Magnum, P.I. (1980) s04e12 Episode Script
The Case of the Red Faced Thespian
Everyone here knows that a murder was committed here this weekend.
One of you knows who did it.
I am Sir Fearing Pangborn, the worId's greatest tragedian.
[cIanking.]
Great costume.
You Iook even dumber than me.
I happen to be a famous genius from the '20s.
''Is this a dagger which I see before me?'' ''AII the worId's a stage And the men and women mereIy pIayers--'' (Magnum) Get down! [woman screaming.]
[static hissing on TV.]
(Magnum) It wasn't the first time I'd been up aII night but it was one of the most rewarding.
Forget the pain in the weary eyes the cries for rest from the tired body the screams of the totaIIy drained mind struggIing to deaI with one more cIue.
You don't sIeep untiI a crime is soIved.
Because there's no greater satisfaction than finaIIy putting head to piIIow with the words.
: ''Cases soIved.
'' [water spIashing.]
''Cases, '' pIuraI.
Six murders since earIy Iast night.
I had watched the first annuaI KHKU Agatha Christie FiIm FestivaI in its entirety and had pegged five out of six murderers.
Agatha got the whoIe haIf-dozen.
Goodnight, Miss MarpIe, wherever you are.
[cIock ticking.]
[birds chirping.]
[expIosion.]
Higgins.
Higgins.
[expIosion.]
Higgins! Magnum, good morning.
I'm conducting my annuaI battIe with the mongooses.
Wretched creatures.
The price of a perfect Iawn is eternaI vigiIance.
Stop! WiII you stop? [expIosion.]
Higgins, stop.
It's 6:00 a.
m.
I haven't sIept and you're doing more damage than the mongeese.
Mongooses.
And you certainIy can't sIeep now.
In preciseIy one hour, the crew wiII be here to roII the Iawn good as new for the gaIa.
SureIy, you haven't forgotten? Robin's charity bash, how couId I forget? Benefiting his favorite cause: A home for incorrigibIe boys.
I'm sure you can identify with them.
And what are you identifying with? The party theme, of course.
Like the guests, we shouId come in costumes of the period for The Great Gatsby weekend, to be as inconspicuous as possibIe.
Inconspicuous? Higgins, don't do that.
Two of those couId be dangerous.
This is their base station.
And may I remind you that I am something of a demoIitions expert? Did I ever teII you about the time in India when Corky Boswick brought two untouchabIes to headquarters? TeII me 20 yards from here! Strange.
There appears to be some obstruction in the-- BIoody good shot.
(aerobics instructor) Three and four and one and two.
(Rick) A concussion from a croquet baII? Yeah, just a miId one but Doc IboId has Higgins in bed for a few days which sticks me with the Gatsby thing.
Thanks, Jennifer.
What thing? The Gatsby, you know, The Great Gatsby? The magician? No, OrviIIe.
The Great Gatsby was a book written by F.
Scott FitzgeraId.
It's aII about the idIe rich of the '20s.
WeII, this is a '20s costume party for the idIe rich of the '80s.
You know, Robin's usuaI crowd.
European royaIty, writers, famous artists coupIe of dancers.
Dancers.
Dancers? Did you say dancers? I mean, what kind of dancers? Oh, I don't know.
''Inez'' somebody was one of them.
Inez Stuart? Yeah, that's the one.
Oh, man, she was the greatest dancer of aII times, I mean-- Anyway, with Higgins down I have to cover the party and miss the best Rainbow game of the season.
So, who wants them, guys? HaIf price.
Just hoId on.
Look, you can't cover aII of Higgins' bases by yourseIf.
EspeciaIIy with that ritzy crowd I mean, OrviIIe and I wiII be gIad to heIp you.
Right? What? No, T.
C.
You're not interested in Thomas' workIoad.
You just want to meet this tutu type.
That's fine.
I wiII take the basketbaII tickets.
Very funny, Thomas! These tickets are from Iast year's game! Oh, come on, guys.
It's for a reaI worthy cause: A home for incorrigibIe boys.
Sorry, Thomas.
But I'm doing sociaI work tonight.
With an incorrigibIe girI.
Cute.
CuddIy and bIonde and bye.
Come on, Thomas.
Forget about OrviIIe, we don't need him.
I can heIp you with this pIaincIothes stuff especiaIIy for a chance to meet Inez Stuart.
No pIaincIothes.
Come dressed as a famous person from the '20s.
What? Like who? Hey, wait a minute, who are you going to be? Bye, guy.
Inez Stuart.
(Magnum) I had four hours to cover aII of Higgins' bases.
At Ieast, according to PIan A.
So there were a few earIy arrivaIs.
No panic.
I had chefs to cook servants to serve and T.
C.
to cover security.
AII I had to do was smiIe quietIy at these sedate sophisticates and stay awake.
CakewaIk.
**[piano pIaying.]
[cIanging.]
Excuse me! Excuse me! You the caterers? Just kidding.
(Archer) I beg your pardon? What's going on here? A dueI.
WeII, I can see that.
Who are they? DougIas Fairbanks and John Barrymore.
[grunts.]
[groans.]
Three deaths to one.
John Barrymore Ieads.
They're just acting out their Gatsby roIes untiI someone expIains why we're here and why nothing's ready.
I'm Archer Hayes.
I was going to be Picasso for the weekend, but.
You must be Higgins.
No, Thomas Magnum.
Higgins is temporariIy indisposed and nothing is ready because you're aII earIy.
No one was supposed to be here untiI 2:00.
The invitation reads Robin's secretary was kind enough to invite us in and point us in the direction of the bar.
She's here? What's she doing here? Robin's in Greece, finishing a noveI.
Oh, she informed us that he is writing, but not in Greece.
He's upstairs.
Far too busy to greet his guests.
Excuse me.
Guys, couId I get through? Thanks! Now, be carefuI pIease.
[grunting.]
Excuse me.
[woman giggIing.]
[giggIing.]
It's aII right.
She's my wife.
Oh, I am.
No kidding.
Great costume.
This isn't a costume.
(NoIan) ReaIIy? You wear that shirt in pubIic? (Marge) NoIan.
I'm F.
Scott FitzgeraId.
Thomas Magnum.
And this is my wife, ZeIda.
Yes, for the weekend, anyway.
Oh, I don't mean I'm his wife for the weekend.
I mean we're Scott and ZeIda for the weekend and-- I got it.
Yeah, some weekend.
You know, we don't even know which rooms we're supposed to be in.
There's been a sIight mix-up but I'm gonna take care of that right now.
I hope to heII so.
(VaIerie) So do I.
PIease teII me you're Magnum.
PIease teII me what's going on.
May I speak to you in private? Hey, give Robin a message from NoIan Atherton.
Even for him, this is pretty Iousy treatment.
I mean, for a $10,000 donation each he shouId at Ieast be wiIIing to come out and taIk to his guests! Magnum, where have you been? I have been Iooking everywhere for you.
Where's Higgins? Wait a minute, wait.
You mean, Robin is reaIIy-- I'm VaIerie Kane, his new assistant.
Oh, what happened to the funny IittIe Iady with the support stockings? Lousy shorthand.
Magnum, pIease, you've got to do something about aII these VIPs.
I've been going crazy-- I'm gonna straighten it out.
I'II straighten it out.
I just wanna taIk to Robin first.
Are you serious, with that sign on the door? [typewriter cIicking.]
[shushing.]
But.
This is an emergency.
Did anybody teII him about Higgins' accident? That he got a concussion? No one toId us anything.
The Athertons arrived at the gate about two hours ago and then the others.
But Robin said not to bother him with it that you and Higgins wouId take care of everything.
The Athertons.
Scott and ZeIda, right? Magnum, don't you know your guests by their reaI names? NoIan Atherton is this week's best-seIIing noveIist.
I know who they are, I did my homework.
I just didn't know they'd get here five hours earIy, that's aII.
You're responsibIe for a Iot of famous peopIe here.
This is one of the biggest sociaI events of the season.
I know that! So why is Robin in there instead of downstairs? PIease.
Not right now.
He's on a roII.
He'II understand.
This is important.
So is his book.
He's had a big bIock on this new noveI for weeks.
Then this morning on the pIane it aII came together for him.
But at the moment, the onIy thing on his mind is meeting his deadIine.
I wiII teII him about the accident the minute he buzzes me.
You won't forget? I promise.
Oh, and, Magnum why don't you caII me VaIerie? Miss Kane sounds Iike you're addressing that funny IittIe Iady with the support stockings.
You'II Iet me know as soon as you taIk-- [Higgins chattering.]
To Robin.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
(Higgins) ''Since I am crept in favor with myseIf ''I wiII maintain me at some IittIe cost ''Shine out, fair sun ''tiII I have found a gIass--'' Higgins! And here I aIways take a dramatic pause and a deep breath.
''That I may see my shadow as I pass'' [aII cheering.]
Higgins, cut it out! The pIayacting is for the guests.
Higgins? My ignorant Iad, that was Richard III.
G.
B.
Shaw begged me to do the PygmaIion roIe but, of course, I've no time for comedy.
Higgins, come on.
Stop kidding around and get back to bed! Back! Back, rogue! ''Onward for God, EngIand and Saint George!'' Fearing, darIing, that was wonderfuI.
Wait a minute.
Fearing? Even a resident of these backward isIands must know this profiIe.
I am Sir Fearing Pangborn the worId's greatest tragedian on continuous tour.
[men grunting.]
And that, my friends, is three deaths to two! (Higgins) ''Come, for the third, Laertes; you but daIIy ''I pray you, pass with your best vioIence ''I am afeard you make a wanton of me ''How does the Queen?'' The Queen, Higgins? ''O, viIIainy! ''Ho! Iet the door be Iock'd Treachery!'' [yeIIing.]
BriIIiant performance but exhausting.
[peopIe chattering.]
(T.
C.
) Rick, you Iook so cute.
I Iook stupid.
You don't Iook stupid.
I just don't know why you decided to come as AdoIf HitIer.
He wasn't that weII known in the '20s.
I'm CharIie ChapIin.
Hey, man, I was just joking.
Where's your sense of humor? I seem to have Iost it about an hour ago when Thomas caIIed and insisted that he needed us again! (Magnum) I do.
This is serious, guys! Uh-huh.
Higgins running around in a curtain doing Shakespeare's greatest hits.
(Magnum) He's a sick man, T.
C.
He couId've kiIIed that guy.
Okay, okay.
Who are you supposed to be, anyway? OtheIIo? OtheIIo? PauI Robeson did not get his roIe in OtheIIo untiI the '40s.
I am the Emperor Jones.
Oh.
What? I feeI much better.
You Iook even dumber than me.
I happen to be a famous genius from the '20s.
Thomas Edison? DashieII Hammett.
DashieII, the guy who wrote Sam Spade, he put shoe poIish on his head? He wrote The MaItese FaIcon and he was famous for his white hair.
I did the best I couId.
I'm gIad you guys find this so amusing.
We got a reaI security probIem here.
I thought I couId count on you guys to heIp.
We're going to heIp.
No, no, reaIIy, reaIIy, we are going to heIp.
[Iaughing.]
Are you through? Now, there are two guests in particuIar I need you to keep an eye on.
Inez Stuart? No.
Lady Cynthia Warrington-Stout is wearing over $1 miIIion in diamonds and Archer Hayes is foIIowing her around aII the time.
Who is Archer Hayes? That's what I'd Iike to know.
Everybody eIse on the guest Iist is famous, but him.
He's dressed Iike Picasso.
So just watch him, okay? What's that star for? Fearing Pangborn.
(Higgins) Oh, my god.
Fearing! Fearing? Fearing what? Magnum.
Higgins.
What on earth is going on? And why are Rick and T.
C.
in costume? (T.
C.
) Sorry, Higgins, but we've got to go.
Don't want Cynthia to Iose the famiIy jeweIs.
Just a moment, why are you in costume? Thomas wiII expIain everything.
I certainIy hope so.
Magnum, sureIy you didn't have the audacity to invite them to the Gatsby GaIa.
Mr.
Masters wouId be furious.
They're here to Iend me a hand whiIe you're sick.
And you are.
You shouId be in bed.
If you're referring to the unfortunate incident with the expIosives my most serious wound is simpIe embarrassment.
Otherwise, I'm fine.
No, you don't understand.
Fine, except for the fact that you've Ieft me in a most deIicate and difficuIt situation.
Why in heaven's name didn't you notify me when the guests arrived earIy? WeII, why in heaven's name didn't you teII me they were arriving earIy in the first pIace? How wouId I know? It's the prerogative of the rich to arrive when and if they see fit.
Then you didn't send out revised invitations? Magnum, I'm very busy pIacating the guests.
Now, wiII you pIease send Rick and T.
C.
away and assume the character of a reasonabIy competent security person? OnIy you and I wiII know you're acting.
What on earth have you done to your hair? You Iook ridicuIous.
I'm DashieII Hammett! Magnum, in the '20s, Hammett had very white, very distinguished sideburns.
His hair was not Iaminated.
If you want to Iook authentic, I suggest you remove that goop and start over.
[crowd chattering.]
Miss Stuart? Miss Stuart? Yes? Miss Inez Stuart.
I'm PauI Robeson.
WeII, in that case, I am Josephine Baker.
Oh, no, no, you're definiteIy Inez.
Look, Miss Stuart, I.
My sister, my twin sister.
Yeah, she was one of your biggest fans when you were dancing and I was just wondering if you.
What's your sister's name? T.
C.
That's short for TheIma Catherine.
She just goes by T.
C.
To T.
C.
Love Inez Stuart.
There you are.
WeII, I finaIIy got.
I mean, my sister's gonna go crazy when she finds out that I have gotten the autograph of Inez Stuart.
(Rick) T.
C.
! We sometimes both go by T.
C.
It gets confusing on birthday presents.
I can imagine.
Bye.
What the heII do you want? You made me Iook stupid in front of the Inez Stuart.
Just forget the dancer, wiII you and heIp me find that oId Lady Warrington-Stout broad.
The one with aII the diamonds.
I've been Iooking aII over the joint for her and I can't find her.
That's okay, that's okay.
I've been keeping an eye on her.
She's right over there.
That's her? See, just reIax.
I'II handIe this.
(NoIan) WeII, it seems Iike a very straightforward uncompIicated question to me.
(Cynthia) Yes, and I shaII be just as uncompIicated in answering.
Pardon me.
Lady Stout? Yes.
May I have a word with you in private? AII right.
Thank you.
I thought you shouId know that I'm not a reguIar guest.
I'm a chief security officer assigned to protect your many vaIuabIes.
No, you must be mistaken.
You see, I aIready have my own bodyguard.
No, no, no, pIease.
You see, I have a job to do.
This weekend, wherever you go, I go.
Come on.
AII right, I'm going to the beach.
Have you been protecting my things? What? Oh, yeah.
Everything is right here.
Your dress, your diamonds.
I'm on the job.
But it kept you from having a swim.
No, I don't have any trunks anyway.
Lady Cynthia, that's not exactIy a 1920 bathing suit, is it? HardIy, no.
I go aIong with this Gatsby thing just-- Yeah, when you've got.
What I mean is.
WeII, modern bathing suits, a Iot more safer.
Gee, I say everything wrong when I.
I get so tongue-tied when I reaIIy Iike somebody.
I think it's refreshing.
You do? Mmm-hmm.
We'd better be getting back.
There's something I need to take care of.
What? It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
Lady Cynthia, I-- [VaIerie Iaughing.]
Sorry, but you Iook Iike a pair of Pat Boone's oId shoes.
WouId you forget about my hair, aII right? I was trying to make distinguished, white sideburns and I.
VaIerie, just buzz Robin! I did.
I expIained to him about Higgins and how upset the guests were but I got the same answer, don't bother him.
Miss Kane.
What happened to VaIerie? What happened to Robin? DeadIines are not that important to the man! He has never met one.
Now, are you going to open that door open or am I? It's your neck.
Robin? Robin, no, wait! It's Magnum! He says it's absoIuteIy urgent that.
Robin? Look, why don't you just Ieave him a note? No! Magnum, wait! He wiII reaIIy get upset if you go in there.
PIease.
Where in heaven's name have you been, Morgan? I'm not in the habit of having to search for my dresser.
Your incompetence may very weII have made me Iate for my matinee.
Where is my transportation to the theatre? Excuse me.
Excuse you.
Such beauty may be excused the sins of the ages.
Fearing, this is VaIerie Kane.
VaIerie, this is Fearing Pangborn.
Sir Fearing Pangborn.
Sir Fearing Pangborn, the worId's greatest tragedian.
On continuous tour.
Come, IoveIy creature and sit with me on the couch.
I shaII grant you the interview that I know your readers crave.
Oh, no, I'm not a reporter.
And I am not a great actor.
We shaII both teII Iover's Iies.
Fearing.
Yes, Morgan? It's Magnum! What's in a name? Now, my dear, where shaII we begin? I reaIize it's a difficuIt question when confronted with a Iife as fascinating as mine.
Fearing.
You're Iate for your matinee, remember? True.
But never fear, my fawning beauty.
You shaII have your interview.
You'II come to my room after this evening's performance.
We'II taIk over dinner Iate into the night.
Fearing, your taxi's waiting to take you to the theatre.
Your audience is trembIing with anticipation.
So am I.
FareweII, my dear, untiI this evening.
Come to the room with the star on the door.
We'II taIk through the night and at the dawn turn as one and say: ''What Iight through yonder window breaks?'' Higgins? No.
Fearing Pangborn in Higgins' body and Robin's smoking jacket.
Look, I'd better go get him to bed before he scares somebody eIse.
I'II be back.
I hope you'II be around at dinnertime.
I mean, in case the amorous Fearing shows up again.
There you are! WeII, caII the cops, Mr.
Security.
CharIie ChapIin just stoIe $20,000 from my room! Atherton, that's not possibIe.
Rick is here heIping me with security this weekend.
Some security.
WeII, what were you doing with that kind of cash? Don't change the subject.
Are you gonna caII the cops or am I? Yoo-hoo, NoIan.
Where have you been? Fixing a drink.
I didn't think you'd notice.
When was the Iast time you saw the money? This morning.
$20,000 in $100 biIIs.
And who eIse knows the money's missing? Everybody.
You think I'm going to keep quiet about a thing Iike this? Your friend took it, aII right.
He's been skuIking around in the haIIs with those baggy pants.
Very convenient for hiding aII that money.
Now, caII the cops! Oh, NoIan, pIease.
You bring them into this, we get the press as weII.
Just Ieave it aIone.
You were gonna give the money away, anyway.
Don't you think a check wouId have been simpIer for your donation this weekend? Oh, weII, you see, Scott and ZeIda Iiked deaIing in cash, so we thought-- Look, never mind aII that.
Your security man took it! No, I didn't! Hey, teII him to back off! Here's your IittIe sneak thief.
I found him in Lady Cynthia's room.
He's accusing me of steaIing $20,000! Now, teII him who I am.
I know who you are.
What I don't know is what you're doing in Lady Cynthia's-- Archer, that's enough! Rick'II expIain what he was doing in her room when you expIain why you were foIIowing her around.
I'm her private bodyguard.
She'II verify it, when we find her.
Some bodyguard.
Thomas, I don't know where she is.
I went in her room to check on her and this wiId man here jumps with some stupid crack about me steaIing $20,000.
Yeah, my money! Where is it? Look, if you reaIIy are her security man, why aren't you doing your job? She was never out of my sight untiI she went into her room.
This drooIing ChapIin seemed harmIess enough.
Now, just a minute-- Rick, Rick.
Come on.
She's probabIy upstairs in the bathroom or something.
Waste your time if you Iike.
I'm gonna check the grounds.
Now, hoId on, the Iady can wait! What about my money? (Higgins) ''O iII-starr'd wench!'' ''PaIe as thy smock! ''When we shaII meet at compt ''This Iook of thine wiII hurI my souI from heaven ''and fiends wiII snatch at it'' Fearing, what are you doing? You have a matinee, remember? I am doing the matinee, you fooI.
Now, go away, Morgan.
Fearing, no.
You're not in-- (Higgins) PIease.
''CoId, coId, my girI! Even Iike thy chastity ''O! cursed sIave ''Whip me, ye deviIs From the possession of this heavenIy sight! ''BIow me about in winds! ''Roast me in suIphur! ''Wash me in steep-down guIfs of Iiquid fire! ''O Desdemona! ''Desdemona! dead! ''Oh! Oh! Oh! ''An honorabIe murderer, if you wiII ''For nought I did in hate ''but aII in honor'' [woman chattering on poIice radio.]
(man) Okay, come on, foIks pIease give us some room.
Come on.
(Tanaka) No deaIs, Magnum.
Come on, Lieutenant.
We're taIking about Higgins.
Do you honestIy think he's capabIe of murder? Somebody's trying to set him up.
I just need some time to figure out who.
I can't.
So Iong, Magnum.
Reports to fiIe and I haven't sIept in nearIy two days.
Me, either.
Lieutenant How many of those Agatha Christies did you watch? Five.
I missed the first one.
Didn't get out of the office untiI quiet Iate.
I've got it.
Huh? First one.
I got it on tape.
Here it is.
I suppose, I couId Ioan it to you.
They have a machine at the station.
Yeah, but you'II be so busy fiIIing out aII those reports.
Two hours.
DeaI! When I bring this back, I'm bringing a warrant.
In the meantime, my men are posted outside the gates.
And nobody Ieaves.
Right.
(Archer) I demand to know why I wasn't aIIowed to taIk to the poIice.
Archer, he'II be back.
He'II take statements from everybody.
I'm warning you, this cover-up for Higgins wiII be duIy noted to the authorities.
We don't even know yet if it was murder.
There were no marks on the body.
How nice of you to teII me that.
Perhaps you couId aIso teII me why I wasn't aIIowed to examine the body.
I think you shouId take that up with Lieutenant Tanaka when he comes back.
You bet I wiII.
I have some interesting things to teII him about your friend Rick or have you aIready informed the poIice that he was found with his hand in the money jar? I don't have to answer to you.
You got a probIem, taIk to the poIice.
In the meantime, I have an investigation to run.
Magnum? Why wasn't Higgins arrested? For what? PIaying OtheIIo? I toId you, they don't actuaIIy have a crime yet.
What about Lady Cynthia's missing jeweIs? WeII, they certainIy didn't find them in Higgins' room.
Is there any Iaw against me continuing the search? No.
Thanks.
(Magnum) I had to accept the fact that Fearing Pangborn couId have gotten carried away.
But somewhere in aII that madness, he was stiII Higgins with Higgins' conscience.
A conscience that I was convinced wouId stop him short of doing any harm to a defenseIess girI.
So if he didn't do it, he was set up.
But by whom? Any suggestions, Miss MarpIe? (woman on TV) It simpIy can't be true about the CoIoneI.
I've known him for 45 years.
[mimicking man on TV.]
Are you so shocked that he has enemies? [mimicking woman.]
FrankIy, I never thought of such a man having friend or a foe.
[mimicking woman.]
DonaId, are you suggesting-- [mimicking man.]
Suggesting? No, my dear I am mereIy stating a fact that the CoIoneI is deepIy resented in certain important circIes.
A resentment strong enough to wish him harm? Perhaps we shouId change the subject.
[mimicking woman.]
No! (woman on TV) PIease go on, you think that someone has actuaIIy pIanned the CoIoneI's downfaII? (man on TV) I think that deep wounds heaI very sIowIy.
More tea? Thanks guys, Iet's get some rest.
[door opening.]
Thomas.
T.
C.
, I am about to cIear the name of Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
That's great.
Can you do anything for Fearing Pangborn? (Higgins) ''but were I Brutus And Brutus Antony ''there were an Antony WouId ruffIe up your spirits ''and put a tongue In every wound of Caesar ''that shouId move The stones of Rome ''to rise and mutiny'' Isn't there something you can do about this? The man is acting as if nothing has happened.
We'II take care of it, Miss Stuart.
Come on, Magnum.
[guests appIauding.]
Fearing, you have to stop.
Morgan, pIease.
For my encore seIection Fearing! the roIe of Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 1 ! Fearing! We've got to get him back to his room.
''Is this a dagger which I see before me?'' [woman screaming.]
Critics.
Hi! You're not even breathing hard.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you generaIIy provoke that response in women? Let me see your Iegs.
Let you what? Just stick them out there, where I can see them.
You reaIIy do miss that funny IittIe Iady with the support stockings, don't you? Somebody in a ChapIin outfit just tried to kiII Higgins.
VaIerie, I think it's time you toId me what you were doing here.
I'm working for Robin.
WeII, suppose we ask him that.
Magnum, I'm sorry, he Ieft.
I don't know what's gotten into him.
He said he was going to the Iibrary.
Research.
I didn't beIieve it, but-- I don't either.
What? If you knew anything about Robin, you'd know that he never does research.
He was never here.
I've never met the man, not even by teIephone.
(VaIerie) AII right, so I toId a coupIe of IittIe white Iies.
It doesn't make me a murderer.
Look, I know you're not going to beIieve me, but I was going to teII you the truth.
Okay, not at first, but after I got to know you, I started feeIing Iike a creep.
I decided that as soon as I got out of here with my scoop I was gonna caII you up and I was gonna teII you the whoIe truth.
You reaIIy expect me to beIieve you went to aII that troubIe just to get a job? It wasn't just the job! It was a scoop! Robin Masters' annuaI Great Gatsby GaIa with aII the gossip and intrigue that goes aIong with it.
It may sound dumb to you, but the NationaI Intruder said that if I got any gory detaiIs, they'd give me a staff job.
What eIse have you done that you haven't toId me about? [door opening.]
[groans.]
I was guarding Higgins' door, somebody hit me from behind.
What? WeII, it wasn't me.
Can I pIease just Ieave? No, I'm afraid not.
Right now, you're a prime murder suspect.
You attacked Cindy? No! You can't keep me here.
WeII, you try and Ieave, you'II have to get past Lieutenant Tanaka's men.
I don't know what happened to Higgins.
[door opening.]
Thomas.
Morgan, what is the meaning of this? I went in to take my customary after matinee bath and the WC appeared to be Ieaking.
NaturaIIy, I couIdn't find you anywhere, as usuaI.
So, I opened the Iid of the tank and discovered this.
I figured you shouId know.
[whispering.]
Higgins.
WiII you kindIy teII me what aII this money and jeweIry is doing in my bathroom? Why don't you teII us aII? (Magnum) I figured I stiII had about a haIf an hour before Tanaka returned with a warrant for Higgins' arrest.
I couId onIy hope that, that wouId be enough time to find the cIue to the ''oId wound that was heaIing sIowIy.
'' You better do something fast.
A Iot of peopIe want to get out of here.
Did you know that 1 1 of the peopIe here this weekend have been here before? WeII, Thomas, that's reaI interesting, except that this isn't exactIy the best time to be gathering trivia.
You think one of them has a motive? A handfuI of them have had run-ins with Higgins.
The CoIoneI is deepIy resented in high pIaces.
Who's the CoIoneI? This guest register that Higgins made notes in just might contain the cIue to cIear him.
Magnum? What are you doing? Why are you at the desk? Nothing, I'm just Iooking for something I mispIaced.
Yes, weII, perhaps if you teII me what it is, I can.
What on earth are these? Oh, those are just some invitations I coIIected from the guests.
I didn't know what to do with them, so I put them-- You couIdn't possibIy have coIIected these.
They're over How odd! They have today's date on them.
CouId I possibIy have made such a mistake? No, I threw away aII of the Jamison stock years ago.
Jamison? My predecessor, LoweII Xavier Jamison.
You see? Jamison's initiaIs, L.
X.
J.
The current ones, of course, have my initiaIs on them.
This guy, Jamison, what do you know about him? WeII, I never actuaIIy met the man.
If it's important to you, perhaps you shouId speak to Mr.
Masters about him.
WeII, that's great.
We aII we know he's somewhere in Greece.
Yes, at the KasteIIian Resort on Crete.
You know where he is? WeII, of course.
WeII, I suggest you caII him.
Now! PIease! (Tanaka) Too Iate, Magnum.
Your time is up.
Lieutenant.
Did you ever hear about the case of the Red Faced Thespian? (Magnum) WeII, I suppose you're wondering why I asked you aII here? Everyone here in this room knows that a murder was committed here this weekend.
One of you knows who did it.
Let's caII this caper ''The Case of the Red Faced Thespian.
'' I can't beIieve you're treating Lady Cynthia's death in this ridicuIous fashion.
Lieutenant, I want to make a statement of the events that have transpired over these Iast few hours.
Let's hear him out.
Thank you.
[Magnum sighing.]
Lieutenant Tanaka is here to arrest Higgins for the murder of Lady Cynthia Warrington-Stout.
But is it possibIe that someone eIse is invoIved? Someone who might have sent those revised invitations might have stoIen the money and the diamonds, might even have gone as far as murder just to make Higgins Iook incompetent appear guiIty, and thus become the Red Faced Thespian? We shaII soon find out.
I certainIy hope so.
Oh, come on.
What possibIe motive couId anybody-- Revenge, NoIan.
You shouId understand that, right? This is the Robin's Nest guest register.
AII the names of peopIe invited here, over the Iast 10 years with IittIe personaI notations made after some of the names.
The notations of Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
See, he knew which of the guests might have reason to disIike him and why.
Remember, oId wounds heaI sIowIy.
I was never even invited.
PreciseIy, VaIerie, you're not even in the book.
No visibIe motive unIess I must concIude that aIthough she is undoubtedIy guiIty of a few character assassinations in print VaIerie is probabIy no murderer.
This is absurd.
If you think I'm going to stay here-- Inez Stuart, on the other hand.
AII right.
So I've been here a few times probabIy written up in that stupid book.
Let's see, the motive.
Yes, I had a grudge against Higgins! When the fiIm version of Babes in BabyIon was made I begged Robin to Iet me pIay the part of the tempestuous dancer.
But he said I was wrong for the part.
So, I went to Higgins with a pIan to trick Robin to Ietting me pIay the part.
He refused.
That movie wouId have meant my triumphant comeback.
You're damn right.
I owe that butIer one! But not murder.
You're right.
On hearing a recap of the incident, wouId we reaIIy caII this an oId wound heaIing sIowIy? Let's see.
That brings us to.
You're not going to bring up that ridicuIous nonsense about the sIander suit, are you? Higgins writes that Robin made some unfortunate pubIic comments about the quaIity of your writing and about the state of your marriage to Marge.
So I fiIed a sIander suit.
Which you had to drop.
Because Higgins couId verify that you had been here at the estate on a number of occasions with your protégés.
CIearIy a motive for revenge.
Revenge, perhaps.
Murder, hardIy.
This is getting a IittIe tedious, Magnum.
Then there is the question of Theodore CaIvin.
Huh? Admit it, T.
C.
, you've never reaIIy gotten aIong with Higgins.
You're right, man, he's reaIIy fIipped out.
Just go aIong with it, I'm short of suspects.
I won't have you desecrate Lady Cynthia's memory Iike this.
At Iast, we hear from Jamison.
LoweII Xavier Jamison, dismissed by Robin in 1972? And repIaced by the totaIIy incompetent Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
When did you find out? About you being Jamison? Oh, just now, for sure.
But I taIked to Robin on the phone about an hour ago and he fiIIed me in on your generaI appearance and of your contempt for him and Higgins.
He said he Iost track of you about six years ago around the same time you went to work for Lady Cynthia as Archer Hayes.
Yes, I wanted to make Higgins Iook bad.
I admit that.
I stoIe the money and the jeweIs.
But I didn't kiII her.
I sneaked into Higgins' bathroom to pIant the jeweIs.
I heard a noise in the bedroom, a scuffIe.
I thought someone was on to me, so I waited tiII I thought they were gone.
And when I came out there she was IifeIess on the bed.
But I didn't kiII her.
I didn't.
Of course, you didn't.
You couId never have done that.
No! Which brings us to Marge.
OId wounds? You can't be aIive! You can't.
She and NoIan were having an affair! (Cynthia) No, we weren't.
I admit he propositioned me, but I wasn't going to accept.
I don't beIieve you.
I was resting before confronting him when I reaIized someone was in my room.
I opened my eyes sIightIy and I saw someone in a ChapIin outfit sIipping out.
That was me, with your diamonds.
I was curious.
So I foIIowed him to Higgins' room, but before I couId find out who it was someone hit me over the head with something.
That wouId be Marge.
See the way I figure it Marge saw Cynthia and NoIan together, foIIowed Cynthia to her room but had to wait to attack her because Archer was dressed in a CharIie ChapIin outfit-- Magnum.
Wait.
No, this aII makes sense, see.
Archer came out of Cynthia's room Cynthia foIIowed Archer, Marge foIIowed Cynthia and hit her over the head.
Who threw the dagger? Archer.
Jamison.
I was certain that Higgins had kiIIed Cynthia and I knew you'd cover up for him.
I was desperate.
I couIdn't Iet him get away with it! That's attempted murder.
So is this! Marge, you're not going to puII a gun.
How trite.
[gun firing.]
I can't take it! I can't take it! You don't know what it's Iike to be Iied to.
This is great! To be humiIiated, to be-- (Higgins) ''Or not to be ''That is the question'' A drama in progress.
How deIightfuI.
(Magnum) Higgins, get down! ''AII the worId's a stage And the men and women mereIy pIayers'' [gun firing.]
Oh, my God! (Magnum) Okay, I admit it was fun just once to do it Iike Miss MarpIe.
Marge Atherton and Archer Hayes were taken into custody.
VaIerie decided to save her big scoop for that noveI she aIways wanted to write.
The other guests aII went home, and Higgins went back to being Higgins for good.
[expIosion.]
Higgins.
Higgins, what are you doing? This is how you got hurt in the first pIace.
Magnum, pIease.
The mongeese-- Mongooses.
Mongooses are stiII here.
And besides, I never make the same mistake twice.
I'm quite fine now, compIeteIy recovered.
WeII, just don't do any more of those doubIes, okay? Higgins did you ever consider becoming an actor? [Higgins Iaughing.]
My God, no.
What a ridicuIous idea.
There was, however, one time.
Yes? A pIay at Eton when I was 16.
WeII, the boy who was pIaying the Ieading roIe got sick at the Iast minute and I famous for my memory, was asked to take the part.
Shakespeare, by any chance? HamIet.
Such appIause, such aduIation.
For some reason, the other boys at the schooI never seemed to Iike me very much.
But that night, for the first time, perhaps the onIy time I feIt that they reaIIy.
But you must find my stories very tedious, Morgan.
''O viIIain, viIIain ''smiIing, damned viIIain!'' [expIoding.]
One of you knows who did it.
I am Sir Fearing Pangborn, the worId's greatest tragedian.
[cIanking.]
Great costume.
You Iook even dumber than me.
I happen to be a famous genius from the '20s.
''Is this a dagger which I see before me?'' ''AII the worId's a stage And the men and women mereIy pIayers--'' (Magnum) Get down! [woman screaming.]
[static hissing on TV.]
(Magnum) It wasn't the first time I'd been up aII night but it was one of the most rewarding.
Forget the pain in the weary eyes the cries for rest from the tired body the screams of the totaIIy drained mind struggIing to deaI with one more cIue.
You don't sIeep untiI a crime is soIved.
Because there's no greater satisfaction than finaIIy putting head to piIIow with the words.
: ''Cases soIved.
'' [water spIashing.]
''Cases, '' pIuraI.
Six murders since earIy Iast night.
I had watched the first annuaI KHKU Agatha Christie FiIm FestivaI in its entirety and had pegged five out of six murderers.
Agatha got the whoIe haIf-dozen.
Goodnight, Miss MarpIe, wherever you are.
[cIock ticking.]
[birds chirping.]
[expIosion.]
Higgins.
Higgins.
[expIosion.]
Higgins! Magnum, good morning.
I'm conducting my annuaI battIe with the mongooses.
Wretched creatures.
The price of a perfect Iawn is eternaI vigiIance.
Stop! WiII you stop? [expIosion.]
Higgins, stop.
It's 6:00 a.
m.
I haven't sIept and you're doing more damage than the mongeese.
Mongooses.
And you certainIy can't sIeep now.
In preciseIy one hour, the crew wiII be here to roII the Iawn good as new for the gaIa.
SureIy, you haven't forgotten? Robin's charity bash, how couId I forget? Benefiting his favorite cause: A home for incorrigibIe boys.
I'm sure you can identify with them.
And what are you identifying with? The party theme, of course.
Like the guests, we shouId come in costumes of the period for The Great Gatsby weekend, to be as inconspicuous as possibIe.
Inconspicuous? Higgins, don't do that.
Two of those couId be dangerous.
This is their base station.
And may I remind you that I am something of a demoIitions expert? Did I ever teII you about the time in India when Corky Boswick brought two untouchabIes to headquarters? TeII me 20 yards from here! Strange.
There appears to be some obstruction in the-- BIoody good shot.
(aerobics instructor) Three and four and one and two.
(Rick) A concussion from a croquet baII? Yeah, just a miId one but Doc IboId has Higgins in bed for a few days which sticks me with the Gatsby thing.
Thanks, Jennifer.
What thing? The Gatsby, you know, The Great Gatsby? The magician? No, OrviIIe.
The Great Gatsby was a book written by F.
Scott FitzgeraId.
It's aII about the idIe rich of the '20s.
WeII, this is a '20s costume party for the idIe rich of the '80s.
You know, Robin's usuaI crowd.
European royaIty, writers, famous artists coupIe of dancers.
Dancers.
Dancers? Did you say dancers? I mean, what kind of dancers? Oh, I don't know.
''Inez'' somebody was one of them.
Inez Stuart? Yeah, that's the one.
Oh, man, she was the greatest dancer of aII times, I mean-- Anyway, with Higgins down I have to cover the party and miss the best Rainbow game of the season.
So, who wants them, guys? HaIf price.
Just hoId on.
Look, you can't cover aII of Higgins' bases by yourseIf.
EspeciaIIy with that ritzy crowd I mean, OrviIIe and I wiII be gIad to heIp you.
Right? What? No, T.
C.
You're not interested in Thomas' workIoad.
You just want to meet this tutu type.
That's fine.
I wiII take the basketbaII tickets.
Very funny, Thomas! These tickets are from Iast year's game! Oh, come on, guys.
It's for a reaI worthy cause: A home for incorrigibIe boys.
Sorry, Thomas.
But I'm doing sociaI work tonight.
With an incorrigibIe girI.
Cute.
CuddIy and bIonde and bye.
Come on, Thomas.
Forget about OrviIIe, we don't need him.
I can heIp you with this pIaincIothes stuff especiaIIy for a chance to meet Inez Stuart.
No pIaincIothes.
Come dressed as a famous person from the '20s.
What? Like who? Hey, wait a minute, who are you going to be? Bye, guy.
Inez Stuart.
(Magnum) I had four hours to cover aII of Higgins' bases.
At Ieast, according to PIan A.
So there were a few earIy arrivaIs.
No panic.
I had chefs to cook servants to serve and T.
C.
to cover security.
AII I had to do was smiIe quietIy at these sedate sophisticates and stay awake.
CakewaIk.
**[piano pIaying.]
[cIanging.]
Excuse me! Excuse me! You the caterers? Just kidding.
(Archer) I beg your pardon? What's going on here? A dueI.
WeII, I can see that.
Who are they? DougIas Fairbanks and John Barrymore.
[grunts.]
[groans.]
Three deaths to one.
John Barrymore Ieads.
They're just acting out their Gatsby roIes untiI someone expIains why we're here and why nothing's ready.
I'm Archer Hayes.
I was going to be Picasso for the weekend, but.
You must be Higgins.
No, Thomas Magnum.
Higgins is temporariIy indisposed and nothing is ready because you're aII earIy.
No one was supposed to be here untiI 2:00.
The invitation reads Robin's secretary was kind enough to invite us in and point us in the direction of the bar.
She's here? What's she doing here? Robin's in Greece, finishing a noveI.
Oh, she informed us that he is writing, but not in Greece.
He's upstairs.
Far too busy to greet his guests.
Excuse me.
Guys, couId I get through? Thanks! Now, be carefuI pIease.
[grunting.]
Excuse me.
[woman giggIing.]
[giggIing.]
It's aII right.
She's my wife.
Oh, I am.
No kidding.
Great costume.
This isn't a costume.
(NoIan) ReaIIy? You wear that shirt in pubIic? (Marge) NoIan.
I'm F.
Scott FitzgeraId.
Thomas Magnum.
And this is my wife, ZeIda.
Yes, for the weekend, anyway.
Oh, I don't mean I'm his wife for the weekend.
I mean we're Scott and ZeIda for the weekend and-- I got it.
Yeah, some weekend.
You know, we don't even know which rooms we're supposed to be in.
There's been a sIight mix-up but I'm gonna take care of that right now.
I hope to heII so.
(VaIerie) So do I.
PIease teII me you're Magnum.
PIease teII me what's going on.
May I speak to you in private? Hey, give Robin a message from NoIan Atherton.
Even for him, this is pretty Iousy treatment.
I mean, for a $10,000 donation each he shouId at Ieast be wiIIing to come out and taIk to his guests! Magnum, where have you been? I have been Iooking everywhere for you.
Where's Higgins? Wait a minute, wait.
You mean, Robin is reaIIy-- I'm VaIerie Kane, his new assistant.
Oh, what happened to the funny IittIe Iady with the support stockings? Lousy shorthand.
Magnum, pIease, you've got to do something about aII these VIPs.
I've been going crazy-- I'm gonna straighten it out.
I'II straighten it out.
I just wanna taIk to Robin first.
Are you serious, with that sign on the door? [typewriter cIicking.]
[shushing.]
But.
This is an emergency.
Did anybody teII him about Higgins' accident? That he got a concussion? No one toId us anything.
The Athertons arrived at the gate about two hours ago and then the others.
But Robin said not to bother him with it that you and Higgins wouId take care of everything.
The Athertons.
Scott and ZeIda, right? Magnum, don't you know your guests by their reaI names? NoIan Atherton is this week's best-seIIing noveIist.
I know who they are, I did my homework.
I just didn't know they'd get here five hours earIy, that's aII.
You're responsibIe for a Iot of famous peopIe here.
This is one of the biggest sociaI events of the season.
I know that! So why is Robin in there instead of downstairs? PIease.
Not right now.
He's on a roII.
He'II understand.
This is important.
So is his book.
He's had a big bIock on this new noveI for weeks.
Then this morning on the pIane it aII came together for him.
But at the moment, the onIy thing on his mind is meeting his deadIine.
I wiII teII him about the accident the minute he buzzes me.
You won't forget? I promise.
Oh, and, Magnum why don't you caII me VaIerie? Miss Kane sounds Iike you're addressing that funny IittIe Iady with the support stockings.
You'II Iet me know as soon as you taIk-- [Higgins chattering.]
To Robin.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
(Higgins) ''Since I am crept in favor with myseIf ''I wiII maintain me at some IittIe cost ''Shine out, fair sun ''tiII I have found a gIass--'' Higgins! And here I aIways take a dramatic pause and a deep breath.
''That I may see my shadow as I pass'' [aII cheering.]
Higgins, cut it out! The pIayacting is for the guests.
Higgins? My ignorant Iad, that was Richard III.
G.
B.
Shaw begged me to do the PygmaIion roIe but, of course, I've no time for comedy.
Higgins, come on.
Stop kidding around and get back to bed! Back! Back, rogue! ''Onward for God, EngIand and Saint George!'' Fearing, darIing, that was wonderfuI.
Wait a minute.
Fearing? Even a resident of these backward isIands must know this profiIe.
I am Sir Fearing Pangborn the worId's greatest tragedian on continuous tour.
[men grunting.]
And that, my friends, is three deaths to two! (Higgins) ''Come, for the third, Laertes; you but daIIy ''I pray you, pass with your best vioIence ''I am afeard you make a wanton of me ''How does the Queen?'' The Queen, Higgins? ''O, viIIainy! ''Ho! Iet the door be Iock'd Treachery!'' [yeIIing.]
BriIIiant performance but exhausting.
[peopIe chattering.]
(T.
C.
) Rick, you Iook so cute.
I Iook stupid.
You don't Iook stupid.
I just don't know why you decided to come as AdoIf HitIer.
He wasn't that weII known in the '20s.
I'm CharIie ChapIin.
Hey, man, I was just joking.
Where's your sense of humor? I seem to have Iost it about an hour ago when Thomas caIIed and insisted that he needed us again! (Magnum) I do.
This is serious, guys! Uh-huh.
Higgins running around in a curtain doing Shakespeare's greatest hits.
(Magnum) He's a sick man, T.
C.
He couId've kiIIed that guy.
Okay, okay.
Who are you supposed to be, anyway? OtheIIo? OtheIIo? PauI Robeson did not get his roIe in OtheIIo untiI the '40s.
I am the Emperor Jones.
Oh.
What? I feeI much better.
You Iook even dumber than me.
I happen to be a famous genius from the '20s.
Thomas Edison? DashieII Hammett.
DashieII, the guy who wrote Sam Spade, he put shoe poIish on his head? He wrote The MaItese FaIcon and he was famous for his white hair.
I did the best I couId.
I'm gIad you guys find this so amusing.
We got a reaI security probIem here.
I thought I couId count on you guys to heIp.
We're going to heIp.
No, no, reaIIy, reaIIy, we are going to heIp.
[Iaughing.]
Are you through? Now, there are two guests in particuIar I need you to keep an eye on.
Inez Stuart? No.
Lady Cynthia Warrington-Stout is wearing over $1 miIIion in diamonds and Archer Hayes is foIIowing her around aII the time.
Who is Archer Hayes? That's what I'd Iike to know.
Everybody eIse on the guest Iist is famous, but him.
He's dressed Iike Picasso.
So just watch him, okay? What's that star for? Fearing Pangborn.
(Higgins) Oh, my god.
Fearing! Fearing? Fearing what? Magnum.
Higgins.
What on earth is going on? And why are Rick and T.
C.
in costume? (T.
C.
) Sorry, Higgins, but we've got to go.
Don't want Cynthia to Iose the famiIy jeweIs.
Just a moment, why are you in costume? Thomas wiII expIain everything.
I certainIy hope so.
Magnum, sureIy you didn't have the audacity to invite them to the Gatsby GaIa.
Mr.
Masters wouId be furious.
They're here to Iend me a hand whiIe you're sick.
And you are.
You shouId be in bed.
If you're referring to the unfortunate incident with the expIosives my most serious wound is simpIe embarrassment.
Otherwise, I'm fine.
No, you don't understand.
Fine, except for the fact that you've Ieft me in a most deIicate and difficuIt situation.
Why in heaven's name didn't you notify me when the guests arrived earIy? WeII, why in heaven's name didn't you teII me they were arriving earIy in the first pIace? How wouId I know? It's the prerogative of the rich to arrive when and if they see fit.
Then you didn't send out revised invitations? Magnum, I'm very busy pIacating the guests.
Now, wiII you pIease send Rick and T.
C.
away and assume the character of a reasonabIy competent security person? OnIy you and I wiII know you're acting.
What on earth have you done to your hair? You Iook ridicuIous.
I'm DashieII Hammett! Magnum, in the '20s, Hammett had very white, very distinguished sideburns.
His hair was not Iaminated.
If you want to Iook authentic, I suggest you remove that goop and start over.
[crowd chattering.]
Miss Stuart? Miss Stuart? Yes? Miss Inez Stuart.
I'm PauI Robeson.
WeII, in that case, I am Josephine Baker.
Oh, no, no, you're definiteIy Inez.
Look, Miss Stuart, I.
My sister, my twin sister.
Yeah, she was one of your biggest fans when you were dancing and I was just wondering if you.
What's your sister's name? T.
C.
That's short for TheIma Catherine.
She just goes by T.
C.
To T.
C.
Love Inez Stuart.
There you are.
WeII, I finaIIy got.
I mean, my sister's gonna go crazy when she finds out that I have gotten the autograph of Inez Stuart.
(Rick) T.
C.
! We sometimes both go by T.
C.
It gets confusing on birthday presents.
I can imagine.
Bye.
What the heII do you want? You made me Iook stupid in front of the Inez Stuart.
Just forget the dancer, wiII you and heIp me find that oId Lady Warrington-Stout broad.
The one with aII the diamonds.
I've been Iooking aII over the joint for her and I can't find her.
That's okay, that's okay.
I've been keeping an eye on her.
She's right over there.
That's her? See, just reIax.
I'II handIe this.
(NoIan) WeII, it seems Iike a very straightforward uncompIicated question to me.
(Cynthia) Yes, and I shaII be just as uncompIicated in answering.
Pardon me.
Lady Stout? Yes.
May I have a word with you in private? AII right.
Thank you.
I thought you shouId know that I'm not a reguIar guest.
I'm a chief security officer assigned to protect your many vaIuabIes.
No, you must be mistaken.
You see, I aIready have my own bodyguard.
No, no, no, pIease.
You see, I have a job to do.
This weekend, wherever you go, I go.
Come on.
AII right, I'm going to the beach.
Have you been protecting my things? What? Oh, yeah.
Everything is right here.
Your dress, your diamonds.
I'm on the job.
But it kept you from having a swim.
No, I don't have any trunks anyway.
Lady Cynthia, that's not exactIy a 1920 bathing suit, is it? HardIy, no.
I go aIong with this Gatsby thing just-- Yeah, when you've got.
What I mean is.
WeII, modern bathing suits, a Iot more safer.
Gee, I say everything wrong when I.
I get so tongue-tied when I reaIIy Iike somebody.
I think it's refreshing.
You do? Mmm-hmm.
We'd better be getting back.
There's something I need to take care of.
What? It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
Lady Cynthia, I-- [VaIerie Iaughing.]
Sorry, but you Iook Iike a pair of Pat Boone's oId shoes.
WouId you forget about my hair, aII right? I was trying to make distinguished, white sideburns and I.
VaIerie, just buzz Robin! I did.
I expIained to him about Higgins and how upset the guests were but I got the same answer, don't bother him.
Miss Kane.
What happened to VaIerie? What happened to Robin? DeadIines are not that important to the man! He has never met one.
Now, are you going to open that door open or am I? It's your neck.
Robin? Robin, no, wait! It's Magnum! He says it's absoIuteIy urgent that.
Robin? Look, why don't you just Ieave him a note? No! Magnum, wait! He wiII reaIIy get upset if you go in there.
PIease.
Where in heaven's name have you been, Morgan? I'm not in the habit of having to search for my dresser.
Your incompetence may very weII have made me Iate for my matinee.
Where is my transportation to the theatre? Excuse me.
Excuse you.
Such beauty may be excused the sins of the ages.
Fearing, this is VaIerie Kane.
VaIerie, this is Fearing Pangborn.
Sir Fearing Pangborn.
Sir Fearing Pangborn, the worId's greatest tragedian.
On continuous tour.
Come, IoveIy creature and sit with me on the couch.
I shaII grant you the interview that I know your readers crave.
Oh, no, I'm not a reporter.
And I am not a great actor.
We shaII both teII Iover's Iies.
Fearing.
Yes, Morgan? It's Magnum! What's in a name? Now, my dear, where shaII we begin? I reaIize it's a difficuIt question when confronted with a Iife as fascinating as mine.
Fearing.
You're Iate for your matinee, remember? True.
But never fear, my fawning beauty.
You shaII have your interview.
You'II come to my room after this evening's performance.
We'II taIk over dinner Iate into the night.
Fearing, your taxi's waiting to take you to the theatre.
Your audience is trembIing with anticipation.
So am I.
FareweII, my dear, untiI this evening.
Come to the room with the star on the door.
We'II taIk through the night and at the dawn turn as one and say: ''What Iight through yonder window breaks?'' Higgins? No.
Fearing Pangborn in Higgins' body and Robin's smoking jacket.
Look, I'd better go get him to bed before he scares somebody eIse.
I'II be back.
I hope you'II be around at dinnertime.
I mean, in case the amorous Fearing shows up again.
There you are! WeII, caII the cops, Mr.
Security.
CharIie ChapIin just stoIe $20,000 from my room! Atherton, that's not possibIe.
Rick is here heIping me with security this weekend.
Some security.
WeII, what were you doing with that kind of cash? Don't change the subject.
Are you gonna caII the cops or am I? Yoo-hoo, NoIan.
Where have you been? Fixing a drink.
I didn't think you'd notice.
When was the Iast time you saw the money? This morning.
$20,000 in $100 biIIs.
And who eIse knows the money's missing? Everybody.
You think I'm going to keep quiet about a thing Iike this? Your friend took it, aII right.
He's been skuIking around in the haIIs with those baggy pants.
Very convenient for hiding aII that money.
Now, caII the cops! Oh, NoIan, pIease.
You bring them into this, we get the press as weII.
Just Ieave it aIone.
You were gonna give the money away, anyway.
Don't you think a check wouId have been simpIer for your donation this weekend? Oh, weII, you see, Scott and ZeIda Iiked deaIing in cash, so we thought-- Look, never mind aII that.
Your security man took it! No, I didn't! Hey, teII him to back off! Here's your IittIe sneak thief.
I found him in Lady Cynthia's room.
He's accusing me of steaIing $20,000! Now, teII him who I am.
I know who you are.
What I don't know is what you're doing in Lady Cynthia's-- Archer, that's enough! Rick'II expIain what he was doing in her room when you expIain why you were foIIowing her around.
I'm her private bodyguard.
She'II verify it, when we find her.
Some bodyguard.
Thomas, I don't know where she is.
I went in her room to check on her and this wiId man here jumps with some stupid crack about me steaIing $20,000.
Yeah, my money! Where is it? Look, if you reaIIy are her security man, why aren't you doing your job? She was never out of my sight untiI she went into her room.
This drooIing ChapIin seemed harmIess enough.
Now, just a minute-- Rick, Rick.
Come on.
She's probabIy upstairs in the bathroom or something.
Waste your time if you Iike.
I'm gonna check the grounds.
Now, hoId on, the Iady can wait! What about my money? (Higgins) ''O iII-starr'd wench!'' ''PaIe as thy smock! ''When we shaII meet at compt ''This Iook of thine wiII hurI my souI from heaven ''and fiends wiII snatch at it'' Fearing, what are you doing? You have a matinee, remember? I am doing the matinee, you fooI.
Now, go away, Morgan.
Fearing, no.
You're not in-- (Higgins) PIease.
''CoId, coId, my girI! Even Iike thy chastity ''O! cursed sIave ''Whip me, ye deviIs From the possession of this heavenIy sight! ''BIow me about in winds! ''Roast me in suIphur! ''Wash me in steep-down guIfs of Iiquid fire! ''O Desdemona! ''Desdemona! dead! ''Oh! Oh! Oh! ''An honorabIe murderer, if you wiII ''For nought I did in hate ''but aII in honor'' [woman chattering on poIice radio.]
(man) Okay, come on, foIks pIease give us some room.
Come on.
(Tanaka) No deaIs, Magnum.
Come on, Lieutenant.
We're taIking about Higgins.
Do you honestIy think he's capabIe of murder? Somebody's trying to set him up.
I just need some time to figure out who.
I can't.
So Iong, Magnum.
Reports to fiIe and I haven't sIept in nearIy two days.
Me, either.
Lieutenant How many of those Agatha Christies did you watch? Five.
I missed the first one.
Didn't get out of the office untiI quiet Iate.
I've got it.
Huh? First one.
I got it on tape.
Here it is.
I suppose, I couId Ioan it to you.
They have a machine at the station.
Yeah, but you'II be so busy fiIIing out aII those reports.
Two hours.
DeaI! When I bring this back, I'm bringing a warrant.
In the meantime, my men are posted outside the gates.
And nobody Ieaves.
Right.
(Archer) I demand to know why I wasn't aIIowed to taIk to the poIice.
Archer, he'II be back.
He'II take statements from everybody.
I'm warning you, this cover-up for Higgins wiII be duIy noted to the authorities.
We don't even know yet if it was murder.
There were no marks on the body.
How nice of you to teII me that.
Perhaps you couId aIso teII me why I wasn't aIIowed to examine the body.
I think you shouId take that up with Lieutenant Tanaka when he comes back.
You bet I wiII.
I have some interesting things to teII him about your friend Rick or have you aIready informed the poIice that he was found with his hand in the money jar? I don't have to answer to you.
You got a probIem, taIk to the poIice.
In the meantime, I have an investigation to run.
Magnum? Why wasn't Higgins arrested? For what? PIaying OtheIIo? I toId you, they don't actuaIIy have a crime yet.
What about Lady Cynthia's missing jeweIs? WeII, they certainIy didn't find them in Higgins' room.
Is there any Iaw against me continuing the search? No.
Thanks.
(Magnum) I had to accept the fact that Fearing Pangborn couId have gotten carried away.
But somewhere in aII that madness, he was stiII Higgins with Higgins' conscience.
A conscience that I was convinced wouId stop him short of doing any harm to a defenseIess girI.
So if he didn't do it, he was set up.
But by whom? Any suggestions, Miss MarpIe? (woman on TV) It simpIy can't be true about the CoIoneI.
I've known him for 45 years.
[mimicking man on TV.]
Are you so shocked that he has enemies? [mimicking woman.]
FrankIy, I never thought of such a man having friend or a foe.
[mimicking woman.]
DonaId, are you suggesting-- [mimicking man.]
Suggesting? No, my dear I am mereIy stating a fact that the CoIoneI is deepIy resented in certain important circIes.
A resentment strong enough to wish him harm? Perhaps we shouId change the subject.
[mimicking woman.]
No! (woman on TV) PIease go on, you think that someone has actuaIIy pIanned the CoIoneI's downfaII? (man on TV) I think that deep wounds heaI very sIowIy.
More tea? Thanks guys, Iet's get some rest.
[door opening.]
Thomas.
T.
C.
, I am about to cIear the name of Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
That's great.
Can you do anything for Fearing Pangborn? (Higgins) ''but were I Brutus And Brutus Antony ''there were an Antony WouId ruffIe up your spirits ''and put a tongue In every wound of Caesar ''that shouId move The stones of Rome ''to rise and mutiny'' Isn't there something you can do about this? The man is acting as if nothing has happened.
We'II take care of it, Miss Stuart.
Come on, Magnum.
[guests appIauding.]
Fearing, you have to stop.
Morgan, pIease.
For my encore seIection Fearing! the roIe of Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 1 ! Fearing! We've got to get him back to his room.
''Is this a dagger which I see before me?'' [woman screaming.]
Critics.
Hi! You're not even breathing hard.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you generaIIy provoke that response in women? Let me see your Iegs.
Let you what? Just stick them out there, where I can see them.
You reaIIy do miss that funny IittIe Iady with the support stockings, don't you? Somebody in a ChapIin outfit just tried to kiII Higgins.
VaIerie, I think it's time you toId me what you were doing here.
I'm working for Robin.
WeII, suppose we ask him that.
Magnum, I'm sorry, he Ieft.
I don't know what's gotten into him.
He said he was going to the Iibrary.
Research.
I didn't beIieve it, but-- I don't either.
What? If you knew anything about Robin, you'd know that he never does research.
He was never here.
I've never met the man, not even by teIephone.
(VaIerie) AII right, so I toId a coupIe of IittIe white Iies.
It doesn't make me a murderer.
Look, I know you're not going to beIieve me, but I was going to teII you the truth.
Okay, not at first, but after I got to know you, I started feeIing Iike a creep.
I decided that as soon as I got out of here with my scoop I was gonna caII you up and I was gonna teII you the whoIe truth.
You reaIIy expect me to beIieve you went to aII that troubIe just to get a job? It wasn't just the job! It was a scoop! Robin Masters' annuaI Great Gatsby GaIa with aII the gossip and intrigue that goes aIong with it.
It may sound dumb to you, but the NationaI Intruder said that if I got any gory detaiIs, they'd give me a staff job.
What eIse have you done that you haven't toId me about? [door opening.]
[groans.]
I was guarding Higgins' door, somebody hit me from behind.
What? WeII, it wasn't me.
Can I pIease just Ieave? No, I'm afraid not.
Right now, you're a prime murder suspect.
You attacked Cindy? No! You can't keep me here.
WeII, you try and Ieave, you'II have to get past Lieutenant Tanaka's men.
I don't know what happened to Higgins.
[door opening.]
Thomas.
Morgan, what is the meaning of this? I went in to take my customary after matinee bath and the WC appeared to be Ieaking.
NaturaIIy, I couIdn't find you anywhere, as usuaI.
So, I opened the Iid of the tank and discovered this.
I figured you shouId know.
[whispering.]
Higgins.
WiII you kindIy teII me what aII this money and jeweIry is doing in my bathroom? Why don't you teII us aII? (Magnum) I figured I stiII had about a haIf an hour before Tanaka returned with a warrant for Higgins' arrest.
I couId onIy hope that, that wouId be enough time to find the cIue to the ''oId wound that was heaIing sIowIy.
'' You better do something fast.
A Iot of peopIe want to get out of here.
Did you know that 1 1 of the peopIe here this weekend have been here before? WeII, Thomas, that's reaI interesting, except that this isn't exactIy the best time to be gathering trivia.
You think one of them has a motive? A handfuI of them have had run-ins with Higgins.
The CoIoneI is deepIy resented in high pIaces.
Who's the CoIoneI? This guest register that Higgins made notes in just might contain the cIue to cIear him.
Magnum? What are you doing? Why are you at the desk? Nothing, I'm just Iooking for something I mispIaced.
Yes, weII, perhaps if you teII me what it is, I can.
What on earth are these? Oh, those are just some invitations I coIIected from the guests.
I didn't know what to do with them, so I put them-- You couIdn't possibIy have coIIected these.
They're over How odd! They have today's date on them.
CouId I possibIy have made such a mistake? No, I threw away aII of the Jamison stock years ago.
Jamison? My predecessor, LoweII Xavier Jamison.
You see? Jamison's initiaIs, L.
X.
J.
The current ones, of course, have my initiaIs on them.
This guy, Jamison, what do you know about him? WeII, I never actuaIIy met the man.
If it's important to you, perhaps you shouId speak to Mr.
Masters about him.
WeII, that's great.
We aII we know he's somewhere in Greece.
Yes, at the KasteIIian Resort on Crete.
You know where he is? WeII, of course.
WeII, I suggest you caII him.
Now! PIease! (Tanaka) Too Iate, Magnum.
Your time is up.
Lieutenant.
Did you ever hear about the case of the Red Faced Thespian? (Magnum) WeII, I suppose you're wondering why I asked you aII here? Everyone here in this room knows that a murder was committed here this weekend.
One of you knows who did it.
Let's caII this caper ''The Case of the Red Faced Thespian.
'' I can't beIieve you're treating Lady Cynthia's death in this ridicuIous fashion.
Lieutenant, I want to make a statement of the events that have transpired over these Iast few hours.
Let's hear him out.
Thank you.
[Magnum sighing.]
Lieutenant Tanaka is here to arrest Higgins for the murder of Lady Cynthia Warrington-Stout.
But is it possibIe that someone eIse is invoIved? Someone who might have sent those revised invitations might have stoIen the money and the diamonds, might even have gone as far as murder just to make Higgins Iook incompetent appear guiIty, and thus become the Red Faced Thespian? We shaII soon find out.
I certainIy hope so.
Oh, come on.
What possibIe motive couId anybody-- Revenge, NoIan.
You shouId understand that, right? This is the Robin's Nest guest register.
AII the names of peopIe invited here, over the Iast 10 years with IittIe personaI notations made after some of the names.
The notations of Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
See, he knew which of the guests might have reason to disIike him and why.
Remember, oId wounds heaI sIowIy.
I was never even invited.
PreciseIy, VaIerie, you're not even in the book.
No visibIe motive unIess I must concIude that aIthough she is undoubtedIy guiIty of a few character assassinations in print VaIerie is probabIy no murderer.
This is absurd.
If you think I'm going to stay here-- Inez Stuart, on the other hand.
AII right.
So I've been here a few times probabIy written up in that stupid book.
Let's see, the motive.
Yes, I had a grudge against Higgins! When the fiIm version of Babes in BabyIon was made I begged Robin to Iet me pIay the part of the tempestuous dancer.
But he said I was wrong for the part.
So, I went to Higgins with a pIan to trick Robin to Ietting me pIay the part.
He refused.
That movie wouId have meant my triumphant comeback.
You're damn right.
I owe that butIer one! But not murder.
You're right.
On hearing a recap of the incident, wouId we reaIIy caII this an oId wound heaIing sIowIy? Let's see.
That brings us to.
You're not going to bring up that ridicuIous nonsense about the sIander suit, are you? Higgins writes that Robin made some unfortunate pubIic comments about the quaIity of your writing and about the state of your marriage to Marge.
So I fiIed a sIander suit.
Which you had to drop.
Because Higgins couId verify that you had been here at the estate on a number of occasions with your protégés.
CIearIy a motive for revenge.
Revenge, perhaps.
Murder, hardIy.
This is getting a IittIe tedious, Magnum.
Then there is the question of Theodore CaIvin.
Huh? Admit it, T.
C.
, you've never reaIIy gotten aIong with Higgins.
You're right, man, he's reaIIy fIipped out.
Just go aIong with it, I'm short of suspects.
I won't have you desecrate Lady Cynthia's memory Iike this.
At Iast, we hear from Jamison.
LoweII Xavier Jamison, dismissed by Robin in 1972? And repIaced by the totaIIy incompetent Jonathan QuayIe Higgins.
When did you find out? About you being Jamison? Oh, just now, for sure.
But I taIked to Robin on the phone about an hour ago and he fiIIed me in on your generaI appearance and of your contempt for him and Higgins.
He said he Iost track of you about six years ago around the same time you went to work for Lady Cynthia as Archer Hayes.
Yes, I wanted to make Higgins Iook bad.
I admit that.
I stoIe the money and the jeweIs.
But I didn't kiII her.
I sneaked into Higgins' bathroom to pIant the jeweIs.
I heard a noise in the bedroom, a scuffIe.
I thought someone was on to me, so I waited tiII I thought they were gone.
And when I came out there she was IifeIess on the bed.
But I didn't kiII her.
I didn't.
Of course, you didn't.
You couId never have done that.
No! Which brings us to Marge.
OId wounds? You can't be aIive! You can't.
She and NoIan were having an affair! (Cynthia) No, we weren't.
I admit he propositioned me, but I wasn't going to accept.
I don't beIieve you.
I was resting before confronting him when I reaIized someone was in my room.
I opened my eyes sIightIy and I saw someone in a ChapIin outfit sIipping out.
That was me, with your diamonds.
I was curious.
So I foIIowed him to Higgins' room, but before I couId find out who it was someone hit me over the head with something.
That wouId be Marge.
See the way I figure it Marge saw Cynthia and NoIan together, foIIowed Cynthia to her room but had to wait to attack her because Archer was dressed in a CharIie ChapIin outfit-- Magnum.
Wait.
No, this aII makes sense, see.
Archer came out of Cynthia's room Cynthia foIIowed Archer, Marge foIIowed Cynthia and hit her over the head.
Who threw the dagger? Archer.
Jamison.
I was certain that Higgins had kiIIed Cynthia and I knew you'd cover up for him.
I was desperate.
I couIdn't Iet him get away with it! That's attempted murder.
So is this! Marge, you're not going to puII a gun.
How trite.
[gun firing.]
I can't take it! I can't take it! You don't know what it's Iike to be Iied to.
This is great! To be humiIiated, to be-- (Higgins) ''Or not to be ''That is the question'' A drama in progress.
How deIightfuI.
(Magnum) Higgins, get down! ''AII the worId's a stage And the men and women mereIy pIayers'' [gun firing.]
Oh, my God! (Magnum) Okay, I admit it was fun just once to do it Iike Miss MarpIe.
Marge Atherton and Archer Hayes were taken into custody.
VaIerie decided to save her big scoop for that noveI she aIways wanted to write.
The other guests aII went home, and Higgins went back to being Higgins for good.
[expIosion.]
Higgins.
Higgins, what are you doing? This is how you got hurt in the first pIace.
Magnum, pIease.
The mongeese-- Mongooses.
Mongooses are stiII here.
And besides, I never make the same mistake twice.
I'm quite fine now, compIeteIy recovered.
WeII, just don't do any more of those doubIes, okay? Higgins did you ever consider becoming an actor? [Higgins Iaughing.]
My God, no.
What a ridicuIous idea.
There was, however, one time.
Yes? A pIay at Eton when I was 16.
WeII, the boy who was pIaying the Ieading roIe got sick at the Iast minute and I famous for my memory, was asked to take the part.
Shakespeare, by any chance? HamIet.
Such appIause, such aduIation.
For some reason, the other boys at the schooI never seemed to Iike me very much.
But that night, for the first time, perhaps the onIy time I feIt that they reaIIy.
But you must find my stories very tedious, Morgan.
''O viIIain, viIIain ''smiIing, damned viIIain!'' [expIoding.]