Mad About You s02e17 Episode Script

Extra chunky.
Don't tell me I don't love you.
It's so good.
I'm gonna go.
Will you be back by 6? Because you got the thing tonight.
I'll see you later.
If we don't go now, we may as well not go.
Factory outlets on a Saturday, murder.
I got it.
We take the tunnel to 46th, That's the way we beat the crowds.
Relax.
We're gonna be fine.
Wanna hear the letter again? Pauly, we heard it.
- "Dear Paul.
" - Please don't do this now.
No, I'm not.
"Saw your recent film Enlightened.
- A sensitive eye.
" - These outlet stores, they have lunch? How can you think about food when there's 60%% off? - "Artistic soul.
" - We'll eat afterwards.
Let's just go.
"A lifter of human spirit.
" If the good stuff is gone, I'm blaming you.
"With love, Yoko Ono.
" See.
It says "Yoko," then it says "Ono.
" - So it's Yoko Ono.
- I see.
It starts "Dear Paul," and then "Love, Yoko.
" - Very cool, Pauly.
- Are we going? - Let's go.
- Are you ready? - I'm ready.
- I've been ready.
- Are you ready? - I'm waiting for you.
Let me read from this part.
"Dear Paul.
" It's not stealing.
- It's not not stealing.
- Yes, it is.
How many shirts did you pay for? Two.
How many shirts are in that bag? It was their mistake.
They gave me an extra shirt.
You're still on this thing? I'm trying to teach my wife a sense of right and wrong.
Done with the Happy Delight Shrimp? We didn't find it until the tunnel.
Did you wanna drive back? I would have felt better.
If nobody's gonna eat the Wonderful Taste Chicken What is this stuff? Bean Curd of Majesty and Wonder.
Next time we go back, we'll return the shirt.
- Would that make you feel better? - Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind.
- It's just that Yoko Ono - Pauly.
She feels I'm a lifter of human spirits.
So it doesn't look good for me if my wife is a lifter of shirts.
You should keep the beige one, and give back the taupe.
- What is taupe? - It's like beige.
- The two I bought are beige.
- I thought the first one was tan.
It looked tan, but it was beige.
- That sweater I bought was beige? - That was off-white.
More like a camel.
That guy never said "camel.
" Of course not.
Camel's not a selling point.
- Does it make me look lumpy? - No.
- I'm getting a headache.
- It's the MSG.
There's no MSG.
This thing with MSG is a myth.
My ma put Accent on everything.
There was never an incident.
I'm so full, I could puke.
Thank you.
- No! - Here you go, Frannie.
You're not supposed to hand someone their fortune.
I thought it was electric wires you don't hand people.
You take the one folded toward you, and pass it to the right.
No! You can't put it down after you touched it.
Tell me there's no MSG in her food.
"Sunny smiles make for pleasant days.
" Bend over.
"You are loved by many.
" - "Bad luck follows the guilty.
" - Hey.
I'm not guilty.
Who says I'm guilty? Look at this.
This is mine.
"Your wife is guilty, and you're right all the time.
" - What's going on? - I had to use your phone.
See? Bad luck's already here.
- Harriet! - What is wrong with your phone? They have this thing.
After 120 days, they shut it off.
Like, what, I'm not gonna pay them? Did anybody call for us? Harriet, that's why you should break up with her.
Honey, who called? Your mother, my mother, your mother again.
- What is this? - Yo-yo called.
- Yo-yo? - Do you mean Yoko? Whatever.
She's your friend.
You didn't get a number? I was on the other line.
- Get off the phone, please.
- Excuse me? Lisa, you're being bad.
I'll call you back.
What? - Do you know who that was? - Harriet.
No, no, before.
That was Yoko Ono who called.
It didn't sound like her.
- Hey! Do you know? - Why would she call you? I'm never gonna find out because you didn't get her number.
Call information.
How many Y.
Onos can there be? Listen to me.
She'll call back.
- How do you know? - She's Yoko.
- What does that mean? - She just will.
You didn't get her number! Can I call Harriet, or are you still yelling at me? Please go elsewhere.
It's too late to call her now, anyway.
You know what time Yoko Ono goes to bed? Yes, I do.
I read an article in Vanity Fair.
"Sleeping Habits of the Stars.
" Tony Randall takes naps.
- Are you done? - Yes.
Ira, it's me.
Did you call here and pretend you were Yoko? Swear to me.
Swear? If you're lying, I'll punch you in the lungs.
I don't know why she would call.
Hold on a second.
Tell him he doesn't look lumpy in his sweater.
- You don't.
I already said.
- Stop with the lumpy sweater.
I wanna get off the phone.
Yoko may call back.
I don't know why she would call back.
I'll tell her you liked the poetry.
Goodbye.
Get off the phone! It wasn't Ira.
Excuse me very much.
Yoko Ono called our home.
I understand.
- What? What do you understand? - She called.
You know, you You You I can't believe Before me, I can't believe you didn't even like the Beatles.
- I liked them.
- Well, not enough.
I don't have to love everything you love.
Well, it wouldn't kill you if you did.
Which one do you like better? Which one is stolen? I didn't steal it.
It was given to me.
Yeah, well, still, it's ill-gotten gains.
Ill-gotten gains? Yes, ma'am.
Gains that were illy gotten.
You eat grapes.
- I don't know what you're saying.
- In the supermarket.
Grapes in the supermarket? That's not stealing.
Besides, they factor that in.
They probably factor in the shirt.
They know, once in a while, somebody makes a mistake.
They're set up for that.
You don't know what you're saying.
Wait.
A grape isn't stealing, but a shirt is? That's exactly right.
- So, what is the issue, size? - Size, value.
Wait.
It's smaller than a shirt, but bigger than a grape.
- What is? - What you're allowed to steal.
You're not allowed to steal anything.
I didn't steal anything, and I'm not driving back to New Jersey.
- Close the window.
It's freezing.
- You should return it because, I've mentioned this, bad luck follows the guilty.
I know.
Stop quoting our dessert.
Yeah, well.
Hey, hey! - What happened? - That was meant for you.
Is this the stupidest thing I ever bought? Yes.
- Well, stop me.
- Stop.
I can't.
I have to punish myself for being so stupid.
What happened? That almost hit my foot.
Do you know what? I think I'm getting your luck.
What luck? The bad luck that follows the guilty.
That luck.
One day, I'd like to try hitting you.
All right, fine.
I won't say anything.
Okay, all right, come here.
If that shirt is not a jinx how come, all of a sudden, I'm out of cereal? - Where? - Right here.
Right here.
No cereal.
By the way, you notice, it's my cereal.
No problem with your cereal.
My cereal, we're out of.
Somehow, you and I got all crossed in the cosmos.
They got us confused.
- Who? - Who? Whoever they are.
The people in charge there.
Damn! They got to make a thing for getting the shell out of the egg.
Damn.
Like an eggshell magnet thing.
Now, what? What have you got, a fur ball or something? I got a little pit.
Heimlich me.
Heimlich me.
If you can say "Heimlich," you don't actually need it.
Humor me, would you? Would you just? It's, like, stuck Okay, okay.
There it This is not so funny anymore.
What? - That taupe shirt is trying to kill me.
- Come on.
Taupe shirt is trying to kill me.
Since when are there pits in concentrate? Are you kidding? I was before, but now I'm not so sure.
- Where are you going? - To turn your life around.
- What are you doing? - I'm getting rid of the taupe shirt.
Thank you.
- Are you happy? - I think we'll live longer now.
Hello.
He's right here.
Hold on one second.
It's Yoko! Ono? I'm pretty sure.
- The second you throw - It's Yoko Ono on the phone! Hello? Hi, hi.
Well, how are you? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's very sweet.
Thank you.
Tomorrow night? Well, we would love that.
My parents wanted to have dinner.
We will absolutely be there.
We look forward.
Thank you very much.
- Bye, now.
- What? What? Got to go to a little cocktail party at Yoko Ono's house.
A little cocktail party at Yoko Ono's house.
Wow, wow, but you know what? Why? - Don't.
- Why would she invite me? Don't look for the bad in this.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Maybe she wants me to do a film.
Maybe.
Maybe she has this rare Beatle footage she wants me to look at.
I'm the only one she would trust to look at this stuff.
Wouldn't that be really cool? That would be great.
What am I gonna wear? - Thank you for caring.
- I'm sorry.
Wear whatever you want, but nothing that's cursed.
I don't want anything to mess this up.
Nothing's gonna mess it up.
She loved your work.
She'll love you.
I'm gonna do my strong, admiring wife thing, which I got from her.
And she's gonna love me too.
Suddenly, this is a good day.
Look what I found in front of your building.
- It's still got the price - This is going out the window.
- What? Was it your back? - Pins in the shirt! Okay.
I'll return it.
What time are we supposed to be there? Eightish.
"Ish"? Yoko said "ish"? She said it right on our phone, baby.
- We are so cool! - We are very cool.
You don't even like the Beatles that much.
- I like them.
- Well, not enough.
- I love Yoko.
- Yeah, well Hey, what are you doing? - What? - Blouse of death! Blouse of death! - No, it's not.
- That looks pretty taupe to me.
It's beige.
I returned the blouse of death.
You returned it? All right, all right.
- Did you go to the dry cleaner's? - Yeah.
Are you kidding? - Got my lucky jacket pressed.
- You have a lucky jacket? Sure.
This is the jacket I was wearing the time I got the great parking spot.
In front of Gristede's.
- Honey - Plus I was wearing this the time we won free pancakes at the IHOP.
The scratch-off thing.
- I'm not sure the jacket - Trust me.
This wool was worn by lucky lambs.
- Who the hell is that? - I don't know.
Would you get it? Yes, because I'm so much closer to the door than you.
- Should I wear earrings? - Absolutely.
Definitely.
What do I care what you're wearing or not wearing? It's Fran.
- Hi.
What's going on? - We're getting dressed.
You just missed the earring discussion by two seconds.
Wanna be out of here in five minutes.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
What are you doing? I told you.
We're going to Yoko's.
Right.
Was that tonight? - Where are you going? - Nowhere.
I'm free.
- Fran, I can't just bring you.
- I'm your best friend.
- I can't.
- I hired a babysitter.
- No.
- I'm a widow.
- You're divorced.
- I'm divorced.
I'm sorry.
Could I borrow your earrings? Sure.
Cute outfit.
I love how the black offsets the taupe.
What? It's not taupe.
I returned the taupe.
- What are you doing? - I'm proving a point.
You ready? Call you in the morning.
I memorized the entire album where they were naked.
- You got money for cab? - No.
I got money.
What was that? It wasn't me.
I ripped my jacket! Wear your other one.
The gray one.
- This is my lucky jacket.
- Fine.
I will sew it in the cab.
How could I possibly rip my lucky jacket? Are you sure that's not taupe? - I'm telling you, it's beige.
- You said it was off-white.
- It's so off-white that it's beige.
- How come I'm? - It's not the one.
- All right, all right.
Thank you.
and Central Park West.
See how lucky we are? - How are we lucky? - This is a Checker Cab.
There are six of these in the whole city.
I love the little jump seats.
- Sure you returned the right shirt? - Yes.
Give me your sleeve.
All right.
Hey, do me a Hey.
You should count your blessings.
- You don't have a steak knife? - It could've ripped at Yoko's.
You know how embarrassed you would have been? Excuse me.
It says "No smoking" back here.
That's in the back.
Yeah, but still.
Would you mind? It calms me.
Fine.
I understand.
- 227.
Come in, 227.
- Don't you 227 me.
What time are you getting home? Make your own dinner.
Did it ever occur to you I might miss you? We never cuddle anymore.
- Explain to me the luck in this.
- I think they're sweet.
- You're right.
I've been remiss.
- You don't care.
What do you care? - I care.
- You don't care I'm out here driving in bad weather with bald tires, no brakes.
For all you care I could drive off a bridge.
Want me to drive off a bridge? - No.
Nobody wants that.
- What do you want from me? I want you to pull your weight in this marriage.
I'm not working hard enough? Fine.
I'll pick up two fares.
Excuse me, Rita.
- You already have - Get in! Just get me out of this city and as close to England as possible.
Got it.
Could you stop on 72nd Street on the way, please.
I don't grab you Yanks at all.
I'm sorry.
What did we do? Really.
Excuse me, this is the no-smoking section here.
I have no patience for health.
- He's allergic.
- Fine.
If we ever go to England, now we'll know someone.
Hey, you driving without your glasses again? No.
Then what are they doing here on my desk? You used to tell me I had pretty eyes.
Maybe we can get a little more air back here? I'll toss it out.
Will that make you happy? - Yeah.
Very much so, yes.
- Fine.
Honey.
Rita, pull over! - What are you doing? - It's taupe, all right? I was trying to prove a point.
You win.
Are you kidding? You practically killed me here! What are you looking at? She reminds me of my mum.
- There's a Macy's right there.
- So what? - I can get another blouse.
- They're having a sale.
See how lucky we are? - We're already 20 minutes late.
- Women's blouses.
- Seventh floor.
- Thank you.
Second floor.
Men's furnishings and accessories.
Wallets, belts, ties, cravats, suspenders Excuse me.
- Who are you telling this to? - You.
Watchbands hosiery, handkerchiefs Excuse me.
We really don't need to know this.
Would you rather just push a button? - No, no.
- Sorry.
Please, go on.
Thank you.
Outerwear, sportswear camping apparel tents huts hats socks hip boots Seventh floor.
Women's apparel.
Casual wear eveningwear active wear fun wear leisurewear.
Careful getting out.
Miniskirts Come on.
You got the blouse.
Let's pay.
Yoko's waiting.
I just wanna look at some shoes.
These don't match my blouse anymore.
I will end your life right now.
All right, 72nd Street.
Where is Rita? She's looking at shoes.
We're two hours late.
Let's just forget it.
They already buzzed us up.
I bet we woke her.
Her parties go on all night.
I read it in Vanity Fair.
I actually did this time.
Good evening.
- Paul and Jamie Buchman.
- Yes.
Come in.
Paul Buchman.
You're on the guest list for tomorrow night.
Right.
Did you say tomorrow night? Yes.
The missis comes back from London in the morning.
- I don't know I could've sworn - Excuse us.
We're very sorry.
Are you two all right? Actually, I'd love to use the powder room.
Of course, dear.
Right there, in the back.
I've had a very rough day.
Would you like some tea? I would really love some tea.
Thank you.
I'd love some tea.
And a cookie? Make yourself comfortable.
I will be right back.
Excuse me.
- Is that actually his? - Yes.
- You're in heaven.
- I'm in heaven.
See? If there were a party, we'd have to talk to people we don't know.
You'd never get near this thing.
Do you believe where we're standing? What I would give to sit at this piano and play one note.
Well, go on.
- No.
No.
- Go on! - No.
It's not right.
- Says who? I don't know.
I just feel like I shouldn't.
Will you do it for me? "Life with no F is a lie.
" Life with no "Confucius say, but who will listen?" Now, this Here.
"Hats are wasted on a man with no head.
" Haven't I said that? My grandfather used to say that, and I wouldn't believe him.
"When in doubt, cut to the skyline.
"