Marlon (2017) s02e10 Episode Script

Funeral Party

1 What's up, Marlon-nation.
Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" Today I'm talking about appreciating the things you love while they're still here.
Take for example, the McRib.
I thought the McRib would be around forever, till one day I pulled up to the drive-through, I had my $3.
83 ready.
Dude was like, "Nah, bruh.
They gone.
" My point is, you can't take things for granted, because you never know when they gon' be gone gah-gone gone gone.
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ALL: Marlon! [UPBEAT MUSIC] All right, girl! [GIGGLES] Saturday night, we got plans.
Damn it, Yvette, you haven't even asked me if I'm free.
- Yeah, I'm free.
- [CHUCKLES] We are going to rock out to Lenny Kravitz at the Greek! Whoo! And I splurged on good seats, just in case his little Kravitz wants to pop out his pants again.
Oh, my goodness, well, if he does, guess who's going to catch it! [BOTH YELL, LAUGH] Okay, so, when Marlon and Stevie get back from Frankie's, I'll make sure to tell Marlon he's on kid duty Saturday night.
- Hi, Ashley.
- Hi.
Hi, Nikki "Mi-Nah.
" Ashley, Department of "Yvetterans" Affairs.
Ha.
Don't do that.
Just you stay the hell the way from the jokes.
Anyway, so, I just went to Frankie, and he gave me a little fresh fade, and the brother gave me 20% off.
Oh, is that because you only got 20% of your hair left? Ah-ha! Oh, really? Is this coming from somebody who got no percent of their hair left? Huh? Oh, is this coming from the girl whose hair once placed at the Kentucky Derby? What is it, Seabiscuit or Seattle Sleuth? Yeah, Frankie hooked me up.
He gave me a 20% birthday discount.
Oh, my God your birthday is this Saturday.
I'm sorry, it totally slipped my mind.
Yvette got us tickets for Lenny Kravitz.
We'll celebrate your birthday on Sunday, I promise.
On Sunday? No, no way, my birthday is Saturday.
You don't celebrate things the day after it happens, okay? You don't celebrate Valentine's Day on February 15th, I mean, unless you a sidepiece.
But Yvette likes 50% discount on her candy, right, Yvette? Come on, guys, this is a big year.
And you know I always do it big.
Remember that one birthday? Remember that? "Come as Your Favorite Prince" party.
Remember that? [CHUCKLES] All I remember is you walking around with your nasty butt cheeks hanging out of them ass-less pants.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
And remember you came as Apollonia, but you left as "Apol-lonelier"? Ha-ha! 'Cause once again, you didn't get a man! Ha-ha! My favorite party was the White People party, where everybody had to show up wearing Crocs, clap on the one and the three, and whisper what we don't like about black people.
[LAUGHTER] You ruin the steak when you order it well-done.
[LAUGHTER] How come they can say it and we can't? [LAUGHS] White people crazy, man.
Kids, your mama would rather spend my birthday with Lenny Kravitz, so, uh what we gonna do? Uh, it's your birthday already? Wasn't your New Jack City party like a month ago? [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Remember? We CMB! We all we got! We CMB! - We all we got! We CMB! - Okay.
Am I my brother's keeper? Come on, does anybody care about my birthday? - I do, Dad.
- My guy.
But Tanner and I are playing Xbox on Saturday.
I'm sorry, Pops.
Wow, so, nobody's gonna be around on Sat Oh [CHUCKLES] All y'all are trying to make me feel unappreciated, so all y'all can slip in and throw me a little surprise party this Saturday.
I got you, you slicky-slickies.
Marlon, I know what you're thinking.
There's no surprise party.
There's no surprise party? No, there isn't.
There's no surprise party? Please don't do it three times.
There's no surprise party? Oh, my God, there's really not a surprise party.
Oh, my.
Really? Wow.
This is worse than the Father's Day when the kids hit me up on Instagram, talking about, "Thank you for all your hard work.
# HFD.
" Took me two days to figure out they wasn't shouting out the Houston Fire Department.
All right, fine, we'll all cancel our plans Saturday night to be available.
Oh, no, no, don't do me no favors.
Marlon, I just got a voicemail from the barbershop.
Apparently, Frankie Wants to know about my birthday.
See, that's a good friend.
No, Marlon, Frankie's passed.
Passed on every other invitation for Saturday night.
Man, see, that's a good brother.
Marlon, he's dead.
Is dead set on making sure he makes my birthday party.
You mean Frankie's, like really dead? He had a heart attack.
Oh, man, Frankie's dead.
[SIGHS] I'm so glad I got my haircut today.
My cousin Frankie had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known.
We're not here to mourn him.
We're here to celebrate his life! ALL: Amen! His kids ran to him every time he walked through the door! Everybody loved Frankie.
ALL: Amen.
I wish he were still here, so he could know how much we all loved him.
Damn, Stevie, listen to all that love.
People never appreciate someone until they're at their funeral.
You're damn right.
Take my family for example.
They don't even care about my birthday.
I bet you they'd appreciate me if I was laid up in that casket with a tacky shirt on.
[SHUSHES] I'm gonna miss me some Frankie.
You see, this is the type of stuff that people need to hear - while they're still alive.
- Yeah.
Wait Stevie I got it.
Ha! - Ashley? - Hm? I know what the theme of my birthday party's gonna be.
Marlon, no.
Marlon, yes.
We are having a funeral party.
Aww! We're going to turn up, turn up, turn-turn [ALL SHUSHING] Told y'all about shushing me.
Don't be shushing me.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC] So glad you all could be here to mourn the passing of good brother Marlon.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
Marlon, this is the most ridiculous birthday party you have ever thrown.
You only die once.
YODO! [CHUCKLES] Whoa.
I see you decided to go with traditional funeral red.
Black is for mourners.
The only problem with this funeral is the death isn't real.
[SIGHS] All right, folks, folks, settle down, settle down.
Please, take your seats.
We are about to celebrate the life of Mr.
Marlon Wayne.
What's his name? I said Mr.
Marlon Wayne.
Wayne He was a great man.
He was a magnificent man.
He was a worthy man.
He was a philanthropicalistical man.
He was a holy man He was hilarious Yes, he was.
Ah, Sister Veronica, you and him had some good times together.
Ah, his back is still hurting from all those times.
But he got you up.
Ah, he was well endowed.
Can I get an Amen? ALL: Amen.
Uh, from the sisters? ALL: Amen.
We could barely close the casket, you know? We could barely close the casket.
Had to get on top.
We had Sister Veronica put her ass up on it.
And they would just get me down.
"Come on, get down!" And finally, the Lord blessed him Cha-ching! Pow! With magic in his pants.
It's like "Jack and the Beanstalk.
" Yeah, he put the beans down there, and they just grew and grew and and all the ladies just climbed on next to it.
We ain't got all day, Jessie Jackass.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, I I see somebody's upset, 'cause we got the same wig on.
Hello! [LAUGHTER] Now, fellas, that right there is quicksand in a dress.
"Let me help you? Oh, Lord! Where am I going? I have no idea! Lord have mercy!" [LAUGHTER] Now I'd like to open the floor to Marlon's love-dee-dee-dee-dee ones.
Yes, so that they can Shower him with love I said they going to shower him with what they going to shower him with? - Say, "Love" - ALL: Love Yeah, with love ALL: Love Won't you say appreci ation ALL: Appreci ation Yes! Oh! Please, all, be quiet [SOFTLY] and let's all hear the love.
Amen.
I was married to Marlon Wayne for 16 years.
And then I kicked his ass to the curb! [LAUGHTER] But if he were here, I'm sure he'd say That you got a white girl butt.
[LAUGHTER] Right? That, or he'd say I was too light-skinned, or as he'd like to put it, light-skin-dee-dee-dee-dee.
[LAUGHTER] Oh [STAMMERS] that Marlon, he sure had a way with words, right? Yes, he did.
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT] You know, Marlon always had colorful nicknames for me.
[CHUCKLES] Here's a few of my favorites: Troll, Gremlin, ASAP Nappy.
[LAUGHTER] SnapChat Filter Face! You know, the one with the big mouth.
[JABBERING] At my basketball games, my dad would yell stuff like, "Are you allergic to winning?" [LAUGHTER] Okay, okay, now now now get to the good stuff, huh? [MUTTERING] Tell them about how your daddy used to take you down to the Cheesecake Factory after the game.
- Yeah.
- Win or lose, right? Okay.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, talk about that, okay.
My dad called me a nerd every day for the last 16 years.
Thanks to him, I'll be in therapy every day for the next 16 years.
[LAUGHTER] Well, tell 'em about the good stuff, like, your daddy paid for all your nerd paraphernalia.
You remember he bought you that Kindle? - Huh? Huh? - Yep.
Now, you yeah, tell 'em about that, tell 'em about that.
Yep, he bought me a Kindle.
[LAUGHTER] But what else can I say about Marlon? [STAMMERS] How 'bout you tell them how generous he was, you know, with him allowing you to sleep on his couch all those years? Tell them Tell the people Will do, Reverend Snoop.
[LAUGHTER] All right, well, he's not here to defend himself, so let's raise a glass to Marlon.
He's probably upstairs right now, mocking Jesus for his open-toed shoes.
[LAUGHTER] So, basically, he's on his way downstairs by the end of this party.
[LAUGHTER] Wait, did these bastards just say I'm going to hell at my own funeral? Put gasoline in this boss.
To Marlon.
Now that he's gone, we'll all feel a lot better about ourselves.
[LAUGHTER] Hallelujah - What the hell is that? - What? That's not how it went down at Frankie's funeral.
Where's all the good stuff about me? Like what about me as a father or as a friend? As a partner? I'm just some kinda joke to you guys? You know, I thought I meant more to this family, but I guess I was wrong.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC] Marlon, I saw you come in here.
I don't know what just happened back there.
Will you please just talk to me? [TOILET FLUSHES] Girl, who are you talking to? I assumed you were in the casket.
What kinda lunatic would get in a casket? The same lunatic who would throw a damn funeral for his birthday party.
True, true.
Marlon, we all feel horrible.
I didn't realize that you were feeling so unappreciated.
We thought you were just having one of your, you know, fun parties.
What's going on with you? I don't know, Ash.
It's just, my birthday comes around and nobody wants to celebrate? And I got to thinking, "How 'bout I have a funeral party, "so I can hear all the great things that people have to say about me, like Frankie's funeral?" Marlon Frankie was actually dead.
I know.
But if stupid jokes is all you guys gonna remember about me, then maybe I gotta rethink who I am.
Because if I die, I wanna leave you guys with something real.
You don't think we'll remember you for something real? Marley, if Daddy calls you a nerd so often, why are you always so excited to show him your report cards? Because he always posts cool videos about them.
I know that when he calls me a nerd, he's really saying he's proud of me.
And when I do call you a nerd, I I don't mean old-school, pocket-protecting nerd.
I mean, like, the new cool nerd.
You know, Marvel Comic, Creator app, hack a presidential election.
- That that type of nerd.
- [MOUTHS WORD] And, Zack, what did you say when I offered to give your dad a fake basketball schedule, so he wouldn't embarrass you at the games? I said no.
A lot of dads don't even show up.
Yeah, he embarrasses me, but he's always there At least until they drag him out.
[ALL LAUGH] Hey hey, I was telling that ref, "Three steps is not a travel.
That's a Euro-Step.
" - I know, right? - My guy.
They don't even they don't even know, man.
They don't know.
Marlon even though you make comments about my appearance, you still give me a place every night to lay my, quote-unquote, "turn the lights out" body.
You lost weight.
I see you.
Now you got the "T-shirt in the Jacuzzi" body.
- Yvette? - Hm? Girl, bye, he ain't never done nothing for me.
Really? So, you never told me that Marlon clowning all your dates saved you from a few bad choices? Fine.
Marlon's jokes may have illuminated the suspect behavior of a few of my suitors.
Yeah, like that one shady guy.
He used to live at the 24 Hour Fitness but showered at the YMCA, and only pooed at your house.
Yes, Angelo was a mistake.
Marlon's not entirely useless.
Marlon, the night we separated was one of the saddest nights of my life But then, I got this text from you, - which I have saved.
- [CHUCKLES] "You up? JK.
"Now that we're not having sex, "or sleeping in the same bed, "and I'm on your last nerve, it'll be like we're still married.
" [CHUCKLES] "We're gonna be all right, Ash.
" Marlon from the moment I met you, every bit of sadness that I have ever felt has been short-lived, because you always make me laugh.
That's what your stupid jokes do for us.
I'm sorry you didn't feel appreciated.
But I promise, from now on, we'll do our best to make sure that you always do.
That was that was like a closing argument speech right there.
That was "that negro's guilty.
" I love you, guys.
Come here.
I love you too, Pop.
What would I do without you guys? - I love you so much.
- We're here.
I'm glad you guys appreciate my jokes [CHUCKLING] 'Cause I got a whole lot of 'em coming.
- [GROANING] - Oh, no.
ALL: I'm coming up, I'm coming up On the rough side Of the mountain It is a mountain, not a hill.
I'm doing my best To make it in You know I'm gonna I'm gonna kick the door down.
Yeah! Marlon has taught me and told me To give you all some messages Straight from his heart So, uh, he wants me to start With you, lovely Ashley Yes, he do He said he said you remind him of The white thang in pork and beans Can I get an Amen? Now-now-now he gonna talk about the baby He told me to tell your son You better learn karate You got to learn karate Because you're gonna be fighting off A lot of prisoners when you go to jail Eventually If you don't work on those math grades Okay, Marley, your daddy He said give up on social media It's no hope Cancel your accounts Don't put up no more pictures Ain't nobody gonna follow you But guess what, God's gonna follow you Oh, wait, hold on He just unfollowed you too [LAUGHTER] Now-now, brother Stevie He said that your hair Look like the inside of John Denver's coat When he hosted "The Muppet Show" On Christmas [HIGH-PITCHED] Yes, he did And now it's time For me to talk to you, Yvette First thing he said He's up there talking to God right now He's talking to God He said, "God?" God said, "What?" Marlon said, "God, can you get her a man?" He said, "Negro, I'm only God" [LAUGHTER] "I can't work those kinds of miracles" He said, "You talking about Yvette The one that look like a swap meet model?" I said, "Yes, God, that is her" [CHUCKLES] He said, "I can't help her She looks like the alien in 'A Quiet Place'" [SHUSHING] He gonna get us [LAUGHTER] Yes, ha-ha Do y'all feel the love? I know I do I'm coming up ALL: I'm coming up On the rough side Of the mountain I'm doing my best To make it in Make it in I'm doing my best To make it in Make it In Ahh! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]