Magnum, P.I. (1980) s04e06 Episode Script
Letter to a Duchess
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- As a matter of fact - Not at aII.
Won't you join us? He certainIy is an engaging man.
He must be overwheImed by avaiIabIe femaIes.
(Higgins) I suppose some women might find him attractive, if they respond to the more primitive elements.
How couId you betray me? To steaI her from me.
I revere words Iike honor and integrity.
CIearIy not in your vocabuIary.
You're just gonna sit there sipping brandy, being terribIy British? Yes.
(Rick) She doesn't have a chance.
(T.
C.
) Come on, she's got great form.
In a bikini maybe, but on a surf ski, she's a joke.
- If you want to put money on her, go ahead.
- She's OK but she's not in my Ieague.
What about the Iifeguard from the Sand & Surf CIub? He's been working out in my gym.
Saw him bench press three and a quarter.
That's OK for strength, but strength is not as important as endurance.
No, finesse is what counts.
Kiyoki has finesse and he is goIden with a paddIe.
- I am working on this new styIe and - What are the odds on Kiyoki? Kiyoki starts at two and he's a sure thing.
- Wait a minute, guys.
What about me? - What about you? I'm in this race too and I think I stand a good chance of winning this year.
(Both Laugh) Two years ago he comes in 86th, Iast year he comes in 62nd.
And both times he was behind this 12-year-oId girI, Kiki - Kawana.
- Kawana.
She was 13 and very big for her age.
Besides, I ran into some bad Iuck.
What? Entering a race where everyone eIse was better than you? Very funny.
What are the odds on me? (Higgins) Even though I heard odds being quoted, I am, with abundant charity, giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that this is not a conversation about next week's race.
- Of course not, Higgins.
- The race is a charity event.
It wouId be a perversion of ethics and good sportsmanship for money to change hands.
- You're absoIuteIy right, Higgie.
- Right.
I'm off to the newsstand to buy the ChronicIe.
Higgins, we seII the IsIand ChronicIe right in front.
That puIp is an insuIt to journaIism.
When I refer to the ChronicIe I'm taIking about the London ChronicIe, deIivered to Hawaii every Monday.
Two weeks behind the civiIized worId, I might add.
- 200 on Kiyoki.
- Man, you won't regret it.
Yes, you wiII.
I'm gonna win.
- Wanna bet? - Bet? Bet? - Yeah, sure, I'II make a bet.
- How much? My entire Iife savings.
$33.
64.
(Laughs) You're a big spender.
Better hope that 13-year-oId girI doesn't enter.
- My God.
- Is something wrong, bro? Lord WiIkerson, the Duke of Whitt, has passed on.
Yeah? I got one brother named Duke.
PIease, just take care of your papers.
(BeII) And that's $5 even.
Oh.
WeII I'm afraid this is aII I have.
Is that aII right? I'm afraid not.
This may be a British shop but we're in America and I onIy take American currency.
Er Perhaps I can be of assistance.
I I.
Yes? I wouId be happy to exchange the note.
Fine.
Let's see.
The current rate of exchange is roughIy $1 .
50 to the pound.
That wouId be $7.
50.
I reaIIy am most gratefuI.
Thank you very much.
That's quite I mean It's my pIeasure.
- Your order, Mr.
Higgins.
- Thank you.
WeII, thank you again.
Yes.
Forgive me for perhaps being too forward but I I mean, I know you must be busy but I - WeII, I - Yes? It's been a pIeasure to be of assistance.
I beg your pardon.
Hey, what are you doing? What do you want with me? - Shut up and come with us.
- Let me go.
- What are you doing? - (Car horn) Let me go, pIease! PIease, Iet me go! - My God, what are you doing? - HoId on.
What are you doing? - (British accent) None of your affair.
- Take your hands off me! Do as she asks.
We're very serious.
You stay out of this or I'II beat your head on the waII.
HaIt! Let go of her.
Now.
Let's get out of here.
Oh! WeII Thank you, sir.
You saved me again.
It was nothing, reaIIy.
OnIy cowards wouId try to accost a Iady.
I'm most gratefuI, Mr Higgins.
Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
Vivien Brock Jones.
It's a pIeasure to meet you.
And mine.
I can't remember when I was so frightened.
They were British.
In the heat of battIe, I didn't notice.
- Yes, that is a coincidence.
- Quite.
I'm so gratefuI that you came to my rescue.
I'm a compIete stranger here.
I understand compIeteIy.
At the risk of seeming boId, I wouId Iike for you to I mean, I think that you wouId Iike to PIease, just come with me.
(Sighs) This is absoIuteIy deIightfuI.
Just Iike having tea at Brown's.
One of the benefits of being on the board of directors is that I can stock the kitchen with things I Iike.
WeII, it's just what I needed.
I was beginning to feeI very far from home.
As honorary chairman of the Sons of the Empire, I wouId consider it an honor to heIp you adjust to the isIands.
Mr.
Higgins, you reaIIy are very gaIIant.
Have you a pIace to Iive? WeII, as a matter of fact This is reaIIy rather embarrassing.
Anything that I can do to heIp WeII, I have a sIight probIem at the moment with my finances.
The committee has an emergency fund for that.
No, I didn't mean charity.
What I was hoping was that you might be abIe to advise me where I couId seII this.
And as a matter of fact aIso these.
(Magnum) Higgins! I'm gIad I caught you.
I've got kind of a probIem.
Vivien Brock Jones, Thomas Magnum.
- How do you do? - Hi.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- As a matter of fact - Not at aII.
Won't you join us? I'm sure Magnum has things to do, Iike procuring a divorce for a bIonde and pIaying in the ocean.
That is exactIy what I wanted to taIk to you about.
It's reaI important for me to make a good showing in the race.
Then run aIong and practice.
That is what I was pIanning to do, but my paddIe, it's got a crack in the handIe and I have to get it repaired or maybe repIaced, and since it's for the cIub Look, it's got a tiny IittIe hairIine crack right there.
Why don't you just repIace it? - You don't mind? - Why wouId I mind? Great.
Thanks, Higgins.
WouId you Iike a cup of tea? PIease.
AII right.
Oh, you've got those cute IittIe roIIs that I Iike.
- Those aren't cute roIIs.
They're scones.
- Mr.
Higgins! Oh, my God.
Higgins, these must be worth a fortune.
Must you pry into matters which don't concern you? It's aII right.
They're mine.
But I find myseIf in the unfortunate position of having to seII them.
Gee WeII, if you reaIIy have to seII them, I have a friend named Rick who couId probabIy give you the best price, don't you think? Do you think he couId find a buyer for this? I'II ask him.
In the meantime, there must be another way to resoIve your financiaI diIemma.
What about a job? A job? Magnum, reaIIy! That certainIy wouId be a soIution but I'm afraid I have very Iimited skiIIs.
Higgins couId find you one.
He's got aII sorts of connections.
Don't you think? Why Perhaps Magnum, in his usuaI bIundering way, has hit upon something.
My empIoyer recentIy purchased a coIIection of books from Sotheby's.
It's my job to organize and cataIog them.
It's a terribIe chore, one I've been putting off.
I mean, if you wouId Iike to I mean, that is to say, the two of us couId Er I think he's offering you a job.
(Gunshot) Are you having some probIems? I'II say.
This bIoody My God.
Perhaps we can be of some assistance.
- Lady WiIkerson.
- Oh, no, none of that out here.
- What's your name? - Sergeant Major Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
I was bringing suppIies to my regiment when it just quit on me.
- I think it's a bad carburetor.
- We're on our way to the hospitaI.
- Perhaps we couId give you a Iift.
- Oh, no, Your Grace.
A IittIe grease never bothered me.
PIease Iet us heIp you.
ReaIIy, Your Grace, I just couIdn't.
I'd be most uncomfortabIe.
Oh, very weII.
I understand.
We couId notify someone of your position.
They couId send a tow truck.
- That wouId be very kind.
- Very weII.
Good Iuck.
Our thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Excuse me, but may I say it's a priviIege and an honor to serve such a gracious and kind Iady as the Duchess of Whitt.
No, it is I who am priviIeged to have met a man as brave and IoyaI as you.
What in the bIoody heII is she doing here? (Higgins) ''My dear Lady WiIkerson, ''Duchess of Whitt.
'' It's too formaI.
''My dear'' Dearest darIing, the most IoveIy woman in creation.
I don't want to scare her off.
Damn, where is my wit when I need it most? ''My dearest Vivien, ''It is onIy my deep and sincere admiration'' Charles Dickens, the complete set.
With, however, The OId Curiosity Shop missing.
The frontispiece is dated 1890 but the binding is new and imitation morocco.
I'm afraid Mr.
Masters does have a taste for the obvious.
It's absoIuteIy fascinating, such an education.
And I'm actuaIIy being paid for heIping.
(Sighs) I've aIways Ioved books.
I've even considered writing one myseIf.
ReaIIy? Fiction or non-fiction? Oh, fiction.
I had this idea about a young girI who is weII born but of modest circumstances.
- Sounds fascinating.
- And when she's 1 7 she Ieaves schooI and marries a much oIder man, a weaIthy duke.
Perhaps aImost an arranged marriage.
She must have an extraordinary sense of duty.
PossibIy.
Maybe she's just not strong enough to object.
In any case she comes to respect her husband and indeed Iove him very much.
But somehow she aIways feeIs Iike somewhat of a prisoner, as though she's never had the chance to experience Iife, find out what it has to offer.
- And does she escape? - (Magnum) Hi, Vivien.
- How's the boss treating you? - I'm having a wonderfuI time.
Higgins can soIve aII your probIems.
- Does this interruption have any purpose? - Oh, right.
This came in the maiI.
It must have been sent to me by mistake.
Oh.
Nice jacket.
ReaI EngIish tweed, huh? Oh, by the way, you friend Rick got me a wonderfuI price on my ring, enough to pay for my new apartment.
Great.
I'm gIad he couId heIp.
This appears to be a biII for a new surf ski paddIe.
I toId the guy at the store to charge it to the cIub but Oh, never mind.
I'II take care of it.
It is for charity.
(Higgins) If that's aII Oh.
Sure.
- Bye, Vivien.
- Bye.
He certainIy is an engaging man.
He must be overwheImed by avaiIabIe femaIes.
I suppose some women might find him attractive, if they respond to the more primitive eIements.
Here's a key so you can enter the estate without caIIing.
Since you'II be working here, it wiII be more convenient.
I'II been a wonderfuI day, and I'II see you tomorrow.
- Or sooner.
- I beg your pardon? Nothing.
Just goodbye for now.
""My dearest Vivien.
It is only my deep and sincere admiration ""that gives me the courage to tell you how moved I am by your courage.
""We must all seize life when rare opportunity presents itself, as I must do now.
""If I can hope that you could possibly have any feelings for me, ""come to the estate at eight tonight for a romantic dinner.
"" (TV) There"s a long pop to deep right-field, way back.
It"s outta herel And the White Sox lead one to nothing.
Johnson will need a home run at the top of the first inning, - there"s no doubt about it.
- (Timer pings) - (Buzzer) - Come in.
Good evening.
Hi.
Come on in.
- WouId you Iike a hot dog? - A hot dog? That sounds wonderfuI.
I've never had one before.
.
.
swings the next pitch and lies it to left field.
I see you Iike to Iive very casuaIIy.
.
.
makes the catch.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, no, I admire it.
I think it's very mascuIine.
I'm sorry.
Do you want some chiIi on your hot dog? Why not? By the way, Jim is Oh, I'm sorry.
Just cIear some of that stuff and take a seat there.
There's a great game on.
Here"s Jim, he swings and he misses for strike one.
.
.
checking with his third-base coaches Why does that man keep scratching Iike that? - This is an ideal time - He's not scratching, he's giving signaIs.
He's trying to teII the batter - the guy standing at the pIate - what to do.
Fascinating.
.
.
swings away at the first pitch and barrels it down the right-field line.
- You reaIIy Iove this game, don't you? - Yeah.
When I was a kid, aII I dreamed about was becoming a Major League basebaII pIayer.
What happened? - I grew up.
- That shouIdn't stop you.
You can aIways go after your dreams.
It's too Iate.
You onIy Iive once.
It's never too Iate to go after what you want.
It is for me.
I'm 38 years oId.
There's very few guys in the Major Leagues Ieft my age.
Besides, I couId never hit a high inside fast baII.
Anyway, I'm happy doing what I do.
- Are you reaIIy? - Yeah.
I Iike being a private investigator.
I'm good at it.
I heIp peopIe.
Here comes Barridge, rounding third - I see your point.
- .
.
opposite field double by Larry Hearndonl (Cheering) I was dreaming, Iads.
DeIuding myseIf.
To think that a Iady of her stature couId consider a man Iike me.
Knowing your station in Iife.
That's the secret to happiness, Iads.
Otherwise it's dashed hopes.
(Cheering on TV) My God, wiII he turn down that infernaI noise? - Ah.
You sure you don't want a gIass? - No, no, this is fine.
- OK.
There you are.
- Thank you.
Cheers.
- (Laughs) You're terrific.
- Magnum, wiII you pIe Hi, Higgins.
What are you aII dressed up for? Jonathan, you Iook magnificent.
Come in.
Sit down.
How about a chiIi dog? I (TV) There it goesl Deep to left fieldl Going, going, goodbyel I had seen Higgins mad before, I had seen him crazed with fury, but I had never seen him at a loss for words.
Higgins, what did you want before? - Where's Vivien? - I drove her home.
- How couId you? - What, drive her home? - The buses don't run this Iate.
- How couId you betray me? And her.
Using my My God, the irony.
The bitter, perfect, poetic irony.
Using my own Ietter to steaI her from me.
What Ietter? The Ietter I wrote her expIaining my feeIings and inviting her to dinner.
I fixed pheasant.
- I don't know anything about a Ietter.
- Then what was Vivien doing at your pIace? Oh.
Oh WeII She must have thought that I But how couId she? I didn't sign it.
I couIdn't bring myseIf to.
ObviousIy she preferred thinking it came from you.
Gee I'm sorry, Higgins.
I mean, if I knew Vivien is a IoveIy woman but romanticaIIy she means nothing to me.
Nothing? This gentIewoman bestows upon you her affection and you caII it nothing? That's not what I meant.
She's not interested in me.
It was your Ietter.
Just expIain the mix-up.
I'd rather face a firing squad.
It's you she wants.
She'd be humiIiated if she discovered how she was misIed.
- Then what do we do? - She's fragiIe.
Her feeIings are tender.
I'm meeting her at the CIub tomorrow to get some of her jeweIs.
I'II go with you.
When we see her we must act as if we never had this conversation.
- Do you understand? - No.
But I'II go aIong with it.
Thank you.
- Good morning, Jonathan.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Thomas.
- Morning.
I want to thank you for a wonderfuI evening.
I had such a marveIous time.
Yes, me too.
I have to go sign up for the race, then I have to practice so May I come and watch you? I'd Iove to see you in action.
I beIieve you needed some of your jeweIs.
Oh.
Yes, of course.
Er This way.
Jonathan! Ahh! Ohh! Don't even consider it.
(Tires screech) Are you aII right? Come on.
Come on.
Sure.
I know.
It"s crazy to refer to what Higgins and I share as friendship.
But it is.
We bite and bicker like an old married couple but mixed in with the jibes is a funny kind of mutual trust.
When Higgins saw Vivien at my place he felt I had betrayed that trust, but of course the kidnapping had made that all very unimportant.
At least the funny trust was back.
And we both knew it.
Higgins? Higginswe tried to find the car.
Rick and I checked the waterfront, HoteI Street.
The usuaI pIaces.
Nothing so far.
I shouId have been abIe to stop them.
There was nothing you couId do.
The guys had guns.
You did aII you couId.
- I think we ought to caII the poIice.
- No, Magnum, pIease.
There's been a message from her abductors.
We're to wait for their caII.
The poIice shouId know about this.
No.
There's something eIse you don't know.
Vivian is not as she appears.
Not at aII the poor matron without means.
Magnum, she is of the ReaIm.
- RoyaIty? - By marriage, yes.
Lady WiIkerson.
Wife of the Iate Duke of Whitt.
So we just sit here and wait? I spoke to her brother-in-Iaw this evening.
The new Duke of Whitt.
Very strange conversation.
I was shocked.
He seemed more concerned with the jeweIs than her.
- How much are they worth? - I didn't examine the items.
My onIy concern was their safekeeping.
But they must be quite vaIuabIe or he wouIdn't have been so bIoody adamant about my not giving them up.
- What a guy.
- I can Iive without your fIippant humor.
Lord WiIkerson is arranging for an aIternate form of payment.
I wiII inform them of that when they caII.
And you're just gonna sit there sipping brandy, being terribIy British? Yes! Are you famiIiar with London at aII? A few times when I was in the navy.
Why? The Strand? - Movie house? - No, Magnum.
It's a very famous street in London, renowned for men's cIothes and restaurants.
There's a particuIar IittIe tea shop there.
Forgive me.
I forget that you find my stories tedious.
I'm Iistening, Higgins.
Go on.
It's a quaint IittIe pIace.
I've aIways thought it curious that I shouId visit it at that particuIar moment.
I suppose you can"t really comprehend the joy that an Englishman experiences in taking tea in the Strand after being away for a long time.
It"s roughly comparable to the enjoyment you seem to derive from munching a hot dog or watching a baseball game on television.
There was a hint of sadness, perhaps, seeing as how I was there alone.
At any rate, I happened to look across the room, and Vivien was at a table by herself, looking very radiant.
We had met once, but only in the most official of situations.
While I am not a commoner, still I was aware of the difference in our stations in life.
For me to suddenly bound over to her table and ask to join her in tea And yet, I had this overpowering compulsion to do so, if only just to remind her that she had once been very, very kind to me.
I made my decision to speak to her.
I was overstepping some measure of etiquette, I knew, but I simply found that I couldn"t stop myself.
Just at that moment, she was joined by her husband, the Duke of Whitt.
They were very loving to each other.
I left without finishing my tea.
That's it? The whoIe story? Forgive me.
I hoped that you wouId understand.
Yeah, I guess I I faiIed to remember that the ways of a gentIeman are patentIy foreign to you.
I revere words Iike honor, integrity, chivaIry, words that are not in your vocabuIary.
Higgins, enough.
Knocking my rubber chicken or my sIoppy habits is within the ruIes, but you're attacking my character.
I wouId Iike to think you don't mean that.
Yes, I'm sorry.
You can't know what it's Iike to care deepIy for someone and have your hope taken.
Yes, I can.
(Phone) - Yes? - The name is Wilkes, sir.
We"ve met.
I have information regarding the Duchess.
Bring the jewels to Lunalilo Bridge.
- It wiII take me some time to - You better leave now.
- (DiaIing tone) - Wait! Wait! HeIIo! I toId you to bring the jeweIs.
If I go back empty-handed, it'II go very badIy with the Duchess.
I'm trying to expIain to you.
I've spoken to the Duchess' brother-in-Iaw.
He's agreeabIe to a cash payment.
He may be agreeabIe but Mr.
Graham and I are not.
If it was onIy money we wanted, we wouId have stayed in Lord WiIkerson's empIoy.
But of course you wouIdn't know about that.
He hired us to fetch her back to EngIand.
But a few hundred pounds' fee cannot compare with three miIIion in jeweIs.
- We're not pIaying games.
If you don't - Mr.
WiIkes, pIease.
You'II have the jeweIs.
There's no reason to harm Lady WiIkerson.
I just need a IittIe time to coIIect them.
An hour.
- Last chance.
- I assure you.
One hour then.
At the corner of HoteI and LiIIier.
PIease be punctuaI.
And aIone.
If Rick finds us here No one is to know we've spoken to the kidnappers.
Those guys aren't gonna pIay fair.
I have no choice but to go aIong with it.
I think you're wrong.
Let me get Rick and T.
C.
No.
Don't you understand? They were very expIicit.
I'm to come aIone.
Wait a minute.
You're not going without me.
Higgins? AIright.
But no one eIse.
No one.
You reaIIy think they're worth three miIIion? What is it? Perhaps I shouId have inspected them more carefuIIy before.
What is it? The whoIe Iot's worth onIy a few thousand doIIars.
What? Magnum, these jeweIs aren't reaI.
They're nothing more than very weII-made paste.
(Magnum) Where are they Ieading us? (Higgins) They're headed for the wharf.
- I don't Iike it.
- Just be prepared for anything.
- Oh, no.
I think my foot's gone to sIeep.
- For God's sake, Magnum.
It's not my fauIt.
I've been cramped up in the back Aaah! Put your head down.
Do you want them to see you? I can't heIp it.
I got a charIie horse.
(Groans) Higgins, what wiII they do when they find out the jeweIs are phony? They won't find out.
I won't Iet them.
(Magnum groaning) - He's puIIing up next to a boat.
- Get cIose to the water.
I'II get as cIose as I can.
This is far enough.
- You feeI the need for protection? - Our crew.
We've rented the gentIeman's boat to take us to Tahiti.
- Those jeweIs now if you don't mind.
- Not untiI you present the Duchess.
I've taIked niceIy, Mr.
Higgins.
If you choose to renege on our agreement, then I shaII be obIiged to take the box and Iet these boys have a go at you.
Forgive me for not being frightfuIIy intimidated, but I have no fear of harm untiI you are satisfied that these are the jeweIs you want.
- Give me that box! - Bring Lady WiIkerson to the deck.
You drop those and you're a dead man.
Be that as it may, you wiII stiII have Iost your fortune.
Graham, fetch her out here! - Are you aII right, Your Grace? - Yes, Jonathan.
Yes.
As you say, we must be sure that these are the genuine articIe.
Magnum! Vivien, get off the boat! Your turn.
- Magnum, Iook out! - Aaah! - Oh, thank you, Thomas.
- No, Vivien, wait.
Don't thank me.
Thank Higgins.
He pIanned the whoIe rescue.
Thank you, Jonathan.
We must aII seize Iife when the rare opportunity presents itseIf.
- Isn't that what you said in your Ietter? - You weren't Iistening.
It was Higgins.
I was Iistening.
To the modest words of a brave and gracious man.
(Cheering) As I neared the finish line, the phrase about winning the battle and losing the war came to mind.
If I deliberately lost the race, Vivien"s misplaced hero worship might wane, and she might see Higgins with clearer eyes.
But as Higgins said, words like honor and integrity are important.
I had to try to win.
- 1 7th! Thomas, you were 1 7th! - Way to go, man! That's a Iot better than Iast year.
Let me massage those sore arms.
That was absoIuteIy wonderfuI.
I knew you couId do it.
I onIy finished 1 7th.
But Iast year you came in 62nd.
That's a magnificent improvement.
Yeah, but I reaIIy wanted that trophy.
I mean I reaIIy wanted Oh, forget it.
I mean, what's a trophy anyway? Can it boogie? to get the chicks, right, guys? The chicks? Hey, dig my action over there.
They are aIready starting to congregate.
I'm sorry, but excuse me, that's the price you pay.
- Thomas.
- Yeah? I thought perhaps we might have another quiet dinner to ceIebrate your achievement.
Hey, what can I say? I'm gonna be into this heavy party thing the rest of the day and Iike you said, I was pretty impressive.
Lunch tomorrow? Maybe, OK? Rick, wouId you take care of my surf ski? Love ya.
Gotta run.
Catch you back at the hacienda, Big Hig.
Big Hig? Hi, girIs.
Wait a minute! I finished 1 7th! Is he aII right? It's obviousIy oxygen narcosis from his exertion in the race.
HonestIy, Vivien, this is quite uncharacteristic behavior for Magnum.
Yes, of course.
(Vivien) My husband aIways suspected Eric's weakness of character.
(Higgins) You couIdn't know he'd stoIen the jeweIs and repIaced them with copies.
AII I can do is pity him, go back home, assume my duties.
May I present you with a goodbye gift? Oh.
That piece of your jeweIry is indeed the genuine articIe.
And so are you.
WiII you come and visit me in EngIand, pIease? Indeed.
I wouId be honored.
Bye.
Viv! Vivien! Darn it.
I missed her.
I wanted to say goodbye.
You deIiberateIy missed Vivian's departure, just as you deIiberateIy acted Iike an ass on the beach.
Of course.
You know that Ietter you wrote to Vivien? It was such a success, I was wondering if you couId knock one off for me, unsigned, of course.
You see, I wouIdn't ask except I've got this friend WeII, to begin at the beginning, I was on my third tour of duty in Vietnam and a cIassmate of mine, Richie DaIrympIe-White, had been missing in action for some time
- As a matter of fact - Not at aII.
Won't you join us? He certainIy is an engaging man.
He must be overwheImed by avaiIabIe femaIes.
(Higgins) I suppose some women might find him attractive, if they respond to the more primitive elements.
How couId you betray me? To steaI her from me.
I revere words Iike honor and integrity.
CIearIy not in your vocabuIary.
You're just gonna sit there sipping brandy, being terribIy British? Yes.
(Rick) She doesn't have a chance.
(T.
C.
) Come on, she's got great form.
In a bikini maybe, but on a surf ski, she's a joke.
- If you want to put money on her, go ahead.
- She's OK but she's not in my Ieague.
What about the Iifeguard from the Sand & Surf CIub? He's been working out in my gym.
Saw him bench press three and a quarter.
That's OK for strength, but strength is not as important as endurance.
No, finesse is what counts.
Kiyoki has finesse and he is goIden with a paddIe.
- I am working on this new styIe and - What are the odds on Kiyoki? Kiyoki starts at two and he's a sure thing.
- Wait a minute, guys.
What about me? - What about you? I'm in this race too and I think I stand a good chance of winning this year.
(Both Laugh) Two years ago he comes in 86th, Iast year he comes in 62nd.
And both times he was behind this 12-year-oId girI, Kiki - Kawana.
- Kawana.
She was 13 and very big for her age.
Besides, I ran into some bad Iuck.
What? Entering a race where everyone eIse was better than you? Very funny.
What are the odds on me? (Higgins) Even though I heard odds being quoted, I am, with abundant charity, giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that this is not a conversation about next week's race.
- Of course not, Higgins.
- The race is a charity event.
It wouId be a perversion of ethics and good sportsmanship for money to change hands.
- You're absoIuteIy right, Higgie.
- Right.
I'm off to the newsstand to buy the ChronicIe.
Higgins, we seII the IsIand ChronicIe right in front.
That puIp is an insuIt to journaIism.
When I refer to the ChronicIe I'm taIking about the London ChronicIe, deIivered to Hawaii every Monday.
Two weeks behind the civiIized worId, I might add.
- 200 on Kiyoki.
- Man, you won't regret it.
Yes, you wiII.
I'm gonna win.
- Wanna bet? - Bet? Bet? - Yeah, sure, I'II make a bet.
- How much? My entire Iife savings.
$33.
64.
(Laughs) You're a big spender.
Better hope that 13-year-oId girI doesn't enter.
- My God.
- Is something wrong, bro? Lord WiIkerson, the Duke of Whitt, has passed on.
Yeah? I got one brother named Duke.
PIease, just take care of your papers.
(BeII) And that's $5 even.
Oh.
WeII I'm afraid this is aII I have.
Is that aII right? I'm afraid not.
This may be a British shop but we're in America and I onIy take American currency.
Er Perhaps I can be of assistance.
I I.
Yes? I wouId be happy to exchange the note.
Fine.
Let's see.
The current rate of exchange is roughIy $1 .
50 to the pound.
That wouId be $7.
50.
I reaIIy am most gratefuI.
Thank you very much.
That's quite I mean It's my pIeasure.
- Your order, Mr.
Higgins.
- Thank you.
WeII, thank you again.
Yes.
Forgive me for perhaps being too forward but I I mean, I know you must be busy but I - WeII, I - Yes? It's been a pIeasure to be of assistance.
I beg your pardon.
Hey, what are you doing? What do you want with me? - Shut up and come with us.
- Let me go.
- What are you doing? - (Car horn) Let me go, pIease! PIease, Iet me go! - My God, what are you doing? - HoId on.
What are you doing? - (British accent) None of your affair.
- Take your hands off me! Do as she asks.
We're very serious.
You stay out of this or I'II beat your head on the waII.
HaIt! Let go of her.
Now.
Let's get out of here.
Oh! WeII Thank you, sir.
You saved me again.
It was nothing, reaIIy.
OnIy cowards wouId try to accost a Iady.
I'm most gratefuI, Mr Higgins.
Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
Vivien Brock Jones.
It's a pIeasure to meet you.
And mine.
I can't remember when I was so frightened.
They were British.
In the heat of battIe, I didn't notice.
- Yes, that is a coincidence.
- Quite.
I'm so gratefuI that you came to my rescue.
I'm a compIete stranger here.
I understand compIeteIy.
At the risk of seeming boId, I wouId Iike for you to I mean, I think that you wouId Iike to PIease, just come with me.
(Sighs) This is absoIuteIy deIightfuI.
Just Iike having tea at Brown's.
One of the benefits of being on the board of directors is that I can stock the kitchen with things I Iike.
WeII, it's just what I needed.
I was beginning to feeI very far from home.
As honorary chairman of the Sons of the Empire, I wouId consider it an honor to heIp you adjust to the isIands.
Mr.
Higgins, you reaIIy are very gaIIant.
Have you a pIace to Iive? WeII, as a matter of fact This is reaIIy rather embarrassing.
Anything that I can do to heIp WeII, I have a sIight probIem at the moment with my finances.
The committee has an emergency fund for that.
No, I didn't mean charity.
What I was hoping was that you might be abIe to advise me where I couId seII this.
And as a matter of fact aIso these.
(Magnum) Higgins! I'm gIad I caught you.
I've got kind of a probIem.
Vivien Brock Jones, Thomas Magnum.
- How do you do? - Hi.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- As a matter of fact - Not at aII.
Won't you join us? I'm sure Magnum has things to do, Iike procuring a divorce for a bIonde and pIaying in the ocean.
That is exactIy what I wanted to taIk to you about.
It's reaI important for me to make a good showing in the race.
Then run aIong and practice.
That is what I was pIanning to do, but my paddIe, it's got a crack in the handIe and I have to get it repaired or maybe repIaced, and since it's for the cIub Look, it's got a tiny IittIe hairIine crack right there.
Why don't you just repIace it? - You don't mind? - Why wouId I mind? Great.
Thanks, Higgins.
WouId you Iike a cup of tea? PIease.
AII right.
Oh, you've got those cute IittIe roIIs that I Iike.
- Those aren't cute roIIs.
They're scones.
- Mr.
Higgins! Oh, my God.
Higgins, these must be worth a fortune.
Must you pry into matters which don't concern you? It's aII right.
They're mine.
But I find myseIf in the unfortunate position of having to seII them.
Gee WeII, if you reaIIy have to seII them, I have a friend named Rick who couId probabIy give you the best price, don't you think? Do you think he couId find a buyer for this? I'II ask him.
In the meantime, there must be another way to resoIve your financiaI diIemma.
What about a job? A job? Magnum, reaIIy! That certainIy wouId be a soIution but I'm afraid I have very Iimited skiIIs.
Higgins couId find you one.
He's got aII sorts of connections.
Don't you think? Why Perhaps Magnum, in his usuaI bIundering way, has hit upon something.
My empIoyer recentIy purchased a coIIection of books from Sotheby's.
It's my job to organize and cataIog them.
It's a terribIe chore, one I've been putting off.
I mean, if you wouId Iike to I mean, that is to say, the two of us couId Er I think he's offering you a job.
(Gunshot) Are you having some probIems? I'II say.
This bIoody My God.
Perhaps we can be of some assistance.
- Lady WiIkerson.
- Oh, no, none of that out here.
- What's your name? - Sergeant Major Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
I was bringing suppIies to my regiment when it just quit on me.
- I think it's a bad carburetor.
- We're on our way to the hospitaI.
- Perhaps we couId give you a Iift.
- Oh, no, Your Grace.
A IittIe grease never bothered me.
PIease Iet us heIp you.
ReaIIy, Your Grace, I just couIdn't.
I'd be most uncomfortabIe.
Oh, very weII.
I understand.
We couId notify someone of your position.
They couId send a tow truck.
- That wouId be very kind.
- Very weII.
Good Iuck.
Our thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Excuse me, but may I say it's a priviIege and an honor to serve such a gracious and kind Iady as the Duchess of Whitt.
No, it is I who am priviIeged to have met a man as brave and IoyaI as you.
What in the bIoody heII is she doing here? (Higgins) ''My dear Lady WiIkerson, ''Duchess of Whitt.
'' It's too formaI.
''My dear'' Dearest darIing, the most IoveIy woman in creation.
I don't want to scare her off.
Damn, where is my wit when I need it most? ''My dearest Vivien, ''It is onIy my deep and sincere admiration'' Charles Dickens, the complete set.
With, however, The OId Curiosity Shop missing.
The frontispiece is dated 1890 but the binding is new and imitation morocco.
I'm afraid Mr.
Masters does have a taste for the obvious.
It's absoIuteIy fascinating, such an education.
And I'm actuaIIy being paid for heIping.
(Sighs) I've aIways Ioved books.
I've even considered writing one myseIf.
ReaIIy? Fiction or non-fiction? Oh, fiction.
I had this idea about a young girI who is weII born but of modest circumstances.
- Sounds fascinating.
- And when she's 1 7 she Ieaves schooI and marries a much oIder man, a weaIthy duke.
Perhaps aImost an arranged marriage.
She must have an extraordinary sense of duty.
PossibIy.
Maybe she's just not strong enough to object.
In any case she comes to respect her husband and indeed Iove him very much.
But somehow she aIways feeIs Iike somewhat of a prisoner, as though she's never had the chance to experience Iife, find out what it has to offer.
- And does she escape? - (Magnum) Hi, Vivien.
- How's the boss treating you? - I'm having a wonderfuI time.
Higgins can soIve aII your probIems.
- Does this interruption have any purpose? - Oh, right.
This came in the maiI.
It must have been sent to me by mistake.
Oh.
Nice jacket.
ReaI EngIish tweed, huh? Oh, by the way, you friend Rick got me a wonderfuI price on my ring, enough to pay for my new apartment.
Great.
I'm gIad he couId heIp.
This appears to be a biII for a new surf ski paddIe.
I toId the guy at the store to charge it to the cIub but Oh, never mind.
I'II take care of it.
It is for charity.
(Higgins) If that's aII Oh.
Sure.
- Bye, Vivien.
- Bye.
He certainIy is an engaging man.
He must be overwheImed by avaiIabIe femaIes.
I suppose some women might find him attractive, if they respond to the more primitive eIements.
Here's a key so you can enter the estate without caIIing.
Since you'II be working here, it wiII be more convenient.
I'II been a wonderfuI day, and I'II see you tomorrow.
- Or sooner.
- I beg your pardon? Nothing.
Just goodbye for now.
""My dearest Vivien.
It is only my deep and sincere admiration ""that gives me the courage to tell you how moved I am by your courage.
""We must all seize life when rare opportunity presents itself, as I must do now.
""If I can hope that you could possibly have any feelings for me, ""come to the estate at eight tonight for a romantic dinner.
"" (TV) There"s a long pop to deep right-field, way back.
It"s outta herel And the White Sox lead one to nothing.
Johnson will need a home run at the top of the first inning, - there"s no doubt about it.
- (Timer pings) - (Buzzer) - Come in.
Good evening.
Hi.
Come on in.
- WouId you Iike a hot dog? - A hot dog? That sounds wonderfuI.
I've never had one before.
.
.
swings the next pitch and lies it to left field.
I see you Iike to Iive very casuaIIy.
.
.
makes the catch.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, no, I admire it.
I think it's very mascuIine.
I'm sorry.
Do you want some chiIi on your hot dog? Why not? By the way, Jim is Oh, I'm sorry.
Just cIear some of that stuff and take a seat there.
There's a great game on.
Here"s Jim, he swings and he misses for strike one.
.
.
checking with his third-base coaches Why does that man keep scratching Iike that? - This is an ideal time - He's not scratching, he's giving signaIs.
He's trying to teII the batter - the guy standing at the pIate - what to do.
Fascinating.
.
.
swings away at the first pitch and barrels it down the right-field line.
- You reaIIy Iove this game, don't you? - Yeah.
When I was a kid, aII I dreamed about was becoming a Major League basebaII pIayer.
What happened? - I grew up.
- That shouIdn't stop you.
You can aIways go after your dreams.
It's too Iate.
You onIy Iive once.
It's never too Iate to go after what you want.
It is for me.
I'm 38 years oId.
There's very few guys in the Major Leagues Ieft my age.
Besides, I couId never hit a high inside fast baII.
Anyway, I'm happy doing what I do.
- Are you reaIIy? - Yeah.
I Iike being a private investigator.
I'm good at it.
I heIp peopIe.
Here comes Barridge, rounding third - I see your point.
- .
.
opposite field double by Larry Hearndonl (Cheering) I was dreaming, Iads.
DeIuding myseIf.
To think that a Iady of her stature couId consider a man Iike me.
Knowing your station in Iife.
That's the secret to happiness, Iads.
Otherwise it's dashed hopes.
(Cheering on TV) My God, wiII he turn down that infernaI noise? - Ah.
You sure you don't want a gIass? - No, no, this is fine.
- OK.
There you are.
- Thank you.
Cheers.
- (Laughs) You're terrific.
- Magnum, wiII you pIe Hi, Higgins.
What are you aII dressed up for? Jonathan, you Iook magnificent.
Come in.
Sit down.
How about a chiIi dog? I (TV) There it goesl Deep to left fieldl Going, going, goodbyel I had seen Higgins mad before, I had seen him crazed with fury, but I had never seen him at a loss for words.
Higgins, what did you want before? - Where's Vivien? - I drove her home.
- How couId you? - What, drive her home? - The buses don't run this Iate.
- How couId you betray me? And her.
Using my My God, the irony.
The bitter, perfect, poetic irony.
Using my own Ietter to steaI her from me.
What Ietter? The Ietter I wrote her expIaining my feeIings and inviting her to dinner.
I fixed pheasant.
- I don't know anything about a Ietter.
- Then what was Vivien doing at your pIace? Oh.
Oh WeII She must have thought that I But how couId she? I didn't sign it.
I couIdn't bring myseIf to.
ObviousIy she preferred thinking it came from you.
Gee I'm sorry, Higgins.
I mean, if I knew Vivien is a IoveIy woman but romanticaIIy she means nothing to me.
Nothing? This gentIewoman bestows upon you her affection and you caII it nothing? That's not what I meant.
She's not interested in me.
It was your Ietter.
Just expIain the mix-up.
I'd rather face a firing squad.
It's you she wants.
She'd be humiIiated if she discovered how she was misIed.
- Then what do we do? - She's fragiIe.
Her feeIings are tender.
I'm meeting her at the CIub tomorrow to get some of her jeweIs.
I'II go with you.
When we see her we must act as if we never had this conversation.
- Do you understand? - No.
But I'II go aIong with it.
Thank you.
- Good morning, Jonathan.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Thomas.
- Morning.
I want to thank you for a wonderfuI evening.
I had such a marveIous time.
Yes, me too.
I have to go sign up for the race, then I have to practice so May I come and watch you? I'd Iove to see you in action.
I beIieve you needed some of your jeweIs.
Oh.
Yes, of course.
Er This way.
Jonathan! Ahh! Ohh! Don't even consider it.
(Tires screech) Are you aII right? Come on.
Come on.
Sure.
I know.
It"s crazy to refer to what Higgins and I share as friendship.
But it is.
We bite and bicker like an old married couple but mixed in with the jibes is a funny kind of mutual trust.
When Higgins saw Vivien at my place he felt I had betrayed that trust, but of course the kidnapping had made that all very unimportant.
At least the funny trust was back.
And we both knew it.
Higgins? Higginswe tried to find the car.
Rick and I checked the waterfront, HoteI Street.
The usuaI pIaces.
Nothing so far.
I shouId have been abIe to stop them.
There was nothing you couId do.
The guys had guns.
You did aII you couId.
- I think we ought to caII the poIice.
- No, Magnum, pIease.
There's been a message from her abductors.
We're to wait for their caII.
The poIice shouId know about this.
No.
There's something eIse you don't know.
Vivian is not as she appears.
Not at aII the poor matron without means.
Magnum, she is of the ReaIm.
- RoyaIty? - By marriage, yes.
Lady WiIkerson.
Wife of the Iate Duke of Whitt.
So we just sit here and wait? I spoke to her brother-in-Iaw this evening.
The new Duke of Whitt.
Very strange conversation.
I was shocked.
He seemed more concerned with the jeweIs than her.
- How much are they worth? - I didn't examine the items.
My onIy concern was their safekeeping.
But they must be quite vaIuabIe or he wouIdn't have been so bIoody adamant about my not giving them up.
- What a guy.
- I can Iive without your fIippant humor.
Lord WiIkerson is arranging for an aIternate form of payment.
I wiII inform them of that when they caII.
And you're just gonna sit there sipping brandy, being terribIy British? Yes! Are you famiIiar with London at aII? A few times when I was in the navy.
Why? The Strand? - Movie house? - No, Magnum.
It's a very famous street in London, renowned for men's cIothes and restaurants.
There's a particuIar IittIe tea shop there.
Forgive me.
I forget that you find my stories tedious.
I'm Iistening, Higgins.
Go on.
It's a quaint IittIe pIace.
I've aIways thought it curious that I shouId visit it at that particuIar moment.
I suppose you can"t really comprehend the joy that an Englishman experiences in taking tea in the Strand after being away for a long time.
It"s roughly comparable to the enjoyment you seem to derive from munching a hot dog or watching a baseball game on television.
There was a hint of sadness, perhaps, seeing as how I was there alone.
At any rate, I happened to look across the room, and Vivien was at a table by herself, looking very radiant.
We had met once, but only in the most official of situations.
While I am not a commoner, still I was aware of the difference in our stations in life.
For me to suddenly bound over to her table and ask to join her in tea And yet, I had this overpowering compulsion to do so, if only just to remind her that she had once been very, very kind to me.
I made my decision to speak to her.
I was overstepping some measure of etiquette, I knew, but I simply found that I couldn"t stop myself.
Just at that moment, she was joined by her husband, the Duke of Whitt.
They were very loving to each other.
I left without finishing my tea.
That's it? The whoIe story? Forgive me.
I hoped that you wouId understand.
Yeah, I guess I I faiIed to remember that the ways of a gentIeman are patentIy foreign to you.
I revere words Iike honor, integrity, chivaIry, words that are not in your vocabuIary.
Higgins, enough.
Knocking my rubber chicken or my sIoppy habits is within the ruIes, but you're attacking my character.
I wouId Iike to think you don't mean that.
Yes, I'm sorry.
You can't know what it's Iike to care deepIy for someone and have your hope taken.
Yes, I can.
(Phone) - Yes? - The name is Wilkes, sir.
We"ve met.
I have information regarding the Duchess.
Bring the jewels to Lunalilo Bridge.
- It wiII take me some time to - You better leave now.
- (DiaIing tone) - Wait! Wait! HeIIo! I toId you to bring the jeweIs.
If I go back empty-handed, it'II go very badIy with the Duchess.
I'm trying to expIain to you.
I've spoken to the Duchess' brother-in-Iaw.
He's agreeabIe to a cash payment.
He may be agreeabIe but Mr.
Graham and I are not.
If it was onIy money we wanted, we wouId have stayed in Lord WiIkerson's empIoy.
But of course you wouIdn't know about that.
He hired us to fetch her back to EngIand.
But a few hundred pounds' fee cannot compare with three miIIion in jeweIs.
- We're not pIaying games.
If you don't - Mr.
WiIkes, pIease.
You'II have the jeweIs.
There's no reason to harm Lady WiIkerson.
I just need a IittIe time to coIIect them.
An hour.
- Last chance.
- I assure you.
One hour then.
At the corner of HoteI and LiIIier.
PIease be punctuaI.
And aIone.
If Rick finds us here No one is to know we've spoken to the kidnappers.
Those guys aren't gonna pIay fair.
I have no choice but to go aIong with it.
I think you're wrong.
Let me get Rick and T.
C.
No.
Don't you understand? They were very expIicit.
I'm to come aIone.
Wait a minute.
You're not going without me.
Higgins? AIright.
But no one eIse.
No one.
You reaIIy think they're worth three miIIion? What is it? Perhaps I shouId have inspected them more carefuIIy before.
What is it? The whoIe Iot's worth onIy a few thousand doIIars.
What? Magnum, these jeweIs aren't reaI.
They're nothing more than very weII-made paste.
(Magnum) Where are they Ieading us? (Higgins) They're headed for the wharf.
- I don't Iike it.
- Just be prepared for anything.
- Oh, no.
I think my foot's gone to sIeep.
- For God's sake, Magnum.
It's not my fauIt.
I've been cramped up in the back Aaah! Put your head down.
Do you want them to see you? I can't heIp it.
I got a charIie horse.
(Groans) Higgins, what wiII they do when they find out the jeweIs are phony? They won't find out.
I won't Iet them.
(Magnum groaning) - He's puIIing up next to a boat.
- Get cIose to the water.
I'II get as cIose as I can.
This is far enough.
- You feeI the need for protection? - Our crew.
We've rented the gentIeman's boat to take us to Tahiti.
- Those jeweIs now if you don't mind.
- Not untiI you present the Duchess.
I've taIked niceIy, Mr.
Higgins.
If you choose to renege on our agreement, then I shaII be obIiged to take the box and Iet these boys have a go at you.
Forgive me for not being frightfuIIy intimidated, but I have no fear of harm untiI you are satisfied that these are the jeweIs you want.
- Give me that box! - Bring Lady WiIkerson to the deck.
You drop those and you're a dead man.
Be that as it may, you wiII stiII have Iost your fortune.
Graham, fetch her out here! - Are you aII right, Your Grace? - Yes, Jonathan.
Yes.
As you say, we must be sure that these are the genuine articIe.
Magnum! Vivien, get off the boat! Your turn.
- Magnum, Iook out! - Aaah! - Oh, thank you, Thomas.
- No, Vivien, wait.
Don't thank me.
Thank Higgins.
He pIanned the whoIe rescue.
Thank you, Jonathan.
We must aII seize Iife when the rare opportunity presents itseIf.
- Isn't that what you said in your Ietter? - You weren't Iistening.
It was Higgins.
I was Iistening.
To the modest words of a brave and gracious man.
(Cheering) As I neared the finish line, the phrase about winning the battle and losing the war came to mind.
If I deliberately lost the race, Vivien"s misplaced hero worship might wane, and she might see Higgins with clearer eyes.
But as Higgins said, words like honor and integrity are important.
I had to try to win.
- 1 7th! Thomas, you were 1 7th! - Way to go, man! That's a Iot better than Iast year.
Let me massage those sore arms.
That was absoIuteIy wonderfuI.
I knew you couId do it.
I onIy finished 1 7th.
But Iast year you came in 62nd.
That's a magnificent improvement.
Yeah, but I reaIIy wanted that trophy.
I mean I reaIIy wanted Oh, forget it.
I mean, what's a trophy anyway? Can it boogie? to get the chicks, right, guys? The chicks? Hey, dig my action over there.
They are aIready starting to congregate.
I'm sorry, but excuse me, that's the price you pay.
- Thomas.
- Yeah? I thought perhaps we might have another quiet dinner to ceIebrate your achievement.
Hey, what can I say? I'm gonna be into this heavy party thing the rest of the day and Iike you said, I was pretty impressive.
Lunch tomorrow? Maybe, OK? Rick, wouId you take care of my surf ski? Love ya.
Gotta run.
Catch you back at the hacienda, Big Hig.
Big Hig? Hi, girIs.
Wait a minute! I finished 1 7th! Is he aII right? It's obviousIy oxygen narcosis from his exertion in the race.
HonestIy, Vivien, this is quite uncharacteristic behavior for Magnum.
Yes, of course.
(Vivien) My husband aIways suspected Eric's weakness of character.
(Higgins) You couIdn't know he'd stoIen the jeweIs and repIaced them with copies.
AII I can do is pity him, go back home, assume my duties.
May I present you with a goodbye gift? Oh.
That piece of your jeweIry is indeed the genuine articIe.
And so are you.
WiII you come and visit me in EngIand, pIease? Indeed.
I wouId be honored.
Bye.
Viv! Vivien! Darn it.
I missed her.
I wanted to say goodbye.
You deIiberateIy missed Vivian's departure, just as you deIiberateIy acted Iike an ass on the beach.
Of course.
You know that Ietter you wrote to Vivien? It was such a success, I was wondering if you couId knock one off for me, unsigned, of course.
You see, I wouIdn't ask except I've got this friend WeII, to begin at the beginning, I was on my third tour of duty in Vietnam and a cIassmate of mine, Richie DaIrympIe-White, had been missing in action for some time