Man with a Plan (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

Put Him on the Ground

1 So, then I said to the eye doctor, "I can't see it.
I can't see it.
I can see it.
It's gone again.
" And he said I was very special, and I might be eligible for a service dog.
Great story, Ma.
And that clocked in at just under 12 minutes.
JOE: Yeah.
And she's told it to everybody the grocer, the pharmacist, some poor bastard who was holding the door for her.
Hey, there's my thoughtful husband.
All right, what is it? Last time she called me thoughtful, I had to clean a pound of hair out of the drain.
That kid Julian is coming over for a playdate with Emme, but I have to take Kate to the doctor, so you have to watch them.
Honey, I thought we agreed no more Julian.
That kid's the worst.
Well, maybe while he's here, he'll see how nice people behave, and it'll rub off on him.
Yeah, only a mom would say that.
It's sweet and packed full of lies.
Dads know better.
Joe, there's no difference between moms and dads.
(SCOFFS) Did you just roll your eyes? No, no, I was making sure all the light bulbs are working.
Okay, I know it's not popular to say these days, but there are some things dads are better at.
The fact that we're so annoying and you keep marrying us proves my point.
We keep marrying you because we're optimists and they make the lids on pickle jars too tight.
Well, he-he's not saying dads are better than moms.
You're not saying that, are you? I said dads are better at some things.
Okay, moms are better at some things, too.
Like what? Don't say cooking and cleaning, boy.
Okay, uh, if we're the same, would you like to take care of that dead squirrel on the roof? I would totally do it, but I saw an owl fly away with it.
And I know it was a mom owl because she handled it like a boss and then didn't spend the next two hours bragging about it.
Ha! (LAUGHS) - Am I right? - Hey, hey.
Oh, high five.
Sorry I'm late.
I found a YouTube channel of cats punching dogs.
ANDI: Ooh.
Is it better than chickens wearing pants? I don't want to get political.
Now that Don is here, I think we should talk - about your knee surgery.
- Oh.
It's in a couple of weeks, and the doctor said he should hire a home health care nurse for during the rehab, but he won't agree.
I don't want some stranger in my house going through my stuff.
What stuff? You mean that jug of nickels? Hey, when the world goes to hell, the guy with the jug of nickels is gonna be living like a king.
I got a can of dimes.
Smaller and twice the value.
You're a good boy, Donny.
- So, about this nurse - I'm not listening to any more of this nurse stuff.
I'll be with the TV.
When I push mute, it stops talking.
Did he really leave, or can I just not see him? He's going through the couch, looking for nickels.
Hey, Joe, I get half of whatever you find.
Boys, your dad's gonna need help, and I can't get him to listen to reason.
He was much easier to control when he was getting that medical marijuana.
Well, his dealer was 85.
It was time to retire.
Someone needs to talk him into getting a nurse, and there's one person at this table he'll listen to.
(GROANS): Oh, Ma.
That's why I need help from his favorite son Don.
What? (CHUCKLES): Dodged that bullet.
I heard it whistle past my ear, and then it hit you.
(IMITATING JOE): 'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.
Hey, that weird kid's looking at you.
Hello, Julian.
Listen, buddy.
Tell your kids to give me the swing.
Well, buddy, you just had your turn, and it's Emme's turn now.
I don't care.
I want to swing now.
Hey, we have something in common.
I don't care, either.
You're a butthead.
You're a butthead.
Two against one.
I guess you're a butthead.
I really don't like that kid.
- He does have some good comebacks.
- (CHUCKLES) So, listen, how am I supposed to get Dad to agree to a home nurse? Good luck.
He never changes his mind about anything.
He still drops his film at the Foto Hut even though it's a frozen yogurt place now.
(SIGHS) Hey, what are you doing here? It's still your turn.
Julian pushed me off the swing.
What? Teddy, did you see this? Yeah, he pushed her right off.
And you didn't do anything? I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Okay, Julian can't think pushing your little sister is okay.
Good thing there's a dad here.
Teddy put him on the ground.
I don't think Mom Mom is not here.
Put him on the ground.
JULIAN: Hey, you pushed me! He did it.
My son defended his sister.
(SNIFFLES) Turn away, Don.
You might see me cry.
So, Butterbean, Daddy was totally right to tell Teddy to put Julian on the ground.
But that's not the kind of thing that Mommy'd understand.
Okay, so, let's play a little game and see who can keep this secret the longest.
(CHUCKLES) I bet I can keep it until I die.
This is gonna be fun.
Okay, now, where's Teddy? I have to tell him, too.
- He's outside playing basketball.
- Okay.
And then I put Julian on the ground, just like Dad told me to.
Right, Dad? Kids, go upstairs.
I need to talk to your father.
Okay, when are we gonna be old enough to stay for one of these? I'm gonna be married someday, and I need to know how to do it.
I'm going.
You told Teddy to push Julian? Yes, I did.
But we don't push people.
No, you don't, 'cause you're a mom.
Come on, join the dads.
It's fun over here.
We push people.
There is no difference between moms and dads.
Look, will you just trust me on this? I handled it.
It's dad time now.
- Okay, but - Hmm.
- this is gonna blow up in your face.
- Wha? And when it does, I'm gonna say "I told you so," 'cause that's something moms are good at.
I think I did society a favor.
There's too many people walking around out there who don't know they're boneheads because they didn't get put on the ground as kids.
Did you get put on the ground as a kid? Of course I did.
And yet you're still a bonehead.
My point stands.
But that was a good one.
That was a good one, yeah.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah, that was a good one.
DON: So, I have to warn you.
My dad's not real keen on getting a nurse.
Maybe you should take off those scrubs so Joe isn't put off when he walks in.
Oh, I think he might be more put off by a topless male nurse.
Your résumé looks good.
Ten years experience, rave recommendations.
At the top it says Funchy.
What's that? Oh, that's me.
I've got "fun" right in my name.
And "chi.
" Oh, here comes Joe.
Let us do the talking.
We had to trick him to get him to come down here.
Is this the guy selling the secret recipe for Coca-Cola? Uh, we actually brought you here to meet Funchy, a home health care nurse for after your knee surgery.
All right, listen up.
I'm gonna talk to you the same way you talk to everybody else.
This is the guy.
He's your nurse, so no bellyaching.
Okay, you win.
I'll just grab a drink, and then we can start the interview.
Then he just walks out the door.
It was the perfect trick.
It doesn't sound like much of a trick.
He just lied and left.
Well, the simplicity is what made it perfect.
It's like ice.
It's just frozen water, but it changed the world.
KATE: Dad, Teddy was using my mascara brush to make it look like he had chest hair.
I just wanted to see what it's gonna look like on me.
It's gonna look so good, you won't mind that's it's also on your back.
Oh, hey.
Your Uncle Don told me you pushed a kid down.
All right, I don't need any more lectures.
MARCY: No, no.
I'm proud.
He always seemed a little soft.
Next time, go for the windpipe.
You can't fight if you can't breathe.
Wait, so you agree with me? Because Andi came out pretty strong against it.
She's soft, just like Teddy used to be.
Oh, there's my boy.
I heard about what happened, and I wanted to give you my old boxing gloves.
If you need it to be over quick, there's a hole inside where you can slip in a couple of batteries.
Kapowie! Hmm? All right, all right, take it easy, champ.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Hey, Kate, you want to go upstairs and see if I can take a punch? Yeah, all right.
Hey, guys.
- (JOE GROANS) - What's the occasion? Well, the occasion is everybody agrees with me about Teddy putting that kid on the ground.
You said it was gonna blow up in my face, but the only thing on my face is a big smile from being right.
Am I really the only voice of reason around here? I hate to say it, but this all comes back to dads are just better at some stuff than moms.
It doesn't even make sense.
Marcy agrees with you, and she's a mom.
It's not the gender.
It's how your relationship works.
And in our relationship, he's the mom.
You tell 'em, Big Daddy.
ADAM: Did you get Dad to agree to that nurse yet? Or did he pull another Mission: Impossible and just walk out right in front of you? Don't worry about me.
I still got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Yeah? If you don't get dad a nurse, the only thing up your sleeve is gonna be sudsy water when you're giving Dad a sponge bath.
Maybe I'll hold on to these nurse résumés.
Now that I'm single, I don't have anyone to take care of me if something happens.
Plus, the company would be nice.
I wish they had a thing for single guys where you could pay someone to hang out with you on lonely nights.
They have that.
Yeah, they'll even dress up like a nurse if you want.
Hi, honey.
I'm surprised you came into work today.
Considering how right I was about Teddy, - I thought you might call in wrong.
- (ANDI LAUGHS) Well, you'd be wrong.
Yeah, 'cause I just had an interesting conversation with Teddy's school.
He spent the morning pushing kids at recess.
What?! Sweet little Teddy took it to the streets? As a mom, I don't condone that.
I didn't tell him to push other kids.
Do you remember what I told you? That this was gonna blow up in your face? (SCOFFS) Let's not live in the past.
Let's be about the future.
Well, the future is gonna be me telling you, "I told you so.
" I told you so.
Welcome to the future.
Principal Collins, we are so sorry.
I mean, I-I'm sorry because he's my kid, and, well, he's sorry 'cause it's all his fault.
Told you so.
Look, Teddy is a good kid.
He just got a little carried away.
I don't think we have to overreact.
Well, due to our zero tolerance policy on fighting, I'm placing him in detention for the rest of the week.
I was just protecting little kids from bullies.
Well, that changes everything.
We are all against bullying here, I I hope.
You're not pro-bully, are you? Of course not.
I thought I was just acting like Batman.
There you go.
Huh? You wouldn't put Batman in detention, would you? Another option might be to give him a little Batsuit and let him do his thing.
(LAUGHS) People think I'm funny at work.
Okay, that's it.
You are off the job.
It is Mom time now.
(LAUGHS) Mom time.
That's funny.
This is not my crowd.
You are in big trouble, mister.
You can't go around pushing people.
All right? You use your words, or you get an adult.
What if that adult is Dad, and he tells me to shove them? Don't take me down with you.
We sleep in the same room.
It is never okay, ever.
What if someone's picking on Emme, and my words don't work, and there's no adults around? Well Well Well, y (SQUEALING) You stumped her, pal.
What a week for you.
I'm not stumped, okay? I'm just taking a moment to figure out how to explain that obviously (SCOFFS) the answer is something I'm gonna tell your dad in the other room.
(SIGHS) - Dad? - Hmm? Am I still in trouble? I think things are looking up for both of us.
Yes, darling? Look, I-I don't know what to say to him.
I mean, I don't want anybody pushing my daughter, / but as a mom, I can't tell him to push another kid.
- Hmm.
So you want me to talk to him? - Yeah.
- Because you're the mom.
- Yeah.
And I'm the What am I again? Rhymes with "glad.
" Bonehead? Going down swinging.
I respect that.
Fine, you're the dad, and there's differences between moms and dads.
Now I really need you to handle this! - It feels so good to be right.
- (SIGHS) This must be what it feels like to be you.
All right.
Teddy, step into the elevator and let's take a ride up to the men's department.
Okay? Here's the deal.
You can't police the world.
Using your words is your first and best option.
But sometimes if your words don't work, you do what you have to do to protect your family.
That is the code that we live by, hmm? You're making it sound like the mob.
Yes! Thank you, Andi.
Thank you.
We are like the mob.
Okay? And like the mob, if you do the crime, you do the time.
So, it's detention at school, and I want you to apologize to those kids from the playground.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So does our mob include my girlfriend? You have a girlfriend? Your first girlfriend? Since when? Since today.
Chicks dig Batman.
Head upstairs and draw on some chest hair, son.
You've earned it.
(IMITATING JOE): You're a good boy, Teddy! - That was pretty good with Teddy.
- Mm.
Hey, you did your part, too.
Nah, you're just saying that.
No, I'm serious.
Moms appeal to kids' better nature, and dads teach them how to defend themselves when other people don't have good moms.
I like that.
Yeah, I can get deep.
It's the beer.
Beer makes me deep.
(CHUCKLES) - Hey, man.
- Hey.
I tried everything, but I can't get Dad to agree to a nurse.
I'm jeopardizing his health, disappointing Mom.
I feel terrible.
(EXHALES) Oh, Don, I hate seeing you like this.
Okay, I'll talk to Dad.
- Ha! No take-backs! - Wha? What? You tricked me! That's right.
It's all on you now.
Whoo! (SIGHS) (GROANS) I don't want to deal with this.
Well, you don't have to do it.
He said no take-backs.
He got me fair and square, Andi.
ADAM: Dad, we need to have a serious conversation about you hiring Funchy.
Can we hurry this up? I left an old lady in a wheelchair by the duck pond, and she is not gonna sleep forever.
I hope.
Why are you doing this? I thought Don was handling the nurse stuff.
Don handed it off to me.
Which I knew he would.
Oh, this is working out just like I planned.
Oh, so all that stuff about him being the favorite was to trick him.
No, no, that part's true.
I just didn't want to hurt his feelings by asking you first.
Well, I'm glad we're not hurting people's feelings.
Hey, look, Dad, we all know that this knee surgery is gonna be tough, and you're gonna need some help.
Okay, okay, you're always looking out for me.
I'm just gonna grab a drink from the kitchen, - and then we can get started.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, uh mm, uh Damn, I guess that only works on Donny.
Listen, you need a nurse, but nobody can argue with you, so I'm gonna have to appeal to your better nature.
That's why I'm calling in my teammate, Andi.
I knew you would ask her to do it.
I pull all the strings in this family.
JOE: Nothing she says is gonna change my mind.
I'm not getting a damn nurse! Okay, let's just see how you do in the hands of a mom.
I love you, and I just just want you to make me proud.
What are you, my Little League coach? I believe you have it in you to try this, because, well, you're the bravest man I know.
- That's powerful because it's true.
- Yeah.
And you know the real reason to get a nurse is to lighten the load for Bev, and I know you'd do anything for your wife.
Fine, I'll have a nurse.
No take-backs.
Ha! We got him.
But I won't be nice to him.
Oh, yay! I'm so glad I got this job.
Let me tell you, this isn't gonna be easy.
He's been real touchy since his pot guy retired to Orlando.
It was medical marijuana.
I only used it for my glaucoma and your mother's boring stories.
I, too, am a big believer in Vitamin Weed.
You should know, if I'm your nurse, I won't be able to pass a drug test.
The good news is, neither will you.
I like him.
But no taking my temperature the baby way.
I don't know what these buttons do, but I just knocked your ass out.
Hey, Funchy.
What are you doing here? He hasn't had his surgery yet.
I brought over a little pre-op medicine if you know what I mean.
I could smell what you mean from the side walk.
Why did you call me? There's a hair ball in my shower drain and I hear you're good at fixing that.
Oh, no problem.
- Let me just get a drink first.
- Yeah.
It's the perfect trick.