Mapp and Lucia (2014) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 SHE MISHITS PIANO NOTES HE PLAYS PIANO BADLY Naughty! Oh, come on, Georgie! BOTH PLAY MOZAR Yes, that's better! Hee-hee! Now, there are three types of sandwiches - potted meat, fish paste and caviar.
And some of the Scotch shortbread I know you're so fond of, Padre.
Tuck in! Oh, Susan, dear! NOTE PERFECT, ACCOMPLISHED PIANO PLAYING Ah! Divine Mozartino.
It's been an age since I looked at that piece.
Yes, me too! I think we did rather well.
CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY Ace of spades.
And spades are trumps, are they? I can't remember.
My king attacks in vain, God bless him.
Your trick, Mrs Bartlett, well played.
Ha-ha, well, what a hash you made of that hand, Major! If you had picked out your cards at random, you couldn't have played any worse.
'Pologies, Miss Elizabeth.
I played like a baby.
Won't happen again.
Susan, Diva, have some more food.
There's heaps left and, well, it can't be saved.
We are replete, thank you, Elizabeth.
Irene? No, thanks, Mapp, not got much of an appetite.
What time is it? ALL: Ten to seven.
Oh, well, in that case, it's beddy-byes for me.
Oh, no, nonsense, dear, it's far too soon to leave off.
In fact, we were just about to start a new rubber, weren't we, Major? Er, 'pon my word, if it is close upon seven, then I, um One of the most charming evenings of bridge my wife and I have ever spent, Miss Mapp.
So many thanks.
But the caviar sandwiches Delicious.
Good night, dear.
Aye, we'll call it a nicht.
Au reservoir.
Diva your winnings! Only coppers.
Pick it up another time.
Good night! So many thanks.
Caviar sandwiches?! Lumpfish roe more like.
Wonderful to see you.
What shall I do with the food, miss? ~ Throw it.
~ All of it? Yes, Withers, are you deaf? All of it! Not the caviar, obviously.
I'll have that for lunch.
I think Tilling will be very good for our drawing, Georgie.
Mmm, we were doing nothing but trees and clouds in Riseholme and they needn't be straight.
~ Well, I've got the crooked chimney, the one beyond your house.
~ Oh, yes.
Yes, I think I'll straighten it.
Otherwise people might think I've drawn it crooked by accident.
~ Good morning! ~ Elizabeth.
Nice to see you up so early after your little entertainment last night.
I was completely worn out after my bridge party! May I peep? Ah, yes.
Ahhhhh! Ohh The crooked chimney.
Of course.
Charming.
CAR HORN BEEPS ~ We shall have to move.
~ Tiresome A thousand apologies! I had no idea who it was, and for what artistic purpose, occupying the roadway.
I would instantly have retreated and gone round the other way had I perceived in time.
You must send your sketches to be considered for the Summer Exhibition, Mrs Lucas.
Oh, I'm not sure the Royal Academy would consider that I No, no, the Tilling Exhibition.
Algernon and I are on the hanging committee, along with Miss Mapp.
I am sure we would look favourably upon your submissions.
Oh, we must redouble our efforts, Georgie.
I'm sure the standard in Tilling is exceedingly high.
Indeed it is, but we do welcome entries from all levels of ability.
Well, good luck, Lulu darling.
Submissions must be in by noon tomorrow.
Au reservoir! Au r-r-r-reservoir.
So sorry to have intruded.
So sorry, so sorry.
A summer exhibition! How exciting! I fear I must start over.
And there she was, in the middle of the road, sketching, if you please! Without any thought for passing traffic.
She practically begged me to accept her rubbishy little effort for the summer exhibition What are you doing, dear? Oh, toxins.
Got to flush out all the uric acid.
Read about it in the Woman's Welfare.
Eight glasses an hour.
Or is it eight a day? Well, it's the latest thing.
~ What happened to Christian Science? ~ I've gone off Christian Science.
I recited The True Statement of Being till I was blue in the face, but it didn't make a blind bit of difference.
The True Statement of Balderdash was a fitter name for such quackery.
~ What-ery? ~ Quackery.
Well, I've sent off for a new health plan as a matter of fact, but if you're going to be sniffy about it Darling Diva, let us not have cross words over your Is it too cruel to call them fads? We should be building bridges, not letting interlopers and Christian scientists come between us.
Come and dine with me tomorrow evening.
~ Can't.
~ Oh? ~ Lucia's having a cocktail party.
~ I see.
She's thanking everyone who helped her with the fete, and as you refused to Well, you shouldn't be so mean, Elizabeth.
I should be getting on with my jam-making anyway.
I can't let all your lovely garden produce go to waste, can I? That's all right, then.
Now if you'll excuse me Oh, I think the floodgates are about to open! ~ Good night, ma'am.
~ Mm, mm.
OWL HOOTS COCKEREL CROWS Good morning, ma'am.
Grosvenor, send this to the framer's immediately and ask them to forward it to Miss Mapp's house.
Foljambe will do the same with Mr Pillson's.
~ I think they will work well as a pair.
~ Very good, ma'am.
Hmm.
Very good, ma'am.
Mr Pillson! Mr Pillson! What is it, Foljambe? All this came for you, sir.
From your sisters.
BARKING Sh! Oh, dear Let's just keep this to ourselves for now, Foljambe.
We were deep in the jungle outside Jaipur.
I'd just sat down for a spot of tiffin when he was on me.
I slashed it, just like that, with my riding whip, right on the villain's nose.
I snatched up the rifle and fired it point-blank at the heart.
Boom! Beast rolled over.
Dead.
Goodness.
Morning, Pillson, old chap.
To what do I owe the, er? I'm terribly sorry to wake you, Major, ~ I shall come back when it's more convenient ~ Nonsense! Just lost track of time, that's all.
I was up late revising my Indian diaries Well, I just wanted to have a brief word with you, if you don't mind, about golf.
Golf? Yes, I believe there is a golf field quite close to Tilling.
We drove by it on the way in.
Play a little, do you? Not recently, though I used to play with my sisters.
~ Eh? ~ Golf, I mean.
I'd be very grateful if you could jot down the details for me.
Please.
Absolutely.
Fellows our age need to do a bit of exercise, else we start going to seed, know what I mean? ~ Yes ~ Take a seat.
~ Thank you.
~ Quai hai! These just came from the framer's, Miss.
From Mrs Lucas and Mr Pillson.
Good! If there's one thing I know that woman can't do, it's draw Should I throw the paper, Miss? No.
Call the delivery boy back and tell him I have another errand for him.
"Dear Mrs Lucas.
"Many thanks for your submission.
"Unfortunately, due to limited wall space, "it will not be possible on this occasion" Oh.
Georgie, have you received? ~ 'Yes, just now.
' ~ So have I.
So cruel of her.
It's barbaric.
Well, there are three people on the committee, Georgie.
~ 'It must have been a majority vote.
' ~ It's a declaration of war.
I feel like the 4th of August, 1914.
BARKING ~ 'What's that noise?' ~ Nothing, nothing.
'W-W-What will you do?' I shall take a season ticket for the exhibition Sorry, I can't quite hear you.
I shall take a season ticket for the exhibition and go there every day.
'It's the only way to take it.
They might not want our pictures' but we mustn't be small about it.
Dignity, Georgie, dignity.
Absolutely.
~ Hello.
~ How do you do? ~ Very many lovely submissions for us to choose from.
~ Oh, splendid.
I haven't looked through them all myself.
Padre, Mrs Padre, any news? Mr Pillson called on Major Flint this morning.
They were talking about golf.
The window was open, I couldn't help overhearing.
Well, well, Aunt Georgie's got a bit more sauce in him than I thought.
Here, I'm just about to submit this to the art show.
They're meeting now at Mapp's, I believe.
What do you think? It's called Female Wrestlers.
Aye'tis a bonny scene.
The one on the left is Lucy.
Uncanny.
The committee will hate it, of course, but I don't care.
This town could do with shaking up a bit.
~ Ach, well, a wee bit argle-bargle keeps the talk lang.
~ Absolutely.
DOG BARKING Isn't that Mr Pillson? I didn't know he kept a dog.
Who's walking who? Quai hai, Pillson! This way, Tiptree, this way.
Ohh! Tiptree! Tiptree, Tiptree, you naughty dog! I'm so terribly sorry.
Tipsie! Tipsie! ~ Woff! ~ Oh! ~ And off he goes.
Ahh, yes, there there.
Ah, Elizabeth, so glad you could make it at such short notice.
I can't imagine where your invitation could have got to.
Not to worry, darling Lulu, all's well that ends well.
Lovely cocktails by the way, have you been peeking at my recipe books again? Some punch, madam? ~ May as well drink poison.
Full of chromagens.
~ Oh, dear.
Stick to water, doing me the world of good.
Oh, excuse me I believe you challenged the Major to a round of golf, Mr Pillson? Yes, yes, perhaps once I have my sticks Clubs, Georgie, even I know that.
We'll see if the milliner can beat the military, eh what! Ha-ha! Very droll.
~ Susan, dear, so delighted you could make it.
~ Delighted to be here.
~ Algernon, what a joy.
~ Dear lady.
~ Now you must have some punch.
~ Oh, I think Grosvenor seems to have stepped out.
~ Allow me, dear lady.
~ Ah.
~ Thank you, Algernon.
How well I remember seeing you drawing that and how long I took to forgive myself for having disturbed you in my blundering car.
A perfect little masterpiece.
Mallards Cottage and the crooked chimney.
To the life.
Perfectly delightful.
The lights, the shadows What a touch! I think I'll just take a tour around the garden.
My roses will never forgive me How I wish I'd known you had finished it! I should have begged you to allow us to have it for our Art Exhibition.
It would have been the gem of it.
Cruel of you, Mrs Lucas.
But I sent it in to the hanging committee.
And Georgie sent his, too, of Mallards.
But they were sent back to us.
But impossible! I am on the committee myself and I hope you cannot think I should have been such an imbecile.
Susan, this gem, this little masterpiece never came before us.
Never! There has been some hanky-panky.
Algernon, please! That picture never came before the hanging committee.
I think what happened is that the framer misunderstood our servants' instructions and they returned the pictures to us before the committee had sat at all.
So you never saw them! ~ No.
~ But what must you have thought of us? That you did not conscientiously think much of our art.
I felt sure that my little picture had a hundred faults and feeblenesses.
How we congratulate ourselves that all is now clear.
What a stupid, stupid errand boy! Hm.
Algernon, our exhibition must secure Mrs Lucas's picture immediately, ~ and Mr Pillson's too.
~ Oh, yes.
~ Thank you.
Of course, of course, but how are we to find room? Everything is hung.
Oh, I'm sure the committee will think of something.
Such a bright idea of Mr Wyse's, putting both your piccies on easels.
Makes them quite the highlight of the exhibition.
And your pretty watercolour, Elizabeth, where's that? On the wall just behind yours, precious one.
People might just catch a glimpse of it if they stretch on their tippytoes.
Oh, yes, it's delightful.
Mr Wyse, I wish to purchase Miss Mapp's painting.
Aha! A sale! And I should like to purchase Mrs Lucas's.
Oh, thank you so much.
~ Sale! ~ I do hope you enjoy it.
Slight shame to split up the pair, though, don't you think? Mm, mm.
Mm.
Sale! Ohh! RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE Are ye going early, Mistress Mapp? CHAMPAGNE CORKS POP INDISTINCT CHATTER INDISTINCT CHATTER INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER SHE SIGHS ~ FLESH SIZZLES ~ Ahh! Blast! DOORBELL RINGS Withers! DOORBELL RINGS Withers! DOORBELL RINGS Yes? Hady ommm, hady ommm, hady ommm.
May I speak to the lady of the house? I am she.
Beloved lady, I am he you have been searching for.
I am your guru.
Peace be to this house.
Ommm! Do you want me to get rid of him, Miss? Not just yet, Withers.
He looks so peaceful and contented.
What does a Guru do, Miss? No idea.
But no-one else in Tilling has got one, that's for sure.
Mrs Wyse bought Mr Wyse's teacup and wallflower, Mr Wyse bought Mrs Wyse's King Of Italy as a present for his sister - she's married to an Italian count.
Kenneth bought my Autumn Mists and I bought his Saint George And The Dragon.
That was very decent of you and Mapp to pose for that one.
Don't fret, Evie dear, just my little joke.
What the? DOG BARKS Lucia! You'll never guess in a hundred years what I've just seen! Don't be tantalising, how can I possibly guess? ~ Diva with a pink elephant.
~ No ~ Mr Wyse wearing Susan's fur coat.
~ If you're not going to be serious Elizabeth with an Indian in an orange turban.
Yes! But how? You saw them, didn't you? Well, she did parade him rather ostentatiously, I could hardly fail to notice.
~ Any other news? ~ But who do you suppose he is? Evie thinks he looks like a maharajah.
~ Wouldn't that be thrilling? ~ For Major Flint, perhaps, who has some knowledge of the Indian subcontinent.
How is he, by the way? The pair of you seem very chummy all of a sudden.
Oh, Lucia, you're perfectly maddening! Aren't you in the slightest bit curious about Elizabeth's Indian? No such gentleman has been presented to me, Georgie, therefore I must remain officially ignorant of his existence.
I think you will agree that's the proper thing to do.
~ Diva not with you? ~ She isn't well.
~ Dr Dobbie thinks she's suffering from water retention.
~ Oh, dear.
Guru, dear, I would like to introduce you to a neighbour of mine.
My dearest friend, Evie Bartlett.
Oh, yes, beloved lady, I know her already.
For I can see into her clear, white soul.
I believe she is a lady of the most extraordinary sanctity.
Peace be unto you, my friend.
How do you do, Guru? I am always well because I follow the Way.
Which way? Yoga, gracious lady, yoga and meditation.
Let us meditate together, yes? Ommm! Ommm! He seems so very much How shall I put it? So very much sent to me.
I don't even know his name, and his religion forbids him to tell me it.
He is just my guru.
My guide.
He has the spare bedroom, where he "meditates" and does Prana and Pranayama, which is breathing.
You stop up one nostril, inhale through the other THEY INHALE .
.
hold and release.
THEY EXHALE Yes, most bracing.
'Yoga is a union of mind and body.
'It appeals to people, like myself, 'who are very spiritual' My Guru has no money at all, which is quite beautiful of him.
And he looked so pained and disappointed when I suggested that I might give him some.
Oh, and the way he has with food! Ah, Major.
I am rather hoping you might be able to dine with me tonight? Ah, apologies, Mrs Lucas.
Prior engagement.
~ Oh.
Another time perhaps.
~ Indeed.
Good morning.
MAPP: Major, come in.
What that man cannot do with some mutton, flour and coriander seed is nobody's business.
Ooh, top drawer, old chap.
One more cup of tea and then I must chase you away, for Guru has to commune with his Guides at least twice a day.
I seem to feel the call.
And if I may, Guru, what do your Guides tell you? They say, "Go where sent, "stay if needed.
" He sometimes leaves out little words because they don't really matter.
~ DOORBELL RINGS ~ Oh, more guests! Do excuse me.
CHANTING: Om-m-m-m! ~ Where is he? ~ Where's who? My Guru! ~ Your Guru, dear? ~ Yes.
I'm the one who sent away for him.
Oh, and there's me thinking he was a free-minded human being and not an item in the Eaton's Catalogue.
Don't be sarcastic, Elizabeth.
I wrote to the London Hindu Society weeks ago asking about an instructor in Yoga.
Well, I mean, I-I-I showed it to you in my magazine! Quite a coincidence, but my Guru said that I was sent to him, ~ and he to me.
~ Well, this is my house and he was sent to me! That is out of my control, fractious one, for you agreed to rent me your house when Mrs Lucas rented mine.
Well, I didn't agree that you could dig up all my marrows to make that ~ hideous marrow jam! ~ Well, I cannot see how that is relevant, dear.
Now, if you don't mind, I will close the door, because Guru is very sensitive to negative vibrations.
Peace and love! Ommmm ~ You have to breathe deeply and say "Om".
~ Say what? ~ Om.
I understand the ejaculation to be "Om".
Apparently it makes one feel light and vigorous.
Hm, it would be wonderful indeed if dear Elizabeth felt light.
Well, I think it sounds rather interesting.
None of us getting any younger, Lucia.
My dear, you haven't aged a day in the decade I've known you.
Well, that's very kind of you, but I have lines and a paunch, so there.
I'm considering asking Elizabeth if the Guru might take me on as a pupil.
My dear, I doubt very much she'd agree to that.
It's not up to her to agree or disagree, surely.
You're being naive, Georgie.
Elizabeth wishes to run the Guru as she wished to run me - as a novelty, a stunt.
If you go scurrying to her as the others have done, you'll be playing directly into her hands.
And what if yoga isn't a fad? What if it sticks? We'll be on the outside looking in.
Elizabeth's house will be teeming with visitors while we have none.
I'm sorry for providing you with such poor company.
Lucky for you, you have a new pet dog you seem so anxious to hide from me.
Yes, well that isn't mine, it's Foljambe's.
Now I've pricked my thumb, tiresome.
Oh, Georgino mio, un po di musica, si? We've been frightfully naughty, neglecting poor Mozart.
No, thank you, I'm feeling rather tired.
I think I shall go home and practice my breathing exercises.
Good night.
"Dear Elizabeth" Good evening.
Ah, good evening, my friend.
~ I'm Mr Pillson.
~ Yes, I know who you are.
You have a kind heart and a pure soul.
A pure, white soul.
I should very much like to speak to you about yoga, Guru.
I-I-I feel I feel like it might do me a lot of good.
Ah! You wish to have the body of a younger man? Yes, please.
I can help you, my friend.
But you must be strong.
The paths to enlightenment brings us many temptations.
Many temptations Well I-I-I live in Mallards Cottage, which is just across the road.
If you could see your way clear to MAPP: Guru? Guru dear? I hear voices.
Are you communing? The lady of the house wishes me to cook for her.
Do not worry, I will seek you out.
~ Good night, my friend.
~ Good night, Guru.
HE SNORES LIGHTLY BANGING DOWNSTAIRS BANGING AND CLATTERING WOMAN: Here, take this.
Not my bibelots If you move I shall fire! SCREAMING Oh, for goodness' sake, Georgie! ~ You scared the bally life out of us! ~ Hermione, Ursula, what? Hope you don't mind, bro, we arrived early.
~ Thought we'd have a midnight feast.
~ What's happened to your hair? HE SHRIEKS THEY LAUGH You, ah, said in your letter you were taking the train.
It was such a lovely day we decided to bicycle down instead for a lark.
We thought we might as well do it all in one go.
~ 120 miles if it's a yard.
~ Is it really? Then it was so late when we got here we thought we wouldn't disturb you, especially as the drawing-room window wasn't bolted.
Jolly plucky of you, Georgie, to come down and beard us.
Yes, well.
I-I was just playing along.
How are you getting on with Tiptree? He can be quite fierce but he loves his jam, don't you, Tipsiwipsy? Yes, we've become quite good friends, haven't we? DOG GROWLS THEY LAUGH Will your sisters be joining you for lunch today, sir? Oh, I'll say! Can't wait to meet all your new chums.
No, no, no, I've arranged for you to go and play golf.
Well, Foljambe won't want you cluttering up the place, ~ smoking and being sarcastic.
~ Makes no odds to me, sir.
Golly, what an iceberg.
Ah, now, speaking of ice-maidens where's your mistress? Has she got the house next door? If you're referring to Lucia then, yes, she has.
Hers is Mallards, mine's Mallard's Cottage.
~ Oh, how perfectly sickening.
~ Have you built a tunnel between them ~ where you can meet for midnight trysts? ~ Oh, Hermy, really He's not denying it! THEY LAUGH Lucia and I are very good friends and that's all there is to it.
If you must know we had something of a row last night.
~ BOTH: Ooohhh.
~ A lover's tiff.
I Hope it was about me and Ursy coming to stay, ~ we know she hates us.
~ Not at all.
In fact, I haven't quite got round to telling her you're here yet.
Why? Do we embarrass you? Lucia and I are new in Tilling and things are at a rather delicate stage.
I do you love you, my dears, but, well delicacy isn't quite your thing, is it? THEY LAUGH DOOR OPENS From Mrs Lucas, Miss.
Ha, finally - an invitation to an "intimate dinner".
Oh, how gracious of Her Majesty(!) And she'd be delighted if I brought the sacred Brahmin she's been hearing so much about - yes, I suppose she would! Any reply, Miss? She sends her apologies but she must regretfully decline.
She has a number of engagements all this week, and next.
Thank you, Grosvenor.
That That'll be all.
Oh, Diva, dear, I don't believe you've met my guru.
Oh, for pity's sake! A simple soul.
But quite highly-strung.
I just wondered if Guru and yourself would care to dine with us tomorrow evening at Starling? Algernon and I are keen to see a demonstration of his yoga.
Shall we say 7.
30? No-one would be more delighted than I should my guru consent to take you as a pupil.
But I can't tell what he will do.
As he said to me when he first arrived: "I cannot come unless I be sent.
" Well, let us hope that he be sent to Starling Cottage tomorrow evening at 7.
30.
Drive on, Gashley.
Yes, we'll see about that.
Guru? Guru, dear.
Guru? ~ Elizabeth.
~ Lulu.
Thank you.
The Major won't be long, he's just finishing his porridge.
Nobody in Tilling follows British summer time, it's quite tiresome.
Guru? Ah, now, let me guess, this must be Mapp.
I can tell by the teeth.
She's like a lioness who's lost a cub.
~ No, more like a hungry shark tracking a seal pup.
~ Oh, Let's see.
No, no, no, girls, don't! Gut them for me, would you, please, Mr Hopkins? There's just something I need to pick up first.
Morning! Have you lost something? Miss Mapp.
These are my sisters, Hermione and Ursula.
Oh! How-de-do? We've been hearing all about you and your mysterious guru.
Yes, Georgie's rather peeved you won't share him.
~ Could do with shedding a few pounds, couldn't you, Podge? ~ I, um He's such as gentle soul, you know, a Brahmin, of the very highest caste.
I don't suppose you've seen him, have you, Mr Pillson? Only I was just talking to Susan, now he seems to have ~ Slipped his chain? ~ .
.
levitated to another plane.
Oh, yes, these Brahmins are a dab hand at astral projection, you know.
Om! Ah, yes, he headed off towards your house, Miss.
No, dear, I've just come from there.
No, not the house were you're staying, Mrs Plaistow's house.
I mean your actual house.
Mallards.
He was chatting to Mrs Lucas.
In.
THEY INHALE Hold.
Exhale.
Ahhh.
Elizabeth, dear, look who I bumped into on the high street.
Poor thing was quite lost.
Grosvenor, fetch Miss Mapp a chair.
Oh, that's quite all right, I prefer to stand because I can't stay long.
Guru, dear, it is almost time for tiffin.
Oh, but you must have tiffin here.
We would not dream of imposing on you, I know how incredibly busy you are - with all these lovely parties I've been hearing so much about.
But I did invite you for supper tonight, dear.
Naughty of you not to have mentioned it to Guru.
But, see, beloved ladies, how pleasant we all are.
Huh? Take not too much thought when it is only white souls who are together.
Send out a message of love.
HE INHALES ~ Ommm! ~ Ommm! Ommm! ALL: Ommm! There! Shall we? We were making such lovely plans.
Guru's going to teach us all yoga classes.
Aren't you, Guru? I seem to feel the call.
~ Surely the Guides tell me that what you call classes, yes ~ Yes.
.
.
that is what I am sent to do.
I teach, you learn.
We all learn.
Guru, dear, what with all the stretching and the postures, I don't think we have the space Oh, we wouldn't dream of invading Wasters, Elizabeth.
I know how much work you've undertaken in the garden.
Fruit and vegetables were included in the lease, precious one, and now I think of it, ha! We will have lots of space.
My dear, you are far too unselfish.
It is simply trespassing on your good nature should you lodge AND board the Guru while he teaches us all yoga.
He should stay here! There's copious space on the lawn, and for meditation we have the giardino segreto, so quiet and spiritual, and not at all overlooked.
Perhaps, darling Lucia, it would be as well to ask my guru if he has anything to say on the subject.
England is still a free country, even if you happen to come from India.
Beloved ladies .
.
the Guides have spoken.
This is a beautiful place.
I must follow where I am led.
Well, that's settled, then.
I'll just send for his things.
What? Classes in yoga? And pranayama, which is breathing.
Five shillings a lesson.
Hoots awa', a crown to be taught how to breathe? Sure a babe newly plucked from his mammy can manage that for naught! Yes, but this is a special type of breathing, with postures and meditation.
I'm no' sure that's something we can be associated with, Evie dear.
Yoga is rooted in Hinduism, cannae be separated from it.
No, I may have to seek guidance from the Bishop.
Yes, but can't we just do the postures without the breathing? Elizabeth said it can make you strong and lean and ten years younger.
~ Ah, Good morning.
~ Morning, Grosvenor.
GURU: Inhale.
Exhale.
Triangle pose, three Konasana.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Tree pose.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Adho mukha svanasana, downward dog.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oh, yes, most invigorating.
Jolly good drill.
Gets the old claret flowing, what! THEY CHUCKLE I feel such a difference already.
Like I could never be hasty or worried ever again.
Yes, I went through all of that at my first lesson.
Didn't I, Guru? Will you tell Mrs Lucas all about levitation or will you wait till she's a little further on? Tell me, sir, where in Benares were you lodged? I was stationed there for a spot during the second innings.
Benares.
Benares.
A holy place.
Yes.
Which side of the river, east or west? There are no sides, only one whole.
Extraordinary.
There are wonderful vibrations today.
Can you feel them? I believe some word is on way from the Guides, a great message of light.
Please ~ Please.
~ Please.
~ Please.
Please.
Au reservoir.
It's the deceitfulness that I find so objectionable.
She practically kidnapped my poor guru outside of Twistevants, by all accounts, and frog-marched him up to Mallards.
Serves you out for pinching him from me in the first place.
She's interred the poor man in the spare room so that she alone can run him and be the High Priestess of all things mystic in Tilling.
As you yourself wanted to be.
Face it, Elizabeth, you just can't stand her winning.
Everyone knows you sent her picture back out of spite.
I did no such thing! You could tell she was a real artist as soon as you saw it and you were green with envy.
That sketch was almost like a photograph.
So sorry, Diva, dear.
How foolish of me.
I must have left my gloves.
Um, you go on.
Why would I want to go that way? Ah, Grosvenor, silly of me, so absent-minded, I've left my gloves in the garden room.
No need to bother Mrs Lucas.
She traced it.
What a cheat.
Found them, Miss? Um Yes, Grosvenor.
All done.
I'll see myself out, shall I? .
.
slashed him with my riding whip, right on the villain's nose.
Snatched up my rifle and fired point-blank at his heart.
BOOM! Beast rolled over.
~ Dead.
~ Hole in one, eh, Major? ~ Ha-ha, capital! Very droll.
~ Hermy, we need to get some more fags.
~ We smoked all of Georgie's last night.
~ Right-ho.
Well, thanks for the round, Major.
Total pleasure, sirs, total pleasure.
~ Shame we got caught up on that pesky 19th hole, what! ~ Indeed.
~ The KingGod bless him! ~ God bless the King.
Gentleman.
Au reservoir.
~ Do think he'll be all right? ~ Gupta! Hello, old bean.
What on Earth are you doing here? THEY LAUGH Georgie! You'll never guess! Guess what? The Guru, the Om, of high caste and extraordinary sanctity The Brahmin of Benares, the Great Teacher, who do you think he is? My dears, you needn't talk quite so loud, all Tilling will hear you.
~ Let them! ~ He's one of the cooks from the Calcutta Restaurant on Bedford Street.
You know, next to the Hindu Society.
Yes, we often lunch there.
Gupta makes the most delicious curries.
~ Especially when he's a little bit tipsy! ~ Mmm! ~ Ah, "Gupta"? ~ Yes, He is no more a Guru than Foljambe is! And to think of you and Lucia sitting at his feet, drinking in his wisdom! Ommm! I'm sorry, I don't believe you.
You must have the wrong person.
He's wanted by the police, don't you read the papers? Oh, of course they don't.
If it doesn't happen in Tilling ~ it doesn't exist.
~ He was fired for being drunk at work For the umpteenth time .
.
so he took off with the day's takings.
Ursy, shame there's no reward - we'd have been quids in.
Oh, boo! THEY LAUGH KNOCK ON DOOR Aaah, y-y-yes? It's Foljambe, sir.
I think you better come downstairs.
What's gone, Georgie? ~ My bibelots.
~ Your what? His bibelots.
All his precious items - a Louis XVI snuff-box, Bow China, the Faberge cigarette-case There, there, Foljambe, don't upset yourself.
They took £100 in banknotes and my Roman pearls.
My snuff box alone is worth more than that.
~ I'm going to call the police.
~ 'Let us not be too hasty, dear.
' I think we need to talk matters over with our guru first.
Yes, I I'll come over.
~ Anything Missing? ~ Well, I don't think so.
Ah! There was a deck of cards Oh, you took them upstairs, Miss, with your evening tray.
~ Well, in that case, all accounted for.
~ Oh, thank goodness! Have we been robbed, Miss? Robbed? We've been snubbed.
Heaps of stuff's gone from Mr Pillson's, and Lucia's lost QUIETLY: £100.
Yes, well, she would, wouldn't she? She probably left it lying around.
Are you sure they've been burgled? ~ GENTLE KNOCKING ~ Guru.
He isn't here.
Oh, dear, I Brandy? I didn't know that gurus drank.
Yes, about that KNOCK ON DOOR MAPP: May I just scriggle through, Grosvenor? I have a matter of the utmost urgency to discuss with Mrs Lucas.
~ But you can't ~ It's all right, Grosvenor.
Elizabeth, dear, what can I do for you? There are rumours flying around - servants' tittle-tattle, no doubt - ~ that both you and Mr Pillson were burgled in the night.
~ Burgled? Yes, and when I made a quick search of my own humble possessions, I was dismayed to find that I was missing five silver spoons, eight silver forks and my grandpapa's Georgian tankard.
I could have spared all but the last.
We were indeed violated last night.
I lost £100 and Georgie several items of sentimental value.
There's nothing sentimental about a Faberge cigarette case! I do hope our Guru is not disturbed.
He has often said to me that he cannot remain in a house ~ where wicked emotions are at play.
~ Well, I think ~ He's not a guru! ~ What?! ~ He's not a guru.
He's a chef from the Calcutta Restaurant in Bedford Street and he's wanted by the police.
For stealing.
And how, may I ask, did you come by this information? My sisters recognised him.
They've been staying with me for a few days.
I would have told you but I thought they might upset the balance.
They've certainly done that, all right.
~ And how did this ~ Gupta.
How did this Gupta end up in Tilling? Diva wrote a letter to some yoga centre in London.
He must have read it somehow.
~ The police will soon discover.
~ Ought we to telephone them? Well, yes, I'd consider it my duty.
I shall tell them that the Indian gentleman, who has for the past few days been living with Mrs Lucas, has stolen my spoons, my forks and my Queen Anne tankard.
I thought you said it was Georgian? I'm under a lot of stress! Elizabeth, dear, before you do anything at all, just listen to me for two minutes.
Consider this.
What sort of figure shall we all cut if we do put this matter into the hands of the police? It'll soon come out that we've been taking spiritual guidance from a curry-cook.
We've been made fools of.
But for my part I simply couldn't bear that everybody should know I've been made a fool of.
I suggest we let it be known that dear Elizabeth's guru has had to leave us quite suddenly ~ My guru?! ~ .
.
that his Guides have sent him elsewhere.
His work here is done, he has established our classes and set all our feet upon the Way.
I will say that I have found my money, ~ that Grosvenor had to move it for safe-keeping.
~ And my bibelots? A practical joke.
Your sisters hid them for safekeeping and now you have them back.
You'll have to explain it all to Foljambe.
And what about Hermy and Ursy? They're dying to tell everyone.
I'll have them here for lunch, and give them a bottle - two bottles - of champagne.
Not to make them drunk, you understand, but to make them kind.
Elizabeth? No, I'm sorry, I cannot cover up such criminal behaviour and lie to my friends and neighbours.
If there's one thing I'm known for in Tilling it is my readiness to speak to the truth, and painful though it might be on this occasion, I feel it is my civic responsibility to Ah Georgie, speak to your sisters and smooth things over with Foljambe.
Your bibelots can be replaced.
Your reputation is of a far greater value.
Excuse me.
Well? I feel sure that Mr and Mrs Wyse will fully understand why I felt the need to return your sketch.
It was, after all, a fraud.
~ A fraud, dear? ~ Traced from a photograph.
Strictly against Art Society rules.
I merely wished to spare you the embarrassment of exposure, ~ but since you give me no choice ~ I flatly deny the accusation.
Oh, do you?! Do you?! Well, how do you explain this?! Where is it? Where's my Tilling Views? Oh, Elizabeth, don't tell me that wretched guru made off with that as well? As your tenant I will naturally reimburse you.
You Shall we call it a score draw, dear? .
.
after all, his work here was done.
He had established our classes and set all of our feet upon the Way.
He always said something of the sort might happen.
But to pop off like that without saying goodbye What about our studies? Well, I, for one, should be very sorry to drop them and I'm sure you all feel the same.
Georgie looks ten years younger already.
As for Susan, I wish I could trip about as daintily as she does.
I propose that we continue our lessons.
And if Lucia would do us the honour of being our teacher Only if you share the burden, dear Elizabeth, I couldn't possibly manage it on my own.
Well, then, it is settled.
And thank you Lucia.
Bravo, ladies.
Now, then, if we would all like to find ourselves a space, perhaps ~ we could commence with the Flat Back Forward Bend.
~ Absolutely.
Shall we? What the deuce is going on, Pillson? One minute the claws are out the next they're gambolling about like a pair of spring lambs.
It's a truce, Major.
Entente cordiale.
Ah, Got you.
Armistice.
And will the peace hold? Oh, I very much hope not.
THEY LAUGH Take a few wide steps and inhaling and raising our arms to the sky, lean forward into a flat back forward bend, reaching for the floor, if possible touching the floor, and exhale It's like meeting all my favourite characters from a book.
~ Horrible to think of.
~ Not cross with poor Lucia.
~ We have to take the bree with the barm, as they say.
~ Quite.
I knew it.
I knew it.
SCREAMING LAUGHTER I shall see you at lunch! Hm!
And some of the Scotch shortbread I know you're so fond of, Padre.
Tuck in! Oh, Susan, dear! NOTE PERFECT, ACCOMPLISHED PIANO PLAYING Ah! Divine Mozartino.
It's been an age since I looked at that piece.
Yes, me too! I think we did rather well.
CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY Ace of spades.
And spades are trumps, are they? I can't remember.
My king attacks in vain, God bless him.
Your trick, Mrs Bartlett, well played.
Ha-ha, well, what a hash you made of that hand, Major! If you had picked out your cards at random, you couldn't have played any worse.
'Pologies, Miss Elizabeth.
I played like a baby.
Won't happen again.
Susan, Diva, have some more food.
There's heaps left and, well, it can't be saved.
We are replete, thank you, Elizabeth.
Irene? No, thanks, Mapp, not got much of an appetite.
What time is it? ALL: Ten to seven.
Oh, well, in that case, it's beddy-byes for me.
Oh, no, nonsense, dear, it's far too soon to leave off.
In fact, we were just about to start a new rubber, weren't we, Major? Er, 'pon my word, if it is close upon seven, then I, um One of the most charming evenings of bridge my wife and I have ever spent, Miss Mapp.
So many thanks.
But the caviar sandwiches Delicious.
Good night, dear.
Aye, we'll call it a nicht.
Au reservoir.
Diva your winnings! Only coppers.
Pick it up another time.
Good night! So many thanks.
Caviar sandwiches?! Lumpfish roe more like.
Wonderful to see you.
What shall I do with the food, miss? ~ Throw it.
~ All of it? Yes, Withers, are you deaf? All of it! Not the caviar, obviously.
I'll have that for lunch.
I think Tilling will be very good for our drawing, Georgie.
Mmm, we were doing nothing but trees and clouds in Riseholme and they needn't be straight.
~ Well, I've got the crooked chimney, the one beyond your house.
~ Oh, yes.
Yes, I think I'll straighten it.
Otherwise people might think I've drawn it crooked by accident.
~ Good morning! ~ Elizabeth.
Nice to see you up so early after your little entertainment last night.
I was completely worn out after my bridge party! May I peep? Ah, yes.
Ahhhhh! Ohh The crooked chimney.
Of course.
Charming.
CAR HORN BEEPS ~ We shall have to move.
~ Tiresome A thousand apologies! I had no idea who it was, and for what artistic purpose, occupying the roadway.
I would instantly have retreated and gone round the other way had I perceived in time.
You must send your sketches to be considered for the Summer Exhibition, Mrs Lucas.
Oh, I'm not sure the Royal Academy would consider that I No, no, the Tilling Exhibition.
Algernon and I are on the hanging committee, along with Miss Mapp.
I am sure we would look favourably upon your submissions.
Oh, we must redouble our efforts, Georgie.
I'm sure the standard in Tilling is exceedingly high.
Indeed it is, but we do welcome entries from all levels of ability.
Well, good luck, Lulu darling.
Submissions must be in by noon tomorrow.
Au reservoir! Au r-r-r-reservoir.
So sorry to have intruded.
So sorry, so sorry.
A summer exhibition! How exciting! I fear I must start over.
And there she was, in the middle of the road, sketching, if you please! Without any thought for passing traffic.
She practically begged me to accept her rubbishy little effort for the summer exhibition What are you doing, dear? Oh, toxins.
Got to flush out all the uric acid.
Read about it in the Woman's Welfare.
Eight glasses an hour.
Or is it eight a day? Well, it's the latest thing.
~ What happened to Christian Science? ~ I've gone off Christian Science.
I recited The True Statement of Being till I was blue in the face, but it didn't make a blind bit of difference.
The True Statement of Balderdash was a fitter name for such quackery.
~ What-ery? ~ Quackery.
Well, I've sent off for a new health plan as a matter of fact, but if you're going to be sniffy about it Darling Diva, let us not have cross words over your Is it too cruel to call them fads? We should be building bridges, not letting interlopers and Christian scientists come between us.
Come and dine with me tomorrow evening.
~ Can't.
~ Oh? ~ Lucia's having a cocktail party.
~ I see.
She's thanking everyone who helped her with the fete, and as you refused to Well, you shouldn't be so mean, Elizabeth.
I should be getting on with my jam-making anyway.
I can't let all your lovely garden produce go to waste, can I? That's all right, then.
Now if you'll excuse me Oh, I think the floodgates are about to open! ~ Good night, ma'am.
~ Mm, mm.
OWL HOOTS COCKEREL CROWS Good morning, ma'am.
Grosvenor, send this to the framer's immediately and ask them to forward it to Miss Mapp's house.
Foljambe will do the same with Mr Pillson's.
~ I think they will work well as a pair.
~ Very good, ma'am.
Hmm.
Very good, ma'am.
Mr Pillson! Mr Pillson! What is it, Foljambe? All this came for you, sir.
From your sisters.
BARKING Sh! Oh, dear Let's just keep this to ourselves for now, Foljambe.
We were deep in the jungle outside Jaipur.
I'd just sat down for a spot of tiffin when he was on me.
I slashed it, just like that, with my riding whip, right on the villain's nose.
I snatched up the rifle and fired it point-blank at the heart.
Boom! Beast rolled over.
Dead.
Goodness.
Morning, Pillson, old chap.
To what do I owe the, er? I'm terribly sorry to wake you, Major, ~ I shall come back when it's more convenient ~ Nonsense! Just lost track of time, that's all.
I was up late revising my Indian diaries Well, I just wanted to have a brief word with you, if you don't mind, about golf.
Golf? Yes, I believe there is a golf field quite close to Tilling.
We drove by it on the way in.
Play a little, do you? Not recently, though I used to play with my sisters.
~ Eh? ~ Golf, I mean.
I'd be very grateful if you could jot down the details for me.
Please.
Absolutely.
Fellows our age need to do a bit of exercise, else we start going to seed, know what I mean? ~ Yes ~ Take a seat.
~ Thank you.
~ Quai hai! These just came from the framer's, Miss.
From Mrs Lucas and Mr Pillson.
Good! If there's one thing I know that woman can't do, it's draw Should I throw the paper, Miss? No.
Call the delivery boy back and tell him I have another errand for him.
"Dear Mrs Lucas.
"Many thanks for your submission.
"Unfortunately, due to limited wall space, "it will not be possible on this occasion" Oh.
Georgie, have you received? ~ 'Yes, just now.
' ~ So have I.
So cruel of her.
It's barbaric.
Well, there are three people on the committee, Georgie.
~ 'It must have been a majority vote.
' ~ It's a declaration of war.
I feel like the 4th of August, 1914.
BARKING ~ 'What's that noise?' ~ Nothing, nothing.
'W-W-What will you do?' I shall take a season ticket for the exhibition Sorry, I can't quite hear you.
I shall take a season ticket for the exhibition and go there every day.
'It's the only way to take it.
They might not want our pictures' but we mustn't be small about it.
Dignity, Georgie, dignity.
Absolutely.
~ Hello.
~ How do you do? ~ Very many lovely submissions for us to choose from.
~ Oh, splendid.
I haven't looked through them all myself.
Padre, Mrs Padre, any news? Mr Pillson called on Major Flint this morning.
They were talking about golf.
The window was open, I couldn't help overhearing.
Well, well, Aunt Georgie's got a bit more sauce in him than I thought.
Here, I'm just about to submit this to the art show.
They're meeting now at Mapp's, I believe.
What do you think? It's called Female Wrestlers.
Aye'tis a bonny scene.
The one on the left is Lucy.
Uncanny.
The committee will hate it, of course, but I don't care.
This town could do with shaking up a bit.
~ Ach, well, a wee bit argle-bargle keeps the talk lang.
~ Absolutely.
DOG BARKING Isn't that Mr Pillson? I didn't know he kept a dog.
Who's walking who? Quai hai, Pillson! This way, Tiptree, this way.
Ohh! Tiptree! Tiptree, Tiptree, you naughty dog! I'm so terribly sorry.
Tipsie! Tipsie! ~ Woff! ~ Oh! ~ And off he goes.
Ahh, yes, there there.
Ah, Elizabeth, so glad you could make it at such short notice.
I can't imagine where your invitation could have got to.
Not to worry, darling Lulu, all's well that ends well.
Lovely cocktails by the way, have you been peeking at my recipe books again? Some punch, madam? ~ May as well drink poison.
Full of chromagens.
~ Oh, dear.
Stick to water, doing me the world of good.
Oh, excuse me I believe you challenged the Major to a round of golf, Mr Pillson? Yes, yes, perhaps once I have my sticks Clubs, Georgie, even I know that.
We'll see if the milliner can beat the military, eh what! Ha-ha! Very droll.
~ Susan, dear, so delighted you could make it.
~ Delighted to be here.
~ Algernon, what a joy.
~ Dear lady.
~ Now you must have some punch.
~ Oh, I think Grosvenor seems to have stepped out.
~ Allow me, dear lady.
~ Ah.
~ Thank you, Algernon.
How well I remember seeing you drawing that and how long I took to forgive myself for having disturbed you in my blundering car.
A perfect little masterpiece.
Mallards Cottage and the crooked chimney.
To the life.
Perfectly delightful.
The lights, the shadows What a touch! I think I'll just take a tour around the garden.
My roses will never forgive me How I wish I'd known you had finished it! I should have begged you to allow us to have it for our Art Exhibition.
It would have been the gem of it.
Cruel of you, Mrs Lucas.
But I sent it in to the hanging committee.
And Georgie sent his, too, of Mallards.
But they were sent back to us.
But impossible! I am on the committee myself and I hope you cannot think I should have been such an imbecile.
Susan, this gem, this little masterpiece never came before us.
Never! There has been some hanky-panky.
Algernon, please! That picture never came before the hanging committee.
I think what happened is that the framer misunderstood our servants' instructions and they returned the pictures to us before the committee had sat at all.
So you never saw them! ~ No.
~ But what must you have thought of us? That you did not conscientiously think much of our art.
I felt sure that my little picture had a hundred faults and feeblenesses.
How we congratulate ourselves that all is now clear.
What a stupid, stupid errand boy! Hm.
Algernon, our exhibition must secure Mrs Lucas's picture immediately, ~ and Mr Pillson's too.
~ Oh, yes.
~ Thank you.
Of course, of course, but how are we to find room? Everything is hung.
Oh, I'm sure the committee will think of something.
Such a bright idea of Mr Wyse's, putting both your piccies on easels.
Makes them quite the highlight of the exhibition.
And your pretty watercolour, Elizabeth, where's that? On the wall just behind yours, precious one.
People might just catch a glimpse of it if they stretch on their tippytoes.
Oh, yes, it's delightful.
Mr Wyse, I wish to purchase Miss Mapp's painting.
Aha! A sale! And I should like to purchase Mrs Lucas's.
Oh, thank you so much.
~ Sale! ~ I do hope you enjoy it.
Slight shame to split up the pair, though, don't you think? Mm, mm.
Mm.
Sale! Ohh! RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE Are ye going early, Mistress Mapp? CHAMPAGNE CORKS POP INDISTINCT CHATTER INDISTINCT CHATTER INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER SHE SIGHS ~ FLESH SIZZLES ~ Ahh! Blast! DOORBELL RINGS Withers! DOORBELL RINGS Withers! DOORBELL RINGS Yes? Hady ommm, hady ommm, hady ommm.
May I speak to the lady of the house? I am she.
Beloved lady, I am he you have been searching for.
I am your guru.
Peace be to this house.
Ommm! Do you want me to get rid of him, Miss? Not just yet, Withers.
He looks so peaceful and contented.
What does a Guru do, Miss? No idea.
But no-one else in Tilling has got one, that's for sure.
Mrs Wyse bought Mr Wyse's teacup and wallflower, Mr Wyse bought Mrs Wyse's King Of Italy as a present for his sister - she's married to an Italian count.
Kenneth bought my Autumn Mists and I bought his Saint George And The Dragon.
That was very decent of you and Mapp to pose for that one.
Don't fret, Evie dear, just my little joke.
What the? DOG BARKS Lucia! You'll never guess in a hundred years what I've just seen! Don't be tantalising, how can I possibly guess? ~ Diva with a pink elephant.
~ No ~ Mr Wyse wearing Susan's fur coat.
~ If you're not going to be serious Elizabeth with an Indian in an orange turban.
Yes! But how? You saw them, didn't you? Well, she did parade him rather ostentatiously, I could hardly fail to notice.
~ Any other news? ~ But who do you suppose he is? Evie thinks he looks like a maharajah.
~ Wouldn't that be thrilling? ~ For Major Flint, perhaps, who has some knowledge of the Indian subcontinent.
How is he, by the way? The pair of you seem very chummy all of a sudden.
Oh, Lucia, you're perfectly maddening! Aren't you in the slightest bit curious about Elizabeth's Indian? No such gentleman has been presented to me, Georgie, therefore I must remain officially ignorant of his existence.
I think you will agree that's the proper thing to do.
~ Diva not with you? ~ She isn't well.
~ Dr Dobbie thinks she's suffering from water retention.
~ Oh, dear.
Guru, dear, I would like to introduce you to a neighbour of mine.
My dearest friend, Evie Bartlett.
Oh, yes, beloved lady, I know her already.
For I can see into her clear, white soul.
I believe she is a lady of the most extraordinary sanctity.
Peace be unto you, my friend.
How do you do, Guru? I am always well because I follow the Way.
Which way? Yoga, gracious lady, yoga and meditation.
Let us meditate together, yes? Ommm! Ommm! He seems so very much How shall I put it? So very much sent to me.
I don't even know his name, and his religion forbids him to tell me it.
He is just my guru.
My guide.
He has the spare bedroom, where he "meditates" and does Prana and Pranayama, which is breathing.
You stop up one nostril, inhale through the other THEY INHALE .
.
hold and release.
THEY EXHALE Yes, most bracing.
'Yoga is a union of mind and body.
'It appeals to people, like myself, 'who are very spiritual' My Guru has no money at all, which is quite beautiful of him.
And he looked so pained and disappointed when I suggested that I might give him some.
Oh, and the way he has with food! Ah, Major.
I am rather hoping you might be able to dine with me tonight? Ah, apologies, Mrs Lucas.
Prior engagement.
~ Oh.
Another time perhaps.
~ Indeed.
Good morning.
MAPP: Major, come in.
What that man cannot do with some mutton, flour and coriander seed is nobody's business.
Ooh, top drawer, old chap.
One more cup of tea and then I must chase you away, for Guru has to commune with his Guides at least twice a day.
I seem to feel the call.
And if I may, Guru, what do your Guides tell you? They say, "Go where sent, "stay if needed.
" He sometimes leaves out little words because they don't really matter.
~ DOORBELL RINGS ~ Oh, more guests! Do excuse me.
CHANTING: Om-m-m-m! ~ Where is he? ~ Where's who? My Guru! ~ Your Guru, dear? ~ Yes.
I'm the one who sent away for him.
Oh, and there's me thinking he was a free-minded human being and not an item in the Eaton's Catalogue.
Don't be sarcastic, Elizabeth.
I wrote to the London Hindu Society weeks ago asking about an instructor in Yoga.
Well, I mean, I-I-I showed it to you in my magazine! Quite a coincidence, but my Guru said that I was sent to him, ~ and he to me.
~ Well, this is my house and he was sent to me! That is out of my control, fractious one, for you agreed to rent me your house when Mrs Lucas rented mine.
Well, I didn't agree that you could dig up all my marrows to make that ~ hideous marrow jam! ~ Well, I cannot see how that is relevant, dear.
Now, if you don't mind, I will close the door, because Guru is very sensitive to negative vibrations.
Peace and love! Ommmm ~ You have to breathe deeply and say "Om".
~ Say what? ~ Om.
I understand the ejaculation to be "Om".
Apparently it makes one feel light and vigorous.
Hm, it would be wonderful indeed if dear Elizabeth felt light.
Well, I think it sounds rather interesting.
None of us getting any younger, Lucia.
My dear, you haven't aged a day in the decade I've known you.
Well, that's very kind of you, but I have lines and a paunch, so there.
I'm considering asking Elizabeth if the Guru might take me on as a pupil.
My dear, I doubt very much she'd agree to that.
It's not up to her to agree or disagree, surely.
You're being naive, Georgie.
Elizabeth wishes to run the Guru as she wished to run me - as a novelty, a stunt.
If you go scurrying to her as the others have done, you'll be playing directly into her hands.
And what if yoga isn't a fad? What if it sticks? We'll be on the outside looking in.
Elizabeth's house will be teeming with visitors while we have none.
I'm sorry for providing you with such poor company.
Lucky for you, you have a new pet dog you seem so anxious to hide from me.
Yes, well that isn't mine, it's Foljambe's.
Now I've pricked my thumb, tiresome.
Oh, Georgino mio, un po di musica, si? We've been frightfully naughty, neglecting poor Mozart.
No, thank you, I'm feeling rather tired.
I think I shall go home and practice my breathing exercises.
Good night.
"Dear Elizabeth" Good evening.
Ah, good evening, my friend.
~ I'm Mr Pillson.
~ Yes, I know who you are.
You have a kind heart and a pure soul.
A pure, white soul.
I should very much like to speak to you about yoga, Guru.
I-I-I feel I feel like it might do me a lot of good.
Ah! You wish to have the body of a younger man? Yes, please.
I can help you, my friend.
But you must be strong.
The paths to enlightenment brings us many temptations.
Many temptations Well I-I-I live in Mallards Cottage, which is just across the road.
If you could see your way clear to MAPP: Guru? Guru dear? I hear voices.
Are you communing? The lady of the house wishes me to cook for her.
Do not worry, I will seek you out.
~ Good night, my friend.
~ Good night, Guru.
HE SNORES LIGHTLY BANGING DOWNSTAIRS BANGING AND CLATTERING WOMAN: Here, take this.
Not my bibelots If you move I shall fire! SCREAMING Oh, for goodness' sake, Georgie! ~ You scared the bally life out of us! ~ Hermione, Ursula, what? Hope you don't mind, bro, we arrived early.
~ Thought we'd have a midnight feast.
~ What's happened to your hair? HE SHRIEKS THEY LAUGH You, ah, said in your letter you were taking the train.
It was such a lovely day we decided to bicycle down instead for a lark.
We thought we might as well do it all in one go.
~ 120 miles if it's a yard.
~ Is it really? Then it was so late when we got here we thought we wouldn't disturb you, especially as the drawing-room window wasn't bolted.
Jolly plucky of you, Georgie, to come down and beard us.
Yes, well.
I-I was just playing along.
How are you getting on with Tiptree? He can be quite fierce but he loves his jam, don't you, Tipsiwipsy? Yes, we've become quite good friends, haven't we? DOG GROWLS THEY LAUGH Will your sisters be joining you for lunch today, sir? Oh, I'll say! Can't wait to meet all your new chums.
No, no, no, I've arranged for you to go and play golf.
Well, Foljambe won't want you cluttering up the place, ~ smoking and being sarcastic.
~ Makes no odds to me, sir.
Golly, what an iceberg.
Ah, now, speaking of ice-maidens where's your mistress? Has she got the house next door? If you're referring to Lucia then, yes, she has.
Hers is Mallards, mine's Mallard's Cottage.
~ Oh, how perfectly sickening.
~ Have you built a tunnel between them ~ where you can meet for midnight trysts? ~ Oh, Hermy, really He's not denying it! THEY LAUGH Lucia and I are very good friends and that's all there is to it.
If you must know we had something of a row last night.
~ BOTH: Ooohhh.
~ A lover's tiff.
I Hope it was about me and Ursy coming to stay, ~ we know she hates us.
~ Not at all.
In fact, I haven't quite got round to telling her you're here yet.
Why? Do we embarrass you? Lucia and I are new in Tilling and things are at a rather delicate stage.
I do you love you, my dears, but, well delicacy isn't quite your thing, is it? THEY LAUGH DOOR OPENS From Mrs Lucas, Miss.
Ha, finally - an invitation to an "intimate dinner".
Oh, how gracious of Her Majesty(!) And she'd be delighted if I brought the sacred Brahmin she's been hearing so much about - yes, I suppose she would! Any reply, Miss? She sends her apologies but she must regretfully decline.
She has a number of engagements all this week, and next.
Thank you, Grosvenor.
That That'll be all.
Oh, Diva, dear, I don't believe you've met my guru.
Oh, for pity's sake! A simple soul.
But quite highly-strung.
I just wondered if Guru and yourself would care to dine with us tomorrow evening at Starling? Algernon and I are keen to see a demonstration of his yoga.
Shall we say 7.
30? No-one would be more delighted than I should my guru consent to take you as a pupil.
But I can't tell what he will do.
As he said to me when he first arrived: "I cannot come unless I be sent.
" Well, let us hope that he be sent to Starling Cottage tomorrow evening at 7.
30.
Drive on, Gashley.
Yes, we'll see about that.
Guru? Guru, dear.
Guru? ~ Elizabeth.
~ Lulu.
Thank you.
The Major won't be long, he's just finishing his porridge.
Nobody in Tilling follows British summer time, it's quite tiresome.
Guru? Ah, now, let me guess, this must be Mapp.
I can tell by the teeth.
She's like a lioness who's lost a cub.
~ No, more like a hungry shark tracking a seal pup.
~ Oh, Let's see.
No, no, no, girls, don't! Gut them for me, would you, please, Mr Hopkins? There's just something I need to pick up first.
Morning! Have you lost something? Miss Mapp.
These are my sisters, Hermione and Ursula.
Oh! How-de-do? We've been hearing all about you and your mysterious guru.
Yes, Georgie's rather peeved you won't share him.
~ Could do with shedding a few pounds, couldn't you, Podge? ~ I, um He's such as gentle soul, you know, a Brahmin, of the very highest caste.
I don't suppose you've seen him, have you, Mr Pillson? Only I was just talking to Susan, now he seems to have ~ Slipped his chain? ~ .
.
levitated to another plane.
Oh, yes, these Brahmins are a dab hand at astral projection, you know.
Om! Ah, yes, he headed off towards your house, Miss.
No, dear, I've just come from there.
No, not the house were you're staying, Mrs Plaistow's house.
I mean your actual house.
Mallards.
He was chatting to Mrs Lucas.
In.
THEY INHALE Hold.
Exhale.
Ahhh.
Elizabeth, dear, look who I bumped into on the high street.
Poor thing was quite lost.
Grosvenor, fetch Miss Mapp a chair.
Oh, that's quite all right, I prefer to stand because I can't stay long.
Guru, dear, it is almost time for tiffin.
Oh, but you must have tiffin here.
We would not dream of imposing on you, I know how incredibly busy you are - with all these lovely parties I've been hearing so much about.
But I did invite you for supper tonight, dear.
Naughty of you not to have mentioned it to Guru.
But, see, beloved ladies, how pleasant we all are.
Huh? Take not too much thought when it is only white souls who are together.
Send out a message of love.
HE INHALES ~ Ommm! ~ Ommm! Ommm! ALL: Ommm! There! Shall we? We were making such lovely plans.
Guru's going to teach us all yoga classes.
Aren't you, Guru? I seem to feel the call.
~ Surely the Guides tell me that what you call classes, yes ~ Yes.
.
.
that is what I am sent to do.
I teach, you learn.
We all learn.
Guru, dear, what with all the stretching and the postures, I don't think we have the space Oh, we wouldn't dream of invading Wasters, Elizabeth.
I know how much work you've undertaken in the garden.
Fruit and vegetables were included in the lease, precious one, and now I think of it, ha! We will have lots of space.
My dear, you are far too unselfish.
It is simply trespassing on your good nature should you lodge AND board the Guru while he teaches us all yoga.
He should stay here! There's copious space on the lawn, and for meditation we have the giardino segreto, so quiet and spiritual, and not at all overlooked.
Perhaps, darling Lucia, it would be as well to ask my guru if he has anything to say on the subject.
England is still a free country, even if you happen to come from India.
Beloved ladies .
.
the Guides have spoken.
This is a beautiful place.
I must follow where I am led.
Well, that's settled, then.
I'll just send for his things.
What? Classes in yoga? And pranayama, which is breathing.
Five shillings a lesson.
Hoots awa', a crown to be taught how to breathe? Sure a babe newly plucked from his mammy can manage that for naught! Yes, but this is a special type of breathing, with postures and meditation.
I'm no' sure that's something we can be associated with, Evie dear.
Yoga is rooted in Hinduism, cannae be separated from it.
No, I may have to seek guidance from the Bishop.
Yes, but can't we just do the postures without the breathing? Elizabeth said it can make you strong and lean and ten years younger.
~ Ah, Good morning.
~ Morning, Grosvenor.
GURU: Inhale.
Exhale.
Triangle pose, three Konasana.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Tree pose.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Adho mukha svanasana, downward dog.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oh, yes, most invigorating.
Jolly good drill.
Gets the old claret flowing, what! THEY CHUCKLE I feel such a difference already.
Like I could never be hasty or worried ever again.
Yes, I went through all of that at my first lesson.
Didn't I, Guru? Will you tell Mrs Lucas all about levitation or will you wait till she's a little further on? Tell me, sir, where in Benares were you lodged? I was stationed there for a spot during the second innings.
Benares.
Benares.
A holy place.
Yes.
Which side of the river, east or west? There are no sides, only one whole.
Extraordinary.
There are wonderful vibrations today.
Can you feel them? I believe some word is on way from the Guides, a great message of light.
Please ~ Please.
~ Please.
~ Please.
Please.
Au reservoir.
It's the deceitfulness that I find so objectionable.
She practically kidnapped my poor guru outside of Twistevants, by all accounts, and frog-marched him up to Mallards.
Serves you out for pinching him from me in the first place.
She's interred the poor man in the spare room so that she alone can run him and be the High Priestess of all things mystic in Tilling.
As you yourself wanted to be.
Face it, Elizabeth, you just can't stand her winning.
Everyone knows you sent her picture back out of spite.
I did no such thing! You could tell she was a real artist as soon as you saw it and you were green with envy.
That sketch was almost like a photograph.
So sorry, Diva, dear.
How foolish of me.
I must have left my gloves.
Um, you go on.
Why would I want to go that way? Ah, Grosvenor, silly of me, so absent-minded, I've left my gloves in the garden room.
No need to bother Mrs Lucas.
She traced it.
What a cheat.
Found them, Miss? Um Yes, Grosvenor.
All done.
I'll see myself out, shall I? .
.
slashed him with my riding whip, right on the villain's nose.
Snatched up my rifle and fired point-blank at his heart.
BOOM! Beast rolled over.
~ Dead.
~ Hole in one, eh, Major? ~ Ha-ha, capital! Very droll.
~ Hermy, we need to get some more fags.
~ We smoked all of Georgie's last night.
~ Right-ho.
Well, thanks for the round, Major.
Total pleasure, sirs, total pleasure.
~ Shame we got caught up on that pesky 19th hole, what! ~ Indeed.
~ The KingGod bless him! ~ God bless the King.
Gentleman.
Au reservoir.
~ Do think he'll be all right? ~ Gupta! Hello, old bean.
What on Earth are you doing here? THEY LAUGH Georgie! You'll never guess! Guess what? The Guru, the Om, of high caste and extraordinary sanctity The Brahmin of Benares, the Great Teacher, who do you think he is? My dears, you needn't talk quite so loud, all Tilling will hear you.
~ Let them! ~ He's one of the cooks from the Calcutta Restaurant on Bedford Street.
You know, next to the Hindu Society.
Yes, we often lunch there.
Gupta makes the most delicious curries.
~ Especially when he's a little bit tipsy! ~ Mmm! ~ Ah, "Gupta"? ~ Yes, He is no more a Guru than Foljambe is! And to think of you and Lucia sitting at his feet, drinking in his wisdom! Ommm! I'm sorry, I don't believe you.
You must have the wrong person.
He's wanted by the police, don't you read the papers? Oh, of course they don't.
If it doesn't happen in Tilling ~ it doesn't exist.
~ He was fired for being drunk at work For the umpteenth time .
.
so he took off with the day's takings.
Ursy, shame there's no reward - we'd have been quids in.
Oh, boo! THEY LAUGH KNOCK ON DOOR Aaah, y-y-yes? It's Foljambe, sir.
I think you better come downstairs.
What's gone, Georgie? ~ My bibelots.
~ Your what? His bibelots.
All his precious items - a Louis XVI snuff-box, Bow China, the Faberge cigarette-case There, there, Foljambe, don't upset yourself.
They took £100 in banknotes and my Roman pearls.
My snuff box alone is worth more than that.
~ I'm going to call the police.
~ 'Let us not be too hasty, dear.
' I think we need to talk matters over with our guru first.
Yes, I I'll come over.
~ Anything Missing? ~ Well, I don't think so.
Ah! There was a deck of cards Oh, you took them upstairs, Miss, with your evening tray.
~ Well, in that case, all accounted for.
~ Oh, thank goodness! Have we been robbed, Miss? Robbed? We've been snubbed.
Heaps of stuff's gone from Mr Pillson's, and Lucia's lost QUIETLY: £100.
Yes, well, she would, wouldn't she? She probably left it lying around.
Are you sure they've been burgled? ~ GENTLE KNOCKING ~ Guru.
He isn't here.
Oh, dear, I Brandy? I didn't know that gurus drank.
Yes, about that KNOCK ON DOOR MAPP: May I just scriggle through, Grosvenor? I have a matter of the utmost urgency to discuss with Mrs Lucas.
~ But you can't ~ It's all right, Grosvenor.
Elizabeth, dear, what can I do for you? There are rumours flying around - servants' tittle-tattle, no doubt - ~ that both you and Mr Pillson were burgled in the night.
~ Burgled? Yes, and when I made a quick search of my own humble possessions, I was dismayed to find that I was missing five silver spoons, eight silver forks and my grandpapa's Georgian tankard.
I could have spared all but the last.
We were indeed violated last night.
I lost £100 and Georgie several items of sentimental value.
There's nothing sentimental about a Faberge cigarette case! I do hope our Guru is not disturbed.
He has often said to me that he cannot remain in a house ~ where wicked emotions are at play.
~ Well, I think ~ He's not a guru! ~ What?! ~ He's not a guru.
He's a chef from the Calcutta Restaurant in Bedford Street and he's wanted by the police.
For stealing.
And how, may I ask, did you come by this information? My sisters recognised him.
They've been staying with me for a few days.
I would have told you but I thought they might upset the balance.
They've certainly done that, all right.
~ And how did this ~ Gupta.
How did this Gupta end up in Tilling? Diva wrote a letter to some yoga centre in London.
He must have read it somehow.
~ The police will soon discover.
~ Ought we to telephone them? Well, yes, I'd consider it my duty.
I shall tell them that the Indian gentleman, who has for the past few days been living with Mrs Lucas, has stolen my spoons, my forks and my Queen Anne tankard.
I thought you said it was Georgian? I'm under a lot of stress! Elizabeth, dear, before you do anything at all, just listen to me for two minutes.
Consider this.
What sort of figure shall we all cut if we do put this matter into the hands of the police? It'll soon come out that we've been taking spiritual guidance from a curry-cook.
We've been made fools of.
But for my part I simply couldn't bear that everybody should know I've been made a fool of.
I suggest we let it be known that dear Elizabeth's guru has had to leave us quite suddenly ~ My guru?! ~ .
.
that his Guides have sent him elsewhere.
His work here is done, he has established our classes and set all our feet upon the Way.
I will say that I have found my money, ~ that Grosvenor had to move it for safe-keeping.
~ And my bibelots? A practical joke.
Your sisters hid them for safekeeping and now you have them back.
You'll have to explain it all to Foljambe.
And what about Hermy and Ursy? They're dying to tell everyone.
I'll have them here for lunch, and give them a bottle - two bottles - of champagne.
Not to make them drunk, you understand, but to make them kind.
Elizabeth? No, I'm sorry, I cannot cover up such criminal behaviour and lie to my friends and neighbours.
If there's one thing I'm known for in Tilling it is my readiness to speak to the truth, and painful though it might be on this occasion, I feel it is my civic responsibility to Ah Georgie, speak to your sisters and smooth things over with Foljambe.
Your bibelots can be replaced.
Your reputation is of a far greater value.
Excuse me.
Well? I feel sure that Mr and Mrs Wyse will fully understand why I felt the need to return your sketch.
It was, after all, a fraud.
~ A fraud, dear? ~ Traced from a photograph.
Strictly against Art Society rules.
I merely wished to spare you the embarrassment of exposure, ~ but since you give me no choice ~ I flatly deny the accusation.
Oh, do you?! Do you?! Well, how do you explain this?! Where is it? Where's my Tilling Views? Oh, Elizabeth, don't tell me that wretched guru made off with that as well? As your tenant I will naturally reimburse you.
You Shall we call it a score draw, dear? .
.
after all, his work here was done.
He had established our classes and set all of our feet upon the Way.
He always said something of the sort might happen.
But to pop off like that without saying goodbye What about our studies? Well, I, for one, should be very sorry to drop them and I'm sure you all feel the same.
Georgie looks ten years younger already.
As for Susan, I wish I could trip about as daintily as she does.
I propose that we continue our lessons.
And if Lucia would do us the honour of being our teacher Only if you share the burden, dear Elizabeth, I couldn't possibly manage it on my own.
Well, then, it is settled.
And thank you Lucia.
Bravo, ladies.
Now, then, if we would all like to find ourselves a space, perhaps ~ we could commence with the Flat Back Forward Bend.
~ Absolutely.
Shall we? What the deuce is going on, Pillson? One minute the claws are out the next they're gambolling about like a pair of spring lambs.
It's a truce, Major.
Entente cordiale.
Ah, Got you.
Armistice.
And will the peace hold? Oh, I very much hope not.
THEY LAUGH Take a few wide steps and inhaling and raising our arms to the sky, lean forward into a flat back forward bend, reaching for the floor, if possible touching the floor, and exhale It's like meeting all my favourite characters from a book.
~ Horrible to think of.
~ Not cross with poor Lucia.
~ We have to take the bree with the barm, as they say.
~ Quite.
I knew it.
I knew it.
SCREAMING LAUGHTER I shall see you at lunch! Hm!