Magnum, P.I. (1980) s03e03 Episode Script
Ki'i's Don't Lie (1)
Unless that ki'i is returned, all who have touched it are doomed.
Rick, you don't believe the curse.
I'm sure you'll make an excellent team.
- I sometimes get very lonely.
Don't you? - Sometimes.
Hi, guys.
You're telling us this has got a curse on it? Something wrong? This is crazy.
Yes? May I help you? Sir? Uh, you recently purchased a ki'i from the island of Molokai? Yes.
A statue of Kalai-pahoa, the Poison-god.
- A beautiful piece.
- It's taken me a long time to trace.
It's probably changed hands many times.
That's common with such pieces.
They're highly sought after.
No, you don't understand.
I found that ki'i in a cave in Wailea.
It's sacred to a great chief.
The kahuna who guards it told me if I didn't return the ki'i, I would die.
You mean it's cursed? There is a curse on practically every piece of native art from the Pacific Islands if you believe in that sort of thing.
Listen! The curse is real.
I can feel it working.
- Just a minute.
Take your hands off me.
- I must have that ki'i.
- I don't have it.
- Where is it? I have to know.
I have to return it to the cave.
That's impossible.
It was sold while I was on vacation.
By now, it could be anywhere.
Besides, I assure you, that curse is nothing more than mythology.
Unless that ki'i is returned, all who have touched it are doomed.
No! Aargh! I know it's hard to believe, but even in paradise, it's possible to have a bad day.
The nice thing about paradise is you've got great places to get away from it all.
For me, it's the water.
Sitting on my surf ski 100 yards offshore is like being in another worid.
It's quiet and calm and there's a lot of space between me and anyone on the island.
It's a nice safe feeling.
But even paradise has its share of hassles, but if I can't forget them here, at least I can see them coming.
- Hello, Catherine.
- Jonathan.
I have found something so special for the auction.
Dennis? You've already done so much.
Oh, nonsense! This orphanage is very important to me.
Wait till you see this.
What a magnificent ki'i.
It's Kalai-pahoa, I believe.
Right.
The Poison-god.
He is ominous-looking, isn't he? This is one of the few of its kind left still privately owned.
I think it'll do very nicely for us.
- The rest of the items will arrive tomorrow.
- Fine.
- About security - I've got somebody in mind.
I hope he's not too expensive.
You know how thin our budget is.
No, no.
Not to worry.
He's quite reasonable.
Oh.
Well, do you have someplace safe to store the ki'i? Yes.
Put it in the den.
I'll get my security expert and join you on the patio.
Don't take long.
We've got a million details to work out.
A minute, I promise.
I say, Magnum.
Higgins you'll be interested in this.
The strangest thing just happened.
I was sailing along, as slick as you please, and all of a sudden, I just fell off.
It was weird.
Then I couldn't get back on.
It's interesting, isn't it? Magnum, I keep hoping that at some propitious juncture you'll see there are more important things than aquatic pursuits.
Forget it.
Nice set of wheels.
A Rolls-Royce is considerably more than a nice set of wheels.
- Who does it belong to? - Catherine Hailey.
Co-chair of the Makahu Orphanage auction, taking place here on the 5th.
She's a lovely lady, a tireless worker and an expert on Hawaiian art, which is perfect as Hawaiian culture is the theme of the auction.
We have items from all over the island.
- The auction's on the 5th, right? - Yes.
And there'll be all sorts of people - blue blood and all that? Which is why I want to talk to you.
Don't bother.
I know what you're going to say.
- You do? - Sure.
You don't want to seem impolite or insensitive, but you'd rather I made myself scarce on the day, in exchange for which you will make some minor concession regarding the car or the wine cellar or the tennis court, right? Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly.
Your intuitive grasp of human nature is so so - Perceptive? - Pre-adolescent.
You can relax, Higgins.
I will be gone all day.
Oh? Yes.
The 5th is the annual surf ski race from Kahuku to Punaluu.
I'll be gone and it won't cost you a thing.
Actually, I was hoping for your presence at the auction.
Planning on it, in fact.
What? Mr.
Masters is extremely concerned, as am I, that we have first-rate security here for the next few days.
- He's made a very generous donation.
- What? You.
Starting tomorrow morning.
Higgins, that isn't fair.
Come on, I got a race.
Higgins, I got a race.
Are you afraid this is a bit more than you can handle? All it takes is a security check at the gate and some extra manpower.
That's very impressive.
I'm Catherine Hailey, Mr? Magnum.
Thomas Magnum.
You must be the security expert Jonathan mentioned.
What were you saying about extra manpower? Well, I'll probably use my usual associates.
A hand-picked crew.
- How reliable are they? - Very.
To make you feel better, I'll run checks on everyone.
- Everyone? - Yes.
Outside and in - even on you.
- Come now, Magnum.
- No, Jonathan, he's quite right.
I'm very impressed with Mr.
Magnum's thoroughness.
In fact, perhaps we could discuss it over dinner tonight.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I have other plans.
- Nothing that can't be changed.
I'm sure you'll make an excellent team.
Come, Catherine.
- Nice meeting you.
- Dennis.
Big.
Working for the auction didn't bother menot that much, but I didn't like how Higgins had approached me.
There's a right and wrong way to ask for a favor, especially when dealing with friends.
The right way is done directly with some consideration and diplomacy.
It's honest and it's straightforward and that's why it always works.
No way, Thomas.
Come on, guys.
It's two days.
Three at the most.
Are you kidding? 15 minutes around Higgins and I start to break out.
Yeah, but this is a good cause.
Yeah, right.
The Thomas Magnum Relief Fund.
Mm-hmm.
Ten.
I'll take mine again.
Man, I'm taking care of the best cause I know - me.
I got this fox coming in from Los Ángeles, man.
Ooh! Two days, three nights in Honolulu.
- Sounds like a vacation package.
- Yep, mine.
Pass.
OK.
I just figured I'd ask.
You guys would understand what this means and say, "Sure, I'd like to help those kids.
" I mean, that's what I thought you'd say, but I guess I was wrong.
- It wouldn't be the first time.
- Come on, Thomas.
Get off that guilt trip.
That's the oldest con in the books.
Yeah, and what do you mean, "It wouldn't be the first time"? I promised you a long time ago I'd never mention that.
- Mention what? What did Orville do? - Wait a minute.
It's something that happened in Saigon, but I promised Rick I'd never mention it.
What was that snake lady's name? That's not fair, Thomas, it's really not.
- What's not fair? - It's personal.
It's funny.
It's like what happened to you that time at Madam Wu's.
That sword-swallower from the Lotus Festival? Ah! What do you think? What do I think? I think it's a piece of cake.
- How are you feeling? - Worse.
Much worse.
I I can't believe this is happening to me.
Well, don't worry about it.
We'll get the ki'i back.
You hired the right guys, Harold.
It'll be like picking pineapples off a tree.
- Pineapples don't grow on trees.
- Figure of speech, A.
J.
- Great show.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry you had to change your plans tonight.
I didn't have any plans.
I just like to be asked, not ordered.
I didn't mean it as an order.
I wasn't talking about you.
I was referring to Higgins.
See this? This is a replica of the rice god, Monowana.
The natives used to believe that rice was raindrops that had been blessed by the god, so they had to be careful how they worshipped him, because if they didn't do it exactly right they'd never get food just wet.
- Really? - Mm.
- Monowana? - Mm-hmm.
There is no rice god.
In fact, there wasn't any rice until the Chinese brought it in.
Think you're real smart, don't you? I know it wasn't a very good story, but you could smile.
Where'd you learn about Hawaiian culture? It's amazing what you pick up collecting.
- Like the ki'i? - Yeah, like the ki'i.
- It is lovely, isn't it? - Higgins showed it to me.
I guess lovely is in the eyes of the beholder.
Is there something wrong? Uh, just a little dizzy.
It just seems to be happening lately.
It's funny how you always seem to work harder when you're not getting paid.
I'm sure it'll go away after the auction tomorrow.
- You're sure you're OK? - I'm fine.
Really.
It's better.
Let's see.
Where was I? Oh.
Where'd you get the ki'i? I bought it, from a woman in Los Ángeles named Alex Huston.
She collects pre-Colombian, so I got a good price.
L.
A.
? Is that where you're from? Sometimes.
Somehow I get the distinct feeling we are not getting off on the best foot.
No.
I'm just doing my job, Miss Hailey.
And so am I.
If we're gonna work together, I don't want tension between us.
- That sounds reasonable.
- Things can be a lot simpler that way.
Why did you want to have dinner with me? - I just wanted to discuss the auction.
- And? And despite some material advantages I sometimes get very lonely.
Don't you? Sometimes.
But never on a case.
I don't have a good feeling about this.
There's gotta be a legal way.
If we go to the police, they're gonna impound the ki'i.
Sands is feeling worse by the minute.
He looks terrible.
Rick, you don't believe that curse stuff.
No, but he does and the sooner we get it back to him, the better he'll feel.
- That'll be one of us.
- Oh, come on.
Just relax.
Every time you say "relax" to me, I get into trouble.
- What if we get caught? - We won't get caught.
Imagine what the jails are like here.
I don't like macadamia nuts.
We are not gonna get caught.
Anyway, how tough can it be? This is Hawaii.
Aloha.
"I smiled modestly as the Duke shook my hand "and thanked me for a job well done.
"I had looked forward to a well-earned vacation.
"However, as I turned away, I heard the words, "'We have some trouble in Patagonia.
' "Needless to say, I didn't unpack.
" Come, lads.
- Who the blazes are you? - I seem to have set something off here.
May I ask what you're doing here? Yeah.
I'm Schuster.
Al Schuster.
Cando, North Dakota.
I'm glad to see a friendly face.
Me and the little woman were driving for an hour She's asleep in the back of the car.
She's so tired, poor thing.
We've been driving around trying to find y'all.
It's our first vacation over the water.
It's exciting.
I think we'll just hit the hammocks and skip the comp dinner - Hammocks? - Yeah, the hammocks This is the Kahaluna Resort, isn't it? It certainly is not.
Would you mind taking your hands off the gate? Oh.
OK.
Let's see Here we go.
Kahaluna Resort, right there.
That map's been out of date for years.
They tore the Kahaluna down back in '68, I believe.
I recall escorting Clive Jackson-Parr and his lovely wife Astrid there.
It had a chemin de fer table equal to anything in Monte Carlo.
I was quite a chemi player myself.
I've passed the shoe to the best of them.
I remember playing with Ferdinand II - a rather sore loser who He was of the nobility as far as the peerage was concerned, but the police still thought Excuse me.
What is it, lads? Come, lads.
It never used to be like this in the old days.
It used to be giris in grass skirts and surfing, rum drinks with umbrellas, now it's Dobermans, security systems, barbed wire.
They call this paradise! This is Hawaii - Jewel of the Pacific, Land of Enchantment.
That's New Mexico.
I'm telling you, Higgins, I checked.
There's nobody there.
Someone was here.
They tried to breach security while you were dallying.
Dallying? It was your idea to take Catherine out, even though socializing with a client is against my professional ethics.
Hardly a client - she's a friend.
I wasn't dallying.
Something's burning.
Get it outside.
Must've been a short circuit.
It's a pity to have lost that beautiful Mulahuni.
- Magnum, the ki'i.
Where is it? - It's right there.
Oh, there it is.
- I swear that's not where I left it.
- Oh, come on, Higgins.
I'll take care of things.
Get some rest.
This auction is starting to get to you.
Perhaps you're right.
You will mend that circuit in the morning? Higgins, everything is under control.
After I cleaned up the living room, I went right to sleep and had a very strange dream.
Higgins was auctioning me off to a group of smoking ki'is.
No one was bidding and Higgins couldn't give me away.
Finally, Catherine stood up and took me off their hands.
She was just about to put me in a bank vault when I woke up.
I was gonna be glad when this whole thing was over.
- Yeah? - Will-Kill pest control.
- Yeah, so what do you want? - You're kidding? Are you sure you got the right address? I've been protecting this place for three years and I phoned ahead.
- I don't got all day - OK, OK, keep your lid on.
Hey, Higgins! Must we shout? Some guy has some spraying to do.
Send him in.
I'll be at the main house momentarily to supervise.
OK.
Spray away, Jose.
Yo.
"Strip wire A and then connect to terminal.
"Do not touch wire B until terminal is connected.
" I hope you're wire A.
What are you doing? What does it look like? I'm spraying C-17.
I can't wait all day on that repair.
All we need is another fire.
Higgins, who is this guy? They spray every six months, in the morning when the real worid doesn't exist for you.
- Why didn't you check with me first? - Check with you? Maintenance is my responsibility.
I don't want him spraying while the auct - It's on the beach.
- I'll go with you.
No.
You watch the house.
- Thomas, that lady I was telling - I need your help.
But what about my date? Wait a minute.
Just spray the base board.
I've been doing this for ten years and somebody always wants to give pointers.
If you're going to stand there, I'm going to get another mask.
Why - is it dangerous? Are you an ant? If you're an ant, it's fatal.
If you're not, you just get sick.
You get sick, I get fired and there goes six years of college.
- I'm gonna get another mask.
- No.
Just hurry, please.
Right.
Hey.
Forgot your sunscreen.
No, man.
I never use sunscreen - not when I'm surfing, you know? You're not surfing.
- Why not? - Because there's no surf.
Oh.
You touch that fence? Gee, man, I don't know.
Maybe my surfboard.
Maybe I - Who turned you onto this place? - Oh, Big Jimbo.
You know Big Jimbo off at Sunset Beach? Big Jimbo, huh? Hey, he never said anything about private, man.
That goes to show you can't believe everything Big Jimbo says.
He's never been wrong before.
Maybe I'll cruise on back up to Sunset and check out and see what he says next.
Hey hang loose, bro.
Huh? - You through already? - How long does it take to kill some ants? See ya.
How much longer is this going to? Oh, my God! - Thomas, I'm sorry.
- Higgins cleared it.
Which way did he go? He went left.
Hey, I'll try and find out about the van.
What the hell's wrong with this thing? There it is.
- Come on.
- Come on? What are we after now? Oh, yeah, I can see it now.
We're gonna stop all the cars on Kalakaua Drive lookin' for a ki'i.
"If you'll just open your trunk.
We wanna see if you have a poison-god in there.
" - Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey there, yourself.
Hey, guys.
Hang ten, huh? How's it going? Thought you were going up to Sunset.
Oh, yeah, man.
Like, I was gonna go there or maybe Mahaki.
These are heavy decisions, huh? Maybe you oughta ask Big Jimbo.
Yeah.
I was thinking I might cruise on into Honolulu.
Talk to Big Jimbo or Lola - this girl, you should see her hang ten.
- You could use some wax.
- It's a rented car.
Not the car, the board, hotshot.
- It's a rented board, y'know what I mean? - Uh, Thomas! - Hold it right there.
- Thomas.
Wax that, hotshot.
Shall we go? Thank you.
Aloha! - This thing gives me the creeps.
- You sound like Harold.
Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a small change in the items for auction.
Number 34, the Hawaiian folk-art sculpture of the Kalai-pahoa has been removed from the bidding.
We're sorry for the disappointment and inconvenience.
Let us begin with this rare and valuable Louis XV ladies' writing desk, graciously donated by Eleanor Hastings-Boyle of Kahala.
Shall we start the bidding at 1,000? Mabel, would you mind taking over for a moment? I believe that Jonathan said he wanted a thousand and that piece is definitely a thousand.
Yeah, that's great, Mousey.
Thanks.
What? Look me up when you get out.
Anything? The Will-Kill van was snatched when the driver went to get a donut.
We got the license number.
It's a rental.
Do I look like the DMV? This could take hours.
- This isn't pulling rabbits out of a hat.
- Rick - Magnum.
- Uh-oh, I think I need some coffee.
You look even more vacuous than usual.
You've failed, haven't you? Well, no.
We've had a temporary setback, but at least we know who we're after.
Well, we don't exactly know who we're after, but But the ki'i is gone, isn't it? Probably for good.
After all that talk about security, not mixing business with pleasure - You're not being fair.
- Damn right I'm not.
Thanks to your brilliant performance, the orphanage is out $50,000.
That is a lot of lunches and a lot of beds.
There is something else going on here.
Two guys break into the estate and the only thing they touch is the ki'i.
Why? Catherine? Jonathan, I don't feel very well.
Could I possibly have a glass of water? Of course.
You said you bought the ki'i from someone in LA.
What was her name? Not now, Magnum.
Can't you see she's not well? - OK, I've got it.
- Got what? - Car was rented from the Blue Grotto Arms.
- Get T.
C.
Let's go.
I've been pulling this cab all summer, run ten miles a day on the beach.
I'm in great shape.
So how come all I want to do right now is sleep? - That'll be 36.
50.
- Thirty? Great idea.
Thank you.
The sooner we put this thing in Harold's arms, the sooner I can start to celebrate.
I just wanna get out of here and go home.
I do not like it here.
What's wrong with this? - It just stopped.
- I want to get off.
Harold? Hey! Harold? We got it.
We got it.
- Here you go.
- Thank God.
I must return it to the cave.
Harold? - He's dead, A.
J.
- Hi, guys.
This probably doesn't look good, but we can explain.
- We're private investigators.
- Simon and Simon.
You're not surfing exterminators? - Who's he? - That's our client, Harold Sands.
They're P.
I.
S, all right.
California.
- Can we put our hands down? - Sure.
No.
I was just gonna cover up Harold.
Don't you think we ought to leave the body till the cops get here? Before we call them, maybe you could just hit the high spots? OK.
Harold Sand owns owned an antique store in Beverly Hills.
A few months ago, a lady named Alex Huston conned him out of that thing.
- Conned? - Conned.
Yeah.
She was young and pretty and Harold wasn't.
- He hired us to get it back for him.
- Get it back or steal it back? We found out it had been donated to an auction by a very rich lady from Los Ángeles.
I don't know how you hotshots operate in California, but couldn't you just have explained? No.
Harold didn't have time.
He thought he was dying from the curse.
That's right.
Curse of the Poison-god.
Oogaboogah! We didn't believe it either.
Harold did.
You're telling us this thing has a curse on it? Harold thought the only way to get rid of the curse was to put it in a cave on Molokai near Wali - Wailea? - Yeah.
Harold thought that until we did that, whoever had the thing would have curse.
That's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard.
Trade winds.
Even if I believed you guys, which I don't, you owe Higgins a lot of money.
- Huh? - Wait a minute.
How do you figure that? Easy.
This ki'i is worth big bucks.
Uh, Thomas? Excuse me, fellas.
That's the lady.
That's Alex Huston.
- That's Catherine Hailey.
- Alex Huston.
I'm very grateful for your tireless efforts on the children's behalf.
I am just glad that the auction was such a success.
Would you mind? That is an awful lot of cash to be carrying around.
- Are you sure you don't want to come? - You'll be fine.
You have Dennis.
Yes.
Well - Lunch tomorrow? - Of course.
Why don't you invite Magnum to come along too? I suppose I was a little sharp with him.
It's not really his fault the ki'i was stolen.
- Until tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
Higgins! Higgins.
Oh! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? This isn't Le Mans.
Did you apprehend the blackguards? You got them? Jolly good work.
First rate.
Where are they? - At the hotel with Rick and T.
C.
- What? - What about the ki'i? - It's with them.
They're working for the guy who owned it, but it was stolen.
He had to get it back because he was dying of this curse.
Actually, he is dead - Magnum.
- I'll explain later.
Where's Catherine? Gone to the bank with the proceeds from the auction.
You sent her to the bank? - Yes.
- With money? With cashier's checks and $200,000.
- Tell me what's going on.
- What time is it, Higgins? Exactly 4:14.
- The bank closes at three.
- But the airport's open all night.
It was an uncomfortable ride to the airport.
It wasn't easy telling Higgins he'd been had.
He took it stoically, but the look on his face told me plenty.
Because not only did Catherine steal $200,000 from him, she stole his pride too.
to the airline's ticket office.
L.
A.
She said she was from L.
A.
There's a flight leaving in five minutes.
Gate 7B.
All passengers on flight 1 to Tokio report to concourse B, area A.
I say, Magnum, would you? Please? Hi, Dennis.
Departing flight 145 for San Francisco is now ready for boarding on the upper level.
Gate 27.
- Hold that plane.
- Sorry, she's taking off.
You'll be more than sorry.
You'll be responsible for the death of my niece.
Geraldine was so excited about her trip that she forgot her heart medicine.
Mimi, it's Roy.
We've got a medical emergency on board.
Open up.
Oh! Aargh! This way, Geraldine.
- Well done, Magnum.
- Well done, yourself.
Let's go.
Good idea.
Before the cops change their mind.
I can't wait to get back on solid ground.
- Like California? - Yeah.
Look, we're sorry if we put you through any hassle.
Oh.
Look at it from our point of view - everything we did made sense at the time.
Aloha, guys.
- See ya.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
Take it easy.
Hey, wait a minute.
What about the ki'i? Cops took it.
This is crazy! I'm beginning to wonder about you.
The coroner said the guy died of a heart attack, not a curse.
Higgins said it's worth about 50 grand.
He won't like you burying it in some cave.
Come on, guys.
Even the police said it would be better if the ki'i went back to Wailea.
Something wrong? No, it couldn't be.
Just had an overhaul week before last.
The mixture must be too rich.
Yeah, it must be.
You are gonna keep that thing closed the whole trip? Yes.
Rick, you don't believe the curse.
I'm sure you'll make an excellent team.
- I sometimes get very lonely.
Don't you? - Sometimes.
Hi, guys.
You're telling us this has got a curse on it? Something wrong? This is crazy.
Yes? May I help you? Sir? Uh, you recently purchased a ki'i from the island of Molokai? Yes.
A statue of Kalai-pahoa, the Poison-god.
- A beautiful piece.
- It's taken me a long time to trace.
It's probably changed hands many times.
That's common with such pieces.
They're highly sought after.
No, you don't understand.
I found that ki'i in a cave in Wailea.
It's sacred to a great chief.
The kahuna who guards it told me if I didn't return the ki'i, I would die.
You mean it's cursed? There is a curse on practically every piece of native art from the Pacific Islands if you believe in that sort of thing.
Listen! The curse is real.
I can feel it working.
- Just a minute.
Take your hands off me.
- I must have that ki'i.
- I don't have it.
- Where is it? I have to know.
I have to return it to the cave.
That's impossible.
It was sold while I was on vacation.
By now, it could be anywhere.
Besides, I assure you, that curse is nothing more than mythology.
Unless that ki'i is returned, all who have touched it are doomed.
No! Aargh! I know it's hard to believe, but even in paradise, it's possible to have a bad day.
The nice thing about paradise is you've got great places to get away from it all.
For me, it's the water.
Sitting on my surf ski 100 yards offshore is like being in another worid.
It's quiet and calm and there's a lot of space between me and anyone on the island.
It's a nice safe feeling.
But even paradise has its share of hassles, but if I can't forget them here, at least I can see them coming.
- Hello, Catherine.
- Jonathan.
I have found something so special for the auction.
Dennis? You've already done so much.
Oh, nonsense! This orphanage is very important to me.
Wait till you see this.
What a magnificent ki'i.
It's Kalai-pahoa, I believe.
Right.
The Poison-god.
He is ominous-looking, isn't he? This is one of the few of its kind left still privately owned.
I think it'll do very nicely for us.
- The rest of the items will arrive tomorrow.
- Fine.
- About security - I've got somebody in mind.
I hope he's not too expensive.
You know how thin our budget is.
No, no.
Not to worry.
He's quite reasonable.
Oh.
Well, do you have someplace safe to store the ki'i? Yes.
Put it in the den.
I'll get my security expert and join you on the patio.
Don't take long.
We've got a million details to work out.
A minute, I promise.
I say, Magnum.
Higgins you'll be interested in this.
The strangest thing just happened.
I was sailing along, as slick as you please, and all of a sudden, I just fell off.
It was weird.
Then I couldn't get back on.
It's interesting, isn't it? Magnum, I keep hoping that at some propitious juncture you'll see there are more important things than aquatic pursuits.
Forget it.
Nice set of wheels.
A Rolls-Royce is considerably more than a nice set of wheels.
- Who does it belong to? - Catherine Hailey.
Co-chair of the Makahu Orphanage auction, taking place here on the 5th.
She's a lovely lady, a tireless worker and an expert on Hawaiian art, which is perfect as Hawaiian culture is the theme of the auction.
We have items from all over the island.
- The auction's on the 5th, right? - Yes.
And there'll be all sorts of people - blue blood and all that? Which is why I want to talk to you.
Don't bother.
I know what you're going to say.
- You do? - Sure.
You don't want to seem impolite or insensitive, but you'd rather I made myself scarce on the day, in exchange for which you will make some minor concession regarding the car or the wine cellar or the tennis court, right? Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly.
Your intuitive grasp of human nature is so so - Perceptive? - Pre-adolescent.
You can relax, Higgins.
I will be gone all day.
Oh? Yes.
The 5th is the annual surf ski race from Kahuku to Punaluu.
I'll be gone and it won't cost you a thing.
Actually, I was hoping for your presence at the auction.
Planning on it, in fact.
What? Mr.
Masters is extremely concerned, as am I, that we have first-rate security here for the next few days.
- He's made a very generous donation.
- What? You.
Starting tomorrow morning.
Higgins, that isn't fair.
Come on, I got a race.
Higgins, I got a race.
Are you afraid this is a bit more than you can handle? All it takes is a security check at the gate and some extra manpower.
That's very impressive.
I'm Catherine Hailey, Mr? Magnum.
Thomas Magnum.
You must be the security expert Jonathan mentioned.
What were you saying about extra manpower? Well, I'll probably use my usual associates.
A hand-picked crew.
- How reliable are they? - Very.
To make you feel better, I'll run checks on everyone.
- Everyone? - Yes.
Outside and in - even on you.
- Come now, Magnum.
- No, Jonathan, he's quite right.
I'm very impressed with Mr.
Magnum's thoroughness.
In fact, perhaps we could discuss it over dinner tonight.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I have other plans.
- Nothing that can't be changed.
I'm sure you'll make an excellent team.
Come, Catherine.
- Nice meeting you.
- Dennis.
Big.
Working for the auction didn't bother menot that much, but I didn't like how Higgins had approached me.
There's a right and wrong way to ask for a favor, especially when dealing with friends.
The right way is done directly with some consideration and diplomacy.
It's honest and it's straightforward and that's why it always works.
No way, Thomas.
Come on, guys.
It's two days.
Three at the most.
Are you kidding? 15 minutes around Higgins and I start to break out.
Yeah, but this is a good cause.
Yeah, right.
The Thomas Magnum Relief Fund.
Mm-hmm.
Ten.
I'll take mine again.
Man, I'm taking care of the best cause I know - me.
I got this fox coming in from Los Ángeles, man.
Ooh! Two days, three nights in Honolulu.
- Sounds like a vacation package.
- Yep, mine.
Pass.
OK.
I just figured I'd ask.
You guys would understand what this means and say, "Sure, I'd like to help those kids.
" I mean, that's what I thought you'd say, but I guess I was wrong.
- It wouldn't be the first time.
- Come on, Thomas.
Get off that guilt trip.
That's the oldest con in the books.
Yeah, and what do you mean, "It wouldn't be the first time"? I promised you a long time ago I'd never mention that.
- Mention what? What did Orville do? - Wait a minute.
It's something that happened in Saigon, but I promised Rick I'd never mention it.
What was that snake lady's name? That's not fair, Thomas, it's really not.
- What's not fair? - It's personal.
It's funny.
It's like what happened to you that time at Madam Wu's.
That sword-swallower from the Lotus Festival? Ah! What do you think? What do I think? I think it's a piece of cake.
- How are you feeling? - Worse.
Much worse.
I I can't believe this is happening to me.
Well, don't worry about it.
We'll get the ki'i back.
You hired the right guys, Harold.
It'll be like picking pineapples off a tree.
- Pineapples don't grow on trees.
- Figure of speech, A.
J.
- Great show.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry you had to change your plans tonight.
I didn't have any plans.
I just like to be asked, not ordered.
I didn't mean it as an order.
I wasn't talking about you.
I was referring to Higgins.
See this? This is a replica of the rice god, Monowana.
The natives used to believe that rice was raindrops that had been blessed by the god, so they had to be careful how they worshipped him, because if they didn't do it exactly right they'd never get food just wet.
- Really? - Mm.
- Monowana? - Mm-hmm.
There is no rice god.
In fact, there wasn't any rice until the Chinese brought it in.
Think you're real smart, don't you? I know it wasn't a very good story, but you could smile.
Where'd you learn about Hawaiian culture? It's amazing what you pick up collecting.
- Like the ki'i? - Yeah, like the ki'i.
- It is lovely, isn't it? - Higgins showed it to me.
I guess lovely is in the eyes of the beholder.
Is there something wrong? Uh, just a little dizzy.
It just seems to be happening lately.
It's funny how you always seem to work harder when you're not getting paid.
I'm sure it'll go away after the auction tomorrow.
- You're sure you're OK? - I'm fine.
Really.
It's better.
Let's see.
Where was I? Oh.
Where'd you get the ki'i? I bought it, from a woman in Los Ángeles named Alex Huston.
She collects pre-Colombian, so I got a good price.
L.
A.
? Is that where you're from? Sometimes.
Somehow I get the distinct feeling we are not getting off on the best foot.
No.
I'm just doing my job, Miss Hailey.
And so am I.
If we're gonna work together, I don't want tension between us.
- That sounds reasonable.
- Things can be a lot simpler that way.
Why did you want to have dinner with me? - I just wanted to discuss the auction.
- And? And despite some material advantages I sometimes get very lonely.
Don't you? Sometimes.
But never on a case.
I don't have a good feeling about this.
There's gotta be a legal way.
If we go to the police, they're gonna impound the ki'i.
Sands is feeling worse by the minute.
He looks terrible.
Rick, you don't believe that curse stuff.
No, but he does and the sooner we get it back to him, the better he'll feel.
- That'll be one of us.
- Oh, come on.
Just relax.
Every time you say "relax" to me, I get into trouble.
- What if we get caught? - We won't get caught.
Imagine what the jails are like here.
I don't like macadamia nuts.
We are not gonna get caught.
Anyway, how tough can it be? This is Hawaii.
Aloha.
"I smiled modestly as the Duke shook my hand "and thanked me for a job well done.
"I had looked forward to a well-earned vacation.
"However, as I turned away, I heard the words, "'We have some trouble in Patagonia.
' "Needless to say, I didn't unpack.
" Come, lads.
- Who the blazes are you? - I seem to have set something off here.
May I ask what you're doing here? Yeah.
I'm Schuster.
Al Schuster.
Cando, North Dakota.
I'm glad to see a friendly face.
Me and the little woman were driving for an hour She's asleep in the back of the car.
She's so tired, poor thing.
We've been driving around trying to find y'all.
It's our first vacation over the water.
It's exciting.
I think we'll just hit the hammocks and skip the comp dinner - Hammocks? - Yeah, the hammocks This is the Kahaluna Resort, isn't it? It certainly is not.
Would you mind taking your hands off the gate? Oh.
OK.
Let's see Here we go.
Kahaluna Resort, right there.
That map's been out of date for years.
They tore the Kahaluna down back in '68, I believe.
I recall escorting Clive Jackson-Parr and his lovely wife Astrid there.
It had a chemin de fer table equal to anything in Monte Carlo.
I was quite a chemi player myself.
I've passed the shoe to the best of them.
I remember playing with Ferdinand II - a rather sore loser who He was of the nobility as far as the peerage was concerned, but the police still thought Excuse me.
What is it, lads? Come, lads.
It never used to be like this in the old days.
It used to be giris in grass skirts and surfing, rum drinks with umbrellas, now it's Dobermans, security systems, barbed wire.
They call this paradise! This is Hawaii - Jewel of the Pacific, Land of Enchantment.
That's New Mexico.
I'm telling you, Higgins, I checked.
There's nobody there.
Someone was here.
They tried to breach security while you were dallying.
Dallying? It was your idea to take Catherine out, even though socializing with a client is against my professional ethics.
Hardly a client - she's a friend.
I wasn't dallying.
Something's burning.
Get it outside.
Must've been a short circuit.
It's a pity to have lost that beautiful Mulahuni.
- Magnum, the ki'i.
Where is it? - It's right there.
Oh, there it is.
- I swear that's not where I left it.
- Oh, come on, Higgins.
I'll take care of things.
Get some rest.
This auction is starting to get to you.
Perhaps you're right.
You will mend that circuit in the morning? Higgins, everything is under control.
After I cleaned up the living room, I went right to sleep and had a very strange dream.
Higgins was auctioning me off to a group of smoking ki'is.
No one was bidding and Higgins couldn't give me away.
Finally, Catherine stood up and took me off their hands.
She was just about to put me in a bank vault when I woke up.
I was gonna be glad when this whole thing was over.
- Yeah? - Will-Kill pest control.
- Yeah, so what do you want? - You're kidding? Are you sure you got the right address? I've been protecting this place for three years and I phoned ahead.
- I don't got all day - OK, OK, keep your lid on.
Hey, Higgins! Must we shout? Some guy has some spraying to do.
Send him in.
I'll be at the main house momentarily to supervise.
OK.
Spray away, Jose.
Yo.
"Strip wire A and then connect to terminal.
"Do not touch wire B until terminal is connected.
" I hope you're wire A.
What are you doing? What does it look like? I'm spraying C-17.
I can't wait all day on that repair.
All we need is another fire.
Higgins, who is this guy? They spray every six months, in the morning when the real worid doesn't exist for you.
- Why didn't you check with me first? - Check with you? Maintenance is my responsibility.
I don't want him spraying while the auct - It's on the beach.
- I'll go with you.
No.
You watch the house.
- Thomas, that lady I was telling - I need your help.
But what about my date? Wait a minute.
Just spray the base board.
I've been doing this for ten years and somebody always wants to give pointers.
If you're going to stand there, I'm going to get another mask.
Why - is it dangerous? Are you an ant? If you're an ant, it's fatal.
If you're not, you just get sick.
You get sick, I get fired and there goes six years of college.
- I'm gonna get another mask.
- No.
Just hurry, please.
Right.
Hey.
Forgot your sunscreen.
No, man.
I never use sunscreen - not when I'm surfing, you know? You're not surfing.
- Why not? - Because there's no surf.
Oh.
You touch that fence? Gee, man, I don't know.
Maybe my surfboard.
Maybe I - Who turned you onto this place? - Oh, Big Jimbo.
You know Big Jimbo off at Sunset Beach? Big Jimbo, huh? Hey, he never said anything about private, man.
That goes to show you can't believe everything Big Jimbo says.
He's never been wrong before.
Maybe I'll cruise on back up to Sunset and check out and see what he says next.
Hey hang loose, bro.
Huh? - You through already? - How long does it take to kill some ants? See ya.
How much longer is this going to? Oh, my God! - Thomas, I'm sorry.
- Higgins cleared it.
Which way did he go? He went left.
Hey, I'll try and find out about the van.
What the hell's wrong with this thing? There it is.
- Come on.
- Come on? What are we after now? Oh, yeah, I can see it now.
We're gonna stop all the cars on Kalakaua Drive lookin' for a ki'i.
"If you'll just open your trunk.
We wanna see if you have a poison-god in there.
" - Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey there, yourself.
Hey, guys.
Hang ten, huh? How's it going? Thought you were going up to Sunset.
Oh, yeah, man.
Like, I was gonna go there or maybe Mahaki.
These are heavy decisions, huh? Maybe you oughta ask Big Jimbo.
Yeah.
I was thinking I might cruise on into Honolulu.
Talk to Big Jimbo or Lola - this girl, you should see her hang ten.
- You could use some wax.
- It's a rented car.
Not the car, the board, hotshot.
- It's a rented board, y'know what I mean? - Uh, Thomas! - Hold it right there.
- Thomas.
Wax that, hotshot.
Shall we go? Thank you.
Aloha! - This thing gives me the creeps.
- You sound like Harold.
Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a small change in the items for auction.
Number 34, the Hawaiian folk-art sculpture of the Kalai-pahoa has been removed from the bidding.
We're sorry for the disappointment and inconvenience.
Let us begin with this rare and valuable Louis XV ladies' writing desk, graciously donated by Eleanor Hastings-Boyle of Kahala.
Shall we start the bidding at 1,000? Mabel, would you mind taking over for a moment? I believe that Jonathan said he wanted a thousand and that piece is definitely a thousand.
Yeah, that's great, Mousey.
Thanks.
What? Look me up when you get out.
Anything? The Will-Kill van was snatched when the driver went to get a donut.
We got the license number.
It's a rental.
Do I look like the DMV? This could take hours.
- This isn't pulling rabbits out of a hat.
- Rick - Magnum.
- Uh-oh, I think I need some coffee.
You look even more vacuous than usual.
You've failed, haven't you? Well, no.
We've had a temporary setback, but at least we know who we're after.
Well, we don't exactly know who we're after, but But the ki'i is gone, isn't it? Probably for good.
After all that talk about security, not mixing business with pleasure - You're not being fair.
- Damn right I'm not.
Thanks to your brilliant performance, the orphanage is out $50,000.
That is a lot of lunches and a lot of beds.
There is something else going on here.
Two guys break into the estate and the only thing they touch is the ki'i.
Why? Catherine? Jonathan, I don't feel very well.
Could I possibly have a glass of water? Of course.
You said you bought the ki'i from someone in LA.
What was her name? Not now, Magnum.
Can't you see she's not well? - OK, I've got it.
- Got what? - Car was rented from the Blue Grotto Arms.
- Get T.
C.
Let's go.
I've been pulling this cab all summer, run ten miles a day on the beach.
I'm in great shape.
So how come all I want to do right now is sleep? - That'll be 36.
50.
- Thirty? Great idea.
Thank you.
The sooner we put this thing in Harold's arms, the sooner I can start to celebrate.
I just wanna get out of here and go home.
I do not like it here.
What's wrong with this? - It just stopped.
- I want to get off.
Harold? Hey! Harold? We got it.
We got it.
- Here you go.
- Thank God.
I must return it to the cave.
Harold? - He's dead, A.
J.
- Hi, guys.
This probably doesn't look good, but we can explain.
- We're private investigators.
- Simon and Simon.
You're not surfing exterminators? - Who's he? - That's our client, Harold Sands.
They're P.
I.
S, all right.
California.
- Can we put our hands down? - Sure.
No.
I was just gonna cover up Harold.
Don't you think we ought to leave the body till the cops get here? Before we call them, maybe you could just hit the high spots? OK.
Harold Sand owns owned an antique store in Beverly Hills.
A few months ago, a lady named Alex Huston conned him out of that thing.
- Conned? - Conned.
Yeah.
She was young and pretty and Harold wasn't.
- He hired us to get it back for him.
- Get it back or steal it back? We found out it had been donated to an auction by a very rich lady from Los Ángeles.
I don't know how you hotshots operate in California, but couldn't you just have explained? No.
Harold didn't have time.
He thought he was dying from the curse.
That's right.
Curse of the Poison-god.
Oogaboogah! We didn't believe it either.
Harold did.
You're telling us this thing has a curse on it? Harold thought the only way to get rid of the curse was to put it in a cave on Molokai near Wali - Wailea? - Yeah.
Harold thought that until we did that, whoever had the thing would have curse.
That's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard.
Trade winds.
Even if I believed you guys, which I don't, you owe Higgins a lot of money.
- Huh? - Wait a minute.
How do you figure that? Easy.
This ki'i is worth big bucks.
Uh, Thomas? Excuse me, fellas.
That's the lady.
That's Alex Huston.
- That's Catherine Hailey.
- Alex Huston.
I'm very grateful for your tireless efforts on the children's behalf.
I am just glad that the auction was such a success.
Would you mind? That is an awful lot of cash to be carrying around.
- Are you sure you don't want to come? - You'll be fine.
You have Dennis.
Yes.
Well - Lunch tomorrow? - Of course.
Why don't you invite Magnum to come along too? I suppose I was a little sharp with him.
It's not really his fault the ki'i was stolen.
- Until tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
Higgins! Higgins.
Oh! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? This isn't Le Mans.
Did you apprehend the blackguards? You got them? Jolly good work.
First rate.
Where are they? - At the hotel with Rick and T.
C.
- What? - What about the ki'i? - It's with them.
They're working for the guy who owned it, but it was stolen.
He had to get it back because he was dying of this curse.
Actually, he is dead - Magnum.
- I'll explain later.
Where's Catherine? Gone to the bank with the proceeds from the auction.
You sent her to the bank? - Yes.
- With money? With cashier's checks and $200,000.
- Tell me what's going on.
- What time is it, Higgins? Exactly 4:14.
- The bank closes at three.
- But the airport's open all night.
It was an uncomfortable ride to the airport.
It wasn't easy telling Higgins he'd been had.
He took it stoically, but the look on his face told me plenty.
Because not only did Catherine steal $200,000 from him, she stole his pride too.
to the airline's ticket office.
L.
A.
She said she was from L.
A.
There's a flight leaving in five minutes.
Gate 7B.
All passengers on flight 1 to Tokio report to concourse B, area A.
I say, Magnum, would you? Please? Hi, Dennis.
Departing flight 145 for San Francisco is now ready for boarding on the upper level.
Gate 27.
- Hold that plane.
- Sorry, she's taking off.
You'll be more than sorry.
You'll be responsible for the death of my niece.
Geraldine was so excited about her trip that she forgot her heart medicine.
Mimi, it's Roy.
We've got a medical emergency on board.
Open up.
Oh! Aargh! This way, Geraldine.
- Well done, Magnum.
- Well done, yourself.
Let's go.
Good idea.
Before the cops change their mind.
I can't wait to get back on solid ground.
- Like California? - Yeah.
Look, we're sorry if we put you through any hassle.
Oh.
Look at it from our point of view - everything we did made sense at the time.
Aloha, guys.
- See ya.
- Auf Wiedersehen.
Take it easy.
Hey, wait a minute.
What about the ki'i? Cops took it.
This is crazy! I'm beginning to wonder about you.
The coroner said the guy died of a heart attack, not a curse.
Higgins said it's worth about 50 grand.
He won't like you burying it in some cave.
Come on, guys.
Even the police said it would be better if the ki'i went back to Wailea.
Something wrong? No, it couldn't be.
Just had an overhaul week before last.
The mixture must be too rich.
Yeah, it must be.
You are gonna keep that thing closed the whole trip? Yes.