Loudermilk (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
There Is A New Kid In town
1 Is your Dr.
McDreamy here? We should all grab a meal sometime.
I think that guy's choking.
Dr.
Carl? [GRUNTS.]
What happened? This guy just saved my life.
- Oh, honey.
- Not him.
Him.
Loudermilk? It's a CPAP that Carl brought over.
No, I think he did it, probably 'cause he felt guilty.
Why? Because he's sleeping with your imaginary girlfriend? [SNORING.]
[ECHOED SNORING.]
Yeah, look, not that I care, but I-I was thinking, since it's raining outside, well, maybe it would be a good idea if we put our shoes out in the hall so we don't get the floor all wet.
But you don't care? Oh, no.
Not at all.
Not at all.
But somebody might.
Show of hands Does anybody give a shit if the floor gets a little wet? - Not really.
- No.
- Fuck, no.
- Great.
So, you don't care, nobody else cares, it's a non-issue.
So who would like to Uh, yeah, but maybe down the road we'll get somebody who does care, so I was thinking it would be good to establish a "no-wet-shoes-in-the-room rule" for their sake.
That is, if you guys think it's a good idea.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
New guy, w-what's your name? Channing Tatum.
What do you mean "what's my name?" I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.
So I'm just gonna call you New Guy forever? Yeah, I'm good with that.
Okay.
New Guy, it is.
Nice to meet ya, New Guy.
Hey.
But what if we get a new new guy? Well, then, uh, New Guy and New New Guy'll have to work that out.
I think the newer new guy should always get to be New Guy.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was New Guy first.
That's not fair.
LOUDERMILK: Okay, let's Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, okay? Now, would somebody like to bat lead-off with something that's actually worth talking about? I'll take it.
Mugsy.
I had a, uh, brutal day with my boss yesterday.
I was about two seconds away from Yeah, you know, b-but, I'm sorry, but, before we totally get going here, where exactly did we land on the "no wet shoes" thing? Hey, New Guy, shut the fuck up! Yes.
We landed there.
Okay, take it easy.
I'm on your side.
Mugsy.
So, anyway, this, uh, asshole He comes up to me again with some bullshit Okay, I'm gonna stop you here for a second.
Remember, when you're bashing the people around you in your life, you're bashing your life.
- Be aware of that.
- You're right.
- And I know he's one of my triggers - [KNOCKING.]
Do you mind if I sit in? Hey, look! It's a new New Guy! Does it matter where I sit? Anywhere you're comfortable, buddy.
Sorry.
- All right, breaking your balls? - Yeah.
I can't believe K-douche just stood there and took all the glory.
The fucker didn't even mention Tom's name.
All in good time, my friends.
No.
You need to stop letting that prick take credit for your ideas.
I promise you, my day will come.
Reardon is gonna promote somebody to head up the new Voluptuous Vodka campaign.
Kevin is going to help him make that decision.
So, no need to rock the boat.
- Tomcat? - Yes.
Can I have a word with you in my office? - Yes, you can.
- All right.
Okay.
Tommy boy, did you hear? Arrow is ka-pow! Busting a nut over this campaign.
Yeah, no, I mean, it It feels good to finally see one of my ideas get this sort of traction.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your idea? You mean our idea? This is a team effort, Tom.
Yeah, you came up with the rabbit daredevil character, but I flushed it out with you.
You added a lightning bolt to the helmet.
Which is what brought him to life.
[SCOFFS.]
Y Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful.
- You have given me so - It's okay.
When I was working under Pete, I had a shit-ton of ideas that I didn't get "official credit" for.
But right now, you just have to be patient, young grasshopper.
- [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
- Okay? You're a good ideas man, but your pitching skills, they suck.
My pitching skills don't suck.
Oh, no? Okay, let's take a page out of my favorite movie, "The Wolf of Wall Street.
" I am the client.
Sell me this Cross pen.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Um, all right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Maybe we could do Never say maybe, it shows uncertainty, a sign of weakness.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
Imagine the Continental Congress is in session.
All the founding fathers are there, you know? They're there to sign the Declaration of Independence.
They all have the The old-style, - uh, quill and ink pens.
- The big Yeah, yeah, the dip and the scratch and then B-But now it's John Hancock's turn, he steps up, whips out the Cross pen, signs his name 10 times bigger than everyone else in one smooth stroke.
So everyone gathers around, they they want to know about his pen, they want to re-sign their names with it, you know, but but, uh, Thomas Jefferson, you know, he's not having it, he's not gonna rewrite the whole document unless he can use the Cross pen.
- Wow.
That is not bad.
- [LAUGHS.]
But it's not always about what you were saying, it's about how you are saying it.
And that needs some work.
When you are ready, you'll get your shot.
Uh, okay.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold up there, Tomcat, there is one other thing I could use your help with.
Shut the door.
Okay, I need you to go to a meeting for me.
A client meeting? Kind of.
Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
Long story short, I got popped doing 50 in a school zone.
Anyways, I took a plea, okay? Now I got to go to a bunch of these meetings for this stupid drug diversion program.
But I can't make it to the first meeting tonight 'cause I got to have drinks with Reardon.
So I need you to go to this Sober Friends meeting and pretend to be me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hmm.
You're not serious.
Of course I'm serious.
You go there for an hour, listen to some funny drunk stories, you get the person to sign the the paper.
It's easy-peasy.
Okay, but I-if I go as you to a meeting tonight, what happens when you go to the next one? - And we look nothing alike.
I mean - That's why I'm sending you to a rinky-dink meeting on the other side of town.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, I don't know.
Okay.
No problem.
I'll just get Gary to do it.
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Anybody but fucking Gary.
Okay, well, then, are you in or are you out? ROGER: I mean, it's just not fair! I took all the same classes and clinics as those other guys, and they all got hired and I didn't.
Oh, my God, Roger, get the fuck over it, will ya? You bring this shit up every week.
Why should I get over it? It's one of my dreams.
I do have the right to pursue a dream, Tony.
Yeah, but setback shouldn't mean relapse, okay? Everybody takes lumps.
I know.
I just got so mad, I didn't know what else to do.
Well, I guess you just got to figure out what's keeping them from hiring you.
Maybe it's your attitude.
Attitude is important.
What's wrong with my attitude? I've got a good attitude.
You? Do you think I've got a good attitude? Seems fine to me.
Yeah, but when someone's working with high school kids, you you want them to have a certain temperament, right? Well I mean, m-my teachers all had different personalities, different styles.
He's not trying to be a teacher.
Oh.
What are you trying to do? High school football ref.
Maybe they thought you were too slow, Roger.
I ran a 4.
8-40.
He meant slow in the head.
I completely memorized the rule book and I aced the test.
Yeah, but they wouldn't just not hire you for nothing.
I know.
Exactly.
I've got a theory.
I think it's because I'm British.
[MURMURING.]
They think I can't figure out their football rules.
Or it could be Mm-hmm? [CLEARS THROAT.]
No offense, I just mean, to be a football ref, wouldn't you have to - What? - Yeah, what? I-I just mean, let's say they score a touchdown.
Would you have to do this? But I can do that.
Yeah, it's probably the accent.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sorry, dude, we're totally fucking with you.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
LOUDERMILK: Yeah.
Got to fuck with the new guy.
Just to clarify, I'm still New Guy.
Hey.
All right, now that your cherry's popped, why don't you introduce yourself.
Oh, um, yeah.
You don't have to stand up.
I mean, you can, but nobody does.
Uh, hi.
I'm Tom.
My real name is Kevin.
People just call me Tom.
It's a nickname from h-high school, 'cause I played the Tom-Tom in marching band.
- Well, welcome Tom.
- Welcome, Tom-Tom.
Hi, Tom.
You want to tell us what, uh, brings you here? Oh, n-no thanks.
This Uh, it's my first meeting, so I'm just Just here to listen and ah, get this paper signed.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm the one in charge of signing that paper, and I think it would be cathartic for you to share.
Okay.
Well, uh, I've always been a big drinker, ever since Since high school.
Junior high even.
Yeah, I was I was at a sleep-over at Derek Daily's.
During a game of hide and seek, I found the real milk and cookies His parents' liquor cabinet.
[YAWNS.]
A few KahlÃa and creams later, and off to the races.
I was on heroin for a while.
Ah.
Yeah, it was it was just like that movie "Trainspotting," only it wasn't a movie, and But the things I did for that sweet needle.
Like what? Uh Well one time, I sold the family's schnauzer to some neighbors for extra dope money.
I don't know what the Kims did with him, but I never saw him again.
That's some fucked up shit, brother.
They probably ate his ass up.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Oh, sorry.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Um Thanks for sharing, Tom.
Uh, yeah.
No problem.
You have a sponsor yet? Do I have a what? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
That's a big no.
Who wants to sponsor Tom? Anybody? Okay.
I guess I can handle it.
Tony, it's got to be somebody who's more than two-weeks sober, okay? I understand it's a personal best for you.
- But it's you know.
- It it's okay.
I can get a sponsor next week.
Fuck it! I'll do it! Are you sure, Cutter? Uh you think your ready, after what happened to Ollie? I stood up, didn't I? Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
Um okay.
Tom, Cutter.
Cutter, Tom.
- Um - That's it, everybody.
- Take your cups with you please.
- Uh Uh, can anyone tell me what What happened to this this Ollie Ollie person? That's my cross to bear.
- Cutter.
- Oh, hi.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
- Where are they? Indiana? - Yeah.
- Playing like, 6:00 I think.
- Excuse me! - I think I'd go with Celtics.
- Mr.
Loudermilk - You're a believer.
- Yep.
Uh just uh gotta get my paper signed.
Yeah.
- See you at the next one? - Absolutely.
Yeah, looking forward to diving in, seeing what - [SCREAMS HIGH-PITCHED.]
- You feel that? That's the kind of grip this thing's got on you, man.
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
- See you, Tom.
Your disease is a sadomasochistic prick that wants to butt rape your soul and leave you face down in a pile of pig shit.
[WHEEZING.]
As your sponsor, it's my duty to make sure that doesn't happen.
You see this? This is a five-year chip.
They don't just give these away.
Uh, o okay.
I-I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I-I don't think I need a sponsor.
Denial ain't just a river in South America.
You sold your family dog for smack.
No.
I'm not judging you for it.
I know how it is.
But normal people, normies, they don't do stuff like that.
- Give me your phone.
- Oh um.
I lost it.
[GRUNTING.]
Huh.
There it is.
I made you a promise here tonight, Tom, and that means something to me.
- Mm-hmm.
- [PHONE CLICKING.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Now you know it's me calling.
Terrific.
Say, why don't we just go grab a horchata, we can start working the steps.
Um Yeah.
This has been really overwhelming for me, so I'm I'm gonna pass, but All right then.
I'll see you here tomorrow night! Yeah! Yep! Tomorrow! - [KEYS JANGLING.]
- Hey! How'd it go tonight? Good meeting? It was a great meeting.
Yeah.
One of my regulars really stepped up big time.
This guy hasn't spoken in months, and he, uh, offered to sponsor the new guy.
I thought the new guy already had a sponsor.
Nah, we got a new new guy.
[LAUGHING.]
You should see this kid, man.
He looks like shit.
He's really been through the ringer.
I think Cutter's gonna be good for him.
Cutter? Isn't that the crazy dude who looks like Floyd Mayweather after you add water? He's not crazy.
He's He's just a strong flavor.
He's not crazy? He tried to sell me a dead rat once that he'd attached to a key chain.
Said it would bring me good luck in my love life.
[MUFFLED.]
You've got a lot of nerve Who's playing that shit? This is the third time this week I've had to listen to this fucking song.
Oh, it's not that bad.
"Sugar Days"? It's not that bad? - It's 77 in my book.
- Which book? "All You Need is Love" and 500 other songs to kill yourself to.
- Google it.
- I can't.
Glen next door changed his wifi password again.
- [SONG CONTINUES.]
- You're kidding me.
- Nope.
- What a paranoid asshole.
All right.
Well, we'll just crack it, you know? It's it's gonna be the name of one of his ferrets.
Unfortunately, he just got another ferret - [SONG CONTINUES.]
- so we're totally screwed.
You know, I think it's coming from Gay Jim's place.
- Who? - Gay Jim.
Across the hall? Gay Ji Oh.
His name's Gayjum.
It's Pakistani.
He's he's married to a woman.
Uh, really? Then why's he always smiling at me? I don't know.
Maybe he's gay.
[SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Yep? CUTTER: Sounds like your Ford needs a new serpentine belt.
What year is that thing? I don't know.
You know what? I'll get it looked at tomorrow.
There's a Pep Boys across the street from my office.
Tell you what.
I'll pick one up and swap it out before tomorrow night's meeting.
By the way, remind when you see me that I got your paperwork.
We want to make sure you get credit for all the meetings you about to hit.
Wait, wait, wait.
You stole my paperwork? It fell out of your pocket when I grabbed your phone.
No, no, no.
I need that paper.
It's important.
Damn right it is.
That's why it can't be in the hands of a drunkard who already lost it at his very first meeting.
- Call me if you need anything.
- No, I need that paper - [BEEP.]
- No, no, no! No! No, no, no!! So tell me why you hangin' around my door You've got a lotta nerve Thinking I would take you back Uh-huh, uh-huh I say, you've got a lotta nerve Uh-huh After hookin' up with that skank - I wanna see ya beg now - No Want makes you think I'd ever think about forgivin' your ass - Hey.
Uh - Hey.
I thought I heard someone out here.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm just making my nightly rounds Uh, neighborhood watch.
[KETTLE WHISTLES.]
- You're such a pretty boy - You want some tea? Uh, sure.
- I know exactly what you need - Okay! It's such a pity, boy Uh-huh - You won't be gettin' none from me - I see you got some new vinyl.
Yeah, I went to that little record store over on Market.
That's a good place.
Why do they have this shit? Huh? Uh, nothing.
I'm just checking out your records.
Hey, yeah Wilson Phillips Who-o-ah "Glee Season 2", "Glee Season" Eeah.
Hey, yeah Oh, my God.
Who-o-ah You've got a lotta nerve [NEEDLE SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS.]
Why'd you turn off the music? Loudermilk? LOUDERMILK: She went into Rhino Vinyl, and this is what she walked out with.
Well, maybe she bought them ironically, you know, like, to give away as gag gifts.
No, no.
That's not ironic.
Okay? She was playing Sugar Days fucking over and over again.
That's not ironic.
It explains why she's with the doctor, you know, 'cause t-they're fucking They're idiots when it comes to music.
- That's not true.
- It's absolutely true! Do y Do you listen to the music in a waiting room? You can't do surgery and also understand the intricacies of good music.
It's not It's different parts of the brain.
It's not fucking possible.
Oh, really? Okay, well, what about Dr.
Dre, uh, Dr.
John, Doctors Hall & Oates? Look, anyway, music is subjective, okay? Who's to say what's good or what's bad? Uh, me.
Like, I literally wrote the book on what's good and what's bad.
Uh, so she has shitty taste in music.
So what? It's not her fault.
Most beautiful women do, honestly Their adorable ears pick up sounds differently than you or I, so stop being an asshole and bring her her stuff back.
- How 'bout that? - No.
I can't go over there.
We need a cooling-off period.
I got to process this.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
ALLISON: [THROUGH DOOR.]
Hey! Loudermilk! Why'd you take my music? Hmm? I'm still processing.
Your sponsor has my paperwork? Why the fuck did you get a sponsor? I don't know.
It j It just happened.
I But Don't worry.
I'm gonna get it back from him at the meeting tonight.
Yeah, just just get my paperwork back and cut him loose, okay? N Oh, oh.
Hold on there, buddy.
I think I can kill two birds with one stone here, and you can get me the rest of the signatures.
How is that killing two birds? You'll be helping you and me.
But going to your Sober Friends meetings doesn't help me.
Sure, it does.
I'm gonna owe you big time.
You already owe me! That is very true, but now I'm going to owe you big time.
I'm gonna make it my mandate to help you reach the next level here.
You know this is illegal.
We can get in actual trouble for this.
The crime has already been committed, Tom-bomb.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Now it's just a matter of me showing you that you have some follow-through.
Give us a minute here, Gary.
See, I knew I should've gotten Gary to do this.
Oh, fuck Gary! Listen, if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna need more than just a promise from you to help me out.
Okay.
Tell me what you're thinking.
I want to take point on the Voluptuous Vodka account.
I want to be in that meeting myself, face to face, pitching my ideas.
I want to show Reardon what I can do.
Do we have a deal? Okay.
Okay? - Yeah.
O-Okay.
- Deal.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SNIFFS.]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[RINGTONE PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, man, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- Can I call you right back? - I'll make it quick.
There's a lunch meeting right around the corner from your office.
It's not my scene, but I think you'd dig it.
By my office? Wai How do you know where I work? You said you worked right across the street from Pep Boys, did a little detective work, and I'm walking into your office right now.
Uh, no, no.
Uh, stay right there.
Stay outside.
I'll be right there.
- Hey.
- Hey, pork-snout.
The meeting's just a couple blocks away from here.
You're gonna love it Business-type people like you.
How long is this meeting? If you don't have time for a meeting, we can go up to your office and start working the steps instead.
You can introduce me to your office friends.
No, no.
Uh, let's do this right.
Good attitude.
Whoa.
Hey, old-timer.
I see somebody got a new friend.
Yeah.
This is Lil' Pumpkin.
Well, hey there, Pumpkin.
No, it's Lil' Pumpkin.
Lil' Pumpkin.
Is that Is that "Lil'," L-I-L, or "Little" with the T's? Is there an apostrophe in [DOOR SHUTS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
What happened to you last night? Last night? Oh! Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, last night.
That was, uh It was kind of embarrassing, actually.
I-I had, uh, some stomach issues.
The Big D.
Diarrhea.
Yeah, I knew what the Big D meant, but why'd you take my records and my record player? If you wanted to borrow some music, you could've just asked.
W No, I didn't I didn't want to borrow your music.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
I felt I had to confiscate your music to just try to understand why one person would buy so many crappy records.
What are you talking about? Those are great records.
No, no, no.
"Dark Side of the Moon" is a great record, okay? "Fear Of A Black Planet," "Doolittle," "Houses Of The Holy" Great records.
And what's wrong with my records? Just calling them records is a little bit of a stretch.
Oh, really? So now you're bashing Prince? Oh, no.
Love him.
I love him.
Love Prince.
A ton of great albums None of which you own.
You bought "Come.
" "Come" is the album that he made intentionally bad to get out of his Warners deal.
You're a music snob.
No shit.
I was a critic.
That was my job, you know? I mean, find me a critic who's not a snob.
It just comes with the territory of being right.
You have one decent album in that whole box, okay, and it was Pavement, "Slanted & Enchanted.
" Well, Emerson, Lake & Palmer? They're okay.
They're all right.
They're horrible in concert.
Horrible.
You brought the triple live album.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna apologize for Emerson, Lake & Palmer.
Well, I think you just did.
Look, I'm not I don't I'm not trying to be a dick here, okay? Okay, you don't have to try, Loudermilk, 'cause it comes naturally.
Hey, what are you getting so worked up about? I We're just talking music.
You're the one getting worked up! I mean, how dare you steal my records and my record player, and then you tell me my taste sucks.
I did like that Pavement album.
That's Carl's.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Of course it is.
[CUTTER COUGHS.]
Sorry Can't smoke out here.
Relax, Deputy, it's an e-cig No smoke, just vapor.
That's a Marlboro Red.
E-cig.
Oh.
I need to get my paperwork back.
I need to get that signed.
Already took care of it, my friend.
I'd feel better if I could hold on to that.
It's my responsibility.
Take it easy.
It's in good hands.
You'll get it back once we get all the signatures.
[WOMEN LAUGHING.]
Hey, you cool flying solo? I want to check out the ladies.
You know I'm kind of into that girl-on-girl thing.
Oh.
You know what I'm talking about, right? Kind of.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you at this meeting.
Are you new to the program? Um, yeah Kind of new.
It's tough at first, but it gets easier.
You found a sponsor that you like? That I like? No.
My sponsor's mentally ill.
That's him right there smelling that woman's hair.
Yeah, it can be hard to tell what you're gonna get when you first pick 'em.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I didn't pick him.
He picked me.
Maybe you should find someone else.
You know, it's crucial to your recovery to have a sponsor that you trust and look up to.
Yeah.
Wait, really? I can do that? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Um, just be honest with him.
Tell him that you It's not a good fit for you.
He won't take it personally.
These old-timers don't.
You could have your sponsor for years, you know? It's It's got to feel right.
Right.
[GIGGLING IN BACKGROUND.]
Thank you.
No problem.
[CUTTER TALKS INDISTINCTLY.]
So, want me to be your sponsor? Oh, um no.
I'll come back tonight and pick you up for the meeting at the Immaculate.
Ah, yeah, listen, uh, Cutter, there's something I need to tell you.
Did you have a slip? No, I-I didn't have a slip.
Um I'm getting a different sponsor.
I-I met a guy at the meeting today, and we just really clicked.
You're a great guy, Cutter, I just I think we're a better fit, you know? Um is this registering? - Yeah.
- Uh, okay.
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
Just tears up my heart a little.
Oh.
No.
I-I thought you weren't supposed to take this personally.
I am a human being, Tom.
I'm not no fucking robot! I do have feelings and emotions, and I'm not ashamed of that.
Who is this guy? It's not that fella I saw you talking to by the bathroom, because I got kind of a weirdo vibe from him.
No.
No, it's not that guy.
I I met this guy while you were smelling that woman's hair.
- What's his name? - Uh Donny.
How much clean time does Donny have? Should be two years minimum.
He just got his 10-year chip.
Ooh.
Wow.
Well, that's certainly enough time.
I should probably hit the road, get myself to a meeting and go see my own sponsor.
Rejection's one of my triggers.
Uh I-I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, do what you got to do.
I-I do need to get my paperwork back from you.
All right, then.
If that's what you want.
Thank you.
Thank you, Cutter.
I-I do appreciate everything you've done for me.
Do you find it gets a little easier Each time you make it disappear? [MOANING.]
Oh, fools, the magician bends the rules - [BANGING.]
- As the cro I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try Imagine, if you were Herr Barockter Alias and nobleman, son of son of sky, and of scion Part of his rich inheritance Parceled and generous divorced sentence forthwith being Certain blocks of land and living quarters Deemed by all gentlemen and wives thereof To be grossly humane and frankly, quiet undirty I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try
McDreamy here? We should all grab a meal sometime.
I think that guy's choking.
Dr.
Carl? [GRUNTS.]
What happened? This guy just saved my life.
- Oh, honey.
- Not him.
Him.
Loudermilk? It's a CPAP that Carl brought over.
No, I think he did it, probably 'cause he felt guilty.
Why? Because he's sleeping with your imaginary girlfriend? [SNORING.]
[ECHOED SNORING.]
Yeah, look, not that I care, but I-I was thinking, since it's raining outside, well, maybe it would be a good idea if we put our shoes out in the hall so we don't get the floor all wet.
But you don't care? Oh, no.
Not at all.
Not at all.
But somebody might.
Show of hands Does anybody give a shit if the floor gets a little wet? - Not really.
- No.
- Fuck, no.
- Great.
So, you don't care, nobody else cares, it's a non-issue.
So who would like to Uh, yeah, but maybe down the road we'll get somebody who does care, so I was thinking it would be good to establish a "no-wet-shoes-in-the-room rule" for their sake.
That is, if you guys think it's a good idea.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
New guy, w-what's your name? Channing Tatum.
What do you mean "what's my name?" I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.
So I'm just gonna call you New Guy forever? Yeah, I'm good with that.
Okay.
New Guy, it is.
Nice to meet ya, New Guy.
Hey.
But what if we get a new new guy? Well, then, uh, New Guy and New New Guy'll have to work that out.
I think the newer new guy should always get to be New Guy.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was New Guy first.
That's not fair.
LOUDERMILK: Okay, let's Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, okay? Now, would somebody like to bat lead-off with something that's actually worth talking about? I'll take it.
Mugsy.
I had a, uh, brutal day with my boss yesterday.
I was about two seconds away from Yeah, you know, b-but, I'm sorry, but, before we totally get going here, where exactly did we land on the "no wet shoes" thing? Hey, New Guy, shut the fuck up! Yes.
We landed there.
Okay, take it easy.
I'm on your side.
Mugsy.
So, anyway, this, uh, asshole He comes up to me again with some bullshit Okay, I'm gonna stop you here for a second.
Remember, when you're bashing the people around you in your life, you're bashing your life.
- Be aware of that.
- You're right.
- And I know he's one of my triggers - [KNOCKING.]
Do you mind if I sit in? Hey, look! It's a new New Guy! Does it matter where I sit? Anywhere you're comfortable, buddy.
Sorry.
- All right, breaking your balls? - Yeah.
I can't believe K-douche just stood there and took all the glory.
The fucker didn't even mention Tom's name.
All in good time, my friends.
No.
You need to stop letting that prick take credit for your ideas.
I promise you, my day will come.
Reardon is gonna promote somebody to head up the new Voluptuous Vodka campaign.
Kevin is going to help him make that decision.
So, no need to rock the boat.
- Tomcat? - Yes.
Can I have a word with you in my office? - Yes, you can.
- All right.
Okay.
Tommy boy, did you hear? Arrow is ka-pow! Busting a nut over this campaign.
Yeah, no, I mean, it It feels good to finally see one of my ideas get this sort of traction.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your idea? You mean our idea? This is a team effort, Tom.
Yeah, you came up with the rabbit daredevil character, but I flushed it out with you.
You added a lightning bolt to the helmet.
Which is what brought him to life.
[SCOFFS.]
Y Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful.
- You have given me so - It's okay.
When I was working under Pete, I had a shit-ton of ideas that I didn't get "official credit" for.
But right now, you just have to be patient, young grasshopper.
- [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
- Okay? You're a good ideas man, but your pitching skills, they suck.
My pitching skills don't suck.
Oh, no? Okay, let's take a page out of my favorite movie, "The Wolf of Wall Street.
" I am the client.
Sell me this Cross pen.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Um, all right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Maybe we could do Never say maybe, it shows uncertainty, a sign of weakness.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
Imagine the Continental Congress is in session.
All the founding fathers are there, you know? They're there to sign the Declaration of Independence.
They all have the The old-style, - uh, quill and ink pens.
- The big Yeah, yeah, the dip and the scratch and then B-But now it's John Hancock's turn, he steps up, whips out the Cross pen, signs his name 10 times bigger than everyone else in one smooth stroke.
So everyone gathers around, they they want to know about his pen, they want to re-sign their names with it, you know, but but, uh, Thomas Jefferson, you know, he's not having it, he's not gonna rewrite the whole document unless he can use the Cross pen.
- Wow.
That is not bad.
- [LAUGHS.]
But it's not always about what you were saying, it's about how you are saying it.
And that needs some work.
When you are ready, you'll get your shot.
Uh, okay.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold up there, Tomcat, there is one other thing I could use your help with.
Shut the door.
Okay, I need you to go to a meeting for me.
A client meeting? Kind of.
Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
Long story short, I got popped doing 50 in a school zone.
Anyways, I took a plea, okay? Now I got to go to a bunch of these meetings for this stupid drug diversion program.
But I can't make it to the first meeting tonight 'cause I got to have drinks with Reardon.
So I need you to go to this Sober Friends meeting and pretend to be me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hmm.
You're not serious.
Of course I'm serious.
You go there for an hour, listen to some funny drunk stories, you get the person to sign the the paper.
It's easy-peasy.
Okay, but I-if I go as you to a meeting tonight, what happens when you go to the next one? - And we look nothing alike.
I mean - That's why I'm sending you to a rinky-dink meeting on the other side of town.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, I don't know.
Okay.
No problem.
I'll just get Gary to do it.
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Anybody but fucking Gary.
Okay, well, then, are you in or are you out? ROGER: I mean, it's just not fair! I took all the same classes and clinics as those other guys, and they all got hired and I didn't.
Oh, my God, Roger, get the fuck over it, will ya? You bring this shit up every week.
Why should I get over it? It's one of my dreams.
I do have the right to pursue a dream, Tony.
Yeah, but setback shouldn't mean relapse, okay? Everybody takes lumps.
I know.
I just got so mad, I didn't know what else to do.
Well, I guess you just got to figure out what's keeping them from hiring you.
Maybe it's your attitude.
Attitude is important.
What's wrong with my attitude? I've got a good attitude.
You? Do you think I've got a good attitude? Seems fine to me.
Yeah, but when someone's working with high school kids, you you want them to have a certain temperament, right? Well I mean, m-my teachers all had different personalities, different styles.
He's not trying to be a teacher.
Oh.
What are you trying to do? High school football ref.
Maybe they thought you were too slow, Roger.
I ran a 4.
8-40.
He meant slow in the head.
I completely memorized the rule book and I aced the test.
Yeah, but they wouldn't just not hire you for nothing.
I know.
Exactly.
I've got a theory.
I think it's because I'm British.
[MURMURING.]
They think I can't figure out their football rules.
Or it could be Mm-hmm? [CLEARS THROAT.]
No offense, I just mean, to be a football ref, wouldn't you have to - What? - Yeah, what? I-I just mean, let's say they score a touchdown.
Would you have to do this? But I can do that.
Yeah, it's probably the accent.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sorry, dude, we're totally fucking with you.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
LOUDERMILK: Yeah.
Got to fuck with the new guy.
Just to clarify, I'm still New Guy.
Hey.
All right, now that your cherry's popped, why don't you introduce yourself.
Oh, um, yeah.
You don't have to stand up.
I mean, you can, but nobody does.
Uh, hi.
I'm Tom.
My real name is Kevin.
People just call me Tom.
It's a nickname from h-high school, 'cause I played the Tom-Tom in marching band.
- Well, welcome Tom.
- Welcome, Tom-Tom.
Hi, Tom.
You want to tell us what, uh, brings you here? Oh, n-no thanks.
This Uh, it's my first meeting, so I'm just Just here to listen and ah, get this paper signed.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm the one in charge of signing that paper, and I think it would be cathartic for you to share.
Okay.
Well, uh, I've always been a big drinker, ever since Since high school.
Junior high even.
Yeah, I was I was at a sleep-over at Derek Daily's.
During a game of hide and seek, I found the real milk and cookies His parents' liquor cabinet.
[YAWNS.]
A few KahlÃa and creams later, and off to the races.
I was on heroin for a while.
Ah.
Yeah, it was it was just like that movie "Trainspotting," only it wasn't a movie, and But the things I did for that sweet needle.
Like what? Uh Well one time, I sold the family's schnauzer to some neighbors for extra dope money.
I don't know what the Kims did with him, but I never saw him again.
That's some fucked up shit, brother.
They probably ate his ass up.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Oh, sorry.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Um Thanks for sharing, Tom.
Uh, yeah.
No problem.
You have a sponsor yet? Do I have a what? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
That's a big no.
Who wants to sponsor Tom? Anybody? Okay.
I guess I can handle it.
Tony, it's got to be somebody who's more than two-weeks sober, okay? I understand it's a personal best for you.
- But it's you know.
- It it's okay.
I can get a sponsor next week.
Fuck it! I'll do it! Are you sure, Cutter? Uh you think your ready, after what happened to Ollie? I stood up, didn't I? Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
Um okay.
Tom, Cutter.
Cutter, Tom.
- Um - That's it, everybody.
- Take your cups with you please.
- Uh Uh, can anyone tell me what What happened to this this Ollie Ollie person? That's my cross to bear.
- Cutter.
- Oh, hi.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
- Where are they? Indiana? - Yeah.
- Playing like, 6:00 I think.
- Excuse me! - I think I'd go with Celtics.
- Mr.
Loudermilk - You're a believer.
- Yep.
Uh just uh gotta get my paper signed.
Yeah.
- See you at the next one? - Absolutely.
Yeah, looking forward to diving in, seeing what - [SCREAMS HIGH-PITCHED.]
- You feel that? That's the kind of grip this thing's got on you, man.
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
- See you, Tom.
Your disease is a sadomasochistic prick that wants to butt rape your soul and leave you face down in a pile of pig shit.
[WHEEZING.]
As your sponsor, it's my duty to make sure that doesn't happen.
You see this? This is a five-year chip.
They don't just give these away.
Uh, o okay.
I-I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I-I don't think I need a sponsor.
Denial ain't just a river in South America.
You sold your family dog for smack.
No.
I'm not judging you for it.
I know how it is.
But normal people, normies, they don't do stuff like that.
- Give me your phone.
- Oh um.
I lost it.
[GRUNTING.]
Huh.
There it is.
I made you a promise here tonight, Tom, and that means something to me.
- Mm-hmm.
- [PHONE CLICKING.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Now you know it's me calling.
Terrific.
Say, why don't we just go grab a horchata, we can start working the steps.
Um Yeah.
This has been really overwhelming for me, so I'm I'm gonna pass, but All right then.
I'll see you here tomorrow night! Yeah! Yep! Tomorrow! - [KEYS JANGLING.]
- Hey! How'd it go tonight? Good meeting? It was a great meeting.
Yeah.
One of my regulars really stepped up big time.
This guy hasn't spoken in months, and he, uh, offered to sponsor the new guy.
I thought the new guy already had a sponsor.
Nah, we got a new new guy.
[LAUGHING.]
You should see this kid, man.
He looks like shit.
He's really been through the ringer.
I think Cutter's gonna be good for him.
Cutter? Isn't that the crazy dude who looks like Floyd Mayweather after you add water? He's not crazy.
He's He's just a strong flavor.
He's not crazy? He tried to sell me a dead rat once that he'd attached to a key chain.
Said it would bring me good luck in my love life.
[MUFFLED.]
You've got a lot of nerve Who's playing that shit? This is the third time this week I've had to listen to this fucking song.
Oh, it's not that bad.
"Sugar Days"? It's not that bad? - It's 77 in my book.
- Which book? "All You Need is Love" and 500 other songs to kill yourself to.
- Google it.
- I can't.
Glen next door changed his wifi password again.
- [SONG CONTINUES.]
- You're kidding me.
- Nope.
- What a paranoid asshole.
All right.
Well, we'll just crack it, you know? It's it's gonna be the name of one of his ferrets.
Unfortunately, he just got another ferret - [SONG CONTINUES.]
- so we're totally screwed.
You know, I think it's coming from Gay Jim's place.
- Who? - Gay Jim.
Across the hall? Gay Ji Oh.
His name's Gayjum.
It's Pakistani.
He's he's married to a woman.
Uh, really? Then why's he always smiling at me? I don't know.
Maybe he's gay.
[SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Yep? CUTTER: Sounds like your Ford needs a new serpentine belt.
What year is that thing? I don't know.
You know what? I'll get it looked at tomorrow.
There's a Pep Boys across the street from my office.
Tell you what.
I'll pick one up and swap it out before tomorrow night's meeting.
By the way, remind when you see me that I got your paperwork.
We want to make sure you get credit for all the meetings you about to hit.
Wait, wait, wait.
You stole my paperwork? It fell out of your pocket when I grabbed your phone.
No, no, no.
I need that paper.
It's important.
Damn right it is.
That's why it can't be in the hands of a drunkard who already lost it at his very first meeting.
- Call me if you need anything.
- No, I need that paper - [BEEP.]
- No, no, no! No! No, no, no!! So tell me why you hangin' around my door You've got a lotta nerve Thinking I would take you back Uh-huh, uh-huh I say, you've got a lotta nerve Uh-huh After hookin' up with that skank - I wanna see ya beg now - No Want makes you think I'd ever think about forgivin' your ass - Hey.
Uh - Hey.
I thought I heard someone out here.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm just making my nightly rounds Uh, neighborhood watch.
[KETTLE WHISTLES.]
- You're such a pretty boy - You want some tea? Uh, sure.
- I know exactly what you need - Okay! It's such a pity, boy Uh-huh - You won't be gettin' none from me - I see you got some new vinyl.
Yeah, I went to that little record store over on Market.
That's a good place.
Why do they have this shit? Huh? Uh, nothing.
I'm just checking out your records.
Hey, yeah Wilson Phillips Who-o-ah "Glee Season 2", "Glee Season" Eeah.
Hey, yeah Oh, my God.
Who-o-ah You've got a lotta nerve [NEEDLE SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS.]
Why'd you turn off the music? Loudermilk? LOUDERMILK: She went into Rhino Vinyl, and this is what she walked out with.
Well, maybe she bought them ironically, you know, like, to give away as gag gifts.
No, no.
That's not ironic.
Okay? She was playing Sugar Days fucking over and over again.
That's not ironic.
It explains why she's with the doctor, you know, 'cause t-they're fucking They're idiots when it comes to music.
- That's not true.
- It's absolutely true! Do y Do you listen to the music in a waiting room? You can't do surgery and also understand the intricacies of good music.
It's not It's different parts of the brain.
It's not fucking possible.
Oh, really? Okay, well, what about Dr.
Dre, uh, Dr.
John, Doctors Hall & Oates? Look, anyway, music is subjective, okay? Who's to say what's good or what's bad? Uh, me.
Like, I literally wrote the book on what's good and what's bad.
Uh, so she has shitty taste in music.
So what? It's not her fault.
Most beautiful women do, honestly Their adorable ears pick up sounds differently than you or I, so stop being an asshole and bring her her stuff back.
- How 'bout that? - No.
I can't go over there.
We need a cooling-off period.
I got to process this.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
ALLISON: [THROUGH DOOR.]
Hey! Loudermilk! Why'd you take my music? Hmm? I'm still processing.
Your sponsor has my paperwork? Why the fuck did you get a sponsor? I don't know.
It j It just happened.
I But Don't worry.
I'm gonna get it back from him at the meeting tonight.
Yeah, just just get my paperwork back and cut him loose, okay? N Oh, oh.
Hold on there, buddy.
I think I can kill two birds with one stone here, and you can get me the rest of the signatures.
How is that killing two birds? You'll be helping you and me.
But going to your Sober Friends meetings doesn't help me.
Sure, it does.
I'm gonna owe you big time.
You already owe me! That is very true, but now I'm going to owe you big time.
I'm gonna make it my mandate to help you reach the next level here.
You know this is illegal.
We can get in actual trouble for this.
The crime has already been committed, Tom-bomb.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Now it's just a matter of me showing you that you have some follow-through.
Give us a minute here, Gary.
See, I knew I should've gotten Gary to do this.
Oh, fuck Gary! Listen, if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna need more than just a promise from you to help me out.
Okay.
Tell me what you're thinking.
I want to take point on the Voluptuous Vodka account.
I want to be in that meeting myself, face to face, pitching my ideas.
I want to show Reardon what I can do.
Do we have a deal? Okay.
Okay? - Yeah.
O-Okay.
- Deal.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SNIFFS.]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[RINGTONE PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, man, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- Can I call you right back? - I'll make it quick.
There's a lunch meeting right around the corner from your office.
It's not my scene, but I think you'd dig it.
By my office? Wai How do you know where I work? You said you worked right across the street from Pep Boys, did a little detective work, and I'm walking into your office right now.
Uh, no, no.
Uh, stay right there.
Stay outside.
I'll be right there.
- Hey.
- Hey, pork-snout.
The meeting's just a couple blocks away from here.
You're gonna love it Business-type people like you.
How long is this meeting? If you don't have time for a meeting, we can go up to your office and start working the steps instead.
You can introduce me to your office friends.
No, no.
Uh, let's do this right.
Good attitude.
Whoa.
Hey, old-timer.
I see somebody got a new friend.
Yeah.
This is Lil' Pumpkin.
Well, hey there, Pumpkin.
No, it's Lil' Pumpkin.
Lil' Pumpkin.
Is that Is that "Lil'," L-I-L, or "Little" with the T's? Is there an apostrophe in [DOOR SHUTS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
What happened to you last night? Last night? Oh! Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, last night.
That was, uh It was kind of embarrassing, actually.
I-I had, uh, some stomach issues.
The Big D.
Diarrhea.
Yeah, I knew what the Big D meant, but why'd you take my records and my record player? If you wanted to borrow some music, you could've just asked.
W No, I didn't I didn't want to borrow your music.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
I felt I had to confiscate your music to just try to understand why one person would buy so many crappy records.
What are you talking about? Those are great records.
No, no, no.
"Dark Side of the Moon" is a great record, okay? "Fear Of A Black Planet," "Doolittle," "Houses Of The Holy" Great records.
And what's wrong with my records? Just calling them records is a little bit of a stretch.
Oh, really? So now you're bashing Prince? Oh, no.
Love him.
I love him.
Love Prince.
A ton of great albums None of which you own.
You bought "Come.
" "Come" is the album that he made intentionally bad to get out of his Warners deal.
You're a music snob.
No shit.
I was a critic.
That was my job, you know? I mean, find me a critic who's not a snob.
It just comes with the territory of being right.
You have one decent album in that whole box, okay, and it was Pavement, "Slanted & Enchanted.
" Well, Emerson, Lake & Palmer? They're okay.
They're all right.
They're horrible in concert.
Horrible.
You brought the triple live album.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna apologize for Emerson, Lake & Palmer.
Well, I think you just did.
Look, I'm not I don't I'm not trying to be a dick here, okay? Okay, you don't have to try, Loudermilk, 'cause it comes naturally.
Hey, what are you getting so worked up about? I We're just talking music.
You're the one getting worked up! I mean, how dare you steal my records and my record player, and then you tell me my taste sucks.
I did like that Pavement album.
That's Carl's.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Of course it is.
[CUTTER COUGHS.]
Sorry Can't smoke out here.
Relax, Deputy, it's an e-cig No smoke, just vapor.
That's a Marlboro Red.
E-cig.
Oh.
I need to get my paperwork back.
I need to get that signed.
Already took care of it, my friend.
I'd feel better if I could hold on to that.
It's my responsibility.
Take it easy.
It's in good hands.
You'll get it back once we get all the signatures.
[WOMEN LAUGHING.]
Hey, you cool flying solo? I want to check out the ladies.
You know I'm kind of into that girl-on-girl thing.
Oh.
You know what I'm talking about, right? Kind of.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you at this meeting.
Are you new to the program? Um, yeah Kind of new.
It's tough at first, but it gets easier.
You found a sponsor that you like? That I like? No.
My sponsor's mentally ill.
That's him right there smelling that woman's hair.
Yeah, it can be hard to tell what you're gonna get when you first pick 'em.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I didn't pick him.
He picked me.
Maybe you should find someone else.
You know, it's crucial to your recovery to have a sponsor that you trust and look up to.
Yeah.
Wait, really? I can do that? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Um, just be honest with him.
Tell him that you It's not a good fit for you.
He won't take it personally.
These old-timers don't.
You could have your sponsor for years, you know? It's It's got to feel right.
Right.
[GIGGLING IN BACKGROUND.]
Thank you.
No problem.
[CUTTER TALKS INDISTINCTLY.]
So, want me to be your sponsor? Oh, um no.
I'll come back tonight and pick you up for the meeting at the Immaculate.
Ah, yeah, listen, uh, Cutter, there's something I need to tell you.
Did you have a slip? No, I-I didn't have a slip.
Um I'm getting a different sponsor.
I-I met a guy at the meeting today, and we just really clicked.
You're a great guy, Cutter, I just I think we're a better fit, you know? Um is this registering? - Yeah.
- Uh, okay.
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
Just tears up my heart a little.
Oh.
No.
I-I thought you weren't supposed to take this personally.
I am a human being, Tom.
I'm not no fucking robot! I do have feelings and emotions, and I'm not ashamed of that.
Who is this guy? It's not that fella I saw you talking to by the bathroom, because I got kind of a weirdo vibe from him.
No.
No, it's not that guy.
I I met this guy while you were smelling that woman's hair.
- What's his name? - Uh Donny.
How much clean time does Donny have? Should be two years minimum.
He just got his 10-year chip.
Ooh.
Wow.
Well, that's certainly enough time.
I should probably hit the road, get myself to a meeting and go see my own sponsor.
Rejection's one of my triggers.
Uh I-I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, do what you got to do.
I-I do need to get my paperwork back from you.
All right, then.
If that's what you want.
Thank you.
Thank you, Cutter.
I-I do appreciate everything you've done for me.
Do you find it gets a little easier Each time you make it disappear? [MOANING.]
Oh, fools, the magician bends the rules - [BANGING.]
- As the cro I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try Imagine, if you were Herr Barockter Alias and nobleman, son of son of sky, and of scion Part of his rich inheritance Parceled and generous divorced sentence forthwith being Certain blocks of land and living quarters Deemed by all gentlemen and wives thereof To be grossly humane and frankly, quiet undirty I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin', and I'll try