Man with a Plan (2016) s02e15 Episode Script

Out with the In-laws

ADAM: Hey.
How was yoga class? Amazing.
I feel very centered, 'cause we skipped it and went to the wine bar next door.
And then we nama-stayed there for a couple hours.
I'm all for it.
You're never more lovely than when you're half in the bag.
Oh, um, I talked to my parents, and they're driving in from Virginia for Easter.
What? No, no, no.
I thought you said Frank and Alice weren't coming, so I invited my parents.
You got to stop telling me stuff through the bathroom door.
(GROANS) Oh, this is not good.
Why not? A house full of grandparents That's what a holiday's supposed to be.
(CHUCKLES) Not with these jokers.
They are exactly the same, but they hate each other.
- Like Alabama and Georgia.
- Yeah.
ANDI: It all goes back to when Katie was born, 'cause both sets of grandparents wanted to be called Grandma and Grandpa.
So they all agreed that they'd settle it when they got to the hospital.
Yeah.
So my parents said that they would pick her parents up on the way.
So Frank and Alice are waiting outside their hotel, my dad just drove straight by - and gave them the finger.
- Yeah.
His parents got to the hospital first, and claimed Grandma and Grandpa for themselves.
Yeah.
And her parents got stuck with Nana and Pop Pop.
(CHUCKLING) Which we don't think is funny.
They didn't take it well.
No, I will not be Nana.
I'm already wearing the Grandma sweatshirt, Bev I'm Grandma! Is that how you talk to your clients at your fortune teller business? I am a licensed therapist.
And it is my professional opinion that you are cuckoo! You cheated to get here first.
You drove by and gave me a crude, one-fingered salute.
I I was just surprised to finally see a Navy man.
I sure as hell never saw one when my Army platoon was pinned down by Charlie! We were on a ship.
Oh, yes.
Vietnam was a great sea war.
And it's been 14 years of that.
Yeah.
You know, our folks should come with one of those tornado sirens, so we have time to board up the windows and strap ourselves to the water heater.
That's why we have a time share in Lake Placid - that we have to go to every holiday.
- You do? Yeah.
I love Lake Placid.
It's not real.
He made it up.
It's just an excuse to avoid the battle of the varicose veins.
You know, if you were a good brother, you would stay here and help me.
Well, if you were a smart brother, you would have thought of the fake time share first.
I know.
I'm so jealous.
ANDI: Listen, we can't have both sets of grandparents for the holiday, right? We have to uninvite one of them, and I think my parents deserve Easter this year.
Deserve? I think that's for the Easter Bunny to decide, not you.
Okay, but my parents got stuck with Thanksgiving, and that's a B-team holiday compared to Christmas, which your parents got.
Thanksgiving plus Easter equals Christmas.
That's called math.
Yes, my parents got Christmas, but then they found out we took your parents to Myrtle Beach.
Christmas minus Myrtle Beach equals Easter.
Okay? So put that in your calculator and smoke it.
Look, all I'm saying is that your parents live here, all right? They're with the kids all the time.
My parents only get to see them, like, once or twice a year.
Yeah, but I can't uninvite mine.
Well, I can't uninvite mine.
I can't believe you think your parents should get both Christmas and Easter.
Well, there are reasons.
You remember when your mother cooked Thanksgiving? What's that smell? Hmm? Is that a turkey roasting? No, it's liver.
Our whole house smelled like the inside of a burning cow.
Okay.
The only reason she makes that is because when I first brought you home to meet them, you said you liked it.
I was trying to sleep with you.
I didn't know I was joining the Liver for Life Club.
Will you listen to yourself? You promised we'd never fight about our parents.
Again, I was trying to sleep with you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I got great news.
I have great news, too.
Oh, mine's better.
BOTH: My parents aren't coming.
What? BOTH: Your parents aren't coming? BOTH: Our parents aren't coming! (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah, mine cancelled 'cause they didn't want to see yours.
Mine, too.
(CHUCKLES) They finally agree on something.
Look at that.
- (LAUGHS) - Wow.
- Crisis averted, huh? - Yeah.
God, I feel like I can admit to you now that I was gonna fake a sprained ankle and spend the weekend in bed.
I was gonna do the same thing with lady problems.
(BOTH LAUGH) - We are so cute.
- Yeah.
Why are there body parts in our fridge? Oh.
(CHUCKLES) That's liver, honey.
I-I got it for your nana to cook before she cancelled.
Yeah, Katie, will you take that outside and put it in the trash? I want to eat an Easter dinner that doesn't look like an autopsy.
Ugh.
Wait, put it back in the fridge.
You know, now that I think about it, if your parents aren't coming, I should reinvite mine.
Don't you put that back in the fridge.
(WHISTLES) Listen, if we're gonna reinvite anybody, it should be my parents.
Put it back in the fridge, Kate.
Why does it get to be your parents? Freeze, Katie.
Because my parents are Grandma and Grandpa.
The real deal.
Yours are Nana and Pop Pop.
They're, like, the store brand.
Did you just call my parents the store brand? Okay, I'm putting this down.
The place where I'm holding this is getting warm, and I think I feel a heartbeat.
I thought we agreed not to fight about our parents.
Well, hey, I like the store brand.
I mean, it's cheaper and almost as good.
I'm calling my mom.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Geez, Louise.
Okay, look, maybe there's a third way, okay? Listen, through no fault of our own, a grandparent-free weekend has fallen into our laps.
What if we say nothing? What if we reinvite nobody? We can't do that.
Can we? I'd like to believe we can do anything.
That's what dreams are made of, Andi.
This is really just us making the world a better place.
Hmm.
It's a little thin, but I'm in.
ADAM: Hey.
My dad just called.
Him and Mom are stopping by, okay? But the kids are here.
So? Hey, when you wanted to have kids, I warned you they would be here all the time.
Adam, your parents aren't coming to Easter because we told them my parents were gonna be here.
But they're not coming, and the kids know that.
The kids are here! There it is! But they can't keep a secret.
They'll let it slip, and we'll get busted.
Yeah.
Okay, uh there's only one thing we can do.
Tell your parents the truth and hope for the best? No.
We teach the kids to lie.
Smart.
Yeah.
Your folks will never see that coming 'cause no good parent would ever do that.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, we really should be better people than this, - but look who raised us.
- Right? ANDI: I know we've told you for your whole lives that it's wrong to lie, but it turns out there's one or two exceptions.
Mm-hmm.
That's right.
Now, there's bad lies, which are almost all lies, but occasionally, there's a good lie, or what we like to call a family lie.
Oh, like that time you told us to say Mom's hair looked good? What time was that? No time.
- It always looks good.
- Aw.
(CHUCKLES) See, that's an example of a family lie.
Okay, well, another example would be keeping the fact that Nana and Pop Pop aren't coming to Easter a secret from Grandma and Grandpa.
And if we don't, you get in trouble? Give us a second.
We'll do it for a price.
TEDDY: We want unlimited time with the candy in our Easter baskets.
We eat till we get sick.
Look, I don't care what comes out of your mouth as long as it's not the truth.
BEV: Oh, we just stopped by to let you know that since you have other plans, we'll be going out of town for Easter.
Oh, well, good for you.
Where are you guys gonna go? - Disney World.
- (GASPS) Uh, w-why? What? Why would you guys go there? That's for kids.
Good point.
Hey, kids.
I've got a crazy idea.
Why don't we take all of you? Huh? Oh, Joe, that sounds wonderful.
But they can't come because they've chosen to spend Easter here with what do they call themselves? MeeMu and Flip Flop.
Well, there goes Disney World.
What?! What's happening? - You never said anything about - Whoa, whoa.
You've got a runny nose.
Will you look at that? Let's take you into the pantry where we always handle runny noses, huh? Here you go.
(CHUCKLES) Now, listen.
No, you listen.
I'm going to Disney.
Everything I love is there.
But No buts.
I will end you over this.
Andi! Be right there.
So, Grandma.
Let's circle back to this Disney thing.
Okay, you know what? H Why don't we go help you dad find the tissues? Huh? - It's working.
- Mmm.
We're getting this holiday back.
Emme, we can't go to Disney with Grandma and Grandpa, 'cause Nana and Pop Pop would be so jealous they'd have to - I don't know, move in with us.
- Yeah.
I'm telling Grandma and Grandpa everything.
And then I'm packing for Florida.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay, uh, if you guys stick to our plan and keep everything we've talked about between us, we'll take you to - Disney World.
- What? I was gonna take them to frozen yogurt.
I got a coupon.
Nice try.
I want to hear more from the lady.
We will take you to Disney this summer.
Great.
Peak season.
Why don't you just put all our money in a pile and burn it? Okay, but we need to see dates, receipts, confirmations.
You don't trust us to book it? You literally just taught us to lie.
Okay.
Well, it only took five of us, but we got that runny nose handled.
So are we all going to Disney World? I don't think Nana has ever taken you there, but that's really something a grandma does.
Mom, they're not going to Florida with you.
Are you kidding me? But we-we already bought the tickets.
Did you? Well, we could have.
- This is nice.
- Mmm.
You know how I know there's no grandparents here? Hmm? The Golf Channel isn't playing at the volume of a Who concert.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) ALICE: Andi.
It's Mom and Dad.
What are my parents doing here? Wh? What do we do? Uh, get low and crawl upstairs.
Very funny.
Well, at least it's an idea.
- You got anything? - Yeah, open the door.
Last chance.
Happiness is over in three two one Frank, Alice.
Wow.
Look who it is, Andi.
Boy, Frank, you are full of surprises.
Well, I like to keep things interesting.
We can't all get by on our good looks.
And ever when we do, it doesn't last forever.
Well, I don't have to tell you that.
Get my bag.
- Hi, Daddy.
(LAUGHS) - Hello, kitten.
- Hi, Mom.
- Oh, hi, honey bun.
Ooh.
So, uh, wh-what are you guys doing here? Well, uh, Joe and Bev may have Easter Day, but we're making a new holiday, Easter Eve.
- Where the kids - Mmm.
get baskets full of candy, and they have an egg hunt.
Ah.
But th-that's what they do on Easter.
Oh, no.
Oh, poor Joe and Bev.
It's gonna ruin their Easter Day.
Oh, well.
You know, - the ups and downs of life.
- Yeah.
I am riding that wave right now.
I j I just wish you guys hadn't gone to all this trouble.
What trouble? It was a quick seven-and-a-half hour drive.
Yeah, and we only stopped once, and I peed behind a thorn bush.
- So - Oh.
I'm hoping that you have some Neosporin and a floor mirror.
What a beautiful Easter story, Mom.
She had to cook liver.
The whole house smells like a cat food factory.
So open the window.
That's not gonna do it.
We're gonna need to drop a load of Febreze on this place from one of those firefighting planes.
Okay.
Honey, you need, you need to settle down.
Settle down? I've lied to my folks, paid an arm and a leg to go to stupid Florida.
I will have my quiet holiday, okay? You need to get rid of Meemu and Flip-Flop.
I cannot believe you just called them that.
I did and it was fun.
What happened to not fighting about our parents? Your mother took my shaving mirror two hours ago.
Think of what it's seeing.
Yeah, I saw my dad head upstairs with a flashlight.
It's a real expedition.
Adam, I am not telling my parents to leave, okay? They're here because they love us.
They're here because they're trying to steal what they think is my parents' holiday.
Well, I think my parents are entitled to steal a few holidays, just like your parents stole the good grandparent names.
Why don't you just admit it, huh? You like your parents better than mine.
Of course I do, they're my parents.
Oh, I see.
You know what? I'd go sleep in the guest room if it wasn't full of your parents and liver farts.
Oh.
Come on, honey.
Come here.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry.
Me, too.
I I don't want to fight with you.
They do this to us, you know? If they weren't so miserable together, we could have holidays like normal people.
Yeah.
Like the people in car commercials.
Yeah.
(SIGHS) You know what? I'm done with this.
I'm calling my parents tomorrow, and I am ordering them to come over here for Easter.
We'll sit them all down and we'll tell them we're sick of their fighting.
- Really? - Yeah.
Right to their faces? Yep.
Yeah.
I'm more comfortable just rolling my eyes behind their backs.
Honey, nothing's gonna change unless we change it.
Okay.
You know, I'm not afraid of them.
Good.
Yeah.
I'm glad we're a team on this.
We absolutely are.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
After you do it, be sure to come back up here and tell me how it went.
Eh, eh, that's not how you do it.
You've got to hide the egg, otherwise it's not an egg "hunt," it's an egg "see.
" All right, we can do this.
We just stick together, and we get Andi? I'm coming.
Stop doing that.
It took us 20 minutes to get downstairs.
I don't think a naval officer has to have anything explained to him by an army grunt.
Those are wise words, Admiral Flip Flop.
Boys, boys, come on, let's not fight.
It's Easter.
Bev, try some of my coffee cake.
Your son says it's magical.
Magical, huh? Will it make you disappear back to Virginia? Look at that.
They need to hear this.
Come on.
Okay, that's enough.
We need to talk to you about these holidays, okay? It's not gonna be an easy conversation, but we have to clear the air.
I think he's finally gonna apologize.
What? Me, apologize? For what? For ruining the holidays.
Why is she saying my words? Whenever we're all together, you two are always so tense and agitated.
You're not easy to be around.
You're the ones who cancelled Easter because you said you didn't want to see each other.
We were trying to be nice.
We don't want to put pressure on you, because you're so fragile.
(STAMMERS) The only reason we're tense is because you guys fight all the time.
Yeah, I mean, you seem like you don't like each other.
We're in-laws we're not supposed to like each other.
- I really don't like anybody.
- Mmm.
This generation, they think everybody's supposed to be happy and nice all the time.
An-And, if-if I may Your unrealistic expectations are the cause of the problem.
- Good point.
- Good point.
- That's right.
- Very good.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's true.
Oh.
Well, then, I guess we're Sorry? Somehow, we are.
Oh, they feel bad.
That's nice.
Well, you've really taught us a lesson.
Yeah.
But, you know, unfortunately, guys, I gotta go upstairs.
Lady problems.
What? And, Adam, you better come upstairs and get off that ankle you sprained yesterday.
That is a beautiful family lie.
(ADAM GROANING) Aw - Joe.
- Yeah? Let's watch some golf.
Yeah.
Turn it up.
I love having all you guys here.
Oh, we love being here.
I always forget about this part.
- I like this part.
- Yeah.
But they're the crazy ones, right? Oh, yeah, it's wack-a-doo city over there.
(DOOR OPENS) Hey, what time's the ga Hey.
Whoa.
Look at this.
Marcy, everybody's here.
I see that.
(CHUCKLES) - Well, we just popped in for a second.
- Yeah.
We're heading to our time-share any minute.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
We never get to spend time with you two.
I know, but it's impossible to get out of a time-share.
Everybody knows that.
Right? You told me you got rid of all the grandparents.
Got rid of us? What do you mean, "got rid of us"? Adam, were you trying to have Easter without us? Don's time-share is a fake.
- What?! - What?! What are you doing to me? Happy Easter.
Somebody get this man some liver.