Malcolm in the Middle s04e05 Episode Script

- WOMAN (over TV): - And what do you think, Scott? (TV continues quietly) Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side, and I didn't see a thing.
Deal.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now - You're not the boss - of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
That laptop is so sweet.
- I can't believe - you're already upgrading it.
Are you sure your dad will sell it to me for 300 bucks? Minus my ten percent.
Six months of tutoring kids who won't even take off their football helmets.
Once I get - my birthday money, - I'll have it.
You keep your money in a book? Yeah.
- It's the one place no one - in my family will ever look.
- Have you seen your brother? - He was supposed to (loud grunting) You stupid kid.
(screaming) (groaning) - MALCOLM: - You gave me A black eye, you jerk! You're going to pay for this.
No one is paying for anything.
You are going to drop this.
Ow! I'm sick of you two fighting, - and you at least should - know better.
Your birthday is coming up.
I only want money.
If you want anything, you will not retaliate.
I don't care who started it.
It ends with you.
- But he - With you! - You're just going to let him - have the last licks? Yes, I am.
Now, get out of my sight, both of you.
Well handled.
Fighting like that right in front of me.
What could possibly have possessed those two boys? (grunting) (choking) Help me! (choking) Help me.
Oh, I'll help you.
Hello, there.
Hello.
It's my son's birthday, - and I wanted - to buy him a comic book.
He only wanted money, but he really loves this stuff - and it just doesn't seem - like a birthday If there's nothing to open.
Do you work here? I have the conn.
Oh, great.
So, uh, do you have any suggestions? You know, something nice, like, $20? Well, if you're looking for a $20 comic book, you're in the league for Mr.
Incredible.
- I don't think - he's ready for that.
And for only $20? - Have you lost your mind? - Hey! - You guys shut up.
- No.
Tell me about him.
Oh, well, he's incredible.
He's a rock star by day and superhero by night.
He can shoot flames out of his eyes and melt his enemy's brains with his mind.
Yeah.
I think I read that one.
Sir, there is no Mr.
Incredible.
(laughing, snickering) Well, then-then, why Sir, the Middle Earthling is for clientele - sophisticated enough - to appreciate Cinematic drawing and nonlinear storytelling.
And I can see by your office drone shirt that you're not a serious graphic novel collector.
Is the new Metamorpho in? - Yes, Ricky, right away.
- Well, wait.
- Hey, I was - Excuse me I'm helping a customer.
Is that for my costume? What costume? The school play.
I'm in the school play! Oh, right.
You're a tree? I'm Abraham Lincoln! I'm reciting the Gettysburg Address.
Why do always do this to me? Oh, calm down.
- I always pull it together, - don't I? - Remember that great - Frankenstein costume I made That everybody loved? Yeah.
Can we use that again? (sighs) - Hey, Otto, I think we have - some vandals or something.
There's more fences down, and this time some chickens were killed.
- It almost looks like they - were stomped to death.
La vaca diablo ha regresado.
It was only the wind.
But the chickens look like they exploded.
- Well, obviously, - the broken fences flew - To the other side - of the ranch, Hitting the chickens in a slamming motion and dragging them across the ground in a manner that closely resembles stomping.
You see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for everything.
¡La vaca diablo! Fue asi la vaca diablo! Perfectly logical.
- Was he saying - "Devil cow"? Ah, it is a silly legend.
Many years ago they say there was a cow who one day tasted human flesh and went bad.
And now whenever the moon is red, she comes down from a mountain lair to drink the blood of the innocent.
You're talking about a cow.
- Yeah, I know.
- Silly, isn't it? (goofy laugh) Oh Wake up.
What do you want? I just want to let you know you're not getting last licks.
- Huh? - I'm sick of you always - Having an edge - just 'cause you're an idiot - And I'm smart and understand - about consequences.
I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
Oh, yeah.
I'm really scared.
Why don't you just? (screams) What did you do? I sunk to your level.
And I have to say it feels good.
(grunting) (screaming) How did comic book shopping go? Bad.
I'm just out of my depth.
Look, we both hoped it wouldn't come to this, - but you know - what we have to do.
- Hal, we promised - ourselves we wouldn't.
What other choice do we have? Isn't this interesting? Once more, I'm the only person that can help you.
- I'm your best friend - when you need someone To pick up your mail or sit on a suitcase, - but when it's time - for a barbecue, - I have to watch - from the car.
I got to tell you, Hal, this beer is tasting mighty bitter.
I'll take another.
- Are you going to help me - or not? I will help you.
- But one day - And that day may never come I will ask you to perform a service for me.
Actually, it'll be tomorrow.
- I'll be here - about 10:00, And if it's nice, wear a bathing suit.
What? What happened? It's horrible.
What, the rug? That's no rug.
It's an antelope.
Oh, my God! It's been completely flattened.
- Look.
There's pieces - in the tree.
- What could have done - something like this? It-It was me.
- You? - Yeah.
On-on my moped.
A-A terrible accident.
It was dark.
It jumped right in front of me.
I had perhaps a few too many Cajun martinis.
That should be a lesson to all of us, hey? (chuckles) Go get a shovel and some sawdust.
Okay, hold still.
- I don't think I want - to be in this play.
- Now, I've been - doing some reading, And this Lincoln person wasn't such a great guy.
Did you know that the Emancipation Proclamation wasn't about slavery at all? - It was strictly - a political move.
Honey, you're just nervous - 'cause you've never had a part - with lines before.
Or where you move.
For the love of God! He suspended the writ of habeas corpus in Maryland! - You should have seen Reese.
- It was hysterical.
Are you sure you want to push him? - It's the only way - to get through - To his primitive - little monkey brain.
- He has to know - that I'm not going to back down.
What is this? Oh, my God! If you can be vicious, I can be smart.
How many copies did you make? I don't know.
How many copies are there in a pack of 500 sheets? This is over, Reese.
- I don't know - why you're so upset.
Look at you going like a big boy.
(airhorn honking loudly) (screaming) All right, two scoops, fudge ripple.
Now are we going to the comic book store? - (imitates Yoda): Patience, Luke.
- You are reckless.
- We've gone to the beach, - we've gone to the movies.
I won you an animal at the church bazaar.
We've gone out for coffee, lunch, Slushees, pie.
I can't negotiate unless I'm firing on all cylinders.
Just have many cylinders do you have? Pull over.
- No, you're right.
- I'm sorry.
That was uncalled for.
Pull over.
- Craig, I am not - pulling over.
Just let me out of the car.
Craig, I am not stopping this car.
(whistle blowing) - All right, - all right! Calm down.
- You are going - to have to learn How to get along without Craig Feldspar.
My ducky.
(toy squeaks) (laughter) Hey.
Get out of here.
I'm busy.
I'll be quick.
- You know, while I was - ripping down all those flyers, - I was racking my brain - trying to come up - With some way - to get back at you.
And I began to wonder.
What's the point? No matter how hard I try, nothing ever stops you.
Maybe you're just better at this than I am.
- Well, yeah.
- Then again, - Maybe we should ask your friends - what they think.
What? Your friends.
- These are friends, - aren't they? You're always hanging out with them or near them anyway.
Hey, do any of you know this kid's name? This kid right here.
Do any of you know his name? But he's always following you around.
- You never noticed - him before? So he's been sitting right next to you for months - just pretending - to be your friend? Wow.
That's sad.
- Well, uh, - his name's Reese.
And guess what? I'm better than you.
I win.
It's over.
(retching) Gretchen? Gretchen, I Whoa, uh! (screaming) Otto, what? I have seen it, Francis! The devil cow! - It had eyes like - burning embers And breath from the bowels of hell! Oh, it was horrible.
More horrible than this? We must leave this place.
Burn it down.
Start over.
Yeah.
No.
Enough is enough.
We're not running away from a cow.
We're not? No.
We're not.
From now on I'm lactose intolerant.
- Okay, Dewey, - here's your costume.
Now, your father and I - will see you at the show - this afternoon.
I'm going to throw up.
What if I forget my part? What if something flies out of my nose like it did at show and tell? - Dewey, I'm going to let you in - on a little secret.
- When you're - up on that stage, - All you have to do - is look out in the front row.
- Your father and I - will be sitting there, And you just look me in the eyes and you'll know that everything's going to be all right, okay? Okay.
And if you still feel like throwing up, use the hat.
- MALCOLM: - Reese totally had that coming.
I'm not arguing.
- Seriously, humiliation - is the only thing That jerk understands.
Fine.
- Why are you - taking his side?! Ooh, a birthday card.
Five dollars Canadian.
Pretty good for Grandma.
So, I'll have the rest of my birthday money on Saturday, so I can give you the 300 bucks for the computer when "Dear Malcolm, Ha-ha.
"Now I win.
Your friend, Reese.
" They'll try you as an adult! Uh, yes, I'm looking for a serious graphic novel with cinematic drawings and neat, linear storytelling.
- Weren't you in here - the other day? No, I Okay, look.
I just want to buy a present for my son, okay? - I don't think - that's a crime.
As I see it, my only crime is not knowing as much as you.
- Look, you all have parents, - don't you? I am appealing to you as decent human beings to help me give my son a happy birthday.
Hey, man, I'm sorry.
- I guess we did kind of get off - on the wrong foot.
- We all got to - start somewhere.
This one's called Dead Man's Shoes.
It's 50 bucks.
- It's all about - alienation.
- I think your son - will really like it.
Thank you.
Not so fast.
This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.
It's Craig Feldspar.
He's a level 45 Dungeon Master.
- What cereal box - did you shake this out of, Dean? It's the first print.
It's totally collectable.
Oh.
Should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to.
all in circulation.
- I'd keep this - in my bathroom, But not for reading.
This isn't a comic book store.
It's a novelty shop! Oh, really? Well, I'd like to see the novelty shop that carries an original Spider-Man number 14 with the first appearance of the Green Goblin.
You're kidding.
- If you changed - to a more respectful tone, I just might let What are you doing?! Fear not.
It's the 1993 reprint.
If it had been an original, he would have thrown himself in front of it.
Dude, you told me that was real.
Now let's talk business.
(chortling) - Craig, I can't - thank you enough.
That was fantastic! You were so heroic.
I like to think we all have a little bit of Aquaman right here.
Well, I must say, you really know your stuff.
I'm impressed.
Well, you know if you're interested, there is a convention next Saturday.
I have a life, Craig.
(Malcolm grunting) MAN: Car number 15, no bumping.
Return to the pit area.
What the hell are you doing?! - MALCOLM: - You had no right! You stole from me! That was my money! Fine.
Let's see.
I've done 63 laps.
Keep the change! - MAN: - Car eight, let's be courteous.
It ends here, Reese! I don't care about the money! I don't care about my birthday! - I don't care about your safety - or mine! I don't care about anything except making you suffer! Well, I don't care either! Fine! Let's see who cares the least the most! MAN: Okay, you just lost two weeks arcade privileges.
This is a game of chicken Reese is not going to win! I'm too angry to blink! When he sees my face, - he's going to know - he doesn't have a chance! He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track He's jamming down the pedal like he's never coming back - Adventure's waiting - just ahead He'll stop.
I know he'll stop.
Maybe this wasn't such a good (crash) Ugh! - I should have told - the doctor - To sew fur and tails - on you boys Because you're animals! - Only, animals - would be easier - 'cause then - I could have you fixed.
For all the good it does, you're grounded, again.
- Thanks for getting me - grounded on my birthday.
- Oh, boo-hoo, - I was grounded on my birthday.
MALCOLM: I was just standing up for myself.
- There is such a thing - as justice, you know! - Well, there is such a thing - as "shut up!" Stop it.
Malcolm, do you remember - what you did for your birthday - last year? - Nothing.
I was - grounded then, too.
And what about your birthday? You grounded me after - I smashed Malcolm's face - into the cake.
And your birthday before that? Pretty much this.
Wait.
- When did you push me - off the pony? Do you realize that neither of you has had a birthday party in his entire life? Don't you think that's sad? Every chance you have had for a little happiness A little something special You threw it away.
At some point, this has to stop.
Is revenge ever worth it? Is it worth it now? Do you feel happy? - There's no reason to - compete with each other.
We love you both the same.
There are no favorites in this family.
Where is Dewey? I said, there's Mr.
Lincoln now.
We love you, Dewey.
You can do it, son.
We're so proud of you.
(singing with beautiful (countertenor voice) Fourscore and seven years ago Our fathers brought forth Unto this continent A new nation Conceived in liberty And dedicated to the proposition By the people, for the people Shall not perish from this Earth.
(cheering) - You know, Daniela - could do that, too, - If your affair - hadn't scarred her for life.
Oh, bravo.
Why don't you have another drink? Francis, this is not the time to study animal husbandry.
We have a cow to kill.
There's got to be something in here that can help us.
You know what will help us? The bullet.
The bullet is always the answer.
Oh, my God, it is here! That's it! I know what we have to do! Ah! Oh! Francis! Oof! (yelling) Oof! Oh No, please, please, no! - (sobbing): - No! All right, Bessie, - you've been causing - a lot of trouble, And it stops now.
You are going to be milked.
There you go.
You been up in those mountains so long all engorged, no wonder you were so angry.
You're not evil at all.
You're just a lady with a little too much milk.
(moos) - Well, this new - game is good, - But it doesn't - quite buy me off.
- You still didn't - come to my play.
Well, how would you like Malcolm's comic book, hmm? I'm starting to get over it.
Happy birthday, Malcolm.
Thanks.
- Don't eat - that blueberry.
I'm saving it.
- What's the worst - that can happen?