Magnum, P.I. (1980) s02e04 Episode Script
From Moscow to Maui
Blue Light, it's a MiG-30.
Russian markings.
I'm on his six.
My fiancee is here with a Soviet track team.
She also wants to defect.
You don't know these people.
I will never get out of here.
It should be turned over to the FBI.
By the time they interview us, file a report, get instructions from Washington, Yuri will be in Moscow.
Where is Yuri? Now, where is he? You won't shoot me.
Blue Light, Beta-One.
We're airborne.
Roger.
You are cleared to Angels 30.
Take a heading of 350 to intercept.
Spark 115.
Over.
Beta-One climbing Angels 30.
Heading 350, Spark 115.
Any change? No, sir.
The aircraft's still approaching.
Have we made contact? There's no reply to our radio transmissions.
When are we intercepting, Major? Any moment, sir.
Any chance that it's one of ours? Blue Light, Beta-One.
Angels 30.
Roger.
Take a heading of 270.
Bogey at 12:00, 40 miles.
Do you have visual contact? Over.
Negative.
Radar only.
Ah, wait one.
We have bogey in sight.
Tallyho! Roger.
Blue Light, it's a MiG-30.
Russian markings.
I'm on his six.
The Russians have never let them out of the Eastern Bloc.
What the hell's it doing here? The pilot doesn't respond to radio contact.
Over.
He might not be able to, sir.
The Russians only give their pilots a narrow frequency band.
They don't want them making foreign contact.
On his six.
On his six.
Come on, we're awaiting instructions.
Roger, wait one.
Beta-One, this is Colonel Halver.
Stay on him.
But don't take any offensive action at this time.
Over.
Roger.
Put the base on alert.
Yes, sir.
Blue Light, he's lowering his gear.
Repeat.
He's lowering his gear.
Beta-One, allow the plane to land.
I request political asylum.
Freedom.
This is for you.
Business had been slow.
Not even a divorce case had come my way in weeks.
And I wasn't the only one going through a lull.
T.
C.
's chopper business was down and the King Kamehameha Club had lost some members to a rival club in Diamond Head.
I intended to use the extra time to keep myself in some kind of shape.
My friends were also spending their time constructively.
No.
The LZ was north of the paddy.
That's where Froggy got lit up.
Damn, T.
C.
I don't know how you could have forgotten that.
Orville, don't write my biography.
The LZ was east of the paddy when we went in to get the team.
Froggy didn't buy it until the next day flying a dust-off.
That's where he first got lit up.
The LZ was hot, remember? Okay, let me guess.
The pea is under that one.
Oh.
Nope.
Sorry.
Very funny.
Hey, listen, you remember when we picked you up in Bihn Lat? Yeah, yeah, uh, Froggy didn't buy it that day.
Did he? Yes, he did.
I don't believe you guys.
Why don't you talk about something a little more pleasant.
Like the flu or taxes.
How about litigation? What? Magnum, has it ever occurred to you when you take your seaside strolls, to leave a note on the door? It would make it so much easier for process servers to locate you.
Process servers? A gentleman is waiting in the guesthouse.
He's a process server? Who's suing you? We can't afford this, Thomas.
Higgins, why'd you let him in? I didn't say he was a process server.
I merely said that a note would facilitate the inevitable process server in finding you.
Who's the guy in the guesthouse? Oddly enough, I suppose he's a prospective client.
Thanks, Higgins.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
I say, Sebastopol.
You've made a slight error, though.
The Russian artillery was closer to the salient.
There.
Higgins' little joke hit too close to home.
As a private investigator, I had collected a few enemies and even more debts.
It was the debts that worried me.
They tended to be much more persistent.
Hi.
Mr.
Magnum? Yes.
You are a private investigator? Yes.
Hi.
You're wearing a swimsuit.
Don't worry, I got a whole closet full of pants.
What can I do for you? "U.
S.
Sales representative of Ekterberg Pharmaceuticals.
Phoenix, Arizona.
" Are you, uh, upset about something, Mr.
Bjornson? No, Mr.
Magnum.
I am not upset.
But I am also not Mr.
Bjornson, Swedish, or a pharmaceutical representative.
Oh.
Then why are you carrying around these funny little cards? It is my cover.
Courtesy of U.
S.
Intelligence.
My real name is Yuri Dolgov.
I defected from the Soviet Union a year ago in a MiG-30.
Well, that's quite a piece of hardware.
I bet you there's a lot of people in Moscow who aren't too fond of you.
I am not here to discuss myself.
My fiancee is here in Hawaii with a Soviet track team.
She also wants to defect but the team is watched very closely.
I cannot go to her, they know me.
I want you to help.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this a little more for your friends in the government? They will not help in the defection of visiting athletes.
It is considered bad manners.
They will help only afterwards.
Let me ask you this: Don't you think it's a little funny, the Soviets letting her travel? She did only the right things.
She denounced me at party meetings on on television.
Besides, they want her to win gold medals.
Mr.
Magnum, do you have an alcoholic beverage? I find this stressful.
I'm sorry.
Um, Scotch? Do you have vodka? Brandy.
Scotch will be satisfactory.
Ice? No.
Never.
The little voice, the one that tries to warn me, it was trying to tell me something.
I just didn't know what.
Here you go.
Mr.
Magnum, when I defected, I left my country, my my language, even my identity.
But now there is the possibility to have my love with me.
Can you understand that? Yes.
Tell me this: Are you sure, though, that she's ready to make this move? Of course! She always wanted to! Just take it easy.
I just don't like getting egg on my face.
We planned everything together.
The the denunciations.
Everything.
Okay, okay.
That's fine.
Wonderful.
It will be very simple.
I have already devised a plan.
Mr.
Magnum, please do put on your pants.
My little voice still wasn't specific.
Just sort of generally suspicious.
So, I checked Yuri out with a buddy at Naval Intelligence.
As far as I could tell, he was legit.
And so was his story.
Unfortunately, the little voice didn't shut up.
Over there.
Will you recognize her later? Who could forget? Over there on the right, he's a KGB agent.
How do you know? Only idiots and KGB would wear a suit like that in Hawaii.
There are probably one or two more.
Down there is the gate the athletes go through to get to the showers.
You can get to Nina there.
Is she gonna understand me? Her English is very good.
What if she doesn't trust me? Show her this.
All right.
You go wait in the car.
I don't want anybody seeing you.
Nina.
I'm a friend of Yuri's.
He sent me to get you.
Nina.
Nina.
Do you understand? Yuri? I'm here to take you to him.
Can I help you? Oh, yes.
Yes, you can.
I'm a big fan of Miss Markova's.
I saw her run the last Olympics.
Do you have a pen? I'd love to get her autograph.
It's not for me, really.
See, it's for my kids.
Who is this? I don't know.
The athletes are in training.
You should not bother them.
Oh, I don't want to bother her.
I just want her autograph.
Do you have a pen? Pencil will do fine.
You go now.
My kids will be real disappointed.
Go away.
Hey, what's the big deal? I will call the guard.
Okay.
That's not necessary.
I just wanted an autograph.
Come with me.
Where is she? I told you to stay in the car.
I couldn't wait.
You couldn't wait? What if somebody sees you? Magnum, it's been over a year.
I love her.
You could have loused everything up.
Except she beat you to it.
What do you mean? Nina treated me like I had the plague.
She she was probably very frightened.
Oh, that's terrific! I feel much better.
D- Don't worry.
I'll find another way to get to her.
Why don't you get yourself another boy? Why? Remember I told you I didn't like getting egg on my face? Well, right now, I'm wearing a whole omelet.
That is no reason to quit.
All right, I'll give you a reason.
I'll give you three reasons.
Number 1: It was a lousy plan.
You had us out in the open.
Number 2: You didn't do what I told you.
Number 3: You're probably barking up the wrong tree.
She is not the wrong tree! Lmpotence! I hate impotence! Hey.
American garbage.
Full of plastic.
Tell me something.
Why'd you do it? What? Defect.
You said you gave up a lot.
Why'd you do it? I ate too much.
What? If you eat too much, it comes back up.
I ate too much.
Too much political indoctrination, too many lies.
Too many hours standing in lines for this, for that.
The trouble is I forgot about the good things.
Things I would miss.
People, faces, smells.
I spend time, a lot of time, thinking about it.
Wish you hadn't done it? Sometimes.
But then I remember when I was a child there was something I wanted to do.
It was impossible.
To see the Grand Canyon.
Last month I saw the Grand Canyon.
It was more beautiful than in my imagination.
Magnum, two days.
Then the track team leaves.
That's all I have to get her.
You let me make the plan this time.
Come on, T.
C.
How am I supposed to brief us? Will you get that out of my face, please? Hold on, hold on.
I think I'm getting it.
Thomas, can't you just show us the pictures? They're not pictures.
They're slides.
I thought it'd be easier.
You know, more professional.
But I didn't know Thomas Alva Edison here would have trouble with the equipment.
Okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Try it now.
Oh, come on, T.
C.
Is it too much to ask to get my slides right side up? Minor problem, minor problem.
Not to worry.
I forgot what a nasty CO you can be.
Okay, there.
Thank you.
Now, the athletes are staying at the Quilliam Hotel.
They are housed in the llimi wing.
Now, Nina is in a cottage, uh, number 114.
We'll have to get to her there.
Um, T.
M.
, did you come up with this plan all by your lonesome? Yeah.
What's the matter? I don't know.
Well, I don't know yet.
I just keep remembering the plan you had to get all of the POW's out of Cambodia.
T.
C.
, there is no comparison between that plan and this one.
I hope not.
I don't need anymore scars.
Come on.
Will you just pay attention, please? I'm all ears and eyes.
Now, there are at least two Soviet agents acting as watchdogs and traveling with the Soviet team.
They'll have to be diverted.
But in a nonviolent manner.
We don't want to create any more of an international incident than we have to.
Great.
What about a little international incident? This is Kalugin.
He's the muscle.
He spends most of his time at the pool trying to keep track of the other athletes.
This is Tarasov.
He's registered as a representative of the Ministry of Sports.
Now, I think he's the head man.
He spends most of his time in his room, but he does make spot checks on the athletes.
Now, I think that there's a third agent.
I call him the Turk.
Just seemed appropriate.
I just thought it up while I was casing.
Anyway, there's no record of him with the Soviet team.
But I'm sure he's involved in surveillance.
He has kind of a trenchcoat-air about him.
We got to watch out for him.
Also, we got to watch out for the other athletes 'cause a lot of them are informers.
Okay.
Okay, guys.
Come over here.
Why? Because this is the plan, that's why.
Uh, just one question, sir.
Yeah? Uh, you just showed us two guys that we have to divert? Right.
And then we need one guy to get the girl out.
That's right.
Then we need a point man for this Turk dude.
That's exactly correct.
Oh, the way I figure it, that leaves us one man short.
Funny you should mention short.
Gee, Higgins, can I play, too? This is hardly a game, Magnum.
Well, you could have fooled me.
Toy soldiers, toy horses, toy carnage.
This is a faithful reproduction of the Battle of Austerlitz.
I'm lecturing on it at the Hawaiian Napoleonic Society.
Oh, of course.
That's every other Wednesday, isn't it? It's the first Tuesday of every month.
Oh.
Ooh! Is this the little general himself? That's General Kutuzov.
And I wish you'd put him down.
You're quite a student of tactics, aren't you, Higgins? Strategy and tactics, yes.
What do you want, Magnum? Oh, I need you to help me with a case.
Me? Magnum, you know how I feel about your work.
Yeah.
I need you to talk to a guy at a hotel.
You haven't got a prayer.
Why me? Uh, I need a special kind of conversationalist.
A scholar.
You're the only guy I can think of.
Does this business fall anywhere within the parameters of the law? Absolutely.
And it's important to you? Very.
Then you would be willing to negotiate for my participation? Not in the least.
Good.
We'll start with your use of the hot tub.
What did you say? Not in the least.
Good night, Magnum.
Ah, of course Oh, Higgins, you served in Vienna after the war, didn't you? I was liaison to the Soviet Army of occupation, yes.
You know that? Yeah, they kind of pushed you around a little, didn't they? The Russians? Made you hand over defectors, POW's? I hate to think of what happened to those poor people.
The Soviets were our allies then.
We were carrying out national policy.
Yeah, I know.
How'd you feel about it? Magnum, a soldier often has to do things that are disagreeable.
Yeah, there's disagreeable, and there's disagreeable.
It was loathsome and I shall never forgive them.
Are you satisfied? How'd you like to get even? It had been a long time since I said, "Let's synchronize watches.
" And it gave me absolutely no thrill to say it this morning.
I still had an uneasy feeling, despite all the work I'd put into this.
Something just didn't feel right.
My client, on the other hand, was very pleased with things.
I don't like it at all.
Everyone has something to do but me.
Look All I do is sit! Stay put this time, will you? I don't like even getting you this close.
Well, I wasn't going to just sit at home and wait! Ah.
Impotence! Look, I know you hate it.
Just don't kick anything, will you? I'm afraid that, uh, sometimes I'm imprudent.
It caused me much trouble with the military.
Well, I can understand that.
I could have been much happier in life if I would have been more prudent.
Yeah.
Listen, this will all be over in a few minutes.
I want you to just try and relax, okay, Yuri? Take it easy.
Magnum.
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, they said at the desk that, uh, you're with the Soviet track team.
Yes.
Splendid.
The name's Lovelace.
I'm with the Honolulu Institute for Marxist Studies.
I've been quite anxious to chat with a Soviet citizen.
Do you mind? Ah? You are conversant with Socialist theory, are you not? What? Socialism.
Uh, communism.
Are you a party member? Yes.
Of course.
Good.
You see, some of us at the Institute have been having a little argument.
Uh, perhaps you can set it straight.
I don't understand.
Well, it's quite simple.
According to Marxist dialectics, gradual social progress can never lead to anything worthwhile.
Yes? Reforms constitute progress only if they operate as a foreign body in the existing system thereby accelerating decline.
Is that not so? Uh? Yes, of course.
The question is how does Marx reconcile dialectic philosophy with his own economic interpretation of history? I beg your pardon? Poor guy.
Okay, Rick, you're up.
Okay.
Pay the check.
Did you hear that? Oh, yeah.
Hey, man.
Wait a minute.
I didn't even buy a drink.
What am I doing paying the check? What are you doing? Hey, is this that shot-putter's room, Olga Sankina? And, uh, who are you? I'm a reporter with The Honolulu Night Lighter.
What do you want from Miss, uh, Sankina? You see, that's just it.
She ain't a miss at all.
We got the doctor's report.
She's got too many chromosomes or, I don't know, maybe not enough.
But all I know is this.
She's this far from being a mister.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah? Well, um, why don't we just ask Olga about it, huh? You can't annoy the athletes with this nonsense.
The hell I can't.
Go away from here.
You ever hear of the First Amendment? Yeah, you can discuss it with hotel security.
Come on, let go of me, will you? I intend to.
I intend to.
Let's go.
Listen, we got to be careful.
Her roommate might come back.
We need a code? No, you just get rid of her.
That's easy for you to say.
What do you want? You remember me? Yuri sent me.
Go away.
Terrific.
I know you're frightened.
Go, please.
I never should've went in on this.
Here.
Oh, God.
Where is he? He's outside.
Waiting.
Go.
You must go.
Nina, we came to take you out of here.
No.
You must go before someone's coming.
Nina, look, I have gone through a lot of trouble here.
Yuri said you wanted this.
I don't.
I knew it.
I knew it.
How can I be such a sucker? Wait.
You don't know these people.
I will never get out of here.
You will if you want to.
I've taken care of things.
They know who you are.
They saw you at the track.
It will never work.
Okay.
Fine.
It will never work! Next time, I'll listen to that little voice Wait.
Wait.
You're asking me to make a decision that can't be changed.
Nina? I'm not asking you to do anything.
I don't know what's out there.
Can you understand? I don't know what will be my life.
You'll have Yuri.
Does that still mean something? Let's go.
What is it? One of your teammates.
Psst! Come on! You're gonna hear about this, pal.
This ain't Russia.
You can't stifle the press here! We have rights in this country, you pickle, bimbo, you! How fortunate that in your country scandalmongers are not permitted.
But to return to my earlier point, if communism is a historical inevitability, as Marx believed I guess I better go warn Higgins, huh? Hold it.
I said, hold it! I'm the house detective.
Now, what's going on here? The house detective? That's terrific.
Don't give me that "terrific," hotshot.
I've been eyeing this situation.
Now what's going on? There's There's really nothing to be alarmed about.
Then why are you sneaking around? Well, if you want to know the truth, we're not exactly married and there are some people out front and if they saw us it wouldn't look too good, you know what I mean? You're one of them Russians aren't you? Look, couldn't we settle this with a little green piece of paper.
You now, the kind with Andrew Jackson's picture on it? Ma'am, is he making you do something against your will? We don't have to put up with this, dear.
Something depraved? This is ridiculous! Well, let's see some ID.
What do we do? You explain yourselves, that's what you do.
Now, let's see some ID! All right.
Um, get my wallet in your purse, dear.
I think it's right there Is he all right? He just won't be eating any solid foods for a while, that's all.
Come on.
Of course, I think Marx went a bit far, saying the classes have no common interests at all.
Religion, patriotism can't, uh, be dismissed out of hand.
Well, uh, I must be off.
I can't tell you how fascinating it's been listening to your opinions.
Goodbye.
And, uh Where's Yuri? Where is he? Where is he? What's happened? I finally figured out what the little voice was trying to tell me.
I knew something was off the whole time.
L I just smelled it.
How could I be so damn blind? Easy.
The same way you were in Cambodia.
I knew it! I knew it! It was just staring me right in the face.
Your strategy overlooked the larger picture.
I am aware of that, Higgins! Thank you.
Did it ever cross your mind that Nina was only bait? No, Higgins, it didn't! Some things didn't cross his mind in Cambodia, either.
T.
C.
What are they gonna do to him, Higgins? Well, first they'll find out how much he's told the Americans.
Then they'll use him for propaganda.
Parade him around.
Say he came back on his own.
Couldn't stand the decadent west.
After they've made their points Well, I shudder to think.
You really were very shortsighted, Magnum.
I know, Higgins.
I played it like an amateur.
Look, what we got to do is find Yuri before they ship him out of Hawaii.
Don't you think you've bungled this enough as it is? Higgins, he's my client.
My responsibility! Besides that, I like him.
He's imprudent.
Besides that, I'm mad! Real mad.
Hey, easy, man.
When you get mad, you have a tendency to put us all in the soup.
Magnum, this isn't a matter for a private investigator.
It should be turned over to the FBI.
Higgins, It's too late for that.
I know them.
By the time they interview us, file a report, and get instructions from Washington, Yuri will be in Moscow.
Now, we can't let that happen.
Uh-oh.
He's mad, all right.
Where's Yuri? I don't know what you're talking about.
Where's Yuri? I demand to speak to an official representative of the Soviet embassy.
I am from the Ministry of Sports.
How are you getting him out of Hawaii? Untie me! I'll do whatever I have to.
This is not how things are done.
There are rules.
You you you can't kidnap me.
We can do the same to your people.
Oh, I'm not with American Intelligence.
I'm independent.
No rules.
You don't expect me to believe that.
I work strictly for cash.
And you have the only man who can pay me.
Now where is he? You won't shoot me.
Now, where is he? Take your time.
Oh, great.
Well, let's open her up.
They'll be here soon.
What's going on? Who's that? I'll go see what he wants.
You check in here.
Okay.
What do you want? There's been a change! What? There's been a change! Who are you? What? I said, who are you? Come a little closer, I can't hear you! They've rerouted the drop! Who rerouted the drop? Moscow! Where do we go? What? Where do we go? To another pier on Kailua.
Same procedure? Exactly.
What about the boat? They should be there now.
Hey, wait a minute.
But there's the boat.
Come on, Rick.
Let's go.
Come on! Hurry up.
It is eminently satisfying, Magnum, to know that as a result of this, a few heads will roll in Moscow.
You know, when I was in Vienna, the Soviets tried to recruit me as an agent.
Unbelievably crude.
I came home one night to find a naked woman in my bed.
I knew immediately she was Russian.
They use stainless steel instead of gold.
Magnum, what are you doing? Well, with all this talk about strategy.
It's made me think about a skirmish that I was in.
We had to hold our line against an enemy force our own size.
Hmm? What was the terrain? It was a level open field.
Weather conditions? It was clear.
But, uh, it had rained the night before.
I remember the ground was pretty muddy.
I see they tried to flank your right side with a two-pronged attack.
Yeah.
You kept further reserves in the rear, flexible lines, good communications.
Very sound deployment.
That's what we thought.
What happened? They broke through just the same.
I felt responsible.
It was my plan.
Look here, Magnum, the burden of command is never light.
But someone has to lead.
I'm sure you did your best.
I suppose.
But a touchdown so soon in the first quarter.
What? It was the Army-Navy game.
I was team captain.
This was just a football game? It wasn't just a football game, Higgins.
It was the Army-Navy game.
Higgins? Is something wrong?
Russian markings.
I'm on his six.
My fiancee is here with a Soviet track team.
She also wants to defect.
You don't know these people.
I will never get out of here.
It should be turned over to the FBI.
By the time they interview us, file a report, get instructions from Washington, Yuri will be in Moscow.
Where is Yuri? Now, where is he? You won't shoot me.
Blue Light, Beta-One.
We're airborne.
Roger.
You are cleared to Angels 30.
Take a heading of 350 to intercept.
Spark 115.
Over.
Beta-One climbing Angels 30.
Heading 350, Spark 115.
Any change? No, sir.
The aircraft's still approaching.
Have we made contact? There's no reply to our radio transmissions.
When are we intercepting, Major? Any moment, sir.
Any chance that it's one of ours? Blue Light, Beta-One.
Angels 30.
Roger.
Take a heading of 270.
Bogey at 12:00, 40 miles.
Do you have visual contact? Over.
Negative.
Radar only.
Ah, wait one.
We have bogey in sight.
Tallyho! Roger.
Blue Light, it's a MiG-30.
Russian markings.
I'm on his six.
The Russians have never let them out of the Eastern Bloc.
What the hell's it doing here? The pilot doesn't respond to radio contact.
Over.
He might not be able to, sir.
The Russians only give their pilots a narrow frequency band.
They don't want them making foreign contact.
On his six.
On his six.
Come on, we're awaiting instructions.
Roger, wait one.
Beta-One, this is Colonel Halver.
Stay on him.
But don't take any offensive action at this time.
Over.
Roger.
Put the base on alert.
Yes, sir.
Blue Light, he's lowering his gear.
Repeat.
He's lowering his gear.
Beta-One, allow the plane to land.
I request political asylum.
Freedom.
This is for you.
Business had been slow.
Not even a divorce case had come my way in weeks.
And I wasn't the only one going through a lull.
T.
C.
's chopper business was down and the King Kamehameha Club had lost some members to a rival club in Diamond Head.
I intended to use the extra time to keep myself in some kind of shape.
My friends were also spending their time constructively.
No.
The LZ was north of the paddy.
That's where Froggy got lit up.
Damn, T.
C.
I don't know how you could have forgotten that.
Orville, don't write my biography.
The LZ was east of the paddy when we went in to get the team.
Froggy didn't buy it until the next day flying a dust-off.
That's where he first got lit up.
The LZ was hot, remember? Okay, let me guess.
The pea is under that one.
Oh.
Nope.
Sorry.
Very funny.
Hey, listen, you remember when we picked you up in Bihn Lat? Yeah, yeah, uh, Froggy didn't buy it that day.
Did he? Yes, he did.
I don't believe you guys.
Why don't you talk about something a little more pleasant.
Like the flu or taxes.
How about litigation? What? Magnum, has it ever occurred to you when you take your seaside strolls, to leave a note on the door? It would make it so much easier for process servers to locate you.
Process servers? A gentleman is waiting in the guesthouse.
He's a process server? Who's suing you? We can't afford this, Thomas.
Higgins, why'd you let him in? I didn't say he was a process server.
I merely said that a note would facilitate the inevitable process server in finding you.
Who's the guy in the guesthouse? Oddly enough, I suppose he's a prospective client.
Thanks, Higgins.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
I say, Sebastopol.
You've made a slight error, though.
The Russian artillery was closer to the salient.
There.
Higgins' little joke hit too close to home.
As a private investigator, I had collected a few enemies and even more debts.
It was the debts that worried me.
They tended to be much more persistent.
Hi.
Mr.
Magnum? Yes.
You are a private investigator? Yes.
Hi.
You're wearing a swimsuit.
Don't worry, I got a whole closet full of pants.
What can I do for you? "U.
S.
Sales representative of Ekterberg Pharmaceuticals.
Phoenix, Arizona.
" Are you, uh, upset about something, Mr.
Bjornson? No, Mr.
Magnum.
I am not upset.
But I am also not Mr.
Bjornson, Swedish, or a pharmaceutical representative.
Oh.
Then why are you carrying around these funny little cards? It is my cover.
Courtesy of U.
S.
Intelligence.
My real name is Yuri Dolgov.
I defected from the Soviet Union a year ago in a MiG-30.
Well, that's quite a piece of hardware.
I bet you there's a lot of people in Moscow who aren't too fond of you.
I am not here to discuss myself.
My fiancee is here in Hawaii with a Soviet track team.
She also wants to defect but the team is watched very closely.
I cannot go to her, they know me.
I want you to help.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this a little more for your friends in the government? They will not help in the defection of visiting athletes.
It is considered bad manners.
They will help only afterwards.
Let me ask you this: Don't you think it's a little funny, the Soviets letting her travel? She did only the right things.
She denounced me at party meetings on on television.
Besides, they want her to win gold medals.
Mr.
Magnum, do you have an alcoholic beverage? I find this stressful.
I'm sorry.
Um, Scotch? Do you have vodka? Brandy.
Scotch will be satisfactory.
Ice? No.
Never.
The little voice, the one that tries to warn me, it was trying to tell me something.
I just didn't know what.
Here you go.
Mr.
Magnum, when I defected, I left my country, my my language, even my identity.
But now there is the possibility to have my love with me.
Can you understand that? Yes.
Tell me this: Are you sure, though, that she's ready to make this move? Of course! She always wanted to! Just take it easy.
I just don't like getting egg on my face.
We planned everything together.
The the denunciations.
Everything.
Okay, okay.
That's fine.
Wonderful.
It will be very simple.
I have already devised a plan.
Mr.
Magnum, please do put on your pants.
My little voice still wasn't specific.
Just sort of generally suspicious.
So, I checked Yuri out with a buddy at Naval Intelligence.
As far as I could tell, he was legit.
And so was his story.
Unfortunately, the little voice didn't shut up.
Over there.
Will you recognize her later? Who could forget? Over there on the right, he's a KGB agent.
How do you know? Only idiots and KGB would wear a suit like that in Hawaii.
There are probably one or two more.
Down there is the gate the athletes go through to get to the showers.
You can get to Nina there.
Is she gonna understand me? Her English is very good.
What if she doesn't trust me? Show her this.
All right.
You go wait in the car.
I don't want anybody seeing you.
Nina.
I'm a friend of Yuri's.
He sent me to get you.
Nina.
Nina.
Do you understand? Yuri? I'm here to take you to him.
Can I help you? Oh, yes.
Yes, you can.
I'm a big fan of Miss Markova's.
I saw her run the last Olympics.
Do you have a pen? I'd love to get her autograph.
It's not for me, really.
See, it's for my kids.
Who is this? I don't know.
The athletes are in training.
You should not bother them.
Oh, I don't want to bother her.
I just want her autograph.
Do you have a pen? Pencil will do fine.
You go now.
My kids will be real disappointed.
Go away.
Hey, what's the big deal? I will call the guard.
Okay.
That's not necessary.
I just wanted an autograph.
Come with me.
Where is she? I told you to stay in the car.
I couldn't wait.
You couldn't wait? What if somebody sees you? Magnum, it's been over a year.
I love her.
You could have loused everything up.
Except she beat you to it.
What do you mean? Nina treated me like I had the plague.
She she was probably very frightened.
Oh, that's terrific! I feel much better.
D- Don't worry.
I'll find another way to get to her.
Why don't you get yourself another boy? Why? Remember I told you I didn't like getting egg on my face? Well, right now, I'm wearing a whole omelet.
That is no reason to quit.
All right, I'll give you a reason.
I'll give you three reasons.
Number 1: It was a lousy plan.
You had us out in the open.
Number 2: You didn't do what I told you.
Number 3: You're probably barking up the wrong tree.
She is not the wrong tree! Lmpotence! I hate impotence! Hey.
American garbage.
Full of plastic.
Tell me something.
Why'd you do it? What? Defect.
You said you gave up a lot.
Why'd you do it? I ate too much.
What? If you eat too much, it comes back up.
I ate too much.
Too much political indoctrination, too many lies.
Too many hours standing in lines for this, for that.
The trouble is I forgot about the good things.
Things I would miss.
People, faces, smells.
I spend time, a lot of time, thinking about it.
Wish you hadn't done it? Sometimes.
But then I remember when I was a child there was something I wanted to do.
It was impossible.
To see the Grand Canyon.
Last month I saw the Grand Canyon.
It was more beautiful than in my imagination.
Magnum, two days.
Then the track team leaves.
That's all I have to get her.
You let me make the plan this time.
Come on, T.
C.
How am I supposed to brief us? Will you get that out of my face, please? Hold on, hold on.
I think I'm getting it.
Thomas, can't you just show us the pictures? They're not pictures.
They're slides.
I thought it'd be easier.
You know, more professional.
But I didn't know Thomas Alva Edison here would have trouble with the equipment.
Okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Try it now.
Oh, come on, T.
C.
Is it too much to ask to get my slides right side up? Minor problem, minor problem.
Not to worry.
I forgot what a nasty CO you can be.
Okay, there.
Thank you.
Now, the athletes are staying at the Quilliam Hotel.
They are housed in the llimi wing.
Now, Nina is in a cottage, uh, number 114.
We'll have to get to her there.
Um, T.
M.
, did you come up with this plan all by your lonesome? Yeah.
What's the matter? I don't know.
Well, I don't know yet.
I just keep remembering the plan you had to get all of the POW's out of Cambodia.
T.
C.
, there is no comparison between that plan and this one.
I hope not.
I don't need anymore scars.
Come on.
Will you just pay attention, please? I'm all ears and eyes.
Now, there are at least two Soviet agents acting as watchdogs and traveling with the Soviet team.
They'll have to be diverted.
But in a nonviolent manner.
We don't want to create any more of an international incident than we have to.
Great.
What about a little international incident? This is Kalugin.
He's the muscle.
He spends most of his time at the pool trying to keep track of the other athletes.
This is Tarasov.
He's registered as a representative of the Ministry of Sports.
Now, I think he's the head man.
He spends most of his time in his room, but he does make spot checks on the athletes.
Now, I think that there's a third agent.
I call him the Turk.
Just seemed appropriate.
I just thought it up while I was casing.
Anyway, there's no record of him with the Soviet team.
But I'm sure he's involved in surveillance.
He has kind of a trenchcoat-air about him.
We got to watch out for him.
Also, we got to watch out for the other athletes 'cause a lot of them are informers.
Okay.
Okay, guys.
Come over here.
Why? Because this is the plan, that's why.
Uh, just one question, sir.
Yeah? Uh, you just showed us two guys that we have to divert? Right.
And then we need one guy to get the girl out.
That's right.
Then we need a point man for this Turk dude.
That's exactly correct.
Oh, the way I figure it, that leaves us one man short.
Funny you should mention short.
Gee, Higgins, can I play, too? This is hardly a game, Magnum.
Well, you could have fooled me.
Toy soldiers, toy horses, toy carnage.
This is a faithful reproduction of the Battle of Austerlitz.
I'm lecturing on it at the Hawaiian Napoleonic Society.
Oh, of course.
That's every other Wednesday, isn't it? It's the first Tuesday of every month.
Oh.
Ooh! Is this the little general himself? That's General Kutuzov.
And I wish you'd put him down.
You're quite a student of tactics, aren't you, Higgins? Strategy and tactics, yes.
What do you want, Magnum? Oh, I need you to help me with a case.
Me? Magnum, you know how I feel about your work.
Yeah.
I need you to talk to a guy at a hotel.
You haven't got a prayer.
Why me? Uh, I need a special kind of conversationalist.
A scholar.
You're the only guy I can think of.
Does this business fall anywhere within the parameters of the law? Absolutely.
And it's important to you? Very.
Then you would be willing to negotiate for my participation? Not in the least.
Good.
We'll start with your use of the hot tub.
What did you say? Not in the least.
Good night, Magnum.
Ah, of course Oh, Higgins, you served in Vienna after the war, didn't you? I was liaison to the Soviet Army of occupation, yes.
You know that? Yeah, they kind of pushed you around a little, didn't they? The Russians? Made you hand over defectors, POW's? I hate to think of what happened to those poor people.
The Soviets were our allies then.
We were carrying out national policy.
Yeah, I know.
How'd you feel about it? Magnum, a soldier often has to do things that are disagreeable.
Yeah, there's disagreeable, and there's disagreeable.
It was loathsome and I shall never forgive them.
Are you satisfied? How'd you like to get even? It had been a long time since I said, "Let's synchronize watches.
" And it gave me absolutely no thrill to say it this morning.
I still had an uneasy feeling, despite all the work I'd put into this.
Something just didn't feel right.
My client, on the other hand, was very pleased with things.
I don't like it at all.
Everyone has something to do but me.
Look All I do is sit! Stay put this time, will you? I don't like even getting you this close.
Well, I wasn't going to just sit at home and wait! Ah.
Impotence! Look, I know you hate it.
Just don't kick anything, will you? I'm afraid that, uh, sometimes I'm imprudent.
It caused me much trouble with the military.
Well, I can understand that.
I could have been much happier in life if I would have been more prudent.
Yeah.
Listen, this will all be over in a few minutes.
I want you to just try and relax, okay, Yuri? Take it easy.
Magnum.
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, they said at the desk that, uh, you're with the Soviet track team.
Yes.
Splendid.
The name's Lovelace.
I'm with the Honolulu Institute for Marxist Studies.
I've been quite anxious to chat with a Soviet citizen.
Do you mind? Ah? You are conversant with Socialist theory, are you not? What? Socialism.
Uh, communism.
Are you a party member? Yes.
Of course.
Good.
You see, some of us at the Institute have been having a little argument.
Uh, perhaps you can set it straight.
I don't understand.
Well, it's quite simple.
According to Marxist dialectics, gradual social progress can never lead to anything worthwhile.
Yes? Reforms constitute progress only if they operate as a foreign body in the existing system thereby accelerating decline.
Is that not so? Uh? Yes, of course.
The question is how does Marx reconcile dialectic philosophy with his own economic interpretation of history? I beg your pardon? Poor guy.
Okay, Rick, you're up.
Okay.
Pay the check.
Did you hear that? Oh, yeah.
Hey, man.
Wait a minute.
I didn't even buy a drink.
What am I doing paying the check? What are you doing? Hey, is this that shot-putter's room, Olga Sankina? And, uh, who are you? I'm a reporter with The Honolulu Night Lighter.
What do you want from Miss, uh, Sankina? You see, that's just it.
She ain't a miss at all.
We got the doctor's report.
She's got too many chromosomes or, I don't know, maybe not enough.
But all I know is this.
She's this far from being a mister.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah? Well, um, why don't we just ask Olga about it, huh? You can't annoy the athletes with this nonsense.
The hell I can't.
Go away from here.
You ever hear of the First Amendment? Yeah, you can discuss it with hotel security.
Come on, let go of me, will you? I intend to.
I intend to.
Let's go.
Listen, we got to be careful.
Her roommate might come back.
We need a code? No, you just get rid of her.
That's easy for you to say.
What do you want? You remember me? Yuri sent me.
Go away.
Terrific.
I know you're frightened.
Go, please.
I never should've went in on this.
Here.
Oh, God.
Where is he? He's outside.
Waiting.
Go.
You must go.
Nina, we came to take you out of here.
No.
You must go before someone's coming.
Nina, look, I have gone through a lot of trouble here.
Yuri said you wanted this.
I don't.
I knew it.
I knew it.
How can I be such a sucker? Wait.
You don't know these people.
I will never get out of here.
You will if you want to.
I've taken care of things.
They know who you are.
They saw you at the track.
It will never work.
Okay.
Fine.
It will never work! Next time, I'll listen to that little voice Wait.
Wait.
You're asking me to make a decision that can't be changed.
Nina? I'm not asking you to do anything.
I don't know what's out there.
Can you understand? I don't know what will be my life.
You'll have Yuri.
Does that still mean something? Let's go.
What is it? One of your teammates.
Psst! Come on! You're gonna hear about this, pal.
This ain't Russia.
You can't stifle the press here! We have rights in this country, you pickle, bimbo, you! How fortunate that in your country scandalmongers are not permitted.
But to return to my earlier point, if communism is a historical inevitability, as Marx believed I guess I better go warn Higgins, huh? Hold it.
I said, hold it! I'm the house detective.
Now, what's going on here? The house detective? That's terrific.
Don't give me that "terrific," hotshot.
I've been eyeing this situation.
Now what's going on? There's There's really nothing to be alarmed about.
Then why are you sneaking around? Well, if you want to know the truth, we're not exactly married and there are some people out front and if they saw us it wouldn't look too good, you know what I mean? You're one of them Russians aren't you? Look, couldn't we settle this with a little green piece of paper.
You now, the kind with Andrew Jackson's picture on it? Ma'am, is he making you do something against your will? We don't have to put up with this, dear.
Something depraved? This is ridiculous! Well, let's see some ID.
What do we do? You explain yourselves, that's what you do.
Now, let's see some ID! All right.
Um, get my wallet in your purse, dear.
I think it's right there Is he all right? He just won't be eating any solid foods for a while, that's all.
Come on.
Of course, I think Marx went a bit far, saying the classes have no common interests at all.
Religion, patriotism can't, uh, be dismissed out of hand.
Well, uh, I must be off.
I can't tell you how fascinating it's been listening to your opinions.
Goodbye.
And, uh Where's Yuri? Where is he? Where is he? What's happened? I finally figured out what the little voice was trying to tell me.
I knew something was off the whole time.
L I just smelled it.
How could I be so damn blind? Easy.
The same way you were in Cambodia.
I knew it! I knew it! It was just staring me right in the face.
Your strategy overlooked the larger picture.
I am aware of that, Higgins! Thank you.
Did it ever cross your mind that Nina was only bait? No, Higgins, it didn't! Some things didn't cross his mind in Cambodia, either.
T.
C.
What are they gonna do to him, Higgins? Well, first they'll find out how much he's told the Americans.
Then they'll use him for propaganda.
Parade him around.
Say he came back on his own.
Couldn't stand the decadent west.
After they've made their points Well, I shudder to think.
You really were very shortsighted, Magnum.
I know, Higgins.
I played it like an amateur.
Look, what we got to do is find Yuri before they ship him out of Hawaii.
Don't you think you've bungled this enough as it is? Higgins, he's my client.
My responsibility! Besides that, I like him.
He's imprudent.
Besides that, I'm mad! Real mad.
Hey, easy, man.
When you get mad, you have a tendency to put us all in the soup.
Magnum, this isn't a matter for a private investigator.
It should be turned over to the FBI.
Higgins, It's too late for that.
I know them.
By the time they interview us, file a report, and get instructions from Washington, Yuri will be in Moscow.
Now, we can't let that happen.
Uh-oh.
He's mad, all right.
Where's Yuri? I don't know what you're talking about.
Where's Yuri? I demand to speak to an official representative of the Soviet embassy.
I am from the Ministry of Sports.
How are you getting him out of Hawaii? Untie me! I'll do whatever I have to.
This is not how things are done.
There are rules.
You you you can't kidnap me.
We can do the same to your people.
Oh, I'm not with American Intelligence.
I'm independent.
No rules.
You don't expect me to believe that.
I work strictly for cash.
And you have the only man who can pay me.
Now where is he? You won't shoot me.
Now, where is he? Take your time.
Oh, great.
Well, let's open her up.
They'll be here soon.
What's going on? Who's that? I'll go see what he wants.
You check in here.
Okay.
What do you want? There's been a change! What? There's been a change! Who are you? What? I said, who are you? Come a little closer, I can't hear you! They've rerouted the drop! Who rerouted the drop? Moscow! Where do we go? What? Where do we go? To another pier on Kailua.
Same procedure? Exactly.
What about the boat? They should be there now.
Hey, wait a minute.
But there's the boat.
Come on, Rick.
Let's go.
Come on! Hurry up.
It is eminently satisfying, Magnum, to know that as a result of this, a few heads will roll in Moscow.
You know, when I was in Vienna, the Soviets tried to recruit me as an agent.
Unbelievably crude.
I came home one night to find a naked woman in my bed.
I knew immediately she was Russian.
They use stainless steel instead of gold.
Magnum, what are you doing? Well, with all this talk about strategy.
It's made me think about a skirmish that I was in.
We had to hold our line against an enemy force our own size.
Hmm? What was the terrain? It was a level open field.
Weather conditions? It was clear.
But, uh, it had rained the night before.
I remember the ground was pretty muddy.
I see they tried to flank your right side with a two-pronged attack.
Yeah.
You kept further reserves in the rear, flexible lines, good communications.
Very sound deployment.
That's what we thought.
What happened? They broke through just the same.
I felt responsible.
It was my plan.
Look here, Magnum, the burden of command is never light.
But someone has to lead.
I'm sure you did your best.
I suppose.
But a touchdown so soon in the first quarter.
What? It was the Army-Navy game.
I was team captain.
This was just a football game? It wasn't just a football game, Higgins.
It was the Army-Navy game.
Higgins? Is something wrong?