact, what useful skills
am I actually bringing
to the parenting table?
Oh, for God's sake, don't be so petty.
You sew.
Oh, what fuck, a lot of good that'll do
if a tsunami hits Cardiff.
We don't get tsunamis
in Cardiff.
You're behaving
like a fucking child, Gabriel.
See, you are the mom and the dad.
Delia Smith and Bob the Builder,
and I'm just the lazy one.
- Now who's being heteronormative?
- I'm not being heteronormative.
No, you just said
that women do the cooking
whilst men do the DIY,
you can't get more binary
than that, babe.
You know, for a proud queer,
you ain't half internalised
some dodgy shit along the way.
- It's what I grew up with.
- Oh, bullshit.
Your dad did everything
when your mommy passed away.
Yeah, well,
in case you haven't noticed,
I'm not dead,
but you still do everything.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't have to
if you pulled your fucking finger out.
So you do think I'm lazy.
No, no, I think you're being a twat
and this isn't a competition.
Tough shit,
there's two of us, it will be.
Okay.
Okay, so maybe we want this
to stop then, is that it?
We can't do that.
We can't let him down, can we?
No, Gabe.
I have no intention
of letting him down.
I'm talking about us.
Because if this isn't working for you,
Maybe we should stop,
because I will adoptJake
with or without you.
I'm sorry.
I know.
I want to adopt Jake, I do.
Would you have really chosen
Jake over me?
Well, we don't need to worry
about that any more, now do we?
One of the only reasons Mom sent me
to a Welsh language school
is because when I grew up,
she wanted me to fuck Ioan Gruffudd.
I'm serious.
So you know, off I tootled.
And I'm first I'm thinking,
why the fuck has she sent me here?
'Cause even at 11:00, okay,
I am camper than Nigel Owens
and Gareth Thomas
doing the tango.
It stuck out like an erect penis.
Especially yours, I hear.
He did!
It was only afterwards I realised
the world's best kept secret.
That Welsh, well, Cymraeg
is actually one of us.
Seriously, Welsh is totally Cwiar.
Oh, all right.
Oh, you're here late.
I'm so in love with you.
- Celyn.
- I'll be forever blue.
Oh, suit yourself.
Everyone out there
loved me tonight.
I'll be replacing you soon.
If Welsh is so queer friendly,
explain man gripper to me.
- What are you talking about?
- Gwrywgydwyr.
Gydwyr doesn't mean gripper,
does it?
It's an old Welsh word
for copulator.
How do you know that?
My lector told me in my final year.
Right to my dissertation
on queer theory and Cymraeg.
I should interview you, really.
It's better when you got a Welsh chip on
your shoulder the size of Anglesey.
I don't have a chip
on my shoulder.
Why aren't you sending Jake
to a Welsh language school then?
That's really none of your business.
You need to get over yourself, Gabe.
The world's moved on.
The queers have even taken
over the fucking Eisteddfod.
Haven't you just changed
your pronoun to they, Celyn?
- So?
Not all nouns.
Some are masculine and feminine.
I bet you didn't even know
the Welsh word for penis is feminine.
Couldn't get any queerer than that.
I'm thinking of changing
my pronoun to Welsh, actually.
Not quite settled on they.
That doesn't make any sense to me.
Well, not everything's
about you, Gabriel.
- Says he.
- Says they.
You've got to let people
make mistakes, Cel.
Why the fuck should I tolerate
other people's mistakes?
My dad never fucking
tolerated me, did he?
For fuck's sake, got you now.
They fucking got you, didn't they?
Who's fucking got me?
You know, you used to be
radical, Gabe,
and now what, one sniff of parenthood
and you've turned fucking straight?
Can you believe he said that?
- They.
- They. They!
They think they know it all.
And you didn't
when you were their age?
You know what I mean.
Young queers
are so angry all the time.
Cancelling people.
Decimating careers on Twitter.
We used to be attacked by straights
for being too queer.
Now the queers are attacking us
for not being queer enough.
You sing it, sister.
I don't feel I belong anymore.
Now it's all LGBTQX-tra large
with a whopper.
One can't keep up.
Where is love
If I was young now,
maybe I'd be non-binary.
But I was too busy
attending funerals in the eighties
to start thinking about pronouns.
In this world, there is a kind
of painful progress.
So how the hell am I supposed
to guide Jake through all of this
when I don't understand
the world anymore?
Especially when he adores Andy.
Everybody loves Andy.
And Andy loves you, flower.
So don't throw all this away
over some old insecurities.
Otherwise you're letting
the bastards win.
You're not that bullied
queer boy anymore.
You're an adult now.
Fuck!
What?
We're the dinosaurs now.
Sorry, babes,
I was a bit of a dick back there.
It's just the coke talking.
It's fine, blodyn.
You made me think, actually.
Well, my mom always used to say
you need a man to stimulate your brain
as well as your balls.
Wait, does this mean
you're gonna shag me?
I won't tell anyone.
Andy isn't just anyone
and neither are you.
All right, Granddad, suit yourself.
It's Daddy, actually.
Celyn!
Fly, my pretty, fly.
Where were you?
You said you wouldn't be long.
I phoned you.
My phone died.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I didn't trust you.
This isn't your fault, And, it's mine.
I've done this to you.
No, it is.
I've done this to you.
Mom says I mother you too much
because I've got abandonment issues.
And it's not your fault that my shit
makes me behave like a saint
while your shit makes
you behave like a twat.
Thanks, I think?
No, I'm not a saint though, Gabe,
and I can't keep forgiving you
over and over and over again.
You won't have to, I promise.
I've been panicking
that it's all just gonna happen again,
and I thought I was gonna
have to choose Jake over you,
but I don't wanna lose you.
I don't, I thought I did,
but I really, really don't.
You are not going to lose me,
you idiot.
Oh my god, And, you're turning
into me, a crazy person.
For you I'll be doing the cooking
and building shelves.
And I'll make space for you,
if that's what you want.
I will, I promise.
I don't want to cook
or build shelves.
And that's fine too.
You don't have to,
'cause I actually really
love all that shit.
- Be ourselves.
To actually believe me when I say
that I'm really not going anywhere.
Yeah.
But you need to stop
hating yourself.
- I don't hate myself.
- Aha, yes, yes, you do.
You're a classic gay.
You're a classic Welsh gay,
doubly oppressed, doubly self-hating,
double the internalised shame,
it's exhausting.
I love you anyway, you twat.
I bloody love you.
Come here.
I bloody love you too.
Now who's mothering who?
I'm fathering, actually.
Do you want me to stop?
No, you're all right, actually.
Come on.
I've come for a sleep over.
Hey, Jake.
Don't you want to say goodbye?
- Sorry.
- Don't be, it's as it should be.
See you tea time tomorrow.
And don't put with any shit.
Goal!
Sure you don't wanna play
out there?
There's much more space.
Why don't we just pass it back
and forwards to each other?
How do I win then?
It's not about winning, it's just fun.
I have fun while I'm winning.
Let's play dodge ball instead.
- Stop it.
- What's wrong?
There's nothing wrong,
just not keeping Daddy safe.
Stop it, Jake.
For God's sake, I said stop it!
Sorry, Jake.
I didn't mean to frighten you.
I just had a bit of shock, that's all.
- I wanna go home.
- Okay.
Dad will have made us lunch.
No, I wanna go home to Claire's.
If you don't finish it,
there won't be any pudding.
I see you've nearly finished, Daddy.
Want some cake?
You bought a cake
with my name on it?
Bought?
I made a cake
with your name on it.
It was Daddy's idea.
Shall I go?
It's okay, I will.
Jake?
I've made a right mess
of things, haven't I?
Of course Jake's gonna find it hard
to control his emotions.
Must be such a lot
going on in his head.
I know my head feels
pretty full right now.
That feels a bit better.
Am I a girl now
or am I still Jake?
Well, what do you think I am?
A daddy.
Then I think you're still a Jake.
Hello, Jake.
Hello, Daddy.
With dew you paint the flowers
Throughout the early hours
Come, Spirit of Night
Come, Spirit of Night
Dispel my fears
Let light shine through,
Banish the darkness
Bring forth the day
Free me from the night
I pray
What was that song?
Just a song my parents
used to sing to me.
Maybe we should explore some
Welsh schools,
take a look.
It won't do any harm, will it?
So we're all set for Monday then?
No.
He's attaching really well.
We wait 'til Monday,
he'll start shifting back towards me.
It needs to happen sooner.
I've got my last performance
tonight.
Then make it a good one,
and he can move in tomorrow.
But we don't usually place
on weekends.
Well, I'll be around
if anything goes wrong.
As far as I can see,
we don't have a choice.
If we don't do it soon,
we'll jeopardise the attachment.
Fuck.
Fuck.
So this is it?
Yeah, last night of freedom.
Let's go out tonight,
before the show.
- A date, like the old days.
- What?
Look, and if you're worried
about how much there's still left to do
then don't come to Neverland.
What, and miss
your last performance?
They'll be plenty more.
Come on, please,
last night of freedom.
There, gorg.
Thank you, my love.
Everybody, give it up
for Gabriel and Andy!
Hey.
Hey, lads.
Hey, break it up there, lads,
come on.
Come on, lads, come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Go on then!
- Go on!
Yo, what the fuck?
Run, come on, let's go!
Suddenly the world seems
such a perfect place
Come what may
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
End of episode 2