Magnum, P.I. (1980) s01e18 Episode Script
Beauty Knows No Pain
I am not in training to enter the Iron Man contest.
A guy'd have to be crazy to do that.
I have enough cash to pay your salary for one day, so I gotta have results in 24 hours.
- Wah! Come on.
! Come on.
! - T.
M.
, I gotta get you dry, man.
- T.
C.
, you're killing me.
Come on, Magnum.
! Who's he? Oh, this is a private investigator- - A cop? - I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Magnum! Magnum.
! Hawaii is like every sensual woman I've ever known.
She can have raging, violent bursts of temper, followed by incredible calm and peacefulness.
Today was one of those days of true serenity when even the great tourist wave seems to recede.
I mean, I couldn't believe the stillness.
Man, business stinks.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Rick, what's the exact time right now? You know, everybody's on the mainland.
Nobody even cares if my chopper's sittin' there gettin' rusty, just eatin' money.
Rick, the time! Right now! Geez.
It's 11:29 at the tone.
Bing! That's 56 minutes.
That's my best time yet.
And I know I could do better on the road, because this last stretch of beach is all soft sand.
What do you think this is, a gymnasium? Hey, man, you stay in pretty good shape, huh? About how many miles do you jog a day? Only eight.
Eight.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, you swim a lot too, huh? Now and then.
I bet you can ride a bike pretty good.
Bicycle? T.
C.
, I am not in training to enter the Iron Man contest.
Honest.
A guy'd have to be crazy to do that.
First you swim five miles, then you marathon 26 miles, then ride a bike a hundred miles all in the same day.
Yeah, this is Rick.
I bet you could do it.
No bet.
Okay.
Thomas, that was Jimmy at the gate.
There's a woman here to see you.
This has gotta stop.
I mean, as Higgins would say, this is a private club, not an office.
Not an office.
Magnum, P.
I.
? I'm Barbara Terranova from Bayonne, New Jersey.
Your answering machine said I could find you here, so I came right over.
Hi, Barbara Terranova.
I'm Rick.
I, uh, manage this club.
This is T.
C.
The fella you're looking for is standing right behind you with the baseball hat on.
Figures.
I've only been here two days, but already I know everything in Hawaii is a little cuckoo.
Oh- Maybe you'd like to step out on the beach where we can talk more privately.
Magnum, I'm gonna be up front.
I have enough cash to pay your salary for one day- exactly one day.
So I gotta have results in 24 hours.
What do you say? I'm sorry, Miss Terranova, but no respectable private investigator can guarantee a one-day result.
Well, almost none.
I know.
That's what they all said.
All? I phoned every investigator in the phone book.
Oh.
Well, alphabetically, of course.
Thomas, we gotta do something with your listing.
We gotta move it up or somethin'.
I just figured I could count on you somehow.
I mean, your voice on your answering machine was so sympathetic.
I quit my job back in Bayonne at the Firmer Body in Ten Days Exercise Salon and I spent all my savings on new outfits and a plane ticket one way.
I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Once I said yes, it was like punching a clock.
Barbara barely gave me time to shower and change into some gear I kept at the club.
I wanted to grab a cab back to the estate and pick up the Ferrari, but she said that would be a waste of her time and money.
So we headed downtown.
On a bus.
Almost fresh.
I got 'em on the plane yesterday.
Thank goodness I saved 'em, huh? Barbara.
Mm-hmm? I understand about Roger being a great pool player- Fantastic player! His life's dream is to play competition on TV.
But what I don't understand is the part about the gold teeth.
Ah.
Well, um, his gardening truck.
Did I mention that Roger is terrific with tropical flowers? And therefore I know he's gonna be doin' real well over here.
Anyway, his gardening truck was rear-ended, and his mouth- Steering wheel.
So, he had this friend whose cousin was a dentist- Some friend, right? And he gave him a deal on these new front teeth.
The problem with tailing a bus is that it can be pretty humiliating.
See, a bus creeps along while the rest of the traffic moves around it.
Well, all the, uh, enamel fell off, leaving just the gold casings.
Yeah.
So that's why you don't have a photo of Roger.
He's embarrassed to get his picture taken.
Come on.
The next pool hall is right up the street.
Okay.
Barbara, does anyone know that you've come here looking for Roger? Ha.
! Only half of Bayonne.
I tried to stop my mother, but she insisted on giving an elopement party.
Which is a first for New Jersey.
I would be paranoid to assume the blue sedan was following Barbara and me.
There were plenty of other people on the bus.
But private investigators are paid to be paranoid.
So I made a mental note to check for the car when we came out.
I wonder if Barbara realized just how careful I was being on her behalf.
Yes, Mr.
Masters? Hi, Higgins.
It's me.
Magnum, why must you always call me on Robin Masters's private line when there are four other perfectly good phone lines into the estate? Well, it's the only number that I can remember.
Um, Higgins, can I have the Ferrari? - You're asking? - Of course I'm asking.
This isn't like you, Magnum.
Not like you at all.
Well, I- I need it delivered.
Delivered? Look, Higgins, I only have 24- that I'm on, and I can't do it riding around on a bus.
A bus? You're on a case and you're riding on a bus? Don't laugh, Higgins.
Some of your best investigators use buses.
Buses can't be tailed.
You can always spot a tail when you're riding on a bus.
Oh, Magnum! This is too, too much.
just get me the Ferrari, Higgins.
I'm at- Honolulu Lulu's.
Honolulu Lulu's Pool Hall.
Honolulu Lulu's! I don't believe it.
Corner of Kaula and- and Hannaliki.
I'll send one of the gardeners round with it.
Oh, and, Magnum, don't forget to tell him which bus to take back.
I wouldn't want him to make the wrong transfer or whatever it is one does on a bus.
Nobody here ever saw Roger.
Let's hit the next one.
I've got my car coming.
We went all through that.
I got no time to wait around while you wait for a car coming from- Barbara, we can cover the pool halls faster from my car than we can in the back of a bus.
Besides, how do you know Roger won't come through that door any second? Look, I'll tell you what.
My car will be here within the hour.
I'll play you for that hour.
If you win, I still owe you If I win, 22.
But either way, we'll have my car and we'll move faster.
What do you say? You a hustler? Do I look like a pool hustler? No.
Rack 'em up.
Uh, no.
They're, uh- They're still in Lulu's.
No.
They haven't spotted us yet.
All right.
Right.
Maybe I didn't have a fluorescent suntan, but I'd spent my share of time in pool halls as a kid.
Of course, that was a long time ago.
- Straight pool? - Mm-hmm.
Gee, I haven't played since I learned for Roger.
In Bayonne, giris in their late 20s, or early 30s, still do that for their men.
Roger and I met playing pool.
I felt this attraction to him and asked him to teach me.
When someone's showing you the game, there's a lot of touching and being close.
Well, by the end of the evening, he'd asked me out.
It was just like in the movies.
You know what I mean? I think I can guess.
Excuse me.
Well, just when I know he's about ready to pop the question, he disappears.
- Ah.
- Almost a year later, I get this postcard from him with this P.
O.
box postmark, you know? Once the writing started again, we burned up the post office.
I mean torrid, you know? And then, bam! A marriage proposal.
Excuse me.
Well, I was so excited I couldn't sleep for two nights.
And then I telegraphed.
"Yes.
'" And then yesterday, when I got off the plane- No Roger.
That's 24 hours you owe me.
Rack 'em up.
Well? Well, we do what we have to do.
We visited so many pool halls that day and night, I couldn't begin to remember them all.
Barbara's 24 hours were about up- that is until your figured our pool bets.
According to my calculations, you owe me through dinnertime, which is 6:00 p.
m.
in Bayonne.
Right.
My paranoia was in full bloom.
Every time we came out of one of those pool halls, the blue sedan was cruising by.
Even after we switched from the bus to the car, his tailing didn't improve.
It was almost like he wanted to be spotted.
Barbara? Hmm? Are you a girl who gets nervous in a car? Never.
Wah! Barbara, I'm going to the bathroom.
In two minutes, you go to the bathroom.
But I don't have to go to the bathroom.
Please, go to the bathroom.
But I- I don't have to go to the bathroom.
Please.
Okay.
But I don't have to.
When somebody drives a car that tries too hard to be average and sports a haircut with white sidewalls, it usually adds up to one thing: government.
But why would the government care about Barbara's missing fiancé? That's funny.
Higgins usually has the dogs greet me.
Yeah, me too.
Except today he was in a really, really good mood.
Kept laughing and saying something about busing.
Why don't you make yourself at home, T.
C.
? Yeah, that's what I'm doin'.
Uh, where's the powder room? He ain't got one of them.
My bathroom is right through there.
Thanks.
Rick, I want you to check a- a light blue sedan for me.
License number 5567 A.
It's a- a government vehicle or a rental.
And the driver, well, he's, uh, early 20s, blond- Yeah, government type.
Yeah.
Uh, thanks.
What are you doing? The Iron Man contest.
Oh, no, T.
C.
No way.
I told you.
I am not entering that.
Don't start again.
Not even to save Island Hoppers? I mean, I figure what I need is better promotion, better advertising.
What could be better than to have the company name in front of the public in a big, fancy- Oh, I see.
You're entering the race.
Did I hear somebody mention a race? Oh, yeah.
It's the Iron Man.
It's a big event with men and women if you're into competitive suicide.
See, first you swim five miles in rough water.
Then you run a complete Then, finally, the people who are still alive, they bicycle a hundred miles.
T.
C.
here is gonna enter.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not me.
You.
Island Hoppers is going to sponsor you in the Iron Man.
Oh, no.
No way.
A person's gotta be crazy to enter that event.
Mm-hmm.
That makes you the perfect candidate.
Besides, look at the difference in our bodies.
I mean, I'm all shiny, muscle and power.
But you- you got the legs to win it.
That's right! And I intend to keep them.
I mean, think about this, T.
C.
Swimming, running a marathon and then bicycling a hundred miles.
All right.
What-What-What about all this "I owe you one, T.
C.
''? When does that get paid? Well, that's different.
I mean, that's entirely different.
Vouchers.
What about vouchers? Vouchers for- for gas, vouchers for air time, vouchers for this, vouchers for that.
When are you gonna take care of that? I'd do it, T.
C.
I really would, but, see, I'm on a case with Barbara here.
Ah.
Now, I've had occasión during the past 24 hours to scrutinize the body in question.
- My analysis: mediocre reflexes- - Mediocre? average motor skills- Average? and speed and endurance of a questionable nature.
Shoot! Now there's no way this specimen could complete, let alone compete in, the Iron Man competition unless- Let me guess.
Well, unless what? Your boy gets a first-class, knowledgeable, certified trainer to guide him to a winning body.
Yeah, but where do I get that? I mean, a dude like that's gotta cost big bucks.
Not a dude, T.
C.
A "dudette.
" Am I right, Barbara? Modestly, yes.
The pride of Bayonne.
The top instructor at the Firmer Body in Ten Days Figure Salon.
And in return for my services, Magnum continues to search for Roger and then runs the Iron Man to pay his debts to you.
Deal? You got it.
No! And a one and a two and a three and a four.
And a one and a two and a three and a four.
And breathe.
And a one and a two and a breathe.
Good morning, Barbara.
Very subtle.
You're wasting your time.
I don't want to play.
Oh, now, Magnum.
Now, the secret here, you see, is knees to chest.
Knees to chest.
Try it.
Now- I am heading for a swim, and when I get back, Barbara- Babs.
Call me Babs.
Or Coach.
Or whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Never.
I will never call you Coach because I promise you I am never going to enter that contest.
Well, what about T.
C.
and saving the Island Hoppers? What about Roger and me? I mean, this whole deal depends on your entering this contest.
- I mean- - Good morning.
I am sorry about all that, believe me, and I'd do anything for T.
C.
- anything else, I mean.
Oh.
And maybe we can work something out about finding Roger.
Oh, no, I could never accept charity.
Well, then pay me later, but just don't talk to me about this contest.
Ah, the contest.
The excitement, the anticipation, the agony.
Now, here are the items you requested, courtesy of the household account.
Protein powder, vitamins with an emphasis on "B'' complex, tuna for tuna shakes.
It sounds positively revolting, but I'm sure it's quite nourishing.
Higgins, what is this? Paying out of the household account? You never pay for anything for me out of- Wait.
How'd you find out about this? T.
C.
told me his plans when I let him in last night.
For once I agreed with him, and so does Mr.
Masters.
It's a capital idea.
Robin? You talked to Robin? By happy coincidence, he phoned last night from Venice.
I took the liberty of informing him of the race.
And you let him think I was entering? Higgins, how could you? That's a lie.
! A deliberate lie.
! I must say, he was simply wildly enthusiastic.
Well, he'd been drinking.
He'll probably wake up tomorrow morning and won't remember a thing.
What better way to ensure the security of the estate than for our resident investigator to be in top shape? But I've saved the really thrilling news for last.
There's more? To signal his support of your effort, Robin's sending you something from Italy, air express.
A Worid Cup racing bicycle from Milan.
I understand it cost Terrific! Do you know a bike like that only weighs seven pounds? You know what an edge that's gonna give us? $2,700 for a bicycle.
I knew you'd be thrilled.
Let me know if there's anything else I can provide.
By the by, do you have someplace to stay? A small hotel on the other side of the island.
I'll make one of the guest rooms available.
So much more convenient for your training purposes.
Thanks! And, Magnum, best of luck.
I know training can be bloody hell.
I was prepared to go along with it, at least until I had the business of Roger figured out.
After all, I was in top shape.
Maybe we should take a break.
Nonsense.
Whatever you do, don't stop.
just remember my motto at the exercise salon.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
just try it.
It's gotten more ladies through my class- Please! No philosophy.
We've barely come 10 miles.
Now, I want to see you sprint from here to the estate.
Go.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
Go! Go, or it's an extra 200 sit-ups.
Hi.
Miss Terranova? We'd like to talk to you.
Magnum! Magnum.
! Magnum.
! Beauty Knows No Pain! Take it easy now.
Okay? I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Oh, come on, lady.
Come on.
Hey! - Stop it.
Get your hands off me.
- Gold teeth! Don't make this any harder than it has to be.
Oh, let her go.
Let her go.
Let's get out of here.
We're gonna draw a crowd.
just don't lie there.
Get 'em! Wait.
Higgins.
Wait.
Easy.
Better? A little trick I learned in Shanghai just after the war from a sturdy little Oriental chap who demonstrated using dogs.
Actually, it's still pretty bad.
I think I may be out of action for several days.
- No swimming with this.
- Perhaps a little acupuncture.
Let me just get my needles and we'll try some simple muscle testing.
On the other hand, activity could be good for circulation.
Let's go back to the guesthouse.
I'll give you hot packs, alternating with cold packs.
No.
Not so fast.
Aren't you forgetting something? - You mean? - Yes, as a matter of fact.
The Hardy Boys out there.
Especially the one with Roger's teeth.
I was just gonna tell you about that.
You were just so busy with beauty and pain that it slipped your mind.
Roger doesn't have any gold teeth.
Well, these two guys came to see me in Bayonne about six weeks ago.
Looking for Roger.
What story did they give you? Even at the exercise salon it sounded phony.
They knew I was his girlfriend, and if I saw him, they wanted me to give him some money- a check for a couple of thousand they said he loaned them.
Well, I returned it, naturally.
Naturally.
I'm scared of those guys.
They want to hurt Roger, and I don't know why.
We gotta find him first.
So you made up the whole story about the gold teeth to find them while we were looking for Roger.
Do you have a photograph of him? Oh, in- in my bag.
You lied to me about that! You said you didn't have one! I know.
Hmm.
Fine figure of a man.
Honolulu's a big place, Thomas.
I'll check it out and see what I can turn up.
Come on, T.
C.
just one beer.
You're in training.
I'm not going to have my contestant barfing his guts all over the race from guzzling beer.
Okay.
Okay.
Have it your way.
just because I thought it would help me forget how sore my shoulder really is.
Aw.
Well, Beauty Knows No Pain.
And I should know.
Cut that out! - You really believe everything she's telling you about Roger, huh? - Yeah.
Sure.
Well, 65% I believe.
Hey, what about that, uh, government guy in the sedan? Why is he nosin' around? Oh, great.
Goons and government.
That's big time.
That's mob, Thomas.
Rick, I am not jumping to any conclusions.
just 'cause it looks like- just cause it looks like he is a government witness.
Whoa.
Roger's a mob stool pigeon? Bullets flyin' all over the place, and you got a race? You really believe her, huh? Rick! Okay, okay.
I told you I'd check it out, and, Thomas, I will check it out.
Um, Thomas, listen.
I thought after the race I'd throw a little celebration.
Like a congratulation gesture.
Yeah, yeah.
Just us guys.
Yeah.
And maybe a couple of TV reporters.
You know, a human interest story.
Get a little publicity for T.
C.
You know, war buddy helps pal.
Yeah.
TV reporters.
And how about some wire service stringers, Rick and a couple of photographers, Life Maga- Thomas? Thomas.
Magnum, it's here.
Ta-da! It's glorious, isn't it? I'm surprised that it arrived so soon.
Yea.
Terrific.
I'll just have a go at the gears.
Then you can take her out for a spin.
Double-time it, Magnum.
Swimsuit on.
Mr.
Higgins, if you could have it ready by the time Magnum finishes his swim, that would be perfect.
No problem.
Actually, Magnum, I quite envy you the bike race because the course cuts through the Austin Memorial Gardens, which are normally off-limits to visitors.
I've been there.
You have? Yeah.
Well, Roger wrote about the Austin Gardens a lot, so it was the first place I went when I landed.
He worked there when he first came to the Islands.
Why didn't you tell me this? I'm your investigator.
I don't know.
Well, he wasn't there.
They didn't know where he'd gone.
But they said he was wonderful with tropical flowers.
We have got to talk.
When you've had your swim, then we'll try out the new bike.
Barbara, I have the feeling you're stringing me along, and it's going to stop now.
What? You don't think Roger proposed to me? Oh.
! Or- Or you think I'm the kind of girl that never gets proposed to.
- No, that's not what I mean.
- Well, I'll have you know that in high school I was voted queen of the Friday night dance twice.
And I was head cheerleader my junior year.
Barbara! Now, look, what other places did he write to you about? None.
Unless you count the place on the card he sent me to propose.
"Dear Babs, This is where all our dreams will come true.
'' "The Old Hawaiian Aloha Wedding Chapel.
'' That's a proposal? Well, wouldn't any reasonable girl take that as a proposal? - Did you go there? - Without Roger? For heaven sakes, why? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yoo-hoo.
Yoo-hoo.
You can't go in there right now.
I- I'm very sorry.
You can't go in there right now.
There's a ceremony in progress.
That's all right.
Were just looking for a friend.
You mean you're, uh, not the future Mr.
and Mrs.
Lloyd Brockman? Do we look like a bridal couple? Uh- Don't you wish to be married here? Yes.
No.
Oh, I see.
Uh- I wonder if it'd be possible if we could see your gardens? Oh, yes.
Even in Hawaii we're famous for our gardens.
It's right around there.
And for our weddings too, of course.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
That was a fast answer.
Have you ever been married? No.
Engaged? No.
How about heavy fooling around? Never on the first date, and then only if the girl is sincere and will respect me.
All right, everyone.
Picture time.
Now, you come over here, Mrs.
, um- And- And over here for you, Mr.
- Roger? Babs? Roger? Babs! Oh! What are you doing here? Didn't you get my telegram? Roger, what did you do to your hair? Roger, where's your mustache? Who's he? Oh, this is a private investigator.
A cop? Wait, no.
Uh, a private investigator.
See- You don't understand.
Roger, wait! I love you, Roger! Get in the car.
Oh! Hold it! U.
S.
Treasury Department.
You two are in big trouble.
It was a double blow to my ego.
The good guys were bad guys, and vice versa.
The dumb kid in the blue sedan turned out to be a mafia hit man, while gold teeth and his partner were really treasury agents.
And all of them, including Barbara and I, were hunting for Roger.
For different reasons, of course.
It seems the love of Barbara's life used to be Godfather Bracito's gardener.
One day while tending the roses, he dug up two million from an armored car robbery that had been cooling until the statute of limitations had run out.
Roger dropped it into a fertilizer bag and walked away.
In a funny way I had to admire him.
Walking out of a don's estate with two million in a bag of bat guano.
Barbara.
Barbara.
I can't believe it.
Why didn't he tell me? Well, maybe he loved you too much to involve you.
Oh.
You think so? Well, he wrote you all those letters after he already had the two million dollars.
How many guys do you know who would do that if they didn't love you? We gotta find him.
Oh, don't worry, Babs.
This guy with the gun won't harm him until he has the money, and Roger's not dumb enough to tell him where it is.
Well- We won't give up.
We'll just keep looking.
Today, tomorrow- Oh, not tomorrow.
The race is tomorrow.
Well, Roger's more important than the race.
Oh, Thomas, you know, I get this feeling down deep in my solar plexus that if you really try- I mean really try real hard- you can win this race.
And if you win, everything will be okay for Roger and me.
I mean, the police will find him and- and he'll give back the money and we'll get married.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I know.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
Yeah.
? Beyond the reef? ? Where the sea is dark and cold? ? My love has gone? ? And our dreams grow old? ?Someday I'll know? ?She'll come back? Remember, this is your best event.
So don't go saving your energy for the other events.
Got it? Yeah.
Don't forget.
Hey, man, I don't want to put any kind of pressure on you, but I bet every dime I got on you.
You what? I guess I got carried away.
No pressure? You call that no pressure? Trainer coming through.
Excuse me.
just take it easy.
Come on.
All right.
Has anyone given him a salt tablet? No.
Okay.
I've got your glucose, your dry socks, liniment, bandages.
Bandages? Bandages? - Just relax, okay? Relax.
- Come on, Magnum.
Warm up.
Warm up.
Yeah, get them legs goin'.
- Get them legs in shape.
Two minutes, swimmers.
Two minutes.
- Oh, no.
Don't use them too much on the swim- What? What do you think you're doing.
I'm sorry.
No one informed me of the dress code.
However- Knees to chest.
Knees to chest.
You received this cablegram from Robin Masters.
One minute.
Swimmers, to your mark.
One minute.
Since your hands appear to be a bit shaky, I'll take the liberty.
Knees to chest.
Knees to chest.
Now bend over.
Bend down.
Take a deep breath.
And up.
"All best wishes and good luck.
"Everyone here expecting news of your great victory.
Warmest regards, Robin Masters.
'' Not that he wants you to feel obligated to win, I'm sure.
Thirty seconds.
Trainers, leave your contestants, please.
Relax.
Don't worry, Thomas.
You'll do it.
Good luck, old chap.
just be cool.
Just be cool.
I only bet the farm.
On your mark, All right.
! Come on.
! get set- Come on! Let's go! Come on.
! He's lookin'great, huh? I don't know.
Did he seem a trifle tense to you? Higgins, let's go.
! Well, just take all day, Higgy baby.
Maybe beauty knows no pain, but I knew I did.
I figured the only way I could get through the day was to put my body on automatic pilot and concentrate on something else.
The trouble was all I could think about was Roger.
If Gold Teeth was right, he wasn't in a hell of a lot of trouble- not with the feds anyway.
He'd stolen money, but he'd stolen it from a thief.
If Roger turned it in before the statute of limitations on the crime ran out next week, he'd probably get a reward.
Hurry up.
They're due here any minute.
All right, all right.
Which brought me to Barbara.
Why didn't he meet her at the airport? Did he have cold feet about marrying her, or couldn't he show up because he knew someone was following her? But if he knew, why didn't he just take the money and run? Call her in a couple of weeks from Tahiti or wherever? Now remember the drill.
T.
C.
, you towel him dry, Right.
get him into the running shorts.
Running shorts.
Okay, Rick, shoes and socks.
Shoes and socks.
And don't forget the foot powder.
Foot powder.
I myself have exactly four ounces of glucose.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Come on, Magnum! Come on, Thomas! Move it! Come on, Magnum! Which one is he? He's right there.
Can't you see? Come on! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Come over this way! Come on, Magnum.
! - Come on! Come on.
Hurry up! This way.
! Over this way.
! Over this way.
! Come on.
! Over this way.
! Come on, ya big lug.
Come on.
! Come on.
! How am I doing? This is your best event? just great.
A champ.
In contention all the way.
T.
C.
, you're killing me.
T.
M.
, I gotta get you dry, man.
Here, take off your trunks.
Hold this.
Okay.
And then put on these jogging shorts.
People are watching! Oh! Here.
Come on.
Come on.
Drink this very slowly.
Slowly.
Babs, damn it, turn around.
- I'm your trainer.
- I don't suppose anyone here knows the origin of the marathon.
The Greeks met the Persians in battle Sit down.
on a great plain called Marathon.
The Greeks were victorious and sent a runner back to the city with the glorious news.
The distance was that of the modern marathon.
- Rick, what are you doing? - We need another sock, Coach.
One more sock.
Lacing up shoes.
The young man ran at top speed- Shoes, please.
That's too tight! It's too tight! T.
C.
, I'm dry! I'm dry! He stumbled through the gates of the city, cried out "Rejoice, rejoice,'' and fell dead.
There's a lesson there.
Come on, Magnum.
Go, Magnum, go.
! Hit it! Remember.
! Knees to chest.
! Chop-chop, chaps.
To the van.
Come on.
I was dying.
Everything confirmed it- my lungs, my head, my aching muscles.
So, I concentrated on Roger.
I tried to think of all the reasons Roger didn't leave the island when he knew the mafia and the feds were on his tail.
It came down to either a great love for Babs or he couldn't get his hands on the money.
Yeah.
I settled on the money too.
I thought of all the ways it might be tied up- investments, stocks, gold, land- ways that would take a while to liquidate.
After 26 miles I decided it was none of the above.
He'd hidden it somewhere, and he couldn't put his hands on it immediately.
By the time I got on the bicycle, I was ready to fall over dead.
I'd never make a hundred miles.
There was no way.
Not even if I concentrated on Roger and his problem.
Impossible.
But I had to try.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
He'd hidden the money.
He had to.
The statute of limitations was almost up, but he couldn't get it because it was inaccessible.
I had it.
I had the answer.
Only I was so damn tired, I couldn't pull it out of my brain.
All right.
Here they come.
All right.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on.
! Come on.
! Come on, Island Hoppers.
! Let's go.
! Come on, Island Hoppers.
! Let's go.
! Let's go.
! Let's go.
! Let's go.
! I'm telling you, I don't know where it is.
I buried it under a Bougainvillea Priscilla.
But that was a year ago.
The whole garden's changed since then.
Ain't buyin' it, Roger.
The sun's almost gone down and the race is over.
If you don't get that money before they close this place, there's gonna be something else planted here.
What's with the tender loving care? Pull it up! Nine, 10, Thirteen! There's 13 riders ahead of him! This is ridiculous! It's okay.
He can still win.
There's still 60 miles to go.
Tom! Come on, Magnum! - Come on! - Did you enjoy the flowers? That was it.
The flowers.
It had to be.
Roger had hidden the money here in the gardens where he used to work.
Magnum! - What are you tryin' to do? Ruin me? Turn around! Turn around! It must be the ruddy heat.
I saw it happen several times in India.
I remember once when the raja of Punjab was racing elephants in July on the Tigris Plain.
There was this rogue bull.
Come on, will ya, Higgins? He got behind the raja's elephant and tried to mount him.
Uh, the elephant, not the raja.
Extraordinary.
Hold it.
Hold it, T.
C.
There's his bike.
Magnum! Let's split up.
I'm gonna go this way.
Okay.
Heliconia caribaea.
Fascinating.
In the north it's commonly now called lobster claw.
Alpinia.
Indigenous to New Guinea.
Marvelous.
Ah.
Alpinia oceanica.
Splendid.
Your time's running out.
Uh, I think it was closer to the waterfall.
You see, I buried it at night, and I- Find it! Yes.
- Roger! - Babs.
! Why didn't you tell me? I couldn't.
It was too dangerous.
You might get hurt.
Oh.
Terrific idea.
Now, look, you better find it or- You buried the money here? A year ago.
Only everything's changed so much I haven't been able to find it.
I'm not a thief, Babs.
Well- Really I'm not.
It was just so tempting.
But I decided to turn it in for the reward money.
Only I had to find it first.
And today's the only day I could get in here without making everyone suspicious.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Even if you wanted to keep the money and be a thief.
just tell me you wanted to marry me.
Of course.
Didn't you get my proposal? The postcard.
With the wedding chapel on it.
Would you guys find it! I love you, Roger.
I love you, Babs.
Barbara! You creep! Babs! Coach! Enough! Ah, Magnum.
There you are.
You realize, of course, you have no chance of winning.
Well, Buddy's not saying a word.
Catching him with a gun is enough.
The guy's a three-time loser.
You know they're gonna put him away for life- probably 300 years.
And the money, they still haven't found it? Roger didn't exactly give them a pinpoint location.
They're liable to be digging up that place till the next Iron Man race.
He seemed sure it was in the Bougainvillea Priscilla.
They'll find it.
And then we'll get married and go back to Bayonne.
And I'll open an exercise school, and he'll open a little tropical flower shop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And everybody will come out of this pile of bat guano smelling like a rose except me.
just think, man, I'm the one that put up the money to sponsor you.
You forget, Robin Masters made a sizable contribution without expecting any publicity for it.
Robin? What about me? I put up the food, the booze, the potato chips.
Stop it, all of you.
Tom did his best.
He- He saved Roger, didn't he? Hey.
Hey, the race is on.
Oh, hey, man.
Spare me.
I don't want to look at no race.
I don't want to know nothing about no race.
Shh.
Today's running of the famed Iron Man Classic drew a record number of competitors.
The big surprise of the event came in the last leg, the 100-mile bicycle portion, when a rider sponsored by Island Hoppers suddenly reversed field as he exited the famed Austin Memorial Gardens.
We've got some footage of that Island Hoppers biker, who certainly lived up to his sponsor's name.
Whoever you are, Island Hopper, we admire your style.
Yeeha! Look at- And that's the news from all of us to all of you.
Good night.
A guy'd have to be crazy to do that.
I have enough cash to pay your salary for one day, so I gotta have results in 24 hours.
- Wah! Come on.
! Come on.
! - T.
M.
, I gotta get you dry, man.
- T.
C.
, you're killing me.
Come on, Magnum.
! Who's he? Oh, this is a private investigator- - A cop? - I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Magnum! Magnum.
! Hawaii is like every sensual woman I've ever known.
She can have raging, violent bursts of temper, followed by incredible calm and peacefulness.
Today was one of those days of true serenity when even the great tourist wave seems to recede.
I mean, I couldn't believe the stillness.
Man, business stinks.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Rick, what's the exact time right now? You know, everybody's on the mainland.
Nobody even cares if my chopper's sittin' there gettin' rusty, just eatin' money.
Rick, the time! Right now! Geez.
It's 11:29 at the tone.
Bing! That's 56 minutes.
That's my best time yet.
And I know I could do better on the road, because this last stretch of beach is all soft sand.
What do you think this is, a gymnasium? Hey, man, you stay in pretty good shape, huh? About how many miles do you jog a day? Only eight.
Eight.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, you swim a lot too, huh? Now and then.
I bet you can ride a bike pretty good.
Bicycle? T.
C.
, I am not in training to enter the Iron Man contest.
Honest.
A guy'd have to be crazy to do that.
First you swim five miles, then you marathon 26 miles, then ride a bike a hundred miles all in the same day.
Yeah, this is Rick.
I bet you could do it.
No bet.
Okay.
Thomas, that was Jimmy at the gate.
There's a woman here to see you.
This has gotta stop.
I mean, as Higgins would say, this is a private club, not an office.
Not an office.
Magnum, P.
I.
? I'm Barbara Terranova from Bayonne, New Jersey.
Your answering machine said I could find you here, so I came right over.
Hi, Barbara Terranova.
I'm Rick.
I, uh, manage this club.
This is T.
C.
The fella you're looking for is standing right behind you with the baseball hat on.
Figures.
I've only been here two days, but already I know everything in Hawaii is a little cuckoo.
Oh- Maybe you'd like to step out on the beach where we can talk more privately.
Magnum, I'm gonna be up front.
I have enough cash to pay your salary for one day- exactly one day.
So I gotta have results in 24 hours.
What do you say? I'm sorry, Miss Terranova, but no respectable private investigator can guarantee a one-day result.
Well, almost none.
I know.
That's what they all said.
All? I phoned every investigator in the phone book.
Oh.
Well, alphabetically, of course.
Thomas, we gotta do something with your listing.
We gotta move it up or somethin'.
I just figured I could count on you somehow.
I mean, your voice on your answering machine was so sympathetic.
I quit my job back in Bayonne at the Firmer Body in Ten Days Exercise Salon and I spent all my savings on new outfits and a plane ticket one way.
I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Once I said yes, it was like punching a clock.
Barbara barely gave me time to shower and change into some gear I kept at the club.
I wanted to grab a cab back to the estate and pick up the Ferrari, but she said that would be a waste of her time and money.
So we headed downtown.
On a bus.
Almost fresh.
I got 'em on the plane yesterday.
Thank goodness I saved 'em, huh? Barbara.
Mm-hmm? I understand about Roger being a great pool player- Fantastic player! His life's dream is to play competition on TV.
But what I don't understand is the part about the gold teeth.
Ah.
Well, um, his gardening truck.
Did I mention that Roger is terrific with tropical flowers? And therefore I know he's gonna be doin' real well over here.
Anyway, his gardening truck was rear-ended, and his mouth- Steering wheel.
So, he had this friend whose cousin was a dentist- Some friend, right? And he gave him a deal on these new front teeth.
The problem with tailing a bus is that it can be pretty humiliating.
See, a bus creeps along while the rest of the traffic moves around it.
Well, all the, uh, enamel fell off, leaving just the gold casings.
Yeah.
So that's why you don't have a photo of Roger.
He's embarrassed to get his picture taken.
Come on.
The next pool hall is right up the street.
Okay.
Barbara, does anyone know that you've come here looking for Roger? Ha.
! Only half of Bayonne.
I tried to stop my mother, but she insisted on giving an elopement party.
Which is a first for New Jersey.
I would be paranoid to assume the blue sedan was following Barbara and me.
There were plenty of other people on the bus.
But private investigators are paid to be paranoid.
So I made a mental note to check for the car when we came out.
I wonder if Barbara realized just how careful I was being on her behalf.
Yes, Mr.
Masters? Hi, Higgins.
It's me.
Magnum, why must you always call me on Robin Masters's private line when there are four other perfectly good phone lines into the estate? Well, it's the only number that I can remember.
Um, Higgins, can I have the Ferrari? - You're asking? - Of course I'm asking.
This isn't like you, Magnum.
Not like you at all.
Well, I- I need it delivered.
Delivered? Look, Higgins, I only have 24- that I'm on, and I can't do it riding around on a bus.
A bus? You're on a case and you're riding on a bus? Don't laugh, Higgins.
Some of your best investigators use buses.
Buses can't be tailed.
You can always spot a tail when you're riding on a bus.
Oh, Magnum! This is too, too much.
just get me the Ferrari, Higgins.
I'm at- Honolulu Lulu's.
Honolulu Lulu's Pool Hall.
Honolulu Lulu's! I don't believe it.
Corner of Kaula and- and Hannaliki.
I'll send one of the gardeners round with it.
Oh, and, Magnum, don't forget to tell him which bus to take back.
I wouldn't want him to make the wrong transfer or whatever it is one does on a bus.
Nobody here ever saw Roger.
Let's hit the next one.
I've got my car coming.
We went all through that.
I got no time to wait around while you wait for a car coming from- Barbara, we can cover the pool halls faster from my car than we can in the back of a bus.
Besides, how do you know Roger won't come through that door any second? Look, I'll tell you what.
My car will be here within the hour.
I'll play you for that hour.
If you win, I still owe you If I win, 22.
But either way, we'll have my car and we'll move faster.
What do you say? You a hustler? Do I look like a pool hustler? No.
Rack 'em up.
Uh, no.
They're, uh- They're still in Lulu's.
No.
They haven't spotted us yet.
All right.
Right.
Maybe I didn't have a fluorescent suntan, but I'd spent my share of time in pool halls as a kid.
Of course, that was a long time ago.
- Straight pool? - Mm-hmm.
Gee, I haven't played since I learned for Roger.
In Bayonne, giris in their late 20s, or early 30s, still do that for their men.
Roger and I met playing pool.
I felt this attraction to him and asked him to teach me.
When someone's showing you the game, there's a lot of touching and being close.
Well, by the end of the evening, he'd asked me out.
It was just like in the movies.
You know what I mean? I think I can guess.
Excuse me.
Well, just when I know he's about ready to pop the question, he disappears.
- Ah.
- Almost a year later, I get this postcard from him with this P.
O.
box postmark, you know? Once the writing started again, we burned up the post office.
I mean torrid, you know? And then, bam! A marriage proposal.
Excuse me.
Well, I was so excited I couldn't sleep for two nights.
And then I telegraphed.
"Yes.
'" And then yesterday, when I got off the plane- No Roger.
That's 24 hours you owe me.
Rack 'em up.
Well? Well, we do what we have to do.
We visited so many pool halls that day and night, I couldn't begin to remember them all.
Barbara's 24 hours were about up- that is until your figured our pool bets.
According to my calculations, you owe me through dinnertime, which is 6:00 p.
m.
in Bayonne.
Right.
My paranoia was in full bloom.
Every time we came out of one of those pool halls, the blue sedan was cruising by.
Even after we switched from the bus to the car, his tailing didn't improve.
It was almost like he wanted to be spotted.
Barbara? Hmm? Are you a girl who gets nervous in a car? Never.
Wah! Barbara, I'm going to the bathroom.
In two minutes, you go to the bathroom.
But I don't have to go to the bathroom.
Please, go to the bathroom.
But I- I don't have to go to the bathroom.
Please.
Okay.
But I don't have to.
When somebody drives a car that tries too hard to be average and sports a haircut with white sidewalls, it usually adds up to one thing: government.
But why would the government care about Barbara's missing fiancé? That's funny.
Higgins usually has the dogs greet me.
Yeah, me too.
Except today he was in a really, really good mood.
Kept laughing and saying something about busing.
Why don't you make yourself at home, T.
C.
? Yeah, that's what I'm doin'.
Uh, where's the powder room? He ain't got one of them.
My bathroom is right through there.
Thanks.
Rick, I want you to check a- a light blue sedan for me.
License number 5567 A.
It's a- a government vehicle or a rental.
And the driver, well, he's, uh, early 20s, blond- Yeah, government type.
Yeah.
Uh, thanks.
What are you doing? The Iron Man contest.
Oh, no, T.
C.
No way.
I told you.
I am not entering that.
Don't start again.
Not even to save Island Hoppers? I mean, I figure what I need is better promotion, better advertising.
What could be better than to have the company name in front of the public in a big, fancy- Oh, I see.
You're entering the race.
Did I hear somebody mention a race? Oh, yeah.
It's the Iron Man.
It's a big event with men and women if you're into competitive suicide.
See, first you swim five miles in rough water.
Then you run a complete Then, finally, the people who are still alive, they bicycle a hundred miles.
T.
C.
here is gonna enter.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not me.
You.
Island Hoppers is going to sponsor you in the Iron Man.
Oh, no.
No way.
A person's gotta be crazy to enter that event.
Mm-hmm.
That makes you the perfect candidate.
Besides, look at the difference in our bodies.
I mean, I'm all shiny, muscle and power.
But you- you got the legs to win it.
That's right! And I intend to keep them.
I mean, think about this, T.
C.
Swimming, running a marathon and then bicycling a hundred miles.
All right.
What-What-What about all this "I owe you one, T.
C.
''? When does that get paid? Well, that's different.
I mean, that's entirely different.
Vouchers.
What about vouchers? Vouchers for- for gas, vouchers for air time, vouchers for this, vouchers for that.
When are you gonna take care of that? I'd do it, T.
C.
I really would, but, see, I'm on a case with Barbara here.
Ah.
Now, I've had occasión during the past 24 hours to scrutinize the body in question.
- My analysis: mediocre reflexes- - Mediocre? average motor skills- Average? and speed and endurance of a questionable nature.
Shoot! Now there's no way this specimen could complete, let alone compete in, the Iron Man competition unless- Let me guess.
Well, unless what? Your boy gets a first-class, knowledgeable, certified trainer to guide him to a winning body.
Yeah, but where do I get that? I mean, a dude like that's gotta cost big bucks.
Not a dude, T.
C.
A "dudette.
" Am I right, Barbara? Modestly, yes.
The pride of Bayonne.
The top instructor at the Firmer Body in Ten Days Figure Salon.
And in return for my services, Magnum continues to search for Roger and then runs the Iron Man to pay his debts to you.
Deal? You got it.
No! And a one and a two and a three and a four.
And a one and a two and a three and a four.
And breathe.
And a one and a two and a breathe.
Good morning, Barbara.
Very subtle.
You're wasting your time.
I don't want to play.
Oh, now, Magnum.
Now, the secret here, you see, is knees to chest.
Knees to chest.
Try it.
Now- I am heading for a swim, and when I get back, Barbara- Babs.
Call me Babs.
Or Coach.
Or whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Never.
I will never call you Coach because I promise you I am never going to enter that contest.
Well, what about T.
C.
and saving the Island Hoppers? What about Roger and me? I mean, this whole deal depends on your entering this contest.
- I mean- - Good morning.
I am sorry about all that, believe me, and I'd do anything for T.
C.
- anything else, I mean.
Oh.
And maybe we can work something out about finding Roger.
Oh, no, I could never accept charity.
Well, then pay me later, but just don't talk to me about this contest.
Ah, the contest.
The excitement, the anticipation, the agony.
Now, here are the items you requested, courtesy of the household account.
Protein powder, vitamins with an emphasis on "B'' complex, tuna for tuna shakes.
It sounds positively revolting, but I'm sure it's quite nourishing.
Higgins, what is this? Paying out of the household account? You never pay for anything for me out of- Wait.
How'd you find out about this? T.
C.
told me his plans when I let him in last night.
For once I agreed with him, and so does Mr.
Masters.
It's a capital idea.
Robin? You talked to Robin? By happy coincidence, he phoned last night from Venice.
I took the liberty of informing him of the race.
And you let him think I was entering? Higgins, how could you? That's a lie.
! A deliberate lie.
! I must say, he was simply wildly enthusiastic.
Well, he'd been drinking.
He'll probably wake up tomorrow morning and won't remember a thing.
What better way to ensure the security of the estate than for our resident investigator to be in top shape? But I've saved the really thrilling news for last.
There's more? To signal his support of your effort, Robin's sending you something from Italy, air express.
A Worid Cup racing bicycle from Milan.
I understand it cost Terrific! Do you know a bike like that only weighs seven pounds? You know what an edge that's gonna give us? $2,700 for a bicycle.
I knew you'd be thrilled.
Let me know if there's anything else I can provide.
By the by, do you have someplace to stay? A small hotel on the other side of the island.
I'll make one of the guest rooms available.
So much more convenient for your training purposes.
Thanks! And, Magnum, best of luck.
I know training can be bloody hell.
I was prepared to go along with it, at least until I had the business of Roger figured out.
After all, I was in top shape.
Maybe we should take a break.
Nonsense.
Whatever you do, don't stop.
just remember my motto at the exercise salon.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
just try it.
It's gotten more ladies through my class- Please! No philosophy.
We've barely come 10 miles.
Now, I want to see you sprint from here to the estate.
Go.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
Go! Go, or it's an extra 200 sit-ups.
Hi.
Miss Terranova? We'd like to talk to you.
Magnum! Magnum.
! Magnum.
! Beauty Knows No Pain! Take it easy now.
Okay? I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Oh, come on, lady.
Come on.
Hey! - Stop it.
Get your hands off me.
- Gold teeth! Don't make this any harder than it has to be.
Oh, let her go.
Let her go.
Let's get out of here.
We're gonna draw a crowd.
just don't lie there.
Get 'em! Wait.
Higgins.
Wait.
Easy.
Better? A little trick I learned in Shanghai just after the war from a sturdy little Oriental chap who demonstrated using dogs.
Actually, it's still pretty bad.
I think I may be out of action for several days.
- No swimming with this.
- Perhaps a little acupuncture.
Let me just get my needles and we'll try some simple muscle testing.
On the other hand, activity could be good for circulation.
Let's go back to the guesthouse.
I'll give you hot packs, alternating with cold packs.
No.
Not so fast.
Aren't you forgetting something? - You mean? - Yes, as a matter of fact.
The Hardy Boys out there.
Especially the one with Roger's teeth.
I was just gonna tell you about that.
You were just so busy with beauty and pain that it slipped your mind.
Roger doesn't have any gold teeth.
Well, these two guys came to see me in Bayonne about six weeks ago.
Looking for Roger.
What story did they give you? Even at the exercise salon it sounded phony.
They knew I was his girlfriend, and if I saw him, they wanted me to give him some money- a check for a couple of thousand they said he loaned them.
Well, I returned it, naturally.
Naturally.
I'm scared of those guys.
They want to hurt Roger, and I don't know why.
We gotta find him first.
So you made up the whole story about the gold teeth to find them while we were looking for Roger.
Do you have a photograph of him? Oh, in- in my bag.
You lied to me about that! You said you didn't have one! I know.
Hmm.
Fine figure of a man.
Honolulu's a big place, Thomas.
I'll check it out and see what I can turn up.
Come on, T.
C.
just one beer.
You're in training.
I'm not going to have my contestant barfing his guts all over the race from guzzling beer.
Okay.
Okay.
Have it your way.
just because I thought it would help me forget how sore my shoulder really is.
Aw.
Well, Beauty Knows No Pain.
And I should know.
Cut that out! - You really believe everything she's telling you about Roger, huh? - Yeah.
Sure.
Well, 65% I believe.
Hey, what about that, uh, government guy in the sedan? Why is he nosin' around? Oh, great.
Goons and government.
That's big time.
That's mob, Thomas.
Rick, I am not jumping to any conclusions.
just 'cause it looks like- just cause it looks like he is a government witness.
Whoa.
Roger's a mob stool pigeon? Bullets flyin' all over the place, and you got a race? You really believe her, huh? Rick! Okay, okay.
I told you I'd check it out, and, Thomas, I will check it out.
Um, Thomas, listen.
I thought after the race I'd throw a little celebration.
Like a congratulation gesture.
Yeah, yeah.
Just us guys.
Yeah.
And maybe a couple of TV reporters.
You know, a human interest story.
Get a little publicity for T.
C.
You know, war buddy helps pal.
Yeah.
TV reporters.
And how about some wire service stringers, Rick and a couple of photographers, Life Maga- Thomas? Thomas.
Magnum, it's here.
Ta-da! It's glorious, isn't it? I'm surprised that it arrived so soon.
Yea.
Terrific.
I'll just have a go at the gears.
Then you can take her out for a spin.
Double-time it, Magnum.
Swimsuit on.
Mr.
Higgins, if you could have it ready by the time Magnum finishes his swim, that would be perfect.
No problem.
Actually, Magnum, I quite envy you the bike race because the course cuts through the Austin Memorial Gardens, which are normally off-limits to visitors.
I've been there.
You have? Yeah.
Well, Roger wrote about the Austin Gardens a lot, so it was the first place I went when I landed.
He worked there when he first came to the Islands.
Why didn't you tell me this? I'm your investigator.
I don't know.
Well, he wasn't there.
They didn't know where he'd gone.
But they said he was wonderful with tropical flowers.
We have got to talk.
When you've had your swim, then we'll try out the new bike.
Barbara, I have the feeling you're stringing me along, and it's going to stop now.
What? You don't think Roger proposed to me? Oh.
! Or- Or you think I'm the kind of girl that never gets proposed to.
- No, that's not what I mean.
- Well, I'll have you know that in high school I was voted queen of the Friday night dance twice.
And I was head cheerleader my junior year.
Barbara! Now, look, what other places did he write to you about? None.
Unless you count the place on the card he sent me to propose.
"Dear Babs, This is where all our dreams will come true.
'' "The Old Hawaiian Aloha Wedding Chapel.
'' That's a proposal? Well, wouldn't any reasonable girl take that as a proposal? - Did you go there? - Without Roger? For heaven sakes, why? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yoo-hoo.
Yoo-hoo.
You can't go in there right now.
I- I'm very sorry.
You can't go in there right now.
There's a ceremony in progress.
That's all right.
Were just looking for a friend.
You mean you're, uh, not the future Mr.
and Mrs.
Lloyd Brockman? Do we look like a bridal couple? Uh- Don't you wish to be married here? Yes.
No.
Oh, I see.
Uh- I wonder if it'd be possible if we could see your gardens? Oh, yes.
Even in Hawaii we're famous for our gardens.
It's right around there.
And for our weddings too, of course.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
That was a fast answer.
Have you ever been married? No.
Engaged? No.
How about heavy fooling around? Never on the first date, and then only if the girl is sincere and will respect me.
All right, everyone.
Picture time.
Now, you come over here, Mrs.
, um- And- And over here for you, Mr.
- Roger? Babs? Roger? Babs! Oh! What are you doing here? Didn't you get my telegram? Roger, what did you do to your hair? Roger, where's your mustache? Who's he? Oh, this is a private investigator.
A cop? Wait, no.
Uh, a private investigator.
See- You don't understand.
Roger, wait! I love you, Roger! Get in the car.
Oh! Hold it! U.
S.
Treasury Department.
You two are in big trouble.
It was a double blow to my ego.
The good guys were bad guys, and vice versa.
The dumb kid in the blue sedan turned out to be a mafia hit man, while gold teeth and his partner were really treasury agents.
And all of them, including Barbara and I, were hunting for Roger.
For different reasons, of course.
It seems the love of Barbara's life used to be Godfather Bracito's gardener.
One day while tending the roses, he dug up two million from an armored car robbery that had been cooling until the statute of limitations had run out.
Roger dropped it into a fertilizer bag and walked away.
In a funny way I had to admire him.
Walking out of a don's estate with two million in a bag of bat guano.
Barbara.
Barbara.
I can't believe it.
Why didn't he tell me? Well, maybe he loved you too much to involve you.
Oh.
You think so? Well, he wrote you all those letters after he already had the two million dollars.
How many guys do you know who would do that if they didn't love you? We gotta find him.
Oh, don't worry, Babs.
This guy with the gun won't harm him until he has the money, and Roger's not dumb enough to tell him where it is.
Well- We won't give up.
We'll just keep looking.
Today, tomorrow- Oh, not tomorrow.
The race is tomorrow.
Well, Roger's more important than the race.
Oh, Thomas, you know, I get this feeling down deep in my solar plexus that if you really try- I mean really try real hard- you can win this race.
And if you win, everything will be okay for Roger and me.
I mean, the police will find him and- and he'll give back the money and we'll get married.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I know.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
Yeah.
? Beyond the reef? ? Where the sea is dark and cold? ? My love has gone? ? And our dreams grow old? ?Someday I'll know? ?She'll come back? Remember, this is your best event.
So don't go saving your energy for the other events.
Got it? Yeah.
Don't forget.
Hey, man, I don't want to put any kind of pressure on you, but I bet every dime I got on you.
You what? I guess I got carried away.
No pressure? You call that no pressure? Trainer coming through.
Excuse me.
just take it easy.
Come on.
All right.
Has anyone given him a salt tablet? No.
Okay.
I've got your glucose, your dry socks, liniment, bandages.
Bandages? Bandages? - Just relax, okay? Relax.
- Come on, Magnum.
Warm up.
Warm up.
Yeah, get them legs goin'.
- Get them legs in shape.
Two minutes, swimmers.
Two minutes.
- Oh, no.
Don't use them too much on the swim- What? What do you think you're doing.
I'm sorry.
No one informed me of the dress code.
However- Knees to chest.
Knees to chest.
You received this cablegram from Robin Masters.
One minute.
Swimmers, to your mark.
One minute.
Since your hands appear to be a bit shaky, I'll take the liberty.
Knees to chest.
Knees to chest.
Now bend over.
Bend down.
Take a deep breath.
And up.
"All best wishes and good luck.
"Everyone here expecting news of your great victory.
Warmest regards, Robin Masters.
'' Not that he wants you to feel obligated to win, I'm sure.
Thirty seconds.
Trainers, leave your contestants, please.
Relax.
Don't worry, Thomas.
You'll do it.
Good luck, old chap.
just be cool.
Just be cool.
I only bet the farm.
On your mark, All right.
! Come on.
! get set- Come on! Let's go! Come on.
! He's lookin'great, huh? I don't know.
Did he seem a trifle tense to you? Higgins, let's go.
! Well, just take all day, Higgy baby.
Maybe beauty knows no pain, but I knew I did.
I figured the only way I could get through the day was to put my body on automatic pilot and concentrate on something else.
The trouble was all I could think about was Roger.
If Gold Teeth was right, he wasn't in a hell of a lot of trouble- not with the feds anyway.
He'd stolen money, but he'd stolen it from a thief.
If Roger turned it in before the statute of limitations on the crime ran out next week, he'd probably get a reward.
Hurry up.
They're due here any minute.
All right, all right.
Which brought me to Barbara.
Why didn't he meet her at the airport? Did he have cold feet about marrying her, or couldn't he show up because he knew someone was following her? But if he knew, why didn't he just take the money and run? Call her in a couple of weeks from Tahiti or wherever? Now remember the drill.
T.
C.
, you towel him dry, Right.
get him into the running shorts.
Running shorts.
Okay, Rick, shoes and socks.
Shoes and socks.
And don't forget the foot powder.
Foot powder.
I myself have exactly four ounces of glucose.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Come on, Magnum! Come on, Thomas! Move it! Come on, Magnum! Which one is he? He's right there.
Can't you see? Come on! Yeah! Come on! Come on! Come over this way! Come on, Magnum.
! - Come on! Come on.
Hurry up! This way.
! Over this way.
! Over this way.
! Come on.
! Over this way.
! Come on, ya big lug.
Come on.
! Come on.
! How am I doing? This is your best event? just great.
A champ.
In contention all the way.
T.
C.
, you're killing me.
T.
M.
, I gotta get you dry, man.
Here, take off your trunks.
Hold this.
Okay.
And then put on these jogging shorts.
People are watching! Oh! Here.
Come on.
Come on.
Drink this very slowly.
Slowly.
Babs, damn it, turn around.
- I'm your trainer.
- I don't suppose anyone here knows the origin of the marathon.
The Greeks met the Persians in battle Sit down.
on a great plain called Marathon.
The Greeks were victorious and sent a runner back to the city with the glorious news.
The distance was that of the modern marathon.
- Rick, what are you doing? - We need another sock, Coach.
One more sock.
Lacing up shoes.
The young man ran at top speed- Shoes, please.
That's too tight! It's too tight! T.
C.
, I'm dry! I'm dry! He stumbled through the gates of the city, cried out "Rejoice, rejoice,'' and fell dead.
There's a lesson there.
Come on, Magnum.
Go, Magnum, go.
! Hit it! Remember.
! Knees to chest.
! Chop-chop, chaps.
To the van.
Come on.
I was dying.
Everything confirmed it- my lungs, my head, my aching muscles.
So, I concentrated on Roger.
I tried to think of all the reasons Roger didn't leave the island when he knew the mafia and the feds were on his tail.
It came down to either a great love for Babs or he couldn't get his hands on the money.
Yeah.
I settled on the money too.
I thought of all the ways it might be tied up- investments, stocks, gold, land- ways that would take a while to liquidate.
After 26 miles I decided it was none of the above.
He'd hidden it somewhere, and he couldn't put his hands on it immediately.
By the time I got on the bicycle, I was ready to fall over dead.
I'd never make a hundred miles.
There was no way.
Not even if I concentrated on Roger and his problem.
Impossible.
But I had to try.
Beauty Knows No Pain.
He'd hidden the money.
He had to.
The statute of limitations was almost up, but he couldn't get it because it was inaccessible.
I had it.
I had the answer.
Only I was so damn tired, I couldn't pull it out of my brain.
All right.
Here they come.
All right.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on.
! Come on.
! Come on, Island Hoppers.
! Let's go.
! Come on, Island Hoppers.
! Let's go.
! Let's go.
! Let's go.
! Let's go.
! I'm telling you, I don't know where it is.
I buried it under a Bougainvillea Priscilla.
But that was a year ago.
The whole garden's changed since then.
Ain't buyin' it, Roger.
The sun's almost gone down and the race is over.
If you don't get that money before they close this place, there's gonna be something else planted here.
What's with the tender loving care? Pull it up! Nine, 10, Thirteen! There's 13 riders ahead of him! This is ridiculous! It's okay.
He can still win.
There's still 60 miles to go.
Tom! Come on, Magnum! - Come on! - Did you enjoy the flowers? That was it.
The flowers.
It had to be.
Roger had hidden the money here in the gardens where he used to work.
Magnum! - What are you tryin' to do? Ruin me? Turn around! Turn around! It must be the ruddy heat.
I saw it happen several times in India.
I remember once when the raja of Punjab was racing elephants in July on the Tigris Plain.
There was this rogue bull.
Come on, will ya, Higgins? He got behind the raja's elephant and tried to mount him.
Uh, the elephant, not the raja.
Extraordinary.
Hold it.
Hold it, T.
C.
There's his bike.
Magnum! Let's split up.
I'm gonna go this way.
Okay.
Heliconia caribaea.
Fascinating.
In the north it's commonly now called lobster claw.
Alpinia.
Indigenous to New Guinea.
Marvelous.
Ah.
Alpinia oceanica.
Splendid.
Your time's running out.
Uh, I think it was closer to the waterfall.
You see, I buried it at night, and I- Find it! Yes.
- Roger! - Babs.
! Why didn't you tell me? I couldn't.
It was too dangerous.
You might get hurt.
Oh.
Terrific idea.
Now, look, you better find it or- You buried the money here? A year ago.
Only everything's changed so much I haven't been able to find it.
I'm not a thief, Babs.
Well- Really I'm not.
It was just so tempting.
But I decided to turn it in for the reward money.
Only I had to find it first.
And today's the only day I could get in here without making everyone suspicious.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Even if you wanted to keep the money and be a thief.
just tell me you wanted to marry me.
Of course.
Didn't you get my proposal? The postcard.
With the wedding chapel on it.
Would you guys find it! I love you, Roger.
I love you, Babs.
Barbara! You creep! Babs! Coach! Enough! Ah, Magnum.
There you are.
You realize, of course, you have no chance of winning.
Well, Buddy's not saying a word.
Catching him with a gun is enough.
The guy's a three-time loser.
You know they're gonna put him away for life- probably 300 years.
And the money, they still haven't found it? Roger didn't exactly give them a pinpoint location.
They're liable to be digging up that place till the next Iron Man race.
He seemed sure it was in the Bougainvillea Priscilla.
They'll find it.
And then we'll get married and go back to Bayonne.
And I'll open an exercise school, and he'll open a little tropical flower shop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And everybody will come out of this pile of bat guano smelling like a rose except me.
just think, man, I'm the one that put up the money to sponsor you.
You forget, Robin Masters made a sizable contribution without expecting any publicity for it.
Robin? What about me? I put up the food, the booze, the potato chips.
Stop it, all of you.
Tom did his best.
He- He saved Roger, didn't he? Hey.
Hey, the race is on.
Oh, hey, man.
Spare me.
I don't want to look at no race.
I don't want to know nothing about no race.
Shh.
Today's running of the famed Iron Man Classic drew a record number of competitors.
The big surprise of the event came in the last leg, the 100-mile bicycle portion, when a rider sponsored by Island Hoppers suddenly reversed field as he exited the famed Austin Memorial Gardens.
We've got some footage of that Island Hoppers biker, who certainly lived up to his sponsor's name.
Whoever you are, Island Hopper, we admire your style.
Yeeha! Look at- And that's the news from all of us to all of you.
Good night.