Malcolm in the Middle s07e17 Episode Script

Hal's Dentist

You're the one who invited your friend over.
Now that he's here, you can't just suddenly change your mind.
Now get up and be nice to Ryan.
Fine.
Hi, Ryan.
You want a beer? Malcolm in the Middle Forom.
com, Life-is-Unfair.
tk & Malcolm-France.
com You look pretty dumb in those glasses.
Oh, yeah? Well, I read a book about poker tells, and my eyes have been giving away my cards.
We'll see who looks dumb when I am dancing on a mountain of poker chips.
-I'm out.
-Me, too.
-Fold.
-Damn! Gentlemen.
Fiddle Faddle! Now it's a poker game.
Easy there.
I can't help it.
Kitty's got me on an extreme diet.
-Hey, this isn't Fiddle Faddle.
-I make it at home.
I pop some corn, brush some melted caramel on it, let it cure, blanch and double roast the nuts.
You lose a weekend, but you save 73 cents a batch.
I'll bet a buck.
-I'm out.
-Fold.
Me, too.
Damn, you could see through these glasses, can't you? Oh! Oh, my tooth! Please, let the dentist take a look.
It's this one.
Uh-oh, #31 is cracked.
-Is that important? -Only for eating and talking.
It's one of the glory boys.
You better get that fixed.
Great.
My company doesn't have a dental plan anymore.
They got us a foosball table instead.
So where you been going? The dental college.
It's not too bad, but they do make you sign a death waiver.
Forget about that.
Come by my office on Monday, and I'll take care of it.
-Really? -Absolutely.
Wow, it's been so many years since I've been to a real dentist.
Do you supply the ether rag, or should I bring my own? God, I'm so bored.
Everything's boring.
It makes ditching school almost seem like a bad choice.
Even talking about boring is getting boring.
Yeah, boring.
Bored, bored, bored, bored -Wait! You see that? -What? It's a dead squirrel! Gentlemen, our week just filled up.
Sorry, not interested.
Sure, it looks good to you now, but it's just going to wind up in the closet with all the others.
Pass.
Your loss.
See you, suckers.
Mom? Why aren't you in school?! You're in trouble, young man! Oh, I don't think so.
You're in the middle of an alley trying to get on a bike.
You are ashamed of something.
I can always smell shame.
It's kind of like rotten coconut.
Okay.
There's this stupid bike-a-thon at work.
Some idiot made a big stink about how the store's not doing enough for charity.
-Then don't do it.
-I have to.
I'm the idiot.
And I I I can't ride a bike And it's very embarrassing.
So you really can't ride a bike? No.
Hey, everybody! My mom can't You don't understand! My father didn't believe in training wheels! Mom! He just tied me to the bike and pushed me down the hill.
Mom, there's glass down here! I came back with three teeth in my hand, and he just pushed me down all over again.
After that, I just told people I knew how to ride.
And I've been living with this lie ever since! Mom! If you tell anybody, I will kill you! -Do you hear me? -I won't tell a soul! -Let me up, and I can help! -What?! I know how to ride a bike! I'll teach you! You'd really do that? Absolutely.
And you don't have to be embarrassed.
No one will ever find out your horrible secret.
No, lady, I don't want your drugs! Wow, and I thought Reese was the one dragging us down.
Maybe we should see how he's doing with his squirrel.
If I know Reese, all the good parts are gone by now.
Nothing exciting ever happens around here.
Wow we even have boring miracles.
It must have fallen from a plane or something.
Wow, this is brand-new.
At least what I think a mattress would look like new.
-It's got no lumps.
-No weird stains.
No springs sticking out of it.
-It's got tags! -It's got tags! It's like sitting on a cloud with two clouds under it.
This is amazing.
I'm in ass heaven.
Maybe it's worth some money.
Sell it or keep it? Let's think about this for a second.
Oh, my God, we totally fell asleep.
That wasn't sleep.
Sleep makes you feel like you've been beaten up.
We got to keep this thing.
Enjoying Lord of the Rings in high-def? Oh, it's unbelievable.
No lines, no commercials I'm bringing Lois here for our anniversary.
I still can't get over all this.
A real sink to spit in.
I really don't have to swallow it.
Hal, are you crying? They're good tears.
How much longer will it take? I'm done.
You can't be.
I didn't bite down on the pain stick.
No, it's done; I finally got the temporary crown on.
I got to tell you, Hal, it was in pretty bad shape, but I think you're going to be happy with the results.
Wow, you really are a friend.
Two thousand dollars?! Excuse me, but this can't be right.
Trey said he would take care of it.
The doctor handed me the bill himself.
You don't understand.
I'm a friend of Trey's.
And he gave you the friend discount: ten percent.
You mean he was going to charge me more?! Can I have the key to the bathroom? Careful, it'll cost you $200 in a bathroom fee! You know what? You can tell Trey that this is what I think of his bill.
-That was your parking validation.
-I know.
Could I have another one? Morning.
Morning.
-Last night was -Fantastic.
I'm glad we got these Anything else would have been an insult to this beautiful mattress.
We really have been living like beasts.
A good night's sleep.
Just think what we can do with all this new energy.
Yeah.
-Five more minutes? -I'm right behind you, buddy.
-See? Just do that.
-I can't.
-You want me to show you again? -No, Reese.
I'm afraid.
So you're chicken, huh? Yes! Oh.
Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things.
Thunder, frogs, mailboxes You were afraid of mailboxes? I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off, but I simply conquered my fear by ripping the lid off of every mailbox in the neighborhood.
I turned that fear into hate.
And you have to hate that bike just as much.
-I don't have hate.
-You've got hate in there.
You just have to find it.
Do you hate work? Surprisingly, no.
What about your life? Your best years are gone, and they weren't so good.
I don't hate my life, Reese.
What about the stuff I've done to you, like when I baked your shoes, or broke your wedding china, or when I sold those tickets to those fifth graders to watch you shower? You did what?! Perfect! Now direct that anger to the bike! Don't let me fall! Okay, I think we've made a lot of progress! That's enough for today! So, lately, I've been going to the library with Mom.
That's all.
I don't want anyone following us.
Like I said, it's just the library, where we do library things.
Has anyone seen our bicycle pump? Hal's in.
Your bet.
Five dollars? -I'll call.
-Hi, guys.
-Where should I put this? -I'll take care of it.
-Thanks.
-Uh-huh.
This is about the dental visit, isn't it? You know, I don't recall a dental visit.
I recall a mugging! I'm surprised you'd bring it up, considering you ran out on the bill.
-Con artist! -Welsher! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's this about? I went to Trey to get my tooth fixed for free like he promised, and then this pirate hands me a bill for $2,000! Free?! I never said I'd fix it for free! -You said you'd take care of it! -And I took care of it! I fixed it! Now Hal is walking around here pain-free with a stolen smile! How dare you?! We were all here.
Now, who's right? I think the answer is pretty clear.
-Hal! -Trey! What are you talking about? The man said he'd take care of it.
Everyone knows what that means.
Yeah, it means he'd fix it for free.
Thank you! You're just saying that because it was your cheap-ass caramel corn that broke his tooth in the first place.
It had nothing to do with the caramel corn! Guys, guys, guys, this is ruining the game.
Malik, you do mediation at your law firm.
-Can't you help out? -Fine.
Fellas, I want you both to just sit down and listen to each other.
Trey, can't you see where "I'll take care of it" could be misinterpreted? -Well, I suppose it could.
-Yeah! And, Hal, can't you see that Trey is a professional? He went to years of medical school.
And then he gave up and became a dentist.
Trey deserves to be compensated for his work.
It's natural and it's fair.
I guess it is.
I'm sorry, Trey.
No offense taken.
So, Malik, how much do we owe you? Ah, nothing.
We're friends.
A-ha! You see? It's not the same! You came to me as a professional.
You get a salary for your work.
Imagine going to somebody's house, playing Tetris, shuffling papers and making long- distance calls, and nobody paid you?! That's it! I don't want your repo thugs coming after me, so here! So, Peterson puts the report on my desk and says, uh Hal, if your tooth hurts, don't eat.
I'm fine.
-Hal, just stop it.
-Stop what? We're all afraid you're going to choke to death.
-You can't eat if you don't chew.
-I don't need to chew.
I am fine.
The key is relaxing the esophagus.
Jamie, I hope you're paying attention.
So, Mom, how's the bike-a-thon going? Just great.
-I'm really excited about it.
-You are, huh? How long have you been riding? Long enough.
Fascinating! Hey, you know what I could go for? Another piece of cake.
There is no more.
-What about that piece? -My piece? That's okay.
I don't need another piece of cake.
I can just continue talking.
So, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, your bike riding.
These chairs are so uncomfortable.
They have no idea how to conform to our bodies.
Hal, you have an infection.
You have to see a dentist.
I made an appointment with Dr.
Voorhees tomorrow.
Isn't that the guy we took Dewey's hamster to? He's a doctor.
If he isn't in the society pages, then you're not impressed, huh, Lois? Go back to Trey! -We'll find the money somehow.
-No way! Well, you are going to have to find some way to deal with this.
I know and I have.
I'm not an idiot, Lois.
Now, please, will you hand me my scream box? Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule.
The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Oh, he'll come back in a few years.
He's 98.
I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.
Oh, well.
You know what would help? Sleep.
I actually dreamed I was in this bed sleeping.
Sleep is all we ever do anymore.
Do you even know what day it is? I don't even know what year it is.
Get up! Don't you have a test tomorrow? It could affect college, your future! I'm pursuing my dreams right here in a much more direct way.
Well, I'm done with it.
Fine! More room for me.
So that's your plan? You're going to sleep for the rest of your life? That's pretty pathetic.
I'll leave my mark.
Long after I'm gone, the memory coils in this bed will still remember the contours of my body.
Listen to yourself.
That's insane.
This bed is evil.
It's draining your soul, Malcolm! Malcolm? Okay, Mom, I think today we might break the 12-inch distance record we set yesterday.
It's white-knuckle time.
I'm not doing this anymore.
-What?! -You know I can't do it.
I just cannot get on that bike again.
It's just too hard.
Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams.
Lower your expectations.
That's fine.
I've had my fun.
If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
All right, Reese, you made your point.
Let's give it a try.
No, I was really saying quit.
I want to thank Hal for inviting us all over for a special afternoon game.
I don't want to be the one to break up the game here.
-I have nothing to be ashamed of.
-If you're implying Gentlemen, gentlemen, no one is implying anything.
All I'm saying is it's hard keeping the game together.
And despite our differences, I think we can all agree this is nothing like the hidden jack incident of '91.
-Here we go.
-You are damn right.
Here we go.
Don't throw around accusations.
I will not be accused of cheating.
I never said you were cheating.
I said it looked like you were cheating.
That's totally different.
I don't need to cheat.
You're not that good a poker player.
So the card I needed to make my straight just decided on its own to leave the table? Guys, guys, come on.
I'm just saying we made it through that, we can make it through this.
I have a feeling by the end of this game, the problem will be solved.
Show 'em.
Pair of twos.
Beats me.
Me, too.
Pair of two's the winner.
Wow, I win again? Oh, I must be on a real lucky streak.
I must have a thousand dollars here.
Wait a minute.
Dead hand.
Cards over.
You had a flush! Look! You're letting me win! You are?! We're just trying to get this thing settled.
I don't want your money if I didn't win it.
I have no need for your pity! I can't stand it anymore! I'll give you the dental work for free.
Happy? Let's go right down to my office right now and put back that crown.
-It's settled.
-No! I am not some charity case, and I am not going to relieve you of your conscience, either.
-Hal! -No! You will be the one to have to live with the pain, not me! Give me that glass of ice water! -No! -No! I hope you're happy! Hal, Stop! Think about it.
-Hal! Hal! -Hal! Come on, Hal! My back's killing me.
What happened? Malcolm, you're awake.
We were worried about you for a while.
What happened to the new mattress? -What are you talking about? -The mattress! I know there was a mattress.
Maybe it was a dream.
It wasn't a dream! The mattress was perfect and white, and it felt like a cloud! It fell out of the sky, and it made me happy! Was it just a bed, or was there a beanstalk, too? Maybe it was a dream.
You were happy, Malcolm.
Of course it was a dream.
Okay, Mom, this is it.
Once you're up, don't look down.
-But -Trust me.
Just start pedaling.
I'm going to make sure you get through this.
You are not alone.
-Thank you, Reese.
-Now go! Oh, my God! I'm doing it! I'm riding! Don't worry, Mom! It's for your own good.
Reese?! Try to go slow, Mom! I'm going to crash into you! I'm going to prove to you that falling isn't so bad! No, Reese, I'm doing fine, see? Mom, it's the only way! Reese, it worked! I'm not afraid.
I can ride.
Thank you.
Mommy Help me! Help me! So Want to tell me what's going on here? It's cool, Officer.
You see, we tied him up because he's got a painful, busted tooth, and he refused to let us fix it.
Help! Help me! I need help! Okay.
Drive safe.
Thank you, sir.
Help! Help me! Help me!