Malcolm in the Middle s06e18 Episode Script

Ida's Dance

NOTICE OF SUSPENSION Here you go, Jamie.
What are you doing? Mom's been going through the trash.
Malcolm in the Middle - 6.
18 - Ida's Dance Forom.
com, Life-is-Unfair.
tk & Malcolm-France.
com Check it out.
This is my homework.
I've spent every night this year cramming my skull full of integral calculus and conversational Latin.
I just needed one class that wasn't going to kill me.
And then I saw it Music Appreciation.
It's an actual class.
All I have to do is listen to a CD and write down how it makes me feel.
It's such an easy "A.
" No matter how easy an "A" is, a "D" is always easier, Malcolm.
Not in this class.
I better get started on my homework.
"F"! I can't believe that goateed moron gave me an "F.
" "You obviously didn't even listen to the piece.
" I listened to it.
You saw me.
You know, with the right kind of pen, you can turn that "F" into a "P.
" Mom? Finally! Where have you been? I've been calling for weeks.
I must have left ten messages.
What on Earth is going on up there? I'm busy.
Gorga, Ludwina and Marica need me to help make pickles for the festival.
Mom, what are you talking about? Gorga? Marica? Marica's Ludwina's cousin.
She married the sailor with the milky eye.
And she knows the curse to give you warts.
-You're not making any sense.
-I have to go.
They're calling me.
Oh, my God, Hal.
She's lost her mind.
She thinks she's back in her old village.
I have to go up there.
Why? Hal, she has one leg, she's demented.
She could wander out onto a freeway.
I thought we agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life.
Fine.
There we go.
If Mommy asks, you got a bath.
-Did you get it? -Oh, yeah.
Exhumed Maniac.
The guy at the video store said it even creeped him out, and he's an albino.
Oh, I love scary movies.
There's nothing so primal as a man coming face-to-face with what really terrifies him.
We'll keep this a secret from your mother.
Got it.
There's commercials she won't let me watch.
Well, she's gone for five days, we can have a film festival.
Now, the thing about horror films is that it's always what they don't show that's scary, because nothing on the screen can ever be as truly frightening as what we imagin I'm glad they shoved that guy's skin down his throat.
I didn't think he'd ever stop screaming.
I have a favor to ask.
I'm taking Music Appreciation, but I'm not doing so well.
I have to get an "A" in this class.
I know you know about this stuff, so I'm willing to pay you ten bucks an hour to teach me until I get it right, okay? "The Adagio for Organ and Strings" makes you happy? Are you going to help me or not? So let me get this straight.
You, the brilliant genius Malcolm, are coming to me, your little brother, for help on your homework? Yes, Dewey, that's right.
So you're a total idiot at music? Yes, Dewey, it seems that way.
That's probably why you're such a drag to be around.
Yes, Dewey, that's probably why I'm such a drag to be around.
Interesting.
And that must be why you're hitting yourself.
Is this gonna take long? Depends how fast you obey.
And that must be why you're hitting yourself.
Mom.
Oh, thank God you're all right.
What are you doing here? Mrs.
Kucheck next door told me you were down here.
She also said to stop stealing her newspaper.
I told her she's free to fight me for it.
You didn't return my calls for two weeks.
-I was worried.
-Oh, yes, so worried.
You get the earrings, Susan gets the bracelet.
Now go home.
Mother -What is this place? -It's wonderful.
It's like being back in the village.
Everyone here is from the old country.
They got the right kind of pickles.
They know the old songs.
After country, I finally feel like I fit in.
Wow, I felt surrounded when there was just one of you.
You going to introduce her to us or make us wait around like a pack of pigs? Pack of pigs wouldn't leave their nail clippings on the floor for other people to step on.
This is my daughter, Lois.
Gorga.
Ludwina.
Big Kathy.
Little Kathy.
Marica.
Floransa.
Anca.
And Mushka.
Is this the fat daughter or the one who drinks? This is the one with the half-wit factory between her legs.
Well, I don't know what to say.
I planned on two days to get you into an old folks home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I'd fly back on Sunday.
Now I'm stuck here it's $300 just to change my ticket.
Good.
You'll be here for the festival Saturday.
What festival? You stop it.
You know it's Saint Grotus's Day.
Oh, my God.
Saint Grotus's Day? That's still around? It is.
And we haven't turned our church into a Burger King either.
She's being modest.
She was a terrific Grotus Day dancer.
Made your children look like poisoned sheep.
Best girl between the vlatnis in 15 counties! Not the vlatnis.
God, I hated that awful vlatny dance.
You loved it.
She begged to go.
She dragged me seven blocks by my pigtails to some stinking butcher shop full of drunk uncles.
I couldn't even see my feet through the flies and the cigarette smoke.
When I was 16, I worked up the nerve to tell her I wanted to quit.
She fed me nothing but bark for a week.
It's her stupid idea of a joke.
You're not around fancy big-shots with all their teeth, sipping wine.
These are real people.
You will not embarrass me in front of my friends by spitting on who you are and where you come from.
Fine.
Oh.
Boshnik bread.
I haven't had this in years.
Does it work or just cram its face with bread? She works.
And not on her back like your slut daughter.
Can she make a Saint Grotus's Day tart? I'd have left her in the forest with her hand nailed to a stump if she didn't.
You will make the tart this year.
The tart? By myself? That thing is gigantic.
Yes, let Ida's daughter rest.
The old ladies with arthritis can make the Saint his tart.
Ida's daughter can sit on her gigantic ass all day and eat bread.
Jelly, dear? Fine.
I'm here for five days.
I was expecting to be miserable anyway.
I'll make the tart.
We got it started for you.
No! Not my eyes! Not my baby's eyes, too! Hey, Dad.
What do you want?! I wanted to trade my Fruit Roll-Up for a strawberry one? Sorry, son.
Of course you can.
But ask for it like a man.
Don't go creeping around the kitchen.
I'll just come back later.
You seem busy.
Hey, Dad.
Check out tonight's movie.
They Peeled My Face.
The director went to jail for using real corpses.
Listen, Reese, I wanted to talk about movie night.
Really? I wasn't going to say anything 'cause it's so gay to talk about feelings, but I used to feel bad that we don't spend any time together.
And now I find out that the one thing I like the most, that everyone else thinks is creepy, my dad likes it, too.
-How great is that? -Really great.
Does it have to be so hot? It's, like, 95 degrees in here.
Yes, we'll turn on the air-conditioning and let the tart collapse so you can live like a movie star.
-Let's see how you did.
-No, it's not done yet.
I was nine hours into it when you made me start over because the almonds weren't facing Vadutz.
You made vomit.
The Saint killed our enemies, then went to hell to ask Jesus to increase the severity of their punishment, and you reward him with vomit? You might as well wipe yourself with the beard of the Most Holy Patriarch.
Why is my tart vomit? Stop your temper tantrum! Look here.
The 15th layer you put apricots.
Is that correct? The Saint didn't slaughter the peacemakers on the 15th.
He waited till the 16th when they trusted him.
This thing has, like, 35 layers.
Who's gonna know where the apricots are? So if you steal and no one knows, that makes it okay? I taught her better than that, till my arm was going to fall off.
She has to start over.
What? This is ridiculous.
Don't blame yourself, Ida.
She was born rotten.
That's why the goat refused to breast-feed her.
Can I at least have a rag to tie around my head to keep the sweat out of my eyes? Yes, Your Majesty.
We have to start from the very begining.
What do you feel ? I don't feel anything.
It's just dinging, and it's annoying.
What the hell is wrong with you? Babies understand this music.
I'll tell you what's wrong with me.
You're teaching me bad on purpose.
Great.
Now you're stupid and crazy.
Am I? I asked to learn the one thing that makes you special, your stupid music, but you can't stand that, can you? You've been sabotaging me from day one.
That's it.
I quit.
You can't.
-You made a promise.
-I did not.
We tried everything and you're an idiot.
You are not walking away from this, Dewey.
You're going to help me beat this.
I don't care.
Fail your course.
I dropped that class last week.
Then why are you bothering me? Because you know music and I don't and that's not fair.
It's totally fair.
You just hate that you don't get to be better than everybody at everything all the time.
Music's my only thing.
And you know what? It's greater than everything you have put together, because it's about beauty and love and feeling, and not about proving what a creepy little genius you are to everybody, so excuse me.
I'm going to appreciate music.
It's all the sweeter because I know you can't.
Oh, my God.
Dewey.
Are you okay? I'm sorry.
I'm deaf.
I'm deaf.
Oh, my God.
-Mom's gonna kill us! -Shut up.
Calm down.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Your hearing will probably come back in a while.
Please, just don't say anything, okay? Let's just keep this quiet for a while.
Do you understand? Does a punch mean yes? Good.
Well, I finished.
I almost gave up when I thought I burned the prunes.
But then I fell into this rhythm, and I just lost track of time.
The next thing you know, it's done.
And it came out perfect.
It was a lot of work, but you know something? It feels good.
What's that? That's the real tart.
You kept screwing up.
We just knew it would be easier for everyone if we just made it ourselves.
But I worked for days! I'm sorry.
I know you'd rather be at the disco shaking your backside at a bunch of drug addicts.
You like St.
Grotus's Day?! Huh?! You like tarts?! Well, what are we waiting for? Let's celebrate! Well, maybe next time you'll think better before criticizing other people's desserts.
What are you doing? Oh, Malcolm.
I didn't hear you.
I wonder why.
Why don't you have a seat? Now I know some people say an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
But I think it's simple fairness.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Just say what you mean.
You seem confused.
You want me to help you? Well, let's see if I can make it loud and clear.
I can't do it.
I guess I'm just a better person than you are.
You know, there's some diabetes medicine in the fridge you may want to destroy.
I am not going to be the bad guy in this, Mother.
I just want to understand my daughter's behavior.
Why are you so frustrated? Is your husband failing to perform his shameful duty? Mother, just shut up, and leave me alone.
After all the Saint did for us, all the enemy churches he burned, why would you destroy his holy cookie? It doesn't even taste good.
It's not supposed to taste good.
It's supposed to be hard to make.
I can't believe you would humiliate me in front of my friends! F riends? Those women are monsters.
They treat me like garbage.
How can they be your friends? I need some people I can talk to, Lois! Well, you used to need me! I'm going.
All right.
So now we're both deaf, but that's okay.
We've had a while to practice now and we're pretty confident we can hide it from Dad! Boys, listen, I'm going to grab the TV and hide it till your mother gets back.
I'm going to tell Reese that it was stolen by junkies, desperate for a quick fix.
If he ever suspects, you didn't hear it from me.
Oh! Hey, Dad.
The guy at the video store finally admitted they have a secret room behind the snuff films.
I'm going to go check it out.
Sounds like a plan.
Boys give me a hand here.
Boys, help! Boys! Help me! For God sakes, what's wrong with you?! Save your father's eyes! This makes up for everything.
Is that supposed to impress me? Mother, I swear to God I almost quit twice between the first and the second corset.
-I'm this close to -All right.
You want to dance we dance.
What are you doing? I'm not dancing in this thing.
It just gets in the way.
Begin we now the wushny sabor! The dance where mistakes are long remembered.
More drinking! Noroc! Noroc, Mother.
Noroc.
The lato vlatnis.
Hard as a Cossack's heart.
Sharp as a raven's beak.
Oh, crap.
I hate the knives.
You think your dad getting killed by a TV set is funny?! I'll tell you what's funny! Being grounded for the rest of your lives! After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap.
You got to admire that kind of perseverance.
Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house! I can't hear what he's saying.
But judging by the color of his face, I probably shouldn't ask for the car this weekend.
Dad, come on.
I've got something to show you.
We'll use this system until Mom comes home, then say it was defective, and get a refund.
Tonight's going to feel like we're actually inside the guy's torso.
Son, sit down.
Listen These movies are torture for me.
I chewed blisters into my fingers, I can't sleep, I'm afraid of everything.
But I love you, and I love spending time with you.
Oh.
Like me and baseball.
What? Like when you were so excited to teach me baseball when I was six, and I couldn't tell you how totally boring it is.
But that look on your face when I got you your first mitt? It's the same face I use when I get underwear for Christmas.
"Wow, it's like you read my mind!" It's not so bad.
We're both just liars for a good cause.
Yeah.
Like that stupid camping trip.
I loved that camping trip.
That's what I meant.
Hi, Dewey.
Mom.
Your voice.
Your beautiful voice.
I can hear you.
Well, it's nice to see you too, honey.
Every morning those damn birds.
They can't keep Wait.
I can hear.
I can hear.
Oh, my God, I'm so happy.