Magnum, P.I. (1980) s06e05 Episode Script
The Hotel Dick
You were hired to put a stop to the rash of burglaries that have been plaguing this hotel.
Save your lectures for later.
There's two guys trying to kill me.
What? What's a sweet girl like me doing in this line of work? I promise you one thing, she will not be back at this hotel! Whatever you heard in that penthouse is incriminating enough to Huxley to get you killed.
So where do we go from here? Aloha.
Oh, Russell, this is beautiful.
What a hotel! What a room! This isn't just a room, honey, it's the honeymoon suite.
I've never seen anything like this.
I mean, I've never been anywhere like this.
I mean I've never done anything like this.
Sure beats Davenport.
Yeah.
There's only one place to spend a honeymoon, Mary.
Paradise.
And there's only one person to spend it with.
You, Russell.
Ah, here's my surprise.
Oh, a bathtub with bubbles! Isn't it great? Here, put your foot in it.
Careful it's It's hot.
Careful.
Oh, wow! Isn't it wonderful? Oh, feel those bubbles! Oh, boy! Wonderful.
What's that? Russell! Honey, what is it? Call the house detective! You should be summarily fired for this.
But I'm not going to do that.
Because I'm going to give you one more chance, Magnum.
Thanks, Clyde.
It's Mr.
Daltrey, and it's precisely that attitude that is jeopardizing your position here at the Hawaiian Gardens Hotel as house detective.
Look, Mr.
Daltrey, if you don't think I'm qualified for the job What I think is irrelevant.
You've come very highly recommended by Robin Masters and Lieutenant Tanaka of the police department.
Now I realize that you've only been on the job for two weeks Ten days.
One pay period.
But be that as it may, you were hired to put a stop to the rash of burglaries that have been plaguing this hotel.
Now, I realize, of course, that this is not a permanent position.
But it could be.
Perhaps you don't care about that though, do you? Look, I was hired to do a job.
I will do it.
Fine.
As of yet, however, you've shown very little aptitude for it.
For, in addition to failing to capture the so-called Catman of Kauai, your daily reports are egregiously written, not to mention virtually indecipherable and certainly revealing about your lack of professionalism.
I quote, "Tailed suspected hooker up to the Prince Kuhio Suite.
"Continued surveillance for two hours, "then interrogated her afterwards in the Aloha Lounge.
" No doubt over a couple of mai tais.
I thought I'd put her at ease.
Oh, you're very considerate, Magnum.
You're supposed to arrest them, not wine-and-dine them.
No, there's a very sad story there.
Her father I'm not interested in her father.
Why didn't you arrest her? Because I thought I'd talk to her instead.
Look, I promise you one thing, she will not be back at this hotel! And maybe you won't be either, if you don't catch this Catman idiot.
Preferably before this Monday, when the international convention of jewelry designers comes in.
You must stop him by then.
Or I suspect that we will no longer be needing your services.
Are we clear? Real clear.
Very good.
You're dismissed.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way, I want a full report on today's incident on my desk by 4:00.
Right.
And don't forget to include your reasons for terminating hot pursuit.
Because you don't let me carry a gun.
Hotel rules.
Look, I wasn't sure I could make the jump.
He did.
So far, my new employment as house detective at the Hawaiian Gardens was not a rousing success.
At least not with Clyde Daltrey.
But maybe Clyde, in his own way, did have a point.
There was a time, and not too long ago, that I would have, without any hesitation, jumped across those buildings.
And if I didn't make it all the way to the other side, well, it would've been a little too late to start worrying about it.
Just like the Catman didn't.
Nevertheless, my decision not to jump was the rational one.
And I guess as you get older rational decisions become more and more a part of your life.
Impulsiveness is replaced by caution, sheer physical infallibility is etched away by time, and then you know that maybe it's time to get a real job.
And the fact that I was deeply in debt to both Rick and T.
C.
, I'm sure, had nothing to do with it.
Honest.
Come in.
It's open.
Higgins.
Magnum.
You're wearing glasses? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Bad light.
Oh.
Well, perhaps this will help.
Perhaps not.
Well, here you are, gainfully employed.
Frankly, a circumstance I could only previously dream about.
Now I marvel.
Higgins, if you're here on a sight-seeing tour, I am busy.
Or do you miss me already? Hardly.
As a matter of fact, the aura of pastoral serenity that has permeated the estate since your departure is positively delightful.
Birds sing, lads frolic.
"Lads frolic"? What are you here for, Higgins? Nothing, aside from the fact that I was driving into town on my way to a meeting of the Anglo-Hawaiian Cultural Academy and I thought I'd stop by about your mail.
Oh, fine, thank you.
Well, I didn't bring it, actually.
But it is accumulating.
Mostly publishers' sweepstakes and, of course, your usual collection of unpaid bills.
Well, send them to me.
I'll pay them.
But don't open my sweepstakes.
I may have already won.
Perhaps you can pick them up when you come out Sunday to check the security system.
Fine.
Say hi to the frolicking lads for me.
Why? What? Why what? What? I'm merely curious as to why you have uprooted your life and avocation of the last six years, and really, your single-minded attempt at a hedonistic lifestyle, for this rather pedestrian endeavor? Surely even you can see by now that being a hotel investigator Detective.
Detective, is no more than a monotonous routine of schedules and detail.
Serving another master.
Really, it's rather like Like your job? Well, maybe it's time I had one, too.
They're just for reading.
Thanks for coming by.
Quite.
I'll see you on Sunday.
Good day, Magnum.
By the by, it eventually happens to even the best of us.
What, Higgins? It's me, Leslie! Come on! I thought I told you never to come Save your lectures for later.
There's two guys trying to kill me.
What? Where are they? They're coming down the stairwell.
Well, stay in here, lock the door.
Hey, what's the rush? Now, let's see some ID.
You see her? No.
But she got off at this floor, though.
Yeah.
Well, maybe we'd better check that other stairwell.
What about him? Let him sleep.
That couldn't hurt that much.
It didn't.
I moved my ribs.
Oh.
I'm really sorry about this.
So am I.
How could I let that guy sneak up from behind me? Well, maybe you should have had a gun.
I'm not supposed to have a gun.
Besides, if I'd had a gun on the first guy, I wouldn't be complaining about a butt on the head from the second one.
Yeah.
He would have blown your brains out.
You know, that's called escalation.
I remember that from junior college.
It was psych, I think.
Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Why didn't you remember you were supposed to stay out of the hotel? Oh, I remembered.
Now what the hell were you doing here, Leslie? Look, you're a rent-a-cop.
Your job is to roust me.
My job is to ignore you.
I was working.
Yeah.
What about that story about My sister's back operation? No.
About your dad's kidney machine.
Oh, yeah.
I get them mixed up sometimes.
You know, it's not easy keeping everything straight.
In my line, you talk to a lot of people.
Yeah.
But not all of them want to kill you.
Now, what happened? What happened, Leslie? I guess I got some people mad at me.
You've got a lot of people mad at you.
And you've got three of them mad at me.
Now, I want an explanation.
Okay, okay.
You pegged it.
I had an opportunity for a major deal.
You know, in the penthouse suite.
Look, I really wasn't going to come back here, but a client in the penthouse suite is sort of irresistible, you know what I mean? Well, it seems real resistible to me.
Why did this guy want to kill you? Oh, that wasn't him.
Those were his friends.
Why did they want to kill you? Oh, you're not going to turn me in, are you? I'm thinking about it.
I'm also thinking about letting you just walk right out of here.
But I guess being turned in would probably be more preferable to you, right? You know, you've got a real cop mentality.
You ought to work on that hostility.
Yeah? What happened? Okay, fine.
You want it, you got it.
I tried to pick the guy's pocket.
That wasn't real bright.
In his closet.
I was on my way out of the suite and there was this open closet in the entry hall with all these coats hanging up and so I just thought I'd kind of Rip off his wallet to pay for your grandmother's wheelchair.
Something like that.
Anyway, while I was doing that I could hear him talking on the phone.
Business, you know.
Except he was talking in some sort of code.
I've been around and I know he was setting up some sort of job.
And? And that's when those two jerks walked in.
How'd you get away? It's a lethal sucker, isn't it? Hmm, so was the gun they hit me over the head with.
Now, who's this client of yours? It's Willard Huxley.
Willard X.
Huxley? Well, I didn't know it at the time.
All I knew was it was the penthouse suite.
Willard X.
Huxley is a real well-known criminal.
And he knows I heard him setting up a job.
So, Thomas, if you turn me in, I'm going to go to jail.
And if you let me go, I'm sure as hell dead.
You got any ideas? My first idea was to check out Willard X.
Huxley.
Thanks, Stacy.
But not surprisingly, the party occupying the penthouse suite had unexpectedly checked out a half-hour ago.
Which left me to my second idea.
And probably the best one.
That is, part with some of my hard-earned paycheck and get Leslie out of my room, out of this hotel, out of town and, hopefully, out of my life.
Strictly a humanitarian gesture.
Magnum.
Besides, this job was tough enough without dealing with troublesome irrelevancies.
Where have you been? What's the matter with you? Nothing.
I slipped in the shower.
Your shower heads aren't high enough, Clyde.
What is it? My, my, aren't we short? Job getting to you? No.
Don't say it.
We don't want to create any further grounds for taking disciplinary action, do we? Of course not.
Don't even think about taking legal action over your shower incident.
Those heads are to code.
Perhaps yours isn't.
Clyde, you know, you remind me of this guy that Spare me the personal anecdotes.
I have business to discuss.
Discuss.
Specifically, the bottom line of the emergency board of directors meeting I just attended.
Which is Which is? Which is that the self-styled Catman of Kauai must be apprehended before the international convention of jewelry designers convenes.
I know that.
I mean, I'm doing everything I can.
I've increased uniformed security, patrols, warnings to guests.
Besides, who's to say I didn't scare him off? He does.
This note from him is what prompted the meeting.
The cocky, little sneak thief has thrown down the gauntlet.
He thinks this is a game.
I want him.
So do I.
Oh, well, finally, we agree on something.
I want you to do whatever is necessary to catch him.
I leave it to you, Magnum.
It's time you proved yourself.
Ooh.
Oops.
I'm sorry, but, you said not to go out, and I wanted to cook you dinner.
Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes and a brownie.
It would have helped if you had taken them out of the cartons.
Oh.
Well, I don't cook much.
Hey, how about room service? Oh, great.
Why don't we take an ad out in the hotel newspaper that you're staying here? Well, I don't have to.
I know that.
But you're going to until I can get you out of town safely.
Oh, yeah.
Well, who says I want to get out of town? Well, for starters, Huxley and the guys who were trying to kill you.
After that, the line forms right behind me.
Hey, look, you don't have to do me any favors.
I've been in worse scrapes.
So have I.
I'm leaving.
No, you're not.
Rick, what are you doing tonight? Huh? Oh, hey, that's great.
Do you have any friends? No, not you.
What are you talking about? You know, friends.
Everywhere I go! What? You wanna double? No! No, Rick, no.
Just a second.
Look, I have a plan to get us out of our respective messes.
Will you help me? I don't know.
I'll get dinner.
I'll get dinner.
Yeah, that's right.
And I'm buying.
Look, I'm trying to save your life and my job.
Will you help? Okay, why not? Thank you.
And thank you.
You know, I get the feeling that you're much too good for this kind of work.
Oh, well, thanks.
Maybe that Don't finish that or I'll lose all respect for you.
Mr.
and Mrs.
John Smith from Modesto, California.
I believe we have reservations.
The honeymoon suite.
Yes.
Will you be paying by check or by credit card? It'll be cash, baby.
All cash.
Yes, I know what you're thinking.
This was a crude and obvious ploy to capture the Catman.
Well, I didn't think the Catman's taunting note was the height of subtlety either.
And, I guess, neither is that old adage about killing two birds with one stone.
But the reason clichés are clichés is because ultimately they're either true or they work.
That's why you never hear sayings you've never heard before.
Those are the ones that didn't work.
Which is all to say why I was hoping this one would.
I catch the Catman and get Leslie out of town in one fell swoop.
And if it didn't work, I suppose there's always more clichés to fall back to.
There always are.
Save the heart of gold stuff for some other sucker.
The only reason I'm doing this is for Leslie.
And 100 big ones.
You know, between this and the bread that I have to lay out for Leslie, to get her out of town for you tomorrow, it's gotta be costing you a lot of money on this job, Thomas.
So maybe you should just consider No, I'm gonna see this through.
My tab runs all the way back to spring training.
My tab started at 6:00.
Look, forget it, Thomas.
Just forget the whole thing.
It's history.
No, it's not history.
It's a debt.
I like the way he thinks.
Well, I'm right, aren't I? Who am I to argue? But that's not the point.
Look, you don't have to do it this way, Thomas.
Getting a regular job, moving off of Robin Masters' estate, it's a little extreme.
No, it's not extreme.
It's boring.
Well, yeah, it may Well, yeah Yes, it may be boring, but it's It's not the Thomas Sullivan Magnum that I know.
Hey, guy, people change.
Before this, I was a dancer.
Oh, that's terrific.
Okay, okay.
What do you want me to do? Well, I want you to take Cleo out to dinner while I wait this guy out.
Well, what if it takes this guy a long time to show up? Well, then I want you to take her dancing.
You like dancing? Mmm-hmm.
Just be obvious.
Well, I don't think that's going to be very hard.
Okay, Cleo, let's step out.
Thank you.
Ah, by the way, I brought along a deck of playing cards from the guest house.
You can play a little solitaire while you wait for the Catman.
Thanks.
Obviously, I've connected with two wild and crazy guys.
Don't cheat, big guy.
Rick was right on one account.
This job was costing me money.
But somehow, that wasn't the issue anymore.
To spout more clichés, it had come down to my own sense of pride and professionalism.
Catch the crook and save the damsel.
Even if I had to break hotel rules.
What? Thomas, it's me.
Oh, great.
You just blew it.
Just shut up and listen.
They got Leslie.
Now, what do you want me to do? Nothing.
They've got guns.
Where are they? At the restaurant.
They're heading for the kitchen.
You stay where you are.
I'm on my way.
The bad thing about using clichés in one's work is that they don't always allow for variables.
Like being lied to by someone you're trying to help while you're doing your damndest just to do your own job in order to help yourself.
So much for the two-bird-one-stone theory.
Now it looked like neither.
Except the part about losing my job became a little more insignificant when stacked up against the possibility of Leslie losing her life.
Because that was a pleasure I was beginning to want to reserve for myself.
Go! I guess it's time to think about getting out of town.
It's time to think about getting out of my life! Fine.
Except you can't do it till morning.
That's when Rick made the arrangements.
Oh, well, tell him not to bother.
And the same goes for you.
Not to bother? Not to bother! Oh, so now you're telling me not to bother? What about saving your life? Twice! I bothered then.
What do you want? Return in trade? No! Come on.
My life's worth $100.
At least I think it is.
Oh! Why'd you leave the room? You know people are after you.
You know I told You know I told you to stay put.
Why'd you leave? I don't know.
Come on, Leslie, why'd you leave? I was hustling the bar.
What? Why? It's what I do.
Oh, fine, fine.
It's what you do.
You know something? That's self-destructive.
It No, no, oh, no, no.
I'm not even going to get into that.
Oh, yeah? Well, just what are you getting into? All I'm saying is whatever you heard in that penthouse is incriminating enough to Huxley to get you killed.
And you being this blasé about it is probably going to get me fired.
So where do we go from here, Mr.
House Detective? Magnum.
Open up.
In the closet.
I'm coming.
I know you're in there.
I'm coming.
Come on in, Clyde.
Who's in here? Me and you.
I heard talking.
I know I did.
Going somewhere? No, no.
I'm staying right here.
I know I heard talking.
Oh, sure, you did.
I had the TV on.
You know, one of those silly family sitcoms with these cute little kids and the father.
And see, he's a doc It's solid-state.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it.
Because as of this moment, you're fired.
What? No protests? No recriminations? No pleas to do a better job? It's your hotel, Clyde.
You're damn right, it is.
And I intend to keep it that way.
And I want the burglars and hookers and riffraff out.
And you can include yourself in that latter category.
Fine.
What about the Catman? What about the jewelry design convention tomorrow? Don't beg.
It's unseemly.
I'm not begging.
Of course not.
As far as the so-called Catman goes, hopefully, your amateurish ruse has worked and he'll skip the convention.
And in the matter of the convention, I have decided to personally take over the supervision of security myself.
I don't think I could do any worse.
I'm sure you'll do fine, Clyde.
I'm sure any thief who saw you in the showroom would be just quaking in his black sneakers.
Let me do the sarcasm here, Magnum.
All right? As a matter of fact, you've become totally irrelevant, as I have, at great expense to the hotel, increased uniformed personnel for the convention tenfold.
I'm sure we'll do just fine without you.
Oh.
And, yes, we'll deduct the damages to the kitchen and to the guest's car from your severance pay.
And when it's all computed, you probably won't owe us too much money.
Good night.
Oh, remember, checkout is 12 noon.
God Kind of a jerk, isn't he? Look at it this way.
You're better off.
Whatever you were doing before has got to be better, you know? Maybe.
Well, I don't think you have much of a choice anymore.
What about you? Come morning, I'm gone.
Thanks to you.
Where? I got some friends in LA.
Or maybe they're in Vegas.
I don't know.
I'll get along.
What did you do before? I was a private investigator.
Oh, one of those, huh? Divorces, paper-hangers, repos.
I guess it's a racket just as good as any other.
What about you? What about my racket? What's a sweet girl like me doing turning tricks? Oh, I know, you would have said it better.
You would have said I had a lot going for me and I wasn't that dumb No, I don't think I would have said that.
Everything you've done since I met you has been dumb.
Goes with the territory, right? Thomas.
Listen, we both know there are no pat answers.
There's no grandmother, there's no kidney machine and there's no sick sister.
There was an uncle that made growing up real tough.
But I guess a lot of people have to grow up tough.
Well, I guess I couldn't.
So, I took the proverbial path of least resistance.
The easy way.
Except it hasn't been so easy.
Well, it's been interesting.
I mean, you and me.
At least you got a souvenir.
A slightly used coat.
What is it? It's a phone number.
Probably a bimbo.
Or his contact.
Huxley? Come on.
Who cares? I'm gone tomorrow.
So are you.
It's not our problem anymore.
What's it matter? It matters.
Why? It matters.
It matters because sometimes you get to a point where easy rationalizations don't cut it anymore.
There's got to be a place where you stop and examine your life.
And if it isn't right, then maybe you just got to say, "No, no more," or stop looking in the mirror.
Make the call.
Hello? Hello? Hello? I'm not leaving.
You have to.
Now, it's for your own good.
Fine.
But what about the easy rationalizations and the part where you just gotta say, "No, no more," or stop looking in the mirror? Good memory, huh? Well, maybe you should remember that these guys have guns, and they like to point them at you and pull the trigger.
Oh, to hell with them.
Hey, that's great.
That's a really well-considered plan.
Well, what's yours? I don't know.
Thomas, let me help.
You can help by leaving.
Rick? Are you ready now? No.
Get the hell out of here.
Thomas, look, you've done a lot for me.
You talked to me, you made me see things a little differently.
I don't mean a whole lot differently, but a little differently.
You saved my life a couple of times.
And mostly because of that, you lost your job.
Ah, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
I didn't lose my job over you.
I lost my job 'cause I was working for a crook who was working with some other crooks who happened to want to kill you because they thought you knew what they were up to.
Fine.
So that makes me part of this.
Now, we've got to stop those crooks from ripping off the hotel.
I owe you.
And we owe them.
Besides, who knows that dump better than we do, huh? Now? No.
Not yet.
Good morning.
Aloha! Yes, I know what you're thinking.
Why not call the cops? Well, there's some very good reasons for not doing that.
First of all, Clyde Daltrey's private phone number stuck in a cheap hood's coat didn't mean a thing, legally speaking.
And the police questioning him about such would merely cause him to abort the heist.
So we had to do this ourselves.
But there was also another aspect to consider.
An aspect that had been running through my mind ever since I didn't follow the Catman's leap.
It had to do with resolving a couple of nagging doubts.
And it also had to do with, and I think Leslie would say the same thing, a little something called self-respect.
The exhibition starts in the Rainbow Room in an hour.
If they're going to lift the collection, it's going to be between now and then.
Okay, but I don't see any sign of them.
Hey, what about the Catman? What if he shows up? That's Clyde's problem.
That's why he wanted me to catch the guy so badly in the first place.
So he wouldn't screw up his perfect heist.
Yeah, but, you want him, too.
Don't you? A drink, miss? Yes, thank you.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, quite.
You will, of course, reimburse me for the rental of this absurd suit.
I told you I would.
Good.
Everything is arranged.
We only await your signal.
Aloha.
You know, you've got some loyal friends.
Yeah.
He said he didn't want to see my career "besmirched" without a fight.
He's just helping me out, that's all.
I think he wants you to come back to the estate and your old job.
Higgins? No.
As a matter of fact There he is.
That is Willard X.
Huxley.
And there's the other clowns.
All right.
Are you ready? Oh, sure.
Okay.
All right, honey, let me get one.
Get up on the rail.
Oh, that's great.
That's good.
Good.
Now lean back and smile.
Oh, my God.
Oh, help me.
Get me up! What the hell? Don't just stand there and stare All the better.
Let's go.
like idiots! Do something! Call the paramedics.
Call the paramedics.
Get in there.
Do something! Don't just stand there! I'm gonna fall.
My fingers are slipping! Come on, Clyde! Hurry it up.
I will do this as fast as I am able.
Where are your friends? They were right behind us.
Did you lock the door on them? No, I did.
Hi, Clyde.
Willard.
What are you doing here? You're not supposed to have that.
And you're not supposed to steal.
House rules.
Now, drop the trinkets, Willard.
That's right.
Did you get them? No! Don't! It's okay.
I'll get the gun.
No! Um, I can cut you in.
We're gonna have to move really quickly.
Uh, okay.
Okay, that's not your way.
I'll I'll go along peacefully.
Um Wait.
I want to tell you something.
Oops! I want to take back all those things I said about you.
You are good.
Thank you.
This is preposterous.
Yeah.
It don't make any sense either.
Just tell me why.
I don't know.
You don't know? I don't.
It's just that It's just that I don't think I'm finished here yet.
What else is there for you to do? I mean, besides settle a few debts with Rick and I? I mean, life can go back to normal.
That's just it.
Maybe normal wasn't normal.
And this is? Hey look, Thomas, it's over.
You caught the robbers.
With our help.
That's right.
That's right.
With your help.
And I appreciate it.
I really do.
But I think the point Magnum is attempting to make is that he did need our assistance for the successful completion of this job.
He has not yet passed his crucible alone.
What's religion got to do with it? Thank you, Higgins.
And thank you, guys.
It's just that I took this job for a reason and I'm gonna stay with it till I can be sure it's the right one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Fine.
I got it.
You just gotta do what you gotta do, I guess.
But next time, don't call us.
Yeah.
Well, maybe while you're down here, you could send a little chopper charter business my way, you know? Well, good luck, Magnum.
Thanks, Higgins.
Thanks, guys.
And, by the by, I'll be down now and then with your mail.
And I'll be over to the estate to check on security.
Of course.
Oops! Hi.
Hi, Leslie.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Well, I'm leaving town.
Great.
I mean, where are you going? Well, I don't know.
Either to an ophthalmologist convention in Hilo or maybe to Nevada where my sister's working on a ranch.
Your sister's a cowgirl? Mmm-hmm, kinda.
You thought you had me reformed, didn't you? It's not that kind of a ranch.
Look, I know and you know that this is not going to be forever.
One of these days I'm gonna sit down and like you say I'm gonna examine my life, and maybe I'll try something else.
But, when I'm ready, okay? Oh, what am I asking you for? You don't know what you're doing either, do you? Maybe I do.
Oh, that was quick.
No, it wasn't.
Actually, it took me one whole pay period and three rather No, make that four rather unique people to show me.
I'm going home.
Magnum.
Yeah.
I'm on my way.
Bye, Leslie.
Bye.
Save your lectures for later.
There's two guys trying to kill me.
What? What's a sweet girl like me doing in this line of work? I promise you one thing, she will not be back at this hotel! Whatever you heard in that penthouse is incriminating enough to Huxley to get you killed.
So where do we go from here? Aloha.
Oh, Russell, this is beautiful.
What a hotel! What a room! This isn't just a room, honey, it's the honeymoon suite.
I've never seen anything like this.
I mean, I've never been anywhere like this.
I mean I've never done anything like this.
Sure beats Davenport.
Yeah.
There's only one place to spend a honeymoon, Mary.
Paradise.
And there's only one person to spend it with.
You, Russell.
Ah, here's my surprise.
Oh, a bathtub with bubbles! Isn't it great? Here, put your foot in it.
Careful it's It's hot.
Careful.
Oh, wow! Isn't it wonderful? Oh, feel those bubbles! Oh, boy! Wonderful.
What's that? Russell! Honey, what is it? Call the house detective! You should be summarily fired for this.
But I'm not going to do that.
Because I'm going to give you one more chance, Magnum.
Thanks, Clyde.
It's Mr.
Daltrey, and it's precisely that attitude that is jeopardizing your position here at the Hawaiian Gardens Hotel as house detective.
Look, Mr.
Daltrey, if you don't think I'm qualified for the job What I think is irrelevant.
You've come very highly recommended by Robin Masters and Lieutenant Tanaka of the police department.
Now I realize that you've only been on the job for two weeks Ten days.
One pay period.
But be that as it may, you were hired to put a stop to the rash of burglaries that have been plaguing this hotel.
Now, I realize, of course, that this is not a permanent position.
But it could be.
Perhaps you don't care about that though, do you? Look, I was hired to do a job.
I will do it.
Fine.
As of yet, however, you've shown very little aptitude for it.
For, in addition to failing to capture the so-called Catman of Kauai, your daily reports are egregiously written, not to mention virtually indecipherable and certainly revealing about your lack of professionalism.
I quote, "Tailed suspected hooker up to the Prince Kuhio Suite.
"Continued surveillance for two hours, "then interrogated her afterwards in the Aloha Lounge.
" No doubt over a couple of mai tais.
I thought I'd put her at ease.
Oh, you're very considerate, Magnum.
You're supposed to arrest them, not wine-and-dine them.
No, there's a very sad story there.
Her father I'm not interested in her father.
Why didn't you arrest her? Because I thought I'd talk to her instead.
Look, I promise you one thing, she will not be back at this hotel! And maybe you won't be either, if you don't catch this Catman idiot.
Preferably before this Monday, when the international convention of jewelry designers comes in.
You must stop him by then.
Or I suspect that we will no longer be needing your services.
Are we clear? Real clear.
Very good.
You're dismissed.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way, I want a full report on today's incident on my desk by 4:00.
Right.
And don't forget to include your reasons for terminating hot pursuit.
Because you don't let me carry a gun.
Hotel rules.
Look, I wasn't sure I could make the jump.
He did.
So far, my new employment as house detective at the Hawaiian Gardens was not a rousing success.
At least not with Clyde Daltrey.
But maybe Clyde, in his own way, did have a point.
There was a time, and not too long ago, that I would have, without any hesitation, jumped across those buildings.
And if I didn't make it all the way to the other side, well, it would've been a little too late to start worrying about it.
Just like the Catman didn't.
Nevertheless, my decision not to jump was the rational one.
And I guess as you get older rational decisions become more and more a part of your life.
Impulsiveness is replaced by caution, sheer physical infallibility is etched away by time, and then you know that maybe it's time to get a real job.
And the fact that I was deeply in debt to both Rick and T.
C.
, I'm sure, had nothing to do with it.
Honest.
Come in.
It's open.
Higgins.
Magnum.
You're wearing glasses? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Bad light.
Oh.
Well, perhaps this will help.
Perhaps not.
Well, here you are, gainfully employed.
Frankly, a circumstance I could only previously dream about.
Now I marvel.
Higgins, if you're here on a sight-seeing tour, I am busy.
Or do you miss me already? Hardly.
As a matter of fact, the aura of pastoral serenity that has permeated the estate since your departure is positively delightful.
Birds sing, lads frolic.
"Lads frolic"? What are you here for, Higgins? Nothing, aside from the fact that I was driving into town on my way to a meeting of the Anglo-Hawaiian Cultural Academy and I thought I'd stop by about your mail.
Oh, fine, thank you.
Well, I didn't bring it, actually.
But it is accumulating.
Mostly publishers' sweepstakes and, of course, your usual collection of unpaid bills.
Well, send them to me.
I'll pay them.
But don't open my sweepstakes.
I may have already won.
Perhaps you can pick them up when you come out Sunday to check the security system.
Fine.
Say hi to the frolicking lads for me.
Why? What? Why what? What? I'm merely curious as to why you have uprooted your life and avocation of the last six years, and really, your single-minded attempt at a hedonistic lifestyle, for this rather pedestrian endeavor? Surely even you can see by now that being a hotel investigator Detective.
Detective, is no more than a monotonous routine of schedules and detail.
Serving another master.
Really, it's rather like Like your job? Well, maybe it's time I had one, too.
They're just for reading.
Thanks for coming by.
Quite.
I'll see you on Sunday.
Good day, Magnum.
By the by, it eventually happens to even the best of us.
What, Higgins? It's me, Leslie! Come on! I thought I told you never to come Save your lectures for later.
There's two guys trying to kill me.
What? Where are they? They're coming down the stairwell.
Well, stay in here, lock the door.
Hey, what's the rush? Now, let's see some ID.
You see her? No.
But she got off at this floor, though.
Yeah.
Well, maybe we'd better check that other stairwell.
What about him? Let him sleep.
That couldn't hurt that much.
It didn't.
I moved my ribs.
Oh.
I'm really sorry about this.
So am I.
How could I let that guy sneak up from behind me? Well, maybe you should have had a gun.
I'm not supposed to have a gun.
Besides, if I'd had a gun on the first guy, I wouldn't be complaining about a butt on the head from the second one.
Yeah.
He would have blown your brains out.
You know, that's called escalation.
I remember that from junior college.
It was psych, I think.
Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Why didn't you remember you were supposed to stay out of the hotel? Oh, I remembered.
Now what the hell were you doing here, Leslie? Look, you're a rent-a-cop.
Your job is to roust me.
My job is to ignore you.
I was working.
Yeah.
What about that story about My sister's back operation? No.
About your dad's kidney machine.
Oh, yeah.
I get them mixed up sometimes.
You know, it's not easy keeping everything straight.
In my line, you talk to a lot of people.
Yeah.
But not all of them want to kill you.
Now, what happened? What happened, Leslie? I guess I got some people mad at me.
You've got a lot of people mad at you.
And you've got three of them mad at me.
Now, I want an explanation.
Okay, okay.
You pegged it.
I had an opportunity for a major deal.
You know, in the penthouse suite.
Look, I really wasn't going to come back here, but a client in the penthouse suite is sort of irresistible, you know what I mean? Well, it seems real resistible to me.
Why did this guy want to kill you? Oh, that wasn't him.
Those were his friends.
Why did they want to kill you? Oh, you're not going to turn me in, are you? I'm thinking about it.
I'm also thinking about letting you just walk right out of here.
But I guess being turned in would probably be more preferable to you, right? You know, you've got a real cop mentality.
You ought to work on that hostility.
Yeah? What happened? Okay, fine.
You want it, you got it.
I tried to pick the guy's pocket.
That wasn't real bright.
In his closet.
I was on my way out of the suite and there was this open closet in the entry hall with all these coats hanging up and so I just thought I'd kind of Rip off his wallet to pay for your grandmother's wheelchair.
Something like that.
Anyway, while I was doing that I could hear him talking on the phone.
Business, you know.
Except he was talking in some sort of code.
I've been around and I know he was setting up some sort of job.
And? And that's when those two jerks walked in.
How'd you get away? It's a lethal sucker, isn't it? Hmm, so was the gun they hit me over the head with.
Now, who's this client of yours? It's Willard Huxley.
Willard X.
Huxley? Well, I didn't know it at the time.
All I knew was it was the penthouse suite.
Willard X.
Huxley is a real well-known criminal.
And he knows I heard him setting up a job.
So, Thomas, if you turn me in, I'm going to go to jail.
And if you let me go, I'm sure as hell dead.
You got any ideas? My first idea was to check out Willard X.
Huxley.
Thanks, Stacy.
But not surprisingly, the party occupying the penthouse suite had unexpectedly checked out a half-hour ago.
Which left me to my second idea.
And probably the best one.
That is, part with some of my hard-earned paycheck and get Leslie out of my room, out of this hotel, out of town and, hopefully, out of my life.
Strictly a humanitarian gesture.
Magnum.
Besides, this job was tough enough without dealing with troublesome irrelevancies.
Where have you been? What's the matter with you? Nothing.
I slipped in the shower.
Your shower heads aren't high enough, Clyde.
What is it? My, my, aren't we short? Job getting to you? No.
Don't say it.
We don't want to create any further grounds for taking disciplinary action, do we? Of course not.
Don't even think about taking legal action over your shower incident.
Those heads are to code.
Perhaps yours isn't.
Clyde, you know, you remind me of this guy that Spare me the personal anecdotes.
I have business to discuss.
Discuss.
Specifically, the bottom line of the emergency board of directors meeting I just attended.
Which is Which is? Which is that the self-styled Catman of Kauai must be apprehended before the international convention of jewelry designers convenes.
I know that.
I mean, I'm doing everything I can.
I've increased uniformed security, patrols, warnings to guests.
Besides, who's to say I didn't scare him off? He does.
This note from him is what prompted the meeting.
The cocky, little sneak thief has thrown down the gauntlet.
He thinks this is a game.
I want him.
So do I.
Oh, well, finally, we agree on something.
I want you to do whatever is necessary to catch him.
I leave it to you, Magnum.
It's time you proved yourself.
Ooh.
Oops.
I'm sorry, but, you said not to go out, and I wanted to cook you dinner.
Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes and a brownie.
It would have helped if you had taken them out of the cartons.
Oh.
Well, I don't cook much.
Hey, how about room service? Oh, great.
Why don't we take an ad out in the hotel newspaper that you're staying here? Well, I don't have to.
I know that.
But you're going to until I can get you out of town safely.
Oh, yeah.
Well, who says I want to get out of town? Well, for starters, Huxley and the guys who were trying to kill you.
After that, the line forms right behind me.
Hey, look, you don't have to do me any favors.
I've been in worse scrapes.
So have I.
I'm leaving.
No, you're not.
Rick, what are you doing tonight? Huh? Oh, hey, that's great.
Do you have any friends? No, not you.
What are you talking about? You know, friends.
Everywhere I go! What? You wanna double? No! No, Rick, no.
Just a second.
Look, I have a plan to get us out of our respective messes.
Will you help me? I don't know.
I'll get dinner.
I'll get dinner.
Yeah, that's right.
And I'm buying.
Look, I'm trying to save your life and my job.
Will you help? Okay, why not? Thank you.
And thank you.
You know, I get the feeling that you're much too good for this kind of work.
Oh, well, thanks.
Maybe that Don't finish that or I'll lose all respect for you.
Mr.
and Mrs.
John Smith from Modesto, California.
I believe we have reservations.
The honeymoon suite.
Yes.
Will you be paying by check or by credit card? It'll be cash, baby.
All cash.
Yes, I know what you're thinking.
This was a crude and obvious ploy to capture the Catman.
Well, I didn't think the Catman's taunting note was the height of subtlety either.
And, I guess, neither is that old adage about killing two birds with one stone.
But the reason clichés are clichés is because ultimately they're either true or they work.
That's why you never hear sayings you've never heard before.
Those are the ones that didn't work.
Which is all to say why I was hoping this one would.
I catch the Catman and get Leslie out of town in one fell swoop.
And if it didn't work, I suppose there's always more clichés to fall back to.
There always are.
Save the heart of gold stuff for some other sucker.
The only reason I'm doing this is for Leslie.
And 100 big ones.
You know, between this and the bread that I have to lay out for Leslie, to get her out of town for you tomorrow, it's gotta be costing you a lot of money on this job, Thomas.
So maybe you should just consider No, I'm gonna see this through.
My tab runs all the way back to spring training.
My tab started at 6:00.
Look, forget it, Thomas.
Just forget the whole thing.
It's history.
No, it's not history.
It's a debt.
I like the way he thinks.
Well, I'm right, aren't I? Who am I to argue? But that's not the point.
Look, you don't have to do it this way, Thomas.
Getting a regular job, moving off of Robin Masters' estate, it's a little extreme.
No, it's not extreme.
It's boring.
Well, yeah, it may Well, yeah Yes, it may be boring, but it's It's not the Thomas Sullivan Magnum that I know.
Hey, guy, people change.
Before this, I was a dancer.
Oh, that's terrific.
Okay, okay.
What do you want me to do? Well, I want you to take Cleo out to dinner while I wait this guy out.
Well, what if it takes this guy a long time to show up? Well, then I want you to take her dancing.
You like dancing? Mmm-hmm.
Just be obvious.
Well, I don't think that's going to be very hard.
Okay, Cleo, let's step out.
Thank you.
Ah, by the way, I brought along a deck of playing cards from the guest house.
You can play a little solitaire while you wait for the Catman.
Thanks.
Obviously, I've connected with two wild and crazy guys.
Don't cheat, big guy.
Rick was right on one account.
This job was costing me money.
But somehow, that wasn't the issue anymore.
To spout more clichés, it had come down to my own sense of pride and professionalism.
Catch the crook and save the damsel.
Even if I had to break hotel rules.
What? Thomas, it's me.
Oh, great.
You just blew it.
Just shut up and listen.
They got Leslie.
Now, what do you want me to do? Nothing.
They've got guns.
Where are they? At the restaurant.
They're heading for the kitchen.
You stay where you are.
I'm on my way.
The bad thing about using clichés in one's work is that they don't always allow for variables.
Like being lied to by someone you're trying to help while you're doing your damndest just to do your own job in order to help yourself.
So much for the two-bird-one-stone theory.
Now it looked like neither.
Except the part about losing my job became a little more insignificant when stacked up against the possibility of Leslie losing her life.
Because that was a pleasure I was beginning to want to reserve for myself.
Go! I guess it's time to think about getting out of town.
It's time to think about getting out of my life! Fine.
Except you can't do it till morning.
That's when Rick made the arrangements.
Oh, well, tell him not to bother.
And the same goes for you.
Not to bother? Not to bother! Oh, so now you're telling me not to bother? What about saving your life? Twice! I bothered then.
What do you want? Return in trade? No! Come on.
My life's worth $100.
At least I think it is.
Oh! Why'd you leave the room? You know people are after you.
You know I told You know I told you to stay put.
Why'd you leave? I don't know.
Come on, Leslie, why'd you leave? I was hustling the bar.
What? Why? It's what I do.
Oh, fine, fine.
It's what you do.
You know something? That's self-destructive.
It No, no, oh, no, no.
I'm not even going to get into that.
Oh, yeah? Well, just what are you getting into? All I'm saying is whatever you heard in that penthouse is incriminating enough to Huxley to get you killed.
And you being this blasé about it is probably going to get me fired.
So where do we go from here, Mr.
House Detective? Magnum.
Open up.
In the closet.
I'm coming.
I know you're in there.
I'm coming.
Come on in, Clyde.
Who's in here? Me and you.
I heard talking.
I know I did.
Going somewhere? No, no.
I'm staying right here.
I know I heard talking.
Oh, sure, you did.
I had the TV on.
You know, one of those silly family sitcoms with these cute little kids and the father.
And see, he's a doc It's solid-state.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it.
Because as of this moment, you're fired.
What? No protests? No recriminations? No pleas to do a better job? It's your hotel, Clyde.
You're damn right, it is.
And I intend to keep it that way.
And I want the burglars and hookers and riffraff out.
And you can include yourself in that latter category.
Fine.
What about the Catman? What about the jewelry design convention tomorrow? Don't beg.
It's unseemly.
I'm not begging.
Of course not.
As far as the so-called Catman goes, hopefully, your amateurish ruse has worked and he'll skip the convention.
And in the matter of the convention, I have decided to personally take over the supervision of security myself.
I don't think I could do any worse.
I'm sure you'll do fine, Clyde.
I'm sure any thief who saw you in the showroom would be just quaking in his black sneakers.
Let me do the sarcasm here, Magnum.
All right? As a matter of fact, you've become totally irrelevant, as I have, at great expense to the hotel, increased uniformed personnel for the convention tenfold.
I'm sure we'll do just fine without you.
Oh.
And, yes, we'll deduct the damages to the kitchen and to the guest's car from your severance pay.
And when it's all computed, you probably won't owe us too much money.
Good night.
Oh, remember, checkout is 12 noon.
God Kind of a jerk, isn't he? Look at it this way.
You're better off.
Whatever you were doing before has got to be better, you know? Maybe.
Well, I don't think you have much of a choice anymore.
What about you? Come morning, I'm gone.
Thanks to you.
Where? I got some friends in LA.
Or maybe they're in Vegas.
I don't know.
I'll get along.
What did you do before? I was a private investigator.
Oh, one of those, huh? Divorces, paper-hangers, repos.
I guess it's a racket just as good as any other.
What about you? What about my racket? What's a sweet girl like me doing turning tricks? Oh, I know, you would have said it better.
You would have said I had a lot going for me and I wasn't that dumb No, I don't think I would have said that.
Everything you've done since I met you has been dumb.
Goes with the territory, right? Thomas.
Listen, we both know there are no pat answers.
There's no grandmother, there's no kidney machine and there's no sick sister.
There was an uncle that made growing up real tough.
But I guess a lot of people have to grow up tough.
Well, I guess I couldn't.
So, I took the proverbial path of least resistance.
The easy way.
Except it hasn't been so easy.
Well, it's been interesting.
I mean, you and me.
At least you got a souvenir.
A slightly used coat.
What is it? It's a phone number.
Probably a bimbo.
Or his contact.
Huxley? Come on.
Who cares? I'm gone tomorrow.
So are you.
It's not our problem anymore.
What's it matter? It matters.
Why? It matters.
It matters because sometimes you get to a point where easy rationalizations don't cut it anymore.
There's got to be a place where you stop and examine your life.
And if it isn't right, then maybe you just got to say, "No, no more," or stop looking in the mirror.
Make the call.
Hello? Hello? Hello? I'm not leaving.
You have to.
Now, it's for your own good.
Fine.
But what about the easy rationalizations and the part where you just gotta say, "No, no more," or stop looking in the mirror? Good memory, huh? Well, maybe you should remember that these guys have guns, and they like to point them at you and pull the trigger.
Oh, to hell with them.
Hey, that's great.
That's a really well-considered plan.
Well, what's yours? I don't know.
Thomas, let me help.
You can help by leaving.
Rick? Are you ready now? No.
Get the hell out of here.
Thomas, look, you've done a lot for me.
You talked to me, you made me see things a little differently.
I don't mean a whole lot differently, but a little differently.
You saved my life a couple of times.
And mostly because of that, you lost your job.
Ah, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
I didn't lose my job over you.
I lost my job 'cause I was working for a crook who was working with some other crooks who happened to want to kill you because they thought you knew what they were up to.
Fine.
So that makes me part of this.
Now, we've got to stop those crooks from ripping off the hotel.
I owe you.
And we owe them.
Besides, who knows that dump better than we do, huh? Now? No.
Not yet.
Good morning.
Aloha! Yes, I know what you're thinking.
Why not call the cops? Well, there's some very good reasons for not doing that.
First of all, Clyde Daltrey's private phone number stuck in a cheap hood's coat didn't mean a thing, legally speaking.
And the police questioning him about such would merely cause him to abort the heist.
So we had to do this ourselves.
But there was also another aspect to consider.
An aspect that had been running through my mind ever since I didn't follow the Catman's leap.
It had to do with resolving a couple of nagging doubts.
And it also had to do with, and I think Leslie would say the same thing, a little something called self-respect.
The exhibition starts in the Rainbow Room in an hour.
If they're going to lift the collection, it's going to be between now and then.
Okay, but I don't see any sign of them.
Hey, what about the Catman? What if he shows up? That's Clyde's problem.
That's why he wanted me to catch the guy so badly in the first place.
So he wouldn't screw up his perfect heist.
Yeah, but, you want him, too.
Don't you? A drink, miss? Yes, thank you.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, quite.
You will, of course, reimburse me for the rental of this absurd suit.
I told you I would.
Good.
Everything is arranged.
We only await your signal.
Aloha.
You know, you've got some loyal friends.
Yeah.
He said he didn't want to see my career "besmirched" without a fight.
He's just helping me out, that's all.
I think he wants you to come back to the estate and your old job.
Higgins? No.
As a matter of fact There he is.
That is Willard X.
Huxley.
And there's the other clowns.
All right.
Are you ready? Oh, sure.
Okay.
All right, honey, let me get one.
Get up on the rail.
Oh, that's great.
That's good.
Good.
Now lean back and smile.
Oh, my God.
Oh, help me.
Get me up! What the hell? Don't just stand there and stare All the better.
Let's go.
like idiots! Do something! Call the paramedics.
Call the paramedics.
Get in there.
Do something! Don't just stand there! I'm gonna fall.
My fingers are slipping! Come on, Clyde! Hurry it up.
I will do this as fast as I am able.
Where are your friends? They were right behind us.
Did you lock the door on them? No, I did.
Hi, Clyde.
Willard.
What are you doing here? You're not supposed to have that.
And you're not supposed to steal.
House rules.
Now, drop the trinkets, Willard.
That's right.
Did you get them? No! Don't! It's okay.
I'll get the gun.
No! Um, I can cut you in.
We're gonna have to move really quickly.
Uh, okay.
Okay, that's not your way.
I'll I'll go along peacefully.
Um Wait.
I want to tell you something.
Oops! I want to take back all those things I said about you.
You are good.
Thank you.
This is preposterous.
Yeah.
It don't make any sense either.
Just tell me why.
I don't know.
You don't know? I don't.
It's just that It's just that I don't think I'm finished here yet.
What else is there for you to do? I mean, besides settle a few debts with Rick and I? I mean, life can go back to normal.
That's just it.
Maybe normal wasn't normal.
And this is? Hey look, Thomas, it's over.
You caught the robbers.
With our help.
That's right.
That's right.
With your help.
And I appreciate it.
I really do.
But I think the point Magnum is attempting to make is that he did need our assistance for the successful completion of this job.
He has not yet passed his crucible alone.
What's religion got to do with it? Thank you, Higgins.
And thank you, guys.
It's just that I took this job for a reason and I'm gonna stay with it till I can be sure it's the right one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Fine.
I got it.
You just gotta do what you gotta do, I guess.
But next time, don't call us.
Yeah.
Well, maybe while you're down here, you could send a little chopper charter business my way, you know? Well, good luck, Magnum.
Thanks, Higgins.
Thanks, guys.
And, by the by, I'll be down now and then with your mail.
And I'll be over to the estate to check on security.
Of course.
Oops! Hi.
Hi, Leslie.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Well, I'm leaving town.
Great.
I mean, where are you going? Well, I don't know.
Either to an ophthalmologist convention in Hilo or maybe to Nevada where my sister's working on a ranch.
Your sister's a cowgirl? Mmm-hmm, kinda.
You thought you had me reformed, didn't you? It's not that kind of a ranch.
Look, I know and you know that this is not going to be forever.
One of these days I'm gonna sit down and like you say I'm gonna examine my life, and maybe I'll try something else.
But, when I'm ready, okay? Oh, what am I asking you for? You don't know what you're doing either, do you? Maybe I do.
Oh, that was quick.
No, it wasn't.
Actually, it took me one whole pay period and three rather No, make that four rather unique people to show me.
I'm going home.
Magnum.
Yeah.
I'm on my way.
Bye, Leslie.
Bye.