Loudermilk (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

I Fought the Law

1 Why don't you spend the night on the couch tonight? - Really? - But only if you get back on the meetings.
Ooh, yeah, I'll get back in touch with my group.
Uh-uh.
You're coming to my meetings.
Uh, who are you again? I'm Carl.
Uh, Allison's boyfriend.
I think that guy's choking.
[CHOKING] Uh [SNAPS FINGERS] Dr.
Carl.
Hey.
[GRUNTS] - Okay.
- [GRUNTS] - [GASPS] - What happened? This guy just saved my life.
Oh, honey.
Not him.
Him.
Staying away gave me time to think about what I really need.
- Which is - A life with Carl.
- You're being sued.
- For what? For breaking my client's ribs while recklessly administering the Heimlich maneuver when it wasn't needed.
Motherfucker.
[CHICKENS CLUCKING] [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON TELEVISION] Ach! [SHUDDERS] [THUDDING] Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
- [THUDDING] - [GUN CLICKS] - [CLUCKING] - You girls keep quiet now.
It's show time, motherfuckers.
[BUZZING] [CREAKS] Ah! MAN: Are you all right down there? Fuck off! Who are you? Where are you from? Police.
SWAT team.
We got a signal someone was down here.
I repeat.
Are you okay? What fucking country are you from? U.
S.
of A.
! Drop the weapon! Drop the weapon! It's dropped.
I-It's dropped.
How long have you been down here? Um, what's the date? July 21, 2001.
No shit.
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING SOFTLY] - Uh About a year and a half, give or take.
S-So what happened? With what? Y2K, man.
The computer meltdown, the planes falling from the sky, nuclear Armageddon.
What happened? [CLUCKING CONTINUES] Nothing happened.
Nothing? Not a God damn thing.
Fuck.
[GRUNTS] Come on, sir.
I got you.
Ooh.
- You all right? You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Good.
Good.
- Oh, shit.
- What? I forgot the cancel the fucking newspaper.
Jesus Christ.
So, you were down there for a year and a half.
What did you do all that time? Uh, wasn't much to do except watch videos, drink moonshine.
That's when the boozin' really kicked in.
I guess I just lost track of time.
So, you never thought of just popping your head up to look around? Maybe watching some TV? I had an antenna, but I lost the signal.
A-As it turns out, the neighbor kid mowed my lawn for me and cut the wire.
I thought we'd been nuked.
By who? I don't fuckin' know! Maybe the Russians, the Koreans.
Them Ecuadorians.
Can't trust those sneaky bastards.
All right, look, we all started down the road to addiction somehow.
We all have different scars.
Thanks for sharing that, Ed.
I don't know how anyone's gonna follow that up, but, uh, the floor's open.
MUGSY: I think I figured out why I had my slip.
I, um I thought things would start to get better after I had a year of sobriety under my belt.
You know, the one-year chip, but, uh, after the fog lifted, I was able to look around and see just how shitty my life really is.
It took you a year to figure that out? - [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] - LOUDERMILK: Okay, this is important now.
Sobriety is not a magic pill that just makes everything hunky-dory.
Okay, it's a good thing now that you're aware of what a fuck-up you are 'cause you can work on fixing yourself rather than walking around numb, making everything worse.
Wouldn't it be cool, though, if there was a magic pill that could make everything better? Uh, there is, sort of.
I-It's called ayahuasca.
It helped my cousin Robert, uh, find his soul.
Wh-Wh-What's ayahuasca? It's this vine from South America that makes you trip your balls off and see spirits and shit.
Ah! My people have been using hallucinogenic plants as medicine for centuries now.
Ayahuasca has been known to treat all kinds of things Anxiety, addiction, uh, depression, ED, PTSD.
My cousin says it's a miracle drug.
Did you say ED? Okay, I'm sure that your cousin believes that, but these things can be dangerous, especially if you don't know what you're doing.
Uh, he knows what he's doing.
He's written three books on ayahuasca.
Hey, I'm not expert "plantiologist," but this Air Alaska that This is the sort of thing I'm looking for.
Oh, I could put you in touch with my cuz.
No, no, no, no.
That's a bad idea, Cloud.
Mugsy is trying to quit drugs and alcohol.
Turning him onto a new one is not gonna make things better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but but if you were to decide to do this, Mugsy, maybe I should come along, you know, just in case you lose your shit and try and fly out a window or something.
Thank you, Ed.
Look, you're both adults, okay? I don't think ayahuasca is the answer.
In fact, I know it's not.
Let's move on to another topic.
No, no.
I-I-I don't understand how a date got set, okay? I requested a postponement.
What? What do you mean I can only postpone three times? Nobody told me that.
That that's Draconian.
What do you So, what [SIGHS] All right, well, what happens if I don't show up? I lose? Really? All right, okay.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Fine.
Fine.
Was that jury duty? I'm getting sued by, uh, some guy for giving him the Heimlich maneuver.
Well, the law never protects the good Samaritan.
That's why you always let the guy choke.
Good for you.
Seriously, though, I cut my teeth fighting cases like that back in Montreal.
You're from Montreal? Yeah, but you kind of missed the real headline.
I'm a lawyer.
I caught that.
Well, just so you know, I can be a real pit bull when I want to be, and I just got my law license back.
Tell you what, you give me this case, - I give you friends and family rate.
- [CLATTER] Look, no offense, New Guy, but I-I don't know if I want you to be my lawyer.
Why not? Well, for starters, I don't even know your real name.
All right.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY] You're hired.
[FOLK POP MUSIC PLAYS INDISTINCTLY] Who's this? Why? Do you hate it? No, it's It's pretty good.
Oh, uh, it's the Ben Rogers Band.
You want to rip it from me? I don't know how to do that shit.
Yeah, neither do I.
You know, Claire's coming home in about a half-hour, 45 minutes.
We can just wait for Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[INDISTINCT SINGING] I'm not sitting around Just waiting for my life to start anymore No, I'm not slowing down No, I'm falling for the noise I fell Oh oh oh-oh Oh oh oh-oh Oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh Oh oh oh-oh Oh oh oh-oh Oh oh oh-oh LOUDERMILK: I listened to it front to back three times.
There's not a bad song on there.
I'm really glad you like it.
Ah.
What's with the shit-eating grin? No, it's just You know, it's the first time I've been able to turn you on to a new artist.
Usually it's the other way around, right? Yeah, how did you hear about these guys? Felix told me about them.
- What? - Mmm-hmm.
That's surprising.
His taste is spotty at best.
Wonder if that means he has it on vinyl.
Hmm, I guess we should ask.
Hey, Felix.
- Don't call him - Hold on.
Come here for a second.
I don't want to talk to the guy What? Hey, do you have that, uh, Ben Rogers Band album on vinyl? You're fucking with me, right? Nope.
Loudermilk is a big fan of the Ben Rogers Band.
He's been gushing about the album all morning.
- Haven't you? - Well, I haven't been gushing about it, but, hey, uh, yeah, I find it really refreshing.
I-I Uh, I like these guys.
They were confident.
Hmm.
You liked my album.
It's your album now 'cause you recommended it to Ben? No.
Felix is the Ben Rogers Band.
I don't know what that means.
Those are those are his guys.
You mean his friends? No.
Felix is Ben Rogers, that's his band, and you love them.
You fuckin' love them, don't you? - What? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Who the fuck picks "Ben Rogers" as a stage name? That's like a cowboy band.
I thought my real name would get made fun of.
Well, Mellencamp thought that, too, but he was wrong.
What's your real name? Felix Furbush.
Yeah, uh, "Ben Rogers," th that's a good call.
You should be happy for the guy, not jealous of his talent.
I'm not jealous of Felix, okay? Anybody can write one good album.
You got your whole life to write your first album.
Yeah, and six months to write your second.
I know.
Don Johnson.
- [KEYS RATTLE] - Don Henley.
Whatever.
One of The Beach Boys.
Eagles.
Anyway, the point is that your sophomore effort is the one that shows whether you're for real or not.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT] I heard you like my band.
Your band? - What are you talking about? - Mmm.
Oh, shit.
Don't tell me you're managing him.
No.
Felix asked me to join them for some upcoming gigs.
In what capacity? As part of the band.
Why would Felix do that? You have no musical talent.
He needs someone to play percussion.
Oh, Christ.
He-He's asking you to join the band because he wants to sleep with you.
So? W-Welcome to the world of being a woman.
Oh, okay.
All right, here.
I want to hear you try and keep a beat.
What? - Give me a good percussion line.
- [SIGHS] I'm a lazy boy Always be a lazy boy I'm a lazy boy Yes, a lazy boy Lazy in the evening boy Okay.
You realize you're supposed to hit the bowl in time to the music.
Not always.
I don't even know this song.
- [SONG STOPS] - Why do you even care? Because Felix has a good thing going, and I don't want his penis to fuck it up for him.
I thought you hated Felix.
No, I don't hate Felix.
I don't hate anybody.
I don't like him at all.
- [SCOFFS] - But it That It's not important, all right? This is a story that is older than rock 'n' roll itself.
Okay, Linda McCartney, Yoko Ono, Death Cab and the New Girl.
The music always suffers.
Are you guys talking about Zooey Deschanel? She's amazing.
Yeah, in Elf, but you gotta know your limits, and I'm just telling you your limits.
- You're an asshole.
- Fuckin' asshole.
No, I'm a critic.
[MOCKINGLY] No, I'm a critic.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] [DOOR OPENS] Fuck are you doing here? What the fuck am I doing here? We have a court case to prepare.
What do we have to prepare? I thought we were just gonna kick their ass.
Yeah, that was before I found out they have a star witness who's gonna testify against you.
What do you mean, star witness? Yeah, that's something you could've told me about during the deposition.
You never gave me a deposition.
Semantics.
Loudermilk, I need to know everything! Now get the fuck over here! Here's their magic bullet.
Okay, it's a doctor The doctor you had lunch with that day.
- He saw everything.
- You've got to be shitting me.
Dr.
Carl is testifying against me? What an asshole! All right, relax for a sec.
I went to the restaurant.
I spoke to your waitress.
She's gonna testify on your behalf.
Well, good, 'cause she saw the whole thing.
Yeah, but then again, it's doctor versus bimbo waitress.
No, no, no.
We need more witnesses.
H-Hold on a second.
Allison was there, right? Yeah, I-I don't want to bring Allison into this.
Whoa, whoa, who's Allison? My ex Uh, neighbor.
We had lunch that day.
God damn it, Loudermilk! Do you want to win this thing or not? All right, New Guy, take it down a notch.
No, I'm not gonna take it down! The other side is gonna make mincemeat out of you on the stand.
I'm your friend here.
Now tell me who the fuck is Allison! She didn't see it go down, and she's dating their star witness, Dr.
Mc-Fuck-Face.
No, no, no, no.
We need this broad.
Get me her info.
Check out this text I just got from Mugsy.
It says, "Ed and I are doing an ayahuasca ceremony tonight.
" - What? - "They've got room for one more "if anyone wants in.
"Don't tell Sourmilk.
" Smiley face.
That's you.
- [LAUGHS] - All right, well, fuck those guys.
God damn it.
Give the address.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? Yeah, I'm looking for the ayahuasca people.
Are you here for the study? No, I'm looking for my What study? Six months ago, we got the grant to study the effects of ayahuasca on several different mental and emotional disorders.
So far, we've had great results.
Two of your lab rats are recovering addicts.
- You know that right? - Yes.
Addiction is one of the disorders we're working on treating.
I want to talk to them before you get going.
[DOOR CLOSES] Who's the guy in the dress? ROBERT: That's the shaman.
LOUDERMILK: Seriously? Doesn't he work at the farmer's market? Hey, we do what we can to get by.
Let me get this straight.
You're gonna give them hallucinogenic drugs and then lock them in a room with a guy who sells organic tamales? We can't have them wandering the streets.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mugsy, Ed.
Loudermilk, holy shit.
Are you gonna trip with us? No, I'm gonna talk some sense into your heads.
Why would you do this? I got my reasons.
And for me, I-I've tried everything I can think of to feel better, and nothing works.
Look, I'm telling you, the hallucinogenic drugs are not the answer, okay? I got a friend.
He took peyote all the time.
Fried his brain.
He was the guy that lead the marketing team that changed IHOP's name to IHOb.
The fuck was he thinking? That's what I'm saying, the shit messes with your brain chemistry.
You could trigger schizophrenia.
You could trigger bipolar disorder.
Guys, come on, take the electrodes off your head.
Let's go grab a cup of coffee or something.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Sir, we're gonna need you to come out of this room.
Fine, but my friends are coming with me.
Being here is the best place for them.
At least until the drugs wear off.
[GRUNTING, VOMITING] You took it already.
Ah, yeah.
About a half-hour ago.
[SPITS] Oh, God.
I don't feel right, Loudermilk.
I don't feel right at all.
That shit you were talking about is starting to trigger.
I'm starting to feel that paranoid schizophrenic Polar Express! - What did you say to him? - Oh, my God.
You're sending him down a dark path.
Nothing.
I didn't say - [SCREAMS] - Hey.
What the Holy shit! What are you, a tree? Everything's gonna be fine.
- No! - Deep breaths.
- Happy thoughts.
- No happy thoughts.
IHOb? I want pancakes! All right.
You can still get pancakes.
They didn't take it off the menu.
You just have more choices now.
Listen, I-I-I got another buddy, okay.
He dropped acid every weekend for 10 years.
He's running a successful tech company.
A tech I'm not qualified to run a tech company! Could you please get that man out of there? I don't want burgers! I want pancakes! And I don't want technology! Someone else would run the company.
- You - Pancakes! [MUGSY LAUGHS] Flying! Holy shit! Mugsy's losing his shit in there.
- We got to help him.
- He's fine.
He's on an inward journey of self discovery.
That's not always pretty.
Shit! Everything is beautiful, man! Right? Everything is beautiful.
Things are lighting up, man.
It's like a Christmas tree on the Fourth of July! He's mixing his metaphors.
Can you Hey, Mugsy.
How you doing there, buddy? Y-You're gonna be okay, Mugs.
God? God, is that you? Because I've been trying to be a good boy.
Mugsy, it's No, it's not God.
It's Loudermilk.
[LAUGHS] Loudermilk, you are God! We're all God if we want to be, man.
[LAUGHS] Hey.
Hey, man.
Loudermilk, can you come here? 'Cause I need a hug.
You're gonna be okay, all right? You just gotta relax.
No! Because I'm a fuck-up, and I'm nothing like God! And it's never been more clear since I took this devil drug.
You're not a fuck-up.
Y-You're an alcoholic who's trying to do the right thing, all right? Just like God would do if God was an alcoholic.
You want to see a fuck-up? Look at me.
I'm a middle-aged guy who cleans floors at a bank.
Okay, shut up! Okay, it's always about you.
It's always about you.
We get it.
You lost your wife and you lost your job, and blah, blah, blah! So, stop moping, and start growing.
Growing how? Maybe if you stopped focusing on yourself for once, huh? Maybe if just once just think about some other person just just once in your life, and I promise you, things will get better because we're all part of the same thing.
And quit pretending that you're not! Here, drink this.
You need to wake up.
You look like shit.
No, I don't trust that stuff.
[SCOFFS] [SLURPS] I like to recreate the kick in the nuts I used to get from meth.
I used to do some of my best work on stimulants Till I did my worst work.
Ah, fuck, I wish I hadn't drank that.
[DOOR OPENS] What are they doing here? Oh, they just wanted to come and support us.
Where are our witnesses? Oh, right, I meant to tell you.
You know, o-our waitress, she couldn't get anybody to cover her shift, but don't worry.
Allison should be here any minute.
But God, I told you not to involve her.
BAILIFF: All rise.
The honorable Judge Jacob Reynolds presiding.
[CLEARS THROAT] Be seated, everyone.
Attorneys, please rise.
We're not looking to waste the court's time, Your Honor, so I'll make this quick.
My client sustained injuries as a result of Mr.
Loudermilk's wanton actions, and now we're simply seeking compensation for medical bills and missed work.
It's an open-and-shut case, Your Honor, and we're perfectly happy to settle.
NEW GUY: "Open-and-shut.
" You know what else would be open-and-shut? The plaintiff's oversized casket if my client hadn't been in the restaurant that day! - [ARGUING] - Order! [ARGUING STOPS] I take it this means you're not settling? Hell, no.
This whole court case is a sham and a money grab.
It's an insult to the justice system we all swore an oath to, and you know it! Now, my client, he may have a checkered past, littered with drugs, alcohol, and God knows what else, but this man is a true hero who stepped up when nobody else would.
Let's tone down the histrionics, counsel.
He'll get an opportunity to prove that.
[CALMLY] Okay, thank you for those comforting words, sir, and I'll also prove beyond a reasonable doubt that [SHOUTING] that man is an ungrateful prick for suing my client! Language, counsel! [CALMLY] Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, ungrateful penis.
Now, I'm understanding that there was a doctor in the restaurant when this happened? LAWYER: Yes, Your Honor.
Uh, in fact he's on his way into the courtroom right now.
Sorry I'm late.
I was taking a nine-volt battery of a seven-year-old boy's lower intestine.
[APPLAUSE] No, objection! I want that stricken from the record.
Overruled, but noted.
And as a trained professional, I was taking all appropriate precautions, taking my time to assess the situation.
Another five seconds, and I would've got up to do what needed to be done.
Properly.
This guy is fucking us in the ass.
The judge looks like he wants to suck him off right here in the courtroom.
I beg your pardon, counsel? I kindly ask to be given some privacy when conferring with my client, Your Honor.
[WHISPERING] We need to go scorched earth on this motherfucker or else you're gonna end up owing him six figures.
[WHISPERING] Six figures? Jesus Christ.
Look, just do what you gotta do.
You sure? 'Cause if you let me take the cuffs off, there might be some forest fires you might need to put out right after.
Fuck's sake.
Just do your thing.
I don't have any money to pay this douchebag.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
- Hey, hi.
Carl feels really bad about being here, but Yeah, well, he should.
He's an asshole.
Well, he was subpoenaed.
So [NORMAL VOICE] Your Honor, this witness has a grudge against my client, therefore his testimony is tainted.
Why would I have a grudge? Yes, I-I-I don't follow, Mr.
Goldbaum.
Well, let the record show that my client was having vigorous sex with the doctor's girlfriend! [MURMURING] You slept with him? No.
No, I-I just, uh Well, I-I-I Oh, Jesus.
I knew it.
I knew it.
That's why you've been acting so weird.
I haven't been acting weird.
- I - Excuse me! Perhaps you two could discuss this when the proceedings are over.
From what I understand, my client gave it to her real good, Your Honor.
- Multiple times every which way.
- That's not true.
- [LAUGHS] - It was good, but it was one time in coup couple of ways.
- [SCOFFS] - You know what? Screw it.
I don't need this shit.
I have patients to tend to.
You're lucky people's lives depend on these hands.
Yeah, except when they're choking in a restaurant, you fucking charlatan! Jesus Christ.
I - I swear I didn't tell him to do that.
- [DOOR CLOSES] [CALMLY] Oh, you must be that Allison everyone's talking about.
And how are you today? Un-fucking-believable.
[SCOFFS] Without Dr.
Reed's testimony, the court has no choice but to find in favor of the defendant.
- [APPLAUSE] - You're welcome.
- Yes.
- Okay, let's go.
Okay.
It's over? Who told you I was sleeping with her? Well, I warned you I was gonna turn over every stone.
Who told you? Claire may have let it slip out during her deposition.
Do you even know what a deposition is? Yeah, it's when somebody tells you shit in the kitchen.
I'm back! CISCO: I didn't know you had it in you, Loudermilk.
That chick was banging hot, dude.
First of all, do me a favor Mugsy, are you all right over there? Yeah, man.
I-I'm just I'm still seeing a weird, glowing light around everything.
But, uh, they said that was supposed to go away in a in a few weeks.
Or not.
Ed? Is that you? - Oh, yeah.
- See? One ayahuasca trip, and he's a whole new man.
No, no, no.
This suit is new.
The man inside is not.
I ended up spending the night in a jail cell.
Got to go see a judge this afternoon.
Well, trust me, Eddie, baby, that's gonna help a lot in court.
You got to be kidding.
Ed, you hired him? Why not? I'm on a roll.
We're gonna sue the fuckin' balls off that study for not properly containing him.
He could've been killed trying to have sex with that car.
ED: Don't judge.
It was one of them new curvy Mustangs.
Hey, Cloud, we're gonna take your cousin for all he's got.
We're gonna fucking destroy him! What are you working on over there? Oh, Felix said I could write some lyrics for the band.
Oh, my God.
He's letting you write lyrics now? See, this is how it starts.
And the next thing you know, you're screeching into a mic at the top of your lungs and telling Felix that he doesn't need Ringo, George, and Paul.
Oh, I don't know.
I quite like the one you read me about the little tree that didn't get enough sunshine and water.
That sounds terrible.
It's a metaphor for not getting what we need in life.
Oh! I didn't get that.
I'll give you $100 if you didn't rhyme the words "tree" and "free.
" - Fuck you! - Yep.
I'd like to see you write a song.
It's not easy.
I have written songs.
Parts of songs, anyway.
You remember Marcy Playground? Fuck, yes, I remember Marcy Playground.
I was the guy in 1995 that told John Wozniak it smelled like sex and candy in his tour van.
- Wh-What? - Yeah.
Dude, that's a great song.
- Thank you.
- Okay, you guys are gonna have to finish this convo without me because I am going to my very first band practice.
- Okay, break a leg.
- Thank you.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] You shouldn't encourage her.
Oh, come on.
She's putting herself out there, trying something new.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Hey, you got any more Marcy Playground stories? - Hey, you made it.
- Hey.
Uh, Claire, these are the boys.
- Hi.
Hey.
- Boys, this is Claire.
Um, why don't we start from the beginning of Steady and just grab the tambourine.
Come in whenever you're feeling it.
- Cool.
- Cool.
[GUITAR PLAYS] [PERCUSSION JOINS] I got street cred Gunpowder-gray eyes And a stolen purse Six pounds of state jewelry on my ankles and wrists I've renewed the old Maybe just play it a little less now that I'm singing.
- Okay.
- It's good.
I'm just looking for a place to spend the rest of my sins Before the jig is up and I can go home - And it's a hard bargain we drive - [SCREECHES] We ain't living We're just trying to survive Knocked out, loaded and left out Vanished in the air And we're steady going nowhere Well, she smiled and drew the blinds And then pulled back the covers Said "It's been nice being friends "Now can we just be lovers?" Well, it's hard being a pimp Can I cower 'neath the concrete sun? You can get a lethal injection in the Sunshine State Or an alley down on Hastings Street And it's a hard bargain we drive