Mandy (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Fish
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave
without taking
But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
This programme contains
some strong language
This programme contains adult humour
TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC CHANGES TO HIGHER TEMPO
Dig in, lads. Don't be shy.
I'm not meant to talk, but, erm
it's a bit awkward otherwise,
isn't it?
Bit weird, you know, just lying here
with bits of fish on me,
but it's actually quite relaxing.
Like sushi, do you?
I wouldn't touch it meself.
I've heard it gives you tapeworm.
One man had a 12 foot tapeworm
inside him. Did you read about that?
No.
Fuckin' disgusting.
Don't let me put you off.
You haven't got a ciggy on you,
have ya?
Gasping for a fag.
Me arms are covered in prawns.
Ta.
MAN GASPS - Mandy Cutter!
No smoking!
Oh, sorry.
It's a cruel culture, in't it?
You be quiet.
Have you seen their game shows?
I said be quiet.
God, it's like Bridge Over The
River Kwai all over again, in't it?
MANDY LAUGHS
You are a racist.
And you're a fish pervert.
You are fired!
Get out! All right.
Fine. I'll get me coat.
You owe me for an hour and half.
I will not pay you one penny.
Right.
Taking that, then.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry. I can't help feeling
a bit bad
about what happened in there.
Is there any way I can make it up
to you? Maybe
take you out for a drink?
You weren't one of the Bulger boys,
were you?
No.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Yeah, you seem quite normal.
Apart from all that naked
sushi stuff.
Yeah, all right.
Pick me up tomorrow night
from Lola's Nail Bar
on the high street. 6.30.
SHE BANGS GONG
See ya then. OK.
Look at this place.
Not a single customer
in two whole days.
Oh, yeah, there's a new place
opened up down the road
that does vaginal steaming.
How do I compete with that?
You could do vaginal steaming.
Eh!
I am not going anywhere near
other ladies' pipes.
Could do fish pedicures.
What is fish pedicure?
It's when you get these little fish,
right, and you put your feet
into the tank, and they very gently
nibble all the dead skin off.
Leaves your feet all smooth
and relaxed.
But where do I get
these little fish?
Leave it to me.
Is that a gong?
Yeah.
MUSIC: The Carnival Of The Animals -
The Aquarium
All right?
Looking for anything in particular?
Er, actually, have you got any of
those fish that eat human skin?
What? You know the fish where,
if you put your feet in the tank,
they'd eat the skin off.
Oh, yeah, I know.
We've got a load of those ones
over here.
Not much call for them,
to be honest.
Great. Stick about 50 in a couple of
buckets for me, there's a good lad.
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪
They're very relaxing to watch, huh?
I always think fish are
the perfect pet.
You don't have to walk them
and you're not that bothered
when they die. Yeah.
You don't get attached
like you would with a snake.
All right, Mandy?
You ready to go for that drink?
Hey. Come and have a look at this.
What is it?
Fish pedicures. Do you want to
give it a go? Be our first customer?
On the house. Yeah.
On the house? I need the money.
This man knows
all the fish perverts.
It'll be round like wildfire.
You'll be swamped.
I've always wanted to try this.
Yeah, just pop your shoes and socks
off and plunge your feet in.
OK.
My dear, would you like
a relaxing cup of green tea
while you're enjoying
your fish pedicure?
Yes, please. Thank you.
You might experience
a slight tingling sensation,
but that's all perfectly normal.
OK.
I can't believe how easy
this thing is. I know.
So, how long do I keep his feet
soaking? Pff.
Ahh.
WATER BUBBLES
Ah-h-h-h!
Ah-h-h!
Oh, my God! What have you done?
Jesus Christ! Ah-h-h!
Ah, Jesus Christ!
Call an ambulance!
Don't worry.
I've seen this on a film.
I need to make a tourniquet.
Ah-h-h!
What is a tourniquet?
It's a thing you wrap around
to stop the bleeding!
LOLA HEAVES
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. ♪
Hiya.
It's me. Oh, it's you.
The woman who made me stick my foot
in a bucket of piranhas.
I feel responsible.
Got the wrong fish.
You think?
It's meant to be Garra rufa fish.
Well, I know that now, don't I?
Looked it up.
How's your foot?
One toe short.
Actually, it's probably too late,
but
found this. Is that my toe?
Well, most of it, yeah.
Aren't you lucky.
Why didn't you pack it in ice?
I'm in a nail salon,
where am I going to find ice?
But you managed to find a
jar of pickles.
Love pickles.
HE SIGHS
I'm really sorry
about what happened,
but I'm going to make it up to you.
Got us two tickets
to the Sea Life Centre.
Really? Oh, yeah.
La mer ♪
I've had a lovely time
at the Sea Life Centre.
Can't believe they let me touch
a manta ray.
Did you know the manta ray has
the largest brain-to-body ratio
of any fish?
Mm.
What's a ratio?
You like your fish, don't ya?
Like 'em?
They're like family to me.
They don't judge me.
They know all my faults
but they still love me.
Bloody hell, that's tragic.
Actually, excuse me a minute,
Mandy, I
Call of nature.
HE GROANS
Thanks.
La mer
A berce mon coeur pour la vie
La mer
Qu'on voit danser
Le long des golfes clairs
A des reflets d'argent
La mer
Des reflets changeant
Sous la pluie
La mer
Au ciel d'ete ♪
You going to be much longer?
I'm burstin' 'ere.
Ses blancs moutons
Avec les anges si purs
La mer
Bergere d'azur infinie
Voyez Voyez
Pres des etangs
Pres des etangs
Ces grands roseaux mouilles
Voyez ces roseaux
Voyez Voyez
Ces oiseaux blancs
Ces oiseaux blancs
Et ces maisons rouilles
La-la-la-la-la
La mer
Les a berces
Le long des golfes clairs ♪
SHE UNZIPS TROUSERS
Et d'une chanson d'amour
La mer
A berce mon coeur pour la vie! ♪
Oh, thank Christ.
TOILET FLUSHES
SHE PULLS ZIP UP
DOOR CLOSES
FOOTSTEPS
Sorry about that. All right.
HE SIGHS
That's better.
Mandy.
It's been a difficult year for me.
First my wife divorced me
and then
my toe got eaten off by a piranha.
Fuckin' hell. But I feel like
I've met a kindred spirit.
Someone I can really talk to.
It feels like
you understand me, Mandy.
I may have lost a toe
but have I gained a soulmate?
Jeff, I should say
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hm.
Mm.
I should have kept this
in the fridge longer.
Mm. Interesting, though, isn't it?
Biscuity.
Actually, it's all right, in't it?
I'd get it again. Mm.
Mm.
What?
What's going on?
What's happening?
Here, have some more wine.
My fish. They're dying!
They're not.
They're just having a nap.
They're dying. What have you done?
Why are they dying?
Old age? All at once?
Well, maybe one died of old age
and the others have heartbreak.
Get out of my flat, you witch!
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪
How was your date? I've had worse.
He wasn't right for me.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
MANDY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
Very funny.
You!
Mandy Cutter! Fuckin' hell.
Brace yourself.
You have my gong.
Without this gong,
we have been unable to serve sushi
for three days.
That's a bit over the top.
Give me back my gong.
Finders keepers, losers weepers.
You are so childish.
Mandy, please.
Sir, welcome to my shop.
Take back your gong.
I will.
But I'm still very unhappy.
Because losing the gong brings
great dishonour upon ancestors?
No. Because gongs are expensive
and hard to get hold of.
You think you can just
go into Tesco Metro and buy a gong?
HE SCOFFS
Think again.
Oh, look. I wasn't thinking straight
and I took your gong.
I'm sorry.
How 'bout a free treatment
on the house?
We do fish pedicures.
Fish pedicure?
Well, I suppose so.
Great.
Lola.
Get the buckets.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Mr, can you tell me
where my love has gone?
He's a Japanese boy. ♪
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave
without taking
But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
This programme contains
some strong language
This programme contains adult humour
TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC CHANGES TO HIGHER TEMPO
Dig in, lads. Don't be shy.
I'm not meant to talk, but, erm
it's a bit awkward otherwise,
isn't it?
Bit weird, you know, just lying here
with bits of fish on me,
but it's actually quite relaxing.
Like sushi, do you?
I wouldn't touch it meself.
I've heard it gives you tapeworm.
One man had a 12 foot tapeworm
inside him. Did you read about that?
No.
Fuckin' disgusting.
Don't let me put you off.
You haven't got a ciggy on you,
have ya?
Gasping for a fag.
Me arms are covered in prawns.
Ta.
MAN GASPS - Mandy Cutter!
No smoking!
Oh, sorry.
It's a cruel culture, in't it?
You be quiet.
Have you seen their game shows?
I said be quiet.
God, it's like Bridge Over The
River Kwai all over again, in't it?
MANDY LAUGHS
You are a racist.
And you're a fish pervert.
You are fired!
Get out! All right.
Fine. I'll get me coat.
You owe me for an hour and half.
I will not pay you one penny.
Right.
Taking that, then.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry. I can't help feeling
a bit bad
about what happened in there.
Is there any way I can make it up
to you? Maybe
take you out for a drink?
You weren't one of the Bulger boys,
were you?
No.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Yeah, you seem quite normal.
Apart from all that naked
sushi stuff.
Yeah, all right.
Pick me up tomorrow night
from Lola's Nail Bar
on the high street. 6.30.
SHE BANGS GONG
See ya then. OK.
Look at this place.
Not a single customer
in two whole days.
Oh, yeah, there's a new place
opened up down the road
that does vaginal steaming.
How do I compete with that?
You could do vaginal steaming.
Eh!
I am not going anywhere near
other ladies' pipes.
Could do fish pedicures.
What is fish pedicure?
It's when you get these little fish,
right, and you put your feet
into the tank, and they very gently
nibble all the dead skin off.
Leaves your feet all smooth
and relaxed.
But where do I get
these little fish?
Leave it to me.
Is that a gong?
Yeah.
MUSIC: The Carnival Of The Animals -
The Aquarium
All right?
Looking for anything in particular?
Er, actually, have you got any of
those fish that eat human skin?
What? You know the fish where,
if you put your feet in the tank,
they'd eat the skin off.
Oh, yeah, I know.
We've got a load of those ones
over here.
Not much call for them,
to be honest.
Great. Stick about 50 in a couple of
buckets for me, there's a good lad.
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪
They're very relaxing to watch, huh?
I always think fish are
the perfect pet.
You don't have to walk them
and you're not that bothered
when they die. Yeah.
You don't get attached
like you would with a snake.
All right, Mandy?
You ready to go for that drink?
Hey. Come and have a look at this.
What is it?
Fish pedicures. Do you want to
give it a go? Be our first customer?
On the house. Yeah.
On the house? I need the money.
This man knows
all the fish perverts.
It'll be round like wildfire.
You'll be swamped.
I've always wanted to try this.
Yeah, just pop your shoes and socks
off and plunge your feet in.
OK.
My dear, would you like
a relaxing cup of green tea
while you're enjoying
your fish pedicure?
Yes, please. Thank you.
You might experience
a slight tingling sensation,
but that's all perfectly normal.
OK.
I can't believe how easy
this thing is. I know.
So, how long do I keep his feet
soaking? Pff.
Ahh.
WATER BUBBLES
Ah-h-h-h!
Ah-h-h!
Oh, my God! What have you done?
Jesus Christ! Ah-h-h!
Ah, Jesus Christ!
Call an ambulance!
Don't worry.
I've seen this on a film.
I need to make a tourniquet.
Ah-h-h!
What is a tourniquet?
It's a thing you wrap around
to stop the bleeding!
LOLA HEAVES
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. ♪
Hiya.
It's me. Oh, it's you.
The woman who made me stick my foot
in a bucket of piranhas.
I feel responsible.
Got the wrong fish.
You think?
It's meant to be Garra rufa fish.
Well, I know that now, don't I?
Looked it up.
How's your foot?
One toe short.
Actually, it's probably too late,
but
found this. Is that my toe?
Well, most of it, yeah.
Aren't you lucky.
Why didn't you pack it in ice?
I'm in a nail salon,
where am I going to find ice?
But you managed to find a
jar of pickles.
Love pickles.
HE SIGHS
I'm really sorry
about what happened,
but I'm going to make it up to you.
Got us two tickets
to the Sea Life Centre.
Really? Oh, yeah.
La mer ♪
I've had a lovely time
at the Sea Life Centre.
Can't believe they let me touch
a manta ray.
Did you know the manta ray has
the largest brain-to-body ratio
of any fish?
Mm.
What's a ratio?
You like your fish, don't ya?
Like 'em?
They're like family to me.
They don't judge me.
They know all my faults
but they still love me.
Bloody hell, that's tragic.
Actually, excuse me a minute,
Mandy, I
Call of nature.
HE GROANS
Thanks.
La mer
A berce mon coeur pour la vie
La mer
Qu'on voit danser
Le long des golfes clairs
A des reflets d'argent
La mer
Des reflets changeant
Sous la pluie
La mer
Au ciel d'ete ♪
You going to be much longer?
I'm burstin' 'ere.
Ses blancs moutons
Avec les anges si purs
La mer
Bergere d'azur infinie
Voyez Voyez
Pres des etangs
Pres des etangs
Ces grands roseaux mouilles
Voyez ces roseaux
Voyez Voyez
Ces oiseaux blancs
Ces oiseaux blancs
Et ces maisons rouilles
La-la-la-la-la
La mer
Les a berces
Le long des golfes clairs ♪
SHE UNZIPS TROUSERS
Et d'une chanson d'amour
La mer
A berce mon coeur pour la vie! ♪
Oh, thank Christ.
TOILET FLUSHES
SHE PULLS ZIP UP
DOOR CLOSES
FOOTSTEPS
Sorry about that. All right.
HE SIGHS
That's better.
Mandy.
It's been a difficult year for me.
First my wife divorced me
and then
my toe got eaten off by a piranha.
Fuckin' hell. But I feel like
I've met a kindred spirit.
Someone I can really talk to.
It feels like
you understand me, Mandy.
I may have lost a toe
but have I gained a soulmate?
Jeff, I should say
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hm.
Mm.
I should have kept this
in the fridge longer.
Mm. Interesting, though, isn't it?
Biscuity.
Actually, it's all right, in't it?
I'd get it again. Mm.
Mm.
What?
What's going on?
What's happening?
Here, have some more wine.
My fish. They're dying!
They're not.
They're just having a nap.
They're dying. What have you done?
Why are they dying?
Old age? All at once?
Well, maybe one died of old age
and the others have heartbreak.
Get out of my flat, you witch!
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪
How was your date? I've had worse.
He wasn't right for me.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
MANDY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
Very funny.
You!
Mandy Cutter! Fuckin' hell.
Brace yourself.
You have my gong.
Without this gong,
we have been unable to serve sushi
for three days.
That's a bit over the top.
Give me back my gong.
Finders keepers, losers weepers.
You are so childish.
Mandy, please.
Sir, welcome to my shop.
Take back your gong.
I will.
But I'm still very unhappy.
Because losing the gong brings
great dishonour upon ancestors?
No. Because gongs are expensive
and hard to get hold of.
You think you can just
go into Tesco Metro and buy a gong?
HE SCOFFS
Think again.
Oh, look. I wasn't thinking straight
and I took your gong.
I'm sorry.
How 'bout a free treatment
on the house?
We do fish pedicures.
Fish pedicure?
Well, I suppose so.
Great.
Lola.
Get the buckets.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Mr, can you tell me
where my love has gone?
He's a Japanese boy. ♪