Malcolm in the Middle s03e07 Episode Script

Christmas

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Reese has had the remote for four hours.
That's four hours of mindless crap in five second increments.
You go to the bathroom, you lose the remote! Fine.
I can wait.
I dunno.
You drank a lot of soda.
It must really be pressing on your bladder.
Not gonna work.
THEN I had four glasses of Dad's iced tea.
He just kept POURING and POURING.
Not gonna work.
The equivalent of 3 semi-trailers of water pour over the falls every second.
Not gonna work.
(LOUD SLURPING) Not gonna .
.
work! Turns out this is way better than anything on TV.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Alright, turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it NO! Too far.
Go back! Back, back, back, back, back, back.
THERE THERE THERE there! Just three more inches clockwise and Wh-wh-wh-whoa, whoa! easy Back a coupla degrees, steady.
.
YES! Perfect! Haha! Oh.
These needles are going against the grain.
That'll be ALL I'll see! Don't move! Spend a couple of days with Grandma.
You can leave right after Christmas! I am NOT visiting that woman! She's EVIL and she HATES me! Francis, it's Grandma's first Christmas since Grandpa died and you're closest.
How can you be so selfish? Did you invite her there? She's knows she's always welcome.
Maybe we'll come and surprise you.
Don't you threaten ME! I am ending this discussion! You are going to White Horse.
You are going to buy her a gift.
You will both have a proper Christmas! (LAUGHTER / SMASH!) I hate you! Get this off of me, you stupid son of a- BOYS! Dewey asked us to do it! What is wrong with you?! The tree is barely in the door and already you're starting I can't leave you alone for a second without you trying to kill each other! This is supposed to be a HAPPY TIME! I dunno what it is, but Mom freaks out every Christmas.
(CHEERY CHRISTMAS SONGS ON HI-FI) Ho ho ho! Who did this?! Who did this?! Drop and roll, honey! Who did this?! For God's sakes, drop and roll! Maybe it's the lack of sunlight.
That can mess with people's brains.
Hi, Grandma.
Oh, sh God sake's, it's colder in here.
Don't you turn the heat on? I'm not paying those pirates.
Of course not.
Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
I never know what you're talking about.
You talk like a jackass.
(CRUNCH!) (# CARD PLAYS JINGLE BELLS) You do this to torture me, hurt me?! You don't like Christmas music? It sounds like a song they sang when they rode through villages throwing babies on the fire! They sang Jingle Bells? They sang something.
Well, look at that - 8pm already.
Way past bedtime.
Where do I sleep? You're sittin' on it.
Does it turn into a bed? Yes, it becomes a bed.
It's a special magic sofa(!) It opens up for magic lazy boy(!) The angels come and feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep.
It flies around the room granting wishes for boys what are STUPID! Alright, it doesn't fold out(!) Can I look yet? Just a minute.
Hey, this is from BOTH of us! I picked it out.
I stepped in it! HEY! Hey (LAUGHING / CRASHING) Gotcha! Mom.
How nice to see you home.
I HAVE HAD IT! What are you doing? I am taking everything! Every present, decoration and treat and locking it in the garage.
Every single Christmas, you burn or break or destroy, AND I AM PUTTING A STOP TO IT! She's stealing Christmas! You can't do this! It's the last year Dewey will believe in Santa.
What?! If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will BE a Christmas morning.
Otherwise, these go back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled! You wouldn't cancel Christmas.
You're bluffing.
(LOUD SOBBING) You cancelled Christmas?! No, I'm holding it hostage.
It seems harsh but nothing else has ever worked.
Every year we yell and threaten, bargain and beg Maybe this time they'll behave.
We're in this together.
I'm playing the unity card.
Bu- Unity card, Hal! But I love Christmas! I know you do, dear.
Is there anything that trumps the unity card? Hal? (CLICK) I really think we can win this 'Nam thing.
That's not for you.
That's for the carollers.
(HACKING COUGH) You ruin smoking for me.
You sound like you're dying.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?! You can't wait to get my things.
Yeah(!) I got big plans for these doilies(!) And that 30-year-old can of peaches.
Don't touch my peaches! Like I'm gonna (CAROL SINGERS APPROACH) (COUGHS) Stop that racket! People are trying to sleep! Your stupid music! No figgy pudding for you! Please pass the syrup, please.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
More coffee? Please.
I'll get it, Mom! It's OK.
I hope you'll let us wash the dishes.
Love to.
Absolutely.
Now, THAT I'll take you up on.
We can do this.
It's Christmas Eve and we've behaved for 10 hours.
OK, eight were asleep, but we can do another 24, right? Who wants the last waffle? I do! I do! I do! Oh, no! You know, I would really like that waffle.
Yes, but I am a growing boy.
Perhaps it would be best if I had the waffle Thanks for offering it to me, boys.
They're such good boys.
.
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I tried it.
It was a really lovely sensation.
It made me feel like velvet was covering my skin.
Like a "me" moment.
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Go on, get your own little luxury.
.
(ACCORDION MUSIC ON TV) (# JINGLE BELLS) (# JINGLE BE-) (# JINGLE BEL-) AARGHH! God, what the hell's wrong with you?! You like pushing me? That's what happens when you push, tough guy! Can't you do the entire family a favour and DIE! All you've ever done is treat us like dirt.
You shouldn't be ALLOWED to be a Grandma! Are you finished? YES! Yes, I AAARRGGGGHHHHH, GOD! Oh, I am SO sorry! I should've kissed your boo-boos and made dem better.
I was supposed to tell the bad little boy stories and bake you giant sugar cookies and knit you fluffy sweaters, carried you and held you, and told you how much I loved your diapers.
Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off? After Magnum PI.
Lois! I'm home! Honey, look, I saw something and I just HAD to get it for you.
It's a little more than we agreed to spend on each other but - hey, it's Christmas! - we got a whole year to follow rules! It's beautiful.
.
! I mean, isn't that what the season is all about? Relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy.
Hal, that's so sweet and thoughtful.
I hope I get to open it.
Rats! You're doin' it all wrong.
You've seven ornaments, I'm putting them on your tree - what's wrong? Go get the angel off the - hic! - mantel.
Who's this? That is your grandfather when he was - hic! - young man.
Euch! Tell me that eyebrow isn't genetic(!) You and him.
Both the same.
Always had to have your own way.
Nothing ever good enough.
Always had to fight everything.
Victor always had to be SO independent.
Left home when he was 11, lived on his own, go to work on farm, ploughin' the fields.
Like a man.
Worked 18 hours a day.
Had to sleep with the pigs.
But he never complained.
He was strong.
He made something of himself.
Nobody like that anymore.
Everybody's too soft.
Hey, Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that? Your grandfather was tough! He didn't take anything from anybody.
He was proud.
A man of honour.
He was a wonderful, .
.
wonderful man.
(MUMBLES IN RUSSIAN) (MUMBLES IN RUSSIAN) Grandma? Grandma? Oh! Oh, God! Just one more night.
We can get through one night! We should be proud.
Everything's put away.
And not a single fight.
We did it! We're going to get presents? We're gonna get presents.
What do we do now? We could take a nap? Or play quietly.
VERY quietly.
(SQUEAKS) (GASPS) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Oh, God I will be so glad when Christmas is over! Then we'll be safe for another year.
Mom's doing this NEXT Christmas?! Why not? It worked, didn't it? And maybe not just Christmas! What? She could do it for Halloween or Fourth of July or birthdays?! She can't do this! I can't take any more! We have to stop her! Something drastic.
I'm in.
Mom needs to know she can't take occasions hostage.
That we DON'T negotiate! She turned a BEAUTIFUL family holiday into a nightmare.
We'll show her the TRUE spirit of Christmas.
First, you mustn't think of this as Christmas cider.
It's a non-denominational winter cider.
The boys are doing so well (GROANS) Lois? I'm a terrible mother! I shouldn't be allowed to have children.
Sweetie I've ruined Christmas! Whaddaya mean? The boys are behaving like I never knew they could! I thought that's what you wanted.
But not like this! I wanted to take it back five minutes after I took the presents but I didn't know how! I'M A MONSTER! No, you're not a monster! I am.
I really am.
No, you're not a monster.
WHY WON'T YOU ADMIT I'M A MONSTER?! Alright, in this particular case, you're a monster.
I know! (WAILS) (PHONE RINGS) Let the machine get it.
Come on! You know when you cry it makes me cry.
You are a WONDERFUL mother.
And you're a wonderful person.
(BEEP) "Hey, Mom.
Francis.
I am DISGUSTED with how you treat Grandma!" "Abandoning a helpless old woman at Christmas? I hope you're ASHAMED!" I am I am.
Hal, the boys don't deserve this.
They're a little high-spirited, but they're GOOD, GOOD boys! God, this feels so right! This is WAY better than real Christmas! Remember, mess 'em up just enough so Mom can't return them.
Wait a minute Mom got me the exact video game I asked for.
These are better than what I asked for.
You know what? Mom got me everything I wanted.
Me, too.
She listened to us.
OK, so she got lucky a few times.
I never asked for a stupid globe! That's mine.
The cleats are yours.
Oh.
Mom really tried this year.
All she wanted was a nice Christmas.
And we ruined it.
In all fairness, we ruin everything.
Remember, how happy we were a minute ago.
Can we go back? I dunno.
Do we have any paint left? No.
Oh, well What are you doing? Doin' you a favour, so why not shut up and enjoy it.
What is this? Oh, you don't wanna look in there, it's too sad.
Grandma, what are all these things? There must be a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here.
$2,735.
$4500 Canadian.
Why are they in your closet? They're gifts.
For the family, for relatives, for friends But you never give Oh, my God! Donatello with pizza-throwing action?! I wanted one of these when I was six! I know.
I bought it for you.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
And then, right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone you call me "Poopy" and hung up.
Is that the breadmaker Mom wanted last year? If she wants bread so much she should write back when her mother writes to her.
This was for cousin Nicola.
I spent a day shopping for it.
Then she marries a Protestant.
That camera? For your father.
Then he refused to drive me to the liquor store.
All the nice things I do for people.
Oh, my god, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts! What are you talking about? Grandma, gifts aren't conditional.
You give them to people because you love them! They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight! You're not teaching people anything They don't KNOW they've upset you! You've just constructed a monument to your insanity! WHAT SORT OF PERSON DOES THAT? A lonely, .
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bitter, old woman.
What? Look what I've done.
What use is all this to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness.
Instead they rot here.
Oh Grandma? My hea heart.
I think it's melting.
Yes It's melting.
Oh You showed me the way, Francis, by yelling at me.
Go get my magic sled and me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust! Are you sure you wanna do this? Yes! I mean, taking presents away from children?! What sort of sick person does that?! Let's get everything out of the garage and set it up inside and have a nice Christmas! You know what? Let's wake up the boys and have Christmas tonight! Imagine their little faces! Well, Hal, that was .
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smart of you to wake up the boys .
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so they could help us carry in the presents.
Yes, yes C-come on hurry up, boys.
Yeah Sure OK (# JINGLE BELLS) I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakushnik! (# JINGLE BELLS CONTINUES) (# JINGLE BEL) (JINGLE BELLS HEARD OUTSIDE) You're a klebleck! (CHEERY CHRISTMAS MUSIC) Oh, roller skates! I hope you like 'em, sweetie! I think we have another present here for Reese! I wonder what it is?! This really is the best Christmas we've ever had! I dunno why we didn't try this whole denial thing a long time ago.
BELL CROWD NOISE/CHEERING Make your skin feel: Skin Contact.
BELL