Mapleworth Murders (2020) s01e12 Episode Script

Help!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Ow! That hurts like a motherfucker!
Ow!
Possum tits, that hurts!
[SIGHING]
GILBERT: Abigail.
Oh, no!
Abigail.
Uh
Oh, that's not right. Uh
- Ah!
- Oh.
Ah! Monster!
Abigail, it's me, it's Gilbert!
What? Who?
Gilbert, your, um, husband.
Who you loved before the amnesia.
Nice try, Gilbert.
What are you doing here?
Well, I like a little self-care too,
but, uh, I saw your pubic message
and I wanted to make sure you were safe.
That's very kind,
but you smell like sushi
that's been sprayed with men's cologne.
Well, what happened here?
Well, I was taking a nice sauna,
and someone locked me in there
and turned up the heat.
[ABIGAIL COUGHS]
It was more terrifying
than that solstice vaginal
steam I had earlier.
Hey, I got that one too.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]
Ding-dong.
I don't like just laying
here and doing nothing!
I feel as useless as a
penis at the Lilith Fair!
Aunt Abigail, I know
you're a real tough bitch.
But you have to let me help you.
So let me help you!
Listen to your niece.
Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom?
[ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]
Did you just let yourself in?
Well, I don't mean to intrude,
but I took the liberty
of hiring you a bodyguard
for the next few weeks.
I can't have you dying before
you finish your next novel.
You got a really weird sense of humor.
I am trying to lighten the mood
and make you feel safer.
This is your bodyguard whose name is
- Yoda.
- Yoda.
Wait, that That can't be right.
You're named after Yoda?
Jedi master Yoda?
Resident of Dagobah?
Original seat on the
My parents named me Yoda way
before those stupid movies!
Everything was fine and then
Empire Strikes Back comes out
and Yoda's the name of
a weird, little monster.
JERRY: Okay, well, uh
Yoda will be at your
front door all night
so that you can finally get some sleep.
Nah, we don't need him.
I'm actually incredibly strong
and can really fuck someone up.
Bring it.
It's all right, Heidi.
I'm too tired to argue tonight.
Let the men be men.
- Well, then it's settled.
- HEIDI: All right.
Everyone, get out. My aunt
needs some beauty sleep.
Beauty sleep? You could not
get any more beautiful.
No need to butter me up like a
hunk of hot sourdough, Jerry.
Abigail, your skin looks amazing.
That mud mask did wonders.
HEIDI: Shoo.
Aunt Abigail?
I'm gonna sleep in the
dogs' room tonight
so that you can rest.
All right.
Now get some sleep.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SNORING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CREAKING]
[CHUCKLES]
Ah, yeah. Oh, I
[GRUNTING]
Yoda.
To jail you are going.
Why'd you say it like that?
That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars.
Never saw it, but let me try.
[YODA EXHALES]
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Abigail, I am your killer.
You sure you've not seen the films?
Because that sounds like Darth Vader.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Don't talk about my little brother!
Time to say goodnight
forever, Mrs. Mapleworth.
Think, Abigail.
How would you write
yourself out of this one?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Mrs. Mapleworth froze as her
nemesis moved towards her
in all his hunkiness.
She was reminded of a recent
self-defense class she attended,
taught by a handsome woman named Dallas,
who had arms of steel and
fingers like feathers.
Hyah!
[GRUNTS]
You're a force of nature, Mapleworth!
Are you dating anyone?
Namaste on the floor, dipshit.
[GONG SOUNDS]
Mrs. Mapleworth.
Ha!
And this!
And another one of these, and
[GRUNTS]
And we have a double elbow
to the testiculars.
Get your ass out of my face!
[ABIGAIL YELLS]
[MUFFLED] Don't move!
Don't move a muscle.
- What?
- I got flustered.
Aunt Abigail, are you okay?
I'm peachy.
You are going to jail.
For attempted murder.
What's your name? What's your name?!
- His name's Yoda.
- BILLS: Yoda?
As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda?
It's a pretty stupid name.
Pewntz! Cuff him!
- He's not here.
- [SOFTLY] He's not here.
Hold this, hold this, hold this.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, have that smirk on your face
when you get in that bunk
with your cellmate who likes to spoon.
Hey, where'd you get
these from, Toys "R" Us?
Shut up. So we finally
found the murderer.
ABIGAIL: No, Bills.
- Yoda is simply a paid assassin.
- Assassin!
All the black outfit, I knew it!
Same thing happens in all
the James Bond movies.
Dude always wears black.
- He is not the murderer.
- Not the murderer!
I was gonna say that until
you stole my words.
But now, I know who
the real murderer is.
Don't worry, Morty.
Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable
to finish her new novel
because she's dead,
I have something I think
you're gonna like a lot more.
Hello, Jerry.
[STAMMERING] Abigail.
You're alive! I mean, you're not dead.
I mean, you're alive. Damn it!
- What's this, Jerry?
- No, nothing!
Oh, you thought with me out of the way,
you could sell Morty some
of your own writing?
No! No, I mean, I wrote it.
It's my first novel.
But it's pretty good if you ask me.
"Something incredible happened
and I'm going to tell you the
whole entire story right here."
That's terrible writing,
it's really shit.
And what is this trash font?
Comic Sans Any Talent?
Fine, I get it. Sprinks stinks.
Call me crazy, but I wouldn't
mind reading that.
ABIGAIL: Shame on you, Jerry!
Trying to get me out of the way
in order to further your own career?
I would never in
You would and you did! Take him away!
Oh, thank God,
for once we're gonna get a
long, drawn-out Maple log.
But how did you know it was him?
Please explain it to us in detail.
You stupid asshole!
Well, I was initially
suspicious of Jerry
when he complimented my skin.
There were only three people who knew
that I had a mud mask on at that spa.
Myself, Gilbert and the person
that locked me into the sauna.
This is ridiculous.
And he's my agent, that's why all
the books were in the car's trunk.
What about the orange nail polish?
It wasn't orange nail polish at all.
It was orange-colored pencil.
The same pencil he uses
to edit all my books.
And also to do his color-by-number
paintings in his office.
What about the tissues?
Clearly, he has an insatiable
masturbation habit.
He likes to pop his Perignon.
That is a disgusting lie.
I shove tissues down
the front of my pants
to create a bigger pelvic topography.
That's not better.
Okay, fine, you know what?
Yes, I tried to kill you.
I'm sorry.
I loved watching you fly at first,
but then I wanted to
be the one with wings.
I guess I should have
told you a long time ago.
Jerry, if you told me a long time ago,
I would have fired you.
I don't want to mentor anyone.
Well, of course,
besides my niece, Heidi.
I think we actually mentor
each other, don't we?
- Okay.
- BILLS: Gilbert, cuff him.
This is the hardest part of my job.
Because I'm not good at these.
I'm not really good at
putting this Ow.
- JERRY: You okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
- Watch your thumb this time.
- Okay.
- There we go.
- Is that too tight?
- No, that's fine.
- All right.
I want to thank all of you.
Minus Jerry.
Heidi, thank you for saving me
from the dildo stick of dynamite.
Chief Bills, thank you
for saving me from Yoda.
And, Gilbert, thank you for rescuing me
from Crock-Potting it in the sauna.
Well, I guess there's just one
last mystery for me to solve.
I can't find my favorite
neck massager
Purple Princess.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]