M.O.D.O.K. (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

1
[Lou speaking Hebrew]
[groans]
[continues speaking Hebrew]
[groans]
You know what?
This just doesn't feel right.
Something is missing.
Maybe someone?
[Lou 2] Oh, I don't know. How about me?
Or should I say you?
[singing in Hebrew]
[laughs] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou.
[laughs] Lou, please.
Boys! Might we return to the prayer?
Right on, Rabbi.
-Okay. A one, two, three, four.
-[mimics cymbals]
You know, this next prayer reminds me
of my childhood from way back yesterday.
I grew up on the east side.
The east side of the house.
Wow, they are committed to that.
Oh, I walked in on the cutest thing
last night.
The Lous were practicing for their
first slow dance at today's reception.
Oh, well,
that'll be tricky without any kids coming.
-Wait, what?
-No kids are coming.
Remember?
The Lous wanted an intimate occasion?
No. They said they wanted it
to be an Entenmann's occasion.
Nothing but Entenmann's baked goods
to be served.
Oh, that actually makes more sense.
For Lou.
Wait.
No one is gonna be at this reception?
[sighs] It'll be okay.
Lou's got a healthy confidence.
Lou, healthy. That's ringing a bell.
Wait, that's not quite right.
Lou unhealthy!
That's what it was. Oh, yeah.
The rabbi warned us that the divorce
was causing deep, irreparable damage
and was manifesting in
Lou using his weirdness to push kids away.
And you're just telling me about this now?
You were there and holding flowers and--
Oh, no. Remembering now,
it was a vase shaped like you,
which is quite a compliment.
That vase was fine as hell.
If something was wrong, I would know.
[Lou]
You know it's my bar mitzvah ♪
So come, big boy
Make a man out of me ♪
And me!
We have to do something.
No one showing up to your bar mitzvah
is the kind of thing
that traumatizes a kid for life.
People said the same thing about
me walking in on my parents having sex,
but … [imitating baby] …baby is
perfectly normal, right, Mommy?
Oh, God. What have we done?
[normal voice] Okay, okay. I'll fix this.
Hurry, they're break dancing.
Sort of?
-Faster, faster! Faster! Faster!
-Please! I am so tired.
-Keep spinning us.
-Keep spinning us.
Melissa, I need your help. I--
What the hell?
I gave you $800 to buy a new camera
to film the bar mitzvah.
Yeah,
and I used it to buy a new Stark phone.
That's not Hebrew. You're just scatting.
Everyone has googly eyes.
I take it back. Money well spent.
And this filter makes
everyone look like puppets.
[shudders] Utterly macabre.
Now, come on. I need your help
to save Lou's bar mitzvah reception.
I didn't even get a reception.
After my bat mitzvah,
we just broke into our neighbor's house
while they were on vacation.
They had Showtime, Melissa.
We finally got to watch Ray Donovan.
I'd call that pretty memorable.
Every time I help you,
it ends up blowing up in my face.
[sighs] If you don't wanna do it for me,
do it for the Lous.
-Fine, what do you need?
-You're a teen. Get me teens.
Hot teens, cold teens, poutine,
teen dreams,
dream teams with Scottie Pipeen.
All types of teens. I need teens!
Okay, I get it!
I think I know where the teens are.
Right! The old pumpkin patch!
It's hayride season.
They'll all be in the corn maze,
and then it's as simple as
lighting it on fire and smokin' 'em out.
[laughs maniacally]
Yeah, that or…
Hi, I'm a big-time casting director
for a new show called That's So Torah,
and it films today.
-Really?
-Yes.
I'm looking for that "it" factor,
an almost impossibly rare star quality,
and great news, all three of you have it.
Is that girl with you? She's got it too.
Are you saying we get to be on TV?
[M.O.D.O.K. cackles]
No!
[M.O.D.O.K. groans]
I mean, no, not TV. It's HBO.
Huh. What's it about?
It's four teenage friends
who attend a bar mitz--
-It's Night Court.
-Right.
It's a bar mitzvah meets Night Court.
No! Just Night Court.
Night Court meets Night Court.
With maybe a little ALF?
No. No. Just Night Court.
-Wait, what's Night Court?
-What's Night Court?
-Dad, we don't have time.
-[apparatus whirs]
-[Night Court theme playing on TV]
-We are watching an episode.
-[music stops]
-Aw!
Okay, so you're all cast.
We shoot now. Let's go.
Uh, a real show would have auditions.
Oh, it's a real show, all right.
It's a network show.
[laughs maniacally]
-[grunts]
-Aw!
And auditions are this way.
"Lou, do you want to dance with me? Also,
your dad is as cool as a young person."
It's an absolute pass from me.
Dad, we need more bodies.
You're cast! Next!
Go ahead and waste our time, I guess.
"Lou, do you want to dance with me? Also,
your dad is as cool as a young person."
What? Say it again.
-"Lou, do you"--
-Stop!
She's the one. Everyone else go home.
Oh, my God, Melissa--
I'm serious. Go home!
-That's So Torah is happening!
-[teens grumble]
What's your name, girl?
Say it to me in lights!
-Sarah.
-Sarah.
[whispering] Dad, what are you doing?
It's not a real show!
It wasn't a real show,
but with Sarah, anything's possible!
It's not a real show?
Okay, I'm out of here.
No, Sarah, no!
Let me get you under contract!
Well, I hope you're happy, Melissa.
You cost me getting Sarah under contract.
It was gonna be a long, horrible contract.
I was gonna have rights
to any treasure she found.
I would own her bones after she died.
You just cost us all the kids!
[sighs]
Now that the intoxicating effect
of Sarah's talent is fading,
I can see this is my fault.
Not just the casting.
Lou's fragile emotional state.
I guess the divorce
has really taken a toll on him.
Yeah. He's not the only one.
Of course! Todd, the cool mailman.
He's also taking it poorly.
Why do I even bother?
Everyone is so stupid!
Melissa, you really need
to stop being so angry at the world.
You're a supervillain. You hate the world.
No, I don't. I just wanna change it.
-[cell phone vibrates]
-Y'ello?
Tell me you got kids.
The Lous are wrapping it up
after their seventh not-demanded encore.
-And now, release the doves!
-Release the doves!
-[doves cooing]
-Ah! They're bottlenecking at the elbows!
-[Lou 2] You overfed them!
-[clattering]
[Lou] Food is my love language!
[M.O.D.O.K.] What's happening? I-I can't
see. Are you letting them do magic?
-[dove squawks]
-They're doing something.
I don't know. Just hurry!
People will be there. I promise.
M.O.D.O.K. will save the day.
This I promise you. I promise you again.
There's literally no way
I will let you down.
[Jodie] Oh. God.
-Why can't we go in?
-We're waiting for your dad.
-Why?
-[sighs]
Can I have a conversation with one Lou
without you batoning it back and forth?
-We don't know what…
-…you're talking…
…about.
[Super-Adaptoid imitating car horn]
Screech! Beeps, beeps.
-Heavy load detected in driver's seat.
-Shut up!
Oh, thank God. Tell me you brought kids.
Yes!
And by "yes" I mean at one time
in their lives, they were all kids.
-Or larvae.
-Oh, yeah!
Or synthetic ingredients in a lab.
What is this?
Me saving the bar mitzvah
with the oodles and oodles of creatures
I promised you.
-Hey, we're people!
-Not to me!
[piano playing]
Oh, boy. That's not good.
Hey, put that down. Give me that! [grunts]
Hey. Do you octogenarians wanna party?
-Come on! Let us out of these restraints!
-Under no circumstances let them out.
They will sex you to death.
What do you mean
you ain't got no Sweetleg?
-Ah, screw it. I'll do it live.
-Oh, God.
I got a Mississippi tingle rising-- ♪
-Hey, you scissored me, bro!
-He did what?
[sighs]
-This is delicious.
-Oh!
Great catering, M.O.D.O.K.
That's not the catering.
That's the caterer!
Uh-oh.
All right. Well, just don't eat so much
that you won't dance later.
Party's a little terrible.
It's not all bad.
We don't have to pay the caterer.
Are the Lous having a good time at least?
I've barely seen them.
Hey there. Hey, little boys.
You like magic, huh?
Well, here's the church,
and here's the steeple.
Open the door and--
Oops, hang on. I forgot the people.
Let me start over. Here's the church.
All right. Dance the hora or something.
I'll try and get more fun people here.
Good time people.
Who do you call for a good time?
[sighs]
Hello. Yes,
I'm calling about hiring some escorts.
-["Hava Nagila" playing]
-Good ones. Ones 13-year-olds would love.
[madam on phone] Sorry, sir.
We're actually going out of business.
The escort industry has been decimated
by the invention of Jiggle-Os.
They are the Uber
to the prostitutes' yellow cab.
-[sighs] No-go on the hookers.
-I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
Aw, look at them, M.O.D.O.K.
Look at me! Integral.
[sighs] I haven't seen Lou this miserable
since he learned his outie belly button
wasn't actually a backup wiener.
Yeah,
that really sent him spiraling last year.
What are we gonna do?
What I should have done
in the first place.
Told him we were wrong
about backup wieners.
-M.O.D.O.K.
-Okay, okay.
-I'll talk to him like the rabbi said.
-[song fades]
Is this your card?
Yes. Amazing. Is this your card?
Yes. Amazing.
Hey, boys. I brought you a crumb cake.
No cake. Only crumbs.
Just the way you like it.
There's a little bit of cake in there.
I see it.
This probably isn't the turnout
you were hoping for.
I had so many cool teens in my sights,
but your sister's a real anti-netter.
Look, boys,
there'll be plenty of time for you
to have your first dance
with a lucky girl.
We didn't wanna dance
with some lucky girl.
Lucky girls win lotteries,
and greed destroys everyone around them.
I-I don't understand.
This was our big day.
You've been talking to everybody but us.
All we wanted was to dance with you.
[laughs]
-With me?
-No, with Dad.
I only carried you in my body,
you ungrateful little shit.
You wanna dance with me?
Today is about us becoming men.
And you're the man we admire most.
Will you dance me into manhood?
And me! I want manhood too.
Boys, I'm not gonna dance with you…
without some proper dang mood lighting!
["New Cydonia (Alternate Version)"
by Starcadian playing]
I'm student class president,
Teen Vogue's Figure Skater To Watch,
and I never got caught
for hitting that guy with my car.
But does Dad even notice?
Wow. You are such a bummer.
Hey! Congrats on that triple axel!
I get a real pleasure
out of watching you skate.
What? Are you one of those ice pervs?
-You stalking me?
-No! I wouldn't stalk a fly.
Though I did get arrested for stalking
the Wasp. And She-Hulk. And She-Thing.
But that's basically it. [grunts]
There was Storm too. [grunts]
Your father showed us videos
of you skating at the bar!
My dad showed videos of me?
Yeah. All the time.
He's right. You're a really great skater
and a very violent drunk.
[grunts]
[song continues]
Huh.
-[Lou 2 hums]
-[Lou laughs]
So I know
the last few months haven't been easy…
[strains] Neither is this!
…especially the divorce.
And I'm worried you're hurting, Lou.
-But pushing people away, it won't make--
-Ah! She came!
-Oh, hey, Carmilla! Hey!
-Hey!
Hey, Dad. Maybe we could
finish this dance later. Okay?
Sure. Go see your friend?
-You gotta try the Sunday bar.
-Oh. I don't really like ice cream.
No, no, no. It's just an empty bar
where you plan your perfect Sunday.
Mine's an outdoor shower,
The New York Times
Arts and Leisure section,
followed by some aggressive antiquing.
[chuckles] You guys are so weird.
So, should we finish this dance?
Where exactly do we stand?
Well, I recently watched you have sex
with a robot, like, a lot of times.
And you were jealous?
I also saw you sneak-eat loose cold cuts
from under the mattress during said sex.
Then you were jealous?
No. Look, I'm not ready to go back
to the way things were. Okay?
Yeah, me neither. Keep things chill as is.
Except maybe go back
to exactly how things were.
Is that really what you want?
No, because, clearly, you weren't happy.
Look, M.O.D.O.K.,
the dinner the other night--
Outside of being covered in robot guts,
it was pretty pleasant.
So, maybe more of those?
I'd like that.
And cold cut sex.
But family dinner's also solid.
[Ciegrimite laughs]
-We're free!
-Oh, no. What happened?
They told me they'd compliment me
if I freed them.
You're, uh, okay to be around.
-And your body…
-[gasps] Yes?
…is of a certain shape?
Ugh. Yeah, I think I screwed up here.
-Oh!
-[indistinct, laughs]
Everyone, run! These things will
MTV's The Grind you to death.
Bread ain't the only thing
we can make challah!
[gasps]
[Young M.O.D.O.K. cackles]
Wondering how I'm alive
after you thought you saw me die?
[together] Robot.
Lucky guess.
Time to finish what I started.
-Let's get him!
-[clamoring]
You may have thought you defeated me,
but I'm more powerful
than you ever realized!
[Armadillo grunts]
All these months, all my manipulations.
They've all been leading
to this exact moment.
[grunts]
Dad! No!
[grunts]
[cackles]
[grunts]
-[Melissa] Oh, no! Dad!
-Get behind me, kids.
[Melissa] Lous, watch out!
[strains]
[grunts]
[screams]
Oh, my God.
No!
[groans, coughs]
[coughs] Please. I'm not the enemy.
It's about our future.
Yeah, yeah. I failed us,
and you came here to get revenge on me.
No! I came here
to give you what you always wanted.
I came to give you the world.
I can show you what that looks like.
-Why should I trust you?
-We're the same person.
Look at me and tell me I'm lying.
[gasps] My honest face.
Okay, show me. But don't try anything.
-I won't.
-I would.
-Well, I'm telling you I won't.
-Well, I wanna believe you.
Then believe me.
Would it help if I promised?
-A little.
-I promise.
-Wait. Did you just wink?
-No.
-Wait. Did I just wink?
-I don't think so.
Maybe you didn't see me wink
because you were winking?
Or maybe you didn't see me not wink
because you were winking.
-Should we both wink on the count of five?
-No.
Yeah. Let's just get out of here.
[Young M.O.D.O.K.]
We met previously in an alternate timeline
where you traveled back to a concert
with your wife.
No. Don't remember that,
and I remember everything.
The bad guys in Space Jam are
the Monstars! Boom!
You don't remember because it was erased.
[screams]
But I was not.
Because of these crystals in my head,
I became unstuck in time.
[groans]
[Tyler screaming]
[Young M.O.D.O.K.] A remnant
from a timeline that never happened.
You are but one of the many I will crush
along my path to self-assured greatness.
For the future is M.O.D.O.K.!
No longer M.O.D.O.K.,
I became the Anomaly.
Please call me that from here on.
It's how I've been signing checks.
Is the shop officially closed on that?
Oh, you can do better?
Uh, Timey McJumper,
Doesn't-Need-No-Watch-Guy…
[mumbling] …Dude.
Oh, that last one sounded promising.
Couldn't make it out
with all the mumbling. What was it?
The Anomaly's fine.
Anyway. The crystals sent me spiraling,
not only through time but space as well,
into alternate futures. Our futures.
Where I witnessed
every single one of them.
Each ending in failure.
[grunts]
Hawkeye gets me?
Well, at least it can't get any worse.
Oh, it does.
[Turkey Man gobbles]
[gasps] Turkey Man!
-[groans] Okay. Now it can't get any--
-Wait for it.
[groans]
Get comfortable. This toilet death series
goes on for a hot minute.
[retching, grunting, groaning]
Make it stop!
[child M.O.D.O.K. sobs]
Oh, here we go.
[sobbing]
They broke my invention.
They-- They called me "Big-head."
[M.O.D.O.K.'s mother] One day, that big,
beautiful, womb-wrecking head of yours
is going to dream up fantastic things,
and you're going to change the world.
…and you're going to change the world.
…change the world.
…the world.
All these years,
experimenting on myself, building A.I.M.,
trying to conquer the world
and make a better future,
only to be undone
by choking on toilet lasagna.
Technically, you only choked a few times.
Other times, your heart exploded,
you died of constipation,
and one time you drowned in the bowl,
which was really impressive.
Why? Why show me
that my entire lifetime is meaningless?
Why show me that my dreams are a joke?
Because you needed to appreciate it.
The one possible future out of a million
where you succeed.
I-- I did this?
I mean, I do this? How?
When I first learned you had a family,
I thought they were a weakness.
Something preventing us
from achieving greatness.
But after traveling through time,
I learned I was wrong.
Your love for your family is
what makes all of this possible.
No! I wanna see it all! I'm not…
[grunts]
…ready to leave this place.
-Your family is the key.
-How?
They make it all possible by dying.
-No!
-Yes!
Their deaths break you.
The grief and trauma fuels you.
Gives you the edge to beat the Avengers.
To conquer the entire world.
To become the Emperor M.O.D.O.K.
you've always dreamed of.
It's their final gift.
Absolutely not. I'll find another way.
Th-Th-The new organization
that I started with Monica.
Never leaves the strip mall.
Have you gone through
all of the permutations?
What if I work longer hours,
eat better, start wearing chinos?
Ooh. I would love to get you into
a nice pair of chinos,
but it wouldn't change a thing.
I've seen every possibility.
No. I'll find a way.
I mean, I beat you, didn't I?
Yes. In a glorious metaphor,
you defeated yourself.
It has to be this way.
Now let me be
what the world has labeled us. A villain.
Let me do this
so that you can finally achieve
your destiny.
I can't.
[M.O.D.O.K.'s mother, echoing]
…and you're going to change the world.
I can't do that.
I know. But I can.
That's why I'm here.
[fireworks bang, sputter, whistle]
Quite the big day, sir.
They're unveiling the statue
depicting the other statue being made
to commemorate
the even bigger statue of you
at the center of the city.
While you're away,
we'll have your Iron Throne cleaned.
But not before I get a big old sniffer
of me lord's heavenly hind smell.
[sniffs]
Fire up the machine.
He can't take any more. It'll kill him.
Fire it up.
-[beeps]
-[machine whirring]
[screaming]
For the millionth time, it won't work.
You can't have it all.
Yes, I can.
I'm very special.
[groaning]
Spoiler alert: I plan to release doves
during my Torah reading.
Magic? Lou, why can't you just pick
a normal teenage boy theme?
Like sports or tugboats?
I hate my life!
Oh, Melissa.
No! No!
[groaning]
He's dead. And without the crystals,
there's no way to go back in time.
I will find a way.
I will save my family and bring them here.
M.O.D.O.K. will have it all!