Mad About You s01e10 Episode Script

Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you You guys sounded very good.
Larry-- Oh, my God! This city is an obstacle course.
They're tearing up 34th Street.
Fran got steam in her face.
It wasn't so bad.
Sort ofan industrial strength facial.
- Am I expecting you guys? - We're going to Piccolini's.
- You wanna join us? - Fella in my office ate there.
Said it was fantastic.
They already ordered in Chinese food.
- No, actually, we didn't.
- Then why do you have chopsticks? Because-- Why? 'Cause none of your business, that's why.
- So come with us.
-Jamie's not even home yet.
- We'll wait.
- Sadly, we have plans.
Really? Where you going? - She told me, but I forgot.
- I do that.
I'm so glad you're here.
We do not wanna be late for our plans.
- Our plans.
- Yes.
It's tonight? Why aren't you dressed? You gotta get dressed up? Where you going? To that black-tie benefit at the aquarium.
That's what it is.
I don't know what I was thinking.
It's a big, big benefit for the fish.
It's like the biggest fish benefit of the year.
Really? Why do fish need money? You gotta feed them, and you have to heat those huge tanks.
Right.
And the castles that they swim through-- very expensive.
Actually, they're renovating the aquatic mammal exhibit in the penguin habitat.
You know, I love the aquarium.
They have a 65-year-old lobster there.
Lefty.
Yeah, Lefty the lobster.
Tonight's his big night.
It seems like a lot offuss forjust a lobster.
You know what? He's retiring, actually.
And he doesn't want to.
That's the sad thing.
He does not want to retire, but the public demands new blood-- fresh blood.
The thing is, there are so many good causes, the fish often get overlooked.
Honey, shake, why don't you? We gotta be there at 8:00.
- We'll see you.
- We don't wanna keep you.
- I wish you could come.
- We're not dressed for fish.
- I feel terrible.
- For what? You go and have a good time.
Say hi to Lefty, all right? - We will.
Bye.
- Bye-bye.
You're so good it scares me.
Literally, I'm scared.
''Penguin habitat''? Wow.
Do you wanna tell me why I just lied to our closest friends? They wanted to take us to dinner.
The bastards.
I'm just so not in a Fran-and-Mark mood.
What do you have against Fran and Mark? Nothing.
I love them.
I love Fran and Mark.
I just don't need to socialize when I come home, you know? I come home, I wanna be alone, just you and me.
Sometimes just me, frankly.
Have a good time.
I think I'll go with Fran and Mark.
No, you can't, because I have a very wonderful evening all planned for us.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
You, me, pizza.
Wow, you must've been planning that all week.
Uh-huh.
This is gonna be great, because you can put various items on the pizza.
Anything you want.
You can choose the items on the pizza.
- How about pineapple? - Pineapple's not good.
- They have it.
- Anybody who orders it gets laughed at.
- Why do you even ask me? - Half mushroom, half pepperoni? - Fine.
- All right.
See, this is good.
- You, me and pizza.
That's all I need.
- I need more.
How about a small salad? Great, great.
It's late, it's cold, and it's wrong.
Oh, good.
Pineapple.
I hate my life so much.
- Don't worry.
You can pick it off.
- You can't.
The pineapplejuice is all baked in there now.
What kind ofsick, twisted person puts pineapple on pizza? The people in 1 1 -C.
Yeah, well-- What are you doing? I'm gonna exchange it with 1 1 -C.
They probably have ours.
Aren't you happy? - Neighbors are nothing but trouble.
- We're doing a good deed.
Yeah, okay.
- I don't want it.
- Either do I.
- You take it.
- I'm holding the pizza.
- Pizza holder holds the knocker.
- Take it! Oh, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
We have each other's pizza pies.
I think so.
We're in 1 1 -D.
I'm Jamie Buchman.
This is my husband, Paul.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hal Conway.
A pleasure.
Maggie, it's our neighbors, the Buchmans from 1 1 -D.
Oh, hello.
You're 1 1 -D, aren't you? I thinkyour bedroom's right next door to our kitchen.
We hearyou through the walls sometimes.
- Oh, my God.
- That's her.
It's quite all right.
I think 1 1 -G hears us.
so you guys go crazy.
- Are you from London? - No, Cambridge, actually.
Hal's teaching at Columbia this year.
Diplomacy.
That must be a tough subject to teach, huh? Especially in New York.
I wanted to exchange the pizzas but Hal was afraid it might start some sort of ugly hallway incident.
Stranger things have happened.
The Peloponnesian Wars were started by a misunderstanding over a crate offigs.
Really? No, I'm joking.
Actually, there were extremely complex geopolitical forces at work.
- The Spartans-- - Darling, I'm sure they've got better things to do than listen to you chattering on about the Greeks.
- No, it's fascinating.
-J ust give them their pizza, okay? - It's been lovely to meet you.
- You too.
We've heard so many horror stories about New Yorkers.
It's nice to know you're not raving loons.
Oh, look.
Who's this? Oh, this is a very spoiled, bad dog, Sophie.
What is she, sort ofa scruffy little Scottie-mutt thing? No, she's a cairn terrier show dog.
A show dog.
What does she do, strip? Enjoyyour pizza.
I hope we'll see you again soon.
That would be super.
I just think it would be nice to have friends in the building.
Trust me on this.
You only want to talk to neighbors ifthere's a problem.
You know, iftheir stereo is too loud or something or ifthey steal your newspaper or ifa body they have buried starts to stink up your closet.
You know, then.
Otherwise, just live and let live.
When I was a kid, neighbors were like family.
That's Connecticut.
That's very different.
Your parents never talked to their neighbors? No, never to them.
Only about them behind their back.
- How nice.
- Can we get more pillows? I'd like to do this longer.
I n our neighborhood, we all had so much fun together.
You know, the Ruperts, the Slaters.
Billy Slater and I used to mow all the neighbors' lawns.
This is a very wonderfully amusing childhood anecdote you have there.
You better not fall asleep, 'cause you're doing me next.
I will, I will.
- Good ow or bad ow? - Good.
All I'm saying is, I think it would be healthy for us to have new people in our lives.
- It's after midnight.
- It's probably Fran and Mark.
They wanna take us to breakfast.
Don'tjust open the door.
It could be a burglar.
Honey, burglars don't ring the bell.
I n Connecticut they do.
Look through the peephole.
Look through the peephole.
Oh, my God.
Put that down.
Hal, are you okay? - I'm dying.
- Come in, come in.
I'm afraid Maggie and I seem to be a bit poisoned.
Oh, my God.
Is she all right? Actually, she's doubled over the toilet retching, but she sends her best.
- What do you think it was? - The pizza.
Although you two seem right as rain.
I bet you it was the pineapple.
- Aren't you glad that we didn't-- - Yes.
I can't thankyou enough for bringing it to us.
- Can we get you anything? - Please, the phone number ofa doctor.
- I'll go get it.
- Is there anything else we can do? Thankyou.
You've done quite enough already.
Please sit down.
- If I mightjust get a glass ofwater.
- I'll bring it out.
No, I must get there under my own steam.
I must soldier on.
Drag him into the hallway.
He won't remember a thing.
Oh, it's you.
Hello.
I'm so sorry about last night.
Is Hal all right? No.
- How are you feeling? - Still a bit wonky.
Well, here.
I hope these help with your wonkyness.
How sweet.
They'rejust lovely.
- Do you have a cold too? - No.
Actually I'm just a bit allergic to all flowers.
- I'm so sorry.
- Not at all.
- I'll take them back.
- Nonsense.
- I'll get you something else.
- I wouldn't hear of it.
- I insist.
- You mustn't.
- I must.
- Please, you're spreading the pollen.
Ifyou would just excuse me.
I must tend to Hal.
He's still seeing double.
I'll be right next door ifyou need me.
This time it's personal.
They're gonna like me if I have to kill them.
You tried that.
It didn't work.
That's why I made her this bundt cake to make up for it.
I'm sure they'll appreciate all the trouble you went to.
Okay, I'm gonna go down.
Tell me again.
- I take it out ofthe washer-- - And put it in the dryer.
And how many ofthe little sheets that smell like lemon? - You can put in one, but no more.
- They really do add a freshness.
Not being liked is not the end ofthe world.
I'm always liked.
My high school yearbook had over 1 00 inscriptions.
You set up a table in the cafeteria.
I have never had a neighbor not like me.
- Not true.
- Name one.
Lucy Warren, Billy Slater, The Ruperts.
Billy Slater loved me.
You showed him your boobs.
You're a big, stupid liar.
Now, here's a dilemma, Murray.
Other people's clothes in the dryer.
Do we A: put them in the basket nicely or B: dump them on the floor? That's what I'm thinking.
But let's put them in the basket anyway.
Look, Murray.
It's an argyle snake.
You're not amused.
Hey, Murray, look.
I'm a French maid.
Ifyou're quite finished, may I have them, please? - Are these yours? - My wife's.
The Quigley's never cared foryou.
The Fogels, the Davidsons, the Adams, the Potters-- Shut up, shut up, shut up! They all liked me.
You're the one everyone referred to as ''that awful Stemple girl.
'' - Who didn't like you? - Connecticut, apparently.
Except for Billy Slater.
She showed him her boobs.
Liar.
Come on.
Come with me.
Oh, I really don't think they want to see me right now.
Why not? Well, if I tell, you'll laugh.
Tell me.
I'm putting the clothes in the dryer, like you said and Hal, he walks in exactly I mean, exactly at the exact second that his wife's panties were accidentally on my head.
On your head? It's not sexual.
It's very comforting.
Comforting? To put underwear on your head? - Yeah, you should try it.
- Okay, look.
This is basically a P.
R.
problem.
This is what I do.
I'm likeable for a living.
Stay.
Hey, you stay.
Good dog.
No, the underwear was just-- No, I'm not having an affair.
I was playing-- Oh, Ma, why do I tell you things? Look, she-- - Woof.
- Bad boy.
You're a bad, bad boy.
The dog, Ma.
She's talking to the dog.
I swear.
You're talking to the dog, right? Ma, I gotta go.
- What did he do? - Murray made friends with their dog.
Sophie? That's nice.
No, he made friends.
Good friends.
I ntimate friends.
- Get out of here.
- On their couch.
- He did not.
- Right on our new friends' new couch.
How do you know Sophie didn't come on to Murray? - Their dog is a show dog.
- You dog, you! Don't encourage him.
Those puppies are gonna be halfchampion cairn terrier and half-- What the hell is he? He happens to be a very rare Flatbush pound collie-shepard dog.
You know, you know precious little about animals, pal.
- Those people hate us.
- So what? I can't stand to have someone hate me.
I want them to like me.
Let it go.
- Isn't it enough that I like you? - No.
- Can we keep the puppies? - No! You look positively radiant.
- We don't want to be late.
- Certainly not.
I still don't know why they invited us for drinks.
So they can kill us and get it over with.
- You won't eat anything, will you? - Only ifthey eat it first.
I'm afraid.
Let's run away.
We don't want to agitate them.
Look what they do when they're trying to be nice.
I'm so glad you decided to come.
This has been the silliest misunderstanding.
Oh, please.
We've been silly.
We have.
We've been extremely silly.
- Please sit down.
- These are our friends, the Defenows.
- Hello.
- How are you? I'm Fran.
This is my husband, Mark.
We heard about the dog.
Who knows where love will blossom? Would anybody like some cheese? I got five kinds.
- I shouldn't.
- No.
You want me to taste it first? Boy, did we hit traffi c coming down here.
From our place, down 2nd Avenue to here, take a guess how long.
Forty-five minutes.
Do you believe it? - Zoggolopopulous.
- Excuse me? Zoggolopop-- The cabbie's name.
It's Greek.
Came over in '88 to work for Dukakis.
Ah, well, the Greeks haven't picked a winner since Alexander the Great.
You know who I always found attractive? Omar Sharif.
Honey, if I get a gun, would you shoot me, please? Give it time.
They need to meet some of our friends to see that we're not crazy.
And you really think Mark and Fran is the way to go? We don't have a lot offriends.
I like these people.
- They're charming and cultivated.
- You know, charm is way overrated.
Don't you love the way they talk? It's so classy.
It's like a Noel Coward play.
Why can't we talk like that? - Darling, do shut up.
- Will you please make an effort? So we can have more scintillating evenings like tonight? They're enjoying themselves.
Well, Hal must be describing the hilarious changing ofthe guard.
- Stop it.
- And then Mark will come back with ''You know who I find appealing? Cesar Romero.
'' You're unbelievable.
Fran and Mark would never say a bad word about us.
No, you're not wrong.
Paul andJamie can be peculiar.
- Especially Paul.
- I love Paul.
So do I, but he can be very peculiar.
Did they tell you what happened in the laundry room with Maggie's knickers? - Oh, Hal, really.
- Tell me! I walked in and found him parading around with her undies on his head.
- You're kidding.
- Right on top.
Like a little hat.
Frankly, I find the whole thing extremely sordid and rather icky.
Look what my bride made.
- Little mini hot dogs.
- Good.
Don't eat now.
We're gonna have dinner after the opera.
Like one ofthese is gonna tide me over for three hours.
- Which opera are you going to? - Wagner.
Die Walkure.
There's nothing like a lighthearted romp through the Fatherland, huh? They invited us to come with them, but they hate the opera.
How can anyone hate opera? - We don't ''hate it'' hate it.
- I hate it.
- Paul feels like he's being scolded.
- Call me peculiar.
We already did.
You were in the kitchen.
We've never been to the Met.
I'd adore to go.
Oh, it's opera as it should be.
Long, loud and boring.
We have two extra seats.
You guys wanna go? - Oh, we couldn't.
- We'd love to.
- Perhaps some other time.
- Oh, Paul andJamie don't mind.
- No, we do mind.
- You mind? - We mind.
I mind.
- I don't mind.
Never mind.
We're all having such a good time.
- Everything's been just lovely.
- Perhaps we should stay.
Maybe you should go.
You would have a lovely time.
Maybe you could come by for a cup ofcoffee afterwards? I don't care.
Ask Fran.
I'll go get a cab.
Are you sure you don't mind us stealing your new friends? We don't mean to be rude, but after all, Die Walkure.
Hey, it's understood.
Huns in horns.
Who'd wanna miss that? Great.
We'll meet you downstairs.
And don't dawdle.
I'm sorryyou have to run off, but we're having a dinner party next weekend.
I hope you'll come.
Sorry.
We can't.
Now, isn't this awkward? Please, don't take this the wrong way.
- What? - We don't like you.
But thankyou for a lovely evening.
Oh, I'm sure all five cheeses were delicious.
And thankyou for our new friends.
Mark and Fran are lovely.
I can't believe it.
They really don't like me.
Go show them your boobs.
Stay tuned.
We needfriends.
We can't next week, honey, 'cause we have that party Friday night and we're having people over Saturday.
I wish we could cancel our plans for Sunday too.
No, honey, we can't.
We have plans every weekend through March.
- Honey? - Huh? What makes you think they're even home? Ifthey're home, what makes you think they're listening? Or that they even care? Honey, tell them we can't make the regatta.
We already have plans for Flag Day.
Sweetie, love of my life, give it up.
Let it go.
They don't like us.
But why? I don't know.
Maybe because we almost killed them.
We fondled their underwear, and we violated their livestock.
How can somebody not like me? Hey, you're asking the wrong guy.
Play with me.
We can't, honey.
We have Bastille Day withJerry Lewis.