M.I. High (2007) s01e09 Episode Script

Red Button Rampage

FRENCH ACCENT: Putting an end to all war is a good idea.
Making wonderful peace with the whole world is a great idea but to say that the British can do this, don't make me take a bath! It's don't make me laugh.
Although Thankfully the British have invented the Disarmer.
Oh, yes - invented by a 12 year-old boy.
Did you pay him with gobstoppers? The point is The point is if anyone launches a missile, the Disarmer will deactivate it mid-flight.
.
.
heralding a new era of world peace.
Oh! If your Disarmer works, I will eat my cat! It's hat! Oh, like now it makes sense.
An end to war because of some spotty kid's stupid invention.
Never! The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.
The old school spies have had their day and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled, undercover agent.
Hidden in a place no villain would think to look.
BELL RINGS Welcome to MI High.
- Nice Magazine? If only Ms Templeman knew.
- It's research.
The kids' top 100 rich list.
MI9 are interested in number eight.
Dylan Towser, I've read about him in science journals.
- The most amazing inventor.
- Buff and clever.
No wonder he doesn't come to St Hope's.
He's developing this for the army, a remote missile Disarmer.
If anybody launches a missile, it'll deactivate it before it lands.
That's Ryan Scarp! I've read his books about being in the SAS.
General Scarp's responsible for Towser's security.
He's intercepted a plot to kidnap him.
Intelligence indicates some time today.
We're going to protect Dylan? Cool! Well, not cool about the kidnap.
I've arranged for Towser to come here, so we can keep an eye on him.
But how do we explain why the army's at school? St Hope's isn't that big a war zone.
I've organised a cover.
I think you're going to like this one.
Ah! Doesn't it stir the blood? I have to say an army training day was an excellent idea of mine.
Pathetic! Pitiful! Lack of discipline, makes me sick! What does it make me? Kids these days want discipline, hey, Leonard? Oh, yes, Mr F, I'm sure they all ask for it for Christmas.
Well done, son, the army needs men like you - men who can chuck up and buck up.
There's too many softies in the world.
By the looks of it, most of them are running your school.
ALL LAUGH Sergeant Rayner, prepare these fine young recruits for duty.
(This bird's gonna be a walkover.
) Eyes front, you miserable piece of scum! And stand up straight before I make you all down into boot polish! I do not tolerate incompetence.
You.
Drop and give me five.
I do not tolerate whingers.
Excuse me, do you have this in, like, anything pink or floral? Drop and give you five? OK.
And I do not tolerate weakness of any kind.
- What's the betting that she's single? - 2-1.
You, you and you, insolent oiks, go help unload the truck.
On the double! Move it, move it, move it! Ah, yes, we used to do this in the Territorial Army.
Pack your kitbag in under 30 seconds.
Prepare to be amazed.
Go.
Ah, jerry can first No, er Torch, no, that's last.
- Cup of tea? - Oh, yes.
So, this is MI9 and a half? Sir, is there any chance you can sign this for me please? You know, when I was captured behind enemy lines, I used this pen to dig a tunnel to get out of there.
300 men escaped, thanks to this pen.
It'll save you from carrying a spade around.
We've received intelligence that there will be a planned kidnap attempt on Towser sometime today.
So, we've upped security on the boy within the school.
Towser's scheduled to be at a test for his Disarmer this afternoon.
A simulated missile launch to prove he's found the answer to world peace.
We must make sure he gets there safely.
Whittaker, I want you to patrol the gates - report anyone entering the school.
- Yes, Sir! - Gupta, I want you to identify any suspects who might want to kidnap Towser.
I guess it beats synchronised saluting.
Miller, I want you to befriend Towser.
Don't let him out of your sight.
Fitted with a homing beacon.
And remember, for his own safety, Towser knows nothing about the kidnap.
So, he doesn't know that we're spies? I'm sure there are other reasons you'd want to fraternise with him.
No way! You're Bored.
Sorry, "Join the army, it's great.
" I mean, you're "Dylan Towser, the eighth richest kid in the country".
"Now employed by the army for his amazing inventions.
" Yeah, I'm inventing a soldier that's got, wait for it, a personality.
Oh, a thermal spectrometer? Does it, like, keep you warm in the winter? Daisy, if you're done kissing butt, they're giving away free make-up.
Camouflage.
That stuff must be way expensive.
You should join 'em, before they blow dry their hair with bazookas.
Squad, by the left, quick march! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! So what's the range on that thing, three miles? - Four? - It's a pencil.
In the army we have "Biro" communicators.
OK, no idea what you're on about.
Come on, they drag me to this dump on the one day they're testing my Disarmer? Your Diswhatarmer? I reckon it's to keep me somewhere safe.
Which would make you some sort of bodyguard, - or a spy.
- A spy! That's funny.
I tend to laugh more on the inside.
Hey, where are you going? I've got to hand it to you, though.
- Hand what to me? - I didn't guess you were a spy for about, what, 10 seconds.
Oh, you.
I mean, I wish I was a spy because then I could zap you with some sort of anti-annoying device.
Issue those, do they? No wonder someone wants to kidnap you.
Look, I don't need protecting.
I didn't come in here to protect you, I came in here to check what Eugh.
What that smell is.
One, that's weird and two I haven't even been yet.
Quick! Someone's trying to Daisy, come in.
I've been trying too but she's not responding.
So you've lost contact with the person charged with keeping Towser safe.
I'll have that until you can prove yourself a little more worthy.
Worthy of the mighty pen! Daisy's homing beacon, it's signalling from the boy's toilets.
I'll go.
And stop.
Ha! Once a soldier, always Oh I forgot this.
Oh, well Better start the clock again.
Wait, stop! Open your boot, I'm not joking.
Blane, I'll handle this.
Don't worry, I noticed it too.
Smoke coming out your boot, mate.
Really, oh! Let me have a look.
Hm, well it seems OK.
But smoke can waft back in so dodgy carburettor, scorched gasket possibly.
Oh, mechanics - a little bit of a hobby.
Really? Sir, we've looked everywhere for Towser.
There's no sign.
I'll head back to barracks, organise a proper search team.
One that won't have to be back before bedtime.
Drive.
Aww.
Some bodyguard you are.
I am not your bodyguard.
If they knew wanted to kidnap me, why get a school kid to look after me? - Cos I'm good at my job, that's why.
- So you are a spy.
- If you hadn't swanned off we wouldn't be in trouble.
- So it's not because you messed up? You hardly made it easy for me.
I think you made messing up look very easy.
- Everything's just one big joke to you, isn't it! - DOOR OPENS Well, well, well.
If it isn't Peaceboy and Spy Wonder.
Playing nicely, I hope.
So far you've had it easy! Er, crushed hair, broken nails and blisters everywhere? Now you'll learn to work as a team.
We seem to be in a team full of really unattractive people.
I'm not that coordinated, maybe I could just read about the army in the library? Ahh, that's a good idea.
Sit in a nice, cosy library.
Read all about us.
Trouble is I want your scrawny little backside down this course so fast I'll feel the wind from it! Ha! "Feel the wind.
" Sorry.
ALL: Critchley! So apart from being a total lunatic, with a really bad uniform, why kidnap Dylan? Mr Towser here, thinks his Missile Disarmer will create peace and is a credit to the army.
But the thing is, if you create world peace, you destroy the need for an army.
Try yoga, it's meant to be calming.
Or woodwork's good.
Gah! Ha! - I take it the demonstration's off.
- On the contrary.
In an hour's time, the Minister of Security will grant me access - to a certain little red button.
- I get it, so the Disarmer and its inventor disappear, no world peace and the army's back in business.
But they won't just be back in business, they'll be cashing in big time.
HE CHUCKLES For once the little tree hugger's right.
I'm not just going to stop the simulation, I'm going to start a war.
THEY CHUCKLE Well, don't just lie there.
Move, you horrible little worm! Next up, bridge building.
This exercise requires not only physical skill but also maximum brain power.
Hey, we should be good at that.
You'll have to cross the shark infested waters and then find your way through the electric fence.
Tough either and you're out.
SHE BLOWS WHISTLE If she wanted us to build a bridge, why didn't she just give us, like, a bridge? Yeah, like, how stupid's she, like, duh? I don't understand.
No-one knew Towser was being moved to St Hope's, it was top secret.
No-one came into school, I swear.
CLAPPING Bravo, good work.
Splendid! The country's top scientist is missing and you're watching my men load sandwiches for the journey home.
I've seen some scary things, but your school dinners .
.
nasty.
- We have to check all CCTV footage.
- It's fun playing spies, isn't it? Now, while you dig out the X-ray specs, I've an investigation to run.
Hair-pins are like hankies.
You should always have one up your sleeve.
Great, phone lines are cut off.
Zero signal.
Hello? General Fruit-loop's going to start a war? It was my Disarmer he smashed.
Hurry up! And again, shuffle forward.
Well, I must have loosened it for you.
Yeah, right.
Although you're definitely doing the next bit.
Watch out for spiders! We'll never get through there.
- We need to use a plank.
- What, you? Hey! The geek is trying to speak.
Listen to him.
Put a plank in vertically.
That'll make the gap big enough to get through.
CLANKING - What's that crawling on your shoulder? - Aaaagh! Just get a move on! That's it.
Come on! Yes! Wahoo! Losers! Losers! Guards everywhere, we're stuck.
If we can get to that door we'll be sorted.
It's my office.
And you've only just realised? So this is where you built the Disarmer? Perfect.
And before you say it, no, it took months to build.
But now you know how to do it.
There's nothing like a maniac with a missile for focussing the mind.
Ah! Mess means progress, I hope.
Look, Lenny, no one came into school but we reckon Daisy was taken by somebody already here.
When Scarp said X-ray specs, he gave me an idea - the army's thermal spectrometer.
- Daisy and Towser.
- I can't believe I missed them.
It's not your fault.
But it makes sense, how do you kidnap a top army scientist? You make out that somebody else will kidnap them.
Stay here, make 'em sweat, just like our superiors when they realise I'm using real missiles.
Sorry, sir, did you say real missiles? Do you love that uniform, Sergeant? It does make my bum look big.
Well, there's some people that don't like it and they don't like the soldiers who wear it.
But sir, soldiers will die if you start a war.
They will die as heroes, Sergeant.
That's a price we pay.
Right, your final test! And just what you've been waiting for, library boy, the assault course.
Excuse me, Mr Soldier people? But my friend's collapsed, I think he's done too much marching.
PUNCHING SOUNDS CLANG! And where are you two going? We know you've taken Daisy and Towser.
He's taken Daisy? That wasn't part of the plan either.
- So you're just going to do nothing? - I have orders.
Orders from someone who claims he dug out of jail with a pen.
Good point, quick, get in.
Scarp's launching the missiles in ten minutes.
Maybe it'd be easier break into the launch console and hack into the missile programme? Yeah, that'd be easier(!) But I've only tested this thing on simulations, not real missiles.
It'll work.
It has to.
I can't move! It's so far down! Just take it one step at a time.
That was classic vertigo.
Vertigo? I thought you were a Pisces? You! You just going to lie there and do nothing? The army's about having the guts to stand up for yourself! What about standing up for others? It's a good job you're a skinny little muppet.
Whoo! We did it! Yeah! Private, take over.
There's somewhere I should be.
Hurry up and connect it, quick! Like I'm not under enough pressure.
- < At ease, soldier.
- Scarp! Ah! Still sitting pretty, I see.
I need you to sit still, after all .
.
we don't want youcrying out for your mummies, do we? Ah, General, I thought you might have - how you say in English? Piggied out? Chickened out.
I'm sure Mr Towser is ready to do Britain proud with his Disarmer? Isn't that right, Scarp? Towser slept in, as usual.
But I have the situation in hand.
Ah, well, nevertheless, if you're ready to activate the launch console? Certainly, on my count.
Three, two, one We're at some sort of an army base.
This bag must have shrunk! Hang on a second.
You, Private, stand up straight! Don't you dare look a superior officer in the eyes! Now drop and give me five! Er, 20, 30, make it 100.
I used to be in the Boy Scouts.
Permission granted to activate simulation missiles, General.
COMPUTER: Live missiles activated.
Sacre bleu! You have made it live, you stupid roast beef! That's just for starters.
COMPUTER: Missiles launched, detonation in 50 seconds.
- What's that? Attach? - Scarp, explain yourself! Missiles launched at every major city in the world and guess what? No stupid Disarmer to stop them.
COMPUTER: 40 seconds.
Attach new Disarmer to console? I'll get the Disarmer, you get to the console.
What do you mean there's no Disarmer? I crushed it.
Just like you'd crush the army with your new world peace.
You knew about this COMPUTER: 30 seconds.
I launched real missiles, I get scared in the dark Scarp! Now with a war to fight, you'll realise you need men like me.
What? - No clever comment? - COMPUTER: 20 seconds.
KLAXON BLARES I was getting a pain in the neck anyway.
Four on one, seems fair.
One and a squad of reinforcements.
Sergeant, I told you to stay at the school! Yes, sir, you did, sir.
But you can bog off, sir.
You take Scarp, I'll keep this lot busy.
PHONE RINGS Keep the pen, you can dig your way out of this one.
Hey, it's for you.
Get off me! It was a wrong number anyway.
- 10 seconds.
- Maybe we could try redirect the missiles somewhere safe.
Dylan, this thing's going to work.
You're a genius.
COMPUTER: Missiles deactivated.
You just wait, one day you'll need men like me.
And then Oh, God! What, no clever comment? Some hero he turned out to be.
I'm sure there's someone else you can find to look up to.
Someone with expertise, experience - Me! - Look at him, we just stopped a war and he's still playing games.
It's good to be laid back.
- So I'm told.
- OK, so I was concerned.
Yeah, that your brilliant invention was about to fail.
One, if you've never failed, then failure is scary.
Two, is it just me or is Daisy not like the most bossy person you've ever met? I am not bossy! Lenny, Rose, Blane, am I bossy? And very easy to wind up.
Not the best camouflage in the world.