Magnum, P.I. (1980) s08e07 Episode Script
A Girl Named Sue
Thomas? Susan? I hope you find that will soon.
Arthur's getting a little desperate.
Where's your gun? It's in the shop.
You call yourself a professional! Why don't you join forces and look for it together.
Don't move.
I'd be very happy if I never saw you again.
Fine.
Fine! I got his answering machine again.
At least he could've called.
So damn irresponsible.
Twenty minutes late is irresponsible.
He was due over an hour ago.
Wonder if he's in some kind of trouble? You bet he's in trouble.
With me! Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
You're sorry? You're sorry! I lay out 200 bucks to Jerry Kanelo because you tell me that he's the best marlin guide around, and now you just waste half our fishing time.
And remember, I have to get back for a 3:00 charter.
Come on T.
C.
, not you, too.
Can't you get someone else to fly the charter? I would've been here sooner, but I had someone after me.
It's a package deal.
Each day this week, I have to take a different religious leader to that conference over on Hilo.
You are gonna pay your full share.
You know, they almost had me at the estate but I slipped away.
Who almost had you? What're you talking about? Mrs.
Murtaugh's process servers.
You know, the woman who lives near the estate? She's suing her next-door neighbor.
See, his Dalmatian supposedly ravished her Shih Tzu, And she is claiming that I happened to see it when I was jogging by.
So, she's trying to subpoena me.
And you're trying to avoid being served? Exactly.
I'm not spending a month in court waiting to testify that I didn't see anything.
So, as of now, I am officially on the lam.
You don't know me, you haven't seen me.
I don't wanna know you.
Are we going fishing or not? Yeah, it sounds like a great way to get lost for half a day.
Excuse me.
Thomas Magnum? Me? No.
Absolutely not.
Who told you that? Uh, Jonathan Higgins said I might be able to find him here, and a waitress just pointed you out.
Oh! Rosine? She just can't get us straight.
I'm not Thomas Magnum.
I'm Earl, Thomas Magnum's brother.
Right, guys? Right, it's his brother.
Yeah, good old Earl.
I really needed to see him.
I don't suppose you're a detective, too? A private investigator? No, I'm an exterminator.
What am I gonna do now? I I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I'm Melissa Wainwright.
Oh.
If you see your brother, would you please tell him that I want to hire him right away, and I'll pay him anything he asks? Maybe if I could tell him a little bit about the case? All right.
Uh It's kind of personal.
I think I know where we could be a little more private.
Excuse me.
Oh, Earl, I don't even know where to start.
Your brother came highly recommended.
I need his help urgently.
I - I don't have anybody else to advise me.
At least, not anymore.
It's just that I've been so confused since it happened.
I lost my father in a boating accident three weeks ago.
I'm still in mourning.
Gee, I'm sorry.
Thank you, Mr.
Magnum.
Look, Miss Wainwright, I think I owe you an apology.
When you came to the table, I really didn't think you were a client.
I don't understand.
Well, I thought you were someone else, someone I didn't wanna see.
Actually, I am Thomas Magnum.
You tricked me? Is that how you have fun with your friends? No, believe me, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, please.
Please, look.
Miss Wainwright, I'm sorry.
I didn't intend to fool you or make light of your situation.
I'd like to help you if I can.
It's my brother, Arthur.
I Maybe this is a mistake.
I should go.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, this is a mistake.
No, come on, it's all right.
I mean, you've gone this far.
This is gonna sound so terrible.
Well, just take a deep breath and tell me.
I think my brother may have killed our father and stolen his will.
Well, that's quite a statement.
If you have some proof, the police No, I don't, at least nothing substantial.
Arthur was being disinherited, and he was on the boat the night my father fell overboard, and now Dad's will is missing.
Circumstantial evidence.
Well, maybe I could shore it up for you.
It's not all.
Arthur claims to be looking for the will.
He called and he asked me to meet him tonight at one of Dad's warehouses.
I'm afraid to go, Mr.
Magnum.
Well, don't.
Just don't.
I'll go, and I'll talk to Arthur and see if I can find out what he's up to.
That is, if you still wanna hire me.
Yes, I do.
Thank you, Mr.
Magnum.
Thomas.
Melissa.
Yo! Yo! Hey you, big guy! A little help! Thomas Magnum! Dutton? Consider yourself officially served.
Process serving? Is that the kind of case you're taking now? I'm sorry, Magnum, but all's fair in business and war.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
There are few things more dangerous than getting in the middle of a family quarrel.
Especially a family quarrel over a large fortune.
Ask any cop, and he'll tell you more policemen are injured answering family disturbance calls than any other kind.
It's like that old love song says, "You always hurt the one you love.
" And anyone else who happens to be in the line of fire.
Well, I wasn't planning to make the 10:00 news the hard way.
Melissa? No.
Better give it up, bud, or I'll ventilate you.
I have a theory.
You wanna hear it? No! I think you're a woman pretending to be a man.
A bullet doesn't care whose hand pulls the trigger! I also think you read too many detective novels.
Hey.
You wouldn't happen to be a tall, average-looking guy with a mustache, would you? What if I am? Did you ever spend a weekend in a bank vault with a stunning brunette? Susan? Thomas? Susan Johnson? I don't believe it! Oh, Thomas.
I am so glad to see you.
I had no idea you were back in town.
Yeah, well, surprise! How's the saxophone-playing? Excellent.
And you're not back at the bank.
No, I was.
I went back.
I thought you were quitting.
Well, I did but I went Well, I was working there while I was studying at the, uh, Lucky Steele Detective School.
Lucky Steele? Yeah.
The guy on late-night TV? Susan, come on, his hair isn't even real.
Well, maybe not, but my license is.
I got it three weeks ago and this is my first case.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
Do you think maybe we could continue talking outside? This is a little bit too déjà vu for me.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
We have this habit of getting locked in little rooms.
Don't say "locked.
" Don't.
Yeah.
Don't kid around, Thomas.
Who's kidding? It's stuck.
You did it again! You locked us in here! We're trapped! No, I haven't! Of course, it might take us a couple minutes to get out.
Thomas, are you representing Melissa Wainwright? Didn't Lucky Steele tell you about client confidentiality? Oh, you sap.
She is vicious! She is a vicious, vicious woman! She probably murdered her father.
Arthur warned me.
He told me that she might send a hit man here tonight.
Oh, is that why you tried to "ventilate" me? I didn't try to ventilate you, all right? You came in here bellowing like that, and you startled me and my gun went off, okay? I don't want to fight with you, Susan.
I just want to help you.
It seems Arthur Wainwright has pulled the oldest trick in the book on you.
He's reversed all the facts in this case.
In reality, Arthur did all the things that he's accusing Melissa of.
Oh.
Well, in that case, where'd the little witch hide the will? If you want the will, I suggest you go ask Arthur! And to think that I have always looked up to you as a model investigator.
Oh! What do you think you're doing? Oh, heck! My TV must have been on the blink the night that Lucky Steele taught us how to open a lock with a corkscrew.
Night, Thomas.
Susan? Susan.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
I felt bad about ending up in competition with a stand-up guy like Thomas.
I'd always liked his style.
In fact, he had a lot to do with my deciding to join the Flatfoot Fraternity.
The first thing I learned at Lucky Steele's Detective School was that a savvy P.
I.
Doesn't think much of the human condition.
We always suspect everyone.
And that's why we're so rarely disappointed.
I wasn't ready to panic, but the palm of my shifting hand was starting to itch.
And since my heap had the horses, I decided to use them.
I had to hope the gumshoe gods were watching over me.
What a bozo.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
Reunions are a two-edged sword.
They can be joyous occasions or recipes for disaster.
I remember when I was six or seven, the Sullivan clan took over half the city park for the weekend.
By the end of the first day, a huge argument began between cousins about something near and dear to Sullivan hearts.
Probably land or politics or poetry.
I can still remember asking Grandpa Sullivan why the family was fighting.
And he said, "Thomas, you can only get really angry "at those who love you enough to forgive you.
" Nice surveillance car.
Very subtle.
I got mine free.
So, how'd you get out of the storage room? Easy.
I can always get out.
I was just having some fun with you.
Right.
Is this your investigative technique? Following me? Don't flatter yourself.
I've come here to see Arthur.
He won't be here.
Melissa is staying here.
Well, this was the address he gave me.
Thomas! I've been waiting for you.
I tried to tell you.
Susan! At last! I tried to tell you.
Thomas, it was so good to see you standing at that door.
When I found out that Arthur had also sent an investigator to that warehouse, I was petrified.
I tried to call you and warn you.
Oh, I appreciate that, Melissa, but I do this for a living.
You don't have to worry about me.
I can't help it.
If anything happened to you, then I'd be all alone again.
Isn't it, uh, kind of risky? I mean, living in the same house with somebody who might want to kill you? I take precautions, yes.
Because you see, Melissa is the kind of person that would try to hire someone to do her dirty work for her.
What would have happened if I had met Magnum in a dark warehouse? Well, it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
You are the greatest, Susan.
Listen, Thomas, I think I have good news.
I may know where my father hid the will.
Daddy has this small cabin on the windward side.
He used to disappear there and work on his inventions.
Does Arthur know about this? I don't think he remembers.
Oh, I should warn you, it's a tiny place on a remote section of the North Shore, and there's no security.
Well, it sounds like just the kind of place an eccentric like your father might use.
I'll check it out in the morning.
I think a woman with your sense of adventure would simply love sailing.
It is absolutely my favorite thing in the whole wide world.
At least, it was, until Dad Oh, no, Arthur, it will be again.
Just as soon as we get this sordid nightmare buried in the past.
Thomas, I hope you find that will soon.
I think Arthur's getting a little desperate.
He is? I know he doesn't look it, but he's capable of extreme violence.
He'd stoop to anything.
Magnum, you promised to help me get ready for Sunday's lawn bowling tournament.
But I'm on the Wainwright case now.
Very well, but the least you can do is assist in unloading the equipment.
How long have you known the Wainwrights, Higgins? I first met William in Burma, 1944.
He was with Merrill's Marauders.
I was helping train one of the local Burmese defense forces.
I sometimes think you met everyone during the war.
Nevertheless, that's where I first encountered William.
During monsoon season, he constructed this snowshoe contraption made of vines and jungle leaves to keep us from sinking into that knee-deep muck.
Sounds like a very resourceful guy.
Quite.
Two hours after we cleared the camp, an air strike leveled everything around.
I'm one of several hundred soldiers who owes his life to William Wainwright's inventiveness.
No kidding.
Sounds like a great story for your memoirs, Higgins.
Here, you better let me Higgins! Are you crazy? You could have hurt yourself, not to mention me! Merely a small miscalculation of relative weight distribution.
The only harm done was Naturally, I'll be happy to replace the contents.
No! No, no, don't worry about it.
It's just a little something.
Nevertheless, I'm responsible for the damage.
No, no, they're knitted potholders.
You know, the flatter they get, the better they work.
I'm afraid I must insist.
Boy, am I late! Oh, my God! What are you doing here? My job.
Aha! What do you think you're doing? Let me go.
Congratulations.
Where's your gun? It's in the shop.
Where? It's in the shop! I bent the firing pin You what? I bent the firing pin hammering my way out of the storage room.
And you call yourself a professional! By the way, pro, before you return fire, I suggest you put some bullets in your gun.
Forget it.
He's gone.
Don't you mean she's gone? No, I don't! And only a rookie like you would still think that sweet, lovely Melissa could be involved in this.
"Sweet, lovely Melissa"? "Rookie"? May I remind you that this rookie was the one who had the experience to be packing iron when the lead started flying.
Packing iron? Oh, that's right, because I was about to get plugged.
About to plunge headlong down the dark rabbit hole of existence to that neon Valhalla where the drinks are pure and the women aren't.
Are you making fun of me? Yes, I am.
Okay.
Okay, that does it.
You know what I want from you from now on? What? Nothing.
Good! And you know something else? I'd be very happy if I never saw you again.
That's fine with me.
Fine.
Fine! Fine.
Fine! Fine! Magnum? Magnum? Magnum! The gunsmith has repaired your pistol, and his estimate on my Webley is $175.
A hundred and Okay, fine, fine.
I said I'd pay for it.
There's also someone here to see you.
Nice looking coat.
What is it, unborn linoleum? Is that the excellent playing you were telling me about? Miss Johnson wants to talk with you.
Why? Wait a minute.
You told me he wanted to talk to me.
He does.
He just doesn't know it yet.
What are you doing, Higgins? The question is, what are you doing? In the past three hours, I've received separate phone calls from Melissa and Arthur Wainwright.
Well, why are they calling you? To complain that the two of you are impeding one another's progress on the case and, in general, behaving like self-absorbed adolescents.
In other words, much like Melissa and Arthur themselves.
Well, I can only speak for myself, but my investigation is ongoing.
Mine, too.
And it's going quite well.
Nonsense.
Can't the two of you be professional enough to stop this squabbling and declare a truce? Well, it's all right with me.
But he started it.
I did not! You did, too! Okay! Truce! Thank you.
I hope you'll both be equally adult about my next proposal.
You're both looking for the same will And the truth about what happened to William Wainwright.
Then why don't you join forces and look for it together? Together? Us? Higgins.
Uh, you don't know what you're asking.
There are so many reasons why that wouldn't work.
Please proceed.
I have nothing planned for this afternoon.
Yes, I'd like to hear some of those reasons myself.
No, don't.
Don't play again.
I know what you're thinking.
I made a big mistake by letting Higgins talk me into joining forces with Susan.
And you may be right.
But I've always felt it's better to have your mistake right at your elbow than popping up when you least expect it.
I know what you're thinking.
I'd broken a P.
I.
Commandment by teaming up with someone else.
But my gut instinct said this partnership had a future.
It felt good to be part of a well-oiled investigative team attacking a tough case.
Two-fisted action, witty repartee, and who knows, maybe a touch of hearts and flowers.
All right.
Now, just hang back and watch how I handle this situation.
Right.
Gail! Oh, God, it's good to see you.
You're not Gail, I'm sorry.
No, I'm Julie.
Julie Marsh.
But I'd be willing to change my name.
That's not necessary, Julie.
I'm sorry, I'm Thomas Magnum.
No kidding.
Oh, this is Susan Johnson.
I've always loved the name Tom.
It's so strong, so sensual So easy to spell.
Is there something I could do for you? Well, I hope so.
I really hope so.
Actually, you could do it for both of us.
Right.
Uh, we're trying to locate a yacht that's berthed here.
It's the Wainwight The Wainwright yacht.
Why, Tom, you know I can't tell you where people keep their boats.
What if you turned out to be a criminal? Well, you could always frisk me first.
That might be interesting.
Is there a fire hose around here? Just in case.
But unfortunately the Wainwright yacht is out.
I thought so.
Arthur took it.
I don't think it was Arthur.
I can check the trip sheets.
It might say.
Could you? Thanks! What are you doing? I'm trying to get some information, here.
Oh, is that what you were trying to get? Tell me, Thomas, is that the way Melissa Wainwright suckered you into this case? With her fluttering eyelashes and her smoldering looks? That is not what We'll talk about this later.
It doesn't say who took the boat out.
No crew listed.
Destination, Hilo.
Uh, Julie, are those the trip sheets for the Wainwright yacht? Could I take a look at them? I don't ordinarily let a man take a look at my trip sheets until the second date.
But, um, Thank you.
In this case, Tom What's this Williams' Island? That's the Wainwights' pwivate island.
It's near Hilo.
Hilo? Mmm.
Susan? Susan! Mmm? How would you like to meet a major religious leader? We are always pleased when you select Island Hoppers Tours, because our ultimate goal is to create those special memories that make the Hawaiian Islands truly a land of mystic enchantment.
There's no better way to see the wonders of Hawaii than from an Island Hoppers helicopter.
Your tour is in the hands of a skilled and experienced pilot, so sit back and enjoy the scenery.
As we fly over the surf line and the golden beaches, it's easy to imagine the first explorers to discover these islands.
What must their thoughts have been when, after weeks at sea, they saw this unspoiled paradise where bronzed, young natives frolicked naked in the waves There it is.
Miss Melissa.
Why would anyone want to spoil a beautiful boat with a name like Melissa? Thomas, this is the last time that I do this for you.
Sorry about the delay, Rabbi.
The gorgeous islands which we call Hawaii have their origin deep in the molten volcanic depths of the South Seas.
They are still being formed, as you can I know what you're thinking, but this time, you're wrong.
Sure, we'd all like reunions to be happy occasions, full of laughs, but they aren't always.
And usually, the anger and the fighting help to clear the air, and the relationships that survive grow stronger and more honest because of the experience.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
Any self-respecting shamus thrives on excitement, but there is a difference between excitement and terror.
I found myself swallowing a scream the size of a softball, and the only thing keeping my hand off the panic button was the cool confidence of my new partner.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
I had absolutely no business being in the jungle with a novice.
But what alternative did I have? I had accepted responsibility for Susan as my partner.
So it was up to me to see us through safely.
Susan, don't move! I said, "Don't move.
" You said "Don't moo!" What happened? You tripped a booby trap.
Oh, no! Oh, God! It's the oldest trick in the book.
Well, it's okay.
I'm sorry.
Susan, it could happen to anybody.
Are you all right? I feel humiliated! Well, do you have that knife in your purse? Here! What? You look like you're wearing King Kong's hairnet! It's okay.
You can come out now.
Huh? We know you're in there.
We do? William Wainwright, I presume.
All right, that's far enough.
Don't you think it's about time you put down the rifle, William? No, you don't, sonny.
You're not fast-talking your way out of this.
Oh, come on, Bill.
You're not gonna shoot the two people you led here to bring you back to life.
Don't talk to him! What Led? What are you talking about? Well, all the signs were there, if you really knew where to look.
For instance, the way you fell overboard that night.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right! Without any witnesses! I always thought that was awfully convenient.
Then, of course, there's this.
What's that? You see these scratches? Yeah.
They're made by a top-feeding clip.
Modern rifles use a bottom-feeding magazine.
Hey, I didn't know if you were gonna catch that one.
Well, that's why you left it behind for us, wasn't it, William? See, these marks from the stripper clip, plus the caliber of the cartridge, clearly indicate it came from an M1, a World War ll-vintage rifle.
Which, of course, is the war that William fought in.
Exactly.
So you're the one who shot at us.
You two are pretty good at this game! Say, I never would've hit you.
I'm a damned good shot, if I say so myself.
So it's been voyeurism all along.
What? Voyeurism.
He wanted to observe us without being seen himself.
It's a common trait among people who pretend to be dead.
You see, they like to hang around to see what happens afterwards.
Wait just a doggone minute.
That makes perfect sense.
And it's obvious why he did it.
Obvious? Exactly! Yes.
Because he's a self-made man, and then he has these rotten relatives He pretends to die, hoping his kids will band together and learn something about real life.
Don't be such a smart guy! But his little experiment goes over like a lead Edsel.
And there he is, stuck being dead, and that's where we come in.
You know, Susan, you really are very good.
Well No.
I really mean it.
And I think I owe you an apology.
Just 'cause I don't take Lucky Steele seriously doesn't mean I shouldn't have taken you seriously.
Why, Thomas No.
You've made some very clever deductions on this case.
Well, when you work with the best, your game is bound to go up a notch or two.
Hello? Pardon me for intruding, but if I'm gonna be resurrected today, we'd better get back to the boat.
Well, partner, I think we just solved a case.
We definitely solved a case.
What do you mean you solved the case? Did you find the will, Thomas? No, Melissa, it's been destroyed.
You found evidence against Melissa? No, Arthur, I'm sorry, I didn't.
Thomas, please don't toy with me.
You know how it upsets me.
All right, here's our solution.
Daddy? Oh, my God! Where were you? It's a long story, honey.
A long story.
For once you got nothing to say, huh? Well, this is a great day! You can't imagine how much I missed you.
Do all your cases turn out like this? Of course.
Drop it, Arthur.
I was wondering when you were gonna get around to this, Arthur.
You were right, Mr.
Magnum.
But I'd give anything if you hadn't been.
Here you are! I wondered where you got away What is it, Thomas? What's going on? Your brother was about to murder your father.
I knew it! Didn't I tell you he was vicious? Thank God you caught him, Thomas.
Well, unfortunately, I've also caught his accomplice.
You.
Me? What are you talking about? Well, your job was to keep me occupied until I heard shots, and then I'd rush in, and I guess Arthur would shoot me, too.
That is crazy, Thomas.
You know how much you mean to me.
I could never do anything to hurt you.
It won't work this time, Melissa.
I'm turning you in.
Please, Thomas.
Please don't do this.
We can be happy together.
I'm sorry, Melissa.
Not as sorry as you're going to be.
Great job, Lissy! Shut up, Artie, and get back over there with them! But we're partners, aren't we, Lis? Ha! And you were gonna dump me just as soon as you could, so forget it.
Well, Mr.
Magnum, it seems as though I've finally gotten my children to work together on something.
Well, don't worry about it, William.
See, Melissa has forgotten that I work with a partner.
In fact, Susan has you covered right now.
Nice try, Thomas.
You don't think I'd leave a potential murder victim unguarded, do you? Okay, Susan, you can come out now.
This is it, Susan! Pick your spot! Just so we can end this little charade, Thomas, I want you to go over there and open that closet door very carefully.
The closet? Go on! If Susan were in the closet, it wouldn't be a very good time to shoot, because I'd be in the line of fire.
No, sir.
Don't shoot when I open the door of the closet.
Freeze, tramp, or you're wallpaper.
I told you to hide in the closet! I know! But Lucky always says to pick the most bizarre spot you can find.
All right, Melissa, I strongly suggest that you drop that gun, because you've never been one of my favorite people.
I'm afraid not.
You see, Thomas has entertained me a couple of times with stories about how bad you are with a gun.
All right, Melissa, I want you to pay very close attention.
I guess I understated Susan's skill a little for comic effect.
Drop it.
Don't do it.
You have no idea how much it hurts to be shot.
I mean the bullet rips into the flesh, and then it tumbles around, it's All right! Just shut up about it! Please, Melissa, put it down.
It won't do you any good anyway.
This afternoon at 6:00 I married Louise.
Your secretary? Arthur? Artie! Oh, Artie! Nice right cross.
And that was about the most amazing shot I've ever seen.
Well, actually I was aiming for the lamp.
I figured you could jump Melissa in the dark.
You've had so much practice.
I can't believe Lucky Steele has a placement service! Isn't it great? Thomas, if I do well in this interview, I'll be a private investigator in Los Angeles! But, Susan, you could make a living here.
L.
A.
Is so exciting, Thomas.
I'll have an office on Wilshire Boulevard, with a glass door and a ceiling fan, and a male secretary I'll call "Doll Face.
" I'd better go.
I don't wanna be late.
Well, just don't go getting locked up in any small rooms with anybody else but me.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Thomas, if you ever need me to help you out with a case, that's all you have to do, is just pick up the longhorn and give me a jingle, and I'll be here before you can say, "Book 'em, Danno.
" I'm gonna miss you, Susan.
Me, too.
Well, So long, partner.
You didn't It's a little tricky.
You better let me.
Arthur's getting a little desperate.
Where's your gun? It's in the shop.
You call yourself a professional! Why don't you join forces and look for it together.
Don't move.
I'd be very happy if I never saw you again.
Fine.
Fine! I got his answering machine again.
At least he could've called.
So damn irresponsible.
Twenty minutes late is irresponsible.
He was due over an hour ago.
Wonder if he's in some kind of trouble? You bet he's in trouble.
With me! Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
You're sorry? You're sorry! I lay out 200 bucks to Jerry Kanelo because you tell me that he's the best marlin guide around, and now you just waste half our fishing time.
And remember, I have to get back for a 3:00 charter.
Come on T.
C.
, not you, too.
Can't you get someone else to fly the charter? I would've been here sooner, but I had someone after me.
It's a package deal.
Each day this week, I have to take a different religious leader to that conference over on Hilo.
You are gonna pay your full share.
You know, they almost had me at the estate but I slipped away.
Who almost had you? What're you talking about? Mrs.
Murtaugh's process servers.
You know, the woman who lives near the estate? She's suing her next-door neighbor.
See, his Dalmatian supposedly ravished her Shih Tzu, And she is claiming that I happened to see it when I was jogging by.
So, she's trying to subpoena me.
And you're trying to avoid being served? Exactly.
I'm not spending a month in court waiting to testify that I didn't see anything.
So, as of now, I am officially on the lam.
You don't know me, you haven't seen me.
I don't wanna know you.
Are we going fishing or not? Yeah, it sounds like a great way to get lost for half a day.
Excuse me.
Thomas Magnum? Me? No.
Absolutely not.
Who told you that? Uh, Jonathan Higgins said I might be able to find him here, and a waitress just pointed you out.
Oh! Rosine? She just can't get us straight.
I'm not Thomas Magnum.
I'm Earl, Thomas Magnum's brother.
Right, guys? Right, it's his brother.
Yeah, good old Earl.
I really needed to see him.
I don't suppose you're a detective, too? A private investigator? No, I'm an exterminator.
What am I gonna do now? I I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I'm Melissa Wainwright.
Oh.
If you see your brother, would you please tell him that I want to hire him right away, and I'll pay him anything he asks? Maybe if I could tell him a little bit about the case? All right.
Uh It's kind of personal.
I think I know where we could be a little more private.
Excuse me.
Oh, Earl, I don't even know where to start.
Your brother came highly recommended.
I need his help urgently.
I - I don't have anybody else to advise me.
At least, not anymore.
It's just that I've been so confused since it happened.
I lost my father in a boating accident three weeks ago.
I'm still in mourning.
Gee, I'm sorry.
Thank you, Mr.
Magnum.
Look, Miss Wainwright, I think I owe you an apology.
When you came to the table, I really didn't think you were a client.
I don't understand.
Well, I thought you were someone else, someone I didn't wanna see.
Actually, I am Thomas Magnum.
You tricked me? Is that how you have fun with your friends? No, believe me, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, please.
Please, look.
Miss Wainwright, I'm sorry.
I didn't intend to fool you or make light of your situation.
I'd like to help you if I can.
It's my brother, Arthur.
I Maybe this is a mistake.
I should go.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, this is a mistake.
No, come on, it's all right.
I mean, you've gone this far.
This is gonna sound so terrible.
Well, just take a deep breath and tell me.
I think my brother may have killed our father and stolen his will.
Well, that's quite a statement.
If you have some proof, the police No, I don't, at least nothing substantial.
Arthur was being disinherited, and he was on the boat the night my father fell overboard, and now Dad's will is missing.
Circumstantial evidence.
Well, maybe I could shore it up for you.
It's not all.
Arthur claims to be looking for the will.
He called and he asked me to meet him tonight at one of Dad's warehouses.
I'm afraid to go, Mr.
Magnum.
Well, don't.
Just don't.
I'll go, and I'll talk to Arthur and see if I can find out what he's up to.
That is, if you still wanna hire me.
Yes, I do.
Thank you, Mr.
Magnum.
Thomas.
Melissa.
Yo! Yo! Hey you, big guy! A little help! Thomas Magnum! Dutton? Consider yourself officially served.
Process serving? Is that the kind of case you're taking now? I'm sorry, Magnum, but all's fair in business and war.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
There are few things more dangerous than getting in the middle of a family quarrel.
Especially a family quarrel over a large fortune.
Ask any cop, and he'll tell you more policemen are injured answering family disturbance calls than any other kind.
It's like that old love song says, "You always hurt the one you love.
" And anyone else who happens to be in the line of fire.
Well, I wasn't planning to make the 10:00 news the hard way.
Melissa? No.
Better give it up, bud, or I'll ventilate you.
I have a theory.
You wanna hear it? No! I think you're a woman pretending to be a man.
A bullet doesn't care whose hand pulls the trigger! I also think you read too many detective novels.
Hey.
You wouldn't happen to be a tall, average-looking guy with a mustache, would you? What if I am? Did you ever spend a weekend in a bank vault with a stunning brunette? Susan? Thomas? Susan Johnson? I don't believe it! Oh, Thomas.
I am so glad to see you.
I had no idea you were back in town.
Yeah, well, surprise! How's the saxophone-playing? Excellent.
And you're not back at the bank.
No, I was.
I went back.
I thought you were quitting.
Well, I did but I went Well, I was working there while I was studying at the, uh, Lucky Steele Detective School.
Lucky Steele? Yeah.
The guy on late-night TV? Susan, come on, his hair isn't even real.
Well, maybe not, but my license is.
I got it three weeks ago and this is my first case.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
Do you think maybe we could continue talking outside? This is a little bit too déjà vu for me.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
We have this habit of getting locked in little rooms.
Don't say "locked.
" Don't.
Yeah.
Don't kid around, Thomas.
Who's kidding? It's stuck.
You did it again! You locked us in here! We're trapped! No, I haven't! Of course, it might take us a couple minutes to get out.
Thomas, are you representing Melissa Wainwright? Didn't Lucky Steele tell you about client confidentiality? Oh, you sap.
She is vicious! She is a vicious, vicious woman! She probably murdered her father.
Arthur warned me.
He told me that she might send a hit man here tonight.
Oh, is that why you tried to "ventilate" me? I didn't try to ventilate you, all right? You came in here bellowing like that, and you startled me and my gun went off, okay? I don't want to fight with you, Susan.
I just want to help you.
It seems Arthur Wainwright has pulled the oldest trick in the book on you.
He's reversed all the facts in this case.
In reality, Arthur did all the things that he's accusing Melissa of.
Oh.
Well, in that case, where'd the little witch hide the will? If you want the will, I suggest you go ask Arthur! And to think that I have always looked up to you as a model investigator.
Oh! What do you think you're doing? Oh, heck! My TV must have been on the blink the night that Lucky Steele taught us how to open a lock with a corkscrew.
Night, Thomas.
Susan? Susan.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
I felt bad about ending up in competition with a stand-up guy like Thomas.
I'd always liked his style.
In fact, he had a lot to do with my deciding to join the Flatfoot Fraternity.
The first thing I learned at Lucky Steele's Detective School was that a savvy P.
I.
Doesn't think much of the human condition.
We always suspect everyone.
And that's why we're so rarely disappointed.
I wasn't ready to panic, but the palm of my shifting hand was starting to itch.
And since my heap had the horses, I decided to use them.
I had to hope the gumshoe gods were watching over me.
What a bozo.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
Reunions are a two-edged sword.
They can be joyous occasions or recipes for disaster.
I remember when I was six or seven, the Sullivan clan took over half the city park for the weekend.
By the end of the first day, a huge argument began between cousins about something near and dear to Sullivan hearts.
Probably land or politics or poetry.
I can still remember asking Grandpa Sullivan why the family was fighting.
And he said, "Thomas, you can only get really angry "at those who love you enough to forgive you.
" Nice surveillance car.
Very subtle.
I got mine free.
So, how'd you get out of the storage room? Easy.
I can always get out.
I was just having some fun with you.
Right.
Is this your investigative technique? Following me? Don't flatter yourself.
I've come here to see Arthur.
He won't be here.
Melissa is staying here.
Well, this was the address he gave me.
Thomas! I've been waiting for you.
I tried to tell you.
Susan! At last! I tried to tell you.
Thomas, it was so good to see you standing at that door.
When I found out that Arthur had also sent an investigator to that warehouse, I was petrified.
I tried to call you and warn you.
Oh, I appreciate that, Melissa, but I do this for a living.
You don't have to worry about me.
I can't help it.
If anything happened to you, then I'd be all alone again.
Isn't it, uh, kind of risky? I mean, living in the same house with somebody who might want to kill you? I take precautions, yes.
Because you see, Melissa is the kind of person that would try to hire someone to do her dirty work for her.
What would have happened if I had met Magnum in a dark warehouse? Well, it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
You are the greatest, Susan.
Listen, Thomas, I think I have good news.
I may know where my father hid the will.
Daddy has this small cabin on the windward side.
He used to disappear there and work on his inventions.
Does Arthur know about this? I don't think he remembers.
Oh, I should warn you, it's a tiny place on a remote section of the North Shore, and there's no security.
Well, it sounds like just the kind of place an eccentric like your father might use.
I'll check it out in the morning.
I think a woman with your sense of adventure would simply love sailing.
It is absolutely my favorite thing in the whole wide world.
At least, it was, until Dad Oh, no, Arthur, it will be again.
Just as soon as we get this sordid nightmare buried in the past.
Thomas, I hope you find that will soon.
I think Arthur's getting a little desperate.
He is? I know he doesn't look it, but he's capable of extreme violence.
He'd stoop to anything.
Magnum, you promised to help me get ready for Sunday's lawn bowling tournament.
But I'm on the Wainwright case now.
Very well, but the least you can do is assist in unloading the equipment.
How long have you known the Wainwrights, Higgins? I first met William in Burma, 1944.
He was with Merrill's Marauders.
I was helping train one of the local Burmese defense forces.
I sometimes think you met everyone during the war.
Nevertheless, that's where I first encountered William.
During monsoon season, he constructed this snowshoe contraption made of vines and jungle leaves to keep us from sinking into that knee-deep muck.
Sounds like a very resourceful guy.
Quite.
Two hours after we cleared the camp, an air strike leveled everything around.
I'm one of several hundred soldiers who owes his life to William Wainwright's inventiveness.
No kidding.
Sounds like a great story for your memoirs, Higgins.
Here, you better let me Higgins! Are you crazy? You could have hurt yourself, not to mention me! Merely a small miscalculation of relative weight distribution.
The only harm done was Naturally, I'll be happy to replace the contents.
No! No, no, don't worry about it.
It's just a little something.
Nevertheless, I'm responsible for the damage.
No, no, they're knitted potholders.
You know, the flatter they get, the better they work.
I'm afraid I must insist.
Boy, am I late! Oh, my God! What are you doing here? My job.
Aha! What do you think you're doing? Let me go.
Congratulations.
Where's your gun? It's in the shop.
Where? It's in the shop! I bent the firing pin You what? I bent the firing pin hammering my way out of the storage room.
And you call yourself a professional! By the way, pro, before you return fire, I suggest you put some bullets in your gun.
Forget it.
He's gone.
Don't you mean she's gone? No, I don't! And only a rookie like you would still think that sweet, lovely Melissa could be involved in this.
"Sweet, lovely Melissa"? "Rookie"? May I remind you that this rookie was the one who had the experience to be packing iron when the lead started flying.
Packing iron? Oh, that's right, because I was about to get plugged.
About to plunge headlong down the dark rabbit hole of existence to that neon Valhalla where the drinks are pure and the women aren't.
Are you making fun of me? Yes, I am.
Okay.
Okay, that does it.
You know what I want from you from now on? What? Nothing.
Good! And you know something else? I'd be very happy if I never saw you again.
That's fine with me.
Fine.
Fine! Fine.
Fine! Fine! Magnum? Magnum? Magnum! The gunsmith has repaired your pistol, and his estimate on my Webley is $175.
A hundred and Okay, fine, fine.
I said I'd pay for it.
There's also someone here to see you.
Nice looking coat.
What is it, unborn linoleum? Is that the excellent playing you were telling me about? Miss Johnson wants to talk with you.
Why? Wait a minute.
You told me he wanted to talk to me.
He does.
He just doesn't know it yet.
What are you doing, Higgins? The question is, what are you doing? In the past three hours, I've received separate phone calls from Melissa and Arthur Wainwright.
Well, why are they calling you? To complain that the two of you are impeding one another's progress on the case and, in general, behaving like self-absorbed adolescents.
In other words, much like Melissa and Arthur themselves.
Well, I can only speak for myself, but my investigation is ongoing.
Mine, too.
And it's going quite well.
Nonsense.
Can't the two of you be professional enough to stop this squabbling and declare a truce? Well, it's all right with me.
But he started it.
I did not! You did, too! Okay! Truce! Thank you.
I hope you'll both be equally adult about my next proposal.
You're both looking for the same will And the truth about what happened to William Wainwright.
Then why don't you join forces and look for it together? Together? Us? Higgins.
Uh, you don't know what you're asking.
There are so many reasons why that wouldn't work.
Please proceed.
I have nothing planned for this afternoon.
Yes, I'd like to hear some of those reasons myself.
No, don't.
Don't play again.
I know what you're thinking.
I made a big mistake by letting Higgins talk me into joining forces with Susan.
And you may be right.
But I've always felt it's better to have your mistake right at your elbow than popping up when you least expect it.
I know what you're thinking.
I'd broken a P.
I.
Commandment by teaming up with someone else.
But my gut instinct said this partnership had a future.
It felt good to be part of a well-oiled investigative team attacking a tough case.
Two-fisted action, witty repartee, and who knows, maybe a touch of hearts and flowers.
All right.
Now, just hang back and watch how I handle this situation.
Right.
Gail! Oh, God, it's good to see you.
You're not Gail, I'm sorry.
No, I'm Julie.
Julie Marsh.
But I'd be willing to change my name.
That's not necessary, Julie.
I'm sorry, I'm Thomas Magnum.
No kidding.
Oh, this is Susan Johnson.
I've always loved the name Tom.
It's so strong, so sensual So easy to spell.
Is there something I could do for you? Well, I hope so.
I really hope so.
Actually, you could do it for both of us.
Right.
Uh, we're trying to locate a yacht that's berthed here.
It's the Wainwight The Wainwright yacht.
Why, Tom, you know I can't tell you where people keep their boats.
What if you turned out to be a criminal? Well, you could always frisk me first.
That might be interesting.
Is there a fire hose around here? Just in case.
But unfortunately the Wainwright yacht is out.
I thought so.
Arthur took it.
I don't think it was Arthur.
I can check the trip sheets.
It might say.
Could you? Thanks! What are you doing? I'm trying to get some information, here.
Oh, is that what you were trying to get? Tell me, Thomas, is that the way Melissa Wainwright suckered you into this case? With her fluttering eyelashes and her smoldering looks? That is not what We'll talk about this later.
It doesn't say who took the boat out.
No crew listed.
Destination, Hilo.
Uh, Julie, are those the trip sheets for the Wainwright yacht? Could I take a look at them? I don't ordinarily let a man take a look at my trip sheets until the second date.
But, um, Thank you.
In this case, Tom What's this Williams' Island? That's the Wainwights' pwivate island.
It's near Hilo.
Hilo? Mmm.
Susan? Susan! Mmm? How would you like to meet a major religious leader? We are always pleased when you select Island Hoppers Tours, because our ultimate goal is to create those special memories that make the Hawaiian Islands truly a land of mystic enchantment.
There's no better way to see the wonders of Hawaii than from an Island Hoppers helicopter.
Your tour is in the hands of a skilled and experienced pilot, so sit back and enjoy the scenery.
As we fly over the surf line and the golden beaches, it's easy to imagine the first explorers to discover these islands.
What must their thoughts have been when, after weeks at sea, they saw this unspoiled paradise where bronzed, young natives frolicked naked in the waves There it is.
Miss Melissa.
Why would anyone want to spoil a beautiful boat with a name like Melissa? Thomas, this is the last time that I do this for you.
Sorry about the delay, Rabbi.
The gorgeous islands which we call Hawaii have their origin deep in the molten volcanic depths of the South Seas.
They are still being formed, as you can I know what you're thinking, but this time, you're wrong.
Sure, we'd all like reunions to be happy occasions, full of laughs, but they aren't always.
And usually, the anger and the fighting help to clear the air, and the relationships that survive grow stronger and more honest because of the experience.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
Any self-respecting shamus thrives on excitement, but there is a difference between excitement and terror.
I found myself swallowing a scream the size of a softball, and the only thing keeping my hand off the panic button was the cool confidence of my new partner.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right.
I had absolutely no business being in the jungle with a novice.
But what alternative did I have? I had accepted responsibility for Susan as my partner.
So it was up to me to see us through safely.
Susan, don't move! I said, "Don't move.
" You said "Don't moo!" What happened? You tripped a booby trap.
Oh, no! Oh, God! It's the oldest trick in the book.
Well, it's okay.
I'm sorry.
Susan, it could happen to anybody.
Are you all right? I feel humiliated! Well, do you have that knife in your purse? Here! What? You look like you're wearing King Kong's hairnet! It's okay.
You can come out now.
Huh? We know you're in there.
We do? William Wainwright, I presume.
All right, that's far enough.
Don't you think it's about time you put down the rifle, William? No, you don't, sonny.
You're not fast-talking your way out of this.
Oh, come on, Bill.
You're not gonna shoot the two people you led here to bring you back to life.
Don't talk to him! What Led? What are you talking about? Well, all the signs were there, if you really knew where to look.
For instance, the way you fell overboard that night.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right! Without any witnesses! I always thought that was awfully convenient.
Then, of course, there's this.
What's that? You see these scratches? Yeah.
They're made by a top-feeding clip.
Modern rifles use a bottom-feeding magazine.
Hey, I didn't know if you were gonna catch that one.
Well, that's why you left it behind for us, wasn't it, William? See, these marks from the stripper clip, plus the caliber of the cartridge, clearly indicate it came from an M1, a World War ll-vintage rifle.
Which, of course, is the war that William fought in.
Exactly.
So you're the one who shot at us.
You two are pretty good at this game! Say, I never would've hit you.
I'm a damned good shot, if I say so myself.
So it's been voyeurism all along.
What? Voyeurism.
He wanted to observe us without being seen himself.
It's a common trait among people who pretend to be dead.
You see, they like to hang around to see what happens afterwards.
Wait just a doggone minute.
That makes perfect sense.
And it's obvious why he did it.
Obvious? Exactly! Yes.
Because he's a self-made man, and then he has these rotten relatives He pretends to die, hoping his kids will band together and learn something about real life.
Don't be such a smart guy! But his little experiment goes over like a lead Edsel.
And there he is, stuck being dead, and that's where we come in.
You know, Susan, you really are very good.
Well No.
I really mean it.
And I think I owe you an apology.
Just 'cause I don't take Lucky Steele seriously doesn't mean I shouldn't have taken you seriously.
Why, Thomas No.
You've made some very clever deductions on this case.
Well, when you work with the best, your game is bound to go up a notch or two.
Hello? Pardon me for intruding, but if I'm gonna be resurrected today, we'd better get back to the boat.
Well, partner, I think we just solved a case.
We definitely solved a case.
What do you mean you solved the case? Did you find the will, Thomas? No, Melissa, it's been destroyed.
You found evidence against Melissa? No, Arthur, I'm sorry, I didn't.
Thomas, please don't toy with me.
You know how it upsets me.
All right, here's our solution.
Daddy? Oh, my God! Where were you? It's a long story, honey.
A long story.
For once you got nothing to say, huh? Well, this is a great day! You can't imagine how much I missed you.
Do all your cases turn out like this? Of course.
Drop it, Arthur.
I was wondering when you were gonna get around to this, Arthur.
You were right, Mr.
Magnum.
But I'd give anything if you hadn't been.
Here you are! I wondered where you got away What is it, Thomas? What's going on? Your brother was about to murder your father.
I knew it! Didn't I tell you he was vicious? Thank God you caught him, Thomas.
Well, unfortunately, I've also caught his accomplice.
You.
Me? What are you talking about? Well, your job was to keep me occupied until I heard shots, and then I'd rush in, and I guess Arthur would shoot me, too.
That is crazy, Thomas.
You know how much you mean to me.
I could never do anything to hurt you.
It won't work this time, Melissa.
I'm turning you in.
Please, Thomas.
Please don't do this.
We can be happy together.
I'm sorry, Melissa.
Not as sorry as you're going to be.
Great job, Lissy! Shut up, Artie, and get back over there with them! But we're partners, aren't we, Lis? Ha! And you were gonna dump me just as soon as you could, so forget it.
Well, Mr.
Magnum, it seems as though I've finally gotten my children to work together on something.
Well, don't worry about it, William.
See, Melissa has forgotten that I work with a partner.
In fact, Susan has you covered right now.
Nice try, Thomas.
You don't think I'd leave a potential murder victim unguarded, do you? Okay, Susan, you can come out now.
This is it, Susan! Pick your spot! Just so we can end this little charade, Thomas, I want you to go over there and open that closet door very carefully.
The closet? Go on! If Susan were in the closet, it wouldn't be a very good time to shoot, because I'd be in the line of fire.
No, sir.
Don't shoot when I open the door of the closet.
Freeze, tramp, or you're wallpaper.
I told you to hide in the closet! I know! But Lucky always says to pick the most bizarre spot you can find.
All right, Melissa, I strongly suggest that you drop that gun, because you've never been one of my favorite people.
I'm afraid not.
You see, Thomas has entertained me a couple of times with stories about how bad you are with a gun.
All right, Melissa, I want you to pay very close attention.
I guess I understated Susan's skill a little for comic effect.
Drop it.
Don't do it.
You have no idea how much it hurts to be shot.
I mean the bullet rips into the flesh, and then it tumbles around, it's All right! Just shut up about it! Please, Melissa, put it down.
It won't do you any good anyway.
This afternoon at 6:00 I married Louise.
Your secretary? Arthur? Artie! Oh, Artie! Nice right cross.
And that was about the most amazing shot I've ever seen.
Well, actually I was aiming for the lamp.
I figured you could jump Melissa in the dark.
You've had so much practice.
I can't believe Lucky Steele has a placement service! Isn't it great? Thomas, if I do well in this interview, I'll be a private investigator in Los Angeles! But, Susan, you could make a living here.
L.
A.
Is so exciting, Thomas.
I'll have an office on Wilshire Boulevard, with a glass door and a ceiling fan, and a male secretary I'll call "Doll Face.
" I'd better go.
I don't wanna be late.
Well, just don't go getting locked up in any small rooms with anybody else but me.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Thomas, if you ever need me to help you out with a case, that's all you have to do, is just pick up the longhorn and give me a jingle, and I'll be here before you can say, "Book 'em, Danno.
" I'm gonna miss you, Susan.
Me, too.
Well, So long, partner.
You didn't It's a little tricky.
You better let me.