Malcolm in the Middle s04e02 Episode Script

Humilithon

(phone ringing) Hello.
Dad, hi.
Oh, Francis.
- How's the new job? - Oh, it's good.
- I'm learning all kinds - of new things.
I got lots of responsibility.
- I'm actually making - some good money.
Hey, good for you.
Dad, listen, I know I owe you guys a lot of money - and I want to start - paying you back.
So I'm sending you $50 this month, and then my plan is What do you need $50 for? No, I'm sending you $50.
Francis, I can't spare $50.
No, I'm sending you the money Just give him the $50.
We have to go.
All right, your mother says it's okay, but we have to go.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
It's the first day of school.
Everyone else is bummed, - but I'm actually excited - about it.
- I'm officially done - with junior high.
I'm not a Krelboyne anymore.
I can be whatever I want to be.
I don't have to worry about labels or cliques or who's cool.
I'm going into high school.
By the way, this is an excited twitch, not a nervous twitch.
Can we please just eat our breakfast and stop all this complaining? But I don't understand.
Why do we have to volunteer for the whole first week? Because we got caught, Hal.
- We ducked out - for 12 years.
- They were bound - to get us eventually.
Dewey, come here.
- Listen, you're - going to be Coming home from school at 3:00 this year.
So this is the key to the house.
You will come straight home, you will let yourself in - and you will be - in this house alone - Until your - brothers get here - Exactly 15 minutes - later, and not One second more! We're giving this to you because we trust you.
Congratulations.
You're now a latchkey kid.
Point four miles to go.
- Malcolm, - if any big kids bother you, - You go straight - to your old teacher.
- I'm not going to Mr.
Herkabe - for anything.
Point two.
Why not? He's the new dean of discipline.
Talk about having friends in high places.
He's not a friend, he's a psychopath.
- He's been out to get me - since the day we met.
He actually told me that.
What the heck is wrong with this stupid car? I've gone 30 miles since the gas light came on last night, and we're still going.
- Hal, look.
- There's the parking lot.
- You can - let us out here.
- Yeah, Dad, here's good.
Don't be silly.
We're all going to the same place.
- Hal, look.
- A spot right up front.
Right next to the cheerleaders.
- Thanks for what - you did back there.
- The firecracker - did all the work.
- That's the good thing - about cheerleaders.
They stampede easy.
- Let's get inside - before Mom and Dad see - Ah, the golden boy - has returned.
Release the doves.
Hi, Mr.
Herkabe.
And you must be Reese.
I have been thoroughly briefed on you, and if you do one thing wrong, - I'm going to go medieval - on your permanent record.
Ask yourself, whatever happened to the old dean of discipline? - LOIS: - Mr.
Herkabe.
- Good morning.
- It is so exciting - Being here on the - first day of school.
- Yes.
It's like being - at the cockfights Before they open the cages.
- So the two hours a day does - that include travel time? - Because there was - a lot of traffic.
So, you'll be handing out health forms and you report to the North Field.
Can't we do something together? Let me check.
Uh no.
But don't we both - feel better - knowing we tried? I am so sorry.
- I'll have your horse - ready in two minutes.
- We're a little - shorthanded today.
- I had to help - make breakfast.
- You'll be riding - Sparky here.
- I'll get him saddled - right up for you.
- Would you like a - croissant while you wait? - Oh, sure.
- Good morning, Francis.
What a beautiful day.
Otto, can I talk to you? Yeah.
How is your lovely wife? You know, you should start having babies right away.
And you must breast-feed.
Yeah, listen.
- What happened - to Bill and Andy? - Neither one of them showed up - for their shifts today.
Bill and Andy are on vacation.
I thought I told you.
- Well, who's supposed to - be covering for them? Let us have a look.
Ah, here.
You see? Alex and Dan are filling in.
No.
You let them go fishing until next Wednesday.
- Otto, I think - it's wonderful - That you're so - accommodating, - But sometimes you - just have to say no.
- I mean, - you're running a business.
Wait a second.
Is that the same dog from July? Orientation: North Hall, two-six.
All right, it's okay.
I'll find it.
It's cool.
Is this the North Quad? (chuckling): Oh, man.
- CYNTHIA: - Malcolm! Malcolm! Hey, silly, we're over here.
Malcolm.
Have you looked at these - Rorschach tests - they're calling maps? - Yeah, they're confusing, - but do you guys - Think you can talk - a little softer? I'm ready to cry.
They're not to scale.
- How do they expect - anyone to use - A map that's - not to scale? Guys - Come on, this - is exciting.
- I mean, I'm so - disoriented.
Keep me away from the heavy machinery.
(hysterical laughter) Where are you going? I told you we should have taken a dry run last week! - But, no, - "Dabney's an alarmist!" Well, now look where we are! Fill out both health forms and your emergency contact card.
- And feel free - to button your top.
Boys like a little mystery.
This is fun.
I don't know why we avoided this for so long.
(gasps) Mine! Mine.
Okay, so yesterday wasn't too bad.
- I didn't make - any new friends, But I did manage to avoid all my old ones.
I'll make it up to them once I'm popular.
Who am I kidding? No, I won't.
- CYNTHIA: - Malcolm! Malcolm! This is the spot - where we'll meet - for lunch, okay? Malcolm, did you hear her? Here you go.
Thanks.
- Hi.
I can take - over from here.
Thank you very much.
- Excuse me.
- I can't use this book.
I need to switch.
What did you do? Nothing.
I You can't bring the book back in this condition.
No, I just got it like this.
- I don't think so.
- If you want another book, - You're going to have - to pay $40 for it.
Next.
- Mom, you have to - talk to this lady.
- She won't let me - return this book.
Oh, my God.
What did you do to your pants? What? Oh, for crying out loud.
How did you get a stain there already? Mom, come on.
- It wasn't there - this morning.
Mom, stop.
It's no big deal.
No big deal? You begged me for these pants.
- You almost started crying - in the store when - I wasn't going - to buy them - For you, and now look - what you did to them.
That looks like that's coming from the inside.
Mom, leave me alone.
You're embarrassing me.
Oh, I am not embarrassing you.
- Would you be - embarrassed by this? No.
See? Come on.
See if we can find some club soda and get that out.
Justice is swift.
- DEWEY: - I also think we should we have - Meat loaf on Mondays - and not on Tuesdays So we can have an extra day of meat loaf sandwiches.
I also think the table should be in front of the TV and the couch should be in front of the refrigerator.
I also think - there should be hand-me-ups - instead of hand-me-downs, - I think kids - should be able to steer, And I think school should be only four hours a day and should be held on top of the building.
I also think Okay, Angela comes back tomorrow.
So she can cover for Todd on the nature hike - and, that way, Todd can - help out in the kitchen - Which will free up Sonja - to do the hayride.
That is such a good plan.
Angela's vacation is over, right? I extended it.
It rained her first two days.
(kisses) Kiss your mint.
- Okay, got to make up - some ground.
Here's what I'm going to do - Be the first freshman - with a girlfriend.
It's worth a shot, right? I was going to give it a few weeks before asking someone out.
Wait till I liked some girl, she liked me whatever.
But I'll just move it up.
Hi.
Oh.
Hey, Stain.
What? Hey, Stain.
Stain.
Thank you.
Hey, Stain.
Yo, Stain, what's up? Don't pass out.
Breathe in through your nose.
You can pull this out.
Will you be my girlfriend? How's it going? - Look, every bulletin - is lined up perfectly With the one next to it and the one above and below.
- Thumbtacks just bring out - this side in me.
(chuckling): Very nice.
- You know, it's weird being - back in high school.
- But it's kind - of fun, too.
Brings back memories.
- Yeah.
Does it? - Yeah.
- Well! - What have we here? - Have you finished cleaning up - the cigarette butts On the football field? I'll get to it.
You know, we alone determine how much we get out of any given experience.
I said, I'll get to it.
Jerkabe.
You're so bad.
Am I? What's that look? You're dreaming.
- Forget it.
- Don't be stupid.
- There are too many - people around.
We'd get caught for sure.
It wouldn't be fun.
It wouldn't be comfortable.
There's no good place.
This utility closet will be locked for sure.
There's no room for two people in here.
(mambo music playing) Papa loves mambo Mama loves mambo Look good and sway with it Gettin' so gay with it Shoutin' olé with it.
Wow! Papa loves mambo Mama loves mambo Papa does great with it Swings like a gate with it He loses weight with it now! (music stops) Hey, Malcolm.
I'm the fool! - I'm the one who thought - there was such a thing As kindness and decency in life! Okay.
Mr.
Herkabe! - Mr.
Herkabe, - uh, listen, uh, I've spent the last half hour thinking, and, uh, now that I've had a chance to cool off, I-I just wanted to apologize for earlier.
Oh? Yeah.
I mean, you were just doing your job.
Well, your apology is noted and not accepted.
What?! - Come on, I said - I was sorry.
Well, it's a little late for that.
You're hereby expelled from the program! What?! Remove yourself - from school property - immediately.
Good day, sir.
It's just so exciting to be part of something from the very beginning.
Stain.
It's classic.
It's one of those rare nicknames - that will stick - with a person forever Because they are so perfect in their cruelty.
- Hey, you know what's weird? - It's actually - Wiping out my memory - of your old name.
Is it Monty? Marco? Murgatroyd? HAL: Oh, that pompous little martinet! - You should have - seen his face! - Hal, it's crazy to - be upset by this.
- You didn't want - to do it anyway.
He didn't know that! - That means - he thinks he won.
- Which means - I think I lost! But not for long, Lois.
Ho-ho, not for long! (sotto voce): I want it delivered at 3:00.
I don't mean on the truck at 3:00.
I mean here at 3:00.
Not 3:05.
Not 3:10.
3:00.
Good.
My son will sign for it.
Hi.
You called for a massage? Oh, yeah, yeah, come on in.
Just set up right there.
This is so great.
I hope you're good with lower back pain.
Uh, yeah.
Absolutely.
I specialize in vertebrae sciatic impactions of the back.
- Oh, that - sounds perfect! Happy anniversary, honey.
- I'm going to be - in the salon.
Take your time.
(gasps) Face up or face down? - Why, what are you - going to do to me? The massage.
Oh, yeah.
(man groaning) Oh oh, there it is! Ah, yeah, baby.
Oh (whimpering) Oh! That's the sign of a good massage.
Oh! That means I'm totally relaxed.
(grunts) We don't mean to inflict ourselves on you, but there's no other places.
Look, we know you've had a rough couple of days, - but things are about - to get better.
We joined the chess club.
They love geniuses! I was voted king.
I'm the queen Which is actually the more powerful position.
- And they're excited - to meet you, too.
I told them your opinion on the Luzhin defense.
It raised a few eyebrows, but you're as good as in.
I don't deserve you guys.
I'm sorry I ignored you, and I appreciate the gesture, but you're really better off without me.
Oh, come on.
- Will you get off - this sulking thing? Since when do you care - what other people - think of you? Cynthia, don't do this.
- Malcolm, you - hate everyone.
To you, everyone's either a moron or a creep or a poseur.
Why do you suddenly care about their opinion of you? Because I'm shallow, okay? I want them to like me.
It's not so bad, Malcolm.
It's only the first week.
You have, like, four years of high school left.
It's okay.
- I spent three years - being a Krelboyne.
- I can spend four years - being a joke.
- Malcolm, you're - not a joke.
Hey, Stainalator! Bruce Spring-stain.
What are you doing? Mopping.
In five minutes, I will have my two hours, - and that will discharge - my obligation To the volunteer program.
Oh, no, it does not, because you have been expelled.
All I know is I've been mopping! And this floor looks pretty darn clean to me.
But that was unauthorized mopping.
It is spotless, and maybe we should just see whether the principal thinks it's a job well done.
It's not even clean.
Don't you dare! No! (grunts) (whimpers) (evil laughter) Now let's see if you're (grunts) (yells) (gasping) (yelling) I'd just like to say in my defense he started it.
- Ah, Francis, - there you are.
- Oh, look at you - tidying up.
Otto, we have to talk.
We will talk tomorrow.
- Come, I want to - show you something.
No! Tomorrow I may be leading aerobics again or faking my way through a wine-tasting seminar or-or playing the prostitute in the Old West stunt show.
That was you! The way you run this place, sometimes it's not being nice.
It's-it's being careless and foolish.
Look.
(Otto chuckling) Yes, it's a truck.
Look, Otto, I don't want to leave you high and It is your truck.
What? - I saw it - I thought of you.
Your car blew up, yeah? I thought this would be a good thing for you.
You see, this is what I'm talking about.
You are the best boss ever! I wish I could tell you to take a few days and drive it someplace nice, - but we're - a little shorthanded.
- I understand, - believe me.
- (laughs) - Just kidding! Go.
Take a week.
Have fun.
(laughing) Malcolm! Malcolm, hey, come to the "Y" with me.
I think a good yoga class would really help center you.
A-And there are boys.
- Mom's here! - What? - Dad got in trouble.
- Mom is freaking out.
- Whatever you do, - stay out of her way.
Oh, my God.
I know what I'm going to do.
What are you talking about? I'm going get sent to military school.
Malcolm! Malcolm! What are you doing? My dad has a hide-a-key.
Here we go.
- I don't want - to be a stickler, But you don't have the right decal for this lot.
Malcolm, stop this.
- You don't have - a license.
That's okay.
I'm just going to crash into my mom's car.
This is crazy, Malcolm! - This is the - stupidest thing I've ever heard.
No, it's not, it's smart.
I just take this car and crash it into that car.
- Then I'll be in military school - just like Francis was.
It'll be paradise.
Somebody with feet stop him! For the love of God, - your shirttail's stuck - in the door! Take me with you! - What's going on? - I don't know, man.
Stop! I won't let you do this! - I would rather die - than be left alone with Mom! Get out of the way! No! You can run me over.
I don't care! - (revving engine) - (screams) Malcolm! If you do this, I will never have sex with you again.
Again? - They had sex? - He had sex with her? GIRL: That kid had sex? - GIRL: - She's a slut.
- BOY: - She's a big slut.
- GIRL: - Oh, my God, - What a slut.
Wow, I could really learn a lesson from this, - but all I can think about - right now Is how the whole school is convinced that I had se - You get out of that car - this instant! - What the heck is - wrong with you?! Here, take my pancakes.
Oh, and I did your laundry.
I folded them warm so they wouldn't wrinkle.
Reese, I'm not going to tell you about it.
It didn't even happen.
Okay.
Where didn't it happen? - Son, I know - it's been tough for you Spending all your time by yourself after school.
I've been trying to adjust.
- Well, guess what.
- You don't have to anymore.
That's all over now.
- I rearranged - my schedule - So I can get - home earlier.
Isn't that great? We're going to spend a lot more time together.
What do you say, - this weekend, you help me - clean out the garage?