Mad Men s04e06 Episode Script

Waldorf Stories

The cure for the common bus.
" "La-Z-Boy.
The cure for the common chair.
" "Budweiser.
The cure for the common beer.
" "Manufacturers Hanover Bank.
"The cure for the common bank.
" How about, "Alka-Seltzer.
The cure for the common cold"? "The cure for the common cold" is the idiom I'm playing off.
It's an idiom.
Did you know that? So other than your summer internship at Needham, do you have any actual advertising experience? "The cure for the common chair," that's Roger's favorite.
Roger Sterling.
He's the guy I shook hands with when I came in.
What did Roger think of this ad? What, are you kidding me? Everybody loves that.
It's the opposite of what you expect.
That's what I'm interested in.
Why is it in your book? I've got a bunch of them in there.
Marlboro Man, Maidenform.
I like to put in work that I admire.
Don't you ever tear things out of magazines? Yes, but I don't put them in my book.
Well, you know what they say, "Aspiration's as good as perspiration.
" That's not how it goes.
Look, I'm a 24-year-old kid.
I want to be in the ad game.
I know I've got a lot to learn, but I'm a hard worker.
I'd sweep up the floors around here.
I don't know if Roger told you that.
He did talk to you, didn't he? He did.
It was really a pleasure to meet you, Danny.
-I wish you the best of luck.
-Best of luck in what? -What do you mean? -You trailed off.
We'll let you know.
Do you know a good place to eat around here? Tell my secretary you're hungry and see what she suggests.
I don't work for you.
Are we on Candid Camera? I don't want to jump on his grave or anything, but there's no way he's 24.
I'm 25.
What's his connection to Roger? Besides being delusional? He's Jane Siegel's cousin.
It's a relief to see someone worse than me and really know it.
Don't get used to it.
Well, you know, I look at Glo-Coat and see how far everything's come.
You know, my work.
You finish something, you find out everyone loves it right around the time that it feels like someone else did it.
Is that your speech for the CLIOs? They don't have speeches.
We're going to win.
Just because I got nominated doesn't mean they're going to give me an award.
-Aren't you excited? -I try not to think about it.
Then you must be excited.
Well, it'd be good for the agency.
Grey doubled their value in five years and it was all based on awards.
You got anything on Vicks? -Actually, it's Vick Chemical.
-Answer the question.
We're very behind.
Your new art director has been waiting for synchronicity, which involves me coming up with a bunch of ideas, chasing him down and having him draw all of them and lose them.
He's your new art director, too, and you have a deadline.
And don't think you can spend Monday hiding behind corners and trying not to make eye contact.
I will find you.
I'm not the problem.
You are, because Stan is talented and more experienced.
You need to learn how to work with him, not the other way around.
Well, good luck this afternoon.
You're not supposed to say that.
Well, break a leg.
Charlie Chaplin was very lonely.
That Tramp, too much of a sad sack.
Laurel and Hardy, they were better, except Hardy was so mean to Laurel.
I hated that.
Why am I talking about silent movies? I suppose as part of the chapter on your childhood? That part of my book is getting bigger and bigger.
Why is that? Who is it? I thought I should come in and tell you this in person.
That kid, a very, very cute prank.
Caroline, to be continued.
That's a good idea.
I've been to the CLIOs before.
We're gonna want to show up prepared.
His book, it was filled with old ads.
Plagiarism, that's resourceful.
He had five originals, they were all the same thing.
I told him to be himself.
That was pretty mean, I guess.
-So when does he start? -The first of never.
Well, you haven't been married for a while, so you've probably forgotten how these transactions work.
If I don't hire Jane's cousin, it's probably going to cost me a personal gift expenditure of between $500 and $1,000.
-When are we leaving? -Right after Life Cereal.
To new business.
And victory at the Waldorf.
I mean it.
You deserve it.
So, I can show you what's popular, what's unique, and the only thing I ask is that you call me Don.
Well, Don, I can't say I know my furs that well.
I know my mother had a Chinchilla, I was always on the verge of a romantic relationship with it.
-Is this for your mother? -I bet you never hear that.
I don't.
Would you like to give me a price range? That's an interesting question.
I have a unique problem.
I need to spend a lot, but be careful not to spend too much.
Not a unique problem.
And I don't want to be forward, but can I assume this is some kind of an apology? No, no, no, I know exactly how much that costs.
This is, "I'm getting to know you, but I don't want to scare you.
" I know what we're gonna do.
So now it's "we"? It's always the right size and nothing says mink like mink.
It's a nice way to ease into things, and you can always come back for the rest of it.
How about we split the difference so they wear them to their waist? It's the most popular this year.
That's a dumb question.
Who does your work? -I do.
-Really? Yeah.
It's an interest of mine and they let me do it.
Look at that.
Can I give you a call? First of all, you need 20 of those.
And second of all, no.
I just want you to call that number so I can give you some very specific delivery instructions.
Of course, Mr.
So what do I owe you? I saw you leave the office with something under your arm.
You don't know what it is.
The guy in the elevator thought it was a hydrogen bomb.
It's a beautiful box.
Skip the radio play.
Open it.
Roger, you shouldn't have.
-You like it? -I don't know what to say.
Try it on.
But first, take off the dress.
One gift at a time.
What is this, an owner's manual? It's Noah's Ark.
It's out of line is what it is.
So? I love it.
it's perfect.
And I think it's a bit much.
If you don't kiss me after that, I'm gonna believe you.
When I Wear it, I'll think of everything that happened the night I got it.
Caroline! Get in here.
I think I finally have a work story.
Joan! What's keeping them? Life.
When do you have to leave for the CLIOs? I was late for the Emmys last year.
Red Skelton gave my seat away.
I'll surmise, due to the usual nature of your stories, that that's someone of note.
The good news is our friends at the cereal company have been grounded in Philly due to wind.
What's good about that? And the bad news is we only have an hour before we're due at the CLIOs.
Sorry, kids.
Game called on account of wind.
If it's all about a send-off, I'll have a 7&7.
You have legs.
Don? Make it simple, but significant.
It's Friday.
For all we know, they're going to turn around and go home and we'll have to reschedule.
Is Joan going with you? Yes.
We only had four tickets.
There'll be a lot of other people's clients there.
-Thank you, Joan.
-Peggy, anything? I have work to do.
”We represent the majority of the people in Alabama "who hate niggerism, Catholicism, ”Judaism and all the 'isms' in the whole world.
” So said Robert Creel of the Alabama Ku Klux Klan.
Somebody got it to Goldwater.
Apparently he pissed blood.
”he needs our help.
" This again? Really? Clara asked.
Clara asked to see your reel? I just wanted to see that Klan one.
He said it never aired.
Which makes it less impressive, Clara.
Girls, do you mind? Well, all the girls are gone.
What do you want? Are you going to use the KKK to sell cough drops? It's better than waiting on you to bring me something that'll get my juices flowing.
Should I get Megan back in here? Maybe she's not repressed.
Why's it so hard for you to accept that man's natural state is nude? Because I'm civilized.
Because you're brainwashed by society into thinking it's dirty.
You take away all this crap and you'd see it's not.
It's natural and it's beautiful.
Have you been yelled at by Don yet? -I'm not scared of him.
-So that's a "No.
" He said Monday, and I'm not working this weekend.
Okay, okay.
Are you on the rag? It'll get done.
Let's go.
Well, I'd say you're lucky the Glo-Coat brass isn't here.
The minute you win they know the ad's arty, and then you're out of business.
Turns out there's almost 50 awards.
Let's say 10 minutes apiece, that's Holy crap.
Roger, you remember Ned Elliot from K&E.
Of course.
What are you in for? New England Merchants Bank.
Best local under $2,000.
Stop bragging, will you? Good luck, Don.
Well, well, if it isn't Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm.
Leave any drinks for the rest of us? Don Draper, Roger Sterling, this is Major-General Frank Alvin.
Roger, have you had the pleasure of meeting Ted Chaough? Is that how you say it? C-H-A-O-U-G-H? Hey, writers, how many extra vowels is that? Let's head due south, General.
Boy, I hope this doesn't drag on like last year.
Oh, wait.
You weren't here.
General Rufus T.
I've met that guy before.
-In the war? -No, in a commercial for Bay Rum.
Chao-guh-guh hired an actor to impress someone.
Last time I saw the General, he had a parrot on his shoulder.
That was not a business proposition.
You catch more flies with honey.
Great, actual flies.
Phillip, how are you? -You remember Joan Harris.
-Nice to see you.
Cosgrove, nice to see you again.
I'm surprised he would bring you over here.
You know, we miss Birds Eye more than we miss Kenny.
Well, that's why I wanted to say hello.
-I hear the old team's getting back together.
-What team? Phil, that's not a sure thing.
Well, I'll say this about Geyer, they don't have Don.
Take your seats, please.
Well, we should sit down.
Good luck.
Judas priest.
Are we merging with Geyer? Talk to Lane.
Welcome to the Sixth Annual American Television Commercials Awards.
We 're here to honor creative excellence in advertising and design I just ran into Ken Cosgrove.
Don't talk to me right now.
And I do mean everything.
I don't know if it was that funny but thank you.
I have to tell you I am very impressed you got this gig.
Well, thank you for making it easier.
Wally, it's me.
You know, when I was coming up at Y&R, you were very inspiring.
Raymond Rubicam said you were a genius.
It's great to see you.
I mean, actually alive and everything.
Get your hands off me.
What's with the French service? God! I miss working with that guy.
I feel like I've already won.
Well, i'm afraid that'll be the limit to the public speaking portion of our show.
And, gentlemen, let's pace ourselves.
In the first category, that of apparel, the nominees are That's five.
If you really worked on the Johnson campaign, why are you here? Because nobody at DDB even keeps track of who does what, except the daisy ad.
Big deal.
The Klan is probably the best thing I'll be near my entire life.
Well, let me tell you, I had a lot to do with Glo-Coat.
A lot.
The idea, especially.
The kid? Don put the whole cowboy thing on it.
I don't know if it was that revolutionary.
It was jarring, but more cute than I like.
I know I'm not supposed to go, but when the nomination came in, Don let everybody pat him on the back.
He didn't even look at me and I was I was right there.
And I was clapping and he thought I was clapping for him.
Who claps for themselves? Okay, I'm gonna riff for a few minutes and just sort of speechatize the whole Vicks experience.
Should I come back when you're through? No, toots, grab a pencil.
Someone's gonna want to get it down before it heads into the Stratosphere.
Why don't you write down my ideas? Look, I read your brochure.
I have no interest in the Temperance Movement.
-Thank you.
This is Byrrh on the rocks.
Be the first on your block to serve Byrrh on the rocks.
And now for best Cleansers, waxes and polishes.
-This is us.
-Glass wax sprays "Gobbles Up Dirt, " Campbell Mithun of Minneapolis.
How do I look? -Great.
-One Step Floor Care's "Bus Stop, " BBDO.
Glo-Coat, "Billy the Kid, ” Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.
And Pledge, "Runaway Chain " Benton and Bowles.
And the winner is Glo-Coat, "Billy the Kid, " Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.
-Congratulations, Don.
-Thank you.
-Next up, competing in the category of.
-Let me see it.
-Thank you.
-What's going on, dear? -Well, I ran over because the people from Life Cereal rented a car and now they're waiting at the office.
-Right now? -We'll reschedule.
Maybe I can convince them to stay for the week.
No, no.
They want to see our presentation.
What do you say we put a cherry on this thing? -Aye aye, sir.
-Really? So the Schusters move into what used to be the Harrington house.
Meanwhile, Betty gets extremely jealous when she sees Allison dancing with Rodney at the after-party.
But then Michael asked Betty to dance with him and also dances with Claire and that is all I can tell you about the next few weeks of Peyton Place.
-How the heck do you know all this? -They send me the scripts.
I need to see them.
it's my job.
I can't believe Connie goes through with their wedding.
It is a surprise.
I agree.
What more do I need to say? -it's heavy.
-Don, you remember Jim and Dennis, glad you could make it.
I can't thank you enough for waiting.
Don't think about it.
We've been unwinding as Mr.
Crane ruins Peyton Place for us.
Let's get to it.
-Roger, thank you.
-I'll be on my way, but first, victory lap! Come on, Don, Pete, Crane, Jimmy Olsen! Wrap it up quickly, gents.
We have an after-party to attend.
Thank you, Roger.
-Is everyone set? -That's one word for it.
Joey, you didn't start without me, did you? No, Don.
I would not do that.
Okay, everybody ready? So Life Cereal, delicious, crispy and it's got a big name, you know.
And I know you want to associate it with health, but that's not fun.
Joey? You know what? I've got it.
Look, there are sweeter cereals than this, but I kept thinking about, you know, nostalgia.
How you remember something in the past and it feels good, but it's a little bit painful, like when you were a kid.
-That's the truth.
-And "Life," that's a scary word to anyone at any age.
So how do we make it fun? "Eat life by the bowlful.
" Little kid, big bowl, big spoon.
Kids see the giant bowl of cereal and they smile because, you know, they'd eat a box of it if they could.
And moms see it and they get this twinge of how little their kid still is, even though they have to deal with life.
Get those two together in a market and I think we're going to sell some cereal.
That's all I have.
I think if you'd invite us into the rest of your company, we could build a Saturday morning TV show around the whole Quaker Oats family.
In fact, it could be called The Quaker Oats Family.
I like the bowlful, but I think it's kind of smart for regular folks, you Know? The irony, I guess.
Children will get the picture.
Moms will get the irony.
Yeah, but when I go back to Chicago, all they're gonna wanna hear is a slogan, and I don't think this is gonna cut it.
Well, why don't we let Don work that over? We can either talk on Monday if you're staying the weekend or we can come see you in Chicago.
I've got it.
I've got it, Pete.
How about "Life is just a bowl of Life Cereal.
" "Life is sweet.
" "Enjoy the rest of your Life Cereal.
" Don, they're not expecting you to do this right now.
Give me a second.
The reason to get out of bed in the morning.
" "Life.
The cure for the common breakfast.
" "Life.
Its sweetness never ends.
" -"Life.
Eat it by the bowlful.
" -There you go.
"The cure for the common breakfast.
" -Love it.
-It's got the health angle.
Life makes you feel better.
It's got protein.
Very nice.
That dog will hunt.
We'll get that put together for you.
-Should we discuss media? -I can keep going.
I think we've got a home run.
We don't need to take up any more of your time.
I Know you have some celebrating to do.
I don't know what to say.
This is the most fun I've ever had in New York.
Anytime, fellows.
Very good then.
Roger, I'm done! Let's go! Can I speak with you a moment? -Got anything on Vicks yet? -I really need to talk to you.
-You still have nothing? -The tagline Do you think I'm joking when I give you a deadline? -You said Monday.
-Ida, book a nice room with a lock on it for Misters Olson and Rizzo.
Bill it to Vicks.
-Don't come out until you have something.
-Are you kidding? Pete, we'll walk them out.
Do you want to pick a place or should I? He wasn't serious.
It's the weekend.
We'll work in the office.
Do you want me to go chase him down to see if he's serious or not? Go get Stanley.
-I need to speak with you.
-Not now.
-Lane, may I? -Come in.
I'm only going to ask once.
Are we merging with Geyer? -No.
-Really? Well, I ran into Ken Cosgrove and Clarence Birdseye at the CLIOs.
It came to me that Mr.
Cosgrove was unhappy and that he and his choice clients would be a welcome addition to the firm.
Over my dead body.
I apologize.
It was wrong of me not to consult you.
-I wasn't sure -Wasn't sure about what? Whether to go behind my back? I'm a partner, damn it.
I have the same status here as you.
You've never liked me.
You picked him over me to begin with and now you expect me to work with him again? Approval denied.
Roger Sterling is a child, and frankly we can't have you pulling the cart all by yourself.
Ken is proven.
He's hungry, and he has accounts.
Birds Eye, a beverage called Mountain Dew and Fillmore Auto Parts, which has entered the national arena.
He would more than pay for himself.
Does that put you at ease? What would put me at ease is you and Madame Defarge not plotting behind my back.
Still, I expect pragmatism from you.
We share that.
Cosgrove and I are having lunch on Monday.
If your tantrum has subsided, you're welcome to join us.
-I'm going home.
-And on a personal note, I'd like to add that I'm quite fond of you.
It pains me to hear you say otherwise.
Get that thing in here.
You're not flying tonight, are you? No, it's been years.
I bet.
Name some aircraft for me.
-No, wait.
Who do you report to? -The president.
-Of what, William Morris? You know, one of these decorations is for shutting up loudmouths.
It's a pleasure to meet you, General.
Enjoy your evening.
-Don, congratulations.
-Thank you.
You, too.
We're the top of the heap.
-The heap of what? -I know they give out 50 a year, but I've got to say, it doesn't get any sweeter than this.
Roger, buy Ned a drink.
There you are.
Your mom called.
She's looking for us.
It was very nice meeting you.
-What are you doing? -Rescuing you.
From what? A business opportunity? Did you see the part where I won? No, but I heard about it.
They're gonna put your picture on a dartboard at Grey.
What's their problem? Grey won.
Everybody won.
That's not true.
And just think how you'd feel right now if you lost.
About the same, I suppose.
It doesn't make the work any better.
That's very healthy.
Award or no award, you're still Don Draper.
Whatever that means.
You're incredible.
You smell good.
Is that right? What do you say we get out of here and really celebrate? I think you're confusing a lot of things at once right now.
I'm very happy for you.
Are you calling to give him an update? I'm calling him about something completely unrelated to you.
I Know you have a special relationship.
-What does that mean? -What? Not that.
Jesus! Of course not that.
Do you think he'd be caught dead with you? There's wallpaper more exciting.
But I know you're his favorite.
I bet he takes you hunting and lets you carry the carcasses in your mouth.
Are you gonna work or just stare at pictures of women who can't stare back? You wouldn't understand, but this inspires me, opens my mind with freedom.
So why aren't you a nudist? You talk about it all the time.
Well, in a liberated environment, I would be.
In the presence of the Pope or say, you, it's difficult.
You don't know anything about me.
I know you're ashamed of your body, or you should be, at least.
What are you doing? You're lazy.
And you have no ideas.
-Really? -Yeah.
Let's go.
You're a fruitcake, you know that? And you're chicken shit.
I can work like this.
Let's get liberated.
What are you waiting for? Just Let's talk cough drops.
What you got? I'm thinking.
About what? Don't flatter yourself.
it's involuntary.
Maybe it was left over from the magazine.
Now I don't think it's that hard to convince people that cough drops are medicine, especially when they taste like it, right? So you're really gonna leave me alone with all these naked gold women? Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt.
You're not interrupting.
That man over there, I saw you talking before.
-Is that Don Draper? -Yes it is.
-Is he attached? -To that glass? Absolutely.
He's pretty proud of himself.
Well, it's a big day for him.
It's a big day for all of us.
Especially you, okay? Well, they don't seem to give awards for what I do.
And what is that? Find guys like him.
You've crossed the border from lubricated to morose.
Good night.
-Do I know you? -it's Don.
Don Draper.
Heller's Luxury Furs.
The fur guy.
-What are you doing here? -I have a meeting in the building.
I saw you standing here and I thought I'd say hello.
Really? Name one other company in this building.
I'm sorry.
It's just I've left some messages for you.
And I've ignored them.
That's my message for you.
I just wanted to know what you thought of my portfolio.
I threw it out with the box from the coat.
That was a bad idea.
Maybe it was a bad idea, but weren't you trying to get a break once? Where does your boss think you are right now? He knows I want to do what you do.
And what do you think that is? I think you're a very important man in a very important agency.
Maybe I am risking my job, but I'd do anything to buy you a drink and hear anything you have to say.
It's 10:00 a.
My mother always said, "Be careful what you wish for, "because you'll get it, "and then people get jealous and try to take it away from you.
" I don't think that's how that goes.
You're an expert on everything, right? And how can I hire you? You know too much about me.
You know I've been discreet.
Once you say that, you're not discreet anymore.
I got to get out of here before they open for lunch.
This is embarrassing.
I'll buy you lunch.
I'm stuffed.
I had a jar of olives.
And you're a great fur guy.
I'm gonna need one of those.
Let me get you a cab.
You should go home.
So you use cough drops when you're sick in bed, on a car trip, at the movies and in church.
Anything you'd like to add? -What? -This pencil's a little dull.
Maybe I should dip that thing in some ink and write with it.
-Stop looking.
-I thought it might make it go away.
You know what? Fine.
Are we getting dressed now? You can do whatever you want.
I don't care.
But you do.
Fine, you win.
Win what? Win the prize for the smuggest bitch in the world.
I got to take a leak.
Hey, Rizzo! I'm hungry.
Do you want anything? What did you win for again? Cake mixes and toppings.
I wrote the jingle.
Can you hum a few bars? That sounds familiar.
So you finally decided to pick up the phone? -Where the hell are you? -Who is this? It's me.
Where the hell are you? It's noon.
You were supposed to be here two hours ago.
The kids are sitting in the den watching TV, waiting for someone who is obviously not coming.
I know you don't care that Henry and I were supposed to go to a very important brunch, but I can't get Carla anymore.
She's in church.
-I'm coming on Sunday.
-It is Sunday! I'm really sorry, Betts.
I'm under the weather.
Well, thank you for the notice, Don.
Thanks a lot.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
Everything's fine.
I can't believe we slept so long.
Is that yours? No, it's yours.
I'm really sorry.
I have some things to do.
I forgot about them.
You said you were gonna take my picture and you never did.
-When did I say that? -I don't know.
Somewhere around your third order of French Fries after your sister left.
My sister? Was that her on the phone? -No.
-Don't lie to me.
it's okay, Dick.
Listen, I don't want to get in the middle of anything.
Look, I'm really late.
-I should get ready.
Do you mind? I had a great time, Doris.
I'm really sorry I forgot I had plans.
All right.
I'll see you around, I guess.
Are you okay? I tried to call you Friday night, and yesterday it rang and rang and today it's busy.
My phone's not working.
Can I come in? What's the problem? I know you don't want to hear this, but the Life Cereal tag you sold, it was that kid's.
Roger's idiot.
"Eat Life by the bowlful"? We worked on that for weeks.
No, "The cure for the common breakfast.
" You changed it in the meeting.
I don't think so.
I know I've gotten stuff stuck in my brain before and you don't know where it's coming from.
It's that kid's.
-Are you sure? -Yes.
Call Life and tell them it's terrible -and we changed our minds.
-They loved it.
It's terrible.
Well, neither you nor the client was in a condition to notice.
Think of 10 more tags.
I've been working all weekend with that pig in that stupid hotel room.
I am tapped out.
What hotel room? You have to bring him in right away.
Fix it.
Cosgrove is on his way over.
I've added you to our reservation.
When he gets here bring him to the conference room.
and he's coughing and everyone's staring at him, including the priest, then he sucks on a Vicks.
It's good.
-it's pretty much how I pitched it.
-That's true.
I only changed one little thing.
Good morning.
Call the Pen & Pencil, see if someone found my award.
What's the category? Best actress.
It's a CLIO.
They told me to wait here.
Your little friend is waiting.
Listen, Danny, I've been thinking about things and there was a slogan in your book, "The cure for the common" something.
-Bus, beer, chair? Which one? -All of them.
I'm gonna give you $50 for the idea.
You liked it, huh? What did I just say? I'd like a job.
Fine, $100.
It'll be freelance work.
Do you know what that is? Yeah, it's not a job.
I don't have to buy it.
I could just use it.
Take the money.
I don't need money.
I need a job.
You wouldn't even be in this room if you weren't related to Roger.
But I am.
it's all I have.
That and my ideas.
This place is fantastic.
Lane, could you leave us, please? Certainly.
I've given this a lot of thought.
Me, too.
If you're open to the direction and tenor of the business I'm doing here, I think you'd be a great addition to my team.
The hell's that supposed to mean? That things have changed in a permanent way.
I'd say nothing's changed.
Look, Ken, everyone here likes you, but this is a small shop, and I need to know you can do as told.
So, how are the wedding plans coming? Peggy! Take Danny over to Joan.
He's starting next Monday.
Are you kidding? You will not be sorry.
Go away.
Wait here.
I always liked chocolate ice cream, but my mother made us eat vanilla, because it didn't stain anything.
-I hired Jane's cousin.
-Really? What changed your mind? Couldn't live without him.
Well, one good turn deserves another.
You left it at the bar.
Too much celebrating, I guess.
Yeah, that happens.
I'll give it back if you just say one thing.
You couldn't have done it without me.
Did I not say that? I was wrong.
Thank you.
-Good morning.
-Jesus! Would you leave me alone? You told me to come in.
-The hell I did.
-You hired me.
What? When? Yesterday.
You said, "Welcome aboard.
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