M.O.D.O.K. (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

If Bureaucracy Be... Thy Death!

[woman crying]
And of course, the thing my husband,
the Melter, was best at melting:
the hearts of everyone who ever--
-[door bursts open]
-Excuse me. One se-- Hey. Move!
-Hey! Is this the Melter funeral?
-[guests murmuring]
Newly made best friend coming through!
Sorry. I'm-- I'm late.
Crazy morning. Had to pick up the kids.
Traffic. [groans] You know the deal.
Is this the section for the family?
Good. I wanna sit in front of them.
-Next time, save me a seat, you chodes.
-[guests gasp]
-It's okay. They're my friends.
-[widow clears throat]
As I was saying… [sniffs]
…the Melter was so loving--
-[cash register dings]
-Oh, God.
Sorry, my brain's part computer.
That happens whenever I get a Venmo.
I am not looking at your dead husband
and thinking, "Jackpot!"
[chuckles] Continue.
Um… A loving and thoughtful person who--
-[cash register dings]
-Jackpot! Sorry.
I just sold a sofa on Craigslist.
-This is huge for me.
-[phone beeping]
Please continue.
Melissa, stop looking at your phone.
You're embarrassing me!
Why couldn't you take us
straight to school?
I'm having a great time, Dad.
I can't wait for your funeral.
There's a good attitude!
My husband had big dreams.
And though they never came true:
He never defeated his archnemesis.
He never melted the Eiffel Tower.
He thought it was garish.
-His legacy does live on in his family.
-[whimpering, crying]
I'm sorry, Dad.
I didn't realize
you and the Melter were so close.
I'm crying because what if I die?
Is this literally the first time
you've contemplated your own mortality?
Yes! And I don't like it!
You know what? I do have something to add.
-Does anybody know who this guy is?
-Cry not.
The Melter's death has reminded me
that my time, too, is limited.
And if I am to avoid
a legacy as feeble as his,
I can't be distracted by corporate mergers
or my crumbling marriage.
The Melter will have a legacy
as the hapless goon who inspired me,
to get back to what matters most:
taking over the world!
I feel so alive!
[guest coughs]
Papa do preach!
Now, let us bury one of our own
in the tradition of the villains of old.
I'm sorry, what's happen--
-Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
-["Amazing Grace" playing on speakers]
-Oh… [crying]
-If you need anything, anything at all,
go to Walmart.
They've got everything.
The store is incredible.
-[cash register dings]
Walmart just paid me for saying that!
That's insane!
This Jodify Method for Life Straightening
Contentment is incredible!
I've already organized my ChapSticks,
and I'm storing my socks
in the vegetable crisper.
Oh, you've reached Level Seven!
This is your wife, right? The Jodie?
What? No. Yes. I don't know.
Get out of my way.
I just buried my best friend. I need to
harness all the good energy I'm feeling.
Monica! I just came from
the most rejuvenating funeral.
Aw, who died?
Was it your last shred of dignity?
No! And not even your weird,
overshaped eyebrows can ruin my mood.
For today is the day
I get back to my roots.
Today's the day I kill Iron Man.
I've confirmed that Tony Stark
is working from Stark Tower all day.
That gives me an eight-hour window to get
that old Black Hole Gun out of the armory
and blast the entire tower
into nothingness.
Ugh, as much as I'd love to dedicate
my day to ruining that plan,
I'm busy
with my cybernetic manatee research.
I need to finish today before all my work
"dies in manatee agony," so to speak.
Hey, Austin.
I'm gonna check the Black Hole Gun
out of the armory to kill Iron Man.
That's rad stuff, man.
The armory is part of
the Operations Department now, so--
Ah, whatever. It's gun time!
Excuse me!
Just gonna move past your body here.
I wanna let you know the great news.
We're deeply troubled
by your lab expenses!
How is that great news?
Huge electricity consumption,
Plasma of the Month Club
and a ton spent on
a manatee corpse removal service?
I'll be honest.
They don't fight very hard to live.
We're gonna need a super fun,
exhaustive report
of what you've been spending
19 hours a day, seven days a week,
developing in there.
That's gonna be
a big ol' "hell no" for me.
Check the A.I.M. org chart.
I don't report to anyone.
Uh, more great news.
The org chart has changed!
As our M.O.D.O.K. is about to learn.
Jodification Step 17:
You're gonna need way more bird feeders.
What? She never let me have
any bird feeders.
Dave. M.O.D.O.K., your god-king,
demands one Black Hole Gun right now.
Ooh, I'd love to, but first, you need
to get approval from Doris in Operations.
[chuckles] She basically runs this place.
-I wish. [laughs]
-I'm just Daphne, Doris's assistant.
The guy in the other place said
I need her to let me get the thing.
That's true, Mr. M.O.D.O.K.,
but Doris won't approve anything
until you run it by Douglas in Legal.
My hands are tied until your budget gets
rubber-stamped by Darrel in Accounting.
Accounting can't even look at
your proposal
until you pitch it
to the Senior Operations team:
Doris, Donald, Dillman,
Dlouise with a silent D
-and D-Louise with a big old loud D.
-I have to do a pitch?
And according to this memo
I just received,
your big pitch is in five minutes!
Oh, my God!
[ice rattling in glass]
Is he just gonna stand there or--
Every one of us is born missing something.
Something important.
We couldn't begin to describe
its shape or its weight.
But the hole it left behind
is always there with us.
It's a hole so deep, it cannot be filled.
Work, liquor, religion.
The hole swallows them all.
It's a black hole.
A supermassive collapse
in the fabric of our souls.
There is nothing more powerful.
So, why not use it?
Ladies and gentlemen,
let us put that black hole into a gun
and have it torment
someone else for a change.
In closing,
I am going to blast that wet bitch,
Tony Stark, into a black hole.
Black Hole Gun, won't you come?
Won't you come?
[agents cheering]
I have to go. I'm cheating on my wife.
Impressive work, M.O.D.O.K.
I'll be happy to approve your request.
Just as soon as it gets sign-off from
GRUMBL Restaurant Division,
and GROWL-MBL, the GRUMBL for dogs.
-It should take about three months.
-[groans] This isn't fair!
I wanna kill Iron Man now!
Ow! God, that burns! I wanted lemonade!
-[force field buzzes]
Oh, sorry about the force field.
I use it to keep out pests.
And total shitheads.
Dope. Just came to give you
some more great news.
I had the rock stars
in HR check your file.
Turns out, in your ten years here,
you've used none of your vacation days.
No rock star's ever done that before,
you rock star!
-And starting tomorrow,
you have to use
every single one of your vacation days.
Three whole months of fun in the sun!
[cruise director] All right, passengers,
time for everyone to fun-gregate
for lobster-ritas
and some reggae-themed improv!
[shudders] Please, no.
Aw, sorry, Monica.
This comes straight from Doris.
-Aw, this is the worst!
I guess if I skip lunch
and don't sedate the manatees,
I should be able to get
most of their skeletons out by end of day!
B-b-b-b-bonus news!
You don't get to do any of that
because all upper-level employees
have a mandatory five-hour workplace
emotional safety seminar.
"And if you have a problem with that,
you can eat my ass…"
is the kind of thing they'll teach
you not to say at the seminar.
-Hey, M.O.D.O.K.!
-Blow it out your web portal, dick.
That'll be great for the seminar!
Which you now have to go to.
So, what's your problem?
I got no gun. I got no legacy.
Before you know it,
I'll be a rotting corpse
in the woods that a bunch of kids find,
propelling them into adulthood
and cementing their friendship forever.
They're making me take a vacation!
Good God!
I would never make an employee do that.
Or let them.
Seriously, remember
how it used to be around here?
Messy. Disorganized.
Hilarious worker deaths.
Science for science's sake!
You can do this, Monica.
You're gonna get the job.
You're gonna get to work with your hero!
[deejay on radio] What a song!
We'll be right back
with more of our all-'80s Friday
in this, the year 2009!
Oh, what an interesting question.
I guess if I needed to take out
a superhero,
I'd fold dark matter ions and channel them
through a microscopic prism
to create a beam capable of destroying
even the most powerful threat
they could throw at us.
Great answer.
You're like the character House
from the show House,
which is very popular in this,
the year of our Lord 2009.
Anyway, let me be the first to say
welcome aboard, Science Drone HB86--
I just wanna say that I'm a big fan.
Wow. You said that really fast.
Now, suit up.
'Cause we're taking on
a hella sweet secret project today.
We're gonna kill an Avenger!
Yes! I got it! I got my dream job!
This is actually my office.
Not sure why I left. You leave.
You're right.
This place was better before.
We're two of the most brilliant scientists
on the planet. [scoffs]
-One of us more brilliant than the other.
We can outsmart these corporate dillholes.
Are you saying that we should
begrudgingly work together
to achieve our overlapping goals?
Yes! You'll get your gun
to kill a beloved superhero--
Thus securing my legacy.
Sure. And I won't have to take a vacation.
Team up?
Team up!
Whoa, Monica, your veins are popping!
Why aren't mine doing that?
Here, give me a minute. [straining]
Here they come.
Come on. You're embarrassing me.
All the decisions made in A.I.M.
eventually go through Doris in Operations.
If we can get to her computer unseen,
you can hack into it,
get immediate approval for your gun
and erase all my vacation days.
Vacation, all you ever didn't wanted.
But how do we get out of
that mandatory workplace training?
What if M.O.D.O.K. and Monica were there,
but we weren't?
Ha, ha! Say no more!
Uh, well, say way more.
These are silicone-based,
humanoid body doubles.
I was gonna use them
for high-level espionage
but could never quite crack it.
They could only be programmed to remember
about a hundred prerecorded words,
and after about two hours,
they start to decompose.
Still, they should be enough
to fool the morons around here.
Monica, I wasn't paying attention,
and now there are two of you?
Are you a witch?
[sighs] I've already loaded mine up
with a bunch of generic business talk.
You do the same.
I've gotta go saran wrap
some manatee genitals before they spoil.
Or maybe this is the perfect chance
to try out some of the new catchphrases
I've been working on.
-Ooh, that one's pretty good!
How do we address diversity in a company
where we're all required to wear masks?
Maybe we're already diverse?
On three,
everyone yells out what race they are.
If that makes you uncomfortable,
just say "uncomfortable."
Okay? One, two, three.
-[other agents] Uncomfortable!
Ah, M.O.D.O.K., Monica. Thank--
Yes, let's circle back on that later.
This big boy likes big, big burgers.
Now, that's a great share, M.O.D.O.K.
Paging Dr. Horny!
You really nailed it
with these frigging jiggling jelly guys.
Thanks. [chuckles]
Doris is going into a teleconference now.
It's only scheduled
to last about 30 minutes,
but we need to keep her in there
for at least two hours.
I actually had an idea for that.
[on phone] Hey, everyone.
This is Paul speaking,
over here with Michelle and Jada.
-[Michelle] Hi!
-[Jada] Hey, everybody!
[Paul] And before we begin,
I just wanna say how excited
I am about this meeting.
Hi. Good afternoon, Paul.
You're on with Doris, Head of Operations.
-And with me are Jose and Dillman.
-[both] Hi!
[Paul] Can they hear us?
I thought it said they were connected.
-Um, we can hear you. Can you hear us?
-[Paul] Hi, Doris.
Hi, Jose and Dillman.
Wonderful. So about the fourth quarter--
This is Michelle.
Yes, we can hear you. Go ahead.
Yeah, I-- Okay.
I was saying the fourth quarter was--
-Hi, Michelle. This is Jose.
-Jose, shut up.
Seems like we have a delay happening here.
-[Michelle] Hi, Jose.
-[Paul] Okay. So I think we should--
-Doris, did you just tell me to shut up?
-Uh, no, no. I was talking to Jose.
Hi! Jose here. I was supposed to shut up.
-[sighs] I think there's some kind of--
-[Paul] I think there's a delay.
Hi, Jose! Sorry Doris told you to shut up.
-I only told him that because--
-[Paul] Shut up!
Um, okay. I assume that "shut up"
was meant for Jada.
Anyways, I think
maybe the best thing to do is--
-Sorry. That "shut up" was meant for Jada.
-Shut up, Paul! Doris is talking.
Everybody, shut up!
I think we should try to reboot
the server.
Don't tell Paul to shut up, Dillman.
You shut up!
I heard you cheated on your wife.
-[crying] I did.
-I think this is--
-Shut up!
-[Paul] Shut up! Wait. Who's crying?
Hey, Doris. Hey, Paul.
Rodney here, calling in from Phoenix.
I'm also really excited about--
Wait, I think there's a delay.
-Who is Rodney?
-Michelle here.
-Just saying this is hell and I wanna die.
-[electricity buzzing]
[distorted voices]
I've done my share of torture,
but this shit is evil.
[cackles] Yeah.
We gotta get Doris's secretary, Daphne,
and the rest of her sector out of there.
[gasps] Daphne's the head
of the party planning committee.
I got it. We can have Gary pretend
today is his birthday.
Oh. Uh, well, today is my birthday,
actually. See?
Yes, Gary! Way to sell it.
Will people really show up for him?
He's Gary.
-Oh, people love me. I'm Gary!
It's the riskiest part of our plan,
but we're gonna have to roll the dice.
So it's very important to give all of your
kitchen utensils first and last names.
[sirens wailing]
Mandatory birthday in the break room!
I didn't have time to get a cake,
so I will be making birthday paste
out of Sweet'N Low and old creamers!
All right. Hack time.
Her password must be something
she looks at all day, like… "desk."
No, that's not working.
Maybe "desk1"? Nope.
-Would you hurry up?
Why? We've got plenty of time.
As long as nothing goes wrong.
Monica? M.O.D.O.K.? Are you okay?
[distorted] Donkeytastic!
All right. Seems like I should report
these employee deaths to Doris.
Come on, everyone.
Well, maybe her password's my birthday.
Why would it be-- [gasps]
Wait. Look. It's right there.
Huh, what do you know? Okay, I'm in.
[Paul] And that's when I realized
I didn't have to inherit
my father's drinking problem.
Hi, Paul. Jose here.
That is such a breakthrough.
I don't think anyone can hear me,
but it feels good to talk!
All right! The hell with this!
I'll be in my office.
Yeah, Dillman. Shut up.
This is Rodney.
[agents] Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪
-Happy birthday, dear… ♪
-[all mumble]
…Happy birthday to you ♪
This is such a special day.
How did you guys know
my favorite paste flavor was gray?
It's a Unix system. I know this.
-Doris. Two employees melted.
-Save it.
I walk in the halls, I piss in the stalls,
and I talk in my walls.
Which is what I call my office.
Hurry! They're here!
[computer beeps]
[M.O.D.O.K.] We did it!
Now let's go get that gun.
Like a whisper, we're gone.
[metal creaking]
Hold up, Monica.
Before we end our uneasy alliance,
I just wanna say
that I know we don't get along,
but just like a lot of my plans, this one
never would have worked without you.
Thanks for helping me secure my legacy.
Now let's go send Tony Stark
to rich guy hell!
Two Monicas? Again?
[distorted] Q3 revenue.
I'll take that.
You know, M.O.D.O.K.,
when Monica came to me
and told me how you single-handedly
hatched a plan to subvert company policy
and steal GRUMBL equipment,
I was like, "No way."
But now it seems like the answer might be,
tragically, "Yes way."
Monica. You dare betray me? Why?
Holy crap.
I wanted to kill an Avenger,
but you took down one of the main ones.
If-- if this were, say, a film franchise,
you would've just ruined it
by killing a huge character.
I don't even need to say his or her name.
We all know it.
Yes, peons. I, M.O.D.O.K., have killed
this incredibly essential Avenger!
-Soak it in, my babies!
-[agents cheering]
It's just better for everyone at A.I.M.
if they think M.O.D.O.K. did this.
Monica, how could you?
This was all your idea.
It's just better for everyone at A.I.M.
if they think M.O.D.O.K. did this.
What? Is that, like, a callback
to something I said before?
M.O.D.O.K., I did this because you suck.
And A.I.M. sucks because of you.
You're a bad scientist,
and if anyone remembers you,
it will only be as the piece of shit
I stepped over on my way to the top.
-We're throwing down. Like, right now.
-Bring it, bitch!
-We got us a mad scientist fight!
-[agents cheering]
[screams, grunts]
What's that little thing--
Oh, my God!
[screams] Clever ice pun.
-You still can't use your mind blast.
My dang shoulder! [grunts]
[high-pitched shouting]
[screams, squealing]
[all shrieking]
Why are they shrieking like that?
'Cause it's cool.
Ow! My dang shoulder again. [grunts]
-[electronic chime]
-[blows landing]
Kick, kick.
My choice is Robobra!
Comando-tee, I call on you!
Aw, man.
Unlikely animal friendship.
-Seems like they're not gonna…
-So, should we…
[grunts, screams]
Give up?
More like shiv up!
Oh, God! [groans]
Oh, no. I'm not done with you yet.
[gasps] All the religions are wrong.
Are you seeing this?
She is the key. Not him.
[screams, groans]
-[all cheering]
I've got great news!
I'm getting better at delivering bad news.
You're demoted.
As for you, Monica, I'm impressed.
Never before have I seen an employee
with both the brawn of a bully
and the cunning of a snitch,
which is why I'm making you our newest
Scientist Supreme!
Now, who wants birthday paste?
-[A.I.M. agent] I live for birthday paste!
[wheels rattling]
What is this?
-I've got more great news.
-Oh, God. No.
GRUMBL loved those silicone-based
humanoid body doubles.
Marketing already has a ton
of applications for these things:
celebrity look-alikes, servants,
seat-fillers for Marlins games.
We just have to figure out a way
to keep people from having sex with them.
That could be the first thing you work on.
But my manatee super-soldiers are--
Now, let's get all these distracting
weapons off your plate,
so you can spend 24-7-365 making soft,
jiggly bros for us to sell.
Or as marketing calls them, Jiggle-Os!
Remember, no one can have sex with them.
Hey, Iron Man! Come out and face me!
[coughs] I'm gonna kill you. With rocks!
I will have a legacy.
I will not be forgotten.
I'm not dead yet, Stark. I'm not dead yet!
Hey. Whoa. Come on, man.
We're trying to have a work party,
and you're out here bumming everyone out,
talking about death and stuff.
Okay, M.O.D.O.K., you seem like you're
in a really tough place right now.
Have you heard of the Jodify method?
I think it could really turn some things
around for you.
Also, someone told me you called me
a "wet bitch"?
What does that even mean?
That's what it means, ya wet bitch.
Oh, my God. You're an actual clown.
That was for you, Melter!
We did it, buddy! We did it!
Oh, sorry. Uh, was there something
you wanted to keep here?
"And I suppose A.I.M. was not
the culture fit I thought it would be.
Please consider
this my resignation, and I"--
Hey, Science Drone HB86.
Great first day.
I'm sorry I had to take credit
for your kill in front of everyone today.
That is such a 2009 thing to do,
and it is 2009, so I did it.
But that gun was badass.
Especially the rubber grip.
That's my favorite part. So easy to hold.
Glad you liked it.
In fact, I had another idea.
I think with enough time,
I could make a gun capable
of firing a mini black hole.
Make whatever you want.
I'll fund it as long as you keep
giving me dope-ass ways to murder people.
No oversight.
Oh, yeah, and I grabbed this for you.
We've seized all her tech
and found a way to keep her distracted.
Of course.
My purpose is but to serve
Hexus the Living Corporation.
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