Loudermilk (2017) s01e07 Episode Script
Father Of The Year
1 Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.
I've been in this business long enough to know that the next word that comes out of your mouth - is gonna be a lie.
- I'm calling the police.
TENNELY: On the ground, sir! Don't make me tase you! - [LAUGHTER.]
- How y'all doing? You know them? I trained those two dipshits.
I would say that when I When I think about my ex-wife, it makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong? Not cool, man.
She's dead.
I never said she was dead.
You said you ran into a tree and she died.
She came close, but she pulled through.
Would someone else like to share something, please? - Don't drink.
- Don't drink.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Hey.
Hey! - Yeah? - You got a light? - I don't smoke.
- Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad? Well at least your little pussy ears are still working.
What are you doing here? I needed to see you, Sammy.
You couldn't call? You You're kind of catching me at a weird time.
I'm dying.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying but I sorta missed you.
So, how you been? Great.
I'm great.
I'm I'm perfect.
What are you doing here? I'm on my way up to Vancouver to tag this broad, so I thought I'd drop by.
Check this out.
She sent me a tit pic.
She's a bit of a tease, though.
She only sent me one tit.
I don't need to see that.
Cute, though, huh? Huh? So what were you in the church for? Uh, you in some kind of gay men's choir? I run a support group.
Oh.
What kind of support group? It, uh Is it a gay thing? No, I'm not gay.
I was married to a woman, remember? I-I work with people who have substance-abuse issues.
Oh.
So you're still doing that.
I thought it was kind of a fad, you know, like when you did karate or went to college.
No, it's not a fad.
Just my life.
Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.
It's nice to see you sticking with something for a change.
Look, I-I've had a long day Me, too.
Come on, let's go get some grub.
I'm buying.
I know this great place to get lobster.
I hate lobster, and you know that.
- How can you hate lobster? - Because it upsets my stomach.
Oh cut that shit, lobster's one of God's great delicacies.
There isn't a person on the planet - that doesn't love lobster.
- Oh, yeah? You know what they used it for in the 1800s? - Fertilizer.
- Right.
Right.
And those are the same assholes who also had slaves.
So if you want to support that, too, well, then maybe I don't want to have dinner with you, you alt-right motherfucker.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hey, sorry I haven't seen you since your accident thing.
My accident thing? Do you mean the drunken car wreck where I almost killed my then-wife? Why, did you have another one? You got my card, though, huh? - No.
- Well, I definitely sent one.
It must've got lost or something.
The mail out of Bangkok's been a mess since the rickshaws went electric.
ANNETTE: Okay, here's your Rob Roy.
Thank you, Annette.
- Oh, man, I'll take that.
- Oh.
And your Amstel Light.
Are you kidding me? - What? - It's a light beer.
Dad, I'm sober.
I thought your problem was drugs and hard liquor? Yeah, well I-if you quit the drugs and alcohol you got to quit the beer, too.
Got it.
Bring him a glass of wine, please.
- No! No wine! - What? One glass of wine ain't gonna kill ya.
Little French kids drink wine at lunch.
I'm not a little French kid.
Wow.
If you can't have one glass of wine with your old man, then you got bigger problems than you know, buddy boy.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
Be right back.
Everything You ready to order? Yeah, two bake-stuffed lobsters, please.
No, no, no! I'm not I-I can't have lobster! I told you that.
It's hard on my stomach.
That's not the lobster.
That's the butter.
Don't blame the lobster.
The lobster did nothing! Why are you always defending the lobster?! It's like the lobster can do no wrong with you! All right, I'll have the chicken.
Okay.
He's a good kid.
He's just going through some heavy stuff.
Oh.
That's why I came back here To do what dads do.
That's sweet.
God, I wish my dad were more like you.
Well, what's the matter? He wasn't around much? I mean, it's just It's a long story.
That's okay.
Go ahead.
Tell me about it.
I want to hear your story.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hey, man, what's up? So, guess what.
My Dad's in town.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I may have told him that you were at the church.
What? Why would you do that? You know he's one of my triggers! I thought the song "Rainbow Connection" was your trigger? I've got a lot of fucking triggers! All right.
Sorry, dude.
Hey, uh, does he still think I'm gay? He thinks everybody is gay.
Look, I'm not calling you as my friend right now, okay? I'm calling you as my sponsor.
- What are you talking about? - I need your fucking help.
He put a beer in front of me, and if if it hadn't been an Amstel Light this would be a very different phone call.
Oh, what an asshole.
I really fucking wanted it, man.
It was, like, a frosted mug, just a golden amber.
Of course you did.
All right, so, how How do I - How do you deal with this? - I don't know, man.
It's different for everybody.
You know what I mean? You got to just figure out what works for you and then do that.
What works for me definitely wouldn't work for you.
I know that much.
Ben, cut the shit, all right? I need some real advice here.
Okay.
Well, just, you know, think of all the hard work you've done and the weeks and months and years and how you got a lot of people counting on you and, you know, they look up to you, don't they? You know? So just don't erase all that with one drink.
Yeah, you gotta do better than that next time.
I gotta go.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[ANNETTE CRYING.]
There, there.
Let it all out.
Daddy's here.
Mm-hmm.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where are your keys? My dad has them.
- You have a dad? - Mm-hmm.
I always thought you were one of those Russian babies who grew up in an orphanage without human contact.
Actually, pretty accurate.
Not only do I have one He's a total drunk who spends every waking second trying to bone anything with a pulse.
You say that, but you'll probably end up doing him.
Okay, everything your Dad could possibly steal has been locked away in the safe underneath my bed.
You have a safe under your bed? Nope.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go check on the chili.
[LAUGHS.]
JACK: Yeah, yeah.
Take it all, take it all! Oh, yeah, take it all Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Come on! Not here.
Sorry, but there's someone sleeping on the couch.
- Dad, please.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, kid, give me a break.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, wake up.
I need the couch.
- What? No.
- Come on.
- This is my spot.
- Well, no, it's my spot that I let you have until now.
- Get up.
- Ugh! If I get up, then I might go out and get drunk.
Well, I'll buy you the first round.
What the fuck? Man! Dude, now I got to plug this shit in somewhere else! All right, all right, all right, fine, fine, I'll sleep on the floor.
[THUMPING, ANNETTE SCREAMS IN DISTANCE.]
JACK: Oh, God! Oh, yeah! Oh, take it.
Take it all.
- [ANNETTE PANTING.]
- Take it, honey.
- Oh, yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[JACK AND ANNETTE MOANING LOUDLY.]
- Oh, yes! - [LAUGHS.]
Sounds like he really knows what he's doing in there.
Shut up.
JACK: Ahh! [GRUNTING.]
Yeah.
Oh.
Uh.
Good morning, pussycat! [GRUNTING.]
Is Annette still here? Who? The woman with the daddy issues.
No, she had to take her kids to school.
Not everybody sleeps the day away like you do, kiddo.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Holy shit, Ben Did you gain weight? Uh, no.
Actually, I lost a little bit of weight.
Uh, might be time to get a new scale, kiddo.
Hey, hope I didn't keep you up last night.
Oh, you mean with all that loud fucking? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
- She was a screamer, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, and Sammy, you'll probably want to wash your sheets.
Hey, I'm burning those.
And who is this beauty? I'm Claire.
Clear? Is that some Scientology thing? 'Cause there's definitely something evolved - about this lady.
- Okay, okay.
Give it a rest.
All right, all right.
So what are we doing today, huh? We aren't doing anythin.
Oh, come on, how often do we get to hang around, hmm? Aren't you supposed to be up in Vancouver - with the uni-boober? - [LAUGHS.]
You wouldn't talk to your dad like that, would you? My Dad's dead.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, hm.
Walked right into that one.
[LAUGHS.]
I know.
Let's go to the pool hall and hustle marks, like when you were a kid.
No, I can't, I got stuff to do.
Oh, you're like that kid in that "Cat's in the Cradle" song.
All right, that's a song about a father who ignores his kid.
Yeah, and then the kid ends up ignoring the dad.
There are no winners here.
Mm-hmm.
God, you are a whiny fuck.
Look, I'm sorry if you don't think I was the greatest dad in the world when you were a kid, - but get over it.
- Get over it? That's right, get over it.
'Cause until I get the kinks worked out in my time machine, there is nothing we can do about it.
Now come on, I want to hang around.
I know.
Take me to one of your "meetings.
" You want to go to one of my meetings? Of course I do.
But first we better stop at the liquor store I'm gonna need something strong to get through that shit.
Very funny.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Not bad.
How are you doing? Good.
Good.
Um, sooo, how's Ben doing? Uh, he's good, you know.
Being Ben.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why? I was just curious, 'cause he just seemed a little odd the last time I saw him.
Oh, yeah, he's he's kind of weird when my Dad's around.
Someone call? My ears were burning.
- Probably your syphilis.
- Oh, come on, Sam, you don't get syphilis in the ears unless she turns her head at the wrong moment.
Allison, this is Jack.
He's my father.
No, don't don't smile.
He'll try to bang you.
Jack Loudermilk, Esquire.
You're not H-He's not a lawyer.
I was telling her my name and my favorite magazin.
I figured that, being that she's a model, - she's probably been in the damn thing.
- Here we go.
Okay yeah, I-I can see the resemblance.
If only charm were genetic.
True dat.
I-I will see you guys later.
I certainly hope so.
We could talk about your dad.
Stop, please.
- What? - Stop.
2C I'll remember that.
911 I'll remember that.
[LAUGHS.]
- LOUDERMILK: Come on.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
Come on, somebody.
Who wants to talk? I-I-I'm sick of this shit.
All right? We're gonna do an exercise.
Everybody is gonna say one thing humiliating about themselves that nobody else knows.
No more of this playing-it-safe shit.
Who's gonna start? Come on.
No.
Usually I sleep with just a shirt on.
You mean no underwear? Nope.
Just a shirt.
Sometimes just my tie.
Okay.
That's a terrible start.
I think we can do a lot better than that.
Who's up? I once had to watch my son tap dancing to "Disco Duck" during a school talent show.
That was as humiliating as hell.
All right, I was fucking seven.
Okay, what about when you were 14? - You used to go upstairs - Yeah, okay, all right! I-I want to hear from some people who are actually in the group.
I fucked a chicken once.
Okay, g What? I fucked a chicken.
You mean you fucked a a chick? Can I tell my own story? Thank you.
Yeah.
Uh, my old lady kicked me out of the house.
This was back in Aberdeen.
I was sleeping in the barn.
And I was all pissed off and drunk out of my gourd and there was this chicken there.
And I, uh I picked it up, and I-I fucked it.
How is How is that even possible? Mm I-I'm not a zoologist, but I guess you got to go up in where the eggs come down, right? CLAIRE: Yeah.
I mean, that's the chicken vagina.
Or the chi-gina? ED: Well, I know it wasn't the asshole 'cause I didn't get any shit on me or anything, you know.
Hey, what came first, the chicken or the egg? I think I did.
Okay.
We're done with that.
Somebody talk about something that's happening this week.
Who wants to start? Sam, a moment? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
All right.
Just, everybody, just do your best, all right? I'll be right back.
JACK: Hey, padre.
You got your crucifix and holy water handy? This guy's got demons.
Listen.
I got some scheduling issues we need to talk about.
Yeah.
I-I know.
We We started late today.
I got my asshole father in town.
No, it's not about that.
In fact, I was gonna tell you since I gave you back the keys, I've noticed some some nice changes - in some of the guys around here.
- Oh, good.
I think they're really starting to put it together.
Mugsy is right on the verge of really getting it.
So you're saying I'm not an alcoholic? No.
I don't think so.
But I've been in rehab three times.
Pbht! Rehab is a business.
That's true.
It is big business.
So, what happened to you? Hmm? Oh, nothing.
My parents are both on the small side, but that's - Not you.
- Flapjacks.
- What? - Nothing.
What do you mean? What do you mean what do I mean? What happened to your arms? They get blown off or something? Yeah.
Yeah, they got blown off in Iraq, but they managed to reattach my hands.
Well, you know They did their best.
Oof.
- Anyway, I'd venture to guess - What the fuck? more than half of you people are not alcoholics.
What kind of shit are you talking, buddy? Let me ask a question Why do you guys like to drink? I don't know.
'Cause it makes me feel good? Yeah, that's why I drink, too.
- Really? Me, too.
- Yep.
And what was it God said in the Bible about feeling good? He said go for it! He didn't say that! What did Jesus do his last night on earth? He partied! He got his guys together, and they turned bread into wine, and then they got hammered! So God wants us to be happy.
You bet your ass he does! But society, they demonize you guys.
I mean, they couldn't ban alcohol outright Even though they sure as hell tried So they come at you guys another way.
And you wanna know why? Because rehab is big business.
And every business It's got lobbyists.
And the lobbyists for the rehab industry, they got paid to make sure that every senator and every governor voted to lower the DUI level to .
08, even though we all know that .
08 Well, you don't even get drunk until you're into the teens, right? .
08? That's mouthwash.
Tom, I want you to leave.
- Okay.
Now! - Come on, I wanna stay.
So, now drunk driving is .
08.
So when you get arrested for drunk driving you are obligated to do rehab.
Why? Because these lobbyists They got the law changed that says if you do rehab they can't fire you from your job.
So, you see what they're doing? They're feeding the dragon.
TOM: You know, it does seem that way sometimes.
I mean they never gave Dean Martin or Spuds MacKenzie - this kind of shit.
- Exactly.
And Dudley Moore's only good movie was "Arthur.
" Yeah! But how do I know if I'm not really an alcoholic? Don't listen to this idiot.
You're all alcoholics! Just do what I do.
I quit drinking for one month every year just to test the brakes.
If you can do that, you're not an alcoholic.
I've got five weeks under my belt right now.
Then you're not an alcoholic.
I've been sober for nine months.
Then you are definitely not an alcoholic.
The longest I ever been clean is five days.
Hmm.
Well, you may have a problem, chicken fucker.
Mm.
So, the bingo bitches are tak Ah! Bingo ladies Are taking Tuesdays at 8:00.
We keep Thursdays at 8:00 and move to Tuesdays at 5:00? No, your Thursdays are 5:00, and your Wednesday moves to Saturday.
Loudermilk! Cutter's choking out your dad.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- What? Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can Stop resisting! Aren't you gonna break that up? Or I'll shove my blue chip down your throat! - Stop! He's resisting! - In a sec.
He's resisting! How long was I out? Just for a couple minutes, and you deserved it.
Guys are trying to walk a tightrope, and you're grabbing the wire and shaking it.
- Hey, I was just trying to give 'em hope.
- Hope? Yeah, hope that maybe they're not as bad - as they think they are.
- Are you a fucking idiot? They're worse than they think they are! The only hope these guys have for decent lives is to accept the fact that they can never, ever drink again.
Okay, relax, relax.
I'm gonna get out of your hair.
I've got a masseuse coming over to work on my neck.
How's that "getting out of my hair"? Don't worry, you won't even know we're here.
- [MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER.]
- JACK: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? - Oh! - Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?! Oh, yes! - [SCREAMING.]
- Yeah, yeah! Ohh, yeah.
What's her hourly? I mean, how can he afford this? Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Yeah, take it all.
I thought he was just being charming when he said he was gonna give her frame damage.
Really? You found that charming? Well cute.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah! What's this? I don't know.
- Huh? - I don't know! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? - [SCREAMING.]
- Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Yeah.
[POUNDING.]
Get out here! Right now? I'm in the middle of someone.
Now! No, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
Don't Don't worry about him.
No, no, you don't have to leave.
Your neck seems fine now.
I'm gonna go.
What are you talking about? I was just getting loosened up.
Hey.
Come on, Svetlana.
Come on! We were having fun, weren't we? Oh, please! [DOOR CLOSES.]
You happy, shitballs? Look what ya did! You owe me an apology.
I owe you an apolog? For what? Look what I found hiding under the couch.
That's not mine.
Bullshit! Whose is it, then? Okay, it's mine.
But at least I hid it.
I guess I forgot how good your nose is for hard liquor.
I told you that everybody here is trying to be sober.
I think you should apologize to all of us.
Why? You never apologized to me.
Isn't that one of your steps? Apologizing to your old man? No! I apologized to the people that I wronged, - not people who wronged me.
- Fine.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get to fucking get off that easy.
All right? You just blow in and out of my life like a tornado Why can't you for once take responsibility for being so fucking irresponsible? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
I'm sorry I brought the flask.
- Happy? - No.
I'm talking about my whole life.
Oh Christ, here we go again.
When you were a kid, I was a good father.
You gave me a key to the liquor cabinet! - You asked me to! - I was twelve! Okay, so I made one mistake.
When I was in ninth grade, you disappeared for four years.
We didn't see you for four years! Hey, that was between your mother and me.
Well, what about me, huh? What about me, Dad? That's why I came back.
Sure, when I didn't need you anymore.
Look, we all had terrible childhoods, okay? I had one, my father had one, you had one, and your kid's gonna have one.
No.
No, he's not.
'Cause this fucked up Loudermilk legacy - ends right here.
- Yeah, I don't doubt that, what with your personality.
I mean, what kind of person doesn't like lobster?! - Fuck you! - No, fuck you! Why can't you just admit that the thing that's really pissing you off is that I can drink and you can't.
That's bullshit.
Bullshit? Is it? I can drink and I can go to bed and I can get up and go to work and have a normal life.
When you drink, you forget little things Stupid things Like how to go to bed how to write, how to drive.
I want you out of here by morning.
You know what? I'm gonna call my masseuse and tell her to come back.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey! - Hey.
Where are you going? I just had a blowout with my dad.
I'm gonna go check into a hotel.
At 2:00 a.
m.
? Why don't you just What, sleep on your couch? No.
Just go back and, you know, smooth things over with your dad.
Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.
- I mean, I-I would - What? I'd let you sleep on my couch, Loudermilk, but my couch is like three feet long.
Well, I don't mind sleeping on the floor.
I don't know, Sam, you know? Carl might not go for that.
Okay, couch is good.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [MOANING.]
- Oh, who's your daddy now? - You! JACK: Who? Who's your daddy? Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
- Sorry for all this.
- Take it all.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, take it all! Take it all! [WOMAN PANTING.]
I, um [SIGHS.]
I got an idea.
Oh.
- Oh, yeah! - [SIGHS.]
Do you want me to put on some music? [SIGHS.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Why not? Sure.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?! [MUSIC PLAYS.]
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy now? Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's this? Andy Shauf.
Huh.
Nice.
It's Carl's.
[KEYS THUD.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What are you still doing here? I didn't want us to end things like that.
[SIGHS.]
We're not We're not ending anything, okay? We're just I think we do better when we're apart.
Yeah, well, I just want you to know that, no matter what you think of me, I'm very proud to have you as my son.
Well, thanks.
I mean, God knows you were far from perfect, but you were good enough for me.
[SIGHING.]
Okay.
Anyway, I got a Vancouver cougar waiting up north for me, so I should hit the road.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, and, Sammy you might want to keep an eye on Ben.
- Not gay.
- No, he just seems, uh vulnerable.
Okay, sure.
Give your old man a hug.
- Travel safe.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad.
Uh, I just, you know Sorry.
Did he leave? Yep.
Well, say what you will about him, but that guy can fuck.
I've been in this business long enough to know that the next word that comes out of your mouth - is gonna be a lie.
- I'm calling the police.
TENNELY: On the ground, sir! Don't make me tase you! - [LAUGHTER.]
- How y'all doing? You know them? I trained those two dipshits.
I would say that when I When I think about my ex-wife, it makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong? Not cool, man.
She's dead.
I never said she was dead.
You said you ran into a tree and she died.
She came close, but she pulled through.
Would someone else like to share something, please? - Don't drink.
- Don't drink.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Hey.
Hey! - Yeah? - You got a light? - I don't smoke.
- Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad? Well at least your little pussy ears are still working.
What are you doing here? I needed to see you, Sammy.
You couldn't call? You You're kind of catching me at a weird time.
I'm dying.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying but I sorta missed you.
So, how you been? Great.
I'm great.
I'm I'm perfect.
What are you doing here? I'm on my way up to Vancouver to tag this broad, so I thought I'd drop by.
Check this out.
She sent me a tit pic.
She's a bit of a tease, though.
She only sent me one tit.
I don't need to see that.
Cute, though, huh? Huh? So what were you in the church for? Uh, you in some kind of gay men's choir? I run a support group.
Oh.
What kind of support group? It, uh Is it a gay thing? No, I'm not gay.
I was married to a woman, remember? I-I work with people who have substance-abuse issues.
Oh.
So you're still doing that.
I thought it was kind of a fad, you know, like when you did karate or went to college.
No, it's not a fad.
Just my life.
Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good.
It's nice to see you sticking with something for a change.
Look, I-I've had a long day Me, too.
Come on, let's go get some grub.
I'm buying.
I know this great place to get lobster.
I hate lobster, and you know that.
- How can you hate lobster? - Because it upsets my stomach.
Oh cut that shit, lobster's one of God's great delicacies.
There isn't a person on the planet - that doesn't love lobster.
- Oh, yeah? You know what they used it for in the 1800s? - Fertilizer.
- Right.
Right.
And those are the same assholes who also had slaves.
So if you want to support that, too, well, then maybe I don't want to have dinner with you, you alt-right motherfucker.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hey, sorry I haven't seen you since your accident thing.
My accident thing? Do you mean the drunken car wreck where I almost killed my then-wife? Why, did you have another one? You got my card, though, huh? - No.
- Well, I definitely sent one.
It must've got lost or something.
The mail out of Bangkok's been a mess since the rickshaws went electric.
ANNETTE: Okay, here's your Rob Roy.
Thank you, Annette.
- Oh, man, I'll take that.
- Oh.
And your Amstel Light.
Are you kidding me? - What? - It's a light beer.
Dad, I'm sober.
I thought your problem was drugs and hard liquor? Yeah, well I-if you quit the drugs and alcohol you got to quit the beer, too.
Got it.
Bring him a glass of wine, please.
- No! No wine! - What? One glass of wine ain't gonna kill ya.
Little French kids drink wine at lunch.
I'm not a little French kid.
Wow.
If you can't have one glass of wine with your old man, then you got bigger problems than you know, buddy boy.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
Be right back.
Everything You ready to order? Yeah, two bake-stuffed lobsters, please.
No, no, no! I'm not I-I can't have lobster! I told you that.
It's hard on my stomach.
That's not the lobster.
That's the butter.
Don't blame the lobster.
The lobster did nothing! Why are you always defending the lobster?! It's like the lobster can do no wrong with you! All right, I'll have the chicken.
Okay.
He's a good kid.
He's just going through some heavy stuff.
Oh.
That's why I came back here To do what dads do.
That's sweet.
God, I wish my dad were more like you.
Well, what's the matter? He wasn't around much? I mean, it's just It's a long story.
That's okay.
Go ahead.
Tell me about it.
I want to hear your story.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hey, man, what's up? So, guess what.
My Dad's in town.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I may have told him that you were at the church.
What? Why would you do that? You know he's one of my triggers! I thought the song "Rainbow Connection" was your trigger? I've got a lot of fucking triggers! All right.
Sorry, dude.
Hey, uh, does he still think I'm gay? He thinks everybody is gay.
Look, I'm not calling you as my friend right now, okay? I'm calling you as my sponsor.
- What are you talking about? - I need your fucking help.
He put a beer in front of me, and if if it hadn't been an Amstel Light this would be a very different phone call.
Oh, what an asshole.
I really fucking wanted it, man.
It was, like, a frosted mug, just a golden amber.
Of course you did.
All right, so, how How do I - How do you deal with this? - I don't know, man.
It's different for everybody.
You know what I mean? You got to just figure out what works for you and then do that.
What works for me definitely wouldn't work for you.
I know that much.
Ben, cut the shit, all right? I need some real advice here.
Okay.
Well, just, you know, think of all the hard work you've done and the weeks and months and years and how you got a lot of people counting on you and, you know, they look up to you, don't they? You know? So just don't erase all that with one drink.
Yeah, you gotta do better than that next time.
I gotta go.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[ANNETTE CRYING.]
There, there.
Let it all out.
Daddy's here.
Mm-hmm.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where are your keys? My dad has them.
- You have a dad? - Mm-hmm.
I always thought you were one of those Russian babies who grew up in an orphanage without human contact.
Actually, pretty accurate.
Not only do I have one He's a total drunk who spends every waking second trying to bone anything with a pulse.
You say that, but you'll probably end up doing him.
Okay, everything your Dad could possibly steal has been locked away in the safe underneath my bed.
You have a safe under your bed? Nope.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go check on the chili.
[LAUGHS.]
JACK: Yeah, yeah.
Take it all, take it all! Oh, yeah, take it all Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Come on! Not here.
Sorry, but there's someone sleeping on the couch.
- Dad, please.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, kid, give me a break.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, wake up.
I need the couch.
- What? No.
- Come on.
- This is my spot.
- Well, no, it's my spot that I let you have until now.
- Get up.
- Ugh! If I get up, then I might go out and get drunk.
Well, I'll buy you the first round.
What the fuck? Man! Dude, now I got to plug this shit in somewhere else! All right, all right, all right, fine, fine, I'll sleep on the floor.
[THUMPING, ANNETTE SCREAMS IN DISTANCE.]
JACK: Oh, God! Oh, yeah! Oh, take it.
Take it all.
- [ANNETTE PANTING.]
- Take it, honey.
- Oh, yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[JACK AND ANNETTE MOANING LOUDLY.]
- Oh, yes! - [LAUGHS.]
Sounds like he really knows what he's doing in there.
Shut up.
JACK: Ahh! [GRUNTING.]
Yeah.
Oh.
Uh.
Good morning, pussycat! [GRUNTING.]
Is Annette still here? Who? The woman with the daddy issues.
No, she had to take her kids to school.
Not everybody sleeps the day away like you do, kiddo.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Holy shit, Ben Did you gain weight? Uh, no.
Actually, I lost a little bit of weight.
Uh, might be time to get a new scale, kiddo.
Hey, hope I didn't keep you up last night.
Oh, you mean with all that loud fucking? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
- She was a screamer, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, and Sammy, you'll probably want to wash your sheets.
Hey, I'm burning those.
And who is this beauty? I'm Claire.
Clear? Is that some Scientology thing? 'Cause there's definitely something evolved - about this lady.
- Okay, okay.
Give it a rest.
All right, all right.
So what are we doing today, huh? We aren't doing anythin.
Oh, come on, how often do we get to hang around, hmm? Aren't you supposed to be up in Vancouver - with the uni-boober? - [LAUGHS.]
You wouldn't talk to your dad like that, would you? My Dad's dead.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, hm.
Walked right into that one.
[LAUGHS.]
I know.
Let's go to the pool hall and hustle marks, like when you were a kid.
No, I can't, I got stuff to do.
Oh, you're like that kid in that "Cat's in the Cradle" song.
All right, that's a song about a father who ignores his kid.
Yeah, and then the kid ends up ignoring the dad.
There are no winners here.
Mm-hmm.
God, you are a whiny fuck.
Look, I'm sorry if you don't think I was the greatest dad in the world when you were a kid, - but get over it.
- Get over it? That's right, get over it.
'Cause until I get the kinks worked out in my time machine, there is nothing we can do about it.
Now come on, I want to hang around.
I know.
Take me to one of your "meetings.
" You want to go to one of my meetings? Of course I do.
But first we better stop at the liquor store I'm gonna need something strong to get through that shit.
Very funny.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Not bad.
How are you doing? Good.
Good.
Um, sooo, how's Ben doing? Uh, he's good, you know.
Being Ben.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why? I was just curious, 'cause he just seemed a little odd the last time I saw him.
Oh, yeah, he's he's kind of weird when my Dad's around.
Someone call? My ears were burning.
- Probably your syphilis.
- Oh, come on, Sam, you don't get syphilis in the ears unless she turns her head at the wrong moment.
Allison, this is Jack.
He's my father.
No, don't don't smile.
He'll try to bang you.
Jack Loudermilk, Esquire.
You're not H-He's not a lawyer.
I was telling her my name and my favorite magazin.
I figured that, being that she's a model, - she's probably been in the damn thing.
- Here we go.
Okay yeah, I-I can see the resemblance.
If only charm were genetic.
True dat.
I-I will see you guys later.
I certainly hope so.
We could talk about your dad.
Stop, please.
- What? - Stop.
2C I'll remember that.
911 I'll remember that.
[LAUGHS.]
- LOUDERMILK: Come on.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
Come on, somebody.
Who wants to talk? I-I-I'm sick of this shit.
All right? We're gonna do an exercise.
Everybody is gonna say one thing humiliating about themselves that nobody else knows.
No more of this playing-it-safe shit.
Who's gonna start? Come on.
No.
Usually I sleep with just a shirt on.
You mean no underwear? Nope.
Just a shirt.
Sometimes just my tie.
Okay.
That's a terrible start.
I think we can do a lot better than that.
Who's up? I once had to watch my son tap dancing to "Disco Duck" during a school talent show.
That was as humiliating as hell.
All right, I was fucking seven.
Okay, what about when you were 14? - You used to go upstairs - Yeah, okay, all right! I-I want to hear from some people who are actually in the group.
I fucked a chicken once.
Okay, g What? I fucked a chicken.
You mean you fucked a a chick? Can I tell my own story? Thank you.
Yeah.
Uh, my old lady kicked me out of the house.
This was back in Aberdeen.
I was sleeping in the barn.
And I was all pissed off and drunk out of my gourd and there was this chicken there.
And I, uh I picked it up, and I-I fucked it.
How is How is that even possible? Mm I-I'm not a zoologist, but I guess you got to go up in where the eggs come down, right? CLAIRE: Yeah.
I mean, that's the chicken vagina.
Or the chi-gina? ED: Well, I know it wasn't the asshole 'cause I didn't get any shit on me or anything, you know.
Hey, what came first, the chicken or the egg? I think I did.
Okay.
We're done with that.
Somebody talk about something that's happening this week.
Who wants to start? Sam, a moment? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
All right.
Just, everybody, just do your best, all right? I'll be right back.
JACK: Hey, padre.
You got your crucifix and holy water handy? This guy's got demons.
Listen.
I got some scheduling issues we need to talk about.
Yeah.
I-I know.
We We started late today.
I got my asshole father in town.
No, it's not about that.
In fact, I was gonna tell you since I gave you back the keys, I've noticed some some nice changes - in some of the guys around here.
- Oh, good.
I think they're really starting to put it together.
Mugsy is right on the verge of really getting it.
So you're saying I'm not an alcoholic? No.
I don't think so.
But I've been in rehab three times.
Pbht! Rehab is a business.
That's true.
It is big business.
So, what happened to you? Hmm? Oh, nothing.
My parents are both on the small side, but that's - Not you.
- Flapjacks.
- What? - Nothing.
What do you mean? What do you mean what do I mean? What happened to your arms? They get blown off or something? Yeah.
Yeah, they got blown off in Iraq, but they managed to reattach my hands.
Well, you know They did their best.
Oof.
- Anyway, I'd venture to guess - What the fuck? more than half of you people are not alcoholics.
What kind of shit are you talking, buddy? Let me ask a question Why do you guys like to drink? I don't know.
'Cause it makes me feel good? Yeah, that's why I drink, too.
- Really? Me, too.
- Yep.
And what was it God said in the Bible about feeling good? He said go for it! He didn't say that! What did Jesus do his last night on earth? He partied! He got his guys together, and they turned bread into wine, and then they got hammered! So God wants us to be happy.
You bet your ass he does! But society, they demonize you guys.
I mean, they couldn't ban alcohol outright Even though they sure as hell tried So they come at you guys another way.
And you wanna know why? Because rehab is big business.
And every business It's got lobbyists.
And the lobbyists for the rehab industry, they got paid to make sure that every senator and every governor voted to lower the DUI level to .
08, even though we all know that .
08 Well, you don't even get drunk until you're into the teens, right? .
08? That's mouthwash.
Tom, I want you to leave.
- Okay.
Now! - Come on, I wanna stay.
So, now drunk driving is .
08.
So when you get arrested for drunk driving you are obligated to do rehab.
Why? Because these lobbyists They got the law changed that says if you do rehab they can't fire you from your job.
So, you see what they're doing? They're feeding the dragon.
TOM: You know, it does seem that way sometimes.
I mean they never gave Dean Martin or Spuds MacKenzie - this kind of shit.
- Exactly.
And Dudley Moore's only good movie was "Arthur.
" Yeah! But how do I know if I'm not really an alcoholic? Don't listen to this idiot.
You're all alcoholics! Just do what I do.
I quit drinking for one month every year just to test the brakes.
If you can do that, you're not an alcoholic.
I've got five weeks under my belt right now.
Then you're not an alcoholic.
I've been sober for nine months.
Then you are definitely not an alcoholic.
The longest I ever been clean is five days.
Hmm.
Well, you may have a problem, chicken fucker.
Mm.
So, the bingo bitches are tak Ah! Bingo ladies Are taking Tuesdays at 8:00.
We keep Thursdays at 8:00 and move to Tuesdays at 5:00? No, your Thursdays are 5:00, and your Wednesday moves to Saturday.
Loudermilk! Cutter's choking out your dad.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- What? Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can Stop resisting! Aren't you gonna break that up? Or I'll shove my blue chip down your throat! - Stop! He's resisting! - In a sec.
He's resisting! How long was I out? Just for a couple minutes, and you deserved it.
Guys are trying to walk a tightrope, and you're grabbing the wire and shaking it.
- Hey, I was just trying to give 'em hope.
- Hope? Yeah, hope that maybe they're not as bad - as they think they are.
- Are you a fucking idiot? They're worse than they think they are! The only hope these guys have for decent lives is to accept the fact that they can never, ever drink again.
Okay, relax, relax.
I'm gonna get out of your hair.
I've got a masseuse coming over to work on my neck.
How's that "getting out of my hair"? Don't worry, you won't even know we're here.
- [MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER.]
- JACK: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? - Oh! - Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?! Oh, yes! - [SCREAMING.]
- Yeah, yeah! Ohh, yeah.
What's her hourly? I mean, how can he afford this? Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Yeah, take it all.
I thought he was just being charming when he said he was gonna give her frame damage.
Really? You found that charming? Well cute.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah! What's this? I don't know.
- Huh? - I don't know! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? - [SCREAMING.]
- Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Yeah.
[POUNDING.]
Get out here! Right now? I'm in the middle of someone.
Now! No, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
Don't Don't worry about him.
No, no, you don't have to leave.
Your neck seems fine now.
I'm gonna go.
What are you talking about? I was just getting loosened up.
Hey.
Come on, Svetlana.
Come on! We were having fun, weren't we? Oh, please! [DOOR CLOSES.]
You happy, shitballs? Look what ya did! You owe me an apology.
I owe you an apolog? For what? Look what I found hiding under the couch.
That's not mine.
Bullshit! Whose is it, then? Okay, it's mine.
But at least I hid it.
I guess I forgot how good your nose is for hard liquor.
I told you that everybody here is trying to be sober.
I think you should apologize to all of us.
Why? You never apologized to me.
Isn't that one of your steps? Apologizing to your old man? No! I apologized to the people that I wronged, - not people who wronged me.
- Fine.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get to fucking get off that easy.
All right? You just blow in and out of my life like a tornado Why can't you for once take responsibility for being so fucking irresponsible? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
I'm sorry I brought the flask.
- Happy? - No.
I'm talking about my whole life.
Oh Christ, here we go again.
When you were a kid, I was a good father.
You gave me a key to the liquor cabinet! - You asked me to! - I was twelve! Okay, so I made one mistake.
When I was in ninth grade, you disappeared for four years.
We didn't see you for four years! Hey, that was between your mother and me.
Well, what about me, huh? What about me, Dad? That's why I came back.
Sure, when I didn't need you anymore.
Look, we all had terrible childhoods, okay? I had one, my father had one, you had one, and your kid's gonna have one.
No.
No, he's not.
'Cause this fucked up Loudermilk legacy - ends right here.
- Yeah, I don't doubt that, what with your personality.
I mean, what kind of person doesn't like lobster?! - Fuck you! - No, fuck you! Why can't you just admit that the thing that's really pissing you off is that I can drink and you can't.
That's bullshit.
Bullshit? Is it? I can drink and I can go to bed and I can get up and go to work and have a normal life.
When you drink, you forget little things Stupid things Like how to go to bed how to write, how to drive.
I want you out of here by morning.
You know what? I'm gonna call my masseuse and tell her to come back.
[SIGHS.]
- Hey! - Hey.
Where are you going? I just had a blowout with my dad.
I'm gonna go check into a hotel.
At 2:00 a.
m.
? Why don't you just What, sleep on your couch? No.
Just go back and, you know, smooth things over with your dad.
Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.
- I mean, I-I would - What? I'd let you sleep on my couch, Loudermilk, but my couch is like three feet long.
Well, I don't mind sleeping on the floor.
I don't know, Sam, you know? Carl might not go for that.
Okay, couch is good.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [MOANING.]
- Oh, who's your daddy now? - You! JACK: Who? Who's your daddy? Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
- Sorry for all this.
- Take it all.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, take it all! Take it all! [WOMAN PANTING.]
I, um [SIGHS.]
I got an idea.
Oh.
- Oh, yeah! - [SIGHS.]
Do you want me to put on some music? [SIGHS.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Why not? Sure.
- Oh! Oh! - Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?! [MUSIC PLAYS.]
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy now? Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's this? Andy Shauf.
Huh.
Nice.
It's Carl's.
[KEYS THUD.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What are you still doing here? I didn't want us to end things like that.
[SIGHS.]
We're not We're not ending anything, okay? We're just I think we do better when we're apart.
Yeah, well, I just want you to know that, no matter what you think of me, I'm very proud to have you as my son.
Well, thanks.
I mean, God knows you were far from perfect, but you were good enough for me.
[SIGHING.]
Okay.
Anyway, I got a Vancouver cougar waiting up north for me, so I should hit the road.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, and, Sammy you might want to keep an eye on Ben.
- Not gay.
- No, he just seems, uh vulnerable.
Okay, sure.
Give your old man a hug.
- Travel safe.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad.
Uh, I just, you know Sorry.
Did he leave? Yep.
Well, say what you will about him, but that guy can fuck.