Mad About You s01e16 Episode Script

That idiot Ganz has me covering four accounts and my assistant's out.
I'm in the middle of editing.
The machines go down for three hours.
Then some creep on the subway has his armpit in my face from 52nd Street all the way to West Fourth.
I'll see that.
I'll raise ya.
I'm on the subway.
It derails, right? So we're sitting in the dark for 40 minutes.
I'm wedged between seven circus women.
I can beat that.
When I got home, the maniacs in 12-D were blasting "Jim Nabors Sings the Blues.
" I had an uncle who was killed at Normandy.
- All right.
You win.
- Thank you very much.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you Honey, it's three nights.
How many bathrobes could you possibly wear? They're each a different sickness.
- Did you pack your corduroys? - Nah.
They're too noisy.
If we go for a quiet walk in the woods, all you're gonna hear is my pants.
- What pants are you gonna take? - I'm taking these.
Nice, quiet pants.
- That's it? - What am I gonna do? I'm gonna pick up the car, drive for a few hours find an inn, get us a room, take 'em off.
Really? I better pack the satin robe.
You guys promised me this place for three and a half days.
- You're eating into my time here.
- Okay.
I'm almost done.
- What is this? We said no work.
- I have to look through a few things.
You're never gonna get to this because by the time you finish unpacking, we're gonna come back.
You guys mind if I use your ironing board? Go crazy.
'Cause it's a luxury for me.
I have to iron on the top of my toilet.
Really? Most people, they just take a magazine.
What is this? No computers.
- It's not a computer.
- What is it? A computer.
You can play with it when you come back, when you're relaxed and a human being.
And I would like to beat the traffic, please.
If we drive for three hours and we're not past our block - I'm gonna be very upset.
- I'm done.
- We're leaving right now.
- What the hell is that? It's a diffuser.
Don't even think about it.
Would you like a diffuser? - Here's a diffuser.
- Go away, please.
We are.
You'll check the mail? - I'll check the mail.
- And feed the doggy.
I'll feed the doggy.
- And you'll walk him this time? - I swear.
When you play with his ears, scratch, but don't tug.
- He complain last time? - He mentioned it.
I left the number for the doctor, the neighborhood watch and Murray's vet.
I'll call you when we know where we're staying.
If there's a flood, call the super and there's an extinguisher under the sink in case of a fire.
If there's a flood and a fire, don't worry.
They'll cancel each other out.
I haven't started a fire since college.
If my office calls, take a message.
I'll check in every hour from the road.
No, you won't.
One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand.
- How was it? - What are you doing? I'm taking the bike.
Good.
I'm taking the car.
I'll see you in Vermont.
He should have watched where he was going.
He's a cow.
He has the right of way.
Well, next time he'll look both ways.
Didn't I make great time? - You wouldn't stop for me.
- 'Cause you didn't really have to go.
- I did so.
- No, you went before we left.
- You just wanted to call the office.
- You have such a suspicious mind.
- Am I right? - Yes, but - Hi, folks.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the Babcock Inn.
- Hi.
We'd like a very charming room.
- Do you have a reservation? - No.
We're being spontaneous.
- Spontaneity is a wonderful thing.
- I'm glad you think so.
- I'm glad you're glad.
We're booked.
- You must have something.
- No.
Nothing.
- You know - all we need is a little room.
- Don't have a little room.
- What kind of room do you have? - No room.
Just don't make us get back in the car.
My wife is really stressed out.
She is just overworked and overwrought and this could put her over the edge.
I've been there.
I used to manage Conrad's supermarket, in Wolfsborough.
- Twelve aisles.
Open till nine.
- Eesh.
You're telling me.
My blood pressure went right through the roof.
I got bleeding ulcers.
The day they put in double coupons I said to myself, "Ned, life is too short.
" - Well, you're a man who understands.
- Absolutely.
- You can empathize.
- I can.
- You can get us a little room? - Wish I could.
I can't understand why Bruce said there'd be no problem.
- Bruce? Bruce said that? - Yeah.
You'd think the chairman of the board would know about his own hotel chain.
Excuse me.
Are you talking about Bruce Roberts? - Yeah.
Do you know him? - No, not personally.
We'll tell him you said hello.
What's your name again? We do have one deluxe room overlooking the garden.
Ayoung couple driving down from Canada reserved it.
- But you know what I just realized? - The hell with them.
Exactly.
- Where did you get Bruce? - The brochure.
- Oh, you scare me.
- Room 46.
Did I mention it overlooks our lovely garden? - Yes.
Thank you so much.
- We really appreciate this.
- Look.
What's this? - That's our Museum of Colonial Cutlery.
- Really? - It's closed.
Sorry.
Hey, hey.
Is that really Paul Revere's shrimp fork? It's closed.
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And now BarnabyJones.
Do you want the top drawer or the bottom drawer? - Take 'em both.
I don't need a drawer.
- You're leaving your stuff in the bag? What's the difference? It's folded nicely in the bag or in the drawer.
Clothes don't know the difference.
This way when we're ready to go - I'm already packed.
- You can't live like that.
Compliments of Bruce Roberts.
I'll get it.
Look at that.
That's sweet.
That's sweet.
You know, Bruce is very lucky to have you.
Thank you.
I really love my work.
We'll make sure he finds that out.
Look at that, sweetie.
Apples and fruit, little cheeses.
All our favorites.
- Bruce remembered.
- You know what? This is really so nice.
- No, no.
- Please? Please, please.
Enjoy your stay.
It pays to have imaginary friends in high places.
Well, I'd be sticking with you, babe.
- Hey, are those all mine? - Better safe than sorry.
This is great.
Now I can change my socks every half hour.
This is a nice mattress.
This is You know what? This mattress yields.
Try it.
Just give me one minute.
I just wanna put your stuff Yield now.
Come on.
It's really nice.
- It's a good mattress.
- I'm tellin' ya.
Honey, your jaw is incredibly clenched.
I'm sorry.
We just got here.
I need a little time to unclench.
Okay.
Well, we'll have unclenching time.
You don't wanna just jump into this.
Well, well, relax.
- It's just too soon to relax.
- Maybe it is.
I'm relaxed.
Yeah, easy for you.
You were never clenched.
Well, I was clenched, just not since Massachusetts.
- I just need a little more time.
- Is this helping at all? Do you think they have a fax machine here? They don't have a fax machine.
We're on vacation.
Come on.
Here's an idea.
How about I start a fire? - That'd be nice.
- All right.
Here we go.
- Hey, there's no switch.
- Honey, it's real.
- That's gonna be much harder.
- You want help? No, no.
I got it.
I got it.
There's a square dance at the high school tonight.
- Square dancing? Not so much.
- It could be fun.
That's my fear.
What if it's so much fun that we get hooked, you know? - Does this look right? - You need more space between the logs.
I know.
There's a Polar Bear swim in Mill Creek at dawn.
That sounds perfect.
Swimming between the ice floes.
That's just what I need.
All right.
Stand back 'cause this is gonna be very spectacular.
- Do you want me to do it? - What did I say? I got it.
- Maybe you packed it too tight.
- I didn't.
I packed it just perfect.
It's supposed to be just little tepee of twigs inside a log cabin of wood.
- Where did you get that? - When I was nine.
We went to Frontierland and they had these souvenir place mats with little Indian fun facts.
- And you remember that? - It made an impression.
- You know what we need is newspaper.
- They don't have newspaper.
- How about toilet paper? - Couldn't hurt.
- Honey, you know what I realized? - What's that? I passed the mirror and I happened to catch my eye.
And you know what? I'm a handsome, handsome man.
- You sure are, sweetie.
- Really.
Like a young Ronald Colman.
I always thought of you as being more Gregory Peckish.
No kidding? You think? Well, I can see that too.
- Hey, honey? - Huh? I think you did it.
What? Oh.
See, what did I tell you? Tepee.
Cabin.
Works every time.
You're my lumberjack.
I love fires.
They're so soothing.
- They sure are.
I'll be right back.
- Where you going? - To the lobby.
I have to get something.
- To get what? - Some gum.
- You're going to get gum? It soothes me.
- Hello.
- Hi.
It's me.
- Hi.
- Is everything okay? Yes, it's fine.
Quick question.
How do you get red wine out of silk? - You didn't? - It's just a hypothetical question.
Listen to me.
I left the Computron file right next to the bed.
Fax it to me.
Hold on.
I have another call.
Uh-huh.
Hello.
Hi.
Tell my wife to get off the phone and come back upstairs.
For a second I thought we were still in the city.
Go back to sleep.
- What are you watching? - BarnabyJones.
Man, this guy never rests.
Exactly.
I feel bad for him.
I don't feel too bad.
He's collecting residuals as we speak.
It's not right.
The man's 150 years old.
They shouldn't have him running around like this.
He just captured a sniper half an hour ago.
Now they have him chasing after plutonium smugglers.
It's too much pressure.
What do they want from him? - You're allowed to shut it off.
- I can't.
You know what you haven't done in like hours? Exhale.
- I think I need to go home.
- You wanna go home? Are we going for the shortest vacation in history? This just isn't working for me.
I can't unwind.
My mind keeps racing.
- What's gonna happen if you let go? - I don't know.
Your boss is gonna yell at you? Your clients are gonna leave you? You're just gonna explode into a million pieces all over the place? That's the one.
Well, I will pick up the pieces and glue you back.
- Let's go back to sleep.
- I can't sleep.
All right.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
- Come on.
- Where? The Polar Bear Club meets in 15 minutes.
You and I are going for a little swim.
Come on.
You're crazy.
It's 26 degrees out there.
- Maybe what we need is a little crazy.
- You get a head freeze from ice cream.
You gonna come with me or do I gotta carry you? All right, you're on.
Twenty-six degrees.
What the hell am I thinking? Can I just borrow that for a second? Thank you.
No kidding around.
I've never been colder in my life.
- Still? - Yes.
And possibly forever.
I feel great.
We should jump into a frozen creek every day.
Yes.
Let's do just that.
Honey, come have breakfast.
This apple butter is so fresh.
- Do you make this here? - Actually, it's bottled in Brooklyn.
A little taste of home right here in the country.
Could you just leave that here? Thank you.
- Seriously, you're not cold? - Mm-mmm.
I feel invigorated.
You know why? See, you're a woman.
To a woman, freezing water on a woman's body is invigorating.
To a man, not such a thrill.
Bad things happen.
Oh, honey, they'll come back.
I just miss them.
Hey, you were quite the little polar bear out there this morning.
- I know.
I loved it.
- Yeah, very invigorating.
- Can I ask you a personal question? - Yeah.
Two, three days, tops.
- Glad to hear it.
- See you next time.
See how friendly people are here.
I love it here.
- I think my eyelids froze.
- I'm serious.
I don't wanna leave.
I haven't blinked in like 30 minutes.
Is that bad? We could live like kings here.
Look at this.
Four-bedroom colonial on five acres, an orchard, a pond and a shed for less than a one-bedroom apartment in our neighborhood.
- What would we do with a shed? - You put things in it.
- What kind of things? - Shed things.
Rakes and shovels and compost.
- Compost.
Compost is like fertilizer.
- Yeah.
So we get a shed, we gotta go right out, we gotta buy fertilizer? You don't have to buy fertilizer.
You could put whatever you want in the shed.
I don't wanna put anything in the shed.
I don't want the shed at all.
- Forget the shed.
We'll tear it down.
- Well, that seems a shame.
A perfectly good shed.
Why tear it down? Oh-oh.
Look at this.
Police Blotter.
The bicycle missing from the Thurman's garage is still missing.
You wanna live in a town like that? Living in constant fear? I can't do it.
I won't do it.
You hear me? - I'm serious.
- You're not serious.
- Yes, I am.
- You had one good swim.
- I love it here.
- Yeah, but we can't live here.
- I'm telling you.
I think this is it.
- We don't know here.
All right, so we'll find out.
We'll explore.
We'll drive around.
- We'll talk to people.
Come on.
- All right.
But first I wanna stop by that creek and look for my testicles.
Let's pretend this makes sense, all right? Let's say we do this thing you're suggesting.
We leave New York and we move to the country.
So now we're living in the country for the rest of our lives.
Still we'd have to go back to the city to to pick up the dog.
We'd have to get our security deposit back.
And to tell you the truth, there's two or three shirts that you didn't pack - I'd like to get.
- So you're in? Of course No, I'm not in.
What are you talking about? We can't just move here.
- Didn't we have fun today? - It was great.
I enjoyed the hiking.
That was fun.
It was like walking without pavement.
I love this.
We got quilts.
We got apples.
Yes, and they're beautiful apples.
- You like apples.
- I love apples.
- Then let's move here.
- It's that last jump that's a little hard for me.
A lot of people are very happy in the country.
And God bless 'em.
But what would we what would we do here? I don't know.
We'd open a store or a restaurant.
We could buy that place with the orchard and make our own apples.
That's a career move you wanna make? From vice president of a PR firm to apple maker? All right.
You could be a farmer.
We could buy a farm.
We'll work together, tilling the soil, side-by-side.
Sadly, I'm not a big tiller.
It'll be like The Grapes of Wrath.
You love that movie.
The lighting.
Yes, I love the lighting.
L Not the tilling.
I didn't like the tilling.
And besides, on a farm you gotta get up really early.
We'll grow stuff that sleeps late.
Corn.
I understand corn is one of your lazier vegetables.
Buchman Farms.
Rusty speaking.
Hi.
Guess what.
You know that green ceramic vase on your bookshelf? - You broke it? - No.
Gunter says it's authentic Bauhaus, worth fifteen hundred bucks.
At least.
You know what we have in our apartment? An expensive vase and a man named Gunter.
Who the hell is Gunter? He's my friend from Group.
Gunter from Group.
You know what? He loves your video equipment.
Can't keep his hands off it.
- We're buying a farm.
- No, she's not.
We're not.
And no, you can't keep the apartment.
You tell Gunter to keep his hands off the stereo.
Food's here.
Can Murray eat egg rolls? Just one.
And tell him to lay off the duck sauce.
Boy, I really got a hankering for sesame noodles now.
- Spicy ones with the scallions on top.
- That would be nice.
That's what we'll do.
We'll open a Chinese restaurant up here.
Or, and this could be just a little bit simpler, maybe we drive to the city and we buy Chinese food from a place that already exists.
- We could make a fortune.
- A couple of flaws with the plan.
A we don't cook.
- Two we're not Chinese.
- So what? So we're not Chinese and we're not farmers.
We don't grow tomatoes.
We buy tomatoes.
We don't make Chinese food.
We don't sell Chinese food.
We eat Chinese food.
We have a very specific function in the whole grand scheme of things.
We can't be farmers because we're gonna upset some delicate balance of nature? That and I look chunky in overalls.
I'm gonna try the venison.
I've always wanted to try venison.
How could you eat Didn't you ever see Bambi? I'm sorry.
The dining room's closed.
Well, it's 8:30.
We just wanted to get some dinner.
You can get breakfast in another ten hours.
- What can we get now? - Sleep.
Do you think you could go into the kitchen and make us something? If I did that, everybody'd be asking.
Who? - Please, don't pressure me.
- Did I pressure you? - I felt a little something there.
- Asking is not pressuring.
- Well, up here it is.
- That's all right.
We'll go someplace else.
What's the best restaurant in town? - That would be us.
- Second best.
- Dobson's.
- Where's that? Two blocks down, left at the Unitarian, right at the foot bridge.
- You'll see it up the embankment.
- Unitarian, foot bridge, embankment.
- Do we need a reservation? - They're closed.
Thank you so much.
There must be something else.
- Not that I can think of.
- Is there a Chinese place? There's Changs over at Maple Street, but they usually eat here.
What about a McDonald's? Everybody has a McDonald's, right? - Sure.
Over in Laconia.
- Great.
Let's go.
But you'll never make it.
They close at 11.
- Because Laconia would be - Three hours north.
There's a shortcut if you have a four-wheel drive.
What if you let me go in the kitchen and make us all something? Well, union rules.
- It'll be our little secret.
- But I have a big mouth.
Look, don't make me get Bruce Roberts on the phone.
'Cause she'll do it, man.
She will do it.
Go right ahead.
I talked to his office this morning.
He's never heard of you.
Oh, okay.
So I lied.
- So I gathered.
- All right, all right.
She was desperate.
She was hungry.
She lies when she's hungry.
Sometimes.
- Well, she makes everybody tense.
- Who? Don't pressure me.
- What kind of town is this? - It's a town without pity or food.
Honey, back home we'd have a mouthful of mu shu by now.
Right.
It's the chicken fried rice, the mu shu pork the szechuan vegetables and the steamed dumplings.
- You're crazy.
- Said I'd make it worth their while.
I'm saying don't get steamed.
Get the pan fried dumplings.
- The name is Buchman.
- Tell them it's above 14th Street.
We're at the Babcock Inn in PineJunction, Vermont.
It's right outside the city.
So take the throughway.
Tell 'em it's a beautiful ride.
You'll love it up here.
Our regular programming will not be seen tonight so we can bring you a special two-hour BarnabyJones.