Married (2014) s02e07 Episode Script

The Cruise

From the tip of your toe through the crown of your head, feel the energy flow.
Ignore the distractions of the world.
Oh, no, no.
I was almost asleep.
I know.
fill you with energy I could use a nap, too.
and exhale.
Ah! How great is it back here? No tenant.
No kids.
No laundry.
It's paradise.
This could be the beginning of a whole new phase of our lives.
The guest house years.
Hmm What if we pretend that, like, we were teenagers and our parents lived in the main house.
And they might come in at any moment.
So we have to do it really quickly.
I'm not finishing my class, am I? No.
I hear them.
Who? Your parents.
- Really? -Yeah.
Are you sure it's not your mother? No, it's not my mother.
- Really? - It's your parents.
I think I can hear your mom's heels on the wood floor.
No, it's your parents.
- I think I can hear your mom - Stop.
lighting a cigarette.
Damn it! That's not cool, okay? It's not hot at all.
You can finish your class.
Mmm, mission accomplished.
So, we are celebrating, guys.
I did a good deed.
Nobody's gonna ask me what my good deed was? Pretty sure we're gonna get that information either way.
I'm helping a Webcam girl get off the cam.
I don't understand.
Well, you know those girls who help fellas enjoy the Internet? I know what a Webcam girl is.
What do you mean you "helped her off the cam"? I'm paying for her education.
Oh, in exchange for sorority cam.
She wants to work with deaf kids.
She may look like a dirty bird, but underneath that rocking bod is a sweet little angel.
How do you manage to make charity seem creepy? There's nothing creepy about it.
I am trying to help women be happy.
Oh, good luck with that.
What's with him? What did you do? Did you finally break my friend here? This has nothing to do with me.
This is about his mother.
She's coming to stay with us for a couple nights.
Oh, Sharon, huh? Too bad I'm sober.
She knows how to party.
I'm not sober.
Yeah, well, for Russ, the party ended a long time ago.
I'm just not my best around her.
It's only two nights.
Yeah, but who knows? I mean, you never get a straight answer with her.
We just got to make it through the weekend without any drama.
Is that all we have to do? Mm-hmm.
Take that.
They look expensive.
If Grandma sees it, she might ask for money.
Take this wine, put it in my closet with the rest, okay? Why do we hide things from Grandma? Sometimes Grandma thinks staying with us is a party.
And she likes a goodie bag.
- Don't mention the guest house.
- Are you kidding me? She'd never leave.
- Are you okay? - No.
Look, it's a few days.
And then she leaves for her cruise.
We just need to feed her, get her drunk.
It'll be fine.
Grandma! Hi, you little maniacs.
Oh, there you are.
There's my handsome son.
Come on.
Tell your mommy you love her.
I love you.
Oh! Thank you.
- Hi, Sharon.
- Hi.
How's my favorite daughter-in-law? Good, really good.
I thought you said you had a nicer house.
We, we do.
But it's still in the Valley.
That's where people live.
No, no.
No, people don't "live" in the Valley; they exist.
What's going on? Are playing or not? I can't.
Too depressed.
Remember that Webcam girl I was telling you about? Sure.
She's back on the cam.
So? "So?" I registered her for classes.
I bought her textbooks.
I even gave her a stipend.
At least she's in school.
Well, that's the thing.
She didn't even show up for class.
What the hell? When she told me that she wanted to work with deaf kids, I actually believed her.
The Internet's a web of lies.
I was so proud of myself.
For the first time since I was fired, I felt like I was doing something positive.
I felt like I was improving the world.
Now she's back on the cam.
Could you give me this woman's information? I'd like to give her a piece of my mind.
I don't like seeing you like this.
Oh, Jesus, what a shithole! Come on, let's get it cleaned up.
Oh! Does your mother even know how to dust? I'm right here.
How much was this painting? I don't remember.
Well, whatever you paid, you paid too much.
Mom, where are you pants? It's okay.
I'm wearing my underpants.
No, it's not okay.
I-I think what Russ means is that he'd feel more comfortable if-if you wore pants around the house.
Oh, is that what he wants? That's what he wants.
Then he can speak for himself.
I want you to wear pants.
Don't be such a Republican.
Pants are "Republican"? I think pants are bipartisan.
Tell Mohammed I'll put on my burka.
Why did you start with her? Are you kidding? I'm supposed to let her walk around the house in her panties? Two days.
Then she goes on her cruise, then she flies back to Cleveland and then she goes back to being your sister's problem.
I know, but I'm not gonna make it.
I'll keep you separated.
Sharon? Can I take you shopping? Finally! This won't be cheap.
Buy her some pants.
Are you excited about Mexico? I'm excited about not paying for it.
Wow, Tina's treating? That's nice of her.
I'm not going with Tina.
Russ said that, um Well, that's what I told him.
He doesn't like to hear about my love life.
What do you think? Who are you going on this cruise with? An interested senior I met on the Internet.
Oh So what's your verdict on the teddy? Is he getting his money's worth? I don't know.
How much is the cruise? The answer is yes, bitch.
So you're going on a cruise with a man you've never met before? Well, we FaceTimed.
But it wasn't just faces.
Oh, gross, Mom.
What do you even know about this guy? I know that he's very generous.
Unlike my son and daughter-in-law.
Those cheeses weren't cheap.
Neither was the teddy.
What teddy? Never mind.
Does Kimmy know that you're going on this trip with a man that you've never met? I'm done with your sister.
I am never going back to Cleve-bland.
I see.
So then, what happens? - Where do you go after the cruise? - Oh.
The interested senior has some property in La Jolla.
Maybe I'll end up there.
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, it would, if you saw the teddy.
_ - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Sit down.
I already ordered.
All right.
So I had a little Web chat with our friend.
- And? - And, well, at first, I just pretended to be a regular pervert.
You know? I asked her to do some light panty play, established trust-- pretty smart, right? Did you ask her about the deaf school or not? Yes, I did, and all of a sudden, click-- I was blocked.
That's it? You had me drive to Valencia for this? You could've told me all of that on the phone.
Hang on! I noticed, on her night stand, a take-out container: Tandoori chicken from Assam Kitchen.
So what? I heard a nearby train.
I researched all four locations.
This is the only Assam Kitchen near train tracks.
Your plan is to sit here until she comes back to this restaurant and orders more tandoori? Oh, well.
We tried.
You can't, can't save everyone.
Wait a second.
I think I know how to do this.
Guys? We're trying to save a life.
And help the deaf, so it's a two-fer.
- I'm not home.
- No, no, no, no.
We need a third.
Of course you do.
Yeah? My mom's plan is to bone an old stranger until he invites her to live with him.
Do you have a better plan? Yeah.
Ether, duct tape, shallow grave in the desert Oh, there you are.
What's for dinner? Well, I made tater tots and chicken nuggets for the kids.
- What is this, Friendly's? - Mom Not okay.
You're a guest.
You're the host? Lina, can you take me to Crate & Barrel? I need some new pots.
For the cruise? Forget it; I cancelled it.
What? Why? Ah guy called me up and asked for my credit card to cover my incidentals.
So you're not going? Nobody tells me how many margaritas to order.
Who does he think he is, your father? Oh, wow.
Wow! I see what this is.
I'm such an idiot.
What? I was worried about you.
But that's what you wanted, right? That was the plan? To have me get super-concerned and worried so that I would beg you not to go on the trip.
Right? Was there ever a cruise, Mom? Was there ever an interested senior? You don't think I'm hot enough to get a cruise paid for? Here, look.
Oh, my God, Mom! Now do you believe me? That could be any old guy's dick.
Seriously? You really think that I would go out and steal a picture of any old guy's dick just so I could live here with my asshole son and his joyless wife? Yep.
Yeah, I do, actually.
I would never live in the Valley.
Now, if you had a home in Malibu, it'd be a different story.
" Okay, so is this the credit card you want to use or do you have a separate card that you just use for porn? No? Okay.
I'll use this one.
All right, guys, you got and then I have things to do, okay? That must be Raavi.
Who's Raavi? My secret weapon.
I thought I was the secret weapon.
What, a guy can't have more than one secret weapon? Ugh Drunk last night Drunk the night before Don't know why my asshole's sore What is my mom doing in our kitchen? Making sausages.
Homemade sausages.
From scratch.
She's says it's your favorite.
Yeah, yeah, don't know why It is.
I think you were right.
She wants to move in.
How long you think our marriage lasts, once she does? Three months? Maybe six, with counseling.
You bought fennel.
Like you asked.
I asked her for fennel seeds and she brought home an actual fennel.
Is there something wrong with your wife? All right.
Mom, I think we need to talk.
And why are you taking me to the garage? It's actually a guest house.
You have a guest house? Well, we're in the process of converting it.
So there's a bedroom here, - Mm-hmm.
- and the bathroom.
And, um, and this is kind of like the main, uh, main living area.
Well, I I could do wonders with this place.
Of course, your wife will fill it with cheap shit, but, uh You can decorate it yourself.
However you want.
I don't understand.
You can live here.
For as long as you need to.
Look, just until you get a job, right? Get back on your feet again.
I have a job.
Selling old bags on eBay is not really a job.
I have made thousands.
It's still not a job.
I know that things aren't probably the way you imagined they would be, you know? When you left Dad, I'm sure you thought whatever, that it would be This is a very nice guest house and it's all yours.
It's a garage.
Very hot here in the Valley There's air conditioning.
- I'll think about it.
- Okay.
Russell You're a good boy.
Hello? Hi.
Yeah, I'm here.
Okay, um So what do you feel like doing today? Well, I-I feel like being alone, but that ship has sailed.
I can show you my titties.
Uh Or you know what? Hold that thought.
Um, if you can just talk to my friends.
Guys Guys.
These guys would love to talk to you.
Okay? Oh Okay.
I think we're done here.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait.
Uh, uh, Gloria? Gloria, this I know these guys are annoying, but That's all I got.
Gloria, I know you want to hang upon us, but are you willing to hang up on this young man? This is Raavi.
He loves SpongeBob, LEGOs and America.
But he is hearing impaired.
I don't understand.
Neither does he.
Because none of us speak deaf.
Who is this kid? My pharmacist's nephew.
Pharmacist's nephew? His drug dealer's look-out.
- Of course.
- Oh.
Well, I can't talk to your friend.
- He's not 18.
- Hey.
We don't want Dirty Gloria tonight.
We are here for Gloria.
True Gloria.
The little girl who had a dream, but just needed the courage to follow through.
We want to talk to her.
Is she available? What do you say? Hello Raavi.
You know sign language? I read the books.
Then why didn't you go to the classes? Because I flunked every class I ever took.
Tito was right.
The only thing I'll ever be good at is shaking my dumb, pimply ass.
Screw that guy.
You are not dumb.
And there ain't nothing wrong with that ass.
Uh I, uh, I don't really know you.
But you seem, uh very good with children.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Russ, Russ.
Your mom's leaving.
She called a cab.
What? Mom.
Mom! - Where are you going? - Oh, hi.
Yeah, I decided to go on that cruise after all.
- Why? - Did you know that it never gets hotter than 75 degrees in La Jolla? What about the guest house? Oh, you mean the garage? I'm not ready to give up.
Uh What is that? Thanks for the incidentals.
I mean, we really know nothing about that guy.
Except for that he's got very interesting skin tags.
Well, what's the worst that could happen? That she doesn't get murdered? Yeah.
Tell me I'm a good boy.
You're okay.
Want to party? Better.
I want to help you help yourself.
It's gonna cost you extra.
Hey, it's just money.
I got a friend that I like to work with.
You want to save two of us at the same time? Um Yeah.
That would be great.