Mad About You s02e06 Episode Script

- Where are you going? - Out.
- Hey, is it going to rain? - Don't worry.
- You'll be able to shoot the parade.
- How do you know? - Because it rained last Halloween.
- Is that like a rule? If that's Lou, I'm not here.
Hello? Fran, I know.
I know.
I'm leaving right now.
Okay, I'll meet you there.
Bye-bye.
I'm meeting her.
I'll be home by the time you're done.
- I don't know when I'll be done.
- I don't know when I'll be home.
That's all you had to say.
There's a big bowl of candy in the kitchen, in case I don't get back.
- That would be what, like, supper? - No, it's for trick-or-treaters.
What trick-or-treaters? In two years we've never had a kid come to the door.
You are such a Scrooge about Halloween.
Yes, but I'm a delight on Flag Day.
- What is it with you and Halloween? - It's I had a thing.
- What thing? - It's a private thing.
Okay.
All right, it was years ago, but it was Halloween.
I'm dressed up.
I'm Superman, right? I'm dressed.
I'm standing, minding my own business as Superman is wont to do and all of a sudden the Escobar brothers come out of nowhere - The Escobar brothers? - Yes, Escobar brothers Matty, Felipe and Jesus.
So they had just turned 10, so they're like on a reign of terror.
- I thought you were Superman.
- They don't respect the uniform.
- Want to hear the story? - Next time.
Very colorful.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
No problem.
Honey? What, my brother didn't tell you? You didn't tell her? Debbie is bringing Jed to stay with us for a couple of hours.
I forgot.
Hey, buddy, come here.
Where's the face? I have to go to this funeral, and my babysitter has Giant tickets.
- You didn't tell her? - I forgot, okay? - We'll be okay.
- Will you be all right? Fine.
Come in.
I'm so sorry.
Who died? Just one of my clients.
It's a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
- What about trick-or-treat? - We'll trick-or-treat tonight, honey.
He has a $45 costume waiting in the garage.
- Can I watch the Screamathon? - No Screamathon.
No Screamathon.
You've become quite a Scrooge about Halloween.
- You hate Halloween.
- I don't hate Halloween.
He had a big trick-or-treating trauma in high school.
High school? Wait, wait.
The Superman incident was in high school? - First of all, it was not in high school.
- You told me you were 10.
No.
I said the Escobar brothers were 10.
- These were burly triplets, big guys.
- No.
He was 16.
- You were 16? - I wasn't 16, but they had candy corn.
They were throwing them at my chest, like little triangular Kryptonite.
Like, bam-bam-bam! All right, sweetie, you be good.
Okay? - Thanks.
- Yeah, sure.
- It's starting to go there, Pauly.
- I told you.
Go.
Go to your funeral already.
Have fun.
- Bye-bye.
- I'm sorry he didn't tell you.
No problem.
- Problem? - Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing? - All right, all right.
- I'm sorry.
I forgot.
- I just can't believe you didn't tell me.
What is he, an immigrant? He understands.
- I love Jed.
- It's nothing personal.
I just forgot.
- I was supposed to meet Fran today.
- So you go.
What are you gonna do with him by yourself? - That's true.
Don't go.
- I am going eventually.
- I told her I'd meet her this afternoon.
- But I have to shoot the parade today.
- So my plans don't count? - Ordinarily, yes.
Today, no.
- Because? - They only have Halloween parades on days that they have Halloween.
- I can't find Aladdin.
- Well, we'll find it.
Keep looking.
- His mother said no Aladdin.
His mother's not here.
So there.
- Should we rent something for us? - Look.
They did it again.
- What? - They made up these new categories.
Look at this, Action Horror, Action Comedy Action Tragedy Comedy, Romantic Comedy Comedy Comedy.
- They did not.
- What does that say? - Comedy Comedy.
- What does that mean? - Twice as funny.
- Can we get The Three Stooges? - Sure.
- Hey, you like the Stooges? - Yeah.
You remember Larry? That's him.
- No, it's not.
- Yes Hey, hey, Larry.
- Say hello to my little nephew here.
- Hey, Pauly, cute kid.
Reminds me of the reformatory.
- Wow! - Do the thing where you yell at Moe.
- I'd better not.
- Right.
- Listen, you got a copy of Aladdin? - Let me check.
- I'll be back.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- I've asked you not to do that.
- All right, all right.
- Go get the tapes from the night drop.
- Sorry, Dutch.
- Yeah, that's show biz.
Hi.
You got a copy of Aladdin for us? - Buchman? - Yes, sir.
How about cleaning up this late charge? - We don't have any late charges.
- $38.
Son of Paleface.
You could have bought it for 6.
99.
- You never returned Son of Paleface? - You were supposed to.
- You rented it.
Why would I return it? - People don't do that in this country? - I really want to see this.
- What is it? - Volvika.
- It's a love story about two gymnasts.
- What's the matter with you? - What? Why would you want to see a bad movie? - You're homophobic.
- Why insist on seeing a bad movie? - You've never seen it.
- I'll never see it.
'Cause you're homophobic.
You won't let a man give you a massage.
No.
That's because That's not true at all.
If a stranger is rubbing oil on my buttocks That's not it.
The word "penis" makes you uncomfortable.
It's not "penis.
" "Penis" doesn't bother me.
- Say the word.
- How are you? Fran, I'm sorry.
What can I say? He didn't tell me.
Okay, I'll meet you in front of Barneys at 3:00.
There'll be stuff left.
I'll see you at 3:00 Hold on, I got another call.
- Lf it's Lou, I'm not here.
- Hello? Debbie, hi.
Well, no, he seems to be fine.
Wow.
Okay, no, we'll just see you when you get here.
Bye-bye.
- Now she has to go to the cemetery.
- Great.
Hello? Okay, so, Fran, I'll meet you at 4:00.
No, we said 4:00.
- Bye.
- Well, now what do we do? - I just pushed back Fran an hour.
- Boy, do I owe you.
Yeah, no kidding.
Should we feed him or something? Probably would help, sure.
Let's get him a movie to watch something besides Aladdin.
- Hey, Jed.
You want something to eat? - Okay.
- Okay.
What do you want? Butter.
- Butter and? - Nothing.
- You just want a big plate of butter? - Yeah.
Does your mom let you eat that at home? Yeah.
- I don't think so.
- She does.
- Does not.
- Does too.
- Does not.
- Does too.
- Does not.
- Honey.
I'll go get you something.
Would you like a John Wayne movie? You like John Wayne? - No.
- This is gonna turn you right around.
This is it.
You're going to love it.
John Wayne is exactly like Aladdin.
In fact, they knew each other.
We have no kid food.
How can we not have any kid food? - Probably because we have no kids.
- Someday we're going to.
You think we should shop now for then? - Uncle Paul, can I have some milk? - Sure.
- It's low-fat.
- Low-fat.
- Okay.
- It's okay.
I gotta get up to the roof, and I gotta start setting up.
- Can I have a cheese sandwich? - Sure, help yourself.
- Got any mustard? - Yes, absolutely, we got mustard.
- Look how we got mustard, here.
- And I will set you up right here.
- He's gonna watch the movie.
- So? - Let him eat on the couch.
- He's not eating there.
- We eat on the couch.
- Which is why we never turn that cushion over.
- Isn't that a lot of mustard? - No.
All right.
I wasn't allowed to run around pell-mell when I was growing up.
- Were you? - No, never ran pell-mell.
We'd run willy-nilly.
We'd run helter-skelter.
When company was over, we'd run amok.
You know what? You want to watch the movie, right? Take this, go enjoy it, and sit inside.
- Really? - Sure.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Uncle Paul.
You bet.
Nice kid.
I can't believe you would just contradict me like that.
Come on, you can't spill cheese.
No.
If you play the good cop, it makes me the bad cop.
- Why don't we both be the good cop? - Because you wind up with a kid with no discipline.
- Except that's not our kid.
- Someday it's gonna be.
Let's just get through today.
I gotta go.
- Go.
- I really got to.
Okay.
Alrighty, it's good, huh? - Where are you going? - I gotta go to work.
- Can I help? - No, you just watch the movie.
- What are you working on? - My documentary.
- What's a documentary? - What's a documentary? A documentary is, you know It's like a movie.
- Like Aladdin? - Yeah.
It's exactly like Aladdin.
Can I help? Honey.
I'm What is that? Game Boy.
Could you put it down for two seconds? - I'm surrounded by ninjas.
- Here's the thing, I gotta go to work.
That's okay.
- Could you get that, please? - No.
Thank you very much.
- Hello? - That's handy.
- Uncle Paul? - I'll call them back.
- Made it to level two.
- He's working.
- He's making his documentary.
- I hope that's not Lou.
May I ask who's calling? It's Lou.
Lou, where are you? No, we're waiting for you.
What do you mean, what? We're shooting a parade.
You don't remember? - It was his idea.
- It was your idea.
Yeah.
All right.
You want to come down? Okay.
Great.
We'll see you here.
All right.
- Lou's coming over.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, "sorry" ain't going to help me now.
- I said you can't spill cheese.
- You know what? This is your fault.
- I didn't approve the beverage.
- Go shoot your film.
- I will take care of him.
- You okay with that? - I'm not okay with that.
- All right.
Guys, it happens.
All right, I got all my positions on the roof taped off, and if Sorry.
I was working.
You thought I wasn't working.
- I was working the whole time.
- Don't kiss me.
No! I was almost on level eight.
Sorry.
I didn't know.
Your sister called.
Apparently, she has to go to the buffet.
So how long we have him? Through college? - Here, give me a hand.
Okay? - Look how he bends.
Be careful.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ready? Watch this.
- Well done.
- Fast.
They don't feel it.
That's the whole thing.
Fast.
- Where you going? - To meet Fran.
I thought you were gonna push it It's 4:00 already? - Can't you push it back a little longer? - No.
- Why not? - We're going to look at socks.
Socks? That's what you've been hawking me about? - Socks? - It's a one-day sale.
- Who's gonna watch him? - Take a guess.
No I have all this work to do.
Have you ever heard of equal involvement, equal parenting? - Yes, but - Well, I made him lunch.
- I watched the tape with him.
- I read him "Family Circus.
" - I cleaned up the milk.
- But you left a wet paper towel which I threw into the garbage.
- I'm going to throw out that garbage.
Throw it out.
I'm meeting Fran.
You can't meet Fran.
I gotta shoot a parade.
God, this is so typical.
You're going to run off to work while I sit home with the kid.
Tell me how it's typical.
This has never happened here, ever.
- Aunt Jamie? - Hey.
Now he's got malaria.
Look at this.
- Where's my mom? - She's gonna be home later.
Want some more cheese? She was going to take me trick-or-treating.
Oh, man.
You know what? We can What we'Il Let's do that.
We'll take you trick-or-treating.
- Yes, we will.
- Okay, but not long.
- That's okay.
- What about my costume? That's a good one.
Costume? - Aunt Jamie is gonna make you one.
- No kidding.
Really? - Ready? - I'm ready.
- What do you think? - I think Aunt Jamie did good.
- Where's your camel? - Murray.
Murray, come here.
Well, we have everything we need.
Let's Let's go.
What do you say, gang? I'm not a yay-er.
I thought I could yay.
At the last minute I couldn't yay.
- Lou! - I got ideas.
Hey, nice touch.
People love kids in movies.
Remember The Champ? Does he cry? Do you cry? - My nephew Jed.
- We're taking him trick-or-treating.
Cool.
Go ahead.
I took care of everything.
- I've been on the roof.
- You took care of everything? - What? How? - I moved all the camera positions.
- Honey, let's go.
- To where? You got a pad and pencil? I'm getting more ideas.
- You see what I'm dealing with? - I understand, but you promised him.
- It'll only take 10 minutes.
- I don't think I can go.
- But you promised.
- Look, I would love to go I don't think now is a great time to have this argument.
Okay, but I don't think it would really be a terrible thing if you could give me a little slack here.
Sweetie, Jed and I were just talking about how it wouldn't kill you dead to take 10 minutes and come trick-or-treating.
At the same time, it wouldn't murderlize you to - Fine.
- I will catch up with you, I swear.
So, Lou, what's up? I might have a date this weekend.
No, no, no.
Not them.
- Trick or treat! - I beg your pardon? Trick or treat? I'm sorry.
Am I supposed to do something? - It's Halloween.
- Yes, that American pumpkin holiday.
You're supposed to give him some candy.
- Who is that, dear? - It's 11 -D.
- What does she want? - She seems to be begging for food.
Every year on Halloween the kids go door-to-door and you give them candy.
- Why? It's a tradition.
- Well, I might have some pudding.
- That's okay.
We'll see you later.
Come on.
Is the dog all right? How long do you think trick-or-treating usually lasts? You in trouble, huh? Hey.
These things give you energy.
We should give some to the crew.
Cut down on that overtime.
Oh, baby.
- Who gave him sugar? - Not I.
And Schmeling is down.
No, no.
It's all right.
Freeze.
I'm a cop.
Just kidding.
You know what? I'm not a cop, but police work fascinates me.
Listen, Lou, I need you to really not be playing with this stuff.
- I'm sorry.
- All right.
Hey, Paul? My fault.
No, no.
We hate them.
Aunt Jamie, do you guys like anybody? Of course we do.
We love all people.
Ready? - Trick or treat! - Hey, look at him! - Honey, do you have the certificates? - Here they are.
- What is this? - We're not giving candy this year.
Instead we're making a donation in each child's name to the Bosnian relief effort.
- Excuse me? - We think it's important that the boy feel good about himself.
You don't have a Snickers? I can't believe no one's ever written a song about candy corn.
Maybe you can go home now and try and whack one out.
- You know, I love Halloween.
- Why is that? You get to dress up, eat candy, be a kid again, you know? - When are you gonna have kids? - What? What is it with you people? - Who? - Everybody.
No matter what you're doing, it's never enough for people.
You're going out with somebody, "When are you two getting married?" No, no, no.
So then you get married.
"When are you two gonna have kids?" You have kids.
"When are your kids gonna get married?" I imagine at the end of my life there will be people around going, "So when are you two gonna die?" After a while, I've had it up to here.
It's enough.
It's enough.
My fault.
Get ready.
Here they come.
Hello? Trick or treat? Come on.
Open the door.
I can see your eye! What is the matter with you people? What am I supposed to tell my kid? That there's no Halloween? That's just wonderful.
Why don't you come out and tell him there's no Santa Claus too? There's no Santa Claus? I'm sorry.
What? - Hey, you.
- Where is everyone? I sent them home.
I was on my way down to meet you.
Your nephew is so sweet, my uterus hurts.
- Where did he go? - Debbie picked him up.
- I didn't even get to say goodbye.
- Well, you were working.
So the kid couldn't take 10 minutes to say goodbye? This was a very important day for us and you bailed out on me.
- I didn't bail out.
You did.
What happens when we have a kid we can't return at 9:00? You going to bail out on me then too? Why would you think that? You gave me a whole day of why I should think that.
- But I was working.
- I'll see you later.
- Come here.
- No.
Can I tell you something? Nobody is good at this the first time.
Most of your screwed-up people would be, like, your older siblings.
We had one adorable kid for half a day, and we barely made it.
How do people do it? I don't know.
My guess would be they're better than us.
- I want us to be good at this.
- We will.
- When it counts, we'll be great.
- Do you promise? Yeah.
We weren't so good at us right away, either.
- That's true.
- Finally you straightened out, so that helped a lot.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't believe I didn't say goodbye to Jed.
- Well, he said to say goodbye to you.
- He did? That's the problem with kids.
You get attached, and then they just leave.
If you said anything wrong, they remember that.
That's the part they remember.
Like how we talk about our parents.
- That will be us in a couple of years.
- Oh, my God.
You're terrified.
- You bet.
Yes.
- I am too.
No, but not like me.
I mean, the whole concept is like It's inconceivable to me, especially the whole childbirth part.
- Forget it.
- I'll definitely be there for that.
I know, but, like, schools You got to find the right schools.
- A lot of times they get sick.
- Boy, oh, boy.
This poor kid.
- Who? - Ours.
You know, and they play with sharp things.
They ask you, "How does this work?" "How does that work?" How do I know how things work? I just I won't sleep for a week, but, wow.
My fault!