Lovesick (Scrotal Recall) (2014) s03e08 Episode Script

Evie (Again)

1 [HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING] [ANGUS] Guys, help yourselves to the free mineral water.
[CHUCKLES] Well, it's not free.
I am paying through the nose for it.
- How did you - Credit card number three.
You've got to spend money to make money.
Show up in a limo, everyone sees you arrive and then people start offering you jobs.
Look, Holly's gone.
I accept that.
At the very least, I need to get a job.
Try and be the absent father my unborn child deserves.
You seem very quiet.
What's up? [SIGHS] I just feel like the big lessons have eluded me, man.
I go looking for love and end up falling for bloody Jonesy, of all people.
Now I'm gonna have to say something.
I haven't got a job yet My girl's My daughter's on the way I went clubbing till my world Was revolving, pretty women Oh, yeah.
Beautiful buildings, happy days.
Full of the party spirit.
What people really want from a college reunion is evidence their peers have fucked up their lives way worse than they have.
Someone's got fat, they're bankrupt, their good hair has vanished, and they've got gout instead.
Thank God that's not me! Oh, come on! You know it's true.
I'm the guy who's the guy that all the other guys are like, "I'm glad I'm not that guy.
" But pull up in one of these bad boys and everyone knows you are the big dog.
I'm fly, I am not an insect And I'm the life of the party Came with Ken But I left with his Barbie Babe is with me What? Where is everyone? Nobody saw us arrive! What's the point of that if no one saw us arrive? God! Back in the car.
We're going 'round the block.
[TIRES SCREECH] [EXCLAIMS] - Hey! How are you? - [WOMAN] How are you? [DYLAN] Nice to see you! - [EXCLAIMS] - [CHUCKLES] So, is it true? You guys are together? Yeah, it crept up on us Over the last seven years.
Now we're in a trial period.
- Probably for the next ten years.
- Let's see how we get on.
They are massively in love.
It's awesome.
I'm not sure we've met.
Luke Curran.
Well done, Luke.
Managed to tick off one of my personal nightmares for this evening.
That being Forgotten by someone you slept with at uni.
[GROANS] I want to say, uh [MUTTERS] - Clare? - That's a lovely name.
- But that's not my name.
- How're you doing, Bianca? See? She managed it, and we didn't even have sex.
- Actually, we did.
- [ALL LAUGH] Uh, can I borrow you? You handled that brilliantly.
With real grace.
Yeah Did you calling all your exes pave the way for you and Evie? I suppose so.
I'm wondering if it's premature for big Jonesy declarations.
I still got work to do, grinding into who I am and why I do the things I do so love to do.
You know? - No.
- I think I won't talk to Jonesy and instead do a Dylan on my old hook-ups.
Finally try and crack the puzzle that is my glorious self.
You're saying you'll avoid talking to Jonesy and kid yourself that there's a good reason? - I'm going on a journey, man.
- Just go talk to her, dude.
A psychosexual odyssey into the self.
What's that about? He's found a new way to avoid dealing with his feelings.
You can't fault him for inventiveness.
- Did you know each other in first year? - Uh, no, we met quite late, actually.
There was a lot of drama.
- From you? - [MAN] Yeah, from her.
We were in halls.
I had a ringside seat.
Yeah, I was in one slightly fiery relationship.
- Anyway, you seem really happy now.
- I am.
- I am.
- I'm gonna get a drink.
- Fiery? - You know I was young.
Money today or share options tomorrow? It's the big question of our time.
It's weird we're all so in demand because we can rock an algorithm.
My husband says "geeky is the new sexy.
" - You're married? - Last year.
He plays rugby.
His arms make me want to cry with pleasure.
We're getting our dues.
I took nine years of shit for being clever at school.
Now, those guys mow my lawn.
You hired your old bullies to do your gardening? That's a metaphor.
I wouldn't let those cunts within a mile of my wisteria.
- To maths! - A cruel mistress, but bountiful.
[CHUCKLES] How about you? Well, I I recently went all in.
- All in? - Jacked in the job.
Jacked in the marriage.
Freedom's been my watchword.
Freedom from making money? It got to the point where I was asking, "Do I make money, or is money making me?" Holy shit! You retired? Well, I'm not ruling out taking on work again.
Wow! You and Simeon are killing it.
¿El Presidente? Is he here? He cashed out of a tech startup he did the codebase for.
Arrived here in a stretch limo.
It drove onto the grass! It was awesome.
I guess Simeon pays guys like me to mow his lawn.
- So what's he doing now? - [WOMAN] You should talk to him! - Two of you together.
¡El Dreamo Teamo! - [GASPS] Yeah, I'd consider it.
I'd definitely consider it.
Hey, you [CHUCKLES] Uh [LUKE] Dylan, Dylan Dylan, how did you manage approaching your chlamydia girls? Dylan has had chlamydia since he left university.
For the record, I have never used the collective noun "chlamydia girls.
" The thing is I'm trying to engage these girls in a psychological dissection of myself, and I'm coming up against a lot of resistance here, man.
Luke! - I just bumped into Lily.
- Me, too.
I know! She said you asked her about Can I stop you there? I'm not ready to have this conversation.
We'll talk in an hour, maybe two.
It does heart rate, blood pressure, the lot.
If I die, I'll be the first person to know about it 'cause my watch will email me.
Simeon? Angus Baker! The cruncher! The Number Cruncher.
Nothing sinister.
Will you excuse us? I've gotta touch base with this guy.
- This guy.
- ¡El Presidente! [BOTH LAUGH] What is he doing? Half the girls here are having a go at him! He's doing some Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step thing, apologizing to all the women he's shagged.
What a legend! Why's he talking to Nikki? Maybe they were mates.
It was before your time? Me and Nikki have been together since school! It leads me back To where I belong Where I come from Okay.
- Having fun? - So many old faces.
What? Nothing, nothing.
Just It's funny hearing about you as this fiery, plate-throwing type.
Well, I still can get quite cross.
Okay, a lot of people seem to remember you with this guy called Adal.
Well, what about him? Greg said you guys were all about the, you know, big screaming matches and then big public shows of affection - That's not you! - Okay.
We broke up when his parents found out about us.
Muslim parents, non-Muslim girl, it wasn't gonna work.
That's it.
That's the whole story.
Ten years on, I think I'm just about coping.
- Anything else? - No.
I want it all so sweet You got the moves, you got the moves You got the moves I want to be up there.
On the wall of success.
I want the room.
The whole thing.
And I want you with me.
Are you serious? - Have you ever known me to make a joke? - No.
I need your confidence, A-bomb.
Marriage, jobs, if they're not worth it, you walk away.
[CHUCKLES] I don't just walk away, though I am bloody good at it.
I can absolutely put the work in as well.
If you want to invest, you'll need to punt in 50 grand.
[SCOFFS] £50,000? Of my own money? "Angus Baker.
Technical chief.
Big dog.
" [GASPS SOFTLY] [BOTH LAUGHING] Every night's the same All my friends are here to celebrate I don't look for love That's enough Don't want to start this party talk You look like you've seen a ghost.
I thought he was living in Australia.
- Do you want a drink? - Yes.
Yeah, let's both go.
Falling for you If you're looking for insight, I'd say that your problem might be, - I'm just speculating - Go on.
It might be you don't know how to feel.
When you and me did it, it was like even if you did have some kind of emotions going on, you did your best to present yourself as this cold, sexual killing machine who was dead inside.
It was quite off-putting.
Yeah, yeah, this is good stuff.
Um Quickly.
Quick refresher, when exactly did we do it again? It doesn't matter.
My point is that - Drink? - No.
Not yet.
- Carry on.
- Okay [LAUGHS] Simeon, look.
I'd love a job with you, but I can't invest.
[CHUCKLES] I don't have any money.
I am, in fact, completely broke.
So, if I can just be a normal employee instead of a co-owner or whatever, that would be fine.
That would be brilliant, in fact.
- That's a shame.
- I could start at the bottom? - I don't think so.
- Can I do some work experience? - I need to put something on my CV.
- Definitely not! Really? You'd happily run a company with me because of my skills, but you don't want me to work for you for free? There is no company, is there? - There's going to be - Sure Sure, "once you've got investment.
" How much are you putting in? I'm the founder.
I bring myself to the equation.
How much did you make from selling your last company? - Angus - Was there even a last company? You prick.
You're as bad as I am! - Guys! We heard about your startup.
- [WOMAN] We want in.
We want in, big-style.
There's nothing to have in on.
Simeon's full of shit and I'm full of something worse.
Like, semen? As someone trying to get pregnant, I find that offensive.
Guys, will you just listen? There is no company.
You are the ones who've actually got great lives.
You've got it all.
I'm divorced, broke, unemployed and having a child with a near-stranger who won't go out with me.
And I'm a coward.
So you win.
Me and El Presidente here, not so much.
He's worth 15 million quid.
Yeah, sure he is.
[LAUGHS] No, he is.
Are you? It's a shame you can't invest, because that's a prerequisite for co-ownership.
As for starting at the bottom, doing work experience, I was gonna say that'd be a massive waste of your talents.
But you didn't let me finish, A-Bomb.
[CHUCKLES] What? [MUSIC OVER DIALOGUE] - Jonesy! Jonesy! - Luke! Jonesy, I am confident I am falling in love with you.
I'm Adal.
Dylan Witter.
I think we had some friends in common.
Luke Curran? Eve Douglas? Uh Don't know Luke, but Evie's great.
- I knew her my first year.
- Yeah.
- So how's everything now? - Good.
Living in Australia.
Timing of this worked with a visit back.
Got a baby to show around.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And what about yourself, what do you do? Dyl, Luke's been - Hi.
- Hi.
Um - Everything good with you? - Yeah.
[STAMMERS] What's your baby called? [LAUGHS] Um Emily.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Dyl, Luke's been hit.
I think we should Sorry to No, no, no, go and do your thing.
- Nice to meet you.
- And you.
- Jonesy - Shh.
Trying to concentrate.
Jonesy Okay, I know that you're not a relationships person, per se.
Or indeed at all.
You could make an exception for me.
- You might have a concussion.
- I'm being deadly serious.
I've spoken to a lot of girls this evening - In front of their boyfriends.
- Every girl I spoke to, I just stood there, thinking, "Right now, I would rather be talking to Jonesy.
" Jesus, Luke.
I think you feel the same.
That's presumptuous of you.
It's not an attractive quality.
I understand baggage.
But whatever baggage is holding you back, we'll work through it.
I'm sorry? What baggage is this? Your whole no-relationships stance? Could that not be just what I think? What I want? - Everyone wants love.
Ask Dylan.
- Ask me what? Love.
It's a good thing, isn't it? Tell Jonesy.
- What happened? - I'm fine.
He got blindsided by the boyfriend of someone he shagged.
- The guy's gone home now.
- Are you feeling okay? I actually would prefer to be alone with Jonesy, who I have fallen in love with.
I'm feeling very open.
I think he's probably physically fine.
- As for the rest of it - We can stay and make sure Guys, seriously, we're mid-intimacy here.
Give us a call if you need us.
Luke, I am not "the one.
" I think the whole idea of one person for the rest of your life is bogus and unrealistic and a recipe for heartache or boredom and resentment.
I like my life exactly as it is.
I don't think you like your life as it is.
I think you're lonely, and you're a bit freaked out about those two.
But none of that is my problem.
Do you need me to write this down for you? I like you.
And I believe you like me, too.
You are a very good time.
If you're feeling up to it, I think we should head back to the party.
- Come on.
- I'm falling in love with you, Jonesy.
I am.
In my defense, right from the start, I did say sleeping together more than once was a bad idea.
[ANGUS] Why did it matter so much? To be envied by you.
To have it all? Confession.
I mow my own lawn.
I don't pay anyone to do it.
I can't afford a gardener yet.
I really want one, though.
Here's to your new job, Angus! Thank you, Simeon.
I'll work hard.
[SIMEON] I don't doubt it.
You'll be parking a limo on the lawn like an absolute knob within no time.
- I thought it was cool.
- It was bullshit.
I don't know why the bullshit matters to me.
Maybe it's 'cause I don't have the real stuff going on.
A girl I really like.
Stuff I can't buy.
In fairness, money buys a lot of what matters to me.
For me, it's Holly.
She matters most.
- Hi.
What are you doing out here? - Oh, my God.
What - It's nothing.
I'm fine.
I just [SNIFFLES] I just felt sad.
I didn't want to wake you up.
What are you sad about? I'm sad about Adal.
I'm sad about how much I loved him and how much it hurt.
But I'm also happy now.
I'm happy how much I love you.
It's just It's just too much.
You know? Would you have married him? Yeah.
[EXHALES] [CRIES] I don't know why I'm so upset.
It was a long time ago.
Will you come back to bed? Take me back, then.
This was unexpected.
Yeah, well, I like to mix things up.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] So do you need to It's fine.
Whatever it is, it can wait.
Dylan let me in.
So, what's going on? This is Jonesy.
Jonesy, this is Zoe.
Oh! Hey, Zoe, how are you? Nice to meet you.
- I was hoping to have a word.
- Yeah, I'm actually quite busy.
Do you want me to wait outside while you finish up? - This is going weird again, isn't it? - What do you mean "again"? Last time we slept together, you'd nearly asked someone to marry you, then you watched while I slept.
- The witch! You're the wicked witch.
- Yes, I was wearing a witch costume.
I can totally place you now.
I can absolutely place you.
What do you want, Jonesy? Okay, I'm gonna go.
Yeah, so could you just pass me my dress? Yeah.
Here you go.
Thank you.
That's You know, you're doing that thing again.
- What thing? - The thing I told to you about.
Pretending you don't have feelings.
Uh, yeah, just missing my shoes now.
- They are in the hall.
- Great.
Okay, well, good luck, guys, with whatever the fuck this is.
- Sorry, Zoe.
- Sorry.
- See you.
- Bye.
Safe home.
I think it's fairly obvious why I'm here so let's not clap on about it.
It's not obvious to me.
If you make me say stuff, I will leave.
- You just arrived! - Yeah, well I'm not making any firm decisions.
This is such a mistake.
[WHISPERS] I love you.
We were amused by the sea We laughed at the ocean Charmed life have we