Malcolm in the Middle s04e15 Episode Script

Garage Sale

Malcolm, Malcolm, in school, we learned the coolest thing.
- There were these people - who did this broadcast And convinced everyone that aliens were landing.
So, what we do - is we wait for Reese - to fall asleep, Then we flash some lights outside his window, and we go to the TV, but we'll have made a tape Dewey, you're totally overthinking this.
Reese, aliens landed down the street! Every man for himself! Oh.
Yes, no, maybe I don't know Can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big You're not the boss of me now - You're not - the boss of me now You're not the boss of me now And you're not so big Life is unfair.
- Mom is coming home a week early - from Aunt Susan's.
- We did all right with her gone, - but we still have A couple things to take care of before she gets back.
Move it, move it.
Now, remember, boys, if you see the bobcat, don't be a hero.
- Stand on a chair - and use your whistle.
Get out of here, Foamy! Go home! - You think she'll notice - the grass fire? - Just remember, - as far as we know, Dewey has always been missing the tip of his finger.
- HAL: - Boys, we're home.
Oh, boys, I've missed you so! Dad knocked down your bedroom wall.
What? Honey, I-I know it doesn't look like much, but this is just the beginning stages of a major expansion.
- I have - conceptual drawings here.
Look, look.
- See how it continues - onto my hand? It was going to be something really nice for you and the baby - with a window seat, - and please just promise - You won't get mad - and leave again! Hal, I'm just so glad to be home! Oh! Ugh! My sister is the most obnoxious, sanctimonious know-it-all I've ever met.
She spent every minute of my visit telling me everything I've ever done wrong in my life.
It was just awful.
Tell me about it.
Dating her was the worst five years of my life.
Well, you know why she's like that, don't you? My parents.
- Susan was always - the pretty one, Susan was the smart one, Susan was the one with all the talent.
I was the one that couldn't do anything right.
Hal, it got me thinking about Reese.
- As if you weren't feeling - bad enough.
No, Hal, I don't think that we give Reese enough credit.
I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility, - he would rise - to the challenge.
- Now, I'm not talking - about giving him - A key to the house, - or anything.
I just think some encouragement would do him good.
(birds chirping) Ooh.
Honey, come here.
The eggs have hatched.
Dewey, Mom's home.
Huh? Oh.
So, it's going to cost at least $800 to close up the wall.
I suppose I can go back to work at the drugstore.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm sure I can stand - on my feet - for eight hours a day.
- And if you fall, - the amniotic fluid Provides a great cushion.
We'll think of something.
- MALCOLM: Hey, there's - tons of stuff - We don't use - in the garage.
- Why don't we just put it out - on the front lawn And see if we can sell it? - You mean like - a garage sale? That's a terrific idea, Reese.
- Don't you think - that's a great idea, Hal? - Actually, - I was the one And you know what? - You can be - in charge.
- You can organize the stuff, - you can set the prices, You can pick the date.
- Why? I didn't - do anything.
Reese, this isn't a punishment.
This is us demonstrating our faith in you, because I know you are going to do a great job.
We believe in you.
Don't we, Hal? For God's sakes, he's my son.
I mean, I love him.
Just answer the question, Hal.
Who wants juice? I do! - FRANCIS: You can't just sell - all my old stuff.
Everything in that garage represents a precious childhood memory.
- It's a bunch of old magazines, - a broken yo-yo And a Rubik's cube painted all one color.
- Well, you try and solve - that thing! I'm not going to argue with you.
- You have ten seconds - to come up with a good reason To keep all that junk, or I'm getting rid of it.
- See, this is why - you are a terrible mother.
Because everything has to be a competition with you! Oh, it does not.
- I'm hanging up! - I'm hanging up first.
- No, I'm hanging - Damn it! You mustn't talk about your family like that, Francis.
There is nothing more important than It's a letter from our son, Rutger! - We must hide - this immediately.
Why do you have to hide a letter from your son? Otto, no! What are you doing? Nothing, because this did not happen.
Nothing happened.
Except for me telling you that nothing happened.
That happened, but only that.
Things will begin to happen again, starting now! Oh, look, the mail came.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Soon as the swelling in my ankles goes down, I'm going to get right back to work with you boys.
Thank you, honey.
No matter what it does to the baby.
- Reese, if you put - the heavy boxes down first, - And then stack - the light ones on top It just kills you I'm in charge, doesn't it? (glass crunches) Oh, wow! What's that? This is the transmitter from the pirate radio station I had in college! - It was only a couple of watts, - but I brought the truth To everyone within three blocks of the west side of campus.
Until the FCC shut me down for telling it like it was.
And for not having a license.
See, the way it works I was just trying to be polite.
I didn't think you were going to punish me for it.
Hey, there, Sparky.
So, half the campus is - goose-stepping down - to the bonfire To be brainwashed by the Stepford cheerleaders The pied pipers of pep.
They want us to forget why we came to this institution, but not Kid Charlemagne.
I am here to seek knowledge.
Let's get going, Hal.
And don't forget your head.
I remember this toy.
I begged for it for months.
- It was supposed to move and talk - and learn my name.
But the stupid thing never worked.
Robot, robot, robot, robot, robot, robot Okay, now I need a five-inch girder.
Coming right up.
Hey, look, my baseball glove.
Hey, look, my baseball glove.
Dad, is this yours? - No, it must have - been my roommate's.
You know, I think it might be something - Throw it out.
- It's garbage.
- Reese, maybe we should - try to find out what it is.
Mom! Malcolm's not respecting my leadership! LOIS: Malcolm, you respect Reese's leadership! (glass crunches) Jeremiah was a bullfrog Ooh, come on.
Come on.
(static crackling) (song continues over radio) Yes! He said he'd return.
He couldn't be silenced.
Kid Charlemagne is back on the air.
- GRETCHEN: - Otto always planned - That when Rutger - finished college, He would come out here und live with us on the ranch.
But instead, he insisted on going to medical school.
And when he was named chief surgeon of his hospital, Otto was crushed.
It's so strange he never mentioned any of this.
That is Otto's Teutonic pride.
He will never, ever show his feelings to anyone.
- OTTO (crying): - Welcome to the Grotto.
I'm sure you will enjoy your stay.
(blowing nose) And don't forget to visit the gift shop.
(crying) Oh perhaps tomorrow, you would like to go horseback riding on Uncle Otto's pony! (crying loudly) - LOIS: - Malcolm, dinner! Hal, I'm not going to call you again! There are so many things the government doesn't want you to know, and that's why they don't want Kid Charlemagne on this mic.
Do I love my country? Yes.
Do I vote? I used to, until they moved our polling place to the house with the big dog.
LOIS: Hal! I said dinner! - Kid Charlemagne is - back on the air.
I think we should start the garage sale around 7:00, because serious shoppers like to get an early start.
- Unless you have - a different idea, Which I'm sure would be great.
I was thinking 11:30.
So I could watch cartoons.
Oh, so you'll be well rested and better able to focus.
Good thinking.
- Where were you - this afternoon? I instructed you to separate the twist ties according to length.
- He's been like - this all day.
I was doing homework.
No homework takes more than 20 minutes.
- Hal, what are you - doing out there? I've been gone for six weeks, - and now that I'm home, - I barely see you.
I missed you, too.
- Why don't I put - on some music? What is this childish need you have to defy my authority? - Bite me.
- Just when I was starting - To feel confident - in my abilities.
Malcolm, I am sick of you always putting your brother down.
- This is Reese's project, and you - are going to be supportive.
- HAL: And if the government - doesn't have a car - That runs on water, - then what are they Building all those dams for? - Reese is in charge - of this garage sale, - And you are going - to obey him.
- No matter - what he asks you to do, You are going to do it.
- But he's - Malcolm, you can either let him - Be in charge of you - for the garage sale, Or you can let him be in charge of you every day for the rest of your life.
- HAL: In case - you haven't noticed, "Evian" spelled backwards is "naive"! Wow, it's like that guy is saying what we're all thinking.
Hal, will you turn that racket off? Well, I guess I can't expect a suburban housewife to understand.
Dewey, what are you doing? A tennis ball doesn't go with the football.
- It goes - with the ceramic bananas.
This is stupid.
- Why are we sorting everything - by color? Because I say so.
And because alphabetical order was slowing us down.
Us? This better be good.
There'll be hell to pay - if Jellybean wakes up - from her massage And doesn't see me on the table next to her.
- (gasps): - Oh, my God! Is that a Nortair? It's a Nortair 680b.
- It's, like, the first - personal computer ever made.
- You have an interest in this - type of stuff, don't you? - There aren't many - of these left.
I'll give you five bucks for it.
Yeah, right.
I checked online.
- This is in - mint condition.
- It's worth at - least $1,300.
No take-backs, - double black magic, - tap it, bomb it, Flush it down the toilet.
You understand it's going to take me a couple days to get the money.
That's exactly what I want.
I want you to buy it - this Saturday - at our garage sale.
- In front of everybody.
- With cash.
You're going to react in horror - when I tell you Reese was going - to throw this in the trash.
- And then - you're going To tell everyone they should have listened to me all along.
You know, right now - you're sounding a lot - like a James Bond villain.
Me? There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine.
And right.
And right! And on Saturday, everyone's going to know it.
Okay, but these revenge plans have a way of backfiring.
Word to the wise, if you ever make someone an Ex-Lax milkshake, don't do it on an empty stomach.
- HAL (over radio): - Someone is looking down at you - From a satellite with his finger - on the death beam, - And somewhere, - someone is watching him.
But who's watching that (signal fades) (siren whoops) (gasps) Oh, no! Oh, no.
(whimpers) Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Certainly not for operating an illegal pirate radio station.
- I mean, even if I did - have the equipment in college, I wouldn't have kept it and be using it today.
- What's with all these questions, - anyway? Do you have a warrant?! You ran a stop sign a half mile back.
What? There's no stop sign back there.
It's at the driveway to the country club.
They just put it up.
That stop sign is a declaration of war! It's for the fat cats - up on top of the hill - playing golf While us regular Joes are late for our second job, or church or dinner with our families.
"Well, I'm sorry - "I missed Little Bobby's - first steps, honey, "but I had to come to a complete stop just because those robber barons can't look both ways!" Gretchen, what are you doing? - I was just going - through some - Of Rutger's things - from when he was a boy.
(whinnies) (laughs) Boy, I don't remember that he was so fat.
(gasps) Schlupi! Who's Schlupi? Otto and Rutger used to love Schlupi.
Otto would put Schlupi on, and Rutger would laugh and laugh.
It was almost like a little brother to him.
(laughs) Schlupi could say all of the things that Otto couldn't.
Like, "Go to bed.
" And "Behave yourself.
" And "Take your finger out of there, it's disgusting!" (laughs) Oh, the love in that house.
And now it's gone.
- Gretchen, I hate - seeing you so upset.
- You've got to talk - to Otto about this.
- There is no getting through - to him.
He won't even admit that anything is wrong.
OTTO (crying): Oh! Oh Oh.
Oklahoma Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain And the waving wheat - So you have - the money, right? - Yes.
It cost me - three Little Lulus - And a Captain - Picard plate.
I hope you're happy.
I'll go get the computer.
You memorize this script.
Reese, that's a great idea you're probably having to help that lady who's trying to buy something.
Yeah, okay.
Can I help you? How much for the vacuum? That's a set.
You can only buy that if you buy the lamp.
But I don't need a lamp.
Then you don't need a vacuum.
She'll be back.
And the lamp isn't going without the blender.
You've obviously put a lot of thought into this.
Where the heck does your father keep disappearing to? And then the stop sign army spring into action, all in support of the military industrial country club complex.
But that's not where it ends.
- (feedback squeals) - Ooh.
Okay, pay attention to this.
How many sides to a stop sign? Eight.
- That's just a little too close - to the number of judges - On the Supreme Court - for this citizen.
(feedback squeals) Hang on a second, America.
(gasps) (gasps) Thank you very much.
That's my piggy bank! That was in my room! - Relax, dipwad.
- I got two bucks for it.
It had $16 in it! Wah-wah.
Spilt milk.
Mom, stupid Reese just did the stupidest thing to my You're as bad as Malcolm.
- I don't want to hear any more - complaining out of you - For the rest of the day, - understood? Now, go! Help your brother.
(scoffs) Excuse me, - do you have a microwave - for sale? No, we Well, actually, yes.
Yes, we do.
Follow me.
- Excuse me, Malcolm, - it's me, Craig.
- What's that - you're holding in your hands? You mean this thing that I've been trying to save? That Reese has insisted all along was mere junk? Mere junk? Why, your brother couldn't be more wrong, nor you more right.
Please allow me to buy it from you for the princely sum of - HAL: - Come with me.
Dad, what are you doing? Craig, get back here! - Mom - What are you doing - With that? - I ordered you - to throw this away! - Let go of it, - you idiot! - Give it! - No! There you go $16.
Thank you.
Hey, is that stereo for sale? Make me an offer.
HAL: because we believe in the Constitution! - We don't think - that the Constitution Is an empty promise.
- We believe in the Bill - of Rights, don't we? Well, I never understood - what the big deal was - about quartering soldiers.
- I mean, as long as I don't have - to change in front of them.
It's the spirit of free speech! It's the fundamental - freedom that thousands of men - have given their lives for! Hang a left here on Riverton.
MAN: Attention, you are conducting a broadcast in direct violation of FCC Rule 27.
Pull over.
I'm not going down without a fight! I'm the voice of the little man! The man on the girder.
The man on the streets.
The man that fights The Man! Oh, my God! You're Kid Charlemagne.
- Give it! - No! Let go! - Reese, don't, - you stupid jackass.
- You don't know - what you're doing! That is enough out of you! - Are you really - so insecure that you can't stand - Anyone else getting - any attention? Your brother has worked so hard - to make this yard sale - a success, He doesn't need you undermining him at ever turn.
- Mom, you have - to listen to me.
We have a Nortair 680b.
It's a type of computer that was built in 1976.
- There's only a few - in existence.
And Craig is going to give us $1,300 for it.
$1,300? Oh, my God.
What are you doing?! - I have a lot - of things to sell, - And I don't have time - to argue with this bozo.
I've got a Jet Ski - on hold, and the place closes - at 6:00.
- What are you - talking about? I'm buying a jet ski with my yard sale money.
- That money - isn't yours.
- It's going to rebuild - our bedroom wall.
- But you said - I was in charge.
- That means - I get the money! No, it doesn't.
- Then why the hell would I want - to be in charge? Reese, this is helping you become a better person - by building your - self-esteem, - Which you are obviously - going to need If you are stupid enough to throw away $1,300 that this family desperately needs! (tires screech) I'm cooperating! I never met this man before.
I hate the Constitution.
I hate free speech.
I'll snitch.
I know things! What on earth? Stop! Government agent! Fare warning, sir! Running adds an additional $80 to your fine! Otto, come out.
I know you're in here.
This is ridiculous.
It's been three days.
Look, I know you don't want to talk about this, but you can't just keep hiding.
Are you happy like this? Don't I look happy? (crying) Gretchen is freaking out.
- The guests are leaving - in droves.
And Muffy wants her stall back.
You have to stop this.
There is nothing to stop, because there's nothing wrong.
Now go away.
Look, if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's pointless family conflict.
- And if Rutger is anything - like me, - You're going to have - to make the first move.
That means you're going to have to deal with your feelings.
I can't.
(cries) I know you can't.
That's why I want you to do something for me.
Hmm? Look at your wedding ring.
Hmm? Oh.
Schlupi? Yes, Schlupi.
I think it's about time he weighed in on all this.
I guess I was a little disappointed when Rutger wouldn't come.
And then when the letters came, it was so painful.
I couldn't bear it.
I love him so much, Francis.
And I swore that I would never do that to my son, and now look! (crying) Rutger is such a wonderful boy.
He's so sensitive.
He's-he's so bright I'm going to get Schlupi a phone.
- HAL: (groans) - I'll tell you one thing.
have cleared that fence.
And the open manhole.
Oh, God.
How could I have been so wrong about Reese? Hal, just say it again, please.
- I really need - to hear it.
Okay, okay.
Reese is hopeless.
Thank you.
(phone ringing) Ah, sorry.
Hello? - Mom? - Francis? - Listen, I've been doing - some thinking, And I just wanted to tell you - that even though - we haven't always gotten along, - I guess you thought - you were doing What was best for me, and well, I appreciate it.
Francis, what brought this on? I don't know.
I guess I just had a breakthrough.
- Anyway, I wanted to tell you - about this thing That happened in junior high