Man Up (2011) s01e13 Episode Script

Hey.
So you know Marcy at work? Little too old for pigtails, but go ahead.
You can't be too old for pigtails.
My grandma had 'em when she was 96, and she was adorable.
Anyway, thinking about cutting out early on Friday and taking Marcy to go see the leaves change.
I wouldn't do that.
Mr.
Donohue's in town this week.
Ooh, big boss man cometh.
Look out-eth so thou doesn't get fired-eth for stealing office supplies-eth.
Wait, is it "supply-eth" or "supplies-eth"? No, I had it.
It's "supplies-eth.
" Look, he's only in town a couple of days a month, so we just gotta lay low and do our jobs, and if you run into him, make him feel superior by asking for his help.
(Grunts) Ohh, well.
I guess no jelly for me today.
Hold on, son.
The trick to opening these things (Pop) Is to be strong.
I like to give Mr.
Donohue scones.
He loves scones.
One might say he's a total sconer.
Ew, I hate scones.
It's like having a mouthful of flour with, like, one raisin in it.
Hey, England, why so stingy with the fruit? I have grant make them for me.
That guy bakes a scone so delicious, it would make a doughnut go home and blow its brains out.
Mmm.
Jelly and glaze spattered everywhere.
God, I'd love to be the cop to walk in on that crime scene.
(Growls) Yeah.
Morning, Mr.
Donohue.
It's good to have you back in town, sir.
I brought you some scones.
Oh, great.
Freak show.
Good morning, Will Keen.
And highly uncooperative in the tub.
That's okay, I don't need to know how difficult it is to keep your mother clean.
It's very difficult.
Yeah.
Then she makes me an omelet, and everything's okay again.
Well, it sounds like you two found a system that works.
Mm.
Hey, Will.
Ow.
That's weird.
Stop it.
I'm sore.
I took a spin class at the gym this morning, and the trainer was such a maniac.
He was all up in my face.
He was like, "you're a slacker.
" "I have no tolerance for slackers, so keep up or get out.
And your calves are small.
" Ohh.
Maybe you should go to a different class.
Eh.
I deserve it.
I'm fat.
Oh.
(Groaning) Keen.
I like the way you handled that Craig idiot in the break room this morning yelling at him, mocking his calves.
Sometimes that's what it takes to motivate people.
Right.
Right, that's what I was doing.
(Chuckles) I think you've got management potential, so I'm giving you a promotion.
A promotion? Wow.
(Laughs) Thank you, sir.
You can count on me.
You know, I've been with the company five years, and I've felt yeah, well, don't write an opera about it.
We can work out the details later about how much more money you're gonna make.
Actually, you're not gonna make any more money, so now that's worked out.
Well, I-I guess money isn't everything, but I'm just happy to be part of the team that has been look how much you talk.
Good for you.
That was the worst trip to the mall ever.
What are you talking about? We got everything done, we didn't have to backtrack once, and we got our blood pressure taken for free.
It was funny when uncle Kenny got his arm trapped in the machine.
(Imitates Kenny) "Help! I don't want to die this way!" (Normal voice) Classic.
Yeah.
What happened to you? You used to be so much fun.
You didn't try on a single wig today.
(High-pitched voice, British accent) I'm the queen of England.
Off with your head! Hello, hello, hello! Oh-a, ooh-a, ooh-ooh-ooh! (Normal voice) I'm David Hasselhoff.
(Imitates elderly man) Oh! I'm grandpa! You're all a disappointment! (High-pitched voice) Boing, boing, boing, boing.
(Lisping) happy birthday Mr.
President (normal voice) Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow! (Imitates Christopher Walken) I'm old Christopher Walken.
And I'm gone! Now I'm young Christopher Walken.
(Imitates Al Pacino) Al Pa cino.
(Yiddish accent) Get me a Reuben sandwich immediately.
Because of you, they put up a sign that said, "five wig jokes per customer.
" Well, you should have put on that old lady wig, 'cause you were all (Mocking) "Don't do this," "and don't do that, I'm uptight, and that mannequin doesn't want to do that with you.
" And then there's this doofus with his big smile and his own hair.
(Door closes) What'd I do? Nothing, buddy.
I'm just lashing out.
I got a promotion! Really? (Laughs) Ohh.
That's fantastic! Ohh! Take that, mom.
My husband is a success.
I'm not getting any more money.
Oh.
My mom loves you.
But tell your mom the new title does come with perks.
Executives and their friends and families get access to The Avalon Club Downtown.
(Gasps) "The Avalon Club.
" Ooh, that's posh.
I heard they have bathroom attendants there.
I shall bring all of my combs and dunk them liberally into their barbicide.
Mr.
Donohue.
I was just crunching the numbers great story.
Someone in this company is going to lose their job today, Keen.
Really? Before you decide who (Opens drawer) Could you help me open this jar? Certainly.
(Pop) So here's the deal when I'm in town, I like to make sure that people stay on their toes, and nothing does that better than firing someone.
Couldn't we just open more jars? Well, one of us could.
Anyway, I want to get rid of this Craig Griffith character, with his scones and his how-do-you-do's, but I can't fire him because he's gay and I don't want to risk a lawsuit.
Oh, no, no, no, Craig's not gay.
Well, then I can fire him.
Wait, wait, wait.
No oh, wait.
Did you mean "gay" like "happy"? Because I meant that Craig is not happy.
In fact, he is one sad, litigious homosexual.
I don't understand those people.
Can you imagine being a man and wanting to take another man and sue him? The next person on my list is some guy named, uh, Henry Trunka.
I've heard he's a weirdo, so I want you to fire him.
Me? Mm-hmm.
Wait.
You want me to fire him? Oh, but Henry has all these problems with his mom and bathing her having this job is tough, son, but it's how we buy our Ferraris and vacation in the south of France.
(Chuckles) Or lease our mid-sized sedans and vacation in the north of Cleveland.
(Chuckles) I-I have a cousin who has a condo up there.
It's, uh, it's Not very nice.
Can his ass.
(Sighs) I don't want to brag, but I've seen every movie that starts with the letter "r.
" Test me.
"Ratatouille.
" Wait, no.
I meant "b.
" "Bonnie and Clyde.
" Maybe it is "r.
" What's "Ratatouille" about again? You can't flirt with Marcy anymore.
You have to be gay now.
Dude, just because you got a promotion doesn't mean you can control everything.
Donohue wants to fire you.
The only reason he doesn't is because he thinks you're gay.
He thinks I'm gay? Did you tell him about all the women I've slept with? I wrote a song about it, and I can sing it for him.
And I can show him how strong I am by moving the furniture so I can do the dance that goes with it.
Yes, despite that burning desire to put on a show, he does think you're gay, and you better pretend to be, or you're gonna lose your job.
Here you go, Craig.
(Sighs) Apricot lemon poppy seed scones with a secret ingredient T.
L.
C.
(Chuckles) I can never keep that secret.
Thanks, grant.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so much.
(Laughs) Mm.
Thanks.
(Keyboard clacking) Hey, Henry.
You never come in here, Will Keen.
I'm suspicious of you right now.
Uh, well, I just came by to tell you that, uh, we're gonna have to, uh give me a bigger office? Let you go.
Let me go into a bigger office? No.
(Sighs) I'm sorry, Henry.
We're we're firing you.
But you're free! How great is that? Ugh, I'm so jealous.
But I have to keep this job.
Please don't fire me, please.
I can be better.
Uh, well I can't be home with my mother all day.
Please.
Be merciful, Will Keen.
O-okay, Henry.
I'll I'll see what I can do.
Yay! Long live Will Keen! Huzzah! Look at all the cheeses.
They go on for miles.
This is how I imagine the roads in Vermont.
(Sighs) I'm gonna sit in a massage chair with some jell-o so it and I can laugh at each other while we jiggle.
(Cackles) Ha.
What?! (Silverware clatters) (Whispers) Sorry.
What is she doing here? The sign on the door says, "no sea hags or hobgoblins.
" And yet they have no problem letting in young, sloppy Santa claus.
Guys, please don't embarrass me in front of all of this free food.
Can't you just pretend to get along for one day so that we can have a nice time? Sure, we're good at pretending.
You remember when we were married and we used to come to fancy places like this? Oh.
Yeah, we'd play this game where we'd lie to strangers about who we were, and then lie some more, and then keep lying.
It's called "labyrinth of lies.
" (Laughs) Or is it? It is.
Or is it? (Whispers) "Labyrinth of lies.
" Now that you're management, we've increased the size of your office by 2 feet.
All the walls in this building are on tracks and can be moved in any direction north, south, east, or north.
Plus you now get bottled water.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I can drink the water from the cooler in the break room.
No, you don't want to drink that stuff.
(Water trickling) So I, too, have news that Will shatter your trust and make you sick.
I didn't fire Henry Trunka.
You're weak, the kind of guy who drinks out of 5-gallon jugs.
W I-it's just that Henry is very valuable to this company.
(Chuckles) Really? Yeah, yeah, he recently discovered a brand-new, groundbreaking actuary table.
It is gonna change the way insurance companies estimate overage modification schemes.
Hmm.
I don't know what any of that is.
I know the word "insurance," of course.
All right, fine.
Your little friend can stay.
That's great! And I'm going to need something to show the board at the quarterly meeting on Friday, so have this fellow suit up for a presentation about that thing you mentioned with the word "insurance" in it.
Y-you want Henry to make a presentation? Uh, well, y the formula isn't quite ready I agree.
It's gonna be great.
(Pats arm) Boy, you don't really listen to other people, do you? That's your job now, Will.
My job is to find someone to do the things I don't want to do, and I've done that very well.
Good job, me! (Laughs) Wow.
I've never met a lion tamer before.
That's a pretty dangerous job, isn't it? Yeah, but I don't do the deep mouth work anymore.
That's a young man's game.
And I'll eventually be eaten, but I've come to accept that.
And I'll be on my own, although you're never really alone when you travel the world as one of Beyonce's backup singers.
Wow.
I just sell insurance.
You two have really exciting lives.
(Both chuckle) That's nothing.
Wait till you hear what she does.
I Enjoy making popovers.
(Under breath) They actually take a lot of work.
But what is really exciting about her life is Her fascinating, unique, conversation-starting job of Ghost hunting.
Good.
That's right, I'm a ghost hunter.
Wow.
She tracks down spirits that are having trouble crossing over to the other side.
(High-pitched voice) ooh I'm very good at it.
Just the other day, I spoke to the spirit of Julius Caesar.
He was causing trouble at an old gas station, so I got my gang together they have wonderful jumpsuits.
Ha.
Ooh hi, Will.
I heard how you saved Henry's job.
Well, "saved" is a little I am gonna need a favor, too.
A few months ago, I had an affair with Bob in accounts payable, and now he's being a jerk, and he's eating everybody's food out of the fridge, and he's married Anyway, I'm gonna need you to transfer me to another office.
Oh, Jenny, I don't know if I can oh.
So you can do favors for Henry, but not for me? All right, I'll see what I can do.
Yay, Will! Huzzah.
Hey, Will.
Huzzah.
Why are you saying that? I heard you're demanding it as a greeting.
Wh so the weirdest thing happened earlier in my office.
(Whirring) Occupied! Occupied! (Sighs) I'm sorry, buddy.
We share a wall, and I was being rewarded for what I now realize is a miserable new job.
By the way, how's life as a fake gay man? It's challenging.
I didn't choose to be a faux-mosexual.
I was born someone who would one day have to pretend to be this way.
Yeah, well, Donohue saw you and Marcy coming out of the copy room.
Well, maybe we were making copies.
No one goes in there to make copies.
You gotta play it straight, and by "straight," I mean "gay.
" (Sighs) (Knock on door) Hi, Craig.
Uh I got your message.
Here's the underwear you left at my house after our last swim lesson.
What are you doing? You can't give me those in here.
No, no, not yet.
Okay, go, go, go.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you for my underwear, Coco.
I must have left my underwear at your house when I changed underwears there.
I feel like I'm missing the joke, like when I watch a "Jackass" film, and they put their testicles in danger.
You only have two.
Why play fast and loose with them? I just need my boss to think I'm gay, so I'm pretending you're my lover, Coco.
You deceived me, Craig.
You were dishonest and made me bring you underpants under false pretenses.
No, I'm sorry.
Don't be mad.
Please come back.
(Sighs) Marcy, hi.
Hi.
Uh, that was my tailor.
I had to have these underwear taken in.
I mean, let out.
So what I just saw with you and Coco it confirms what I've been hearing.
I hope you don't think I'm close-minded, but I have a rule that I don't date gay guys.
Marcy, no! Come back! I have the same rule! Well, I'm sorry, Joe.
You can't work from home.
Because you're a security guard.
(Beep) I'm so done with this job.
Oh, my God.
We had the best time at The Avalon Club.
We were playing this game where we lie to strangers about who we are! (Kenny) We met this executive.
He thought we were all fascinating.
Turns out he's rich.
He owns a helicopter.
So we all went off to the airport and got into it and had our picture taken! Look! Then he bought us dinner at this super-expensive Sushi restaurant.
(Haughty voice) And we had sea urchin wrapped in the stomach lining of a squid served in the rectum of a giant clam.
Boy, you think you hit rock bottom being born a clam, and then that happens.
(Laughs) I had two.
Then we went to his private driving range, and Kenny ran out there while we took turns trying to hit him with golf balls.
I got him in the neck.
Looks like a hickey.
(Laughs) It was so funny.
How was your day, Mr.
executive? Well, actually, I want to talk to you about that.
(Clears throat) Oh, I am so proud of you for getting this promotion and making me an executive wife, and right now all I want to do is make slightly drunken executive love to you.
Ew.
Oh, yes, Kenny.
"Ew" is right.
Your best friend is about to make dirty, sketchy love to your sister.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Did you want to talk about work? Uh, no.
No.
Job's all good.
So that would mean that expenses per annum would come on.
Henry, you have to concentrate.
None of this makes any sense, Will Keen.
Of course it doesn't make sense.
I made it all up, but these upper-level guys can't follow it anyway.
Look, my wife is really enjoying being married to an executive, and I am really enjoying the perks of her coming home happy and, frankly, a little loose.
I like when you talk about your sexy wife, Theresa Keen, Will Keen.
Now come on.
Focus.
I'm not comfortable talking to groups of people.
You can talk to people, Henry.
You yelled at everyone at the company picnic for not looking at your kite.
Now come on.
Both our jobs depend on this.
And that is why, if you go to that Peruvian village today, you will see this woman's image on every single totem pole.
I just prepped the goat.
Dr.
Stein is the one who transferred its heart into that villager.
And he lived? Don't be ridiculous.
A goat can't live without its heart.
There she is.
Mehitabel.
Mehitabel.
I'm mehitabel.
I was having some cheese.
I didn't hear you.
I'm hyper-focused.
You have to be, in my business, to stay alive well, to stay alive in business.
Ghost hunting is super competitive.
This is my friend Nancy.
I told her about your amazing gift.
Mm.
Is it true you can rid houses of unwanted spirits? Oh, yeah.
I have the gift.
I can talk 'em out, scare 'em out, move 'em out, push 'em out, stack 'em, trade 'em, flip 'em whatever you need.
I'm having a problem with an entity at my house.
It's terrorizing me, keeping me up at night, trying to drive me away Oh, and sometimes blood comes out of the walls.
So can you come over, like, right now? Mm.
Now? Oh, God, I don't know.
Uh, I have a chimney demon at 5:00, and I've already moved it three times.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Have you seen Henry? I need to prep him before our presentation.
He left.
He said he couldn't go through with it.
I would have stopped him, but I couldn't get out from behind my desk.
Are you kidding? This meeting's in an hour.
Yes, it is smaller in here, Will.
Nice of you to notice.
I need to find someone who can fake their way through this.
I'll do it if you move your wall back.
No, you can't do it.
Donohue knows you.
It has to be someone he's never met who's good at lying.
(Sighs) Sir, I'd like you to meet Henry Trunka.
So the master himself.
You know, with that hair and that beard, you look like some sort of insurance pirate.
I like it.
Yarr.
(Chuckles) What is it that you're doing now? (Chuckles) And that is why you have a 40 to 60% charge-off, non-expenditure devaluation, thus rendering your table a double-sided, prefixed nay, post-fixed Breathtaking presentation, Keen.
Almost makes me want to know what it means.
Now who wants a nice, gooey slice of pie chart? (Thwack) Sorry I'm late.
Raul.
What are you doing here? I'm not here.
You're having some sort of anxiety dream about being late to a meeting.
"Raul"? I thought your name was Henry Trunka.
No, this is lion-taming legend Raul Stallone.
(Chuckles) Now wait.
What's going on here, Keen? What does a lion tamer know about insurance? (Chair scrapes floor) That's it.
That's it.
I'm done lying.
Mr.
Donohue, I did not fire Henry, and I made all of this up.
And I want my old job back, because frankly, you are a very difficult man to work for.
Well, Keen, that's all very troubling also, I'm gay.
Did I mention that? Craig and I are lovers.
I knew it! What?! No, that's not true.
No, no, I-I'm totally straight, and I don't care if Mr.
Donohue fires me.
Marcy, I want to be with you.
Really? Everyone Craig is gay.
Oh, come o I know because I'm his lover, Coco.
(Lowered voice) I'm sorry, Craig.
I realized I overreacted.
I'm your friend, and friends help each other.
Yeah, b (normal voice) Come on, gay lover.
Not my lover.
Let's go home and do what we do.
We don't do anything.
Yeah, you'd better not.
(Clenches teeth) Shut up! I'm sorry, Craig.
It's over.
Marcy.
Marcy.
Hello.
My name is Raul.
You remind me of my grandmother.
She, too, was adorable.
(Sighs) Hey, Mr.
big-time executive.
Actually, I went back to my old job.
I just couldn't keep pretending to be something I wasn't.
I know.
It's really hard.
You end up doing things that you don't want to do, like crawling around an attic, pretending to make contact with a dead civil war general.
Wow.
I thought I had the weirdest day.
Hmm.
I'm sorry you're not an executive wife anymore.
It's okay, honey.
I never want to go back to that club, anyway.
I am not good at cutting loose or lying to people or speaking in the voice of ol' picket fence Jackson.
You do not want to see that.
You know who is good at lying? Whenever I engage a big cat, I like to bite him first, show him who's boss.
Now once you get past the lion's incisors, that is the danger zone.
One false move, and chomp! (Blows raspberry) "Aah!" "No!" (Blows raspberry) Any questions? No? Let's move on to pumas.