Marlon (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

Man Code

1 What's up, people? You know there's unspoken codes out there, right? For example, when somebody shows you their ugly baby, you can't be like, "Damn, that's an ugly ass baby! "It look like a FaceTime with a bad Wi-Fi connection.
Look, look at the baby's face, it's still buffering.
" [laughs] No, you gotta say, "Oh, look at the little baby.
Oh, it's a baby.
" My point is, without these codes society would plunge into chaos.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with a young lady and after I mm-hmm, I'm gonna tell her I had a wonderful time and I'm gonna call her tomorrow.
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [laughs] Girl, this spa day is long overdue.
I'm so sorry I've been spending so much time with Demetrius lately.
- Yvette - Hmm? Do not apologize for being in love.
I'm just glad that you're so happy.
And I've been keeping busy with my Groupon classes.
Ashley, I know Demetrius and I have been on and off again for a while but this time, it's on for good.
I mean, Demetrius got me feeling like a brand-new me.
Nothing can kill this vibe.
- You know? - Yeah.
- Hey, Ash.
- Hey.
Oh, hey, Yvette.
Girl, I ain't seen you all month.
Well, here's a montage of greetings you missed.
Hey, Grover.
When did you get back from Sesame Street? Hola, Chupacabra.
Hakuna Matata, Rafiki.
Hey, Ren, where's Stimpy? Hi, sidepiece of Chucky.
[laughs] Oh, man, I missed us.
You know, I know what this is.
You just can't stand to see me happy.
Girl, I can't stand to see you, period.
- That's mean.
- All right, knock it off.
Yvette's in love and we should all be excited for her.
- Pfft.
- Thank you.
Well, love is actually a manufactured emotion.
An evolutionary fail-safe designed to trick our species into procreating.
It's an illusion.
[chuckles] Damn it, Stevie, you're such a liar.
Okay, Yvette, hand me my purse.
We got about 90 minutes to get to the bottom of that bottomless brunch.
- Ah! - Hey, hey, Ash.
You gotta wrap your day of beauty up at 5:00 'cause remember, I got Laker tickets and me and Stevie are going to the game and if you know me, you know I am a together: Laker hater.
Oh, yes, and they are playing the Golden State Warriors which means they are bound to lose.
Ah I don't like none of them.
I don't like Kobe.
I don't like the coin stuck in his throat.
I don't like Shaq and his loose eye and, you know, I can't understand a word he's saying.
I can't understand anything that he's saying.
And if Lonzo Ball is playing Steph Curry, it's gonna be light on light crime.
All right, so, be back by 5:00.
[phone rings] Demetrius.
[squeals] Hey, baby.
Lunch? Actually, Ashley and I were I'd love to.
What time do you want to pick me up? [knocks at door] Oh my God.
[chuckles] When he misses me, he tracks my phone.
Oh, sure, when he does it, it's cute.
[scoffs] - Hi.
- Mm, there's my boo.
Both: Mm.
Somebody needs to tell Demetrius he can't turn that frog into a princess.
Marlon, my man.
Hey, what's going on, jail buff? [laughs] Whose manhood you took this week? [laughs] I like the shirt.
Look like you was employee of the month at Best Buy.
[laughs] Like the forklift broke and you started lifting all the packages yourself.
[mimicking mechanical noises] [laughs] Oh, man, you know, for a brother with a bunch of five star restaurants, you sure got fast food tastes.
Hey, now, look, don't be jealous, Marlon.
All right? My baby's smart, confident, funny, and not to mention she's damn! Mm, mm, mm.
[laughs] You got you a nappy meal.
[laughs] Don't make me hurt you, Marlon.
All right, I'm sorry.
I know them steroids make you crazy.
All right.
Ash, you're okay with me changing our plans? Yes, go.
Of course.
Okay, I'll call you later.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Mm-kay.
- Bye.
Come on, baby.
All right, Demetrius.
Make sure you have her back by midnight.
There ain't no telling what she's gonna turn into.
[laughs] That's a Gremlin joke.
She looks like Stripe.
[laughs] I don't get it.
What's that guy got that I don't? A job.
- A house.
- A car.
Savings account.
It was a rhetorical question.
[hip-hop music] - Marlon.
- Yeah? Can I get nachos? Negro, I ain't your daddy.
Look, I already got you tickets and I bought you that stupid foam finger that you just had to have.
And I already said thank you.
[laughs] Oh, look, there's Demetrius.
Maybe he'll buy me nachos.
He owes me, as he's currently copulating with my future boo thang.
Uh, brother, I think Demetrius is a little too busy to buy you nachos.
Maybe she's his cousin.
Uh that's not how you kiss your cousin.
It's not? Of course it's not.
Damn, he is tasting some her.
Either that, or feeding her like a baby bird.
That is shameful behavior.
I should go over there and give him a piece of my Big D! Double D.
Supporting his Lakers.
- Having fun? - Mm.
We're having fun.
- Charmaine, this is Marlon.
- Hey.
- And Stevie.
- Hey.
I didn't know you guys were Lakers fans.
Oh, yeah.
Big fans.
Loyal fans.
Faithful fans.
Committed fans.
[chuckles] I'm a Laker hater.
Well, hey, look, enjoy the game, guys.
All right.
- Hey.
- Huh? We cool, right? - Oh, oh, yeah.
- You betcha.
- Come on, yeah, we good.
- Definitely.
I ain't seen nothing.
How brazen.
Right in front of us like we're not gonna tell Yvette.
That's because we're not gonna tell Yvette.
Right, we should tell her anonymously, that way she won't hold it against us later when we try to make love to her.
Listen, bro, I feel for anybody getting played but we gotta uphold the man code.
What does this have to do with not looking at penises at urinals? I wasn't talking about that man code.
I'm talking about the man code that says that when you see another man doing dirt, you should shut up and mind your business.
Oh, I've never heard of this code.
I was raised by women.
Nana always said, "If you see something, say something.
And always wipe from front to back.
" Well, actual men have a code and we must uphold it.
Okay, what if Marley was married? And we saw her husband making out with some woman at the concession stand.
No, no, see, that's when I black out and wake up with a dead body in my trunk.
I'm wearing space pampers, I'm driving down the I-5 doing 55 so the cops don't pull me over and ask me, "Hey, what you doing with that shovel in the front seat?" See, that's different.
Marley's my daughter.
See, that's my family.
Yvette is Ashley's friend, okay? So, this is between her and Demetrius.
Well, it defies all logic and for the record, I am diametrically opposed to this "code.
" Now I know why Nana never bothered with men and spent her whole life with her best friend Aunt Ruthie.
[hip-hop music] Why you walking like a "Walking Dead" zombie? [growls] I just want to hit you in the head and go, "Run, Carl!" Bop! I had a Groupon for half off at the batting cages.
I took a stray pitch to the hip.
Ashley, it's very clear what you're doing with these Groupons.
You're just filling the time because Yvette is back with that burly ne'er-do-well.
That's not true.
I just have a lot of extra time on my hands so I'm dedicating it to myself.
I'm very happy for Yvette.
You have to come clean to her.
She's ruining your life.
Tell her, it's either me or him.
I mean, you or him.
We know it's not me.
[laughs] But it could be.
[sighs] Stevie.
We have to stay out of this.
You heartless bastard.
If you wanna ignore my feelings, fine, but what about Ashley's? The poor girl's in denial over Yvette's relationship.
Come on, Ashley's gonna be fine.
So, will the instructors provide the falcons or do I need to bring my own? Her mamma's half white.
They into crazy stuff like that.
Demetrius and Yvette, they're not gonna last.
Trust me, I give it a week.
He liked it, so he put a ring on it.
[both scream] Okay, so maybe two weeks.
And he's opening up a restaurant in New York.
We're moving next Friday! Ah! Three weeks, tops.
If she's pregnant, four weeks.
Both: Oh! Oh my gosh, this is amazing.
Let me see this ring.
Oh, girl, I didn't get a ring.
I got a rock.
- Bam! - Both: Ah! Okay, so Fraggle got a rock.
Okay, has this gone far enough for you, sir? We have to do something.
Okay, I listen.
I'm gonna handle this, okay? Relax.
We haven't set a date but we're thinking about a spring wedding.
- Aw.
- Yeah, but you know, girl, do you really want to give up the single life? Girl, you've been dating so many dudes that you was like one dude away from having your name in a rap lyric.
Hittin' Yvette in the 'vette Hittin' Yvette in the 'vette Brrrat! Well, I'm giving up everythang for that wedding rang.
[both laugh] Yeah, and that's cute and all, but, you know, think about it.
New York, summer, it's all hot and humid.
You know, they wreak havoc on your hair.
You know, it makes it all frizzy and poofy.
And then in the winter, it'll make it all dry and brittle.
You're gonna have to invest in an all-weather weave.
Well, my husband will take care of all of my needs.
Yeah, but you know, marriage you know think about it, do you really wanna get married? You know, marriage is tough.
You gotta wake up to the same face day after day after day and let's be real, you know, that face ain't gonna age well.
Damn it, Marlon.
I know we got at it all the time, but today? On the best day of my life? Marlon! Excuse us.
Come on, Ash.
Why are you being so mean? I wasn't being mean.
I was gonna say she looked like Kermit when he sips the tea, but I didn't wanna [muttering] - Yvette.
- Hmm? Marlon and I have decided to give you a going away engagement party this Saturday night and Marlon wants to spare no expense.
Oh, she lying Oof! Thanks, Ash.
[hip-hop music] Marlon, we have to do something.
The man code requires us to do nothing, say nothing, okay? Look, it's just like the dress code, right? Look If you want to dress like the president of a historically black university, hey, man, go for it.
Who am I to tell you, you got Jehovah Witness pants on? Excuse me, everybody.
Thank you, guys, for coming.
Um, I'm moving to New York with my love but I'm leaving a big piece of my heart here.
And I want to thank God and all the little people that, you know, supported me through the years.
Oh my God, girl, are you moving or winning an NAACP award? Ashley, you're my sister.
Your babies are my little angels.
And Stevie you will forever be like a brother to me.
Damn, you all right.
It's all right.
And, I can't even believe I'm saying this, but um I'm even gonna miss that big-headed Marlon.
[laughs] Y'all are my family.
You hear that, Marlon? She thinks we're family.
How ridiculous is that? Hey, D.
- Congratulations, bro.
- Ah, hey, hey, thank you.
- Looking sharp.
- Thank you, thank you.
Look at you, taking people off the market and whatnot.
Yeah, well, Yvette is well worth it.
Yeah, man, yeah, yeah You know, things change once you get a ring on it.
You know what I mean? Trust me, I know.
It means no more little Laker games with little your friend, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no more Lakers games, but I got some friends who like the Knicks if you know what I mean.
There ain't nobody that like no damn Knicks.
What you talking about? - Guess what.
- What? I'm learning to play "Ribbon in the Sky" on the harp for your wedding day.
[laughs] - Groupon! - [chuckles] Ashley, I know what you're doing.
What? I'm just Excited for my girl.
I saw you do this after you divorced Marlon.
You took an improv class, then puppet making, and then you even had my ass up in a hot air balloon.
Talking about, "We land where we land.
" You're distracting yourself from feeling something.
Come on.
What do you think I'm feeling? I'm gonna miss you too.
- I love you.
- Aw.
That girl's turning her whole life upside down for you and you just playing her like that? And that involves you, how? I'm just saying, that's Ashley's girl, that's how it involves me.
Well, how about I just bust your ass for being up in my business? You gonna you gonna Oh Oh That's what I wanted you to say.
[grunts] You gonna flare your nostrils at me? You gonna give me dragon nose? I breathe you in, boy.
I breathe you in, boy.
Oh, you think you tough because you got some tattoos on your body? Your tattoos say, "Smile," "Peace," and "Blessings.
" "Have a nice day.
" How you gonna have tattoos when you all dark-skinned? You gotta read your tattoos like brail.
What they say? Oh, I'm sorry about your grandma, may she rest in peace.
I know you got I know you got pit bull ears but I ain't scared of you, dog.
I'm a Doberman Pinscher.
I'm a Great Dane.
I'm a Rhodesian Ridgeback.
And you don't want none of this.
You don't want I smell Oh.
I smell the fear.
I smell the fear in you.
That's right, 'cause I'm an animal.
I smell the fear.
Huh? You don't want none of this reach.
Boy, look at that reach.
Look at the reach.
I connect right there.
Bow! You out already, dog.
You think you You're gonna clinch your jaw at me? I'll clinch mine too.
Huh, you think you so tough? Oh, you think you tough 'cause you've probably been to jail.
I've been to jail too.
36 hours for parking tickets, boy.
You don't know about that.
You don't know about the hard time.
You don't know about the hard time.
Let me call my boys real fast for you.
Alert! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! The whole gang heard it.
Give me four minutes, they gonna be right outside.
Clapping on you, boy.
Oh, 'cause you got a little shoulders on you.
'Cause your shoulders got shoulders and your triceps is like, all triceptical and stuff.
You wanna get buff? I'll get buff with you.
You think and I'll get buff quick.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Think you all tough, looking like a female body builder.
[grunting] All right.
All right, you got a little more weight than me.
Let me get my weight up.
Let me get a little sammich.
Get a little protein.
Get some protein in me.
Mmm, boy.
Now what? I got nutrients.
I go for days.
I got nutrients in me, boy.
Let me get a drink real fast, wash this down.
Hold on one second.
Oh, then when I get the drink in me, if it's dark liquor Oh, don't let me get the dark liquor Da-da-la, da-da-la, da-da-la, da-da-la.
Boy! I grab you by your thick neck and toss you right through that damn buffet table.
Say I won't.
Promise me you'll call me every day.
Of course, girl.
Now, let's just enjoy this party and no more drama.
- Okay.
- Ah! [Marlon groaning] I should have never told that boy my game plan.
Demetrius, what did he say to you? 'Cause I know he be saying stuff.
- Marlon! - What? Are you okay? What is going on? I'm good.
Me and Demetrius was just having a little heated conversation about, uh, fantasy basketball.
Yeah, yeah, that's what it was.
Yeah, see, I was telling D that I don't like the way he manages his team.
He has this star player and he won't bench the rest of his scrubs.
But what Marlon doesn't understand is they're my scrubs and I put them in whatever position I want.
And that's exactly what he was saying before he playfully tossed me over the buffet table.
[laughs] You stupid for that one, boy.
But seriously you should be willing to give up your entire team for the franchise player like the one you got.
Man, they both wrong.
All you need is a good ball handler who can penetrate up the middle.
[hip-hop music] Aw, come on, Ash.
It's not like I get thrown through a buffet table every day.
But three times since I've known you is a lot.
Yvette? Sweetie, you okay? I need to talk to Marlon alone.
Okay, I'll let you two talk.
So What happened to your ring? Girl, did you pawn it already? I threw it out the car window.
I knew something was up when we left.
So, I pushed him and he told me he was cheating on me.
[sighs] But you knew that, didn't you? Nah.
If Demetrius was double dipping, this is the first time I'm hearing about it.
You were just fighting over fantasy basketball because you didn't like the way he was treating his franchise player.
She's the best player he'll ever have.
She? Oh, it was, um, WNBA fantasy league.
[chuckles] Thanks, Marlon.
- Oh, come on.
- You're my family.
All right, stop it.
You're gonna make me catch whatever it is you got.
- Marlon.
- What? You better be hugging her back.
All right, nosey.
All right.
I gotta do something about my face.
Girl, I've been telling you that for years.
- Shut up.
- [laughs] Hey.
Come here, Yvette.
You know you're too good for that jerk, anyway.
You know he fine.
- Yes, he is.
- Mm-hmm.
But you always got me.
Bitch, that ain't the same thing.