Mammoth (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

How lucky we are to be here, boys,
on the final day of the decade -
the 1970s.
And what a decade.
Disco, Kojak and
the mighty Ford Capri.
Any questions?
Sir, why were you coming out of
Miss Shaw's chalet this morning?
We were planning your New Year's Eve
party for tonight.
But it's already planned.
You told us all about it yesterday.
All right, Simon,
I never kiss and tell.
And I certainly never make love
and tell.
Yes! Well, thank you for that
fascinating interjection,
Mr Mammoth.
Now, if I could just continue
with the safety talk
Safety talk, Roger?
You're not Evel Knievel
jumping over buses.
It's skiing. Point your skis down
the slope, hope for the best.
I'll go first.
But you've never skied.
What if something happens?
Then, in that case, I would like you
to always wear this
to remember me by.
You're not funny.
I will need that back,
that's my lucky necklace.
OK, boys, watch this.
Not that one, Mammoth,
it's a black run.
I don't believe in segregation.
I believe we're all the same.
That's not what that means!
All right, everyone,
now, in the unlikely event
of the avalanche alarm sounding
Sir, what's that?
The avalanche alarm sounding.
Mammoth! Mammoth!
Mammo-o-o-oth! Mammoth!
Whoa! Thank you.
Ho-ho-ho! That was close.
I would like to buy you a drink
at the New Year's Eve party
later on to say thank you.
I haven't been out for that long,
have I? It is still New Year's Eve?
What is the date? Attendez.
Parler dans le telephone.
What is the date?
It's Monday, the 1st of January,
Mr Mammoth! Mr Mammoth!
Mr Mammoth told reporters,
"Thank God for this
global warming thing
"or I might never have been found."
You need direction, yeah
You need a name
When you're standing
in the crossroads
Every highway looks the same
So if you get it wrong you'll get
it right next time, next time ♪
What's the story about you
and Anne Robinson?
Hello, mate, can I interest you
in a subscription
for the animal rescue hotel? Come
on, mate, it won't take long.
Life is a liar
Yeah, life is a cheat ♪
Yeah, I can make the meeting.
I'll be there nine-ish?
I'm just on my way now.
No use complaining
Don't you worry ♪
Who's a good boy?
Tony Mammoth?
All right?
Can I just take a quick picture?
Oh, well Yeah, course you can.
You've got to learn
by your mistakes
You got to die a little everyday
just to try to stay awake
Next time. ♪
He shot to fame as the Ice Man,
but this woolly Mammoth
is glad his favourite pub
didn't go extinct.
Yeah, I couldn't believe my luck,
to be honest.
I mean, this place hasn't changed
at all since the 1970s.
Bit of an exaggeration, Mammoth.
We do flavoured crisps now.
This is Barry, same great landlord.
Roger, the same great best mate.
Cheers, boys. Cheers.
There we go.
So what's next
What's next for Tony Mammoth,
now that the world has moved on,
and your 15 minutes of fame is over?
Yeah, and thank God for that.
Who'd want to be famous now?
Not like it was back in the day,
is it?
What would you rather do?
Go on the piss with Oliver Reed,
or eat kangaroo's balls
in the jungle?
Not that he's done
either of those things.
No, I'm going back to do
what I was born to do.
This might seem
an unusual appointment
as Mr Mammoth is technically
in his 90s.
But Mr Freeman
is currently indisposed,
and Mr Mammoth is fully qualified.
Also, the council insisted
we had to rehire him
as it would be ageist not to.
Great. Moving on
Just one thing, Mr Cowley.
Have you lost your mind?
He hasn't taught for half a century.
Leave this to me, Pete.
I know this school.
Every room, every corridor,
every cock and balls scratched
into a desk with a compass.
They knocked down the old school.
It was full of asbestos.
Point is
I died for this school.
Can you say that?
Can you? Can you?
Can you say that?
I never hit a kid.
Even when everyone was doing it.
Also, if Mr Mammoth joins the staff,
I won't be the worst dressed teacher
Very good. What's your name?
Mr Evans. Carl Evans.
Good joke, Carl.
Very funny.
Now in the first instance,
it'll be a trial period of a term,
then we'll see where we are.
Oh, and while I've got you all here,
good luck to everyone for
parents' evening this Thursday.
Parents' evening is this Thursday?
Ha-ha! Brilliant!
Best night of the year.
I can't wait, I can't wait.
Where we going for a drink, first?
Ha! Good one.
Chance would be a fine thing,
Mr Mammoth.
Now, unless anyone has
any more questions?
No? Great. Good meeting, everyone.
Suppose you'd better
come with me, then.
Yeah, I should go and meet
the Head of PE first.
If you just want to take me to him.
I am the head of PE.
Yeah, course you are.
What's next?
"Go and get me a tin of tartan paint
from the woodwork department?"
There is no woodwork department.
What do you do with the thick kids?
Come here, you. I'll be late.
You can't go in with
your hair all scruffy.
What will the girls think?
Or boys?
You know I don't mind if you're gay.
Yes, I know, Mum. You've said it
loads and as I keep telling you,
I'm not gay. Mm
But it's fine if you are.
Whatever you want to be. As long
as you're practising safe sex.
I'm not practising any kind of sex.
No, but if you are,
I just want you to be safe.
It's cool we can talk about this,
you and me,
chatting about sex stuff.
It's just bodies,
at the end of the day, isn't it?
OK, well, I'm going to leave the
country now so this is the last time
we're ever going to see each other.
Come on, give us a kiss. Mwah!
Just ignore them. Rise above it.
Don't let them bother you,
because they don't bother me.
If you scratch my car you'll be
breathing out of your earhole,
you little shit!
Bye, Mum. Bye, love.
So, these are your
schemes of work folders.
Yeah, I'm not really
a folder sort of bloke.
Well, you are now.
Hey! You can't smoke in here.
I'm not going to walk back to
the staffroom for a smoke, am I?
Well, you can't smoke in
the building. In any building.
Who's that in the photo?
Your sister?
No, That's my partner, Suzi.
Business partner?
Nope, my girlfriend.
Good for you.
Hey, that Billie Jean King, eh?
What a tennis player.
Remember going to see Billie Jean
King play in 1975, Wimbledon.
Centre Court
just after Jimmy Connors.
I didn't see all of the
Billie Jean King match, obviously,
but I remember thinking to myself,
woo, that Billie Jean
Can you stop talking
about Billie Jean King?
I've got loads
parents' evening prep to do.
Best night of the year, isn't it?
All those mums.
I mean, you're seeing someone,
but always good to have a plan B,
in case you and thingybob
don't work out.
Oh, thank God for that.
Can you just go teach your lesson
and try to remember
it's not the 1970s.
Two words.
British Bulldog.
Perfect test of
speed, strength and stamina.
It's supposed to be badminton, sir.
It's a PE lesson, not a holiday
at Pontins.
It's just that Mr Freeman said
But Mr Freeman's not here, is he?
Because Mr Freeman's had a nervous
breakdown and I haven't.
Everyone go and line up.
And don't mention the breakdown,
it's confidential.
What's this?
That's a note.
"Please excuse Theo from PE
as he has" What?
Carpal tunnel syndrome, sir.
I play a lot of video games.
Do you know Esports?
No, I don't and I don't want to.
We're doing real sport today. So put
that away, go and line up.
But my wrist is really sore.
You're a teenage boy,
of course your wrist is sore.
Put that away, go and line up.
But, sir, I haven't even got any
kit. I will get you some kit.
Or would you rather
I sent you to maths?
Yes. yes, I would. I like maths.
Really? Yeah.
So Mummy went back.
I know you've asked me not
to come into the school again
after that swimming lesson,
but I only jumped in because
I thought you were in trouble.
Anyway, the weather is awful,
and I don't want you getting cold.
So I'll literally drop your coat off
and go.
Love you.
What the hell's going on?!
Mum Aargh!
Theo wasn't even supposed
to be doing PE.
And yet I come along and
find him getting assaulted.
He got distracted because she
interrupted my PE lesson. Ha!
I wouldn't call that shitshow
I just saw a lesson.
What do you know? About teaching?
Quite a bit, actually. Oh, yeah?
My mum was a teacher.
My mum was a housewife,
doesn't mean I can iron a shirt.
You shouldn't have been there,
simple as that. It was an emergency.
Theo forgot his big coat.
He could have frozen to death.
I doubt it.
And what do you know?
About freezing to death?
Quite a bit
actually. I froze to death.
Right, well, I think that's all
settled then. No?
No. My son was excused
on medical grounds.
What are you going to do about it?
I want him sacked.
Mr Mammoth made a mistake
but sacking is extreme. And ageist.
Ageist? Yeah. Me? Yes.
I ran a 10K for Age Concern,
thank you very much.
You dropped out the week before.
Yes, but I trained for it.
You're not helping, Theo.
Well, I'm sure Mr Mammoth
has learned his lesson
and this won't happen again.
Fine. OK. No PE for Theo. Got it.
Lovely to meet you.
I've got to go, too, actually.
Trying to get me sacked
on parents' evening week
in the middle of my
longest ever dry spell.
Last one was Linda. Lovely Linda.
Died of a broken heart.
Congenital heart failure.
Nah, it's the same thing.
Billie Jean King's still alive.
She's 80.
Oh, a bit of good news.
Can we get rid of
the board of death now?
It's depressing the regulars.
Barry, we are the regulars.
I want to turn it back
into a cocktail board
so I can serve exotic drinks
from around the world, like
gin and tonic.
Vodka and tonic.
Rum and tonic.
Drink up, Rog,
you're two pints behind.
I'll go at my own pace, thank you.
Gin and lemonade.
Well, pick up the pace tomorrow
night because Rum and lemonade.
I have fixed it for you to
come with me to parents' evening.
No, Mammoth.
Oh, really? Poor thing.
Do NOT write his name on there.
Gin and water.
Vodka and water. Rum and water.
All right, Barry.
Tomorrow, then, eh? Mind and you.
Like old times.
I don't even work there any more.
Haven't for 20 years.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you in.
It's not a nightclub, Mammoth.
You've changed. Do you know that?
You've got really boring.
No, I've just got old.
Barry's old. He's not boring
though, is he?
I could rebrand the whole place.
Call it
Barry's Cocktail Bar and Pub.
See? He's still got a dream.
Hasn't given up.
Where's the Roger who could
drink a pint in five seconds?
Where's Five Second Roger?
Long gone, Mammoth.
In fact I'm Five Minute Roger
these days,
because that's how long it takes me
to have a piss.
I'm going home.
I'm tired, and I want
to have a nap for an hour,
because it's bingo night.
I love bingo.
So thoughtless.
Bingo. What a load of balls.
A lot of people like it, Mammoth.
No, Barry, I'm saying bingo.
What a load of balls.
But a lot of people do like it.
Thoughtless? Me?
Can you believe Roger called me
that? I don't know who Roger is.
Play to the horn!
Bugger. Do me a favour, go back
to my desk, get my tobacco.
There's a good lad.
Come on.
Penalty. Wait for me.
Oh, bollocks.
It's OK, boys, it's not dented.
I mean, you're all right, though
aren't you? It's nothing bad, is it?
You hit me with a car.
Clipped you with a car.
Should have been using
the Green Cross Code.
I wasn't expecting a lot of traffic
on the school football pitch.
Too busy looking
at your bloody cordless phone.
A phone should not be
on the football pitch.
Neither should a car.
All right, hands up,
I'm not entirely blameless
but keep this our little secret, OK?
I think it's broken.
Can you wiggle it?
Your phone?
Is that all you're worried about?
It's new. I'll buy you another
phone, on one condition.
Do not tell your mother about this.
I cannot lose my job,
not this close to parents' evening.
Right, and what'll I say when my mum
asks what happened?
Tell her a kid kicked you.
Pick any kid you like,
I'll back you up. No.
Member of staff, then.
What about Mr Evans?
The one who thinks he's funny.
Tell your mum you bent down, he
pinched your bum, and you fell over.
Just make up any lie and I'll
buy you a new phone. Deal?
Very nice.
Thank you.
Well, I just wanted to say
sorry for before.
I think subconsciously
maybe I still blame you
for not finding me in the snow.
Mammoth, I dug and dug and dug
in that snow for six days
and nights.
Not even a week.
Still, it's not about blame.
You're my oldest friend, literally.
Need to start treating you better.
Really? I know you can't come
tonight, but I thought
couple of pre-parents' evening
liveners, like we used to.
There you are.
Don't be shy, don't be shy,
don't be shy.
Come on. There we are.
Do you want to just do that first?
There we go.
There we go. There's a good lad.
Listen, before you have that,
would you mind dropping me in
to the do?
I would drive myself, but I've
already had two glasses of wine,
and I don't drink and drive.
It's not fashionable these days.
I see. And I suppose you want me
to pick you up later?
That's very kind of you.
Cheers, Rog.
Right, let's go.
It's show time.
Daddy Cool by Boney M
She's crazy like a fool
Wild about Daddy Cool
I'm crazy like a fool
Wild about Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool
Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪
Cutting it a bit fine, Carl.
Someone slashed my tyres.
The bastards. That's awful.
Good luck, everyone.
Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪
Yeah, El Mocambo Club
in Toronto, 1977.
Surprise gig.
Got to hang out with
Mick and Keith afterwards.
You a Stones fan? Yeah, er, so,
I know Tom fell behind last year
They're good guys. Got all
of their stuff on vinyl.
Maybe call over one night, when
Tom's dad's got him for the weekend.
Pina Colada? Erm
Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Taylor,
I just need to speak to Mr Mammoth.
Excuse me.
What the hell are you doing?
I was in there.
You can't hit on all the mums.
I'm not. Just the single ones.
Trying to pick up women on
parents' evening?
Do you know how inappropriate
that is? It's very appropriate.
Mum gets me, the kid gets
a positive father figure.
I'm fit, I'm active,
I've got a good job.
I can even take them to school
every day. Everyone's a winner.
No, Mammoth. Don't do it again.
Do you understand?
Jason's told me all about
his fun new PE teacher.
My reputation precedes me, Mrs?
Miss Mason.
Miss? Interesting.
He does sometimes make stuff up, though.
He said you let him
drive your car round the field.
What an imagination!
No, he's a good lad, Miss Mason.
Just lacking a strong
male role model.
Yeah, well, there's not many of them
around here.
Sometimes they can be right
under your nose, can't they?
Here's 10p, Jason.
Go and get yourself a Marathon
from the tuck shop.
Give it back, please.
So there I was,
nine strikes in a row.
In the next lane -
Mr Roger Moore, 007.
Couldn't believe his eyes.
Lovely fella, by the way.
Owner came over and said to me,
"Excuse me, you've got to wear
proper bowling shoes."
I said, "My friend, these are
proper bowling shoes.
"These are Italian handmade
snakeskin leather bowling shoes."
Excuse me, Mr Mammoth.
Guess who's in the other lane?
Billie Jean King. Next!
You'd be willing to do that? Come
round and give him home tutoring?
Anything to get him through his
O-Levels. What's an O-Level?
Sorry, I couldn't get parked.
What did I miss?
For Nothing. We're done.
They're my own teeth.
I struggle to get shirts to fit
on the sleeves.
What are your thoughts on Brut 33?
Pina Colada?
I can do this one.
Or do that one.
I can do both.
Next. Next! NEXT!
Poor you.
Mum, can we go?
Dean, I'm having an interesting chat
with Mr Mammoth.
Shut up, Dean.
Nights are the worst.
The darkness, reminds me
of being under the snow.
On my own.
It'll get easier, believe me.
I know all about lonely nights
since Dean's dad left.
Needs his head seen to,
walking out on you.
Do you fancy a drink after this?
I could drop Dean off at my mum's
and you could meet me
after you finish? No need. I have
finished. Come with you right now.
Erm, my mate Rog can pick us up.
Just give me two minutes.
Sorry, everyone. I've got to leave.
Good kid. Tall kid. Nice kid.
Not all there. Surprisingly sporty.
OK, let's
You ran over my son.
No, no, no, let's not do this now.
Let's talk about this tomorrow.
No, no, we can't talk
about this tomorrow
because you ran over my son.
You ran over her son?
I didn't run him over,
I just clipped him,
and the car is absolutely fine.
Brilliant. Oh, thanks very much.
Yeah, and we had a deal, Theo.
I'll have that phone back.
Get away from him. Did you think
you could buy my son's silence?
For £700, yes. Well, you can't
because Theo tells me everything.
Everything! We're like best friends.
Mum, calm down.
I am very calm.
Are you staring at my
No, no, no.
Where did you get
that necklace from?
Not that it's any of your business,
but it was my mum's.
Always wear this to remember me.
You're not funny.
I will need that back,
that's my lucky necklace.
OK, watch me.
Linda Shaw?
How did you know?
That's my lucky necklace.
Leo Sayer gave me that.
I gave that to Linda Shaw,
New Year's Eve, 1979.
Well, you can't have because my dad
gave it to her the day he died.
No, he didn't die.
Everything OK here?
Oh, yeah, great.
Mr Mammoth ran over my son and now
he's calling my dead mum a liar.
If you don't sack him,
I will be suing the school.
Great. Carry on.
You're not going to get me sacked.
Oh, really? And why's that?
Because I'm pretty sure
I'm your dad.
No, you can't be.
Don't even know your name.
It's Melanie.
Well, Mel,
we've got a lot of catching up
to do.
But right now, I really need
that lucky necklace back
because I'm dying on my arse
over there.
Ah, freak out
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out. ♪
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