Married (2014) s02e12 Episode Script


All right.
Good one.
Next, next.
Yeah, good.
Hey, guys, just reminding you about the meet this weekend.
Get there early.
Warm-ups start at 7:30.
You got it.
Don't be late.
Maya's one of our strongest gymnasts.
- Seriously? - Absolutely.
I can't wait to see her win her first medal.
You hear that? We're gonna win a medal.
Technically, it would be Maya's medal.
No, no.
That's our medal.
All the money we spend on classes, talking to the other parents.
Yeah, that is the worst.
I don't care about your husband's sleep apnea.
I don't care if your cat has diabetes.
You're right.
We do deserve that medal.
S02E12 Gymnastics What are the squiggle marks here on Farmer Todd's hands? Oh, I wanted to make it look like he had the shakes.
- Oh.
- I could also add some stink lines.
- No, no, no.
- Unless you think it's too much.
- No, no.
I like the, I like the shakes.
- Okay.
- The more alcoholic, the better, okay? - That one.
Hey! I've got great news.
You're transitioning into a woman.
Farmer Todd has a publisher.
- Really? - Na-uh.
- Yes.
- Really? What's the publishing house? Is there an advance? We should go in on a race horse together.
- Is it official? - Basically.
We just need to sit down with Shep's publisher friend, then we need to pitch her idea, then she needs to like it.
Oh, okay, so we don't have a publisher.
We will.
We just need to sit down with her this weekend.
Well I can't.
We have Maya's gymnastics meet.
Reschedule it.
No way.
Lina and I might win a medal.
There's a lot of gymnasts.
- Mommy, I have to pee again.
- Ah! Again? I have a small bladder.
- I'm a child.
- Okay, baby.
Up there, to the left.
Will you go with them? She's anxious.
She has to pee when she's anxious.
It's her tell.
She better get her shit together and not blow this for us.
Russ? Kristi.
- Mm, wow.
- Wow, yeah.
I am sorry, uh Kristi, uh this is, uh my wife.
- Lina.
- Lina.
Yes, I figured.
Are you guys here for the gymnastics meet? Our daughter's in the Blues.
- Do you have a kid competing? - Uh, no.
Actually, I'm one of the judges.
Anyways, it was really nice to finally meet you.
Who was that? We're not gonna win a medal.
Here, here.
Room 305.
So why aren't we winning a medal? You remember that time that we broke up after college? Oh, when I was "crowding" you? It was a confusing time.
- Uh-huh.
- Anyway, Kristi was one of the people that I hooked up with.
And she was really into me.
And No, I mean, like, she was really into me.
We had incredible sex.
I mean, crazy sex.
I mean, she was a gymnast, you know, so Is there a point to this? There's no way that that woman can judge us fairly.
Oh because of how hard you banged her.
Because I went back to you.
- Ah.
- You won.
What did I win? This is not funny, Lina.
I ruined that woman.
And now she is gonna ruin Maya's chances at winning a medal.
You really believe that? I just feel really bad for Maya.
It sucks to have a delusional father.
Okay, so this is for children? It's for the whole family.
How hard is it to have that first conversation with your children about the disease of addiction? Well, now it doesn't have to be.
And then the-the animals, they throw an intervention for this farmer? All except the horse he's an enabler.
You know, if this works out, I have an erotic science fiction trilogy that I've been working on for some time.
So, here's my offer.
You have till midnight tonight to decide how else we take this across the street.
Across the street.
"Across the street"? To Panera? I think what AJ is trying to say is that he's very excited, uh, for you to share this with your team and to see what they think.
- Right.
- Okay.
Well, thank you.
- All right.
- Well All right.
Shep, can I talk to you alone for a second? - Uh, sure.
- Great.
So what did she say? She want the movie rights, too? Hold it live action or CGI? She just asked me to dinner tonight.
Ah really? - Yeah.
- To talk about the book? I don't think so.
It was like an actual date.
Oh, great, Shep.
Yes! That is awesome, buddy! Is it? We're in! Yeah, do I have time to change? - I mean, what should I wear? - No, no.
I-I don't I don't think that's what she meant.
I think four could be a crowd.
Not if you're rotating holes.
What? Like in the movies.
Eh Okay.
Guess he's not a film buff.
Maya, get your head off the table.
Maya? I was so bad today.
That's the lowest beam score I've ever had.
Honey, you'll do better tomorrow.
It wasn't your fault.
Whose fault was it? The judges.
Well, one of them, in particular.
Girls, go wash your hands.
What are you doing? You don't think it's weird that the judge who gave our daughter the lowest score happens to be the only one I've had sex with? No.
Look I was really shitty to Kristi.
Like, really shitty.
- Okay? - Shitty how? When you and I got back together I didn't do the best job breaking up with her.
l don't understand.
Haven't you ever, you know, quit a job by just not showing up? Russ It was before texting.
You suck.
There he is.
Handsome man.
Oh, good.
I was afraid I was gonna have to go on this date - all by myself.
- That's why we're here.
Since you're newly single, we've been researching dating tips on the Internet.
Turns out there are many schools of thought.
- I'm good.
- Tip number one Okay.
When the waiter brings you your menus, you might want to mention that one in five children have an alcoholic adult living inside their home.
This is good.
This will set up the mood.
Number two When you bring the young lady home, turn the lights down real low, and remind her that children of addicts are three times more likely to become addicts themselves.
You're absolutely right.
A beautiful woman wants to take me to dinner, but instead of rebuilding my life, I should hawk your book.
Hey why rebuild right away? Wallow in it.
Spiral down, bro.
You're doing it wrong.
Move the piece of shit.
All right.
Actually it gets very good pickup for a no-emissions vehicle.
Ma'am, I'm with hotel security.
We have a strict non-soliciting policy so, no working girls.
Uh, it was - funny in my head when I was - I'm actually meeting someone.
Uh boyfriend or husband? That's none of your business.
Well can I talk to you while you wait? Fine.
Um Something is really bothering me for the last - I don't know.
- 15 years? Right.
Um I just feel like we didn't, you know, leave things on a great note.
A note would've, would've been great.
In my defense, it was before text texting.
Um, but that's-that's no excuse.
I I apologize deeply, sincerely from the bottom of my heart.
I-I feel terrible.
So we are cool? Do I forgive you? Is-is that what you're asking me? No.
I mean, I was just Yeah, I guess.
I guess.
I don't forgive you.
Good night.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi, sorry I'm late.
I got stuck on a call.
Oh, not a not a problem.
It is nice to see you.
And you.
Thank you.
Okay, just just remind me how this works again? - Dating? - Yeah.
We eat and we talk and we pretend to be better than we actually are? Yeah, that's pretty much how we do it.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
So my criminal history, - my medical records Put that off? - Yeah, yeah.
That's-that's second date.
- Second date.
- That's second date.
So the first date would be all lies? Pretty much, yeah.
Uh I'm a volunteer fireman.
But I only do small fires.
Some pendants what I've got is pendants um, necklaces Watches? Do you do those? I don't do watches, no.
Just do a chandelier? I feel like a chandelier would look good with your face shape.
I really love chandeliers.
Hey I-I couldn't help but think about what you just said and do you have one more minute? Uh, sor I'm with clients right now.
I know, I know.
I just I want to apologize for-for everything, you know, that's happened between us.
Uh, yeah, you already have.
I know, but when you were over there, I felt like you What is it you really want? I just want to make you feel better, - but you're not letting me.
- Oh, so now you're the victim? No, no, you're the victim.
I'm-I'm not the victim.
I-I-I victimized you.
Big time.
Is everything okay, or? - Should we call security? - No, no, it's fine.
- It's fine.
- No, it's not fine.
We dated a million years ago, and now he won't leave me alone.
I I was just trying to apologize, you know, for not letting her know that we were broken up.
You know, she has some very bad feelings about me, and it's-it's not good for her to hold onto them.
How about apologizing for not telling me that you were engaged? Yes, that's good.
- That's a great example.
- Okay.
You want to talk about this? - Yes.
- You want to hear how depressed I was? How I couldn't get out of bed for three months? How I stopped eating? Yeah, I mean you know, maybe in another room somewhere.
I was destroyed, Russ.
You know, I knew that you would get back together with Lina.
That I was just a detour.
You were not just a detour, okay? Oh, what was I, then? You were a like a backpacking trip through Europe.
With incredible architecture that has stood the test of time, by the way.
Look, I was an idiot back then, okay? But now I've-I've changed.
I'm-I'm just a-a good dad and a decent husband.
And that's why I blocked you on Facebook, because I didn't want to see pictures of your happy little family.
They're not that happy.
I mean, we're fine, but it's not It's ups and downs.
So, what happened? I want all the details.
No, you don't.
All you care about is your book.
Which she's passing on, by the way.
What? Mm-hmm.
See you next time you need a favor.
Is everything okay, man? Yeah, yeah.
You bet.
Well You know, I've been better.
Well, what else happened on the date? Did you guys have bad sex? Hey, hey.
A gentleman does not kiss and tell.
- Sure he does.
- Well.
I don't.
Sure you do.
Well, we-we did not have intercourse.
There you go.
- Oh oh.
- You happy? She probably could detect your sadness.
Mm? That happened to me a lot after Roxanne and I split up.
They can smell it.
It's a big turnoff.
She was very willing.
I was actually the one - With the boner problems.
- No.
- Are you sure? - No boner problems.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Because after Roxanne left me, I practically had to tie it to a stick.
Okay, no.
There was no need for a stick.
All right.
What is the deal, then? No sad smell, no boner problems.
I don't get it.
Come on.
We were naked - Ooh.
Mm! - and I started thinking about Jess.
I get it.
Vagina twin.
Beg your pardon? Every woman has a vagina twin.
That's when two women look exactly the same down there.
You found Jess's vagina twin, and you couldn't go through with it.
Good call.
Finally someone who gets it.
I do, and you know what? I think you should be proud of yourself.
Why? 'Cause my wife left me, or 'cause I'm in too much pain to actually have sex with another woman? Because you took the first step.
Yeah, I yes, I did.
Well, all right.
Well, good for me.
And you'll get 'em next time.
Unless Wait a second.
Is there such a thing as vagina triplets? Oh! I wish.
Oh, boy.
Before the medal ceremony, how about a round of applause for all of our gymnasts?! Our first set of medals today I'm not gonna win.
- You don't know that, honey.
- Yeah, I think we do.
Don't listen to your father.
Your scores were excellent.
- They should have been better.
- Russ! And balance checks.
And the bronze medal for beam goes to Maya Bowman.
- No way! - Oh, my God! We medaled! We medaled! - We medaled! - Congratulations.
Thank you.
The silver medal for beam goes to Caitlyn Silver.
Hey Oh.
I I heard about what Russ did, and-and, you know, I just Are you kidding me? I want to apologize for him.
He feels terrible.
- I I don't want to do this.
- No, no.
I get it, okay? I get it.
He made you feel like a piece of shit.
Like a worthless piece of shit.
- I never felt like that.
- No.
Of course not, but if you did, and I had anything to do with it, I just wanted to say Jesus, so now I have to make you feel better, too? No! I feel fine.
We didn't We just wanted to I'm sorry.
Before you send your girls out here to talk to me, I just want to tell you, I'm fine.
- It's ancient history.
- Exactly.
I just wish I hadn't lost those clients because of all the drama.
I'm so sorry.
What kind of clients? Uh, I sell designer jewelry.
Designer jewelry.
I love this.
It's so sparkly.
- Pretty.
- Well, don't be shy.
You can try on anything you like.
Hey, I love this.
Here's the price sheet.
Hand me those rings.
Hey, is there any, uh, friends and family discount? You know, just 'cause of our connection? Okay, maybe maybe one small thing each, guys? I really love my new guilt bracelet.
Do you have any exes who design shoes? Would have been so much cheaper had I just listened to you.
You were in rare form this weekend.
I just saw her, and it took me back to being 25, you know? So many girls were hot for me then.
Like millions.
And you treated 'em like shit.
I was so good at it.
So do you ever think about what it would be like if you would've married Kristi instead of me? No.
Although I do think about what it would be like if you had the flexibility of a gymnast.
I get it.
So Maya's gonna be really good at sex.
Don't ever do that.