Mad Dogs (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

I'm recording this for my daughters, Emma and Lindsay.
People are going to be saying But no matter what this looks like, you need to know .
I didn't do anything bad.
I didn't do anything wrong.
And I love you both very much.
I've never lied to you.
Sometimes shit just happens.
I love you.
And I always will.
You're a good person.
Just tell your kids you love them.
I don't I don't know if they'll believe me.
Be true to yourself.
That's all I've got to say.
Bax! Hey.
How's it going? Yeah, not bad.
It's good to see you.
I mean what kind of dickhead checks in luggage? The kind that doesn't want to get sweaty lugging it around.
You alright? Yeah, you? Good, Bax? Hey, Quinn.
Hey up! Hello, mate.
How are you? Beautiful.
Hey, Wood.
Come on.
When did you last see him? Er, a year ago? Haven't seen you for what is it? It's nearly a year.
Longer since I've seen those two.
We've been avoiding you, Quinn.
Yeah, when you did that second degree, we just thought, "What a cock.
" Here you are, look at this.
Bienvenidos a Majorca.
Yeah, I'll sit here.
Hey up.
Fucking hell, eh! Digital camera.
Not bad, is it? Thanks, Alv.
How can he retire at his age? What's he going to do? Eat grapes.
So basically, we're just celebrating him becoming a rich slacker, is that it? Hey.
Yeah, I'd love to help you, but I'm, erm I'm out of the business, aren't I? No.
Si, si.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Yes, he knows.
No, not even for Dominic.
Yeah, well, tell him thanks.
Gracias, for asking.
Alvo! Bienvenidos, amigos! How are you? You got any drink in? Give us a kiss.
Woody! Alright, Woods.
Alright, Bax.
How you doing? Quinny! Here we are.
Lucky dip.
First-come, first-served.
Mine, mine, mine! Makes you want to burst into song, Woods.
Maybe not.
Out! That moody? Like I'd wear a fake.
It's a nice one.
Cost a few bob? No, it was a present.
Blimey, who buys you presents like that? Someone who cares very deeply about me.
From me to me.
The watch, the villa, the ride all came from my sweat, my toil.
And infinitely resourceful business acumen.
I'm very rich, you know.
Well, here's to you, Alvo.
Here's to the next six days.
Pretty generous thing to do, mate.
Money can't buy real friends, Bax.
Buys you detractors.
But .
you guys have always been there for me.
And I really appreciate that, I do.
Nothing significant has ever been typed using thumbs.
But they're all at it! I gave away my cell.
I don't even have a computer up here now.
I read books.
I refuse to have a conversation with somebody who's going to sit there going neh neh neh Quinn's turned into our dad.
Alright, 50 quid says that none of you lot can go the next 24 hours without using your phone.
50 quid? Yeah.
You're on.
Let me make one more call And me.
and you're on, my friend.
Nina? It's me.
No, I'm not in jail.
No, it's good.
Hello, darling, it's Dad.
Very nice.
Yeah, he's good.
Put on a bit.
Yeah, I'm fine.
You OK? No, he looks well.
I'm just reminding you I'm in Spain this week.
Quinn's here.
I know you know.
He's confiscating the phones.
Yeah, cos he's a control freak.
Oh, you've got to go? OK.
Before you go If there's an emergency .
don't forget next weekend.
I left the number on the fridge.
Yeah, next weekend we're - No, it'll be fine.
Give them a kiss from me.
Alright, then, let's have it.
Lock 'em up and see who sweats.
He's shivering already.
How many Freudians does it take to change lightbulb? How many? One to change the lightbulb and the other one to hold my cock.
Mother! Ladder! That's alright, isn't it? Come on, Rick.
You're next.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Alright, a horse walks into - No, a whore walks into a bar.
Sorry, guys, Alvo, correct me if I'm wrong, but you've got something floating in your pool.
What's that? It's a dog.
It's a goat, innit? Look at it.
Sizzling like a big strip of bacon.
Mmm? Would you like me to massage some sun cream into your nuts? You think it just wandered in by mistake? Senor Hernandez? The pool man, Handy Mandez? The goat.
Oh, the goat.
You reckon the goat had issues? One too many San Miguels? Didn't realise how out of it it was and boom Straight in the drink.
Tragic misadventure.
Never to be explained.
He was the Brian Jones of goats.
Are you wearing Speedos? No, they're not Speedos.
They look like Speedos.
Nah, Nina picked them out for me.
I don't I don't think they're Speedos.
How is lovely Nina? She's good, mate.
She's great, thanks.
Do you ever think about, you know, like, her and Quinn That he used to go out with her.
That's nearly 20 years ago, isn't it? But he loved her though, didn't he? Do you think they still keep in touch? No way.
I was just going to go down the pool.
- In your Speedos? I just think she got the wrong size.
Are you happy? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Why wouldn't I be? No, no, I just wondered, I wondered if you ever regretted not getting involved with this.
You know, with me.
When you had the chance.
I don't really think like that, Alv.
Maybe you should.
Next time you're in your little office.
With its fluorescent lighting.
And vertical blinds.
And lumped hours.
I knew what you were I'm winding you up! I knew you were.
I could tell.
You've done You've done great, mate! You wearing Speedos? They're not Speedos.
Nina picked them out for him.
Sweet She does his shopping for him.
How is, Nina? Yeah, she's good.
Sends her love.
You scared the shit out of me, you arseholes! Hope nobody's watching, looks rather dodgy.
The dodgy ones go under the terrace.
I don't care for his aftershave.
Decomposition, the new fragrance from John Paul Gauthier.
Don't you think someone should say a few words? OK.
Goodbye, goat.
Yeah, that should do it.
Good luck, Woods.
Be honest, Alv, is there anything you miss about home? I'll have to think about that.
Watching Woody dig holes made me quite parched.
Be a mother, Bax.
Cerveza's in the fridge.
Woody's doing OK then? Yeah, apparently.
When he smiles he still looks like a retard, but hey.
Boy's a fighter, can't knock him.
How's the teaching working out for you? It's lecturing.
Same thing, isn't it? Hardly.
I'm not touchy.
It's different.
Only a pair of cretins would play tennis in the midday sun.
Alright, boys? Beat him like a Peter.
Sorry, Alv.
Lost a couple of your balls.
We would have looked for them but we were worried about a goat attack.
One's in the pool.
Well, don't worry.
One thing I'm not short of is balls.
I bet you are a bit of a dab hand at the old cooking.
What makes you say that? Divorced.
Two teenage daughters that you have to prove to them you can do everything their mum can.
What's it like being single .
again? Who says I was single? Yeah? Yeah, I'm single.
I thought so.
I never could get my head around you giving up the law, especially after all that studying.
I didn't work for me.
I bet you miss it though, especially the old money.
And for what? Selling antiques? Well, they're not - I know, I know, Asian artefacts, niche market, blah, blah, blah.
It's a bit fucking minty though, innit? In the end, I guess you've just got to do what you enjoy.
Boys? Hello? OK, whatever you want, on me.
You don't have to pay Yeah, we're not the poor relations.
Rick can afford matching luggage.
No, your money is no good here.
I'll have four lobsters, then.
I'll get the next one in.
We should take turns anyway.
Those of us that can.
I'll order for us, shall I? Bit of everything? Fish, some steak.
Surf and turf action? How's your Spanish? Que sera sera It's embarrassing isn't it, really? Everybody else in the world speaks two languages except us.
I suppose, historically speaking, it was always going to be easier for us to colonise them.
Rather that than learn another bloody language, hey? Drive on the left-hand side, this is a train, this is a cricket ball.
Now speak ruddy English.
I bet you miss the booze, don't you? Times like this? Out with your mates, having a laugh? You mean do I miss waking up covered in sick, not having any clue what happened the night before? Nah, not really.
I expect everyone asks you that.
Usually it's the ones who think they might have a problem themselves.
Still, it's cool, you know, having you as our designated drunk driver? That supposed to be funny? I didn't mean it like that, I just meant, you know What? Well, it's great.
That you've You're not drinking.
Just driving.
You could probably have one though, couldn't you? I mean, you are on holiday.
See your kids much? Erm They're at that age when having any kind of conversation with me is sort of just awkward.
There's nothing I can do or say that doesn't make them look like they're annoyed or embarrassed.
That's your job really, innit? Yeah, I suppose so.
We just don't seem able to connect any more.
Are they both at uni? Yeah, both at uni.
Mother lives in Edinburgh.
Just me rattling around in a big house now.
Here we go.
Ruddy hell! They're huge! Blimey, ask them if they'll race them.
Ask if we can ride them! They're still moving.
He's coming off.
Imagine what would be doing now if we were still in our twenties.
On the prowl! On the piss.
On the fucking brink! Not allowed to do that anymore.
Hey, hey! Let's go clubbing.
Bit of old school! Come on! No way.
Absolutely no fucking way.
You alright? Where'd you get that? Sweet Jesus! I feel like I've just relocated the keys to my chi.
I haven't done that in a long time.
It showed.
You know what? I think I've pulled my glutes.
So are we all, like .
middle-aged now, then? Speak for yourself.
How did that happen? It's like One minute, you're looking forward to everything.
And the next minute, you're looking over your shoulder And you go from thinking you're gonna live forever .
to thinking you've got a brain tumour every time you got a headache.
It's all green tea and fish oil from here on in, mate.
Meet the boys.
Alright, guys.
This is, erm, Laurie.
She's from Bradford.
I just thought I'd bring her back, have a drink, show her the mountains.
Mi casa su casa.
Mi casa su casa.
Come here, I want to give you a big kiss.
Ooh! Yeah, he's nice.
He's a good-looking lad.
Do you think we should say something? The guy is married.
We went to both his kids' christenings.
He obviously doesn't know what Rick! Rick! Ricky! What you doing? Hey? We're just having a drink.
What are you doing? Do you want one? You don't think he's going to - He's just showing her his matching luggage.
I'll just shut this.
Like it, don't ya? I do.
Ooh, shall we make a dirty video? Yeah, definitely.
They're my favourite kind.
What do you want me to do? Get them off then.
Now? Get them off.
Go on, don't be shy.
Let's see what you've got for me.
Ooh, here he goes.
Ooh! Ooh! Look at that! Is he a big boy? Is he a small boy? Let's have a look.
It is big.
Is it? Let's have a look at it then.
Don't be shy.
Go on, go on! Are you ready for him? Are you ready? I'm ready for him.
Ooh! Very good.
Whoa! Hang on! Whoa! Go on, give me a little dance I'll do a dance for you.
Come here.
Fuck! Oh! Put a sock in it! Put a sock on it! What you doing? I'm going to blackmail the little fucker.
Oh, yeah! Yes! Yes! Oh! Yeah! Shh.
Oh, I'm gonna fuck you so hard.
Si? Uno momento.
At three in the morning? I thought he'd retired.
Oh! Oh, yeah! OK.
D'you like it? Do you want it harder? Yeah? Fuck! Terminado.
Oh! Yeah! Yeah! No, no.
No, no.
Oh! Oh! Slow down.
You can understand me, speak English.
Oh! Oh! Oh! No.
Dominic, right.
Dominic said we were good.
I don't want to be in this fucking packet! Oh, yeah! Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fucking hell.
I'm not fucking having it! I don't know whether to drive it or play it.
You could start by turning it on, genius.
Bax, you want one? Yeah.
I'll take a cappuccino.
Isn't it supposed to be "I'll have a cappuccino"? Or is it the done thing to use the grammar of an American sitcom when ordering one's coffee? Wow, Quinn, sorry, I had no idea you were such a custodian of the English vernacular.
Cheers, Wood.
Or indeed such a wanker.
I'll make you a brew.
You lot were well lashed last night.
I think you've all been barred.
Yes! Two years clean and sober and the boy's still got it.
You're funny.
Did he tell you he was married? What? Rick.
He's married, he's got kids.
So? It doesn't bother you? He's on holiday, isn't he There you go.
Fuck me.
It's the ghost of arseholes passed.
Nice place, this.
Is it yours? I wish.
I bet it's yours, then.
What makes you say that? Dunno.
You look successful.
Well, it's No, it belongs to a friend of mine.
Rick, you want coffee? No, you're alright.
Check him out.
Part accountant, part member of Motorhead.
I'm not an accountant.
Oh I'm not an accountant.
I'm a financial consultant.
What's going on? Hairy dog.
No, with her.
What are we supposed to tell Nina if she asks about it? She won't.
What if she does? It's just an activity, Quinn, alright? Who made you the moral compass of the expedition all of a sudden? Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Look at the state of you lot.
And you are a naughty, naughty boy.
You got a number for a cab? I've got to get her home.
Yeah, there's a card on the desk by the phone.
Err Rick.
Una taxi Intercourse remorse, Rick? No.
Right, a bit of brunch, then we can either .
go round the oldest church on the island or take a look at the Botanical Gardens, which are actually really rather nice.
Calm down, Woody.
Or we can take out my mate's massive fuck-off boat and do a bit of deep-sea fishing.
Well, the botanical gardens are pulling me, I don't know about you.
Quinnalot? He'd prefer to look at the church.
Shut it, Woody.
Mopey! Because he's not getting any Out in front in half-an-hour and bring your cossies.
And Randy Pandy, don't forget to put lolita in her taxi, alright? Coming through.
Out the way, boys.
What's all that about? Mind your own business.
If something happened to Alvo, I wonder what would happen to his villa.
Mum and Dad are gone, never been married Alvo! If you die before us, can we have your villa? It's already yours, man.
Seriously, I put it in all your names.
When? Just before you came out.
Then if I fall off my moped, I know you're going to enjoy it rather than some corrupt local official.
You'd do the same for me, right? Who's this mate of yours? Jesus.
Izus? Izoos? What kind of a name is that? It's Serbian for Jesus, innit.
Well, now we go for a little walk.
I want you all to see my idyllic island up close and personal.
Is that it? Yeah, I know.
Ole! Ole, ole, ole! Alright, Rick.
Why don't you get one of these, Alv? Yeah, I might, Rick.
I might.
Here, pal.
Nah, you're alright.
So, he's a mate of yours, is he? This Izus, Jesus, No, he's a cunt actually.
Quite a lot of them are cunts out here, as it goes.
How come he lent you the boat then? No, he didn't.
What, so we nicked it? He put a goat in my pool.
He fucking nicked it.
Oh, I knew it! We nicked it.
You're fucking joking! Oh, boo hoo hoo! We're scared of getting into trouble! Boo hoo hoo! We want to go home! What a bunch of fanny merchants.
Oi, some of us have got responsibilities, mate.
Listen, Alv, turn the boat around.
Take it back now.
No, I don't want to.
Why are you being such a prick? You can't tell me what to do.
I'm the captain.
I'm Captain Prick.
Come on, Alv, enough's enough, eh? Don't worry! We're not really nicking it, you pussies.
We're just leaving it somewhere it will take Jesus a little while to find it.
Right, jump off, Bax.
Go on.
Jump off.
Woody! Chuck him the rope.
Hang on.
Sorry, mate.
Oi! Captain Pugwash! You going to pull us in or what? Alright! Alright! Fucking Woody.
I just had to flex a bit of muscle, show them I'm not to be pushed around.
So what are we going to do, Alv? Get a cab or something? A cab? Where do you see a cab round here? We're walking.
It's miles! We're all a bit knackered, Alvo.
And my glasses are bust.
"My glasses are bust" Quinn was telling me how we're not allowed to call him teacher anymore.
We have to refer to him as 'a lecturer' or he gets very upset.
I just call him sir.
Shit, shit! I've left me camera on the boat.
I'm not going back for it.
Do think we should go back, Alv? I'll just leave it then, shall I? Bax said you're lonely, Quinn.
That you're going into your shell, Is that true? No idea, Alvo.
He said you had an inability to form meaningful relationships.
I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
Mind you, maybe you're better off in the long term.
I mean, look at him.
She's taken you to the cleaners, hasn't she, the missus? Why would you say that? Who's got the house? The car? She needs the car for the school run.
And then there's the maintenance.
She hasn't just taken you to the cleaners, she's sticking your head inside the washing machine and making you sniff her dirty knickers.
We're just over this.
Why don't we just .
follow the road round? You're past it, mate.
Let's go.
I honestly think he's a bit cracked.
Maybe it's living here on his own.
He's got no mates, has he? It's like we're the only people he's got in his life and we're never around, so Come on! I knew we should have gone So speak English! Well, fuck off then! I don't care! No! Is he speaking to that Jesus? If he's going to carry on like this, I'm going home.
How? Just get on a plane.
Bit ungrateful, innit? He'd never speak to us again.
We've known him 25 years, we can't just fuck off and leave.
He just gave us his villa.
Maybe he just got over-excited because we're all here and he's just trying to show off.
We can stand up to him, you know? We don't have to do everything he says.
We're not fucking kids.
Alright, then.
We all stick together on this, OK? United front.
It's nothing too fancy, just, sort of, little Spanish nibbles.
To high-jinks.
On the high seas.
You, erm you going to go out on the pull again tonight, Ricky? Quiet night in, I think.
Alv, have you got any after-sun? Aloe Vera or something? After-sun? 'Allo, Vera Yeah, no, yeah.
Let's all go and moisturise.
So, Alv, who bought the business? Was it English company? You're not seeing anyone new yet, are you, Baxter? There's no lucky lady? You've asked me that.
What was that mad, crazy bird you saw last time you split up with your missus before you bottled it and went back to her? Brazilian! Brazilian, wasn't she? She was nuts.
Tasty, but nuts.
They're the best in bed, though, ain't they? You can't beat a bit of low self-esteem in the sack.
You know, cos they're like, up for everything! They're so grateful! I bet your Jenny, she was a bit like that, wasn't she? Why would you say that? Because she topped herself, didn't she? How much lower can self-esteem get? What? It's OK.
I know what he was trying to say.
Do you? Well, it's not like it didn't happen.
Talk about timing, though.
Just when you get clean, she offs herself.
Right, listen, why don't we change the subject? You do know he was going to leave her, don't you? That's the irony! You - Shut up, Alvo.
Whatever you say, man.
Whatever you say.
What shall we talk about them? What about Rick's little liaison? And now he's got to try and stop the Quinnster from telling Nina all about it, because, as we all know, deep down, he's still in love with her.
You're out of order, Alvo.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I don't need this.
Thank you for including me but I don't want any part of your villa.
Of course you don't, because you think you're better than me.
You always thought you were better than me.
Cleverer, smarter, and now, now, you can't for the life of you work out how I have ended up with all this.
And you have got exactly What do you have, Quinn? Come on, boys.
Let's take a breather.
I mean, we are on holiday.
Or we could just talk about what a total shitpile Baxter's made of his life.
There is absolutely nothing you can say to me that will have any effect.
You're a fraud.
Right? You want people to believe you're something you're not.
OK, come on, just get it all off your chest.
Spew it all out.
Let's hear it.
Isn't it fucking ironic that the man who has everything, underneath it all, is just a deeply unhappy human being.
Unlike you, Quinn, the person who has absolutely fuck all I want Nina back! What you banging on about her for? He's just had a little too much to drink.
Yeah, unhappy living like this Since when did happiness become about buying stuff? Listen, Alvo, I'd like my phone back now.
Look I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
The thing is, is I I .
needed you all to Well, I didn't need you, I wanted to see you.
No, I needed to see you.
This is This is my fault.
This is my fault really.
But, I mean, like, like I said Did I say that? Who are the people that you turn to? You know, when It's Tony Blair.
Tiny Blair, more like.
I don't know anything about a fucking boat, mate.
DNA! I'm like a walking fucking Petri dish of evidence.
You can't phone the police.
Sorry, Alv.
People don't get away with stuff like this.