Man with a Plan (2016) s03e13 Episode Script

The Intervention(s)

Previously on Man with a Plan - My little sister's here.
- Hey, Kelly.
Why did you when did you come here? They fired you? What happened? I embezzled a tiny bit of money.
I'm jealous of you.
I guess this is like The Tortoise and the Hare.
I'm the sleek, sexy bunny losing to you, the slow, scaly turtle.
(SCREAMING) Thanks for coming by.
We wanted you here because we're having an intervention.
Okay, hold on, a lot of people drink wine at lunch.
No, Marcy, it's not for you.
Oh, this better not be about me and the dog track.
You said you weren't going to the track anymore.
I'm not.
Look, the intervention is for Lowell.
Kelly's got her hooks in him and it's my fault.
Oh, honey, we're not assigning blame out loud.
(CLEARS THROAT) Look, we need your help convincing Lowell to dump her because she's bad for him.
And me.
Since Kelly moved in with him, Lowell hasn't been at work all week.
He's got stacks of whatever he does piling up.
The longer this goes on, the worse it's gonna be for him when she breaks his heart.
He's my friend.
I can't sit by and let that happen.
We're in.
These things are open bar, right? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, your mother told me you're having an intervention.
Are we straightening out the boozer or the gambler? - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - (GASPS) Okay, that's Lowell.
Wait, wait, wait, one more thing, I have watched every episode of Intervention, okay? It is intense, emotional, and almost never works.
Good luck, everybody.
Hey, Lowell.
Oh, you got a little something all over here.
I grew a goatee.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
You love animals and now your face looks like a raccoon walking away.
It was Kelly's idea and I like it.
I get to stroke it when I think about stuff.
That sounds fun.
Maybe I'll grow a No, baby.
Don, why don't you get Lowell a glass of wine? Oh, actually, Kelly's gotten me into scotch.
At first it was awful, but now that it burned off all my taste buds, I love it.
Okay, buddy, h-have a seat.
(CHUCKLES) Why is everyone so serious? Is it my goatee? It does set a mood of sexy danger.
No, no.
No, we're serious because we're having an intervention.
Well, I think Marcy drinks a normal amount.
It's not for Marcy.
Although, we should probably put one on the books for her.
No, it's for you.
Lowell, we love you, and we feel like we're losing you.
They say that every time on the show.
It's how you kick things off.
- What are you talking about? - Kelly.
We're worried that you're happier than us because she's so foxy.
We're worried because you are a good, trusting person, and Kelly is, well, the devil.
She will ruin you.
You got to end it with her.
I'm grateful for all the things she brought into my life.
Before her, I never knew I loved scotch.
(DEEP VOICE): Like an angel's tears.
Look, Kelly is my sister, and I know her better than anyone.
I don't think so.
I know Kelly intimately.
Only 64 other men in the world can say that.
Boy, it sounds like people are having a lot of fun out there.
Kelly and I exchanged stats.
If we compare how many women we've been with, we're tied.
(STAMMERS) Okay, fine.
If you won't listen to us, then listen to him.
Dad, go ahead.
Scare him straight.
All right! Listen here, Lowell.
You've made a lot of changes.
Let's start with the beard.
I like it.
I thought we were fixing the old Lowell, but this one's hairy and drinks scotch.
Rolling around town with a cute broad.
I enjoy you, son.
I used to be you.
Thank you, Joe.
Lowell, I got your text.
Are you okay? - No, they want to break us up.
- (GASPS) Is this true? In our defense, we were trying to do it behind your back.
Should've known you were coming.
I saw a bat fly by the window.
Why would you try to break us up? Look, I don't like confrontation, but I'll just come out and say it.
Adam, say it.
I'll say it.
You're not good enough for him.
What with you being the devil and all.
You know, when I started dating Lowell, I wasn't good enough for him, but he changed me.
I've never had a man so supportive and tender, and then not tender when it's "not tender time.
" (CHUCKLES) And there's someone else I haven't been good enough for, and that's you, Andi.
I have been a terrible sister, but I don't want to compete with you anymore.
I just want to love you.
OTHERS: Aww! Aww? We are not aww-ing, we're boo-ing.
She's never said anything like that to me before.
We are supposed to be a team.
We are a team, but I don't know we lost them.
Read the room, man.
Okay, well, Lowell, I have some information that will show you what kind of person Kelly really is.
She told us that she's just using you to get an instant family.
Try to deny it.
- I don't.
- She already told me.
I see.
Well, that was my big finish.
Now I got nothing left except I think you dress too fancy.
Too fancy, am I right, guys? I like it.
She's classy like Lady Bird Johnson.
Oh, come on.
You guys aren't really buying this new Kelly, are you? I admit it's hard to believe, but without love and honesty, you can't be happy.
That's just another life lesson I learned from my furry little friend.
OTHERS: Aww! Stop doing that.
You stop.
Yeah, leave these two kids alone.
Yeah, why can't you let people be happy? You've never done that once in your life.
I know, but I like to watch it.
Guys, don't gang up on Adam.
He was just trying to do what he thought was best for his friend, and I think that's amazing.
All right.
This is over.
I am intervening on this intervention.
Everybody go home.
How about a hand for a very brave man who stood up for what he believed in? Go home, or I'm gonna call the cops.
Adam, I believe Kelly's changed.
You believe that because you've always wanted a sweet sister.
A good con man sells you what you already want to buy.
Yeah, but if she has the nice, pretty thing I want to buy, why can't I buy it? One of my favorite things about you is that you always see the best in people, but it's also why you bought a case of candy bars from a 30-year-old claiming to raise money for his high school baseball team.
He was dyslexic.
They held him back.
14 times? You need to wise up, lady.
Okay, I-if you're so wise, then what's my sister's motive for pretending to be a good person and care about Lowell? She just got fired.
She's looking for a soft landing, and Lowell is a walking marshmallow.
There is no way she's all of a sudden a different person.
Well, she wasn't completely rotten when we were kids.
You know, one time she found a three-legged kitten and she nursed it back to health.
Oh, really? How do you know that kitten didn't have four legs when it met her? Honey, I just don't want to see you get hurt when Kelly goes back to her old ways, which you know she's gonna do.
She doesn't care about family.
The first time she held our daughter in her lap, Katie was ten.
That's too late and weird.
Look, I'm happy to have Kelly back in my life.
Great, now I got you and Lowell to worry about.
You know what? If you won't listen to me, I'll go find someone else to talk some sense into you.
You're at the bottom of a hole and you're trying to get out by digging deeper.
That's the Adam Burns way.
I'll dig so deep I'll hit water and shoot back up to the top.
"Shoot back up to the top"? It's a hole, not a cartoon fire hydrant.
Will you just talk to Andi, please? Tell her you agree with me? I don't agree with you.
I like Kelly.
I get tired of looking at the same nine people every day.
Then do it for me because I'm your son.
Sorry, boy, I'm Team Kelly.
You need somebody more pliable, that you can manipulate.
Don! Just the guy I'm looking for.
Listen, I'm worried about Andi, and I'm worried about Lowell.
I think you and I need to band together and get rid of Kelly.
This is awkward.
What? Here you go.
Hey, Adam.
What's she doing here? I asked him to take me to the dog track, show me the ropes.
She cares about my interests, Adam.
Plus, she's willing to say she's a diabetic to get the good seats.
Oh-ho, you're good.
Nobody cares about his interests.
All right, I'll let you two have some brother time.
All right, see you later, Kel-Bell.
Kel-Bell? Yeah, and she calls me Don-Don.
We're Kel-Bell and Don-Don.
This isn't gonna work.
She already charmed you.
I need somebody with a heart of stone! Marcy, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Oh, hey, Adam.
Oh, come on.
We just keep running into each other.
Why are you with her? Kelly showed up at my pottery class.
And you don't think that's suspicious? It's never suspicious when someone likes pottery.
It's the world's oldest hobby.
- Isn't that right, Kellybean? - (CHUCKLES) What happened to Kel-Bell? You a bell or a bean? You can call me "sis.
" Never.
- Wh? - (DOOR SLAMS) Seriously? Oh, hey, Adam.
How did you get here so quick? I knew I shouldn't have stopped at Arby's.
My sister brought me flowers in a vase - she made herself.
- (GROANS) It's just a little token to show how much you mean to me.
Aw, I've missed you, Kelly-Belly.
Oh, now the bean bell has a belly.
Well, I better go.
I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.
Hey, you know who Adam reminds me of? That kitten I took in.
He was a brave little guy just like you.
(SNEERS) How many legs that kitten have when you met it? Adam, stop it.
She's being sweet.
Let me tell you something.
Look, all day, I have been going to our friends to enlist their support, and you know who's been there every time doing the same thing? Kell-Bell, Kellybean, Kelly Belly! What kind of crazy person does that? You just said you do.
Look Come on, honey, don't you think you're starting to spin out a little? I mean, maybe she's just going to see our friends because she wants relationships with them.
Or she's tracking me.
I'm under surveillance, Andi.
- What? - Tracking devices.
Aren't you listening? I bet she is.
I'm on to you, Kelly.
(SIGHS) (DOOR SLAMS) What's all this? Adam, we love you and we feel like we're losing you.
(LAUGHING): What? It's an intervention, man.
You're too upset because Kelly's so foxy.
Thanks, Don-Don.
You're having an intervention for me? We want to talk about how you're treating Kelly.
We like Kelly.
We like her more than you.
I appreciate that you're looking out for me, but I love being Kelly's boyfriend.
- I'm darn proud to be number 65.
- Oh.
And I love having my sister back.
You know how sometimes you just go along with things to make me happy? Do that now.
Okay, if she's so wonderful now and really cares about Lowell, then she'll be able to answer a simple question about him.
Kelly, when's Lowell's birthday? February 11.
February 11, huh? (CHUCKLES) Is that right, Lowell? I don't know, is it, Adam? Okay, I got out over my skis on that one.
How about this? When is Andi's birthday? June 15.
You better not ask me if that's right.
Okay, this is a waste of time.
I know I know what I know and I'm not wrong about her.
You're all the wrong ones.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, evil, wrong.
Right! That intervention was a dirty trick.
Hey, you were talking to flowers.
I mean, they put people in hospitals for that.
I'm sorry.
I just don't believe people change.
- You did.
- What? Before we got married, you never talked about your feelings.
Well, I don't want to talk about that.
And you had a hard time admitting when you were wrong.
I disagree.
And you had a real black shoe, white sock problem.
I was into Michael Jackson.
But I stuck with it too long.
Right, when you see evidence that you're wrong, you-you always come around.
So give Kelly a chance.
(SIGHING): Oh, God I'll think about it.
Hey, Kelly.
Uh, thanks for stopping by.
Uh, here, have a seat.
No problem.
The new me always comes when family calls.
But I hope you're not gonna say anything hurtful, because the new me's heart is much more sensitive.
Oh, no, no.
No, actually I wanted to apologize.
A-And as a peace offering, I got you some hummus.
Which, I am told, is yogurt for fancy people.
(CHUCKLES) Here's a spoon.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I just had a tub of hummus, but thanks.
Ah, o-okay.
- Well, okay, here's the thing.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Um I was judging you on past behavior and Andi pointed out that people can change.
So, I wanted to look you in the eye and tell you I'm sorry.
Thank you.
That really means a lot.
A-And, and I hope we can put all this behind us and start fresh.
Of course.
We're family.
We're gonna be in each other's lives forever.
And it's just nice to think that when I sit across from you at Thanksgiving, I will know that I owned you.
What? I got to admit, you were tough.
I knew after the intervention that you were the only one that wouldn't buy the new me.
I haven't changed at all.
In fact, I'm probably a little worse.
(CHUCKLES) So I was right.
Yeah, but I got you acting so crazy that you've lost all credibility.
Which is why I feel comfortable sharing the truth with you now.
No one will believe you.
That's right.
Drink it in.
Oh, and another thing.
Hummus isn't yogurt, you country bumpkin.
Oh, well, um, I'm sorry, I-I didn't know, I Well, since you didn't eat it, I guess - I'll just make you eat your words.
Maybe you did pull that kitten's leg off.
I he thinks he tricked me, but I knew you were in there.
I just said that stuff so you could see that he didn't really mean his apology.
(PANTS) He drugged me.
This is so fun.
You see, what I did was, I convinced Andi to listen to make sure I did a good job apologizing.
But I knew you couldn't resist rubbing it in once I caved.
People don't change.
I wear white socks when you go out of town.
Adam Burns for the win.
Yeah, that's right.
You may have fooled me, but the man I married is pathologically suspicious - and sometimes that comes in handy.
- Mm-hmm.
And I know what hummus is.
I was just trying to make you eat it 'cause it's expired.
Now everyone will believe me.
And Wait.
Where's Don and Marcy? I told them to wait in the pantry, too.
(EXHALES) How much longer do we have to be in here? I don't know.
Adam just said wait in the pantry.
Lowell, we're sorry Kelly's not who you thought she was.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Maybe during this difficult time, you'll find some comfort in the fact that I was right all along.
I can't believe this.
I changed so much for her.
I grew hair on my face and got rid of it everywhere else.
My whole body's a five-o'clock shadow right now.
I've come to say good-bye.
I meant what I said.
I have loved our time together.
Is not being a good person really a deal breaker? Historically, it's been important.
Although you set a high bar sexually, so maybe from time to time we could just No.
- Maybe just sexy Skype? - ADAM: No.
Lowell, go upstairs while we secure the premises.
Maybe use my razor ans shave.
Just the face.
I'll be outside.
I am very sorry for all the hurt I Wait, I don't have to be nice anymore.
Well, you were right.
She is never gonna change.
You can't pick your family.
You are stuck with them.
But the good news is I got to pick you And I definitely got the good sister.
- And only 96 other men can say that.
- Mm.
- What? - I'm kidding.
That's not funny.
I don't like that.