Malcolm in the Middle s03e13 Episode Script

Reese Drives

Dewey? (SIGHS) Come on out, honey! How does he know he's going to the doctor? I certainly didn't say anything! Dewey? Son? Dewey? Dewey, come on out! We love you, son.
Dewey, come on, we're gonna be late! Oh, poor little thing.
Go start the car.
# "Boss Of Me" - They Might Be Giants Awesome dinner, Mom! Those are the best fish sticks I've ever had! Seriously, I don't know how you do it.
The microwave.
But for the perfect amount of time.
I'd better clear my plate and start my homework.
I thought he was sick, but tomorrow he's old enough to get his learner's permit.
He's on his best behaviour until he passes the test.
Can I get anyone a nice cup of peppermint tea? Helps digestion.
Mom and Dad have been looking for any excuse to ground him, but he hasn't screwed up once in three weeks! It's actually getting kinda boring.
Aah! Didn't think so.
Remember, Dad, you're picking me up from school to take me to the DNV.
I wouldn't miss it, son.
(Dear God, what are we gonna do?) (What can we do? He hasn't done anything.
) (It's Reese! We haven't looked hard enough.
) We're gonna have to face it, that kid is gonna be mobile.
Reese surrounded by and 20 gallons of explosive fuel?! It's like giving a shark a sub-machine gun! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hey, Dad.
Francis! Hi, how are you? We haven't heard from you in so long! Yeah.
You know how I've always been impulsive and independent-minded, but basically just unlucky? What? Well, there's been a certain incident here and without going into the blame game, let's just say there's been some damages.
That's why you're calling? No, you can't do that any more.
You're on your own, you've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't run to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble! I'm not running to my parents, I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult loan.
No! You've made whatever mess you've made and you take care of it! I have been taking care of it! I got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for fur-lined boots.
I got Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth.
As you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! And that's where you (SIGHS) Hey, Dave! You know that digital camera Bernie got that you like? Yeah? Well, what would you pay if I could get it for you? You can get Bernie to give up his camera? Absolutely! I've been waiting for this my whole life! Once I'm driving, everything changes.
I've got to stay out of trouble for the next 16 hours and I'm home free! How's that? A little tighter on this side.
OK, you're all set.
Now, remember, do not untie me until the morning, no matter what I say or how much I beg.
Got it.
Uh-oh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Too bad.
Just testing.
Thanks, buddy.
It's weird.
Reese suddenly doesn't seem as irritating as he used to.
It's amazing what a driver's licence can do for a relationship! Hi.
Dewey, I am warning you, if you even touch me, you can forget about me driving you anywhere for the rest of your life! I have nowhere to go.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hi, Lois, it's Craig.
I can't talk right now, er, I'm on the other line.
Only take a second.
I have something to say to you that I only feel comfortable saying because we're like family.
Your son Malcolm is a filthy vandal.
What?! He threw eggs all over the front of my new apartment.
Him and his wheelchair friend.
They wanted some free candy, I said no, next thing I know, it's like D Day here.
Malcolm, get in here! You'd think I'd be the last person he'd target after I forgave your family for burning my old place down, which I'd like to remind you, I hardly ever mention.
Craig, I am so sorry! Well, boys will be boys.
All I want is for him to come over and clean it up.
If he could get me a non-fat latte along the way, that would be great.
Don't worry, he's on his way.
What is the matter with you, throwing eggs at Craig's door?! What are you talking about? I did it, I did it! You passed the test? I aced it! You got five wrong! Yeah, but I got If the DNV was running my school, I'd be, like, a C student! Well, congratulations.
Send the cheque to the driving school? Yes, Reese.
You sure you signed it? It's not gonna bounce? Everything is fine.
Just go there straight after school tomorrow.
You guys are the best! I promise when you're old and crazy, I'll drive to the home and visit you Maybe go for a drive round the park.
Would you like that? I can't wait(!) Why are you still here? Get over to Craig's, start cleaning! I didn't throw anything at his door, I swear! Why would a grown man lie about something like that?! I lied because I needed your help.
I finally got my insurance settlement.
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I figured you'd be comfortable with this.
I mean, the guys at the store couldn't find the graphic equalisers with two hands and a flashlight.
You got me here to hook up your stereo? Can't you get one of your friends to help you? And tick off the other friends I didn't ask? Malcolm, this goes far beyond just a stereo.
This is going to be the greatest entertainment centre ever.
Have you ever wanted to be the best at something? Not just good, I don't mean great, I mean the absolute best? I don't know.
Well, I have.
Ever since I was a kid watching Land of the Lost on my tiny black and white six inch.
I knew there'd be a day, a day when I could create my high-def universe.
A magical realm where fantasy and technology intersect on my every whim because I'm the King.
So your lifelong dream was to become the world's best TV watcher? Yeah.
I'm in! I still can't believe it! For the first time ever, I'm gonna be .
.
behind the wheel! (He keeps doing that.
) I have to go to Craig's after school.
You still have more to clean up? Yeah.
I made a hell of a mess.
Hey, Dewey, I want you to know there's no hard feelings about the last couple of weeks.
(Because you're gonna suffer every day for the next ten years.
) Yeah, they're brand new.
The college boy got 'em for me.
This is awesome! Willy's grandson will love this! Remember, you gotta get that sled team out to Camp Three before dark.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
You've driven dogs before, right? What do I look like? Stop worrying! Neil, you know how to drive a dog team? Yeah.
Do you still have a crush on Joe's sister? Yeah, but Joe won't let me date her just cos I'm Irish .
.
and I got a bounty on my head.
Lemme see what I can do.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Ooo, sorry! I'm sorry! Ooo, sorry! Damn it! I thought I paid this gas bill already! You're doin' great.
Turn right, you're ready for street drivin'.
What?! Jackie's been driving for half an hour! Her turn is over! It's only been 10 minutes, Reese! I've been timing you! You've been driving exactly 27 minutes.
You're gonna use up my turn! When did you learn to tell time? It's digital.
I can't believe I have to be in the same car as a low life like you! Oh, I'm a low life? You spend everyday at lunch sucking on a straw that's been under my armpit! You pig! That's it, I've had it! I don't even know what text messaging is, how can they charge me Malcolm? Don't connect those cables, their impedance values aren't equal! You'll get a reflected transmission.
That's what the scan modulation is for! Trust me, 480P is more than enough to take care of it.
Then I can't use the analogue pre-amp to play my SACDs.
You're tired, you're not thinking right! I'm using single-ended interconnects for the front left-right speakers! Are you mad? You can't do that! Just watch me.
I know it sounds weird, but this is the most fulfilling conversation I've had in weeks.
Shouldn't there be a signal to tell these cars to get out of the way? Does anyone see a thingy of stamps by their feet? It's been 45 minutes! I'm not gonna get my turn! OK, pull over.
Finally! I just need to go to the post office.
Oh, God, look at that line.
What are you doing? It's my turn! Oh, sorry, doesn't look like we'll have enough time.
But you got very valuable watching experience.
We'll get to you next week.
Slide over.
No way! (BELCHES) Ugh! I at least get to drive back to the stupid school.
I'm not going home without at least touching the steering wheel.
(SMASH!) What was that?! You crashed! No, I didn't.
The car's not even in drive! Yeah, well, you're behind the wheel, what are you gonna do now, hotshot? Ah! I'm so sorry, I Aaarrrggghhh! You're two clicks away from the new shape of lip colour.
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So, let's see, you've got grand theft auto, malicious crashing and what else? Oh, yeah, kidnapping me! I knew you'd go to prison, I just figured it'd be after prom.
Shut up and let me think about this! Do you realise you are driving 20mph on a freeway? I am not getting a speeding ticket on top of everything else! Will you just leave me alone and let me figure this out? (SIRENS WAIL) Ha! OK, don't panic, it's just a cop, that's nothing.
You can handle one stupid cop.
Oh, man! What are you doing? Aren't you pulling over? I don't know.
I think I'm still going.
If you're being chased by the cops and they say pull over, you have to.
That's the law! Yeah, well, even so You can't! You know, that's a really good plan, Reese.
There's just one little problem with it.
This is a driver's ed car! Oh! Those cheap sons of! (UPROAR) Don't start screaming at me about Francis! I haven't seen him! I spent hours digging post holes cos he promised me a satellite dish! He promised me a satellite dish! Where the hell's my George Foreman grill? I'm just as mad as the rest of you.
I'm pretty sure these teeth came off a dead guy.
Tastes like a Canadian.
Well, he's through taking advantage of me! Pierre, your identical American cousin is in a heap of trouble.
Oui.
Another half turn.
Easy! Easy, don't strip it.
Got it! Beautiful! Now all we have to do is adjust it.
Congratulations! It was pretty hairy, especially with the hub connectors.
Stripping quarter inch off the leads was inspiring.
I hardly remember it.
I was running on adrenaline! You know, Craig, I gotta tell you, this was a lot of fun.
I actually enjoyed spending time with you.
You didn't have to lie to get me over here.
Yes, I did.
Yeah, OK, but you wouldn't now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know, I'm sorry for all the times we made you miserable.
It's OK.
You're a good guy.
I like you.
Run down and check the signal, will ya? OK.
And try not to screw it up, buddy.
We're getting 42 percent! Try moving the dish a little to the right.
A little more! "A low-speed chase involving a teenager, a driver's ed car and what appears to be a hostage.
" "It all happened so fast.
They just took off.
" "With my chequebook and all my financial papers in the car.
" "That's not an excuse, I just hope that B of A understands the situation.
" "The hostage is unharmed, but it's a matter of time before police end it - one way or the other.
" Oh, no! Now they're never gonna let me drive! How's it looking? Malcolm? Malcolm! I can't hear you! You're not watching without me, are you? Whaa! Malcolm! Malcolm! (INDISTINCT TELEVISION BROADCAST) Just let me talk to him and I can end this in five minutes! I'm sorry, I don't think that's a good idea.
We have psychologists to handle kids in these situations.
We know how they think.
Think?! My son doesn't think! He's driving in circles.
He's made three laps around the city already! There's our dry-cleaner again.
Here's another picture of my brother you can show on TV.
Just get him on the phone and let me handle this.
I'm the only one who knows how.
Trust me, we have it under control.
Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen! You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is gonna get shot! Ma'am, that almost never happens.
Just get him on the phone! Tell him if he wants to see daylight again, he'll pull over this instant! "Your mother wants you to know that she loves you and" He has 10 seconds to pull over that car or I will! "Give you lots of hugs and kisses.
" You heard your mom, you're not in trouble.
Can you pull over now? That's not my mom.
Please, dear God, I know I haven't been a saint, but I swear, if you Ah! Aaaarrrggghhh! No, Daddy, this is not my fault, I'm just a passenger.
How is this making you look like a chump? I'm the one Hold on.
Hello? No! No, I'm on the other line.
If you wanna talk to him, use the bullhorn thingy! Hi, I'm back.
No, I was not talking to Mom, it was the Daddy, I don't care who she's No, I will not tell her! You have to stop putting me in Go ahead.
Go ahead, cancel the card, cancel all my cards! I'm gonna be in this car for the rest of my life, anyway.
OK, I've got an idea.
What? There's a railroad crossing about a mile ahead.
If we jump out a second before the train squashes the car, we can start new lives as circus people.
Reese, come on, this is getting scary.
What are you gonna do? "This is your last warning.
" "Pull over or you will be forced from the road.
" Jackie, I have to tell you something.
Just because I hate you doesn't mean I'm not sorry.
What? I didn't mean to get you into this! It's just that I'm not You know, I'm not very smart.
So when I get in trouble, I panic, then I do things that make it worse.
I'm really sorry.
And your dad is a tool.
Hey, I was just kidding about the kidnapping thing.
You have enough to worry about without me being a jerk about it.
Wait a second! Jackie, gimme your phone! I have a brother who's a total genius, he'll know what to do.
How many police cars are behind you? I don't know, eight, maybe nine.
What are we gonna do? There's no way out! Sometimes things look their darkest right before the sun breaks through.
And sometimes you just have to realise that the game is over and that you've lost.
The The only left thing to do is to stop running, stand up and face the consequences like a man.
And And even if the outcome is more horrible than you could've imagined, you can hold your head up high, show some class and end it with dignity.
Class? "For the love of God, stop! Argh!" Where is he going? He's turning.
# "In Too Deep" - Sum 41 Wow! Nice! .
.
It was! OK, that's impressive.
Look, he's pulling over! I think he's gonna parallel park! No way! The spot is way too small! He hasn't given himself enough space! He did it! Now just get out of the damn car, please! Reese, that was amazing! Listen, when the kids at school ask you about this, .
.
tell them I got under your bra.
I'll call the lawyer and have him meet us there.
Give 'em a reason, give 'em a reason! "The suspect appears to be resisting.
" "Oh, looks like they're taking out the pepper spray.
" "Argh! Argh!" Why do we have to have to dress like this? It's his hearing! I want the judge to see that Reese comes from a respectable family that loves him very much! Why aren't they trying him as an adult? Come on, we gotta go! I have to go to Craig's.
He's getting his cast off and wants me to videotape it.
Craig's talking already? Good for him! I was really creeped out by that one blink yes, two blinks no stuff.
No, you got it the other way around.
One blink means no.
So the soup was too hot! # "Boss Of Me" - They Might Be Giants