Malcolm in the Middle s06e07 Episode Script

Hal Sleepwalks

I think I'll get another cup of tea.
B-K-U-J-I-R "Jirpku", a small phyllis bird from southern Africa.
Love you, son.
Go ahead and blow off curfew this weekend.
Well, well, well, look what we have here, I was just reading about one of these "Jirpku" isn't a real word, but "azsquip" isn't a viking toothpaste, but mom got 162 points for it.
Special thanks to @DBfansub I gotta get to work.
You make sure your father gets out of bed.
I don't know why, but he hasn't slept for the last four nights.
So, if you have to, yell 'fire'.
If that doesn't work, set one.
Whawhy would your mother buy me pants without a zipper?! Dad, you have them on backwards.
Malcolm, I need your help.
Our 20th anniversary is coming up, and I've been going crazy trying to think of the perfect gift for your mother.
It has got to be something really fantastic, and I've got nothing! Maybe you're trying too hard.
Why don't you just do something simple? You know, get a bottle of champagne, watch a sunset, recite a poem to her.
So, you just use the genius thing on yourself, is that it, son? Come on! This anniversary has got to make up for 19 crappy celebrations.
You have no idea the hell I've put that woman through.
I wish I could say that was the low point of the day.
Chad, are you trying to make Coach Cleary burst in flames again? Hey, Dewey, you won't believe it.
It's the most amazing thing ever! We made friends with a normal kid.
He spoke to us and everything! It was Calm down.
Just breathe, ok? All this time, we thought he hated us.
Who is it? Kyle Rogers.
He likes us so much, that he put both our names in to run for Student Body President.
He said he can't wait to hear our campaign speeches.
Really? Yes! I feel like I'm in a dream.
Except there isn't an armless scarecrow who can't stop crying.
This is so great! But we'll have to promise that we'll both stay friends, no matter what happens.
Don't worry, Zoe.
We won't let anything come between us.
Even though we're both competing for this great honour.
Hey Dewey, what did you do? Rat me out to Mr Myers? Of course not.
I just figured that if you're so interested in the democratic process, I nominate you to run for school president, too.
What? I've got to admit, it's clever making Hanson and Zoe run for Office.
They're going to be humiliated.
The only thing more humiliating would be losing to them.
Ow! Leave it alone! No-one can even see a zit back there! Just stop squirming, so I can clean it.
You know, a little more effort on your personal grooming wouldn't kill you.
Sunday nights before bed, your father goes over every square inch of his body with a hand mirror.
Oh my god! Do you remember that summer seminar in Arizona that I applied for last year? Yeah, you didn't get it.
I know, but somehow my name was entered as an alternate for a Study in Europe program.
The guy who was supposed to go was bitten by a tick, and now basically lives in a hyperbaric chamber.
So, I get to go in his place! Slow down, Malcolm.
We can't afford to help you with that.
That's just it! It's all paid for! I'm going to Paris, Prague, Munich, Vienna.
I'm going to be staying in castles! This is an incredible opportunity.
This is the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me! I have to do something to protect it.
What? It's like, I feel I should balance it out, somehow.
You know, give something back, so I don't lose it.
Listen to you.
Something wonderful happens and all you can think about is how the world's going to take it away.
You're growing up.
You! Come with me.
What are you doing? Dad, you have to understand.
The reason I missed so many days of school, was that the calendar on my watch stopped.
I thought it was Saturday all week.
Put it on the shelf.
The watch? You want me Don't know what I'm going to do your mother it's horrible.
Well, I don't know.
You married her.
What about our anniversary? It won't fit! What about the anniversary? What are you talking about? It's got to be the best.
Where is it? Are you still asleep? The dogs were right.
I got to get her a great present! Dad, your shoe's untied.
Of course! Thank you.
Yeah, you are going to have to get her a good present.
She's a great lady.
In fact, I don't know why, but she wants you to give me $20.
That's good, that's good.
She'll know what to do.
I don't know the answer.
Tell me.
Tell me, now! Ok, calm down.
I think you're going to have more success if you can relax, make me a B.
with avocado, and open up a bag of chips.
Then you can sit at my feet and purr while I eat.
That's it! What are you talking about?! You have to vote for me! All those rumours you've heard are lies! I don't want to have school on Saturdays! I don't wear Pull-Ups! I'm glad to see you're so pumped about the election, Kyle.
A lot of kids think they're too hip for Student Government.
But I think you'll find out how excited you can be, when you organise your first Recycling Drive You know what, Zoe? I actually hope you win.
Thanks, Hanson.
And I hope you win.
Of course, I can't speak for Bad Zoe.
Ok, Chad.
See those kids over there? They're friends of Kyle's.
On Election Day, it would probably be better if they didn't vote.
Why don't you go back inside? You don't want to see this.
Hey, Mom? You know when I said I was going to give something back? Well, I was thinking.
Maybe I could work at a Homeless Shelter, teach some kids how to read.
But then it came to me.
I bought a guitar! What? It's perfect! I mean, Dewey has this incredible music talent.
I must have it too, I just haven't tried it yet.
How long do you have to return it? Fifteen days.
I'm not going to return it.
Well, that'll be long enough for you to figure out that you can't do this.
What are you talking about? I can play music if I want to.
I'm sorry honey, you can't.
Your brain doesn't work that way.
You don't have that kind of creative spark.
What? See, Dewey is a flyer.
He'll just drift and float through life, and things will turn out for him.
Now, you and I, we're burrowers.
We're at our best when our heads are down, and we're grinding through a mountain of drudgery.
You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
You actually think you know what I'd be good at before I even try it?! That's right.
Oh, really? Then tell me! How would I be at scuba diving, or mountain climbing, or Flamenco dancing.
Bad at scuba diving, good at mountain climbing.
Flamenco dancing, a disaster.
I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just telling you what I know.
It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother! If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.
Hey, Reese.
Hey, Dad.
Oh, here.
Got you a new watch.
What did you do that for? I don't know.
A thought just popped into my head that you needed one.
And you have no idea why? No.
You've got to see this.
I finally found the perfect anniversary present for your Mom.
She had this exact music box when we were first married.
Until your brother Francis got a hold of it, and smashed it into a million pieces.
Anyway, I'm walking through this antique store in complete desperation, and there it is, the same music box.
Oh, what a relief.
I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.
I have fifteen days to learn how to play this thing well enough to totally humiliate my Mom.
Seems doable.
I'm willing to forget I ever saw this, if you tell me everything you know about sleepwalking.
Sleepwalking? Well, all I know is it's a dissociative state, which basically is Just tell me what causes it.
Well, there's a few things.
It usually happens when a person is under intense, emotional or psychological stress.
So, if a sleepwalker stays stressed out, he'll continue sleepwalking? I don't know, probably.
Who's a little carpenter? Jamie's a little carpenter! You come with me.
I had it! The giftperfectdestroyed! That little one.
Bad diapers! Come on, Hal.
What happened, happened.
The main thing is, I'm here to help.
Need help, can't do it alone.
Now, tomorrow you'll be on your way to work, when you'll realise that your favourite son, Reese, is completely out of hair care products.
So you'll put together a charming gift basket full of shampoos and styling gels.
It has to be done! No questions! Get to work! It's interesting you'd say that.
Because actually, there are quite a few projects I've lined up for you.
Oh, but first, I'd like you to do something very important for me.
Important! Of course, it's important.
Yes, it is.
I want you to kiss this.
You know, like you really mean it.
Let's be friends! Yes, yes, I'll hold, thank you.
I hate politics! The voters don't read, they don't think for themselves.
They're completely swayed by the last thing they heard, whether it's true or not.
Democracy is a failure, because let's face it, people are idiots.
I think you'd feel better about the world, Dewey, if you had a programmable zombie robot.
That's right, I'm looking to replace the music box with the ballerina on top I wouldn't say broken so much as vaporized, my toddler got a hold of it.
Oh-oh-oh, give me that! So, anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could help me.
A list of local distributors who might have one What are you talking about, why on earth would I do that?! Listen, the truth is I'm pretty desperate here, so if you could just give me some information that can help me track down another ballerina music box, you can actually turn this into a very special anniversary celebration.
Sorry, I am late.
Oh, please! Like the orphans would really see any of the money I would give you.
Do you have an orphan there with you? Could I speak to one, please? I didn't think so.
Do you know what? You people make me sick! Damn telemarketers! Hal, you know what I realised on the way home? Our 20th anniversary is in 3 days.
Oh, just 3 days, huh? Boy, talk about time flying.
It'll be here before you know it.
have to do something special.
She totally did! I saw her, I swear! He's a liar, vote for me! Stop screaming at me! You're not my Guidance Counsellor! Guys, guys, calm down.
What's going on? Zoe thinks she'd make a better president than me, even though it's a known fact that she eats her own hair lice! Oh yeah? Well, I wonder how the voters would feel if they knew that Hanson likes to french-kiss his poodle.
And I know, because dogs don't lie to me.
What are you doing? I thought you two were going to stay friends, no matter what.
Oh, wake up, Dewey! There's a little too much at stake here to play that game! Stop it! The truth is, you two were nominated as a joke.
You had a chance to show the rest of the school that you were better than Kyle and his friends.
Now you're no different than they are.
We used to be a team.
You two and the four of me.
We have no idea who you are any more.
You guys do what you want.
I'm sick of this.
Hal, you didn't even touch your pie.
No, I'm saving that for Reese.
I have something I want you guys to hear.
I've been practicing.
Really practicing a lot.
And I had an idea for a song.
I don't know if it's any good or not, but it really means something to me.
Do you mind if I play it for you? Of course not, Malcolm.
We'd love to hear it.
No one knows just what I've been through, I can't stop the pain inside me.
Now I'm staring out my window, Children play, they seem so happy.
Why are we here, going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty? Meow, meow, meow, meow What are you doing? That's the Meow Mix song.
No-one knows just what I've been through, meow, meow, meow Now I'm staring out the window, meow, meow, meow, meow.
I want chicken I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver.
Now you know that cat meow means Meow Mix, Meow Mix Ok, stop it! God, I've just spent two days of my life rewriting the Meow Mix song.
I poured my heart into this.
I actually got tears in my eyes writing it.
How pathetic is that? I clearly have even less talent than you gave me credit for.
Should we tell him the kid recovered from the tick bite, and the trip to Europe's off? No, let him return the guitar first.
Gotta get this it has to Ok, let's see what you've got here.
These aren't even letters.
Why did I think a zombie could write an essay on Johnny Tremain? Come on, we might as well go to bed.
No, don't! Wait! Have to get an answer! Dad, I'm not gonna be able to help you with an idea for Mom.
And the other ideas I have for you are just gonna land us in jail.
You can help! You're the one I can talk to.
You're my guy! Really? I thought Malcolm was your favorite.
Smart one scares me.
You're normal, like me.
Is that why you grab me? You're my guy.
I don't care if everyone thinks this election is a joke.
I'm not screwing around any more, you've gotta vote for me, please! Whatever you heard about me is all lies! Hey, Dewey.
I've been thinking about what you said.
You're right, we are better than these jerks.
I'm going to throw the election so Zoe will win.
She'll become popular, then she can tell us what we're missing, instead of us having to imagine it.
How are you going to do that? I haven't slept in two days, and I've been staring into a strobe light for the last 20 minutes.
It's time for everyone else to meet the Hanson that until now, only the paramedics have seen.
What are you smiling at, Hooper?! I'm not kidding, vote for me, damn it, just do it! Ok, thank you, Kyle.
And now for our next candidate, David Hanson.
Good afternoon, fahfah teachers and stustustu.
I'm offeringboo and I say to you son of a (bleep) If I'm elected (bleep) the cafeteria's (bleep)! and I promise to And erase this food Charge a man with a(bleep).
(bleep)! and (bleep) a victory for (bleep), you big (bleep)! I promise to (bleep) my (bleep), and I will work hard to(bleep) Hanson! Hanson! Hanson! Reese, what do you think you're you doing? Look, there's something you should know.
Dad's been sleepwalking every night for the past week.
He's in the kitchen right now, making me paella.
What are you talking about? It's because he's stressed out about picking a present for your anniversary.
Oh, you're kidding.
Don't worry, right now he'll do anything you say, and he won't even remember the conversation the next day.
So, you can go out there, and end his suffering.
He's a good man.
Treat him right.
Oh, and don't make him drink out of the toilet.
It's not as satisfying as you think.
Hal? No, not now! Have to think! Nothing! I've got nothing! I know you've been very worried about our anniversary.
You can't find out about this! Don't worry, I won't.
Of course, this is the 20th, and that's very special.
It has to bethe best.
So, listen carefully.
Here are the gifts that Lois has been dreaming of.
A 3-pack of vacuum cleaner bags, a new heating pad, oh and some of those gel inserts for her work shoes, size 9.
That's it! Yes! Oh, finally! The relief! And one more thing.
There's nothing you love more than changing Jamie's poopy diapers.
You got that right.
I returned the guitar.
Mom was right, I don't have any of Dewey's talent.
But it's ok, I'm good at a lot of other things.
I've learned a little something about myself, and I feel good.
Ow! Vacuum cleaner bags? Hal, this is uncanny, this is exactly what I was hoping for.
How on earth did you know? Come on, honey.
When you've been married as long as we have, it's like being a psychic.
I just know.
Oh, man! I think Jamie has a present for someone.
I got it! Oh, I've been waiting for this all day! Come on, buddy! Oh yeah! Happy anniversary, Mom.