Mad Dogs (US) (2015) s01e04 Episode Script


1 Papa loves you so much.
Helena I'm s I'm sorry if I'm not the, uh person that you wanted me to be.
Hey, Pop, it's Lex.
I'm not really sure when you're gonna be able to see this, but, uh uh, you remember I went on vacation to visit Milo? Milo from the neighborhood, who-who helped you and Mom, uh, get the condo? Don't let anyone stop you from being exactly who you want to be.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna stay here with him for a little while, and I just wanted to let you know where I am, so you don't have to worry.
There's, uh two life insurance policies in the bottom left-hand drawer of the desk, so I'm with Milo.
All is well.
Uh, Milo says hi, and take care.
I don't know what to say.
Just tell your kids you love them, that's all.
I'm not sure if they'd believe me.
Be true to yourselves.
Uh, excuse me is this the American embassy? Over there.
All right.
Well, how do we get down there? Leave your car there.
I keep eyes on it for you.
All right.
- Wait! Whoa! - What? I don't think we need the luggage.
I don't think I want to leave the luggage in the car.
I thought the whole point was to get the luggage - into the damn embassy.
- Yeah, and explain - who gave us the luggage.
- You don't think four men walking into the American embassy, carrying a duffel bag, might get misconstrued? Right.
You stay here with the luggage, Joel.
- Wait, Gus, Gus! - Keys, keys.
And hey, you know, just be careful what you do and don't say.
All right, all right.
Your friends leave you all alone then? Yeah.
It-It It's cool.
Yeah, baby! - Yes! - Right there! Hey, do you think they'll have a Starbucks in there? Nobody say anything until we know were are 100% safe.
Don't worry.
I ain't saying shit.
No cat in the well, no drugs, okay? In fact, we don't talk unless there's a legate present.
- Huh? - Like a Legal Attaché.
Come on.
There's gotta be somebody here.
United States government! Open the goddamn gate! Oh, shit! Oh, no! Fuck! No, no, no, no.
No car wash! No wash! Thank you.
Ow! Fuck! Stop it! Stop it! No wash! I think the car is really fine now.
Leave that man alone! I don't have any money, nothing.
I gave it all to the singer.
Oh, shit.
You gotta be kidding me.
Maybe we can just go to another embassy.
We can pretend to be Canadian.
I don't know.
Yeah, can no, no, it's okay.
How many times have I told you? You stay away from this area.
Hey, hey! There was really no need for that.
Every day she makes trouble.
The embassy's closed.
How can the embassy be closed? Said it's closed for some funeral.
- Dude, really? - Ambassador dead.
- What happened? - Caught a tropical disease.
- Goddamn it.
- Curse you - Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! - Curse you! I curse you and your car! - Let's go! - Crazy shit! - Let's go! - I'm doing it! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go, go, go! Go, go! Get out of here! - Let go of me! - Get out of here now! Look, we just, we go to the cops - I don't know, man - Yeah.
We ask to speak to the chief, the head honcho.
We tell him we have information about the murder of an American citizen.
We ask him to get the State Department on the phone.
Well, why don't we just call the State Department ourselves? What are they gonna do for us here, right now? Will they send a chopper? I don't know.
The FBI, then.
This is not white man's America, Lex.
Maybe we should try and speak to the security agencies back home.
They will tell us that we should go to the police and report the crime to them because they don't have jurisdiction here.
Look, we go report this crime, and we get them to bring the State Department into it for us.
Guys, we have the person that killed Milo in a well, okay? This is a no-brainer.
Even if we get held, we have all the evidence we need.
We have the boat location, money, murderer Yahtzee.
- He's right.
- They're not gonna kill four Americans inside a police station.
Come on.
Let's just go.
Just for my benefit, what's the worst that could happen? Worse case scenario What, they keep us in there and it takes forever and a day to un-wrangle? - I'll take that.
- Me, too.
- Chicken? - No.
No, no, no.
All right.
Oh, wait.
Should somebody stay with the luggage? We're across the street from a police station.
- I think we'll be okay.
- All right.
Let's go.
We'd like to speak to whoever's in charge of this this precinct.
Why? We need to report a crime.
Well, report it.
It's an international crime, so we'd prefer to speak to your chief of police, or whoever's in charge here.
You don't think I can handle it? No.
I mean, yes.
I What's the crime? I'm sorry.
Excuse me, sir - I said what's the crime? - Sir, sir, excuse me.
This is a highly sensitive matter.
Sit, over there.
Captain? Mmm! This here is Captain Moreno.
You wanted to speak to the person in charge.
What can I do for you? You, uh, you-you wanted to know about a a boat.
I'm sorry? You asked us about a stolen boat.
I'm not understanding.
Have we met? Someone's stolen your boat? You know, I be, I be, I believe that we, uh we-we made a mistake.
If you need to report a theft, please, my colleague will take the details.
Now I'm busy, so enjoy Belize.
Uh I don't get you guys.
Where are we going? - Airport.
- Oh, good call.
Yeah, what if she has people there to detain us? She's bluffing.
She's a dirty cop.
That's why she couldn't talk in there.
Trust me.
Nobody's going to stop us.
Thank you.
What should we do with the money? Screw the money.
Leave it in the trunk.
- No, no, wait a second.
- No.
I'm not getting busted carrying drug money through Customs.
Technically speaking, it's evidence, okay? To back up our story.
Maybe we can leave it somewhere Yeah, and then we can come back for it.
No, I was going to say inform the authorities.
Oh, shit! - Whoa! - What the hell? What are you doing? I can't go to the airport.
I don't have my passport.
- What? - My passport.
- I left it at the villa.
- So did I.
- Why? - What do you mean, why? Why don't you have your passport? Can we slow the fuck down, please! Who walks around with their passport in a foreign country? - I do.
- So do I.
Everybody does.
No, they don't.
They leave it in a safe in their hotel or-or somewhere secure.
Actually, you're supposed to make a photocopy.
You carry the copy around with you.
You leave the passport in the safe.
- Is that what you did? - No.
Look, I'm not going back to the villa, so those of us with passports, you can take to the airport Nice, nice.
And then you can go back and get yours.
Good solidarity, brother.
Thank you.
Okay, then you can just pull over, drop me off, and I'll take a cab.
Yeah, we said we'd stick together.
At Milo's grave, we said we'd stick together.
The furniture's shifted a little since then.
We are going back to the villa, we're getting the passports, and we're going to the airport together.
- End of discussion! - Yes.
Do you mind not speaking to me like I'm one of your daughters? All right, stop whining like 'em.
I'll just run in there, grab it, and run out, okay? Yeah, and run fast before Miss Crazy Cop decides to drop by.
Please stay in the car.
If you see someone, just honk the horn, okay? Gus! Watch out! Oh, shit! Holy! Oh, fuck.
We all okay? Did you see that thing? I'm never riding with you again ever.
What the hell was it? - A tapir.
- Huh? Joel, you all right? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- But you're bleeding.
Put your head back.
Put your head back.
They're the national animal of Belize.
Gus, are you hurt? I'm fine.
It's just my neck.
She cursed the car.
- You okay? - I'm good, I'm good.
Now how are we gonna get to the airport, huh? Don't worry about it.
We just hurry up and go.
We get the passports and call a cab.
Yeah? Okay.
You? - Yeah.
- I'm all right.
Oh, right, right.
Hey, hey.
Got everything? Got a tissue? You are literally the worst driver I know.
Come on, man.
I've just been in a car accident, okay? Back off.
All right, climb over.
Here give me a boost.
- No, I sprained my neck.
- Come on.
Geez hey! What the fuck? - Oh! - Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Did you do that on purpose? It was an accident.
All right, well, come on.
Hurry up.
I got a plane to catch.
Go! Should we check on him? He's been down there a long time.
So? Who cares? Well, us.
We need him alive.
We need the police to get a confession out of him.
We-We, We should at least give him some water.
He's in a well, Joel.
You know what I'm saying.
Go hydrate Milo's murderer.
You okay? I got you some water.
- You ready? - I can't find my passport.
Come on I can't find my passport He's gone! The fucking cat is not here! - What? - No fucking way.
Okay, I'm outta here.
I'm going to the Minimart, and I'm going to use the cash to pay for a cab to Houston and bribe border guards.
Anybody want to come with me, great.
Otherwise, sayo-fucking-nara! Wait Why'd you close the gate? I didn't close it.
What the fuck is that? Oh, no.
Gus, here.
I'm going over.
Give me a boost.
Stop! Don't move.
- Don't move.
- What? What is it? - Get-Get down! - Oh, God Slowly.
Get down.
Slowly Geez.
What? - Oh, shit! - Oh, God.
Where is it? Okay, okay Okay okay Where is it? - Oh, shit.
- Okay.
- Oh, shit.
- Get inside! Get inside! It's him! He's come back! What do we do? What do we do? - I don't know.
- The beach! And-and-and-and just keep going.
The beach goes into the mangrove.
Can we swim that? Can you swim faster than his boat? Okay, hunker down in, like, a panic room.
Which room? - The kitchen! - The kitchen! Go! - Shit! You okay? - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Shut, shut them.
Barricade that door, man! Oh, shit, shit! Do you think that's gonna stop anybody from getting in? I don't know! I'm a financial consultant! I'm not involved in a lot of sieges! What about this? What about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Come on.
- Two, three.
- It's stuck, it's stuck.
- Oh, fuck! It's stuck! - It's stuck.
- Shit.
Can we cut this? We need a big scissors or a - How about this? - Yeah.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Just don't hold onto the wire.
- Do it.
- Go ahead.
Whoa! Fuck! Okay, come on, come on! Hold on, hold on.
- One, two, three, go.
- One, two, three, go! - Okay, good.
- Okay, this is good.
That's good.
I am so, so sorry.
Morons didn't even search me.
Well, thank heaven for ineptitude.
All four of them are in the villa.
Well, two of them can't leave.
And you said they're the sort to stick together? I'm not so sure now.
They seem kind of ornery.
So no boats, no package.
They have a shitload of money, though, like millions.
They seem to think it was ours.
It was on the boat, presumably.
Now I'm fearing the worst.
You haven't heard the worst.
A police captain's got one of her men on the gate at the villa.
He's not gonna let them out of there until she gets what she wants.
Which, I assume, is the money.
You think it's hers? It's possible.
Anything's possible right now.
Fuckers! The embassy opens in 13 hours.
So what do we do? We just sit here until then? We have to get out, right? We have to get to the money and get downtown.
Without getting sniped.
Oh, my God! How dumb are we? Land line.
We just call out.
On a cordless phone connected to the power supply that we blew.
That's how dumb we are.
It's pretty nice.
- Milo's? - Hmm? The watch.
It's got to be worth at least 10 grand.
You plan on keeping it? I don't know.
You know what? You should take it.
Why? So I can always remember what you did to him? No, thanks.
It's on a pump.
No power, no pump, no water.
Hey, seven mini Cokes, one small water.
What? I'm dehydrated.
You've got one left.
I'll take one Coke, one water.
What if I want the water, huh? What if he wants the water? Have the water, Lex.
Oh, fuck! I'm all wet! What? Where's that coming from? What is it? Oh, it stinks! It's from the fridge.
It's defrosting.
It's disgusting.
Oh, perfect.
You're sitting in dead Milo juice.
Give me something.
Give me a towel.
Yeah? That opera singer was so beautiful.
I prefer the, uh, performance artist, personally.
You know, the one that broke the, uh, windshield.
You know the biggest difference between men and women? Ask any man what he regrets about his life.
He'll tell you it's the things he didn't do.
You ask any woman the same question.
They'll always say they regret something they did do.
If this is it, if it all ends, like, right now how would you feel? A little peeved.
What are you talking about, man? I have kids.
So do I.
You know what I keep thinking about? What people might find out about me if I don't come back.
And things might be misinterpreted.
Receipts or e-mails.
Nothing bad, but, just I didn't have the chance to explain it properly.
I'm supposed to be moving my pops into this Alzheimer's unit next week.
Sorry to hear that, man.
That sucks.
It's genetic too, right? You're a fucking asshole.
I'm sorry.
I'm not too familiar with the research, actually.
But I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
Say you could have your life over again.
Would you do it all the same? No.
Definitely not.
So it's true.
We all regret the things we didn't do when we had the chance, and we don't get to go back and change any of it.
It's fucked up.
- What's fucked up? - Life.
There's a design flaw.
Please, Lord I screwed up my life.
May I please have another shot? No! No, you, uh, you had your chance.
Now fuck off.
Still at least we've seen a tapir.
Captain? We haven't met, but I know your boss.
My boss? The assistant commissioner at Belmopan.
We go way back.
You want to keep things swift.
I understand.
Walls have ears.
Careless talk costs lives.
- What do you want? - The boat.
I think we both know how these things work.
You give me the boat, and in return, I'll get your money back for you and at the same time, take care of the four Americans.
You don't have to get your hands dirty.
All I'm really interested in is a package.
It's on the boat.
Get that back for me, and I'll pay whatever expenses are deemed appropriate.
Interesting that you think I can be enticed by money.
No offense, but I can only imagine how poorly your boss pays you.
Then you have no idea who my boss is.
If you did, I don't think you'd show your face.
However, I will tell Jesús you were trying to get your hands on his boat.
He'll be curious.
He has a a thing about hands.
What was that? Nothing.
She called me.
I never got in touch with her.
The first time was about a year ago.
The first time? Wait.
How many times did she call you? A few, more after we started seeing each other.
- Wait - Not like that.
We just met for coffee and then lunches.
- I didn't sleep with her.
- Well, I hope not, Joel.
Because that's fucking disgusting.
That is the worst thing that you can do, okay? There's a code between friends.
Listen to me She's my friend.
I've known her a long time.
Longer than you have, even.
She wanted advice She wanted to sit down and talk.
Sit down and talk? What, do you think I'm stupid, Joel? Guys don't sit down and talk.
We may call, if we have to, we may send an e-mail or-or a text, but most guys avoid all forms of extended discussion at all costs.
There is one exception, though.
If we think there's gonna be a fuck at the end of it, then we're all ears.
We'll listen to anything, as long as it takes.
Sit down and talk?! Don't insult me, Joel! Oh, fuck.
What the fuck? It's a goat.
Huh? A baby goat.
Goat sightings haven't exactly boded well for us lately.
Just saying.
You have one new message.
Message from Jesús.
The matter at hand must be concluded.
Don't make me wait any longer.
Captain, about that missing boat.
There's all the cays in the section of the coast to search in the first district.
You still want to come along? Yes.
You know, this guy had the best idea yesterday, when he was trying to make that deal with the cop at the gate.
I wasn't trying to make a deal with the cop.
I didn't even know what the fuck she was talking about.
Swear to me she wasn't offering you a way out.
No, sure, she was offering me a way out Hey, stop denying it.
It's not so much you're thinking of it.
It's the fact that you keep lying to us.
I'm not lying.
She kept saying Your whole life is a lie.
Milo slam-dunked you.
Your business is in the shitter.
You don't know a damn thing about my business come on! You didn't give up law! You got disbarred! Our buddy Cobi checked it all out.
What do you mean, Cobi checked it all out? I know.
The power of Google.
It's shocking.
Tell us it's not true, Gus.
Well, fuck this.
I didn't get disbarred.
The firm got sued for-for malpractice.
Some toxic, judicial fucker-be designed to profit somebody, somewhere, somehow, that was nothing to do with me, other than the fact that I was coerced to put my name on some documents.
Now, was that my fault? Damn right it was.
I fucked up, but what was I supposed to do, huh? Just get shitfaced and hope it all went away, like Lex? Just stuff my nuts in girls young enough to be my fucking daughters? Or just give up like Joel here? And so what if I didn't want you to know.
Who the f who gives a shit? I accepted my responsibilities.
Every single one of them.
Private school tuition, mortgage, household utilities, vet's fees, parking permits, the nanny's fricking gas money.
I tried to survive, so I borrowed, yes, Cobi, from you.
I took loans.
I refinanced my entire fucking existence.
And guess what.
I'm still trying to survive.
So don't even begin to claim any fucking moral high ground with me, you self-righteous, failing alcoholic, miserable misanthropic cunts.
Meanwhile, Joel is fucking my wife.
You know, I'm starting to understand why I used to feel like an outsider.
You guys deserve each other.
I spent God knows how long trying to get myself to a place of normality.
I hook up with you.
Look what fucking happens.
Let's just Let's just what, talk about it? Because you're a teacher and you know best, hmm? Because you're the voice of reason? Well, from over here, where I'm sitting, you're the voice of a lying, calculating fucktard! Nice.
Nice, Cobi.
Thank you.
It's well said.
I'm impressed, really.
While we're being brutally honest, which it seems we are, we're only sitting here 'cause of you, you fucking asshole.
It's basically all your fault.
Why is it my fault? 'Cause you left your fucking camera on the boat.
- Fuck! - Enough! Enough already! Jesus Christ! I think I'd rather take my chances out there alone than rely on any of you assholes.
How many mini Cokes have you had? Didn't we agree on two each? I-I-I had two.
I only - That's your third! - Hey! No, that's your third! - Hey, Lex! - That's your third! - That's your third! - Stop it! - That's your third! - Come on fucking That's your fuck! - Ow! - Oh, fuck! - Oh, you okay? You okay? - All this fucking - Oh, shit.
- It was him.
You know.
You all right, Cobi? You all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
All right.
Oh fuck.
Well done.
Well done, Gus.
What are you doing? Taking a walk.
They're not coming in.
They're just stopping us getting out.
I didn't hear you come in.
Catlike tread.
For the life of me, I couldn't remember the name of the drink you like.
Yeah, well, you got this instead.
It's cranberry and something or other.
I think it's called a Jewish Princess.
I don't have the boat yet.
A problem I'm facing.
"Make sure your worst enemy" doesn't live between your own two ears.
" Laird Hamilton he's a standup power board champion.
The problem I'm facing is that Jesús will assume that the American tourists stole his boat.
Ergo, not your problem.
But it could get a bit noisy.
Somebody else is looking for the boat.
Local police captain, Moreno.
So I wanted to ask if you could, you know, waylay her.
I like it.
- The plan? - The drink.
Might have to become a Jewish Princess guy.
Hit it? For the record, I haven't slept with Helena since you've been together.
She thought you were seeing someone else, and she didn't know what to do.
She didn't know if it was worth fighting for or not.
I told her I thought it was.
I probably should have told you at the time, but she made me promise not to.
So I'm sorry.
Keeps the mosquitoes off.
One day, you're gonna have to stop the loathing.
You know that, right? If not now, then when? What happened to you, man? How'd you end up like this? I mean, we all get kicked in the balls.
And all this time you spend angry and resentful about the past and trying to get back what you lost, you-you-you're really only just losing more.
At some point, you're gonna have to settle with yourself.
I'm just trying to be a friend, Joel.
Hey, are they shooting those at us? Are we under attack? Maybe they're trying to freak us out.
Yeah, well, it's working.
How about you get your asses back inside.
Do we have any of those DV cameras? What, you want to film the flares? No.
We'll wait for the sky to light up, see who's really out there.
Use the zoom as a telescope.
Use the zoom.
There! There! There only seems to be one look! No, there are three more.
Down! Fuck this guy.
Captain! Something over there! Wait for me there.
Fuck this guy.
If there is just one of them.
Even if there's two, there's four of us.
What if there's more? What if there's not? All we have to do is get past them.
Hey, it's getting light out.
How many bullets are in that thing? I don't know.
Hey, take that shit off.
No, stop It's not right.
Just thought it would make me feel better.
We have to give this a try.
You realize that, right? Cobi, I need you to set up the camera first.
I need to record something.
Can I just say I'm really scared? There's two life insurance policies in the bottom left-hand drawer.
Me, too.
Papa loves you so much.
Hey, Pop.
You remember I went on vacation to visit Milo? Milo from the neighborhood? Be true to yourselves.
Fuck 'em! Aah! What do you think? We can take him? - Yeah.
- Yeah, we can take him.
Go, go, go! Get out of here! - Who do you work for? - Don't shoot! I have a vest! I have a vest! - I have a vest! - What? What do you want? What do you want? I have lost luggage for Mr.
Gus Givens.
- Okay.
- Don't shoot me, please! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, sorry.
- Sorry, man.
- All right.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, get up.
We won't hurt you.
- Slow.
- Got your bag, Gus.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
We won't hurt you! We're not gonna hurt you.
Here, give me that.
You need to sign here.
Sorry, pal.
And also here.
Hey, man, look, I'm just really sorry about what happened, all right? Thank you for flying with us.
Have a great day.
How long till the embassy opens? I don't know.
Maybe we should clean up first.
He's got a van.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, ho! Hey! - Hey, we need a ride! - Stop, please! We need a ride! You stupid, arrogant men! I gave you every chance to tell me the truth, but instead lies, some more lies.
You told me your friend was in Guatemala, but no, your friend is dead.
Of course, you know this because you kill him.
No! You got it all wrong! No, no, listen, ma'am.
Please let us explain.
Explain? No, now it's too late.
- No.
Wait a minute.
- You don't understand.
You can have the money.
Oh, I can have the money? You're so kind.
We got it.
It's here.
It's in that room right there under the bed.
You just take it.
We'll go.
You're never gonna see us again.
We're never gonna say a word about this.
We only took that by accident anyway.
Thank you so much for allowing me to have the money that you stole from Jesús.
- No, no, no! - Wait, wait, wait! We are innocent men! - We're Americans! - Hey, just wait! Uh Milo, he left us this villa.
It belongs to us, but you you can have it.
It's yours, okay? Enough lies.
Which of you will die first?