Mad About You s03e13 Episode Script

All right.
How about this? No, no, no, no, no.
You can't throw that out.
It's been here since we moved in.
Vegetable medley.
Look at this.
Arranged by Henry Mancini.
Let's get rid of this.
You can't throw that out.
Why not? My father caught it.
Watch this.
Next.
Here.
We do not need this.
That's the top of our wedding cake.
We're not This It's not a scrapbook, it's a freezer.
No.
We will never eat this.
I--I'm gonna throw it out.
All right.
Fine.
I am going to.
Fine.
I am.
All right, but the medley goes back in.
All right.
All right.
* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine * They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time * I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan * All I have is you * So, darling, help me understand * What we do * You can whisper in my ear * Where we go * Who knows what happens after here * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! * I'm mad about you How are you holding up? Well, if I had two tongues, I'd be the happiest person in the world.
Second-happiest.
Hey, if we're trying to hold this down to 80 people, why are we inviting the Floyds? Because they're not going to come.
All right then.
Saved by the Bell? I can't help it.
It's just It's on so much.
I feel like if I'm not watching it, I'm doing something wrong.
What do you think of these plates? Be honest.
That's what you want to eat on? Lions with shields? Vines, bougainvillea, and pears.
Oh, my.
No, get it.
We'll-- We'll eat on those.
All right.
Now listen.
This is the band from Fran and Mark's wedding.
(WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW PLAYING ON STEREO) WOMAN: (VOICE CRACKING) * What the world needs now Why don't we just get Ira's band? Yeah, we might, we might.
Okay.
Now, forget that one.
Put it out of your head.
All right.
I just put sorbet in my ears.
I don't remember anything.
(WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW PLAYING IN LATIN JAZZ STYLE) What do you think? Sounds like the guy in the deli.
I promised him we'd listen.
That's the guy in the deli? Mmm-hmm.
Hey, where are you going? With Fran to pick out bridesmaids' dresses.
I told you, like, three times.
I know.
I know, I know.
But only when I ask do I actually listen.
You going to get your tux? Antonio, fastest tailor in the world.
Yeah? Says who? I did that whole documentary on him.
He told me, "If you ever need a favor" (PHONE RINGS) But you're going today.
Well, the wedding's not for three months.
If I went today, that would be like an insult to him.
Yes, Fran, I'm ready.
Sylvia.
Hi.
Really? You ran into the Wolfs? That's what you get for taking the shortcut.
She won't get that.
That was a little joke.
A Little Red Riding Hood thing.
Well, uh, yeah, I'm sure two more people will be fine.
Mom, we--we've discussed this.
This is not a swap meet.
You can't just invite everybody that you bump into.
She's out of control.
You're the one just finding this out.
I know.
Ma? Listen to me.
All right.
The Wolfs.
Fine.
But after the Wolfs no more.
That's it.
All right.
All right.
Bye.
That was my mom.
I love your mom.
No you don't.
I want to love your mom.
Well, go slow, and expect setbacks.
Meanwhile, your dad's gonna love me with these cigars I'm getting him.
You don't have to get him cigars.
Castro cannot get these cigars.
He already loves you.
Yeah, but he still gives me that look.
There's no look.
Oh, there's a look.
It's like, "I know what you're doing to my daughter, and I don't like it.
" Get him the cigars.
I'm getting them.
Hey, I thought we agreed you're quitting this? We also agreed to keep the guest list under 80.
There's no such thing.
It's either 12, 60, or the next stop is 1,100.
These are done.
Did you just lick the last one? Yeah, why? I take it all the way to the one yard line, then you come off the bench, and you get the touchdown? You can mail them.
Fine.
I will mail them.
Unless you don't want to mail them.
I will mail them.
Because that's it, you know.
Once these go in the mail, there's no turning back.
Come here.
I don't want to turn back.
(DOORBELL BUZZES) Because then I'd have to meet another girl and get her to like me, and I don't have that kind of time.
Have you been outside today? It's gorgeous.
What a day.
These guys played at Mark's cousin's wedding.
They're fantastic.
Stepbrothers.
Same mother, different father.
Talk to my florist? Tomorrow at 10:00.
Talk to my caterer? I left him a message.
She was using kiwi when no used kiwi.
How are you? Invitations? My department.
Who do you think turned us on to jicama? They are all signed and sealed.
Paul is going to mail them.
Except for yours.
Are you sure? Because once you give it to me, there's no turning back.
We're not turning back.
We have discussed it.
Bye.
Bye.
(SAVED BY THE BELL THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) This guy Screech.
I'm telling you.
When are you getting married? BOTH: March.
March.
Maybe you want more of a winter dress, higher collar.
No, I like this cut.
So, what does it cost to try it on? Because this is the one.
This is the dress I'm going to get married in.
You want two? I'll give you a deal.
Saul, why the hell would she want two? Listen.
I didn't put three kids through college by being quiet.
Sorry.
JAMIE: Hey.
Hi, Debbie.
Sorry.
Gary and I just had the worst fight.
About what? It doesn't matter.
Let me look at you.
Oh, sweetie, you look so pretty.
Sometimes wonder if it's all worth it.
If what's worth it? What? Hair? Up.
Veil? Traditional.
Train? Detachable.
Zipper or snaps? Buttons.
Buttons? Buttons? With my brother, you'll need a locksmith.
Wow.
JAMIE: Hi.
Look at my beautiful baby sister.
Mom.
Why is she here? She tricked me.
How did she trick you? She asked me where I was going today, and I told her.
Oh.
She's very sly.
Look at you.
Oh, someday it will be your turn.
Mom, I'm fine.
I'm going to give you one piece of advice, something my grandmother told my mother my mother told me, and now I'm gonna tell you.
Everybody and their mother is going to be coming up to you and wanting to give you advice.
Pay no attention.
You hear what I'm saying? Yes.
Hey, are these the invitations? Uh-huh.
Oh, can we see? Sure.
Oh, that's interesting.
Burt and Sylvania Buchman.
Son-of-a-bitch.
I always wondered what Sylvia was short for.
Tell me you didn't mail the invitations.
I didn't mail the invitations.
Thank God.
What? What does this say? "Gus and Theresa Stemple and Burt and Sylvia Buchman "request the honor of your" What does this say? "Gus and Theresa Stemple and Burt and Sylvia Buchman "request the" What does it say? "Gus and Theresa Stemple and Burt and Sylvania Buchman" Oh, God.
I mailed them.
You said you didn't mail them.
You told me to say that.
Where did you mail them? I mailed them on the corner.
On the mailbox? No, on the fire hydrant.
Wait, this show, it's, like, strangely compelling.
Would you come on? (GRUNTS) You know, my cousin's friend did this on Staten Island once? Pulled out a baby alligator.
Your mother's gonna hate me.
It's a typo.
I'm gonna be paying for that typo for the rest my life.
You're not wrong.
This is the worst design in the world.
I don't know how they expect people to get mail out.
All right.
Let me.
Let me.
Let me.
What are you doing? In my house, if something didn't work, you hit it.
Hi.
Hey, hello.
Hello, Mr.
Mailman.
Hello.
Postal worker.
Hi.
Do you prefer that, really? It makes no difference.
Listen.
We What happened is we have wrongfully put some mail in here, and we will be the happiest people in the zip code if we can get it out of here.
It's illegal.
No, I know.
But listen.
You give it to us, then we don't know you, you don't know us, this whole conversation never even happened.
I'd lose my job.
They're just wedding invitations.
Oh, you're getting married.
Let me give you a piece of advice my father gave to me and his father gave to him.
Wear comfortable shoes.
At the wedding.
All the time.
Why? Just tell me why? The man committed a felony for us.
How do we not invite him? You're worse than your mother.
Who, you mean Sylvania? We're now up to 88.
No.
No, he said his wife might not come.
Eighty-seven Do you think this is an omen? It's not an omen.
How do you know? First of all, omens are bigger.
We just said once we mailed the invitations that's it, that's the point of no return.
Now we have the invitations back.
It's got to mean something.
Boy, do you have to relax.
Listen.
Both of my sisters have had weddings.
Trust me.
It gets so much worse than this.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) I'm only upset that I wasted a quart and a half of perfectly good saliva.
Wasted your saliva on what? Nothing.
Why would you say it? Made a joke.
That's some joke.
I would have called, but when I call, you screen.
No, we don't.
It's all right, honey.
Listen.
It turns out that the Wolfs can't make it.
That's why you came over here? I thought you'd want to know.
That's great.
Now we're down to 85.
But on my way over, guess who I ran into? The invitations Please, don't read these.
Why not? Because there was a mistake.
What mistake? I should have listened to you in the first place.
I should have used your printer.
It serves me right.
I was just wrong, wrong, wrong.
But now I'm gonna call your printer, and I'm gonna have them redone, and everything will be fine.
What? That's a simple mistake.
I just hope it's not an omen.
Yes? No? PAUL: Whatever.
(POLKA MUSIC PLAYING) We can't dance to whatever.
I want your opinion.
We can't go with the Polka People.
Pass.
Pass.
Positively pass on the Polka People.
Ooh, that was fun.
Say that.
I don't want to.
Listen, just relax.
We still-- We still have a month.
We don't still have a month.
We only have a month.
Bands get booked.
Not Ira's band.
And we still haven't picked out our song.
Ira's got a whole list of songs.
Listen.
He's available and he's cheap.
Plus, use him, take him off the guest list, it brings us back to 109.
Great.
And vows.
We still haven't written our vows.
Vows we'll get.
Listen, I'm not worried about vows.
I'm starving.
We'll eat at the food tasting thing.
(DOORBELL BUZZES) We have eggs and batteries.
So I could make an omelet that keeps on running.
Hi.
Hi.
Feels like flatware.
Could be a serving tray.
Honey, it's our first wedding present.
Didn't I tell you? It's good to get married.
I need a signature.
Okay.
Well, they are RSVP-ing like crazy.
Oh, by the way, my wife can make it.
There's a relief.
You were worried about it.
Hired the band yet? No.
Clock's ticking.
You're married, right? Yeah.
So what are you doing to me? Look, look, look.
Ooh.
Ooh.
A little squat double-nosed bowl.
Honey, it's our gravy boat.
We wanted a gravy boat? I asked you.
Because we never have gravy.
We never had a boat.
She's right.
We use ours all the time.
You eat a lot of gravy, do you? Since we got the boat.
Look at this.
They're coming.
Who's coming? Everybody's coming.
Nobody's not coming.
Look, the Klines.
"They'll never drive down from Albany," we said.
Well, guess what? They're driving down from Albany.
They gonna take the Taughannock? What difference does make? The point is where are they gonna sit? Hey, hey, what happened-- what happened to quitting before the wedding? We still have a month.
No, no, we don't still.
We only have a month.
All right, all right, all right.
All right.
You're right.
No, now.
Now, now, now.
Good girl.
Good for you.
Do we have any cupcakes? And where did you find this caterer? She did Fran and Mark's.
She was good? No, which is why we went that way.
All righty.
Jamie and I discussed several menus and settled on what I think are some really lovely choices.
So to start, I was thinking of an array of puffed pastry stuffed with goat cheese, artichoke, or wild mushroom.
Mmm.
These are good.
They are.
As long as they stay hot.
Mom.
I'm just saying.
I mean, you wouldn't want to see these cold.
While on the other hand, shrimp start out cold.
Shrimp? Sure.
We had them at Deborah's wedding.
Remember, Paulie? The size of a baby's foot.
I can do shrimp.
No, no.
I like what you got.
I don't have to talk up for shrimp.
Shrimp speak for themselves.
I--I--I agree with Sylvia.
So then it's the shrimp.
Great.
Thanks, Sylvia.
Oh, okey-dokey.
All right.
She hates this.
She really does.
Okay.
Okay.
So far no one's asking the important meat question.
Which would be? Where is it? Absolutely right.
The man is a butcher, he has the right to know.
We just wanted something nice and light.
You know what's nice and light? Beef salad.
Beef salad.
Sure.
Sure.
Uh, Hillary, what do you think? Well, we had decided on the squab.
Squab? With a wild cherry glaze.
It looks like a pigeon.
A pigeon.
Honey? It's got a pigeonesque quality.
What's the difference between this and a pigeon? A pigeon's on a ledge.
This is on a plate.
Honey, you said you liked squab.
I know, but I--I thought it was gonna be a little bigger.
Why would you think that? Because it's squab.
You know, squab, squab.
It opens up in the middle.
Hey, I'm paying What have you got with blood in it? Mom.
Gus.
How about-- How about roast beef? Honey.
I think your father would enjoy roast beef.
You know, nobody ever went wrong with roast beef.
Daddy, I really wanted the squab.
All right.
So we have one squab and how many roast beefs? Well, we still have to decide on the cake.
Jamie narrowed it down to two.
Okay.
I'm going to be late for my fitting.
Can you handle this? I will handle cake.
Okay.
And you won't forget your tux? We'll do the tux.
Listen.
I'm going uptown.
Do you think that she would like a lift? That's all right.
You don't have to give me a lift.
Oh, so you don't want me to give you a lift? No, no, no, no.
I would love a lift.
Thank you, Mom.
Did you hear that? She called me Mom.
You don't have to do that.
This brings back so many memories.
I bet it does.
My tailor died this year.
Almost 30 years I was going to him.
Go find another tailor.
So tell me.
What are you getting Paul? For what? A wedding present.
I have to get him a wedding present? Nobody said you had to do anything.
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
Look at you guys.
Do you love it? Yeah.
Yeah, it's great.
What's not to love? Okay.
What's the problem? No, it's fine.
No one's gonna be looking at my hips anyway.
No, they'll be looking at where my boobs should be.
I feel like a lamp.
A what? A lamp.
A lamb? A lamp! Oh, that I can see.
You know who else won't look good in this? Sharon.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
What do-- What do we do? We really love this.
You do? Really? Everybody? Well, okay.
You should wear this then.
Really? Oh.
Er, Saul, so let me ask you something.
How much would you charge me to take in some slacks? Wait a minute.
You're telling me that her, this woman, she is not the teacher? This girl is a freshman.
I love this show.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, listen.
I spoke to Manuel.
He's gonna get the cigars in two weeks.
Right.
Right.
Now, these are the big ones, right? The El Grandes? Well, no.
No can do on the Grandes.
But he can get presidentes and executivos.
Executivos are what? Those are the thick ones? Well, they're thicker than the Grandes, but they're shorter than the Robustos.
He got the Robustos? Only in the Piccolini.
I don't want a Piccolini.
I didn't get the Piccolinis.
All right, all right.
I just asked you a simple question.
Well, everything's ruined.
I need pie.
That's 3.
14.
What? Pi.
Did you get a tux? I had a fitting.
Did it fit? Uh, it's hard to say.
Did it over the phone.
What do you mean you did it over the phone? He's that good.
Did you pick out a cake? Well, we narrowed it down to three.
When I left, it was narrowed down to two.
Hey, your parents almost had it narrowed down to five.
Okay, honey.
It's four weeks away.
We don't have cake, you don't have a tux, we haven't written any vows, we haven't picked out a band.
All right, all right, all right.
Relax.
Watch me help.
Ira? Yeah? You want to play at our wedding? Music? No, with Lincoln Logs.
Yes, music.
I thought you'd never ask.
Thank you.
All right.
Hired the band.
What's next? Fire the band.
What? How could you do that without talking to me? They were in contention.
I know, but we never They're very good.
No, they're not.
You've never even heard them.
It's Ira.
You know what? They're playing a gig tonight.
At least go hear them.
Where? Upstate.
Where upstate? What's the difference? A little bit upstate.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) Come on.
Music is music.
Listen, if they're good enough for felons, I believe they're good enough for our families.
They made us leave our shoelaces at the gate.
So? Hey, at Suki Hana they make you leave your shoes at the door.
You enjoy that.
Maybe we should have gone buffet.
All right, folks.
We're gonna take a little time off for good behavior.
(LAUGHING) Anyway, don't nobody go nowhere.
See? Everybody loves him.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen.
I just want you guys to know that, you know, some gigs, like this prison gig, it's just a check.
But when you're doing things, when you're playing music for people you love There will be a check involved though, right? Yes.
And by the way, if you want, I got a guy who can marry you for free.
Wait a minute, you got a guy who can marry us? Yeah, Lenny, the keyboard player.
He's a justice of the peace.
So people get married by a keyboard player? He does it all the time.
Oh, that's cool.
And yet we have a guy.
Ira Oh.
I also, I started working up a little, uh A little song list.
Color My World, The Alley Cat.
No, no, no.
Not the Hokey Pokey.
James, you got to have the Hokey Pokey.
That's what it's all about.
Ira Yeah? Well, you're, you know, you're the leader of the band, so whatever you say is what we'll do.
All right.
You're doing a good thing, you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Let's dance.
I don't remember, uh, signing up to dance.
Oh, come on.
Oh, my God.
What's that? We've never danced together.
That's not true.
We've danced plenty of times.
When? (CHUCKLES) All right, so we've never danced.
Look at you.
What? You're the worst dancer I've ever seen in my life.
I can dance.
No, you can't.
Not in the traditional sense, no.
I'm marrying you.
How did I not know this? Hey, I didn't know about squab.
So, we're learning.
Hey, a smile.
Man, I haven't seen that in some time.
This is the safest I've felt in two months.
Hey, you know, if we kill our families, (CHUCKLING) we could have the wedding right here.